Travisty 10 (#75)

TRAVISTY floreat pica #10

Letter from the Editors

Megan Crane and Kerem Ergene introduce you to the wonder that is Travisty

H T M

ello. Welcome back and welcome to a new era of Travisty. Please take the time to appreciate the luxurious quality of the issue paper you have in your hands. Like wine, its value will increase over time. We recommend you safeguard it: perhaps place it in a vault? A safe? A goblin-guarded bank? In ten years time this very copy could be worth millions. Well that's inflation for you. his issue is a compliation of all things film-and-televsion related (plus some random other stuff). Turn to Page 16 for 24, an insight into an average day in the life of a Travisty Editor. Struggling to maintain that healthy work-life balance? See Page 6 for a masterclass in photographic procrastination. In search of a more cultured diversion? Turn to Page 4 to find a list of some of Cambridge’s hidden cinematographic gems. ore importantly, Travisty will be holding its Annual General Meeting in the Blue Boar Common Room on Sunday 6th May at 18.30 PM. Free port and pizza will be provided! If you’d like to run for Editor, drop one of us an email and we can provide you with all the information you need. In the meantime, enjoy being back in Trinity, and don’t forget to look forward to the final issue of the year: the May Week Edition.

This Week’s Contributors

So long, farewell, Megan Crane and Kerem Ergene

Contents

Kerem Ergene Megan Crane

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Letter from the Editors

2

This Week’s Contributors

Travisty Writers

3

Cover Stories

Fedor Misyura

4

Cambridge Cinema Review

Harry Metrebian

5

Pseudo-Film Quotations

Muhammad Manji Joe Court Harry Metrebian Kevin Wang

6–7 8 8

Megan Crane

9–10

Kerem Ergene

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Kerem Ergene

How To: Work-Life Balance Travisty Investigates Film Pitches Which Disney Character Are You? What to Watch on Netflix

Andrew Sellek 12–13 Puzzling Puzzles Penny Marshall Kerem Ergene 14–15 How To: Cross a Picket Line Megan Crane

16 16

Cocktail of the Week Advertisments

Alexander Chamberlain Fedor Misyura

17 17

MI6 Investigation Response

Mina Frost Alexander Chamberlain Andrew Sellek Arjun Banwait

Fedor Misyura

Harry Metrebian

Joe Court

Jovan Powar

Kerem Ergene 18–19 24 Muhammad Manji 20–21 Detective Portero Arjun Banwait

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The Economist

Mina Frost Mina Frost

23 23

What’s on in Cambridge?

Weather Forecast

Jovan Powar Travisty Writers

24 24

Horoscopes One-Liners

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Megan Crane

Kevin Wang

Muhammad Manji Penny Marshall

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TRINITY REINTRODUCE BLUE-AND-GOLD CAM CARD

Senior figures at Trinity College have announced that Trinity will be returning to its original blue-and-gold Cam Card design following the conclusion of the academic year.

It comes as the latest in a series of moves designed to demonstrate Trinity’s independence from other colleges; however, this is arguably the boldest move thus far.

In addition to replacing the old style of Cam Card, Trinity will be preventing free admission to those not in possession of the new card.

“As of October 2018, white Cam Cards will not be accepted as ID for admission of students into college,” the press secretary of Trinity College announced in a statement on Friday. “It’s a matter of college security.

“Currently, there’s nothing stopping one of those miscreants from St John’s from grabbing a couple of Sharpies and colouring in the corner of their Cam Card. At present, Trinity College is vulnerable to all sorts of intercollegiate attacks.

“The new design of Cam Card will be the most technologically advanced Cam Card ever, featuring groundbreaking security elements that make producing fraudulent Cam Cards next to impossible. Obviously,

the majority of its features cannot yet be revealed, as this would compromise the security of the Cam Card.

“We can inform you, though, that the blueand-gold Cam Card will be completely Sharpie-proof.“ Reaction to the decision has been mixed, with some experts heralding the move as “innovative” and “revolutionary”. Critics of the move, however, have labelled it as “obnoxious” and have questioned how the decision might affect intercollegiate relations.

When asked about his opinion on this, the press secretary responded, “Now, now, I’m a press secretary. We all know I’m not allowed to have my own opinions. But this is not a matter of intercollegiate diplomacy; it is a matter of collegiate security and preserving our collegiate identity.”

However, a leak from a senior figure within Trinity College has suggested that Trinity may not produce their own Cam Cards, with St John’s College Works Department being awarded the contracts, rather than Trinity’s own. The leak stated that this was in a move to cut costs and that “it’s not like Trinity just has a billion pounds lying around to play with”.

TRIMEMA RETURNS WITH A BRAND NEW LOGO It’s another day of sun for Trinity’s very own cinema society, devoted to promoting the enjoyment and discussion of film— particularly arthouse, independent, classic/ cult, and foreign cinema. Keep a lookout on our Facebook page (@trinitycinema) for news of our events being held next term.

Rumour has it that we’re bringing back the successful May Week open air cinema…

If you’re interested in getting involved, or just want to chat about film (points for mentioning La La Land), feel free to email president@trinema.co.uk, or find Penny Marshall, Elizabeth Huang, or Lillian Crawford around College.

Penny Marhsall

Write For Travisty Think you can do better?

Email ke297@cam.ac.uk mec72@cam.ac.uk

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“BEST PICTURE” WINNER REVEALED IN GORMLEY SCULPTURE COMPETITION Critics have been stunned by the unveiling of the “Best Picture” winner at the gala to celebrate Sir Antony Gormley’s FREE OBJECT statue. When the College announced the Gormley Sculpture Competition, nobody expected the overwhelming influx of entries. After a tough selection process, the picture “Wren Library Unobscured” took the trophy home.

Its creator, Trinity student Heather Reed, thanked Sir Antony for the inspiration the sculpture provided her. “I had never taken a photo before and had no intention of entering the competition,” she said to a stunned audience, who were impressed by the unimaginably clear view she captured of Trinity’s magnificent Wren Library. “It is such a great asset to the College and I wanted to show my support because I am aware that FREE OBJECT had taken the spotlight from it recently.”

In an interview with Travisty after the ceremony, she explained that the erection of the rusty brown statue had reminded her of the long-lasting beauty of the Wren.

The judges praised her work for the unique combination of nostalgia and futurism: “This work simultaneously reminds the people of Trinity of the beauty of the past, but also makes them anticipate the future, when the popular sculpture will be relocated in October 2018.”

Cambridge Cinema Review Fedoor Misyura shares his opinions on the Cambridge cinema scene

The Vue, at the Grafton Very comfortable chairs in addition to excellent sound and video quality make this probably the best screen in Cambridge. The screening rooms are quite small (don’t go with five people as one of you will sit on your own).

The sweet popcorn is objectively bad, and snacks are generally expensive (6 quid for Nachos??).

8/10

Cambridge Arts Picture House, opposite Emma Right in the middle of town and virtually in Spoons this cinema is perfect. Authentic experiences and independent movies as well as a whole range of new films. Comfy old-style chairs in a medium-sized screening room make it a good option if you don’t like walking too far. The Vue has consistently more convenient times for films, however.

7/10

The Light Cinema, by the train station Almost as far as Homerton! Standard chairs and several large screens. It’s older than the Vue… and hence more grim. Has 3D, but who doesn’t? Haven’t been here and don’t know anyone who has—probably for a reason.

6/10

Trinema, Trinity Wait and see the renaissance of cinema experience.

10/10

St. John’s 0/10

St. John’s Picturehouse Marginally better than the college itself as it actually shows films. Come here on Sundays to enjoy some classics for £4 (a bit much). Sound and picture quality are decent, at least for John’s. Check out their Facebook page.

2/10* * because John’s

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Pseudo-Film Quotations Harry Metrebian rewrites some film classics

There are lots of lists of the greatest quotes that have ever been said in films. I have always thought that this is rather unfair on the quotes that haven’t been said in films. So, to redress the balance, here is a small collection of such quotes.

Forrest Gump

“Mama always said Life was like a box of chocolates—you never know what you're gonna get. But Cindies is more like a slice of Camembert—you know exactly what you’re getting, and it’s cheesy as fuck.”

Every James Bond film

“Shit, I’m a secret agent, I wasn’t meant to tell her my name!”

The Empire Strikes Back

“DADDY!!! I never thought I’d get to meet you!” [They hug]

Independence Day

“All the weapons in the world have failed to destroy the ship, so it’s time for our last resort: a 90s Mac.” “But what if the aliens have installed the latest antivirus software?”

Finding Nemo

“Oh my God, this clownfish can talk!”

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

“Why is there a trolley stuck in the wall, and why are people queueing to have their photo taken with it?”

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

“Frodo! Destroy it! Throw it in the—oh no, the fire alarm’s gone off, we better get out of here or we’ll both be Deaned!”

The Social Network “Did I tell you I row?”

Gone with the Wind

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a flying fuck.”

2012

“Today’s headlines: the Yellowstone supervolcano has erupted, California has been destroyed by a magnitude 11 earthquake, and—most tragically of all—that hideous sculpture on the Backs is still standing.”

Fight Club

“The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club.”

“But you’re talking about it right now!”

“No, I’m talking about the rules, not the club. Get your act together.”

“But you said Fight Club—” “Shut it, you’re breaking the first rule of Fight Club!”

“How come you’re allowed to say Fight Club and I’m—” “What do you not understand about not talking about Fight Club? If you can’t get to grips with the first rule, you’ll have a hell of a lot of trouble with the second!”

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How To

balance your work with your wes anderson obsession Muhammad Manji advises you on maintaing that balance everyone needs

We’ve all been there. You’re sitting at your desk, work strewn across the table, and have reached an impasse. You look at the three words you’ve written in the past hour then look at your watch again. It’s nearly sunset.

Suddenly, a bright idea pops into your head. You remember it’s been an entire week since you last posted a picture of Great Court on your Instagram. It feels like a quick photography break would give you the motivation to crack on with your work and meet your deadline in two hours’ time.

You throw on a bright red jumper to get yourself in the right mood, pick up your SLR camera and leave in a rush, leaving your key behind and forgetting to leave your door on latch. You skip hurriedly to Great Court, arriving in time see brilliant streaks of orange in the fading daylight, above the picturesque buildings surrounding the court.

Finding a spot to crouch, you realise your camera is out of battery and you’re going to have to rely on your grainy phone camera with the help of some crude editing software. You position your phone parallel to the far wall, pick a central focus point, before spending approximately eighteen-and-a-half minutes tilting your screen and edging a little to the left then a little bit less to the right to try and get the angles and symmetry lined up. You take a shot.

As you walk back to your room, inspecting your work, you realise that the camera didn’t focus on the backdrop as you had hoped. You roll your eyes and head back to the same spot, very conscious that daylight is quickly disappearing. Eighteen-and-a-half minutes later you head back for the second time, remembering to stop by the Porters’ Lodge to pick up a spare key.

Taking a closer look from the comfort of your bed, you now realise that the colour scheme is all wrong. The dullish yellow brick needs a lighter, mustardy tint. The jaded Great Court lawn needs to be brighter and lusher. Saturation all the way up. You also turn highlights and shadows up, mess around with the structure (whatever that means) and increase warmth. Not satisfied, you play around with filters you’ve never seen before until you create the right effect. Perfect.

Well, not quite perfect but you’re wary of time constraints. You upload it to the ‘gram and watch the likes pour in steadily, with a warm feeling of being appreciated. You steal a look at your watch and realise that four hours have passed. This has not been a productive day.

So, how can you balance your work life with your obsession with Wes Anderson’s cinematography?

I’m still yet to figure that out myself. Sorry for leading you on.

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Travisty Investigates how to make it to hollywood Many Cambridge alumni have gone on to achieve acting superstardom—Joe Court investigates how

Hugh Laurie

Ex-Footlights Pres still going strong, still changing his profile picture every week.

Ian McKellen

Don’t bother trying to balance your degree with ADC hacking, because you shall not pass (aaaaaah).

Tom Hiddleston

Then again, Tom Hiddleston got a Double First.

Sacha Baron Cohen

Baron Cohen recommended making the most of the University Language Centre, saying that their Central Asian programme “really opened doors” for him.

Eddie Redmayne

Put Trinity’s Projects Fund to good use on a Stephen Hawking biopic, which seemed to do quite well.

Film Pitches

Harry Metrebian and Alexander Chamberlain propose ideas to take on Steven Spielberg

Integration

A coming-of-age film about a Mathmo whose world falls apart when he leaves his room for the first time. In order to survive, he must adapt to the daylight and the fresh air, and build up the confidence to engage in his first ever interactions with other people.

P vs NP

A heart-warming and life-affirming story that takes two IMO maths prodigies down into the unchartered territory of forbidden love, with their relationship quickly exceeding polynomial time complexity.

In a nail-biting thriller, the two relatable protagonists need to decide whether their lives are deterministic or unpredictable. Critics call it “X + Y, but with real maths”.

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Which Disney Character Are You?

Megan Crane helps you find solutions to the questions you’ve been asking Having found out last time what kind of duck you are, I’m sure you’re all burning to learn which Disney character best reflects your personality. The wait is over! Simply take this quiz to find your alter ego.

Describe yourself in two words: A) B) C) D) E)

What is your favourite thing to do with friends?

Dishonest, Alone Flirty, Energetic Leader, Fun Friendly, Honest Wise, thoughtful

A) You don’t hang out with friends much B) Shop C) Just talk D) Anything, as long as you’re hanging out together E) Read

What is your favourite colour?

A) Black B) Green C) Red D) Yellow E) Pink

If someone came up to you and said 'hi' what would you say?

A) Get lost moron! I don’t even know you.

B) How you doing, hot stuff?

C) Hi!!

D) Hey, want to be friends?

E) Are you sure it’s wise to go up to random people saying hi?

What is your favourite film genre?

A) Horror B) Chick flick C) Comedy D) Romance E) Documentary

If you were in a clique which would it most likely be?

What is your favourite extra-curricular activity?

A) Archery B) Cheerleading C) Running for class president D) Anything your friends are doing E) Chess club

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A) Emos/Goths B) Preps C) Class clowns D) You don’t believe in cliques. You just want to friends with everyone.

E) Nerds Count up how many As, Bs, Cs, etc. you have, and then turn over to find out your result!

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Mostly A s: Ursula

You are dishonest and selfish, doing whatever you have to in order to make it to the top, even if it means hurting other people (both emotionally and physically). As for friends, you don't have any– no real surprise there.

Mostly Bs: Tinkerbell

You are flirty and energetic but get jealous easily and can be shallow. Many people hang out with you but most friends only last a while before they get tired of your attitude.

Mostly C: Mickey Mouse

You are a strong leader and have a number of trustworthy friends, along with millions of supporters. You know how to joke and have fun but also can be very serious if and when needed.

Mostly D: Pooh Bear

You have many great friends that are trustworthy and honest. You value friendships and do what you can to keep them strong, which usually results in people being by your side for years. You also enjoy the occasional adventure.

Mostly E: Jiminy Cricket

You are very wise and helpful. As far as friends go, you have a few that stick by your side for the most part but can sometimes get tired of your smart remarks. You use good common sense and logic to solve problems and to help others do the same.

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What to Watch on Netflix to break up your revision Kerem Ergene presents his comprehensive guide to your Netflix binges for Easter Term

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Neil Patrick Harris, best-known for playing Neil Patrick Harris in Harold & Kumar and for hosting every awards ceremony since 2009, stars as Count Olaf in this adaption of Lemony Snicket’s series of the same name. With Season 2 having just been released, there’s no better way of reminding yourself that life isn’t all that bad than watching the lives of a fourteen-year-old, a twelve-year-old, and an infant be ruined by an unsightly, morally-repugnant, old man. Plus, for those of you who plan on coming back next year, Season 3 should be out just in time to binge-watch during your 2019 Easter Term.

The Good Place

List your three favourite things. Chances are you just said comedy, ethics, and dystopian fantasy fiction, in that order. Chances are you’ll love The Good Place. Kristen Bell plays Eleanor Shellstrop, a saleswoman from Arizona who was apparently mistaken for a human rights lawyer of the same name and sent to a heaven-like utopia. Chidi Anagonye, portrayed by William Jackson Harper, is an (also deceased) ethics professor who adds to each episode a delightful segment on moral philosophy. For the few who do study philosophy, why not use it as an opportunity to revise and relax simultaneously?

Suits

Mike Ross (Patrick J. Adams, only really known for this very show) isn’t your typical fresh-out-of-lawschool lawyer: for starters, he never attended law school. Taken in by Harvey Spector (Gabriel Macht), one of NYC’s finest lawyers, Mike proves that you don’t need to study law to excel at it. Be warned, despite now being deep into it’s seventh season, the show dries up a little for the start of Season 4. Don’t let that stop you, however, as you’ll find it picks up the pace shortly after. Full of plot twists and starring Meghan Markle, if you haven’t already watched this show, now’s the time to start.

Stranger Things

Starring Finn Wolfhard, ‘that kid from It’, Stranger Things has quickly established itself as one of the best (web) television series of recent years. Currently ranked 25th on IMDb’s list of the “Most Popular TV Shows”, the series combines elements found in films directed by both Stephen King and Steven Spielberg to produce a masterful investigative supernatural drama. It features some pretty good music too.

Black Mirror

Charlie Brooker provides his take on modern society, envisioning the potential dangers that technology brings upon our world. Set in the not-so-distant future, each episode explores the side effects of a new technology, whether that be for the better or, more commonly, the worse. The series itself is aptly named; Black Mirror, Brooker claims, originates from “the cold, shiny screen of a TV, a monitor, a smartphone”.

Choreographed meticulously by Brooker and guaranteed to send chills down your spine, this eye-opening series is certainly not to be missed. If anything, it might persuade you to put away your phone, tablet, and laptop and to actually start revising for those ‘small exam things’ you have.

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Puzzling Puzzles cryptic crossword

Email ke297@cam.ac.uk with the crossword answers to be in with a shot of winning a prize

Across 1, 28 When Churchill least illuminated (7, 4) 8, 22 THS & ET jailed incorrectly in Episode VIII (3, 4, 4) 10 Location of ready-to-release film heard at festival (6) 11 Musical hit in openings of film about normal things

animated—sorcery in action! (8) 14 Left in a dash, had bad dreams on this street (3) 15 The Third Man has crooked smile—not second (4) 16 Trainee made to time The Queen in pub (6) 18 Nuclear Scientist who may madly slander Vertigo?

Not I! (2, 11) 21 “Cut!”: Supervisor left in charge emulates director’s

leads (6) 22 See 8a 24 Tribute from Guillermo del Toro (3) 26 Spirits conjured by head of catering, first officer and

second and third ghostbusters—all in all a tiny bit

spooky (8) 30 Artificial reality heard to be japes played in June (6) 31 Romeo + Juliet set in Europe, inside nose swearing

falsely (7) 32 Boundless lines taken in by cast for film devotee (7) Down 2 Starts after party—friend, leading lady and Kerem

disgusted (8)

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4 5 6

7 9

12 13 17 19

20

21 23 25 27

28 29

King Kong’s heart transplanted into sun god for money (5) Set naturally contains volcano (4) Nebraska street below one’s flight path (4) Bond villain whose mandible is supported by One Direction? (4) Second time where Gene sang to bacterial species (6) Titanic upended, losing 101 new tonnes—starts sinking inside and becomes bubbly (4) Nemo is lost without mother—creates disturbance (5) Cue to start first part of play currently showing Tipsy choristers cover Thriller (4) Unending drama school makes waves when it gets one Oscar (5) Apocalypse happens when credits appear on top of paper (3, 5) Crawled quietly? Yes, like Shrek’s home perhaps? (6) Protest backed by irksome director at heart (4) Emma has fourteen pounds (5) McQueen film: botched escape without urine: imprisoned, right? (4) See 1a Produces egg from screenplay/script (4)

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Guess The Film Title

Penny Marshall quizzes you on your linguistic cinematographic knowledge

So, here’s looking at you, kid. How well do you know your films in translation?

See if you can figure out the original title for each wonderfully weird translation.

Die Slowly (German: Stirb langsam) Hint: A Christmas classic Mom, I Missed the Plane (French: Maman, j’ai raté l’avion) Hint: Why, my child, did you miss the plane? Let’s hope Mom gets back in time…

It’s Raining Falafel (Hebrew: Geshem Shel Falafel) Hint: The concept? Food falling from the sky – and not just falafel.

The Teeth of the Sea (French: Les dents de la mer) Hint: You’re going to need a bigger boat for this epic battle of man vs. nature.

The Unbelievable Journey in a Crazy Plane (German: Die unglaubliche Reise in einem verrückten Flugzeug) Hint: Seriously, you won’t believe the twists and turns.

ANSWERS:

Die Hard; Home Alone; Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs; Jaws; Airplane!

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How To

cross a picket line Kerem Ergene solves all your future picket line crises

Any decision to support or condemn a strike has always been contentious. It’s easy to see why. As such, Travisty has decided to issue the following statement regarding its stance on the recent lecturers’ strikes: • Given both the effect of the recent strikes on students and the reasoning behind the strikes, it is Travisty’s firm belief that it would be unacceptable to take no stance on the matter.

• Travisty is a comedy newspaper and itself takes no political persuasion. It is, therefore, also Travisty’s firm belief that it would be unacceptable to declare support for any motivated party.

• Hence, Travisty has decided to condemn all parties involved in the strikes in any way. This includes, but is not limited to, lecturers, pensions firms, staff, students, MPs, the Travisty writers, the Travisty Editorial Team, and anyone who has either read or heard about the strikes in the news.

With the boring formal stuff now out of the way, we can get to the crux of the matter: how to cross picket lines. I’m not advocating you cross them, just advising you how to do so, should a similar situation arise in the future. Without further ado, here are some ways of continuing with your normal life if strikes ever impact you again.

The Sherlock Holmes Don a deerstalker and a long think coat. Stroll down to the picket line. As you approach, simply tilt your head downwards and lift your coat to your face. Suddenly, you’re completely anonymous.

Pro: You can stop by Zara on your way to lectures to pick one up. It’s the perfect last minute solution.

Con: It’s hard to tell if you’re wearing it backwards. Not a viable option for hip-hop artists.

The Bodyguard This one takes a bit more planning. Think about it. If you’re 6 ft tall and look like you could lift a small car, people tend to naturally move out of your way. Granted, it’s no mean feat getting there, but if you start hitting the gym now, you might just be ready for the next big strike.

Pro: Finally, you’ve got an excuse to use that gym membership you bought in Michaelmas first year.

Con: Extreme weight and stilts tend not to be the best match. If you aren’t already 6 ft tall, you’ll probably find another method will work better for you.

The Mineshaft Get some friends together for an evening with some shovels. Find a soft spot in the Earth and start digging. Voila! You have yourself a path to lectures. We recommend starting from Great Court— the soil there is about as nice as it gets.

Pro: If you’re lucky, you could strike gold.

Con: Possibly the most controversial way of going about it.

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The Scuba Diver Wear a snorkel. Step into the Cam. Swim to lectures. It’s that simple!

Pro: Wow! Now you can get in your morning exercise without even having to row!

Con: If the water touches your skin, you’ll die within 36 hours.

The Sewers Outside Great Gate, approximately five metres past the last bike rack, you’ll find a manhole cover.

Open it and slide down the ladder. Now you have a route to lectures that completely avoids any picket lines! As a bonus, the water quality is better here than in the Cam. Pro: If you’re a Mathmo, you might actually end up smelling better by the time you reach lectures.

Con: A change of clothes is required.

The Cloak What’s a sure-fire way of crossing a picket line without being caught? Don’t be seen! What’s a surefire way of crossing a picket line without being seen? Wear a cloak of invisibility! Buy yours today from https://tinyurl.com/TravistyCloak Pro: A cloak of invisibility can come in handy in more ways than one.

Con: They’re easy to misplace.

The Suitcase Buy a small suitcase. Fill the suitcase with whatever wiring or cabling you can find. Allow a few wires to protrude from the suitcase. Pay a tourist to take your bag and leave it outside your lecture theatre. Pay another tourist to ring 999 and tell them a suspicious package had been left outside your lecture theatre. Now the picket line has somewhat magically disappeared and you’ve reduced the problem to crossing a police line instead.

Pro: Never use that ethernet cable you were given in first year? Have too many broken wires? Put them in the suitcase! Problem solved!

Con: Your lecture may also be cancelled.

The Helicopter It’s fairly self-explanatory. Hire a helicopter and don’t cross the picket line, fly over it. Pilot recommended.

Pro: Is there a more stylish way of arriving at lectures?

Con: It feels like cheating. “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt” would have been a lot more dull if someone had taken a helicopter.

The Student Fill a bag with books and carry three more under your arm. As you approach the picket line, pretend to receive a call from a friend. Start crying. No one’s gonna confront you if you’re crying.

Pro: Each book makes you look an additional 70% smarter.

Con: Is there a less stylish way of arriving at lectures?

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COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK

Goblet of Fire

serves 1

Method

1. Pour vodka, blue curacao, and lemonade into a gobletstyle glass.

2. Top with a splash of rum.

3. Light on fire.

4. Add a pinch of cinnamon to give the flames that extra spark.

5. Apologise to neighbours for setting off fire alarm.

Ingredients i oz vodka i oz blue curacao iii oz lemonade splash of 75.5% rum pinch of cinnamon

Something on your mind?

Want to get something off your chest?

In need of some witty and slightly humorous advice?

When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand... Travisty's Aunty M is here!

Send in your submissions to:

agonyaunt.wufoo.co.uk/forms/travisty-agony-aunt/

TRAVISTY AGM 18.30 Sunday 6th May Blue Boar Common Room

Write For Travisty Submissions are always welcome! Get in contact with any of the writers, or email an editor at ke297@cam.ac.uk or mec72@cam.ac.uk.

We hold Writers’ Groups to discuss ideas every week at 8 PM on Mondays in the JCR, where we provide port and samples of the current Cocktail of the Week.

Free pizza and port!

If you’d like to run for Editor, please email ke297@cam.ac.uk or mec72@cam.ac.uk.

Get involved.

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MI6 Launch Investigation

into russian interference in uk weather

Alexander Chamberlain reports on the latest of Russian scandals

In the latest news regarding the snow scandal, Travisty understands that MI6, the UK’s Secret Intelligence Service, have launched an open investigation into allegations that a Russian weather front (codenamed ‘The Beast from the East’) has interfered with our climate.

At approximately 1300 hours on Monday 26th February, snow began falling over Trinity College Cambridge. Sub-zero temperatures and dry ground gave perfect conditions for the snow to settle.

It ceased briefly, before a second wave struck, piling up on top of the first. With the weather also came a swathe of Facebook and Instagram posts of a snow-topped Great Court. Questions have been raised as to whether this is Russian propaganda.

This most peculiar weather in late February, coupled with reports that a cold, hard wind blowing from Siberia, prompted MI6 to launch their investigation. However, the Met Office insists that no meddling has taken place and continues attempts to thwart the ongoing case.

K remlin Response to Allegations The Russian government is disappointed to hear that the MI6 is accusing us of meddling with Cambridge weather. We did no such thing. This, yet another preposterous set of allegations against our government, will lead to further degradation of UK–Russian relations. This is a further sign of the West failing to move on from the Cold War mindset.

The Russian intelligence community has also brought to our attention the recent weather crisis in Cambridge, UK. We too recognise this as a deliberate act of climo-warfare. The source of hacking could have come from anywhere. Ask yourselves, why is the British Government not accusing UAE? The place known to intelligence communities around the globe as the home of Chinese inter-continental ballistic snow missiles.

To suggest that our government is capable of such things is crooked. We do not involve ourselves with the demo-climatic processes of other countries. Russia believes that it has also been affected by this climoattack. It has been faced with weather far worse than usual, with temperatures reaching as low as –700 ºC in central Moscow.

Kremlin, Moscow

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A Travisty Editor, who wishes to remain nameless, describes his typical day

The following events take place between the hours of 5:30 AM on Thursday 22nd February 2018 and 5:30 AM on Friday 23rd February 2018.

05:30 Wake up. Turn on light. Throw clothes on. Realise –5 ºC outside. Realise it’s snowing. Throw more clothes on. Eat breakfast. Brush teeth. Leave room.

05:50 Arrive in underground bike storage. Take out bike. Realise it has a puncture. Put away bike.

Start running.

06:05 Arrive at boathouse, late. Eat breakfast. Sit in boat. Shout things into microphone. Shout at another cox for making questionable manoeuvre. Make the same questionable manoeuvre. Get out of boat. Eat chocolate bar. Leave boathouse.

08:15 Arrive at breakfast. Eat breakfast. Leave breakfast.

09:05 Arrive at lectures. Remove excess clothing. Spend five minutes finding pen from bag. Start talking taking notes. Eat whatever is left in bag. Leave lectures.

13:05 Arrive in bar. Take out laptop. Send passive-aggressive message to tennis team reminding them to pay for kit. Receive excuses. Order panini. Send passive-aggressive message to Travisty writers reminding them to send it their articles. Receive excuses. Eat panini. Send passive-aggressive message to tennis team reminding them to pay for membership. Receive excuses. Buy coke and wafer-biscuits. Try to flirt with girl sitting opposite me. Vow not to try that again.

14:00 Try to fix TCSU website. Fail at fixing TCSU website. Accidentally remove myself as an admin.

Notice this is an interesting way of solving problems.

14:30 Load Dropbox. Start editing articles. Complain to Megan that Arjun’s articles are unfunny.

Rewrite Arjun’s articles. Complain to Mina that Muhammad’s articles are unethical. Rewrite Muhammad’s articles. Wonder which is worse. Get food from bar. Change hyphens to emdashes. Change the boring, straight quotation marks to the exciting, curly kind. Fix people’s spelling. Think why can’t people spell? Save edited articles.

17:30 Get food from bar. Open InDesign. Swear at laptop for crashing. Restart laptop. Open InDesign.

Input articles. Format everything to look nice. Change metric spacing to optical spacing. Make

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sure everything is centred correctly. Insert subtle dig at May Ball poster into one of my articles.

Realise I’m hungry. Save file. Close laptop. Ask someone to watch laptop. Leave bar.

21:30 Arrive in Sainsbury’s. Buy a meal deal. Leave Sainsbury’s. Arrive in Maccies. Buy large five Chicken Select meal with coke, Sour Cream and Chive dip, and free Oreo McFlurry. Eat Maccies. Leave Maccies.

22:15 Arrive back in bar. Open laptop. Start working on front page. Break vow and try to flirt with girl sitting opposite me. Say what do you mean you don’t care about typography? Say have you seen how cool this font looks? Give up. Finishing editing front page. Start working on back page. Realise the article deadline was three days ago and Jovan hasn’t sent me horoscopes. Remind Jovan the article deadline was three days ago and he hasn’t sent me horoscopes. Get kicked out of bar.

23:15 Arrive in room. Realise I’ve been out of my room for last seventeen-and-a-half hours. Realise we still haven’t written a Letter from the Editors. Message Megan. Receive horoscopes from Jovan.

Add them to back page. Receive response from Megan. Finish editing back page.

23:45 Say hi to Megan as she arrives. Ask her how her day has been. Listen to response. Say mine hasn’t been too bad either. Start working on letter. Realise we don’t know what to write. Come up with idea she doesn’t like. Reject her idea, which I don’t like. Repeat several times. Settle on idea we both don’t hate. Write letter. Realise we both hate it. Delete letter.

00:30 Agree on another idea. Write letter. Add strikethrough jokes. Consider whether strikethrough jokes might not be funny. Dismiss idea as foolish. Realise it’s late. Say bye to Megan as she leaves.

01:00 Work on last-minute touches. Check justification. Check spacing is set to optical and not metric.

Realise I missed out an article. Add the article. Realise there’s no Cocktail of the Week. Come up with alcohol-themed pun. Add to document.

01:45 Convert document to PDF. Send to Travisty group chat. Eat meal deal. Brush teeth. Message some friends. Get ready to sleep.

02:15 Receive list of thirteen mistakes in PDF. Reply thank you while swearing at myself. Fix mistakes.

Contemplate adding apology for whatever ethical wrongdoing we committed the fortnight before. Decide against it. Send final PDF to Megan. Close laptop. Turn phone onto Do Not Disturb mode.

03:15 Turn off light.

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Detective Portero We last saw our hero in the Great Court wine cellars, face to face with the coyote thieves themselves. Portero was holding Caesar’s fallen gun, staring down the miscreant John’s students.

Epsiode IV of Muhammad Manji and Martha O’Neil’s detective thriller

Bedder Margaret, almost unrecognisable in an evil looking faux fur coat and sinister black leather gloves, had appeared behind him.

“Margaret?!”

Portero exclaimed. “What on earth are you doing here?”. She cackled, then coughed a lot, then laughed normally. “Ah, you see, Winstanley, you have no idea what you’ve been dealing with this whole time.” She paused thoughtfully, then continued.

Detective Portero held up his newfound gun and looked at the scared faces in front of him. This would make a nice new addition to the ultra-secret Porters’ weapon stash, he thought. Suddenly, a “These boys were supposed to hesitant voice spoke up. finish off the job but I suppose I shall have to do it myself. You “You’re not going to shoot us, Mr see, Winstanley, it's the slow Porter, are you?”. It was, of course, knife, the knife that takes its Caesar. Not so intimidating time, the knife that waits years anymore, Winstanley thought. without forgetting, then slips He lowered his gun. quietly between the bones. That's “This gun isn’t even loaded.” the knife that cuts deepest.” he said gruffly. “And besides, “That sounds like a quote from I don’t need to. You see this?”

Batman. Why are you here He indicated at his handy torch again?” Portero pondered. He that he had just pulled out of his really had no idea what was blazer pocket. “This torch has going on. Margaret looked an in-built voice recorder. You’re unimpressed. She thought about all going to be handed in to the killing him then decided against police and you’re going to be it. This happened a few more punished for your foolishness.” times until she spoke up again.

He looked up at Ophelia, “Fine, I guess I’ll have to go expecting her to be in awe of his through my tragic backstory.” bravery, but found her distracted “I’ve been at Trinity for a long by some very old wine labels. He time, Winstanley, far longer than sighed. “Right then, let’s be off you have. I’ve seen dark times, with you lot.” He pocketed the and had reached my lowest point torch and gun but was stopped almost six years ago to the day. I in his tracks by a hauntingly was cleaning sick off a toilet floor familiar and unexpected voice. in Whewell’s Court for the third “Not so fast.” He heard a gun day in a row. I decided I had had cock behind him, and sighed enough, and headed straight to once more. the housekeeping department to

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hand in my resignation letter. It was then that I met Dolores, the love of my life.”

“Well what happened to her?”

The Head Porter spoke out against the sudden awkward silence. Both she and Portero had only been at College for six months, and as much as she wanted to be tucked into bed with a mug of hot chocolate, she was quite curious.

“You see, Dolores was a cat.

She had such piercing eyes, and a wonderful purr.” Her eyes drifted off to the distance while everybody stared at her, then snapped back towards Winstanley. “And she remained my only companion in college.

That is, until they got rid of her.

One morning she never returned to me, and to this day I see her luminous eyes every night before I go to bed. Why should this college take something so precious from me without reason? I decided that day that I would get my revenge.”

Portero stared blankly at her.

He really wasn’t sure what he was witnessing. When it became clear that she was waiting for some sort of response from him, he quipped up, “Ah I see. So what’s the relevance of all that again?” She glared at him and moved her gun closer to his face.

“I am going to steal something precious from the College, and you’re not going to stop me.

Don’t you know what’s behind

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this vault door?” He shook his and walls. The walls were lined head, and she sighed again. with oil portraits that looked really expensive and were in fact “It’s the original portrait of even more expensive than they Henry VIII—you don’t think looked. Across the middle axis they’d store it upstairs in broad of the room were small pillars daylight, do you? So I found holding up important looking these students from St John’s artifacts such as a bronzed skull, who loathe Trinity as much as I and a very old map that looked do, and persuaded them to help like a primary school history me find the entrance. But once project but actually lead to an they started messing around unfathomably large treasure with those pesky coyotes it was hoard. Portero realised that they clear they could no longer be were inside the heart of Trinity’s trusted. They came here today wealth: the most valuable and looking for me, and I came here secret museum that had ever with the password I managed existed. to steal from the Master’s desk earlier today. So, let’s open the He walked slowly along the vault, shall we?” right of the central pillars, running his fingers along the Nobody else seemed to be marble and glass exhibits as he sharing her enthusiasm so she did so. He hadn’t brought his decided to get on with it. She reading glasses otherwise he cackled again and burst into a would have understood the true coughing fit. She really needed value of Bertrand Russell’s cast to get that cough looked into. bronze skull which was staring She backed away from Portero, at him ominously, warning him still pointing the gun at his of the danger posed if Margaret head, towards the vault door managed to take anything. and typed in the eight-digit It’s not really talking to me, he passcode. The door swung open thought. This is all a bad dream. automatically and swirls of mist And then it occurred to him that poured out. Clearly the person he had forgotten about her, and who built that had a penchant spun round to find her at the for the dramatic. Margaret led end of the hallway. He walked the way in, and Portero followed over to the enormous and after a threatening glance back unmistakably authentic portrait towards him. He looked behind of Henry VIII on the wall in him to see that the kids and front of her. Between Margaret Ophelia had clearly taken their and her prize lay a raised block opportunities to escape and of the same white marble which get a good night’s sleep whilst covered almost every surface of Margaret was taunting him. the room.

The eerie mist cleared as they ‘HERE LIES THE CRYPT walked inside, and revealed OF SIR ISAAC NEWTON’ a bizzare, long room with a said the large letters across glistening white marble floor

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the top. A shiver ran down Winstanley’s spine, and he turned to see Margaret grinning gleefully. “We should go, this is surely more than you bargained for,” he advised her.

She ignored him, and blew the dust off the marble slab covering the entrance. Portero had seen enough Indiana Jones films to know that they were in trouble, and hurried back towards the wine cellars.

A few moments later he heard a scream behind him and saw the reflections of a blinding flash behind him. He didn’t turn back, and closed the vault door behind him. He collapsed outside the door, and leant against it, panting. He pictured the paperwork that he’d have to do the next morning and decided he would take a few sick days.

He picked up his phone and dialled Ophelia, the only contact he had in his phone, saved under HP. It went straight to her answerphone. Hi this is Ophelia, sorry I can’t take your call right now. Please leave your message after the tone. *BEEP* “Hey Ophelia, this is Winstanley. What do you think about taking a break from work tomorrow. I can get us a private jet to Brazil, seven o’clock sharp in the morning. I think I’m done with this place for good. See you there.”

It was finally over. He sighed happily, knowing that his story would be published in all the prestigious student papers in Cambridge. He would become a hero.

The Economist tcsu budget

Arjun Banwait helps TCSU plan the upcoming year

(8x) Lights for Burrell’s £ 2 400 New research suggests a direct link between there being light and you being able to see where you’re going.

JCR renovation 2.0: The American table is broken, cues are no longer straight, some of the PS4 remotes are problematic, and the games are outdated, at best. JCR quality should reflect the Tompkins table: Trinity should be undisputedly the best.

• • • • •

English pool table 2x Decent cues 4x functioning PS4 remotes Some PS4 games from this decade Fußball table

£ £ £ £ £

879 732 200 450 578.90

3.5 Bops per year £ 3 500 Though infrequent, substantial funds are required to keep free drinks in circulation.

3:1 scaled statue of Toby Henley Smith to replace FREE OBJECT Following the installation of a statue on the Backs, we propose replacing it with a statue of this year’s outgoing President, to be replaced with the outgoing President each year.

• Removal of FREE OBJECT • Carving of statue • Installation of statue

£ 7 600 £ 23 000 £ 2 000

Misappropriation of funds I mean, it’s still a council right?

£ 1 700

Week 5 chocolates

£ 746 Week 5 chocolates have been proven to relieve deadline crises and are even rumoured to produce some level of libido in Trinmos.

Total: £ 43 785.90

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What’s on in Cambridge?

Mina Frost gives her worldly avice on how to procrastinate

Take a well-deserved (or not, I don’t judge) break from your revision: If you’re not feeling too adventurous, stay in college and take an active part in discussing the future of Trinity at the Responsible Investment Society’s launch meeting! It will take place on Sunday 29th April in the Winstanley Lecture Hall at 4 PM. In case you haven’t had enough of being locked inside a dark room, the new Wes Anderson film, Isle of Dogs, is being screened at St John’s Picture House on Sunday 6th May at 7 PM—I heard puppy therapy was very good for productivity...

Bored of the soundtrack of frantic typing and page turning? The Cambridge Mahler Orchestra are playing in Jesus College Chapel on Friday 4th May at 8 PM—enjoy an evening of soothing tunes! Additionally, people can’t hear you cry over the sound of an orchestra.

Combine socialising, meditation and some exercise with a Pop-Up Park Yoga session at Jesus green on Sunday 6th May at 12 AM! As an added bonus, if the weather is rubbish, people will mistake the tears streaming down your face for the rain.

Weather Forecast Cambridge City Centre You thought summer was here—you switched your cappuccinos for your iced lattes, you got your Instragrammable smoothies to drink by the fountain, and you convinced yourself that you would manage to get work done outside!

HAH. GOTCHA.

Easter Term wouldn’t be quite the same without the old pathetic fallacy, right? On the plus side, the weather is now ideal for filming a melodramatic movie depicting your revision, and you can wallow in even more self-pity. Your perfect Cambridge Instagram posts are ruined though, and now you have nothing left to convince friends at other unis that you sold your soul for a reason.

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Horoscopes One-Liners

A ries How well do you know the back of your hand? Just reading those five words sends a shiver down your spine. When someone turns that particular phrase you nod, knowingly. You roll your eyes, supportively.

Of course, you both possess a comprehensive mental map of your respective palms’ rear. The metacarpals are your domain, and your mastery is unrivalled; to offer a dissent would be tantamount to treason.

Your face flushes and you change the subject, your discursive partner ignorant to your internal frenzy— rationally so, as who would lie about knowing the back of their hand? Your greatest shame burns within, brighter for every evening that passes without the routine inspection of the hands for new blemishes, a practice drilled into us all as children. Your fear, Aries, is that to begin now would force you to face the insurmountable task of it, that your hands’ complexity has blossomed to a point where it would take weeks, months to learn. So you procrastinate, and the task slowly grows, and looms.

Bite the bullet, Aries. It does a soul no good to dig further into the pit of procrastination. The best time to put down the shovel and begin the climb out is the present.

Taurus Taurus, you have a lot to be proud of. I mean, you have the highest market share of any energy drink in the world. But remember, excessive or repeated consumption can lead to cardiac and psychiatric conditions. Remember to take it slow, and give yourself some time to breathe this week.

Cover photo by Conner Murphy on Unsplash

Travisty’s very own Professor Trelawney reads your stars Gemini You’re close to a breakthrough, Gemini. Mercury and Pluto have aligned, and this tie will fuel an intense focus in you. Turn your mind to your greatest project: get out the whiteboard, push pins, and your list of bigfoot sightings.

Your friendships will suffer this month, but if you have built them well, as you come out the other side of your endeavour all bonds will be made anew and stronger than ever.

Cancer The time is right, Cancer.

With Jupiter in retrograde, it’s your chance to seize the opportunity and make a move. Invite that special someone over for dinner (pro tip: purchase fast food and disguise it as your own cooking) and wait for the sparks to fly. Tonight’s forecast: aurora borealis, localised entirely within your bedroom.

Leo This is your month. Some would finally say you have been 'Leo-berated'. Cast away your catholic school shackles and take some meth! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Its hard doing medicine! HEY GET OFF HER THAT METH WAS EXPENSIVE Virgo virgo, virgere, virgini, virginitus (verb, 3rd): 1. To remain innocent; 2. To study mathematics at Trinity College, Cambridge Libra The scales of justice—the most recent addition to the zodiac—Libra is a shortening of “Liberation from Bras” and was added to the astrological calendar by the 91st United States Congress as a consolation prize to second wave feminists, after the legislators’ failure to successfully enact an Equal Rights Amendment.

This later won Congress the Guinness World Record for “white men most comprehensively missing the point.”

Scorpio You’re on fire! Literally, everything itches. It might not be seasonal eczema after all. You’re probably wondering if maybe you caught more than feelings in Cindies in Week 9. Book a free STI test today.

Sagittarius Clad in all her bulky equipment and with the flags flapping sagittariously in the wind, she made a dramatic picture, and the thought drifted through my mind that she should have a wonderful summer if she stopped trying to plan it so intensively.

Capricorn A pale varietal, often used on pizza or in a salad, to add a little punch and the suggestion of a sun-kissed Italian getaway. Closely related to the Naplescorn and the Amalficorn. Tasting notes: slightly salty, does well when mixed with different personalities, only really fun in warm weather.

Aquarius Love is in the air, Aquarius! There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but you won’t catch any if you don’t throw out a line. If you do, I predict a tall, mysterious stranger to sweep you off your feet, and into the Cam. No more masturbating in the bath, it’s time to fuck in the fountain.

Pisces This term, Pisces, you’re going to be unstoppable.

You’re a force of nature, and woe betide anyone or anything that gets in your way.

If the tripos wants to slow you down, it’s going to need a bigger boat.

Write For Travisty Think you can do better?

Email ke297@cam.ac.uk mec72@cam.ac.uk

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Films Representing Our Time At Trinity

Weekly hot takes from Travisty’s writers A lexander Chamberlain Dumbo A ndrew Sellek Groundhog Day A rjun Banwait Dead Man on Campus Fedor Misyura From Russia with Love H arry Metrebian A Series of Unfortunate Events Joe Court How to Lose Friends & Alienate People 2012

Jovan Powar

K erem Ergene Mean Girls K evin Wang The Hunger Games Megan Crane Idiocracy Calvary

Mina Frost

Muhammad M anji Dazed and Confused Penny M arshall It’s a Wonderful Life

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