Travisty 11 (#76)

TRAVISTY #11

the May Week edition

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Letter from the Editors

Megan Crane and Kerem Ergene introduce you to the wonder that is Travisty

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ongratulations on making it through the year at Cambridge! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the May Balls are kicking off. That’s right, no more work, no more tears, and no more of Kerem’s weekly bulletins for a whole three months. However, with great joy also comes great sadness. It is with great reluctance that we must now inform you are currently reading the final issue of Travisty of the year. No more will you be graced with the eloquence of Trinity’s finest editorial team. I know, it’s gonna be a rough summer, but think about things from our perspective. Our Saturday evenings will instead be occupied by a pang of emptiness; Sunday mornings will no longer be spent hurling abuse (verbal and physical) at the painfully unresponsive library printer. However, on the plus side, next year we’ll have time to do our degrees.

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s we bid farewell, we welcome in Alexander Chamberlain, next year’s Editor. Alexander is a Mathmo, so we’re sure he’ll bring the same obsessive attention to detail as Megan has provided us this year. He promises us that he can indeed use words, sometimes even coherently. What more could you want from an Editor?

n this week’s issue, you can find a guide to the May Ball crowd: turn to Page 8 to find out more. You’ve still got at least twenty-four hours before it begins: that’s plenty of time to find a new dress (or partner). With the World Cup now in full swing, Muhammad Manji offers his guide on how to stay hydrated during World Cup season (Page 6). On that wholesome note, make your way to Page 9 to find Mina’s Mindful May Week Memo. (Wow, what a way to go out! We’ve used alliteration! Seriously, just look at all the literary techniques we’ve interspersed in this!)

Farewell, enjoy the summer, and we’ll see you in October.

This Week’s Contributors

Megan and Kerem xxx

Contents

Kerem Ergene Megan Crane

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Letter from the Editors

2

This Week’s Contributors

Toby Henley Smith Penny Marshall

3

There and Vac Again

3

Headline Contributors

Harry Metrebian

4–5

World Cup Predicttions

Kerem Ergene

Muhammad Manji

6

World Cup Water Drinking Game

Andrew Sellek

7

Puzzling Puzzles

Kate Pfeffer

8–9

Baller Spotting

Mina Frost

9

Mindful May Week Memo

Arjun Banwait

10

The Economist

Mina Frost Mina Frost

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What’s on in Cambridge?

Weather Forecast

Robert Shearme Kerem Ergene Travisty Writers

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Horoscopes

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One-Liners

Mina Frost

Megan Crane

Andrew Sellek

Arjun Banwait

Harry Metrebian Kitty Pfeffer Muhammad Manji Penny Marshall Robert Shearme

Toby Henley Smith

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There and Vac Again Toby Henley Smith and Penny Marshall issue their guide to maintaining a relationship over the long vacation

So you’ve decided not to break up with your Significant Other (SO) at the end of the academic year. That’s a good choice! Sixteen weeks being exclusive sounds great to us, especially when you’ll be apart for most of it.

Here are our top tips for a strong and stable relationship when ball is said and done.

Stay connected

Don’t fall out of touch with your SO. Message them throughout the day to let them know you’re thinking of them. Send unsolicited Deliveroo. Maybe surprise them with flowers? Fall asleep talking to them on FaceTime every night.

Meet up

Somewhere between your internship/summer work experience/starting that YouTube channel you‘ll inevitably have some gaps in your schedule. This is a perfect opportunity to meet the parents of your SO or—if you’ve already done that—repair relations. You could hit the beach, go camping, road-trip, or do something you didn’t do with your last girlfriend.

Get possessive

Set their face as your phone background. Set their phone background as your face. Keep an eye on their new Facebook friends and Instagram likes. Track their every move on Snapchat (just to make sure they got home safe!). Message them throughout the day to let them know you’re thinking of them.

Try ‘microcheating’

Everyone’s doing it these days! Withhold your relationship status from the people you meet. Leave side-eyesemoji Instagram comments. Learn to wink. Get a secret Tinder. Tell yourself it couldn’t hurt to message your ex to say how great they’re looking. After all, your SO is bound to be doing the same.

Try ‘macrocheating’

What’s macrocheating you ask? It’s like microcheating without the micro. If microcheating is now a topic of debate, surely macrocheating will eventually get the journalistic recognition it deserves? As they say, a bird in the hand is worth two in Cambridge. Come autumn, microcheating will be so last season. Stay ahead of the curve.

After a long, hard of summer of following these tips, you’ll be begging to have your SO back in your arms.

Headline Contributors

An aknowledgement to those who wrote headline articles this year

Mysterious structure appears in Great Court: Joe Court Great Court Snipe on Holiday—Turrets Deployed: Kerem Ergene Trinmo Leaves Room: Muhammad Manji “Iron Paradise” in Time for May Ball: Megan Crane Friday Life—Temperatures Reach Record Low 45 °C: Muhammad Manji Shark Attack: Martha O’Neil Trinity to Introduce River Cam Toll: Kevin Wang Sniper to Shoot Santa: Kerem Ergene JCR Update—Renovation Pushed Back to 2067: Kerem Ergene and Megan Crane Trinity Prepares for Interview Week: Kevin Wang Trinity’s New Interview Process Announced: Kevin Wang Trinity Take Advantage of Transfer Window: Kerem Ergene

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Henley Smith Refuses to Step Down: Harry Metrebian Great Court Sniper Replaces Rifle with Bow and Arrow: Kerem Ergene Travisty Editors Murder Duck: Megan Crane Punter Falls into Cam—Eaten by Piranhas: Harry Metrebian Swan Protest Against Lent Bumps: Megan Crane Fellow’s Car Sent Down after Smoking in New Court: Kerem Ergene Postal Owls to Replace Pigeons: Alexander Chamberlain Trinity Reintroduce Blue-and-Gold Cam Card: Kerem Ergene “Best Picture” Winner Revealed in Gormley Sculpture Competition: Kevin Wang

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World Cup Predictions Harry Metrebian details his thoughts on the World Cup

Disclaimer: this article was written on 19 May, so it’s possible that some of the things predicted here can’t happen anymore (for example, a player might have become injured since the article was written).

18 June: The South Korean and Swedish teams, along with 45,000 spectators, watch on in bemusement as Gangnam Style is played instead of the South Korean national anthem. FIFA issues a statement apologising to South Korea and assuring them that this mistake will not be made again in their subsequent matches.

18 June: England’s World Cup campaign starts off in typical fashion with a 0-0 draw against Tunisia. The highlights include an inch-perfect pass from Jordan Henderson to the referee, and Jamie Vardy taking a corner that is excellently caught by a man in row QQ of the stands behind the Tunisia goal. At least the Trinity May Ball is happening as well.

23 June: The South Korean team is once again left speechless when the North Korean national anthem is played before their match against Mexico. Meanwhile, North Korean state TV reports that the North Korean team was left speechless when the South Korean national anthem was played before their match against Mexico.

24 June: England win a World Cup match for the first time since 2010 by defeating Panama 3-0.

Harry Kane scores twice, and Raheem Sterling scores a screamer almost identical to the goal he didn’t score against Italy four years ago. Manager Gareth Southgate celebrates just as he would have done had he scored that penalty he didn’t score against Germany in Euro 96.

25 June: Uruguay vs Russia is interrupted by a streaker wearing a Vladimir Putin mask, who runs up to Uruguay’s Luis Suárez, bites him on the shoulder, and then falls to the ground, clutching his teeth and writhing in apparent pain. Suárez kicks him in a sensitive area and is promptly sent off.

Russia go on to win the match 2-1 and qualify for the next round, while Uruguay are knocked out.

27 June: Finally, the correct South Korean national anthem is played, but the team loses 5-0 to Germany and fails to qualify for the second round. Manager Shin Tae-Yong blames this on the confusion surrounding the anthem. Everyone else blames this on the fact that they are ranked 61st in the world.

28 June: England lose 4-1 to Belgium in their final group stage match, but qualify for the round of 16 by finishing in second place in the group. Manchester United’s Romelu Lukaku scores a hattrick for Belgium, adding further weight to the theory that he only performs well against mediocre opposition.

1 July: Russia go into their second-round match against Spain as underdogs, but in the 80th minute they are still holding on with the score at 1-1. All of a sudden, a streaker wearing a Vladimir Putin mask runs onto the pitch, wins the ball near the halfway line and scores a brilliant Maradona-esque goal. Inexplicably, the goal is added to Russia’s score. The Spanish players protest to the referee, who books all of them for dissent; two players who were already on yellow cards are sent off. Russia win the match 3-1.

3 July: England go 1-0 down early on against Poland thanks to a Robert Lewandowski goal. Jesse Lingard equalises just before half-time, but Harry Kane claims that the ball brushed his shin on

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the way in, and later appeals to FIFA to try to get the goal credited to him. Inevitably, the match goes to penalties. Danny Welbeck steps up to take the fifth penalty for England, needing to score to keep his team in the competition. Unfortunately, he trips over the ball and somehow manages to send it backwards, and England’s World Cup is over.

4 July: FIFA reviews the video footage of the disputed England goal. They determine that it missed Harry Kane’s leg by a few millimetres, and therefore it remains credited to Lingard. However, as a consolation prize, FIFA decides that it will award all the goals scored in the quarter-finals to Kane.

6 July: The quarter-final between Russia and France is still goalless midway through the second half. In a shocking turn of events, a streaker wearing a Vladimir Putin mask runs onto the pitch with an AK-47. The game is halted and the man is arrested by security without resistance. However, the French team refuse to resume play, saying they are concerned for their safety. As a result, Russia progress automatically to the semi-finals.

7 July: It’s the game everyone has been waiting for: Portugal vs Argentina. Ronaldo vs Messi. The match to decide, once and for all, which of them is the best player in the world. Argentina take the lead after 20 minutes thanks to a free kick from Harry Kane, but Harry Kane equalises for Portugal just four minutes later. Argentina retake the lead early in the second half when Harry Kane heads in from a corner. Deep into injury time, Harry Kane adds a third goal to make sure of the result. After the game, commentators agree that Messi outperformed Ronaldo on all fronts, but Harry Kane claims that he is in fact better than both of them, and on this evidence it would be hard to disagree.

10 July: Russia face Brazil in the first semi-final, and the match doesn’t go well for them. Neymar scores two goals for Brazil and assists another. With only a few minutes left on the clock, Brazil are 5-0 up, and Russia’s adventure seems to be coming to an end. But then, just when everyone thought it might not happen again, a streaker wearing a Vladimir Putin mask runs onto the pitch.

This time, he takes off his mask to reveal that he actually is Vladimir Putin. Despite his superpowers, he cannot stop his country from crashing out of the tournament. The Kremlin later denies that the streaker was Putin and claims that his stunts throughout the tournament were staged by the British.

11 July: The second semi-final between Germany and Argentina, a rematch of the 2014 final, is relatively underwhelming – but basically anything is underwhelming compared to Vladimir Putin’s genitals. Goals from Lionel Messi and Sergio Aguero give Argentina a routine 2-0 win.

15 July: Philippe Coutinho puts Brazil ahead half an hour into the final. With five minutes to go, Lionel Messi thinks he has equalised with a spectacular overhead kick. He takes his shirt off and wheels away in celebration. Unfortunately for him, the video assistant referee disagrees and disallows the goal, saying that Gonzalo Higuain was interfering with play from an offside position.

Messi receives a yellow card for his celebration, followed by a second for his protests to the referee, and storms off the pitch and out of the stadium. Brazil win the World Cup for a record sixth time.

Messi wins the Golden Ball for the tournament’s best player, but he is sulking in his hotel room and does not collect the award. As the competition’s top scorer with an astonishing 12 goals, Harry Kane wins the Golden Boot. The video assistant referee breaks the world record for “most online abuse received in a 1 hour period”.

16 July: Normality resumes. Everyone tries to remember what the hell they did in their free time before the World Cup.

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World Cup water drinking game Muhammade Manji helps alleviate those ninety minutes pass faster Staying hydrated is one of the most important steps in leading a happy and successful life. Here at Travisty, we love staying hydrated. To help our lovely readers maintain a healthy level of hydration, we have come up with a fun water drinking game for the World Cup! The rules are outlines below:

Take a small sip whenever: •

A player is booked

Take a big gulp whenever: •

There is a mexican wave.

Finish a Vegware™ cup of the good stuff whenever: •

A player hits the woodwork.

Drink continuously while: •

A player protests to the referee after being sent off.

Sink a pint of your favourite colourless, non-sparkling beverage whenever: • • •

Ronaldo takes off his shirt to reveal his flawless muscular body.

England capitulate and go 3 goals down. Harry Kane cries.

Any Real Madrid player gets away with a dive.

Drink for three hours straight from the water dispenser at hall whenever: •

A pitch invader tackles the referee with both feet off the ground

Drink three gallons of water from the Cam using a (paper) straw whenever: •

Any team puts seven goals past the tournament favourites.

Drink the entire contents of the Great Court fountain whenever: •

Luis Suárez bites Vladimir Putin, or vice versa.

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Puzzling Puzzles cryptic crossword

Email ke297@cam.ac.uk with the crossword answers to be in with a shot of winning a prize Past winners: Issue 6, Cryptic Crossword: Liv Godwin

Issue 9, Cryptic Crossword: Robert Shearme Issue 9, Wordsearch: Andrew McFarthing

Issue 10, Cryptic Crossword: Angus Robinson Congratulations to all four of you for winning a laundry card! Your prize can be collected at your convenience from the Great Gate Porters‘ Lodge, upon presentation of your Cam Card.

Across 1 Fake injury sounds bubbly (9) 5 Prize found in hospital (5) 8 Even Maurice is curvy (3) 9 More than beginnings of opening verse elegantly

remixed (4) 10 Diva dancing round ring - stay clear! (5) 11 First and third Trinity stuck in churning Cam's sticky

substance (6) 12 Songwriter, a tenor at heart, to perform several times (7) 13 Decorate with commotion - on right now! (5) 14 RAYE performed yesterday in Spain (4) 15 Leading guitarist on schedule to tour (without

journalist) the valleys (7) 18 Attracts English, top of cummerbund in black or

white at balls (7) 21 Condiment - none found by the end of this week (4) 23 Obtain food paste with defaced rupee (5) 24 Rib or chin emitting radiation, confused with other

body parts (7) 26 Uneven boost about one in orchestra perhaps (6) 27 Arete nearly crossing river (5) 28 Expel from acoustic (4) 29 Man is a learner of foxtrot (3)

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Performance venue is restructured dome housing you, in short (5) Explosives made by sack factory (9)

Down 1 Hybrid of mariachi and electronic playing without

limitless pain (7) 2 Terpsichore, perhaps, intended to provide

entertainment (9) 3 Millenial treat: Cava sprayed over William's brother (7) 4 Making money dodgily near spilt gin (7) 5 A hat on girl's head, without backing (8) 6 Marketplace, one right in the centre of Indian city (5) 7 Dog meds put right bumpy ride (7) 16 Chief ship, RAYE perhaps (9) 17 Rice came mixed into dessert (8) 18 Ban from thousandth drink stall in self-important

sense (7) 19 Inspired work performed foremost in Chinese: very

loud music (7) 20 Fan of poll held in river (7) 22 Boys tersely conceal shellfish (7) 25 Classic hit, ancient that is to say (5)

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Baller Spotting

Your guide to the kinds of people you’ll find at the May Ball, presented by ex-Editor Kitty Pfeffer

The God-You’re-Gorgeous-and-Don’t-You-Know-Its

Has probably never been to a May Ball before, and is thusly still lingering under the misapprehension that everybody will be enjoyably baffled by the sight of a woman in a ball-gown. There are roughly two-thousand of you there. Believe me, the uncontrollable astonishment fades. Yes, take a selfie and get it out of your system. Stick it on facebook, somewhere between the endless memes. You will also see this person angrily jostling to be another ‘drunken reveller teetering home’ in the next day’s Daily Mail.

A Sea of Penguins

Is it a bird? Is it a waiter? No, it’s all your male friends looking like a bit of a twat.

Mr ‘Alternative’ Bow Tie

Ho-ho! Pushed the boat out there, didn’t you? Aren’t you proud? The male equivalent of Gorgeous Female. Equally under the illusion that their crested bow-tie (Hawk’s club? Field? Pitt? Tiddlywinks?) will stand out in the dark. From within the midst of three thousand people.

Sassy Woman in Jump Suit

Probably thinks she’s better than you. Possibly is. Nevertheless stands a much higher chance of getting accidentally trapped in the toilet, both legs down one trouser.

The Gatecrasher

For once the strange person crouching in the bushes is probably more scared of you then you are of them.

Also seen leading the bouncers on a merry dance around the backs.

The Overly Keen Wrist-Band Waver

Feeling stressed and confused after being asked one too many times to show their wristband, this poor ball-goer now simply resorts to walking everywhere arms akimbo.

The Cheese-Fiend

You see them for the first time, at the start of the ball, lurking outside the Old Kitchens. You pass them again, later in the night. They haven’t moved. Did they hate the main ent? Have they no friends? No. They’re waiting for the 1am cheese. And they will be there before you. (And they are me).

The Bad-Pacer

Decided to ‘get their money’s worth’ as soon as they saw champagne floating saucily in a nearby punt.

By 3am they’ve collapsed on the floor of the chill-out tent, and—I’m sure well meaning—bystanders are carefully seeing how many items from the chocolate fountain can be stacked on their face before they wake up.

Elbows. A Sea of Elbows.

Take arms against you sea of troubles—if you must go to the main stage for the big acts, make sure to guard your nipples. And/or testicles if you’re a boy, and there are lots of very short people around you.

The Recently Released from the Dance Tent

At first you may assume this person has fallen into the river. Then you get up close to those bulging, reddened eyes, and realise that they’re actually out of their mind on MD, and can’t stop frantically dancing like a figure out of a particularly gruesome fairytale.

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Every Private School-person You Ever Knew

Etonians will be meeting by the Dodgems at 1:00 AM, Old Harrovians at the Churro Stand at 1:30, Old Paulines (Men) within the Cloakroom at 2:00, Old Paulines (Women) at the farthest end of Hall at 2:15, Old North Londoners by any female portrait you can find at 3:00. If you haven’t yet received a bulletin with an allotted time, come and see me in the bar by 5 PM on Monday, latest.

Spectres from the Past

You may think that you shed those school rivalries when you passed, gleefully, out into this hallowed sphere. You may think that you abandoned old romances when you passed out, gleefully, in Cindies.

You would be wrong. Everyone you have every known, especially everyone you don’t like will be here.

Because the world doesn’t like you. You’ll wonder why they’ve never made the thing into a masquerade just to spare us all the embarassment. But Trinity doesn’t do themes. Instead they’ll watch you squirm in awkward scenes of half-passing recognition.

Disclaimer—The Ball is actually a wonderful time, and please don’t let any of the above put you off!

There’s a reason most of us go back year after year. (It’s the cheese). But also some of the other lovely things. Go. Look gorgeous. Be your best you. Have fun!

Mindful May Week Memo

After a year of hard work and a tough term of exams, it’s time for a well-deserved break. Sunny days, no more responsibilities, and big parties becomes the motto in May Week, and that’s absolutely fine—but it is important that we realise how lucky we are in these moments.

In normal circumstances, the university is criticised for some of its traditions, deemed elitist, such as wearing gowns. The sight of students in fancy dresses and white tie is often deemed an unnecessary display of riches, especially when it is contrasted with the high numbers of people living in poverty in the city.

This is not improved by the end of exam spraying of bubbly, or the displays of luxury which occur at May Balls. Rowdy students drinking cava straight from bottles or parading around at all hours dressed in expensive clothing can—rightly—seem ridiculous and offensive to anyone who does not have these privileges.

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A memo from our Ethics Editor, Mina Frost, on perspective in May Week It should not be news to anyone that Cambridge is a city of inequalities. On the one hand, we have the university, which has an incredible of resources and owns most of the city itself; on the other, we have the local population, who have to struggle amongst other things with rising house prices. Homelessness is also a very serious issue in Cambridge, as numbers of rough sleepers and homeless families have been on the rise in the last few years. The divide is often strongly felt by both sides, and amplified during May Week.

This is not meant to discourage celebrations, garden parties and May Balls; by all means enjoy the amazing experiences available to you, in the magical place that is Trinity College. This is in fact meant to remind everyone of how lucky we are to be here, in a very special university, with all our needs catered for. In the same spirit, remember that not everyone is in the same great

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position as we are—be mindful, caring and generous to others.

There are many ways in which the ‘gap’ can and should be closed, starting with avoiding displaying luxurious items, and helping the local community.

There are very effective charities and organisations acting in and around Cambridge, one of them being Jimmy’s, which provides shelter for the homeless.

Streetbite, an organisation run by students, prepares food and distributes it to rough sleepers, providing them with company.

Although it supports ten elected charities, RAG runs large student events with parts of the proceeds going to local organisations such as Jimmy’s. In all, it is easy to act and share the magical spirit of May Week— some time, a donation, a smile, or even a conversation is all it takes to make change happen.

The Economist may ball budget

Arjun Banwait presents his insight into another budget

Ticketing £ 7 532 Money is required to make the tickets super special; plus, paper is pretty damn expensive.

Security £ 20 162 Trinity May Ball is serious business: normal porters and a single measly sniper simply won’t do. This year the committee has decided on a team of mercenaries—Trinity will supposedly follow suit owing to an epidemic of tourists on the grass.

Personnel £ 33 452 Accommodating 2000 guests isn’t easy, accordingly the Trinity May Ball shall be staffed by the finest slightly-above-minimum-wage volunteers available in the nation.

Drinks £ 48 678 The finest single malt scotches, cask matured craft ales and enough fine wine to deplete the Bank of England’s penny reserves; a mere urine sample ex-post would deem you ineligible for any means-tested government services.

Food £ 57 200 Alongside indulgence in the drinks available, you may also want to partake in the consumption of food, a non-essential complement to any alcoholic beverage.

Preparation of venue £ 97 000 Marquees, professional lighting, health and safety regulations and other unnecessary technical requirements have to be paid for alongside the fun stuff. Just like with the bulk of Trinity’s finances, complying with laws is a must.

Entertainment £ 23 400 You’ve wanted it for years, the anticipation has been building ever since you heard whispers of their name and finally, Trinity is the venue for the One Direction reunion, with backing acts including the Singing Bin Man and that guy who says good morning really loudly on Green Street.

Fireworks £ 13 000 Renowned for its fireworks, Trinity is set to distinguish itself further this year having pre-emptively installed a stand for Catherine wheels on the backs which stands at 2.5 times the size of an average man and weighs 10 tonnes!

Total:

£ 300 424

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What’s on in Cambridge?

Mina Frost gives her worldly avice on how to (now somewhat legitmately!) procrastinate

That’s it, you’re done! Completed another year (unless you’re a grad or a medic, in which case I’m sorry)—now is the time to relax and finally enjoy Cambridge in its best light (the sun, that is, not neon street lamps). Here is a list of suggestions of things to do to fill the void left by exams: • SLEEP. Recover. Your body will thank me.

• Reconnect with friends who were sitting on the other side of the library—go outside, take a picnic, and enjoy talking without having to whisper!

• Call your parents and tell them you love them (also it’s Father’s Day today, you’re welcome).

• Enjoy the sunshine at the CUSU Garden Party! This will take place at the Sidney Sussex’s Tennis Court Lawn from 2 PM to 5 PM on Monday 18th June.

Weather Forecast Cambridge City Centre One word: humidity. Whether it’s from the cava spraying, the spontaneous dips in the Cam (note: the editorial team does not encourage this as the river is grim) or the tears of relief as exam period is over, expect even more dampness than during the incessant rains of Lent term. Some specific regions such as Life and Cindie’s have been hit hard by these brutal changes in temperature and have been subject to tropical heatwaves, especially on Wednesdays and Sundays.

The sunshine is back, at last, and hopefully here to stay! Although readers are encouraged to go and make the most of it, make sure you don’t make the rookie mistake of trying to tan like I did: instead, equip yourself with factor 50 sun cream. It’s easy to get overexcited when you step out of the library for the first time in weeks and re-discover the freedom of lying outside doing nothing—unless you want the bar staff to make fun of your new skin colour I’d advise enjoying the shade.

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A ries With Orion now having pulled up his trousers and fastened his belt, you’ll no longer feel like your life is full of massive dicks. Maybe use this as an opportunity to start afresh. Find someone new to obsess over—perhaps someone who values you as much as you value them. Chances like this don’t last long, and only come around once in a blue moon—get out there and take it. No pressure, but if you miss this, you’re in for another few months of loneliness. The clock’s ticking.

Taurus The stars tell a story of two young Quorgs, Sam and Frankie, both lost in another world, both with no way of getting home. They were abandonded ten million years ago on foreign planets, soon after birth, and left to fend for themselves in the wilderness. Sam wonders the rainforests of Quobet, while Frankie navigates the deserts of Quogam. Rumour has it, they walk in step, connected across the void that stretches between the planets. Once a month, they each shed a tear, knowing they will only ever meet when their planets collide in four million years, immediately incinerating all life on both planets. Their first meeting will be their last. Yeah, your love life might be dire, but—seriously—have some fucking perspective.

Gemini The retral recline of Venus will take you on a spiritual journey of introception.

You will find your name splashed across the reformed Grudgebridge page for something you didn’t do and that is non-problematic. Nonetheless, you will begin to cast yourself as the villain internally as you watch your social and professional strongholds tumble around you. Try as you might, through anonymous, unverified rumours you will feel the effects of an unfavourable ascension in Jupiter’s fourth plane.

Cover photo by Fauzan Saari on Unsplash

Horoscopes One-Liners

Professor Trelawney’s protégés read your stars

Cancer Though the popular Mercury will lie in your favour, you will find the negativity of other horoscopes around you will make you feel left out this May Week. Friends will leave you for better friends at May Balls. Party invitiations for you will be “lost in the pidge system”.

Despite Mercury’s astral twist you will realise your social climbing has failed you more than your parents did and you will be left teary with no one caring to wipe your eyes. You will realise you’ve been alone all along.

Leo Looking at the Moon through my trusty telescope, a family of six little green men wave back at me.

Maybe I should be taking less LSD. Meanwhile, Jupiter begins its recession into Aries today, activating your wealth sector. This summer’s the time to start that job. Just remember, even when you’re insanely rich, not to forget those who used to be around you.

Write them that Christmas Card. Or get your new butler to write to them instead.

Virgo While Neptune continues to spin around the Sun, your life will find a new source of excitement­ , but this excitement is verging on danger. Now’s the time to go out and enjoy yourself; just don’t take too many risks. No walking tightropes, no base-jumping, and certainly no leaving your bike unlocked for five minutes while you grab something you left in your room.

Libra As a kid, you were always terrified of that monster in your bedroom. Your parents would always tell you that there was no monster.

They would say that monsters don’t exist. They lied.

This Long Vacation, it will dawn on you that you are that monster. Good luck falling asleep.

Scorpio As Pluto continues to fade into obscurity, that sense of tiredness in your life will heighten. Maybe try going to sleep before 2 AM? Sagittarius My, my, the stars are not a pretty sight for you tonight.

You shall be plagued by hayfever for the next fortnight. Your eyes and ears shall itch relentlessly. Think of it as the stars punishing you. And you know exactly what they’re punishing you for.

Capricorn As your anus is getting larger, you will find that you have reached the limit of your college card credit.

As Uranus is getting larger, you will find that you have reached the limit of your college card credit.

Aquarius With the New Moon’s pull, the year draws to an end; nature blossoms and you come to see the same new life occurring in societies in which you’ve been involved.

The moon’s psychoscopic effects will twist these societies, and everything else you have loved in Cambridge. Through the moon’s antecedal cycle you will come to realise that one day you will return as an alumnus, jaded, from a by-gone era, and that the Cambridge you came to love no longer exists. Everything you cared about will have crumbled and turned to dust.

Pisces As Mars enters its fifth orbital return, you’ll be feeling the pangs of love. Many terms of your DoS giving you nothing but mild disinterest will leave you seeking something meaningful. If your astral plane interacts with Mars, you’ll find the love of your life at a May Ball, only for them to be swallowed up by the hubhub. Your Crushbridges will be futile, and you will spend your Long Vacation entirely alone and miserable.

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Our Biggest Regrets From Our Year In Cambridge

Weekly hot takes from Travisty’s writers

A lexander Chamberlain Always forgetting to submit my one-liners.

A ndrew Sellek Believing in Kerem's deadlines.

A rjun Banwait Not quitting when I was behind.

H arry Metrebian Making friends with Kerem.

Jovan Powar Making Kerem an Editor.

K erem Ergene Agreeing to edit with Megan.

Megan Crane Agreeing to edit with Kerem.

Mina Frost Not plugging more of my own events in my articles.

Muhammad M anji Being a snake.

Penny M arshall Coming back from Paris.

Toby Henley Smith Je ne regrette rien.

Get Involved Like what you’ve read?

Join the team next year.

Email ke297@cam.ac.uk amc240@cam.ac.uk

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