Travisty 15 (#80)

TRAVISTY #15

New Year edition

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Letter from the Editors

Alexander Chamberlain, Grace Glevey, and Muhammad Manji introduce Trinity’s favourite newspaper

N

ew Year Happy, as Yoda would say. As the Earth completed yet another full rotation around the sun, we welcomed in another year with fireworks, friends, family and perhaps a little too much drink. Wow, doesn’t 2012 feel like just yesterday? And now we’re in 2019!

It’s the year that the events of Blade Runner took place, and while we’re glad that hyper-realistic androids haven’t come into existence just yet, we sure wouldn’t mind flying cars to take us to and from uni.

E

very issue, we spend hours brainstorming and writing articles, putting them together in this publication to brighten up your brunch. This issue is no different. As Brexit news dominates the headlines, we’ve given our own novel take on events (Pages 4, 5, 6, and 8) with almost as many articles as votes for May’s deal. If, like the UK, you’re looking for a fresh start this year, consider Grace’s tips (Page 14) or hear what changed Lidija’s life (Page 16). As always, the rivalry between Trinity and St John’s rages on (Page 15) and Uncle A returns to give you some friendly advice (Page 7). What’s more, if you don’t have enough work to occupy yourself with, we’ve got a crossword and a caption contest (Pages 10 and 11) for you to enter, with a prize of fudge.

W

ith every new term, we all vow to make changes. Do more of x, less of y; too often we fail and fall back to our old ways. If you want to make a difference, start small.

Sometimes the littlest things can set off a chain reaction for the better. That’s what the butterfly effect is there for, right? We wish you the best of luck with Lent term. Go out there and smash it. Enjoy the issue!

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

We’ll leave it for you to decide which one’s which.

Another issue on the shelves benches, as it were. I hope you enjoy this one. It’s surprising how much people can write when they have procrastination to do.

As always, get in touch if you’d like to contribute.

Alexander Chamberlain Muhammad M anji Manji is in the process of suing the film franchise Jumanji for stealing his name, despite the original being released before he was born. We’ll let you know how it goes.

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A lexander Chamberlain Alexander said he wasn’t going to set New Year’s resolutions this year. Then he wondered if that was a New Year’s resolution. Now he’s stuck in a paradox.

Grace Glevey Apparently to get into academia you need to get articles published... So here Grace is, upping her publication count (one Travisty edition at a time).

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In This Issue

Meet the creative team behind this week’s issue 2

Letter from the Editors Travisty Editors

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This Issue’s Contributors Travisty Editors

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Headlines

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Uncle A

Travisty Writers Uncle A

Mountain Warehouse To Relocate to Trinity Library 8

A Look Back at 2019

Chris Scott

Joshua Robey

10 Cryptic Crossword Agnijo Banerjee and Andrew Sellek 11 Caption Contest & One-Liners Travisty Writers 12 What’s On in Cambridge

Mina Frost

Cocktail of the Week Muhammad Manji 13 Weather Forecast New Year Poem

Mina Frost Olivia Horne

14 New Year, New EU

Grace Glevey

15 Trinity Shutdown over Border Wall Alexander Chamberlain 16 ‘This!’ Changed My Life!

17 Top Ten Skincare Tips 18 Bill’s Review

Lidija Beric Simon Warrener Chris Scott

19 The Egg that Cracked Instagram Alexandder Chamberlain 20 Horoscopes

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Alexander Chamberlain

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Agnijo Banerjee Our new cruciverbalist.

A ndrew Sellek Our outgoing cruciverbalist.

Chris Scott Chris maintains that he was forced into “helping out”.

H arry Metrebian Is currently applying for his PhD: Pizza Hut Delivery.

Joshua Robey Lives preceisely one year in the future—ask him for the lottery numbers.

Lidija Beric Is like a new person this year.

Mina Frost Watches BBC breakfast just for the weather.

Olivia Horne Speaks the truths that people don’t want to hear.

Shavindra Jayasekera Didn’t write anything for this issue.

We just kept his photo to pad out this page.

Simon Warrener His skin is looking particularly fine recently...

COLLEGE REFUSES TO RENEGOTIATE GREXIT DEAL Sir Gregory Winter, who is due to leave his post as Master later this year, has written to the College Council demanding legal assurances that he will not be kept in the so-called ‘Burrell’s Field Backstop’ against his own wishes.

The Council have agreed to hold an emergency summit, but they say that the Grexit deal is not up for renegotiation, and the Master already has all the assurances he needs.

The nature of the backstop has been the main issue preventing the approval of the deal. Sir Gregory is said to be desperate to avoid the backstop, as once imprisoned in it, there may be no way for him to escape without the Council’s agreement. However, without

the backstop, it is possible that a hard border between Burrell’s and the rest of the College may be necessary. This could lead to conflict and potentially even the breakup of the College, with Burrell’s joining Robinson where some believe it really belongs. On the other hand, some allies of the Master think that there is a technological solution to the issue, although they have been extremely vague on what this means and have appealed to Engineers for help.

Investors are said to be worried about a ‘no-deal Grexit’ in which the Master leaves without receiving severance pay, but some of his friends maintain, contrary to common sense, that this may be worse for the College than for him.

The Council is also publicly opposed to this option, but some believe that it would be advantageous to make an example of Sir Gregory so that future Masters do not attempt to retire. Some members of the Council have even suggested that the Master could retract his retirement, but when one of our reporters mentioned this possibility to him, he simply replied “Grexit means Grexit” and walked away, clutching his Nobel Prize.

The public originally backed Sir Gregory’s decision to leave by the overwhelming margin of 52% to 48%, but a new survey suggests that a small majority (54%) of people would now prefer him to stay.

Harry Metrebian

Missed an Issue?

Read Travisty Online www.issuu.com / travistytrinity

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AROMI ADAPTS TO

POST-BREXIT REALITY

We are reaching the final few hours of our country’s 45-year presence in the European community, and it’s sad to say that the signs are not looking positive. Amidst the government’s cock-up no deal and exchange rate uncertainty, small businesses reliant on imports are suffering. We have been following the progress of the successful Italian sandwich shop and patisserie, Aromi, and their heroic efforts to adapt to the new reality.

It has been a harrowing few months for the franchise. In the summer of 2016 they released a public opinion survey to gauge the public interest and seek feedback about their place in the Cambridge community.

Famed for their Sicilian recipes passed down generations, they had become a mainstay in Cambridge’s culinary scene. A symbol of culture and diversity in the heart of the city centre. They had never put a foot wrong, and everyone expected the survey feedback to reflect that.

What they did not expect was for 52% of their customers to vote for them to abandon their authentic food in favour of homegrown produce.

In the space of 24 hours, Aromi’s cultural heritage had gone from the pride of the town to a foreign body

which had been outcast by a sudden and unexpected wave of xenophobia fuelled by years of government propaganda and oppression of minorities, and possibly a few poorly thought bus adverts. The message was clear—there was no place for European food in Britain.

Take back control of our local food establishments.

Having spent months working on a new menu using only fresh British produce, Aromi has announced a revamped menu which will be set in place from next week onwards.

Despite complaints from staff and the few tolerant customers left, the café chain has decided to remove all Italian words from the menu. “We don’t want to scare off any locals, you know,” said a spokesperson.

“After all, who else will want to choose from our delicious range of cheese and cucumber sandwiches.”

Our reporter at the scene was offered a sample and kindly declined.

Amidst such a period of change, it is only a matter of time before the public opinion will turn on other established brands, such as Costa and Café Nero.

Muhammad Manji

Write for Travisty Come to Writers’ Group!

8:00 pm Mondays in the JCR Email: amc240@cam.ac.uk

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TRINITY TO INSTALL SWIMMING POOL

In a record response to the latest TCSU survey, in which more than one student replied, despite there being no offer of money nor Ben and Jerry’s ice cream as a reward for doing so, Trinity students have expressed desire for something new—a swimming pool.

“The Cam just doesn’t cut it anymore,” said a member of Generation Sensible. “I mean, do you know how many bacteria there are in a litre of river water? I’d rather die of heatstroke than have to dunk myself in that filth.”

When asked where the new swimming pool would be situated, we were given the following response. “Initially, it was planned for Burrell’s Field. There’s already a pond over there, so it wouldn’t take much renovation to turn it into a swimming pool, right? Just chuck a few tubs of chlorine in, and voilà,” said a TCSU spokesperson.

“However,” they continue, “we realised that a far better option is available to us—Great Court itself.

There are six large patches of grass that students never use. We could easily turn one, if not more, of them into a swimming pool.”

Travisty caught up with a gardener to ask for their opinion on the proposed change. “Frankly, I’m relieved,” they confided. “We work tirelessly—planting, trimming and cutting the grass—to make the Trinity lawns the best in Cambridge. And the worst thing— nobody damn uses them! Except for a few fellows when they’re in a rush.” ...(continued on Page 6)

THE TRUE MOAT-IVE BEHIND BREXIT “We’re so close, I can almost taste the champagne,” remarked Theresa May on her imminent Brexit victory and the subsequent removal of our nation from the European Union, soon to be restored to the glory of the Empire Days. After a series of setbacks in Parliament, the Conservative party have lied and cheated their way to securing this latest victory for their party. It has come at a cost, but it is a price Theresa May is very much willing to pay. “Like I always said, strong and stable leadership has prevailed again.”

When asked about what was stable about her own particular brand of leadership, she took a pause and meekly refused to comment, drawing attention to the rewards of the new Brexit bill which has just passed despite huge opposition from her party and pretty much the entire country.

“Today is a glorious day for representative politics. It is a victory for the people,” she rasped.

The hollow tone in her voice reflected the soulless body it came from. “Leaving the EU has saved us billions in bureaucratic costs from their pointless legislation.

Our country will be swimming in money, imagine the tax rises I can make!” she exclaimed, a glint in her eye.

“So, what are you going to do with all that money?” our Brexit correspondent asked. The other journalists in the area all nodded

in agreement; it was a sensible question. Mrs May turned triumphantly towards her and announced: “I am going to build a highly advanced security system around our hallowed isles, creating a deep natural water barrier between our country and those continentals. It will be glorious.”

“But isn’t there already a channel between us and the rest of Europe?”

“Well yes, I know that, obviously. With our new cutting-edge technology, we will make the barrier deeper and impenetrable.

Inspired by our ancestors we are going to build a retractable transport system for the benefit of our overseas citizens fleeing that barbaric place.”

Our correspondent sighed. Theresa May was not one for tact. Nor words. “Do you mean a drawbridge?”

(Continued from Page 5)... “The amount of time it takes to make a patch of grass fit for privileged shoes is unbelievable.”

It is rumoured that Great Court fountain will undergo a transformation as well, becoming a new waterfall feature, flowing into the swimming pool itself. If true, this would come at as a great relief to residents of Great Court, who currently have the ordeal of waking up early every morning and walking half-naked across the cobbles to stand in a long queue for a shower.

Asked how the pool would be funded, TCSU promised to keep the plans cheap, by cutting corners and hiring humanities students with nothing to do to dig the area up, with each shovelful of dirt counting towards their final grade.

Travisty dug further and uncovered that one possible set of plans (conveniently left on a library desk while the owner was off having lunch) proposed that the water to fill the pool be sourced directly from the Cam itself. When we confronted TCSU on this matter, they assured us that such piping does not lead to the pool but is in fact the current mechanism for sourcing the drinking water in students’ rooms.

We thank them for swiftly clearing the issue up.

“So, you’re spending all the money we recover from the EU on a moat?”

Finally, in an attempt to sway any anti-pool voters, TCSU assure us that the facility will be useful all year round, not just during the summer. With temperatures expected to drop below freezing in Lent, the pool will become an ice rink.

“I suppose so. Actually, yes, that sounds about right.” Her eyes lit up proudly. “I am restoring confidence in our moat.”

Get Involved

“Yes, exactly that! I will suggest the new name at the next cabinet meeting.”

Muhammad Manji

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Alexander Chamberlain

Email: amc240@cam.ac.uk

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Uncle A

Travisty’s agony uncle returns to solve your most pressing concerns Dear Uncle A, I cheated during the Christmas vacation.

All throughout Michaelmas, I’d been doing work, and we’d been getting along really well. I thought I could see a future for us. But towards the end of term, things started to get a little rocky.

Our relationship became strained.

Work was being too difficult. It wouldn’t compromise. Then suddenly the holiday arrived and, well, I don’t know what happened. Relaxation just pulled me in. What should I do?

Confused soul

Dear confused soul, We were on a break! Don’t feel bad. Don’t stress. Hopefully, as fun as your holiday may have been, you’ll realise that work is indeed the one for you. All will be good in the end. Give it a few more seasons.

Uncle A — Dear Uncle A I’m having the weirdest nightmares.

There are waves, crashing blades, people screaming unintelligible words. Every morning, I wake up in a cold sweat. What do they mean?

Fearful dreamer Dear fearful dreamer, They’ve begun. It’s not too late, but with each passing day, they’ll get stronger. If you don’t take action now, you risk becoming a boatie forever.

Uncle A

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Mountain Warehouse To Relocate to Trinity Library Chris Scott investigates the booming blanket trade The Cambridge branch of Mountain Warehouse will begin the process of relocating its premises to within the student library of Trinity College, a spokesperson for the company has confirmed.

The high street retail sector has seen a distinct slump in recent years, especially following the country’s vote to leave the European Union. A Mountain Warehouse employee, who did not wish to be named, explained that “sales had been very poor for some time.

I never thought it was a good idea to locate a shop directly adjacent to, well, simply a better version of that same shop [Cotswold], in the first place, to be honest. We all thought we were going to lose our jobs,” she continued. “But then suddenly we heard about the Trinity library, and everything’s been looking up since then!”.

Trinity library, as it turns out, was doing a roaring trade in blankets.

Fearsomely cold in the winter, working students had long been charged a £3 fee to purchase a blanket to guard against the conditions. “I don’t know why they don’t just turn the heating up, to be honest,” one student told us.

“They are one of the wealthiest landowners in Britain, after all.

I suppose they might be worried about their carbon footprint,” she went on. “They’ve already got £9.1m of investments in companies involved in oil and gas ex-

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ploration, production, and refinement, so they’ve got to balance it out somehow.” Another student explained how the blankets were thin and poorly-made, meaning that many library workers found themselves using ‘two or three at a time’ just to keep warm, with some students replacing their threadbare shawls as often as once a week. “I’ve spent nearly a hundred quid on blankets this term alone,” he said.

It wasn’t long before the news filtered out as far as Mountain Warehouse, and its up-and-coming young manager decided to pitch a move of premises to head office. “They lapped it up,” said Travisty’s anonymous source. “No one had seen that level of turnover and profit since Reggae Reggae Sauce hit Dragons’ Den.” The move was a ‘no-brainer’, she told us, and is expected to be completed within the month. In addition to blankets, the library will now stock merino wool base layers, ultralight down jackets and thermal socks.

To make room for the Mountain Warehouse branch, much of the library’s literature section has already been pulped, with speculation that the Reading Room’s large history collection is also in peril. “There’s even less insulation now,” our company source said, “so going forward, business should be even better!”.

A Look Back at 2019 Joshua Robey gives foresight hindsight on the year ahead gone by

2019… It was a year of turbulence and chaos. It was the year during which—in a shocking and unprintable turn of events— Ant McPartlin became the more respectable one in Ant and Dec. Even more surprisingly, Richard Dawkins was announced as the new face on the £50 note, proving, if anything could, that there is no God.

In politics, Theresa May, a Prime Minister who still appears to be buffering, struggled to exact any control on her party or in Parliament, which increasingly resembles an asbestos-ridden primary school in special measures. Jeremy Corbyn, a human picket line blown over in a light breeze, was only spotted on four occasions in 2019, though one of those seems likely to have happened in a dream.

Unrest over Brexit began early in the year. At the end of January, as divisions grew greater by the day, the ever-selfless Sir David Attenborough changed his name to Boaty McBoatface, in a semi-successful bid to allay public ill-will. Yet even this could not prevent uncertainty and confusion. As the chaos escalated and riots began, the government deployed a crack team of cabinet heavyweights to publicly talk up the proposed deal. Michael Gove—a broken promise in human form—travelled south to reassure the population that Brexit would not

cause some sort of apocalyptic catastrophe, at least not before climate change hits. Meanwhile, ex-health secretary Jeremy Hunt, who is to hospitals as MRSA is to hospitals, headed north. The trip was hamstrung when Hunt injured himself in a children’s play area, when he was attacked by a four-year-old with a prodigious understanding of rhyming slang, and a grudge over growing A&E waiting times. Despite his repeated protestations about private medical insurance, he was taken to an NHS hospital.

Though his injuries seemed only minor, it took him five weeks to recover after being comprehensively looked after by a team of enthusiastic junior doctors.

Back in Westminster, Arlene Foster—like a bigoted great aunt drunkenly knocking gin over the body at a wake—stormed out of House of Commons, her DUP gaggle in toe, in Protestant protestation over the proposed Irish backstop. Yet with neither the DUP nor Sinn Fein taking their seats, perhaps Northern Ireland will be more united than ever in disdain towards Britain.

On the 29th March, hours before the Brexit deadline, both May and Corbyn suffered vast personal defeats. Theresa May was nearly ousted from Number 10 by an unforeseen exorcism, whilst Jeremy Corbyn was seen weeping in a garden centre upon the rejection of his loyalty card.

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Onlookers reported a distressed figure flailing at a yucca, before taking himself off to calm himself down with homemade sandwiches and a thermos, behind some trellising.

Despite the Parliamentary shenanigans, the actual moment of EU withdrawal was barely noticed, though you might remember it as the night when the worst person on your road set off some fireworks. But at 11pm on 29th March 2019, Britain was out of Europe—provided that ‘out of Europe’ is defined in the loosest possible terms.

In April, the Liberal Democrats—having failed to make good on their commitment to relevance—entirely vanished on a team-building away-day.

Though the original plans were for a sort of murder mystery treasure hunt, it seems that after an evaluation of their strengths and weaknesses, the party members soon fell into despair. After five or six hours the police closed the inquiry, saying that carrying on the search was not in the public interest, or of any interest to the public. Who knows what really happened? Perhaps they all chose to slip quietly away and get their equivalent of brand-new identities, which for them means being who they always have been and no-one noticing. Or maybe they just jumped in the Thames, and, a lungful of river water apiece, chose to form one last coalition

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with death. Some mysteries are never solved. Though some, like this one, are soon forgotten.

Despite initial controversy, the Eurovision Song Contest did go ahead in Jerusalem in May. Supporters of the cultural boycott of Israel—musicians such as Brian Eno—concluded that they had no issue with the event taking place, as Eurovision could not be reasonably thought of as culture.

July saw the final definite sighting of Jeremy Corbyn, at a summer fete near Rotherham. At this point he seemed tattered and disparate, irked by the heat of what had already become the hottest summer on record, and clutching six jars of homemade jam. Upon failing to secure to secure third place in the ‘breakfast jams’ category, the jaded leader crumped under the weight of failure and promptly vanished, leaving John McDonnell, currently acting leader of the Labour party, to make hasty apologies. McDonnell was later seen taking home the discarded jars of sub-standard jam for his own personal use.

Though he finds the taste repulsive, McDonnell has taken to using Jeremy’s jams (reliably unwanted presents at every Christmas and birthday) to recolour his edition of Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book, whose distinctive cover’s titular colour regularly fades from overuse.

In September, the UK was visited by Donald Trump, a figure who increasingly resembles a ball of half-sentient candyfloss blown through sick by swirling winds of disapproval. The President arrived first at Trump Turnberry,

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where he lost two rounds of golf and made an incoherent speech that sounded like a child’s toy that had nearly run of batteries.

He then proceeded to main part of his UK visit, an extended stay in Salisbury, which had been recommended by ‘close friends’ for its cathedral’s 123 metre spire, a deserted branch of Zizzi, and excellent nightlife. Trump had to cut his trip short to oversee an ongoing dispute in Congress over whether parts of the border wall could be imaginary.

By early December, as protestations over Brexit chaos grew further still, Sir Boaty McBoatface Attenborough, in one last act of heroic generosity, died. “It is better for a nation to come together in grief than fight each other in anger,” Attenborough told the BBC, who live-streamed his protracted yet graceful demise in a primetime Sunday evening slot to bumper audience viewing figures. A week of national mourning followed, though this was slightly marred by as yet unconfirmed tabloid reports that Attenborough’s final weeks had been marked by a turn to unashamed hedonism. The nonagenarian presenter allegedly spent his final days catching and spit-roasting the urban animals of the Richmond area, disgracing himself in a Sea World and spending his entire fortune on single use 5p carrier bags.

The first Christmas post-Brexit was a mixed affair. Unfortunately, presents were in short supply as Santa was stopped by UK border force, tasered accidently for forty-five minutes, and then shot

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by an over-zealous border guard nineteen times. Yet a present-less Britain came together and celebrated the true meaning of Christmas, by getting even more angry and drunk than usual.

Theresa May celebrated Christmas by repeatedly playing Russian roulette in the dark against herself, praying that the eternal nightmare of her existence would finally cease. However, her innate instinct to survive whatever the cost means she is still cowering in Number 10, rocking back and forth before a portrait of Thatcher pock marked with bullet holes. Momentum informed their die-hard Corbyn supporters that he has gone to live on a farm, where he is establishing a true socialist utopia, provided none of the animals turn out to be allegorical constructs smuggled in by George Orwell. Trump continues to meet his one-man commitment to boosting America’s declining hush money industry, though relations with White House staff remain fractious as ever. As his 2020 re-election campaign gears up, some of his more sceptical campaign staff have been optimistically scheduling more and more of his public appearances on grassy knolls. Brexit continues to hang perilously between in and out like a painful bout of constipation. Britain will now pursue a much higher fibre diet, as soon as it realises what that is represented by in the metaphor.

All in all, 2019 seems a year better forgotten, but at least we don’t have to live through it again.

Happy 2020!

Cryptic Crossword Agnijo Banerjee’s brunch brainteaser

Email amc240@cam.ac.uk with the crossword answers by 23:59 on Sunday 3rd February to be in with a shot of winning the prize. The winner will be drawn at random from all completed solutions.

Prize: Slice of fudge & a signed copy of this week’s issue.

The winner will be announced in the next issue.

Last issue’s winner: Angus Robinson

Get Involved Like what you’ve read?

Join the team.

Email: amc240@cam.ac.uk

Across

Down

1 3 5 8

9 10 11 13 16 18 20 23 25 27 28 29 30 31

1 2 3 4 6 7 11 12 14 15 17 19 20 21 22 23 24 26

Biblical bookwork (3) Fool carrying bread, mostly (3) Monk rumoured to cook food (5) Accommodation for disorderly rabble from other place (8) Shakespeare, heartless bastard (4) Plate fracture is bounded (5) Bird leans southward (5) Cook us his food (5) Cheese made the wrong way (4) Ignore the flipped bread rolls (4) Turn your elbow to help with digestion (5) Garment in France you mostly stole (5) Tears shed for flower (5) Noodles reportedly not drunk (4) Forbid introduction about first chapter (8) Church in front of road (5) Force initially strong and steady (3) Fish swims, sheltered (3)

Clip of diamond, perhaps (7) Inside of bun is hot with a curry (5) Passes round gold pieces (6) French (not Northern Irish) ruckus (6) Argue against a drunken brute (5) Website isn't down at start of term (5) Units to measure element with (2) Particle in which oxygen is within (3) Spacecraft, perhaps, seen by buffoon, even (3) Colour and cry (3) Bristles are mostly green (3) Field with first unique real ring in bell (7) Canadian province dating letters (2) Paul was about to bend the rule, lacking energy (6) Roads contain a hundred weapons (6) Current name, least confusing (5) One plays game with picture (5) Fighting stops correctly, about start of century (5)

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Agnijo Banerjee with help from Andrew Sellek

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Caption Contest Your chance to win big

One-Liners Words of wisdom from Travisty’s writers

New Year’s Resolutions A lexander Chamberlain To decide on my resolutions for 2020 so that I’m ahead of the game.

Fedor Misyura To not live in Burrell’s again.

Grace Glevey To do work.

H arry Metrebian To graduate.

Lidija Beric

What comical suggestions do you have for TCSU? Let us know...

Email amc240@cam.ac.uk by 23:59 on Sunday 3rd February with your best caption to be in with a shot of winning.

Prize: Slice of fudge & a signed copy of this week’s issue.

Winning captions will feature in the next issue.

Last issue’s winner only entry:

Mina Frost To take a meteorology course.

Muhammad M anji To spend less energy sending passive aggressive emails to delay supervisions and more energy doing the actual work.

Olivia Horne

‘Three students on the waddle after making quack in Trinity.’

To be less motivated (that way I can’t fail!).

Simon Warrener

by Alexander Chamberlain

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This year, I want to actually do the reading that I have to do. So I’m going to turn on subtitles on Netflix.

To overcome my library addiction.

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What’s On in Cambridge Mina Frost gives you some events for your calendar Happy New Year! If your resolution is to get out of the house more, I have just the thing.

If it isn’t, well, these are just free tips!

• Head to Corpus Playroom to get your fix of culture! A series of short tragically-comical monologues told from the point of view of a young woman with Asperger’s, ‘BirthdA’ provides a portrayal of the dilemmas of youth in equal parts familiar and bizarre. It runs from the 22nd to the 26th of January at 9.30pm.

• For some light entertainment, head to St John’s Picturehouse where “Crazy Rich Asians” is being screened on the 27th of January at 7pm.

• A wholesome pot plant sale is happening at Hughes’ Hall on the 26th of January from 12 till 4pm.

• Ethical Affairs are hosting a panel on How the University can act on climate change, at King’s College Keynes Hall on the 27th of January at 7pm—perfect if you’ve decided to be more socially and politically engaged this year.

• Last but not least, exciting things are happening this term if you’re resolution is to stop going to Wednesday Cindies: 1. Turf x Robinson May Ball on the 17th at Fez 2. Avant Gardening on the 24th, also at Fez

3. Third space // funk around the world II on the 28th, also at Fez

Note: if your resolution is to stop going to Fez, I don’t know what to tell you.

Ingredients 100ml lemonade

Cocktail of the Week

The Termly Reset Start Your Term the Right Way

2 shots of vodka

1tsp of sleep deprivation

1 broken new years resolution

1 drop of “omg how were your holidays!”

1 measure of “pretty unproductive wbu?”

2 more shots of vodka (optional)

Method 1.

Mix all ingredients thoroughly.

3.

Rinse, repeat.

2.

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Down over the course of 8 weeks.

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Weather Forecast Mina Frost uses her surname to predict the Cambridge weather

By now you’ve probably understood that I am treating this column as an exercise in writing fiction, so hopefully you’re not actually basing your outfits on the nonsense I’m churning out. For real time weather in Cambridge, please refer yourself to the BBC website or your weather app, although sometimes I’ve been known to make more accurate predictions.

I mean, guys, it’s Lent, what are you expecting? It’s cold, it’s wet, it’s dreary, and it gets dark at 4pm.

Hopefully, though, it won’t reach -10 degrees like it did last year, or else Travisty might need to find a new columnist while I go to take a holiday in Australia.

Lent is a term of revelations—I’m always surprised to find how many jumpers it’s possible to pile on top of the other, or the extreme shades of blue my hands manage to turn when I forget my gloves.

I’ve also found out that the ‘naps are acceptable when it’s dark outside’ rule can backfire, and that this is not a valid excuse for handing work in late.

There is some entertainment to be found in Lent, like when Great Court turns into an ice rink and walking to Hall becomes something out of an episode of Total Wipeout. If that isn’t enough, remember that brighter, sunnier days are on their way.

Athens, 9th Jan. 2019

New Year Poem Olivia Horne spins a motivational poem New Year, New You. Now you’ll

Exercise three times a week, drink two litres of Water a day, and when someone offers You a biscuit, you’ll say no,

Even if it’s a chocolate digestive.

And you’ll get organised, so that you’ll never be writing Right up to the deadline, or pulling an allNighter… And you won’t let your

Extra-curriculars get out of hand again, Will you? Your DoS will be so happy!

You’ll manage all this, Of course, you will!

… Except that it’s two weeks into January and you’ve already failed.

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New Year, New EU Grace Glevey shares the advice that the country needs It’s a new year, which means both new beginnings and, inevitably, endings. Yes, that’s right, 2019 means some of you will be leaving your teenage years behind, graduating (whether for the first or last time), and shockingly, apparently, it will also mark the end of the UK’s time in the European Union (at time of writing, but who knows).

Whatever your stance on Brexit, the country will (probably?) be undergoing big changes this year, and we can all only do our best to keep on keeping on and making improvements, starting with ourselves. Without further ado, I present to you some new year's resolutions that you (or EU) might like to try out!

1. Leave Toxic Relationships Any respectful, healthy relationship should be mutually beneficial for both parties, and if it’s not, your first step should be to discuss your feelings with them before it goes too far.

But if you’re deciding to hang around with someone that makes you feel smaller than you are or undervalued nonetheless, feel free to cut them off. This can be easier said than done: maybe your head says ‘leave’, but your heart and gut say ‘stay’.

Both of you really need to look inside yourselves and ask what you really want, what this really means. If this means leaving a

long relationship, there can be seemingly intractable issues to resolve, questions like: ‘who gets what?’ and ‘will there be a hard Irish border?’.

2. Save More I know, I know—you’re a student. You have loans and no time for a job. It can be so difficult to save money whilst you study, with so many pressures to eat and drink out, and living so close to the town centre means you’re never too far from temptations. But how about buying a cafetiere instead of spending £2 a day in the bar?

If you stopped buying one coffee every day of term per year, you could save around £350! With this money, think of all the things you could do, such as investing in your health(care)— potentially another good resolution to add to the list!

3. Be More Eco-Friendly Time to focus on something bigger than ourselves.

Sometimes it seems that 80% of what we do for our environment is dictated by other people.

Whether it’s buying a keep cup, signing up to the Student Switch off or putting your kitchen recyclables in your personal blue bin, it’s time to use our own initiative and think about this one for ourselves. Do I need this

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plastic bag? Do I need to eat meat so often, and does almond milk really taste that different on cereal? It may be tempting to go back to old habits because it’s cheaper or more convenient, or because your big business supporters don’t want to be held accountable for their actions, but we should think ahead and make small, easy changes to feel good this new year.

4. Procrastinate Less There’s an unhealthy expectation in Cambridge of how much time one should spend studying, and I’m in no way saying you should study more. But we all have that dead time, whether it’s in the first half an hour of getting up, or during the lethargy after lectures, when we scroll through websites and photos, aimlessly stare at our furniture or curate a new music playlist. It’s a bad habit that we can break this year. We can get organised so that when we need to work under pressure or to a deadline, we are ready and don’t have to blunder about for two to four years, uncertain of how to go about doing the things we’ve committed ourselves to. Being more prepared might help us not make rash decisions too...

5. Quit Smoking

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Trinity College Shutdown Over Border Wall Alexander Chamberlain writes on the politcal turmoil gripping the College In the latest political twist, Trinity College has been shut down due to funding not being approved for the proposed border wall between Trinity and St John’s. The shutdown involves all non-essential workers being furloughed indefinitely while the council debates how to allocate funding.

Opposition has repeatedly questioned why Trinity needs to invest in a costly and likely ineffective wall between the two wealthy rival colleges. In the campaigns, proposers of the wall made it very clear that such a measure would be paid for by St John’s—a statement which he has since backtracked on in a series of Moodle comments.

Originally, the wall, estimated to cost a just over £1 billion, was to be constructed from stone, in an attempt to mimic the architecture of the College itself. That’s for the Trinity facing side, at least. The other side was to be built out of inexpensive concrete. However, it has come to light that this was never to be the case, and that in fact the actual proposals involve very tall steel slats. Border experts have said that this

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has the benefit that you can see through to the other side, allowing Trinitarians to gape at their lesser rivals in the comfort of their own College, without fear of retaliation.

Proposals do not extend to cover natural impassable barriers such as rivers and mountains, and as such, the border wall will stop at either side of the Cam. Critics argue that this will make the feature useless, as any would-be immigrants could easily swim through the water to reach the hallowed land, or even hire the enemy’s own punts to allow dry passage.

What’s more, those in opposition say that even if the wall is as high as the clouds, it will not stop students crossing. Supposedly the tunnel network is extensive. Rumours are that the cost of safe passage currently stands at merely a bottle of red and a ticket to the crossing student’s college formal. A small price to pay to enter into the wealthiest College.

Those in favour claim that the wall will greatly reduce the importation of illegal notes, which are used by students in substitution for going to lectures.

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Scientists agree that use of such illicit material is damaging students’ exam performance and attitude to work. However, an independent research project concluded that over 80% of illegal notes came into the College via legal sources, so a border wall would be ineffective.

Recently, proposers of the wall have claimed that they will invoke executive power to declare a College emergency, allowing the wall to be built using bursary funding, bypassing the need of the council’s approval. Trinity’s recent drop in the Tompkins Table is cited as the main evidence that the College is in decline.

Despite years of debate, the issue still rages on, with both sides adamant that their solution is the only solution. The population of Trinity watches on in nervous anticipation, hoping that the clash of titans happening at the top of the hierarchy will be short-lived, so that the power struggle dominating the headlines won’t sink the College into ruin. If so, Trinity’s coveted Wall may end up built, but it will be guarded by the other side.

‘This!’ Changed My Life!

Lidija Beric presents how it can change yours too

When I first came across ‘this!’, I was a candidate to be a new SI unit: the absolute zero of human despair. The second TV set was playing up, the extra set of fairy lights I’d ordered for Christmas from Amazon weren’t coming— the bank had declined the transaction! The four-bird roast that I’d wanted for Christmas dinner would now have to be downgraded to an overlooked egg at the back of the fridge. I had had enough of the lords a-leaping (my upstairs neighbour had won the lottery and life was now one long party for him and his friends). The only largesse trickling down to me was forming an unpleasant stain on the ceiling.

The Christmas spirit was definitely leaking out of me. Despair was even more firmly nailed on when I realized I did not have the Uber fare to get to even one, never mind both, of the Gatsby themed Christmas parties to which I’d been invited. Just like buses, there’s never a Gatsby party and then two of them come at once and I literally hadn’t the fare to get on either of them, as it were. Each of these vignettes of life’s rich pageant would have been serious enough on their own; taken together they made me develop a huge impatience for the New Year, because I really needed a new me—a rebirth, a new start and some money in my bank account.

It was a complete accident that I happened to stumble upon ‘this!’.

When I began doing ‘this!’, I didn’t even notice it was helping me at first. In fact, it was only when a friend texted me with the

observation “you don’t seem too bothered about the January mocks you’ve got coming up” that I realized I really had changed. No, I wasn’t panicking about the mocks.

I hadn’t even given them a second thought, when usually I would have been overthinking them interminably.

So I began overthinking about what I had been overthinking about since I’d eked out one egg across four courses…

What I’d been overthinking about was ‘this!’. And that was when I had my great enlightenment, clear as if I was being addressed directly by some great, disembodied, spectral voice. Camus had spoken about such ‘prises de conscience’.

Nietzsche had talked about the soul’s ‘Aufklärung’. Aristotle had written down his ideas of a tragic hero’s ‘anagnorisis’. I felt suddenly like the tragic heroine in his great play ‘Medea.’ Realising what a mess my life had become, only to find ‘this!’ to be the unique panacea. Just what I’d been looking for, all along.

I can’t tell you how much ‘this!’ has improved my mood. I now take better care of myself, all thanks to ‘this!’. I’m calmer as a person, and to prove it, I asked my friends to comment more on changes that they’d observed in me since I’d started using ‘this!’: ‘She seems spaced out, all of the time.’

‘She’s finally stopped talking about herself. In fact, she’s kind of stopped talking completely!’

I

cannot

recommend

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‘this!’

enough. It has changed my life, and I have friends who can vouch for that. It could change yours too. Buy your ‘this!’ today and see the change instantly. Don’t worry about the small encyclopaedia of side effects that come with each packet of ‘this!’—you know how overenthusiastic lawyers can get— you don’t actually have to read them, it will only make you feel you are suffering them. This is about your journey, not a list of hazards that only affect a small majority. It really is a happy New Year, all thanks to the revolutionary, life-changing, radical new ‘this!’. Make 2019 your year, only with ‘this!’.

Please subscribe to my YouTube channel (note the carefully positioned product placements; these will pay for the recreation of a dodo from rare DNA samples for next Christmas dinner-my New Year’s resolution is to evolve from lone eggs). Also note my new twitter handle where I explain how ‘this!’ can really work for you (and fill my bank account).

On behalf of ‘this!’ in collaboration with Clickbait Ltd.

Disclaimer: this (no pun intended) is sponsored content, an advertisement, which we must spell out for you in the interest of protecting your consumer rights. Rest assured that there is no other way ‘this!’ nonsense would have made the cut. (I mean ‘this!’ could not even ‘enlighten’ the author that it was Seneca who wrote the masterpiece ‘Medea’—she’s clearly an uneducated peasant).

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Sir Gregory Winter’s Top Ten Skincare Tips Simon Warrener finally gets the molecule master to reveal all Sir Gregory Winter, or Mr Molecule, as he has recently taken to calling himself, has been parading around College with beautiful skin since his appointment as Master in 2012. Receiving his recent Nobel Prize has only confirmed his ability to dazzle even the most skin-conscious of Noble Prize panel judges. But his success has not come out of nowhere, it has taken him years of painstaking research and testing to produce his latest award-winning product: Mr Molecule’s 3-in1 Molecularisation CreamTM. Before he leaves the position of Master at the end of this year, he shared with us at Travisty his top ten tips to make your skin perfect for the New Year.

1. Good skin starts from the toes up, a holistic approach to skin care is needed in a world of climate change and war.

2. Mr Molecule recommends keeping every crevice spotless. Unlike the College, which was recently defiled, it is important that your body remains pure from all internal and external corruptions.

3. Stress is the enemy to beautiful skin. No matter who has annoyed you in the Union, stole your milk from the gyp, or stole your boat spot yesterday morning, you must forgive and forget as we move into a new year.

4. The spray from the Great Court fountain contains a huge level of vital human essences. Mr Molecule therefore recommends daily bathing sessions of at least one hour.

5. Regular bowel movements are vital, no matter where and when you get the urge, it is important to just let it go.

6. Due to the levels of car oil in the Cam it is important to fully submerge yourself at least once a week.

7. Staying outside is good, the library contains huge amounts of dust, which has long been proven to damage even the best of skin.

8. Seven daily applications of Mr Molecule’s 3-in-1 Molecularisation CreamTM. 9. It’s not always what goes on your body, it’s what goes in it! Regularly consuming Trinity Blues can help improve the balance of the four humours: blood, phlegm, black bile, and yellow bile.

10. Tears are a natural moisturiser, so we recommend regular breakdowns to keep your face looking moist and supple.

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Bill’s Review Chris Scott gives his opinion on the recent renovation

‘Fantastic!’ That’s the word uttered by a manager at the newly refurbished Bill’s restaurant, with an enthusiastic yet slightly absent yelp, just as we are halfway through formulating our politely non-committal responses to the question of how our food was. Her sprightliness has not been caught from us: ‘Yeah, it’s all right, I suppose’ is the general line of our responses. But getting things ‘all right’, just good enough, is cause for celebration at Bill’s.

Everything in this place is aimed at doing the job just well enough to keep the money rolling in. It’s a study in cynicism and complacency, executed to a perfection which, when it comes to the service, the food, the décor, isn’t there, because it doesn’t need to be.

For an evening and a night in mid-November, tens of tropical-looking potted plants crowded the Bill’s entrance, as posters in its windows announced that something exciting was happening. It turned out the only excitement was the momentary forestation of Green Street. We approach the restaurant for brunch on a morning at the start of term: the place is packed with arriving students and their parents, a quick fix for some grub after the unpacking up and before they have to pay their way themselves. A waitress stands outside, admirably smiling in far too few clothes for the bitter Cambridge air, and beckons us in; a waistcoated man correctly decides we need a table for four, and passes us to a colleague; the colleague, unwaistcoated, leads

us a few steps to a large round table right by the door, hands us our menus, and tells us Susannah will be our waitress this morning.

Quite what has been gained from this excessive welcome party is unclear. There is an appearance of opulence about much of what is in here which crumbles at the merest hint of pressure: we receive the welcome party one might expect in a much smarter place, and yet no one takes our coats. The brightly-coloured faux-velvet furniture – a straight steal from the nearby Ivy – is uncomfortable and impractical, especially given that fact that we still have our coats (the attempt to hang a jacket on the back of one of the green tub-chairs is a potentially Sisyphean task).

The crockery is pretty – tastefully patterned dishes, a silver-looking sugar cube pot – but the touch gives all away: the latter is light and flimsy, the former something close to plastic, emitting a tuneless thud at the rap of a finger. The menu sounds all the right notes – sourdough toast, pancakes with fresh berries, Cumberland sausage, fresh smoothies – but when the food comes it, too, disappoints. Our stack of five pancakes comes with a tablespoon or two of maple-flavoured golden syrup, ten or so too-ripe blueberries, and another ten or so mushy strawberry eighths. I had a kind of sense of satisfaction as I marvelled at what must be the profit margin on this dish, at a cool eight pounds; but not from the food (I was, to note one positive, granted a generously sized jug of extra syrup (still

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of the flavoured golden variety) on request; but why not provide this straight away?). My friend’s ‘Bill’s brunch’ sets her back fourteen pounds, and is really no more than a traditional fry-up: mushrooms, fried egg, sausage, bacon, black pudding, toast instead of fried bread. The plate is large, disguising the ungenerousness of the portion. Nothing can disguise the quality of the cooking or the produce once you bring it to your mouth. The ‘Cumberland’ sausage has far too low a pork content to be deserving of the name, revealing a slight but unpleasant airiness at the first bite. A ‘rösti’ seems to have last encountered salt when its constituent potatoes were still in the soil. The black pudding tastes of nothing but mixed herbs: there’s no umami here at all. It’s so inoffensive it could host BBC breakfast news. My five-pound smoothie is one-note, all very green; my friend’s double espresso has dripped out of a pretty cheap machine.

The bill at Bill’s? It’s nearly sixty pounds for four people, and two of us shared the pancakes. Our wallets feel as if they’ve taken a battering as we walk back out into the chill air, the waitress who first greeted us having, it seems, long since retreated to the warm indoors. At this rate, it won’t be long before this redesigned Bill’s goes back to its old comforts, too.

Or, perhaps, others will be less irked by it than we were, and it will soon be changing its name to ‘William’s’, while adding an extra 20% to the bill.

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The Egg that Cracked Instagram Alexander Chamberlain secured an exclusive interview with Egg himself Recently an egg became the most liked photograph on Instagram, overtaking Kylie Jenner to the top spot. We catch up with the egg and uncover more...

Q: What compelled you to become a social media star?

A: I’ve always been a bit shy, but recently I’ve started to come out of my shell. I’d heard stories of influencers, as they’re called, making millions of dollars from social media. At first, I just wanted a few extra bucks to buy myself a nice incubator. Now it looks like I’ll never have to work again.

Q: What do your family make of your new-found fame?

A: They’re all really supportive. Mum’s super proud of me.

She really is. She called me up when I hit the first million and congratulated me. I was just rolling around in a circle at the time. When she told me, well, I was egg-static. I wasn’t egg-pecting anything like the reaction I got.

Q: You told us that you’d like to dedicate this achievement to somebody?

Yeah, that’s right. Last year was a bit of a hard time for us, you see. Dad…sniff…cracked.

We were all so shocked. It was just me, my brothers and

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mum. It was a sad time. I think it taught me to seize the day though. Life’s too short otherwise.

ceptable. Truly, truly horrific.

A tarnish on humankind.

A: Well, that’s the thing really—nothing. People like the same old stuff, over and over.

Maybe with fresh faces, but it’s the same old thing. I took a long look at popular influencers—with their smooth curves, chiselled physiques and make-up plastered faces—and I thought to myself: they’re no different to me. I can be like them.

A: Frankly, I think it’s ridiculous. You should see some of the photos people like that upload to the internet! They’re practically naked anyway.

What difference does it make?

I doubt they’d get 40+ million likes even if they were naked.

It would make people realise how fake and unnatural their bodies are, unlike mine. I’m 100% free-range Organic.

Q: What do you think sets you apart from the other influencers?

Q: Why Instagram, and not another social media platform?

A: [chuckles] This one is a bit vain actually, but I like how on Instagram you get hearts and not just little thumbs up. I mean, who really uses thumbs up in real life nowadays, anyway? Certainly not me.

Q: I know this is a sensitive topic, but what do would you like to say to Kylie after she cracked one of your kind?

A: I’d call her a murderer and tell her to rot in jail. It’s understandable that she’s frustrated about my newfound fame, but to go and kill an egg. It’s unac-

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Q: Many, including Kylie, have claimed that the photo should be removed because of nudity concerns—what do you make of this?

Q: Thank you for your time, Egg. Any future plans we should look out for?

A: Keep your eyes peeled for my next post. Expect it for around about Easter. We’ve got some big plans. Chocolate and bunnies and lots more goodness. It’s going to be egg-cellent.

Q: One last thing, does this answer the eternal question, what came first, the chicken or the egg?

A: Well, I don’t see any chickens with millions of likes, so I think you can tell me. [Egg winks].

Horoscopes Alexander Chamberlain, studying the mystic arts, reads your stars

Aries

I see warmth coming to you in these cold winter months.

Quite a lot of warmth, in fact.

Okay, perhaps that’s too much warmth. Be wary when making your toast and don’t stand next to any cars belonging to fellows.

Taurus

I see lots of communication coming your way. Emails from supervisors, texts from family, messages from friends, tagging in memes from acquaintances trying to begin a friendship.

Take precautions so you do not sink in the overwhelming deluge of modern life. Perhaps consider spending some Christmas money on virtual swimming lessons—they’ll help you stay afloat.

Gemini

As I gaze into the sky to read your future, I see brightness. An electrifying display of chromatic bliss. Reds and greens, oranges and blues, greens and violets.

An explosive burst of colour.

Bark, bark, bark. It seems that the dog isn’t a fan of your future.

Perhaps stay away from any stray mutts for the time being.

Cancer

I told you. If you’d just listened to me, you wouldn’t have got coal for Christmas.

Cover Photo by Nitish Meena on Unsplash

Leo

All your life, you seem to take the opposite path to others.

When they go left, you go right.

Do not be afraid to continue as such. Your future shimmers with the same glean as your past. A figure will enter your life, with a kindly face and a lock of reddish hair. Oh wait, that’s me. Well, that’s the last time I try to read futures in a hall of mirrors.

Virgo

Something has been gnawing away at you. Pestering you incessantly, with unrelenting energy. You can’t stop it. It’s affected your health, both mentally and physically. You’re going to miss your new puppy while you’re at university.

Libra

Unlike the scales of your star sign, your bathroom scales are not in divine balance. It seems you that you must have eaten Scorpio’s chocolate over Christmas. Let the guilt go, then you can start to rebalance.

Scorpio

Myriad temptations are in line to derail you from your path. As Odysseus once bound himself to his ship’s mast to deny the sirens’ call, you too must prepare yourself. How else will you stick with dry January, Veganuary and Januhairy?

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Sagittarius

To paraphrase Michael Bublé: It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a New Year, for you… And you’re feeling… the same as always.

Capricorn

I roll the dice. I move my marker around my fortune telling device.

I reach down and carefully select a card to divine your future.

COMMUNITY CHEST Go Back to Old Kent Road.

Well, looks like you’ll be reliving 2018 this year.

Aquarius

You’ll encounter something which will claim to change your life. You’ll hear rave reviews from those who use it, albeit not people you know personally.

Sushi chefs, travel bloggers, social media managers. Best of all—it’s free! Don’t be sucked in.

Install a good ad-blocker. Your grammar is acceptable already.

Pisces

You resolved to see more of your family this year, but it’s not going well. You’ve moved to university, which means you’ll barely see them. Unless they come up at the weekends— London’s only an hour away, after all. But you have other things to do then. Maybe if they agree to do your laundry? That sounds like a fair trade.

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