TRAVISTY #19
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Halloween Edition
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Letter from the Editors
Simon Warrener, Lidija Beric, Timour Antonov, and Shavindra Jayasekera
S P O O K
introduce Trinity’s favourite newspaper
o you’ve decided to pick up Travisty again. Thank-you, it is always nice to know that someone actually reads this. Otherwise it’s just the ghosts wandering about Hall, and I’m not sure if they can read.
itch black by 5, that’s the true terror of the season. Gone are your hopes of a nice and easy stroll into Great Court to get that instagram pic. Instead the sights are obscured beneath an inpenetrable gloom and you can’t see your friends across the court. They could be anyone, anything, and it is the season for monsters to be about. r, perhaps, it’s the pumpkins. They tend to be quite scary, sitting there motionless, staring into the void and refusing even to flinch. Forever. Who knows how much of the void they have absorbed back into them. And we are just making more and more of them. bviously there is always bonfire night to look forward to as well, as the flames roar at the sky and the fireworks shout them back down. It’s a thing of majesty really, well it would be if we weren’t so nervewracked from Halloween, shuddering at every blast.
eeping with our tradition of being a kind and helpful publication we are providing a nice selection of articles to keep you calm during this horrifying time. It’s important not to get too scared, so we hope you enjoy.
The Four Socialites Simon Warrener Simon was uaable to get one of his underlings to do the dirty work, and so had to break into the college’s offices himself.
Shavindra Jayekesera
Timour A ntanov Timour has not been seen since the May Ball.
Lidija Beric Lidija resumes her career in investigative reporting. However, she is still not able to get to the bottom of the story of her lifetime.
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Shavindra remains an ethical man, reaching new heights in his mission to ensure that nothing unsuitable ever gets published in Travisty. As they say, the only winning move is not to play.
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In This Issue
Meet the creative team behind this week’s issue 2
Letter from the Editors Travisty Editors
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This Issue’s Contributors Travisty Editors
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Alcohol Being Censored Simon Warrener
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Things Scarier than Halloween Helena DG Cocktial of the Week
Simon Warrener
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Trinity to be Dissolved
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Cindies to Ban Mathmos Caption Contest
Arun Prabhakar Andrew NG
Trinity Struck by Drought Alexander Chamberlain
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Trinity Investigates
Lidija Beric Travisty Writers
11 Trinity May Ball Fireworks Yuriy Tumarkin 12 Horoscopes
A lexander Chamberlain Does not read his emails from the College
A ndrew NG Had a bad experience with some bouncers
A run Prabhakar Snuck through the picket line
Travisty Editors
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10 One Liners
Agnijo Banerjee Does not give us another cryptic crossword
Muhammad Manji
Write for Travisty
Helena DG Is easily scared
Muhammad M anji Draws lines across the sky
Yuriy Tumarkin Is going to be disappointed with bonfire night
Come to Writers’ Group!
8:00 pm Mondays in the JCR Email: smw86@cam.ac.uk
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All References to Alcohol to be Censored within College Simon Warrener is the messenger Dear Students,
We are writing to bring your attention to changes to the College ordinances, which will be effective immediately. These changes are to restore Trinity’s place within the Tompkins table.
Ordinance clause 4.5 Amended as follows: If any event is to take place in a student room, and if more than ten two people will be present, an application from must be completed then signed by the student’s Tutor, the Dean, the Head Porter, and the Vice-Master. This is to ensure the peace and tranquillity of the high-quality accommodation within the College, for we have heard disturbing reports of students partying, and having unlicensed meetups with friends, outside of acceptable socialising venues. This change will create an environment that is more conductive to work and will reduce inefficient socialising practises.
Ordinance clause 10.13 Amended as follows: A student is required to wear a gown if called to appear before the Dean at all times while you are in residence at the university. Following consultation with behavioural experts, we have added this rule to ensure that students are reminded at all times of their academic duty to the college. We do not envisage that students will leave the College grounds and so any concerns you have about this are likely irrelevant.
Ordinance clause 20 Revoked: The College provides a Bar in I staircase in Great Court. This functions as a coffee shop throughout the day but then turns into a more traditional bar in the evening. The bar offers a wide selection of alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks as well as a variety of snacks and paninis throughout the time that it is open. Working in the bar has been shown to decrease efficiency by approximately 15%, so we decided it would be simpler to close the bar. Work will be underway shortly to finish turning it into an extension of the library.
New Ordinance clause 40 Added: All references to alcohol, alcoholic drinks, inebriation, hangovers, and any similar topics within any document or event that is published/held within college must be censored. Exceptions may be granted for students studying the Natural Sciences Tripos, provided the student agrees to have their blood alcohol levels monitored for the whole duration that the exception is granted. Previous College restrictions on a*****l consumption have proven to be ineffective, so we will eradicate all knowledge of the substance at the conceptual level – except where it such knowledge is necessary to ensure the performance of our students. We hope you understand why we felt it necessary to take these actions, and we thank you for your co-operation.
Signed: The College of the Holy and Undivided Trinity within the Town and University of Cambridge of King Henry the Eighth’s Foundation.
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Cambridge Things Scarier than Halloween Helena is repsonsible for Project Fear 1. The reappearance of the ‘list’ article. 2. The lack of originality when it comes to Halloween costumes. No friendship group is complete without a devil, vampire, and a rogue cat. 3. Halloween bop! What’s scarier than a (very scary) cat costume? Your credit card expenditure after the drink tokens run out. 4. The fact that it’s not even midway through term and content is already being recycled. 5. The fact that said recycled content is not even GOOD content. Why plagiarise yourself, when you can just play yourself? 6. The automated link to your CamCors report at the end of term. 7. The punctuation in some of these articles! (No shade) Healthy tip: punctuation is made easier when you only use mono-clausal sentences. 8. Getting ghosted by your supo partners - hey, at least it’s festive … right? 9. The percentage of trinmos that are women. 10. Hidden social critique amidst light hearted humour ;) 11. Not being able to reach the word count with the deadline in sight. Or alternatively, still not being able to reach an adequate ‘list-like’ number.
Ingredients C******l of the Week
B****y M**y kindly provided to you by the book of martyrs
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Tomato juice v***a tabasco sauce one mary
Method 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.
add v***a and tomato juice to glass season to taste with tabasco sauce summon mary siphon 1 p**t of blood blend blood into mix Bottoms up
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Trinity to be Dissolved as People Hold Up Placard Arun Prabhakar reports some grave news Friends, Romans, Cantabmen. I bring you grave tidings.
Trinity College has been forced to dissolve itself under a tide of vitriolic protests. It all started with our decision to withdraw from the University pensions scheme, and ended with an entire ten protestors holding up a placard in front of Great Gate. What next? Rivers of blood and plagues of locusts? An outbreak of cannibalism, followed by an invasion of Lego® soldiers from Robinson? Evidently the college had this and worse coming, as Dame Sally Davies yesterday announced its dissolution. She described this abrupt cutting short of her tenure as “a bit of a shame, but heighho. We’ve been left no choice.”
But, dear reader, do not get me wrong. I durst not question this decision. Indeed, yours sincerely caught a first-hand glimpse of the protestors last year, and can confirm they are truly fearsome creatures. I was walking out of Angel Court, with a spring in my step, and then I saw them. Nine, ten,… nay, twelve units blocking access to the ribbon that blocks access to Trinity. They were singing. Some of them were dancing. They were probably doing yoga, too. And, worst of all - they had a sign! Dissolve This College, it said. That day, last Easter term, was the day Trinity’s fate was set in stone. I, for one, thought I might as well pack up and move to Sidgwick. Their reappearance on the day of the new Master’s installation only added insult to already very grave injury. They were singing again: singing words which I’m sure, if anyone in the college had actually heard them, would have struck fear into our hearts. When Travisty asked the porters to comment on the ‘lockdown’ of the college, one perfectly captured the gravity of the situation, saying “I can deal with the swarms of toursits; I can handle d***k students regurgitating their Gardenia’s; but these protestors… they scare me.” The head porter simply said “Trinity can never recover from this,” and then broke down into a blubbering wreck. Nobody knows who these protestors are, or where they came from (perhaps Newnham?). What we do know is that there is no way Trinity College can simply ignore them and get on with business as usual. Besides their fearsome people power is the sheer righteousness of their cause: how dare Trinity not give our (deliciously large) assets to other colleges? The sheer impudence! It’s no wonder we’ve decided to curl up into a ball, roll over, and die. Travisty failed to get a comment from our college’s founder, King Henry VIII, but our research department imagines he would have said something like: “well, we’ve had a decent run, and now it’s time to call it a day. We can’t just go on living for ever, refusing to leave Cambridge.” Now our only comfort is the imminent procession of glum-faced mathmos migrating out of Burrell’s, hunched over, carrying whiteboards on backs, off to their final resting place in St. John’s where they can sing ‘always look on the bright side of life’.
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Cindies to Ban Mathmos from Entering Andrew talks about Cambridge’s favourite not-closed nightclub Three were left comatose and dozens more catatonic after a group of mathmos entered Cambridge students’ favourite nightclub on Halloween. ‘Initially we thought they were some people in disguise’, recalls one brave survivor. ‘We even laughed when they pulled out notes and started discussing Banach spaces. We thought they were just properly taking the mick. A little while later one of my friends screamed and fainted.’ Stopping to collect himself, he manages to continue in barely a whisper, ‘They were dancing. At that point we realised it wasn’t a mathmo costume.’ Further eyewitness reports confirm that all hell broke loose when the news spread that there were mathmos in the building. Most stampeded for the exit, leaving behind their friends who were too stunned to move. Paramedics arrived to take the injured to Addenbrooke’s, where the three comatose students are still being treated. Staff have declined a request for comments from Travisty, though it is rumored that the patients remain in critical condition. In response, Cindies have asked that all CamCards state the subject of the student, and it will deny entry to those who read mathematics. At the official press briefing, the Cindies spokesperson claimed ‘Cindies has in past allowed students doing all subjects to enjoy our facilities, but in light of recent events we have no choice but to enforce the proposed rule. We deeply regret this and extend our sincerest apologies to the mathematicians of Cambridge.’ Neighbourhood watchdogs welcomed the change, criticizing the University for allowing this to happen and not doing enough to prevent further incidents. Already, cries of ‘Go back to where you came from’ are plaguing mathmos daily. When asked about how they felt about this, the murmured consensus seems to be that it isn’t worth braving the treacherous route back to the CMS, so most would rather endure the abuse. Trinity has also quietly removed the apple tree Newton didn’t sit under to avoid angering the general population, though this of course hasn’t escaped the eagle eyes of Travisty’s reporters. The porters report that tourist numbers have sharply fallen since. The University of Cambridge has issued a series of guidelines on how mathmos should cope in these trying times, which boils down to ‘think about the extra problem sheets so that you won’t have any energy left to pay attention to your surroundings’. Some radical students have proposed completing their studies in O*ford in light of the authorities’ limp response. Travisty urges all involved not to be complete idiots about this. Stephen King has already been in contact to buy the rights to the story.
Caption Contest
Email smw86@cam.ac.uk by 23:59 Sunday 24th November with your best caption for this photo to be in with a chance of winning. The prize for the best caption is a slice of fudge and a signed copy of this week’s Issue, so best of luck to you Winners will be featured in the next issue. Previous Winner: Thomas Pink “Elusive panda caught on tape”
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Trinity Struck by Drought Alexander Chamberlain wrings out the truth behind the latest extreme weather At 11pm on Monday 14th October, Trinity shut off its water supply to College, except for its overseas territories of Burrell’s Field and Pearce Hostel. The following are authentic accounts recorded by Travisty investigators during, and in the wake of, the water shortage: “I thought I was going to die of thirst,” one student commented. “My throat got all dry and I developed a cough. Luckily, I had the idea to scrape the ice from the inside of my freezer, warm it up and use it as drinking water. I guess that’s one thing I can thank my engineering degree for.”
A humanities student, known around College for frequenting the institution the Cambridge Union, prepared an elaborate argument to make his case known: “Ask any biologist, and they will tell you that water is essential to all life as we know it. By denying us water, Trinity are making a statement that they don’t respect our right to life. From here, it’s a slippery slope. It won’t be long before food, too, is cut off, along with laundry cards, electricity, and, dare I say it, Week 5 chocolates. Members of this proud and illustrious College, will you stand by and watch passively as our home is driven into the ground? As it plummets down the Tompkins and falls into disrepair? Or will you fight, take up pens, books and example sheets and march with me? For TRINITY!” One mathmo complained under-his-breath that he wouldn’t be able to wash his clothes due to the ban — he was quickly told that he presented a lousy excuse and had no intention of washing his clothes whether water ran or not. He conceded that this statement was, in fact, true.
A rower expressed deep concern with the shortage: “Does that mean Trinity won’t be able to fill the Cam with water? Where will we row?”
Others were hopeful that they could profit from the temporary shortage: “We’re hoping to see record numbers!” explained the President of W**eSoc. “Once they come along, they’ll see what a superior beverage we serve! Any who cares that it’s a little toxic? Here, we all have braincells to spare.” Some busied themselves hypothesising the reason for the leak in the first place.
“I heard it was a green vegetable broke through the pipe.” Travisty swiftly informed this particular informant not to pursue a career in comedy and to stop wasting the time of an esteemed reporter.
“I heard Trinity was digging for oil,” another supposed, “that’s where they get all their money from. The whole o’ Cambridge is sitting on one huge oil reserve. That’s why they’re investing in all those oil companies.” Travisty investigated this claim by venturing down into the cellars deep below Great Court but found no black gold. “I heard it was those USS strikers. Caused the leak to topple Trinity.” Finally, one student injected some sense into the discussion.
A BioNatSci informed us that there was no need for panic: “There was nothing to be concered about. It is well known that the survival limits of the average Trinitarian are: 3 weeks without food, 3 days without water, 3 minutes without air and 3 seconds without a feeling of collegiate superiority.”
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‘Slight Mishap’, President of the TrintErrorSoc comes under Scrutiny after a Curiously Cinnamon Fresher Disappearance Lidija investigates Trinity’s scariest society
Just the other day, President of the TrintErrorSoc (who, for reasons unknowable, insisted on remaining anonymous, threatening to have her fellow Travisty editors roasted on spits with poison toffee apples in their mouths should they fail to comply) could be seen being chased by numerous media representatives, amongst which the prestigious Tab was said to have been present as well as the rather less reputable Varsity. A reaction against the numerous reports of freshers going missing directly after Chaplain’s Squash, having taken a free spoonful of a strange powder purported by the stand’s masked owner to be a new and improved version of the cinnamon challenge. Suspicion fell on said individual after some noticed a rather heady cinnamon spiciness emanating from her room. Travisty being Travisty, had the foresight to ambush her atop her turret at midnight on the 31st October, an average day on which one would never suspect to be surprised by a torrent of thirsty-looking, orange-eyed, frenzied journalists worrying first that they might be late for the bop and second that their next newspaper might be devoid of a scurrilous scandal story and the result would be yet another closure of the best student newspa-
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per ever to go to print (the real best ones never quite made it out from the subterranean goldmines of underground student activity- something about censorship codes…)
buy yours now for only twice the price of the gown you’ve already purchased!) And the porters now have the right to launch nuclear activity in-college if they think they see anything suspicious.
We would thus like to take this opportunity to issue a formal public warning; it is very likely that a previously known threat to the solidarity of Trinity’s otherwise quite harmless community has made an epically terrifying return. Freshers, be sure to have criminal-deterrent prison bars installed in place of your doors which, even locked, are no obstacle to the dark forces of this undercover society. Gowns are now to be issued with body-protective armour (in the trendy Trinity classic hue of dark blue-
We have yet to hear from other societies regarding the potential closure of all extra-curricular college life in (the rather murky) light of the disappearances. However, TrinPol Society has taken the initiative, secretly now the TrinPol(ice) Agency. Freshers who had lost their friends to the activities of TrintErrorSoc decided to reinvent what was previously a society hosting a range of political speakers to the far more controversial witch hunters scheme-also currently on the
‘A slight mishap’ was the only comment the reporters could extract from this rather demonic looking VIP (clearly a feral member of the Travisty clan), but we are pleased to inform you that the plan of ambush was executed with almost perfect precision. Despite a rather hefty injury count on our side (there are now numerous vacancies up for grabs in the esteemed Travisty writers’ forum) conclusive evidence was indeed found that the TrintErrorSoc may be on track once more to begin terrorizing the Trinity college community.
We suspect that the society was simply awarded too much funding from the ACC clubs association. That was indeed the root cause of the gunpowder plot reported in an epic journalistic ‘mishap’ to have been executed (in both senses of the word) by a group of Johnian mischief makers but really a radical double crossing as Trinity sought to maintain its place atop the Pumpkins Table (ranked by how many pumpkins each college can purchase with its net worth-crucial for the annual College Gardening Competition at Halloween- how many ghosts can you get in your garden?).
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lookout for recruits (free witch hat included, and upgrade your membership to add warts!).
We hope that with the new safety measures in place, including the numerous WANTED posters identifying the anonymous president and organising a cinnamon trail to help lure her out of her new hermit habits, the college should be safe from another mass fresher disappearance. At least, until Bonfire Night that is. UPDATE: all the freshers reported to have gone missing have now been relocated. Mostly in good health, they all appear however to have completely lost their minds; turning up at Trinity Oxford and now insisting that they want to stay there. If anyone has any insight into this strange new Wanting-to-go-to-Oxford syndrome, please get in
One Liners
touch with the President of TrintErrorSoc who is lamentScariest thing about Trinity ing the loss of faithful society members. She is certain that Alexander Chamberlain they would return to their Burrell’s field walk the Avenue at night. senses/to Trinity if they only knew that as the only ones to Andrew Ng actually complete the primary stage of initiation, they were Getting executed if you don’t get a First. well on track to being the first Arun Prabhakar officially admitted members of this entrepreneurial upstart Rumours of the existence of ‘other colleges’. society seeking to make an Helena DG explosive mark on Trinity hisHow complicated it is to book a room for a tory, of which they could have society event. the honour of being (blown) (a) part). Lidija Beric Consumer warning: Article Hall running out of forks sponsored by TrintErrorSoc (Ed: apparently to try boost their kuMuhammad Manji dos; if only they really were that Porters never seem to get older. scary- public warning…LOL). Simon Warrener The ‘facts’ told by the tour and punt guides. Yuriy Tumarkin The ghost of Isaac Newton dropping apples on people’s heads.
Missed an Issue?
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Trinity May Ball Considers Nuclear Alternatives as
Sainsbury’s Stops Selling Fireworks Yuriy Tumarkin makes a blast in interviews
In the wake of press reports that Sainsbury’s will no longer be selling fireworks, the Trinity May Ball committee has issued an official statement, which reads: “In light of the recent announcement by Sainsbury’s, we want to reassure the college that we are working around the clock to deliver the May Ball in an orderly and timely fashion. We are working closely with Sainsbury’s to find a solution, and we are confident a deal will be soon agreed, as neither side wants a No Fireworks May Ball. At the same time we are committed to ensure that the quality of the May Ball is as high as ever, and so we have stepped up our No Fireworks preparations, and in particular we are considering possible alternatives, should the negotiations with Sainsbury’s fall through.”
There has been a lot of talk around college as to what these alternatives could possibly be, with rumours spreading that the main option being considered is the use of nuclear missiles as a substitute for the pyrotechnics. We have interviewed a number of high-ranking individuals in the college to find out what their opinions on this scenario are. Firstly, of course, was Dame Sally herself, who was very much opposed to the idea. Speaking from her experience as Chief Medical Officer, she said “There is no such thing as a safe level of nuclear weapons use. Any exposure increases the risk of cancer, and is hence undesirable.”
The Dean was unhappy but not as concerned as the Master, saying she does not see any obviously insurmountable problems with the idea straight-away, provided of course the May Ball also contained non-violent alternatives that the students could enjoy without any peer-pressure to take part in the nuclear display. The Head Porter said his main concern in the matter was fire safety, but he thinks it should be possible to conduct the launches in a way that meets the fire safety requirements. In particular, he says he will ensure the launchers are unplugged from the grid after use, and he will order a sufficient number of fire doors, which will be installed to surround the launch site.
We have also talked to the headteacher of a local sixth-form, who was very pleased to hear these rumours. “You know, every year, the May balls take place during the exam period. We keep telling our students of the importance of getting enough rest before their exams, only for them to then not be able to fall asleep because of these bloody fireworks. You know how much of a disadvantage this is to our students compared to the rest of the country? This is a ridiculous problem that has been ignored for far too long, and I’m very glad something is finally being done about it. A nuclear missile detonation will be heard throughout half of the country, and will finally level the playing field” (alongside all of East Anglia). Finally, the ten people that show up every week outside Great Gate with their “Dissolve Trinity!” signs, reacted, in an unexpected turn of events, with shouts of “Dissolve Trinity!” and threats to boycott the college.
We are still awaiting official confirmation from the May Ball committee that they are in fact considering the use of nuclear missiles, but in the meantime we warn our readers to brace for this next big controversy, which is setting out to be a fascinating fight between the powers that be, with nothing less at stake than the success of the May Ball, as well as the continued existence of a large chunk of our country.
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Horoscopes A ries
Muhammad Manji has visions of the future
Leo
You’ve always admired Medusa, and her ability to turn those who annoy her into stone. Throwing rocks at people doesn’t seem quite as badass. Especially when they start throwing them back with remarkable accuracy. Stone people aren’t supposed to do that. That headache isn’t going to go away for a few days. I suppose Greek heroes are legends for a reason.
You live for the chaos. Last week you buttered your toast BEFORE putting it in the toaster. Just to see what would happen. So unpredictable. This week you’re going to wear your underwear backwards and go to lectures and see if anyone notices. A common man’s hero.
Taurus
In space, nobody can hear you scream. Which is ideal, because your scream is really loud and annoying. Like it’s seriously grating, I’m not exaggerating. Nobody goes to watch horror films with you anymore, or offers to go on rollercoasters with you. Space may be an ideal holiday destination, somewhere you can spend quality time with your friends while screaming endlessly into the void.
You’ve always found vampires slightly sexy. Maybe you’ve been watching Twilight a bit too much. Maybe having your blood drained out of you in a whirlwind of pain and pleasure strikes you as a good way to go. In any case, weekly NHS blood tests aren’t cutting it anymore. Have you tried leeches?
Gemini
Sometimes it’s nice to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. But then again the bigger picture is definitely worth more, and you can’t steal it if you’re standing so far away. Where do you draw the line between age old wisdom and art thievery.
Cancer
You feel energised, like the world is at your fingertips, like you have electricity running through your veins. Nothing can stop you now. Except the acute caffeine poisoning you seem to be suffering from. Suddenly you don’t feel so good.
Cover Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
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Virgo
Libra
Fight eggs with eggs, that’s what I say. When trick or treaters come to my door I meet them with an egg machine gun. They stand no chance. What’s the trick, I hear you ask? The eggs are freshly boiled.
Scorpio
Something will surprise you today. No I can’t tell you what it is because that would ruin the surprise. No I can’t tell you how I know about it either. But it’s not a good surprise. Watch out for pianos overhead.
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Sagittarius
Today is a day of discovery. Did you know some species of ants have wings? Does that make them flies? Why are flies called flies? Is anything that flies a fly? Is any fly a thing that flies? Would a fly fly if a fly flew? There are so many things in the world that don’t make sense.
Capricorn
Ghosts don’t exist right? You hear a wailing voice coming from your basement every night, punctuated by shrieking and the rattling of chains. Maybe the existence of ghosts would be a better reality than your landlord’s side business. You just wish he would stop renting it out for horror film nights.
Aquarius
A few years ago you used to be scared of the monster under your bed. Now you long for it, for the warmth and attention it provided. You wish you had cherished it more while you had the chance. Even now you sleep with your toes out of the blanket, praying for the demons of the night to hold you while you sleep.
Pisces
When life gives you lemons, paint them green and sell them as limes. Despite being half the size, limes actually have a higher average market price than lemons. You may not be the most ethical businessman in the world, but capitalism would be proud.
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