Travisty 32 - New Year Edition (#97)

Travisty

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WELCOME back everyone.

with all that material, you may be wondering why this edition is so short?

I hope you all had some rest over the holidays, because now it is time to get straight back into term. As Michelle Obama once said, “you’d better work, bitch”.

The answer is that since next edition will be Valentine’s Day, this logically must be the foreplay to that. And, well, look at us.

We have predictions for 2022, guides to TCSU elections, spiritual energy healing tips, word searches, sudoku, and a mad Scotsman. All you need, really. Enjoy.

This is both the New Year’s Edition and the Election Special. Depending on what happens between the Volga and Dneiper, however, it could be the last Special. So

—Eoin

Harry Metrebian In Brazil doing maths. I’d say that too if the cartels made me count their kilos

Eoin Walsh Has given up drinking, cigarettes and rollerblading ever since the Canadian Incident

Dylan Toh Is still one of the best writers among us at Travisty, haha. Appears to be a bit stuck at the moment though

Arun ‘Ethics’ Prabhakar Is preparing for martyrdom in the Ukraine

Misha Medvedev Enjoys chonky PNG les and Sainsbury’s Spinach and Feta parcels Ruby Sanders-English First reindeer model, now prophetic journalist, don’t be surprised if Ruby runs this joint soon

Lidija Beric Will be sad to see Arun go, but will remember him and call his name out her window when she can’t sleep

Luiza Aguilar Doesn’t even go here and still writes for Travisty. What’s your excuse?

Matthew Sargent “Mmmmm…copper ͒ ́̒̐ ͌̓ ̌͒ ̈́̔ ͘ ͆ t ̷̟̬̯̽̌̈̍͝ ̽ t̵̪́ ̖͂̃ ̀ a̴ ̵͔̳͊ ͝ s̗̾ ̵͕͖͕̳̀͜ t͝ ̶̕ ́ ̫̯ …. ̀ ̊͂ ͗̃ ͗​͗̋ ̈̇̌͌̃ ͝ ͌͑ ̎ ̢ ̈́̇̀ ̮̲ ̕ ͓̻̼ ̅ ͍͉̭ ͊̽ ̐ ̴ ͌̋̅ ̀̇̅̿ ͒̔ ́ ̵̃̈ ͂̍ ͠ ̷ ̀ ̊̈́͂ ̶ ̿̎ ͚ ̳̿ ̴ ̓ ͝ ̛ ̔ ̃ ̏ ̳̫̟͊̽ f w ̨ ̱ e̵ f s̠ d̹ș̨̊͐͋̀͆̐̿͘̚ f ̛̞̹̠͚͍̘̟̻̲̪͉́͌͒̚w̶͌ f ̶ ͇̔ g̵͖o̶ ̭͍ ͕̬̭ ̖͚ ̷̢̥̫ ̹͕͚ ̪ ̱̲̜ ̸͙̭͈̫ ̫ ̸ ͅ ͙̤̣̯ ̡̦ ̰̹̆ ̟̰̳ ͓ ̢ ͕̘ ̡̣ ͔̲ ͚̭̳͎ ͙̭͉̳ ̙̳̼ ̰̫ ͜ ͔̣̺̟ ̘͍̬ ̣̝ ͚̘ ͖ ̼ ̮̫ ͔̥ ̼͜

wiring… ͝ ͊̊͌̇̈

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Agnijo Banerjee Spent the vacation chopping the tops off mountains in Scotland with his claymore

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Cover photo by Misha Medvedev

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Headlines of the Week

Tips to do so include: • Never leave your drink unattended • Only drink from bottles you have seen been opened and instantly poured • Understand the signs of such assassination techniques and immediately call porters or an ambulance if such symptoms are observed

We prefer the term “Faux News”

Names and details changed to protect identities

Travisty Editors bravely survive assassination attempt Archduke Eoinz Eoindinand, Lidija Duchess of Trinenburg, and General Arun Arunsky, leaders of the Royal House of Trav, were attending a name day celebration in Great Kort when suddenly a straight white cis male stepped out of the crowd and poisoned them, calling them “apologetic Tories who vote Lib Dem”, clearly hoping to end the rule of House Trav.

New COVID Variant detected in college A Trinity Boat Club dinner is a normally quiet affair. Responsibility ahead of mirth. Silliness is absent. This is known to be a universal truth.

Nothing bad has ever happened at a Boat Club Dinner.

Such was the shock, therefore, when the BCD was found to be the epicentre of a new COVID outbreak within college. Authorities are puzzled as this would have required people to not be wearing masks or keeping 50 km away from everyone else to protect our NHS. So far, the symptoms appear mild. Maybe you start getting annoyed at how Travisty punctuation is inconsistent and no one shares you love for “m-dashes”, whatever they are.

Either way, stay safe out there folks. This is spreading further, with even TCSU Refreshers’ Pizza affected. Must have been some good pizza to get that much saliva everywhere.

Photograph of the assassination attempt (credit to Mishsky Medvedevskyvich)

The Archduke and the General sustained severe injuries. The Archduke was sent to St Ann Summers’ hospital where he woke up later that day. All made a full recovery.

The attacker was never apprehended as he used his white privilege to escape. The authorities think it is unlikely that he will ever be caught and implore people to avoid such things occurring again.

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Trinity to give phones to Cambridge’s homeless The Technology Proctor today announced that it was ludicrous that a billion-pound institution should be surrounded by such signs of abject poverty. After a massive number of work lunches involving port, cheese, garage music and some Colombian sugar, this was announced: “We all know that homeless people survive by asking for money from people passing them on the street.

However, this is not an optimised solution. They can only be in one place at one time. They can only reach so many people. That is why we have given them all new iPhones, such that they can now ring up anyone to beg for money. It’s simple mathematics, people. Peace out”.

Students are unsure about this however, with many believing that the phones are actually so that Trinity can use the homeless to spy on which students are not obeying college COVID rules. As one Trinity student said, “This some John Wick Bowery King shit. They

already don’t like me and now they’re gonna snitch on me. All Colleges Are Bastards”.

goodness I am so worried” one housekeeping staff is reported to have said.

Deaning loophole discovered by scientists Are you tired of getting caught partying by the porters and having to explain how your actions have single-handedly destroyed the NHS?

All we at Travisty can say is “what’s a date?”

Fear not, a solution is at hand.

The idea? Simply don’t reply to your email saying you’ve been deaned. What are they going to do, arrest you?

College housekeeping in disarray as they prepare for the biggest cleaning bill in the year Valentine’s Day Polls indicate that a record 4 Trinity students will be going on a date, the highest in 20 years. To date, no one has surpassed the February of 2002, when a legendary Medic went on a date with 2 people in the same day.

“The beds aren’t built for 2 people!

Or any kind of vibration! Oh

Your Head Line Correspondent this week, Eoin Walsh

Random headline from the Travisty Archive “The fair haired wymmin in th’ Athenaeum doth cackle loudly and do no study” -Anon, 1521 (Note to Editors, burn the rest of the archive)

Think you can do better than us? You probably can!

Come to our next writers’ meeting (Monday 31st January) Lower JCR, 7pm Pizza, doughnuts, and various meats and treats provided 100% NOT A SCAM Like our Facebook page, or email us at travistytrinity@gmail.com to subscribe to our mailing list. Or just send us an article with no warning! We’ll take anything.

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One-liners: “I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for…”

Eoin Arun Lidija Matthew Dylan Misha Harry Kerem

The power of electronic communication The Geneva Convention The refractory period A Phalanx in North Yorkshire Taylor Swift My call sign involving leaving semen samples on the crime scene Drinking a caipirinha on the beach LFTs

Caption Competition

Send your caption into travistytrinity@gmail.com and you could win a special prize!

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“Rumour has it” — 10 predictions for 2022

Ruby uses her prescient powers. Hopefully for good. Not quite sure. I’m recorded as saying “the hornier, the better” so take that as a content warning.

1.

Sally Davies to introduce mandatory penis inspection to reduce rates of STIs. Mathmos exempt.

2.

College applicants to be offered butt-plugs to prepare for the reaming they are going to get from admissions.

Should’ve sat your damn GCSEs like the rest of us plebs.

3.

Foreplay to be banned in college to reduce COVID transmission Of cial guidance recommends reverse cowgirl only.

4.

Someone has already had sex on the JCR pool table.

Please do not ask why I am so certain about this.

5. Piss : water ratio in the Great Court Fountain to pass 1:1.

College to take most of it.

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An Emeritus Dean to be hired to be made ‘Super Dean’.

Main responsibility to be deaning the Dean for deaning in an undean-i ed manner.

7.

May Ball to be renamed ‘May Wine & Cheese Work Gathering’.

President to deny knowledge of its existence.

8.

Boat club to be quarantined over shark infestation.

Kerem, get a life.

9.

First & Third to be renamed ‘The Bomber Ma a’.

Fan-favourite, ‘The Tessellated Lions’, banned on threat of bodily harm by unnamed W1 rower.

10.

Trinity to create new cryptocurrency pinned to number of student breakdowns.

Finance bros rush to acquire new stock before predicted exponential rise in Easter Term.

Cocktail of the Week The Trinity Trinity INGREDIENTS: -

Trinity Blue Trinity Red Trinity Port (bottle) Underwear

METHOD:

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Purchase a Trinity Blue and a Trinity Red. Only £6? Better buy them soon before Minimum Unit Pricing comes to college Get a (preferably clean) pint glass Pour both cocktails into the pint glass, remove the ice You should have approx 400ml of drink in what you know to be a 568ml glass. What to do with the rest?

Buy a bottle of Trinity Port for £12.90 Top up pint glass with port Down the entire thing, fresher Wake up the next morning to messages from your friends asking why you ran to Grantchester in your underwear singing “Jerusalem”

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Build Your Own New Year’s Resolution Worried about what to do with your life? Arun has taken time away from destroying his enemies to give you some ideas Where you live Angel Court

Tripos

Favourite SALTO door lock

Mathematics

Angel court Establishing your presence in side entrance the gym

Wolfson Court Shun

NatSci

Completing at least 56% of your supo work

Whewell’s entrance Trinity Street

For the CV

Blue Boar Court

Try

Compsci

Jousting

Whewell's entrance Sidney Street

In Mainsbury’s

Whewell’s Court

Philosophy Become a hopeless shill for

Dipsomania

Blue Boar Seedy Side Entrance

In black tie

Great Court

Start a college society based around

History

Occupying Senate House

Bishop’s Because you Hostel Trinity were told to in a Lane entrance dream

Bishop’s Hostel

Write a dissertation on

Theology

Sedevacantism

New Court back gate

While rowing

New Court

Get irritatingly enthusiastic about but not actually do

History of Art Reading Proust in the original

Garrett Hostel Lane side entrance

Sponsored by Ryder & Amies

Pearce Hostel

Vocally condemn

Classics

Catullus

Burrell’s main entrance

On the way to West Cambridge

Burrell’s Field Give up

Law

Scamming freshers

Burrell’s side entrance - UL or thereabouts

While sober

Offsite

MML (not MMLL; we’re traditional here)

Not responding to DMs

Burrell’s back In LaTeX gate

Anything else

Eating the eggs hall serves at breakfast

Gym door

Take up

Write a Travisty article about

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On Strava

In college stash

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Misha’s corner Song Hope: Arlo Parks

Hearsay "For Lent, I'm going to give up.”

Information You can't eat hot soup with your bare hands

Tip Don't cook rice in a saucepan with water. Not that it'll taste bad; your Asian housemate will kill you

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5 minute articles

Lidija challenged us to nish in 5 minutes. Apparently routine for her Tuesday night.

“How to celebrate new year in the most criminal (and anti St John’s) way possible” Dylan 1. Get a punt, red paint, a reused Guy Fawkes mask, a jar of fresh kidneys, a Spongebob plushie, and those little glow things that are poisonous when you break em.

2. Make your way to the underbelly of the Bridge of Sighs.

3. At the stroke of midnight, urinate into the river.

4. Keep all unused items for the year, just in case you need them.

Kerem 1. Proclaim yourself immune to covid 2. Get covid 3. Go to boat club dinner 4. Infect everyone 5. No need to isolate since you’re not “in college” Eoin >be me, criminal >decide to exhibit criminal behaviour >go to lunch but through the side door rather than old kitchens queue >go to toilets not in my household >devilish.jpeg >Need more ideas >realise college will x most things for free >take spare toilet supplies from bathrooms >sell to respected East European businessman behind Whewell’s >college replace it daily >do it again.gif

Missed an Issue?

Try https://issuu.com/travistytrinity

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Sudoku Spoiler alert, the prize is that Agnijo will be your second when he decides it is time for you to commit seppuku Last edition’s winner: Serena Cole Agnijo heard people were able to solve the last one and is furious. Good luck with this. The prize is 10 XL condoms

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How to heal your energy this term and get a rst Luiza is here with some serious spiritual energy tips 1 - Stressed about your four essays due next week? Literally just stop being stressed.

The only real problem in your life is your bad vibes.

2 - Spend the rst three hours of your day gratitude journaling. “But I have lectures” is absolutely not an excuse.

3 - Throw away all your shoes immediately. Walking around barefoot will electrically reconnect you to the Earth. Seriously, it’s just physics.

4 - Reward yourself for every 10 words you write with a 10-minute meditation. YOU DESERVE IT. 5 - Uninstall all the lights in your room and replace them with Himalayan salt lamps. I heard every second you spend under blue light shortens your life by a month.

6 - Carry a speaker with you and have it play zen music at all times so everyone knows how balanced you are.

7 - Reconnect with your feminine energy. Practice your intuition by nishing all your lecturers’ sentences for them.

8 - Cleanse your aura. I can literally tell how foggy it is from here. You disgust me.

9 - Help everyone else unblock their chakras by touching them without permission.

And then charge them, obviously. Reiki healing is serious business.

10 - Reorganize your crystals at least once an hour to reawaken your productive energy (Note from the Editors: we assume these are energy crystals, not meth crystals. And when we say energy crystals, we mean the homeopathic energy kind, not the methamphetamine energy kind)

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Word search Dylan knows his words, his letters, and his grids. Do you?

Circle the words (in both rectilinear and diagonal axes, and in both forwards and backwards directions). There is a prize for guessing the total number of words, and another prize for guessing the theme.

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TCSU Manifesto Points System Harry writes in from Brazil, making Travisty international and truly diverse

Policies and Plans · +1 for promising to continue the work of the previous occupant of the role o −5 if the previous occupant didn’t do a good job · +2 for plans to work with other members of the TCSU committee o −2 if you’ve obviously and unashamedly coordinated this with your friend who is running for another role § −5 if you and this friend proposed or seconded each other · +3 for plans to improve mental health support · +2 for plans to improve hall food o +5 for plans to improve vegetarian/vegan food · −5 for plans to improve provisions in gyps (well-intentioned, but these are always unworkable) · −2 for promising to hold more bops (someone says this every year, and yet nobody ever manages it) · −20 for planning to hold events in the Wolfson Party Room (sorry freshers, this isn’t allowed because of re regulations) o +20 for planning to build a second exit from the Wolfson Party Room so that it complies with re regulations · +5 for trying to pressure the college into making formals cheaper (probably won’t work, but keep it up) · −10 for trying to pressure the college into making rent cheaper o −100 for threatening to take the story to the Daily Mail when the college inevitably refuses · +10 for promising to ban Kerem from the bar · +20 for promising to bring down the government · +5 for each genuinely innovative and workable proposal · −5 for each genuinely innovative but unworkable proposal · −50 for any proposal that violates the TCSU constitution · −100 for not having any policies at all (sorry, you can’t avoid all of those negative points that easily) Experience and Suitability · +3 for previous experience on the TCSU committee o −10 if you didn’t do a good job · +2 for each position on another society committee that is relevant to the role · −3 for each position on another society committee that is irrelevant to the role · +3 for relevant charity work · +1 for irrelevant charity work (can’t exactly give negative points for this) · +10 for having written for Travisty o −10 for claiming to have written for Travisty when you haven’t

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· · · · · · · ·

o −20 for not mentioning that you’ve written for Travisty when you have −5 for leadership positions at school (no-one cares about that anymore) o −10 if this is Head Boy/Girl −20 for Duke of Edinburgh awards (like the above, but worse) −30 for any previous experience that unnecessarily shows off your privileged upbringing +1 for each further piece of relevant experience −1 for each further piece of irrelevant experience, e.g. having captained a sports team −3 for claiming that your degree makes you more suited to the role o −10 for claiming this when your degree is totally unrelated to the role −2 for claiming to be friendly or approachable (yes, you’re popular, we get it) −50 for not attempting to explain what makes you quali ed and suited for the role

Aesthetics · +5 for a manifesto that objectively looks nice · +2 for using Trinity colours · +10 for each use of WordArt · −50 for using LaTeX · −5 for a picture of yourself in a club · −2 for a picture of yourself with friends (yes, you’re popular, we get it) o −10 if it’s impossible to tell from your pictures which one is you · −1 for each emoji · −20 for any kind of novelty design (almost always cringeworthy) And nally… · +2 for each current or former TCSU committee member who proposed or seconded you o −5 for not being bothered to ask any of the above and instead asking your equally unknown friends to support you · −10 for not correctly naming the role you’re applying for · −1 for each spelling mistake o −10 for misspelling the name of the role you’re applying for o −20 for misspelling the name of your proposer or seconder o −50 for misspelling your own name · −20 for an unserious manifesto · −30 for running for President as a fresher · −1546 for blatantly attempting to score as highly as possible on this points system The deadline is tonight, and by this stage you might have got an email saying that one or more roles have no candidates (my best guess would be the Computing and Publicity Of cer). Draw up something in MS Paint, ask two of your friends who no one else knows to propose and second you, and you’re good to go. See you all at hustings!

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Horoscopes

There’s a cosmic reason that you turned to this page.

Eoin is here to reveal all Aries: The crescent moon is waxing, so why aren’t you, you hairy beast? Who will want to sleep with you? All that friction will be a massive re hazard. Not that any of this is new to you, of course. You may even be reading this in your mother’s voice.

Taurus: You should run for TCSU. Why not? You’d do a good job. You’ve held positions of responsibility before.

Granted, keeping 14 year olds quiet in a lunch queue isn’t quite the same but still, transferable skills. And you know it’ll make you popular.

Gemini: You should absolutely not run for TCSU. Don’t you dare send that email. Think - you won’t get 100% of the votes, even if you’ve been lucky enough to run unopposed. You’re then going to presume everyone you know didn’t vote for you. Especially your “best friends”. Then you’ll murder them.

Cancer: I can see what you’re wearing. Not the right thing.

You thought this was just early lunch with pastries, right? Wrong. This is where you prove your virility. And stop eating the eggs like that, the person opposite you can

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hear them going down your throat.

Leo: Venus is ying low in the sky today, and I can see that you are feeling its power inside you. And by that I mean you forgot to pull up your y.

Did you just check? Sucker.

Enjoy doing your dumb supervision work on some dumb topic, you sucker.

Virgo: You have a problem. Maybe two. Is it time to solve them?

Hell nah! You’ve got some baking to do. Why else would there be slightly off bananas in your fridge? Or bin?

Libra: Your vehicle of life is broken. Whether that is your car, your bicycle, your shoes, or your boyfriend, you need to x the thing you ride.

Give it the love and care it needs to be better, and then so shall you.

Scorpio: You’re usually not the takethe-initiative kinda person, but it seems like now is the time to be. Do I mean ask out that person/apply for that position/make your stand? No. I mean you should steal the top of the toilet cistern in someone’s room after the next formal.

Classic prank.

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Sagittarius: All around you are enemies.

You see them sharpening their blades in the corner of your eye. You hear their war cries as you sleep. You wake each day in a cold sweat.

You never should have taken that last dessert in hall. I’m fucking raging at you. And I will nd you.

Capricorn: Take the time to learn something new. Maybe the maximum time after someone has committed a minor crime in a Manchester nightclub that the police are allowed to charge you. Hypothetically.

But you know exactly what you did that you should really check the rules on.

Aquarius: Uh oh! Jupiter has appeared again, and as if on cue, so has your ex. That “hey what’s up?” looks dismissible in the cold, rational light of brunch, but watch out this week. Make sure you don’t get entangled again. After all, they’re your friend’s partner now.

Pisces: Go on. Slip the word intersectionality into your essay. Don’t be afraid. Fear is the mind killer. You know your supervisor will like it.

Maybe they’ll forgive you for turning your camera off for the whole of last year.

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