Issue 57 - October 2014
TRAVISTY
The Halloween Issue
Letter from the editor Let me preempt what you’re thinking – why has Travisty suddenly gone pumpkin crazy? Because, Trinitarians, Halloween is more pertinent to the Cambridge experience than you might think.
A night of disguises, misrepresentations and chaos, the lessons of Halloween can be applied to practically every aspect of the Cambridge experience. Probably.
A time to expect the unexpected, turn to page 5 for a look at how a certain freshers’ expectations contrasted with Cambridge reality. Or get behind the ‘mask’ that Cambridge students wear every day, as our very own Brandon Stanton talks to the Humans of Trinity Library™.
Further into Hallows Eve we delve as Travisty takes on ‘slutoween’ and our very own doomsday prepper Caitlin de Jode rivals Cambridge’s Centre for the Study of Existential Risk with her in depth guide to surviving a zombie apocalypse.
Most likely to scare, however, are the stories uncovered by your favourite bedder – and what better way to celebrate Halloween than with a bit of a shock?
One college to rule all Does Trinity have too many rules?
So, whether your dressing up, trick-ortreating or stock-piling for the incoming armageddon (read: essay crisis), Travisty wishes you a Happy Halloween. And readily assures you that this entire issue was not just a thematic ploy for us to put a pumpkin on the front cover.
P.3
Expectations v Reality Serena Patel on whether Cambridge lives up to the hype
The Weekly Rant Beth hates “slutoween”
Talia
xxx
P.8
#TrinProbs The struggle is real
P.9
P.5
The Nosy Bedder You can’t hide from her this halloween
P.7
Editor: Talia Zybutz Features Editor: James Taylor Creative Director: Thomas Hughes-Mclure
How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse In Trinity
P.10
Contributors: Beth Cloughton, James Taylor, Mariella Salazar, Serena Patel, Hesham Mashhour, Jack Harding, Thomas Hughes-Mclure, Caitlin de Jode, Elissa Foord
ONE COLLEGE TO RULE THEM ALL DOES TRINITY HAVE TOO MANY RULES?
AS A SPATE OF NEW RULES HIT THE ACCOMMODATION HANDBOOK, JAMES TAYLOR WONDERS IF ITS ALL TOO MUCH
Trinity accommodation is on the whole great, and I’m eternally grateful for having had spacious and central rooms for two years running now. I think some tweaking of the super-sensitive rules is only realistic, though. Bedders are a luxury that we should not take for granted, but Freshers’ privacy the morning after Wednesday night Cindies is sacrosanct, and with new rules preventing us from putting bins out on Mondays or twice in a row such privacy seems hard to come by. On top of this, Trinity has been engaged in all-out tactical warfare against blu-tack since its invention in 1970, and I don’t think I’m alone in seeing that a stalemate has been reached, and that it’s a war that cannot be won!
Last but not least, and deserving of mention even though I can kind of see where they’re coming from, is the newly imposed smoking ban. Is taking away a widely-appreciated freedom that the College has indulged from 1546 to 2014 really worth the marginal gains? Trinity’s academic success is matched only by its capacity to keep the sparks of tradition alive (excuse the pun), and, at the risk of undermining my entire argument so far, this one might actually be one to keep…
By James Taylor If you’re a Fresher, the challenge of adapting to life at Trinity can seem a little bit daunting upon first arrival. The admirable efforts of the TCSU aside, nothing can prepare you for the tedious strictures of College rule and regulation. Year by year, Trinity adds to the stockpile of its own eccentricities, and in the process, reduces its students to confused submission under the watchword of ‘tradition’. I’m not writing to bash tradition outright, though. Observing the weird and wonderful rituals of life at Trinity goes some way to providing a sense of cohesion and common student identity within College. That said, things can sometimes get a bit excessive.
The first thing I want to talk about is Trinity’s ever lengthening chains of its bureaucracy. Getting rooms booked for events without a look of disapproval or disbelief that you weren’t already ofay with the workings of the Winstanley’s audio-visual system (closer in complexity to the Hadron Collider at Cern than what you might expect of a compact college auditorium, I should add) is a mercy enjoyed only by a privileged few. Oh Trinity, one day Whewell go too far!
Secondly, I think the bedder-bin situation needs addressing. Don’t get me wrong,
V
TRAVISTY
Page 3
OUR VERY BRANDON STANTON, MARIELLA SALAZAR, UNCOVERS THE HUMANS OF TRINITY LIBRARY
HUMANS OF “ W h a t ’s t h e greatest piece of wisdom in this library?”
“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.” Then, he winked.
I walked over and he quickly shut down his Facebook tab. “Why did you do that?” “It’s all about keeping up appearances. The library can get very political. Which is great for an HSPS student. I’m not actually that stressed, unlike Kit. I suspect he is doing coursework. I’m not.”
“Honestly, I preferred the library when they were giving out doughnuts” “What do you feel most guilty about”
“I have a 4000 word HSPS essay due in an hour. I’ve sat here for two hours, and managed to produce 200 words.”
TRINITY LIBRARY Page 4
V
TRAVISTY
FRESHERS EXPECTATION
REALITY
We’re going to Hogwarts! I’m sorry but to any Harry Potter fan (this should be all of you), this is definitely Cambridge’s USP. And I definitely wasn’t expecting it to be a ruse hiding a secret wizard school for those who didn’t get their letters aged 11. That would be stupid.
The euphoria is yet to wear off. Cambridge really does feel like another world. Formals, gowns and even the ongoing Trinity-Johns feud, which bares an incredible likeness to the Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry. Now all we need is quidditch – although it
probably wouldn’t come under the remit of the field club.
Freshers will be amazing. Gonna make loads of friends, go clubbing every night with a choice of more than four places and obviously stay out past 3am.
Freshers week was amazing but I’m guessing completely different to anywhere else. No other students appear to experience a lavish five course
meal as a welcome, let alone night-time punting! In any case the belting of Let it Go and Lion King in a club full of drunken students, followed by a trip to Van of Life seems to be a pretty unique rite of passage. Even if Cindies does close at three.
As soon as that student loan hits your bank account you feel like the richest person in the world. With cheap student prices everyone’s getting a drink and it’s time to hit the shops!
We are poor. So, so poor. When that college bill arrives in your pigeonhole, you begin to realise your bank balance is no longer going to be as healthy as it was. More of your money needs to be spent feeding yourself and your newfound poverty fuels many trips to Sainsburys basics range.
Independence will be awesome. Being away from Except now you have to do your own washing. And home you no longer have to deal with the incessant cleaning. And ironing. And there are still bedders to nagging or numerous questions every time you go make sure we don’t wake up too late, and teachers out about where you’re going and who you’re with constantly checking on your progress, and you and when you’ll be back. can’t have overnight guests without signing them in – but we still feel totally independent.
You will be on top of all your work, have it ready well before the deadline and in your spare time, no doubt, be TCSU President, rise to the top of The Union and if you really try... become Editor of Travisty.
There is so much going on, as demonstrated by all the spam emails from the societies you joined during Chaplain’s Squash. As they say – in Cambridge, if you’re not busy, you’re doing it wrong. It seems, though, that everyone is doing it right and have all very quickly become accustomed to a lifestyle of minimal sleep, an irregular bedtime pattern and caffeine. HELP. Serena Patel
DAME GEORGINA SUMMER Dear GS,
Going
UP
Parma Ham And its even on sale in Sainsbury’s
Rocky Horror Picture Show A great movie and an ArcSoc party - Travisty’s going
New Hunger Games Okay, it’s not coming out till November. But we’re counting down the days.
Election fever Its been a dramatic week TCSU wise but we’re excited about our new President
Page 6
Since they've started the new hall menus I've been ruined. I'm eating lots of it and it's piling up around my waist. What do I do? Dear chubby chomper, There's an assumption in your email that I'd like to question. You talk about piling on the pounds like you're doing yourself some harm. A careful consideration of big-boned life in Cambridge will be sufficient to engender your abandonment of this outdated attitude. For example, we all know Cambridge is really cold. The issue with all the normal solutions, however, are that they're temporary; the second that fauxvintage hand-knitted sweater gets ravaged by a downpour (don't believe the lies, it is rainy on the plain), it loses its efficacy. You have to take it off. Dry it out. You know what you never have to take off? Your own skin! Stop going to Brora, and start using the insulation Mother Nature gave you. Dear GS,
I slept with this guy last week - till then I thought I was straight. But this mathmo is super hot and I really want to see if things work out. He's also really nice but I'm so unsure and confused. Dear distressed deviant, This is a classic red herring question. You're worried about your sexuality. Don't be; if it feels right, go for it, regardless of gender. That said, you would be making a huge mistake to pursue this guy, and it's my ethical duty to talk you out of it. I will do my best to change your life in the limited space I have left. Fancying a bloke is fine, fancying a mathmo is morally wrong. First, it's simply unnatural. Mathematicians are on average more intelligent and employable than the rest of us. We console ourselves with the fundamental law of nature
V
TRAVISTY
that at least they are weird and sexually unappealing. An expression of sexual attraction towards a mathmo, then, is a direct violation of natural law. Secondly, have you never read the Bible? I haven't, but I'm pretty sure there's a bit in the Old Testament where God smites someone for counting. This is incontrovertible evidence that if you pursue a mathmo, God will hate you. Thirdly, we turn to evolution. There is no statistical evidence that mathmos are worse parents than the rest of us, but don't be fooled. Given that it's maths graduates who compile these statistics, it's only reasonable to believe that they might tamper with them for personal gain. As such, the very absence of numerical evidence that mathmos are worse parents is itself evidence that mathmos are worse parents. By pursuing a mathematician, then, not only will you undermine the family unit our society is built upon, but, over centuries, will unknowingly aid the propagation of the 'mathmo gene', which could have dire consequences for future generations. Finally, I don't want my kids to end up studying maths. If you're kissing this mathematically-minded hottie out in the street and my child sees you, he'll believe that mathematicians are sexually appealing. This could cause him to believe that a pursuit of mathematics (and mathematicians) is desirable. Thus you will set into motion a vicious circle, which won't stop until everybody on the planet studies maths. Under no circumstances should you act on your desire. If you need help controlling your urges, I have a website (which should be up, provided those lefty scum haven't tampered with it again).
The traditional first year/second year swap was a riotous event as always and as your bedder I’m happy to help you get all those dirty secrets out in the air. The freshers are a good batch, all very accommodating including the one fresher who’s mother should be proud as she certainly never rejected a drink offered by a host. I know the wine at Bangkok City is expensive but this was certainly commitment to the swap. Beggars can’t be choosers but it might have been better to drink something that didn't come out of his body.
The same night saw one confused fresher be seduced by a knowing second year, lured away with dreams of a room right about the famous Pitt Club. Hey, a bit of girl-on-girl never hurt anyone. Just don't send snapchats out the next day with the conquest from the night before. She's only a baby.
One fresher is certainly making the rounds with second years, after a messy entrance at one rowdy pre-life party one of our favourite choir boys fell into the trap. The cat is out of the bag, tears and drunken insults aside, she's doing well for herself. Some flowers or air freshener might be appreciated by the inhabitants of the staircase though. Whewell’s could use some proper ventilation. Back to the other two heartbroken boys, I suggest kissing and making up, and hey maybe she’ll join you – others certainly have…
As per usual the Trincest is rife. Everyone is at it, brothers, sisters, mums and sons. Credit must be given where credit is due, if you're willing to make it out to Burrells that’s dedication to the cause.
Some of you may have been tempted to run for the hills after the end of Fresher’s week (and we can guarantee you that you shouldn't be returning to Lola Lo’s now that the blissful period has ended), but maybe don’t do it after a rowdy night in Cindies. Cambridge is tough but Coldham certainly doesn't seem anymore fun. Returning back to Trinity in the early hours after a questionable hitch hike can’t have been fun, but at least you still have your bedder to clean up after you.
Keep up the good work Trinity, when the week three blues hit I expect more debauchery and don’t worry – I will most certainly be watching.
Cambridge is getting cold. Really, really cold.
Fresher keenness It was fun while it lasted.
The Leaves #autumn
Rowers To the river. At 5 am. How?!
Going
WELL, WELL LITTLE FRESHERS I DID WARN YOU. WE’VE MANAGED TO GET THE YEAR OFF TO A CRACKING START…
Temperature
DOWN
THE NOSY BEDDER
Nosy bedder and marmite - you either love it or you hate it. Whatever your view, we (Travisty) love YOU and want our readers to be the happiest in the world. If you’d like to opt-out of nosy bedder (i.e. not be included in next issue’s column) just email your name to travistytrinity@gmail.com.
V
TRAVISTY
Page 7
ideal is set, blurring equality. To navigate through life without harassment based on clothing or appearance is persistently impossible, as the basis of gender is enough to justify certain acts in the minds of abusers. Halloween is a time to dress up as whatever you want, ‘slut’ or not, but I can’t understand why our upbringing in the 21st century has embedded the idea of dressing up as not dressing at all. Okay sometimes it is fun to flash a tit (is it?) but isn’t it more fun being able to mimic a Queen or a Trinity Tourist, poor peasants, instead? A source said that she was going to “braid the hair of my armpits into the hair of my head and go as Pipi Longstocking”, a creative and somewhat revolutionary costume idea.
THE WEEKLY RANT
BETH CLOUGHTON THINKS FETCH ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN AND NEITHER SHOULD ‘SLUTOWEEN’… Halloween is for rotting teeth, not rotting ideas. The now Westernised celebration has uprooted itself from Pagan traditions, which served as a mark of respect for the dead, and transformed into an evening of latex and notso-creative costumes – ‘sexy mouse’ – (WTF?) in order to continually renew the objectification of women.
Babes, Slutoween should not be accepted as a concept or an ideal, people need to be able to dress in any way they want to without having negative connotations projected onto them. There shouldn’t be an embodiment or oration of suppressive ‘standards’; neither s h o u l d t h e re b e a n a d h e re n c e t o a paradoxical ethic – dress sexy otherwise you’re a frigid bitch but not sexy otherwise you’re a slutty bitch. Everyday, including Halloween, humanity needs to employ total freedom and respect, so get your skimpiest fishnet-lace-leather combo outfit on – or not!
A female embracing her sexuality is encouraged in all aspects everyday life, so why are we bothered about women putting on underwear doused in fake blood in order to appropriate a patriarchal culture?? This is what we love to do – it is who we are, right?… OH WAIT A SECOND WAS I JUST IN SOME KIND OF DYSTOPIAN FANTASY? It isn’t encouraged, it isn’t accepted, #slutshaming, so why the hell on this night about the dead does this weird paradoxical realm in which we call the ‘developed world’ actively urge half the population into wearing a degrading outfit under the guise of costume but will still claim ‘she is asking for it’ when it is any other day???!!!??? The roots of hallows eve promoted an abstinence from meat during the celebrations yet the beautiful movement of ‘lad’ culture perpetuates the idea of women laying their bodies across the slabs of injustice like steak, waiting to be picked (btw she is still not asking for it). The right to choose what to wear is a universal freedom that should be exercised by all, though somehow an unspoken – in between the monotony of cat calling, –
Page 8
#scaryBeth
V
TRAVISTY
#TRINPROBS
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL YOU’VE HEARD OF FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS, BUT TRINITY TAKES IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL
WHEN YOU’RE NOT THAT SMART AND YOU WONDER WHY YOU’RE HERE WHEN SAINSBURY’S CLOSES ON SUNDAYS AT FIVE WHEN THERE’S YET ANOTHER TCSU SURVEY WHEN YOUR INTERNET GETS THROTTLED IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EPISODE OF UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE… WHO WILL WIN? WHEN YOU CAN’T CONVINCE CDE TO BACK ANY OF THESE TRIN PROBS IN THEIR MANIFESTO
WHEN FOOD IN HALL COSTS TEN TIMES MORE THAN SAINSBURY’S… BUT YOU’RE PAYING FOR THE HISTORICAL SETTING WHEN THERE IS ONLY ONE LIFT IN THE WHOLE OF TRINITY… IN WOLFSON WHEN YOU GO TO THE MAIL ROOM THREE TIMES IN A DAY AND YOUR PIGEON HOLE IS STILL EMPTY WHEN YOU FORGET TO RENEW YOUR LIBRARY BOOKS ONLINE WHEN YOU GET LOCKED OUT YOUR ROOM AND THE PORTERS JUDGE YOU
WHEN YOU GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS OF BEING A SELFSUFFICIENT ADULT WHEN THE FIRE ALARM GOES OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AND IT’S THE CHAPLAIN BURRELLS FIELD WHEN YOU ARRIVE AT BRUNCH AT 10:45 AND THERE’S ALREADY A QUEUE WHEN YOU APPLY TO TRINITY FOR MONEY FOR YOU TOTALLY ACADEMIC AND SERIOUSLY USEFUL HOLIDAY INTERRAILING AROUND EUROPE… AND ONLY GET £200
HOW TO SURVIVE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE (IN TRINITY) A CAITLIN DE JODE/TRAVISTY GUIDE Our lovely editor tried to pitch this to me as a seasonal ‘jokey’ article, what with Halloween approaching and all that. Little did she know that I am currently well-prepared for ANY type of apocalypse, and that my family have a personal emergency plan we can put into effect at any moment #mydadiscoolerthanyours. When Lord Rees and his mates are worried about something over at the Centre for the Study of Existential Risk, they come to me. So you lot should be pretty bloody grateful that I am sharing my expert knowledge on how to deal with the end of the world. And let’s say for the sake of spookiness that this end is brought about by Trinity being invaded by zombies – well, with a little bit of help from me, at least some of you should be fine.
2) Stock up.
Sainsbury’s basics range is your friend here. As it always is. Remember, nonperishable goods only – depending on the hardiness of the zombies (and how good you are at surviving) this could go on for a long time, so you want enough baked beans for the foreseeable future. Oh, and don’t forget the can opener. Amateurs.
3) Act dumb.
Remember, zombies like to eat brains, and we have the biggest brains there are, what with the whole ‘top of the Tompkins Table again bitchesssss’ thing. So act dumb, pretend you do Geography, or Land Ec, and hopefully you’ll be fine.
1) Bulk up.
Be prepared - play a sport that provides you with the ideal combination of training and weapons. Although the aggressive mindset of the likes of rugby and netball (you try it) will help you get in the zone, when it comes to facing a rampaging horde of zombies their lack of pointy sticks puts them at a real disadvantage. Likewise, the university shooting club give you a gun, but no mental preparation for combat. Hockey is much better – you develop both hostility and general fitness, are provided with protective equipment AND they give you a big stick. Zombies, come at.
Page 10
V
TRAVISTY
WHERE (NOT) TO HIDE STRATEGISE Trinity is a big place, with lots of people. Unfortunately that means there are loads of mathmos just waiting for zombies to eat their brains, and join their army. That’s why you have to pick the spot for your fortress very carefully.
BURRELLS. Think about it – high buildings, running water (well, that pond thing) plus it’s remote. Very remote. You could rebuild a utopian Trinity out of the ashes of our zombie-ravaged civilisation, and no one would ever slag you off for living soooo far away.
GREAT COURT. You know how in end-of-the-world films the Statue of Liberty always gets wrecked/pulled over/frozen? Well the fountain is just like our Lady Liberty. As in, it’ll be the first thing to go. Stay away at all costs.
WHEWELLS. Imagine the scene – you’ve been hiding at the top of L staircase for a day or two now, and things are getting desperate. Ok, peeing in the sink is definitely acceptable, but all those tinned beans are doing bad things to your bowels. You venture downstairs to the dungeons, but as you sit on the toilet, a host of the undead come climbing out of the shower and eat your brain. Nope.
? V
TRAVISTY
PEACE HOSTEL. The zombies would never find Pearce. I can’t even find Pearce. Seriously, where the hell is it? Page 11
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE NEW COURT RENOVATIONS This time a year ago, they were just a rumour. A few months ago they were an inconvenient truth for all involved in the second year room ballot. Now the New Court renovations are a fact of life. But in the course of an undercover investigation for Travisty, Elissa Foord has uncovered a shocking truth behind the College’s decision to undertake this building project.
During my time undercover I could never have predicted THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED - THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED to the very highest level of authority THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED – THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED - THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED seven conspirators THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED – THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED - THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED voices of dissent THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED – THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED - THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED guilty of thought crime THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED – THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED - THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED the Official Secrets Act THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED - THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED since 1984 THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED – THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED - THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED the Party
THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED – THIS MATERIAL HAS
BEEN CENSORED - THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED several bodies beneath THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED – THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED - THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED cover-up, or has Professor THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED has termed it, ‘damage control’ THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED - THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED a horde of THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED buried beneath the THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED prompted further shock and speculation as to the College’s true intentions THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED Big Brother required at the time THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED – THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED - THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED Burrell’s Field THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN Room 101 THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED – THIS MATERIAL The Tompkins Table
THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED The building work will provide
cover for a large scale excavation to reach THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED There is no certainty as to who exactly knew about THIS MATERIAL HAS BEEN CENSORED anybody with any more information should contact THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN TERMINATED@cam.ac.uk