TRAVISTY #13
Halloween edition
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Letter from the Editors
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Alexander Chamberlain and Kerem Ergene introduce Trinity’s premier newspaper
runch: the perfect way to end a week (a normal week that is, not Cambridge’s bizarre system). It’s almost halfway through term and Halloween fast approaches. Here at Travisty, as in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, we tried using a Boggart to reveal our greatest fears. As expected, we were greeted with piles of compulsory reading, lists of unwritten essays, and stacks of unsolved problem sheets. Turn to the One-Liners (Page 11) for more.
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ften, people work too hard and forget to take care of themselves. Give yourself some respite from work and read the wonder that is Trinity’s satirical newspaper. In this issue, our fast expanding group of writers have prepared an issue full of tricks, treats and treasure to feast your eyes upon. Turn to the headlines (Pages 4–6) to update yourself on all the latest world affairs, including Harry’s account of Porters taking their authority a little too far. If you’re after a scare, read about Manji’s supernatural encounter (Page 7), Shavindra’s run in with an elusive species (Page 9), and Olivia’s take on Trinity’s own not-so-holy trinity (Page 15). If fake factual accounts are more your thing, then delve into Lidija’s unearthing of the St John’s gunpowder plot mystery (Pages 16–17), or Josh’s investigations into the latest monetary scandal (Page 14). Whatever your tastes, there will be something to suit you.
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ptimism often fades to realism at this point in term, but keep your spirits high. Everything might seem like too much, but we guarantee you’ll get through it. The skills you are developing now, both in and out of your subject, will serve you well for the rest of your life. Keep working hard, stay positive and be there for each other. Enjoy the issue!
Unlucky Issue #13 Eerily, this is the thirteenth issue of the latest run of Travisty, which is what you get if you switch the digits of 31, the date on which Halloween falls. Coincidence? I think not. Let’s hope that no one reading this suffers from triskaidekaphobia, or fear of the number thirteen. Superstition about the number has come from various sources and means many different things: thirteen people present at the last supper; thirteen steps up to the gallows; or even thirteen letters in your name meaning that you are cursed—sorry, Muhammad Manji. Perhaps you think of thirteen as no more than the baker’s dozen. In mathematics, it is actually known as a ‘happy number’. Whatever your attitude towards it, I hope that the thirteenth issue of Travisty doesn’t disappoint. Alexander Chamberlain
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The Editors
A lexander Chamberlain Realising that he already has enough on his plate with societies this year, Alexander has decided to forgo food. Unfortunately, he had already paid the Kitchen Fixed Charge. K erem Ergene Kerem was to busy to help with proofraeding this weak, so he asked the righters to do there best job without him.
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In This Issue
Meet the creative team behind this week’s issue
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Letter from the Editors Travisty Editors
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This Issue’s Contributors Travisty Editors
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Headlines
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The Ghost of My Academic Success Muhammad Manji
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Uncle A
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Observations of a Humanities Human Agnijo Banerjee and Shavindra Jayasekera
Travisty Writers
Uncle A
10 Cryptic Crossword Andrew Sellek and Agnijo Banerjee 11 Caption Contest One-Liners
Kerem Ergene Travisty Writers
12 What’s On in Cambridge
Mina Frost
Cocktail of the Week
Jovan Powar
13 Weather Forecast
Mina Frost
Petition Corner
Grace Glevey
14 TCSU Vomit Charge Scandal Joshua Robey 15 A Horror Story
Olivia Horne
16 St John’s Gunpowder Plot 18 Trick or Treat in Trinity
Lidija Beric
Fedor Misyura
19 Halloween Costumes Alexander Chamberlain 20 Horrorscopes
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Kerem Ergene
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Agnijo Banerjee Solves cryptics faster than Andrew can write them. A ndrew Sellek Writes cryptics slower than Agnijo can solve them. Fedor Misyura In the holidays, you can be certain of one thing: Fedor will mis yu. Grace Glevey Perhaps, one day, Grace will Glevey you with her presence. H arry Metrebian More qualified in stargazing than our certified mystic. Joshua Robey A Fresher, so the Editors don’t have any material on him... yet. Jovan Powar Otherwise known as the Van of Powar, but doesn’t sell food. Lidija Beric Has watched one too many shower heads die be destroyed.
Mina Frost The widely unknown sister of Jack Frost. Muhammad M anji Not the writer Travisty needed, but the writer Travisty got. Olivia Horne Put an ‘e’ on the end of her surname to hide her true nature. Shavindra Jayasekera No one has seen Shavindra since his journal was found... Yannis Wells What do you call a Yiannis without any eyes? A Yanns.
PORTERS SHUT DOWN O2 ARENA CONCERT Van Morrison’s set at the O2 Arena on Friday came to a sudden end when two Porters from Trinity, which owns the venue, burst in and demanded that the band stop playing, as Trinity rules forbid loud music after 10 pm. It is understood that the Porters had received a noise complaint from a third-year physicist who was “trying to work” next door. The musicians at first refused to submit to the Porters’ authority, but eventually they agreed to end the concert early in return for not being Deaned. The Porters then explained that they hadn’t been notified that more than ten people would be present in the arena, so the event was an illegal party and would
have to be broken up. All 19,485 concertgoers had their names taken by the Porters, despite the fact that none of them were members of Trinity. While the mass evacuation was taking place, Travisty sent a reporter to the scene to interview some of the departing fans. Lucy Forster, 28, said that her boyfriend had bought her a ticket for her birthday and she had been eagerly awaiting the gig for months. “We were just sitting there, singing along to ‘Moondance’, when these guys in bowler hats came in and said that we would all have to leave,” Lucy told us exasperatedly. “Everyone was terrified and made a dash for the door, but for some
TRINITY TO REPLACE SAINSBURY’S WITH TESCO Trinity College has taken the drastic action of replacing the Sidney Street Sainsbury’s store with a new Tesco branch. Given that Trinity owns a 50% stake in Tesco, as well as most of the land in Cambridge, it is a wonder that the redevelopment hasn’t come sooner. However, due to falling share prices and the looming Asda-Sainsbury’s merger, there has been pressure on Trinity College to play a greater role in promoting Tesco in Cambridge. It has been reported that the recent poor performance of Tesco has impacted the College in multiple ways: a lower position in the Tompkins Table; rising canteen prices; and poor wi-fi. The
spokesperson for Trinity College has refused to confirm or deny these rumours regarding the influence of Tesco on Trinity’s academic record, but heralds the new Tesco store. “It is an opportunity for students to explore new avenues in grocery shopping. Sainsbury’s has, for a long time, held a monopoly on last minute shoppers, ready meals, and cheap alcohol. Tesco is a fresh start.”
reason the men asked if we had some sort of card that I’d never heard of, and didn’t let us out until we told them our names. Who the hell do these guys think they are? Someone said they thought they were from Oxford University—what on earth do they have to do with us? They can take their privilege and shove it up their arses.” This is believed to be the first time that a concert at the O2 has been interrupted by Porters since Trinity bought the arena in 2009. However, Friday’s events were reminiscent of an incident in 1993 when a Porter castigated several schoolboys for running on a patch of grass on Trinity-owned land in Felixstowe. Harry Metrebian
GREAT COURT MINI RUN RESULTS
Despite a flood risk few puddles postponing the Great Court Run, it didn't stop a bunch of fellows’ children. They lined up on a patch of Great Court grass, and, when the clock struck, they were off.
“What?” and “F*** off” have been the most common responses by students who were asked about the new store. It is not known when the new store will open: some say 2019; others believe it will be indefinitely delayed.
There was a minor pile up at the first corner, triggered by a young boy tripping (perhaps it was too slippery, after all), which allowed a speedy girl to take the lead. She kept all the way around the course marked out by recyclable coffee cups, to finish the race. Travisty congratulates all those who ran in this esteemed event and wishes them the best for their academic/athletic future.
Shavindra Jayasekera
Alexander Chamberlain
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FIRE ALARM RISE CREDITED TO
GLOBAL WARMING
A study by the University of Cambridge has shown a direct correlation between the global rise of temperatures and the sensitivity of the fire alarm system at Trinity College Cambridge. This year, the number of times the fire alarms have been set off in the College’s buildings has reportedly tripled over the course of the first two weeks of term. Such appalling statistics have encouraged eminent scientists based in Trinity to conduct research into said dramatic increase. Results show that the number of students drunkenly cooking potato waffles and toast at 2 am has remained steady over the past few years. Statistical research has also proven that on average, more students consider themselves capable of using a microwave and a hob than ever before. Cooking facilities have not been modified recently, most kitchens being furnished solely with a kettle and a toaster. How can the rise of the number of fire alarms be explained if it isn’t for general student incompetence and poor equipment? A fellow at Trinity decided to investigate and reached the ground-breaking conclusion that global warming might play a
role in the phenomenon. Thanks to sophisticated tools such as thermometers, Professor Rocket, a scientist with an eminent background in meteorology, was able to observe a noticeable rise in the temperature of gyps in Trinity. This was especially obvious when electrical equipment was used. He also noted that the fans in the kitchens affected by the heat were mostly useful to produce loud noise and did very little to reduce the smoke which can emanate from culinary preparations. His reports indicate that the absence of windows in a large number of rooms was regrettable for students’ wellbeing. Details aside, his innovative study found a plausible and well-founded answer to the issue of fire alarms. When some foolishly suggested that their sensors might be slightly too sensitive, or that the gyps’ equipment needs to be replaced, Professor Rocket came back with rock-solid evidence that Trinity kitchens were the hub of a climactic microcosm extremely prone to rapid heatwaves and condensation.
ZOMBIES OVERRUN CAMBRDIGE
Cambridge locals have reported waves of so-called ‘zombies’ trudging through the streets. The condition is characterised by purple bags beneath the eyes, pale skin and slow reaction times. Many also have snot dripping from their noses and let out frequent grating coughs. The University’s leading expert in zombieism found time to explain the phenomenon: “It ’s that time of term again, when work has piled up, friends you saw in Freshers’ Week seem like distant memories, and the general lack of sleep and a healthy diet have caught up with you. Of course, it is also exacerbated by the cold weather and short days.” “We see this endemic this time each year, so it ’s nothing to worry about. I’m confident that they’ll be gone by Christmas.”
While concrete solutions to the problem are still being investigated, Professor Rocket has been nominated for the Nobel Prize in Physics for his excellent work in Climatology.
Zombies often accumulate at lecture halls, Sainsbury’s and clubs, the latter of which seem temporarily to counteract the condition, only to worsen it the next morning. Although there have been no reports of an appetite for brains, locals are being warned to stay away from hotspots and stay viligiant.
Mina Frost
Alexander Chamberlain
theme. Unfortunately, she will not be open for questions after the Bop, as it has been determined that the likelihood of left-leaning members of the public being present to ask her questions is too high.
she has recently been informed that they are, in fact, a Swedish band. As such, they should be boycotted by any favouring a hard Brexit. This leaves us wondering just who she will dance to? Queen? The Beatles? Or even One Direction? Only time will tell.
DANCING THERESA MAY BOOKED FOR NEXT TRINITY BOP After discovering her talent in Africa, bringing it back to England, and introducing some ABBA to her routine, Theresa May has decided that the next stage in her dancing career is to return to her Oxbridge roots. She will be showcasing her dancing ability at the next Trinity Bop, arguably making it the scariest one yet, regardless of any Halloween
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As for the performance itself, she has mentioned that she will not, however, be dancing to ABBA as
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Yannis Wells
VEGAN VAMPIRES
SKELETON LOOKING FOR AN ORGAN DONOR
Vampires, as a species, have been on the rise in the last century. As the general population’s belief in their kind has dwindled, it has become all the easier for vampires to find targets who are unprotected by crucifixes, rosemary and holy water. What’s more, with the aid of Google Maps, vampires are more able than ever to plan their routes so as to avoid crossing running water.
This week, Travisty decided to highlight the struggles of one young man, in an effort to inform the general population of a very rare and debilitating condition, called Skellingtonosis.
CRITICALLY ENDANGERED
Recently, however, a new belief is threatening the survival of their way of life: veganism. “It’s everywhere these days. It’s good for the planet and for the body,” explains Countess Dianna, while chomping down on a strawberry. [The Travisty interviewer tried their best to remain unperturbed by the red liquid dripping down the vampire’s chin.] When asked if they were apprehensive about the lack of blood in their diet, which gives vampires vital life energy, many seemed unconcered. “We’ve found a variety of substitutes, including the Bloody Mary cocktail (without garlic, of course!), beetroot juice and blood oranges.” Vampires already take vitamin D tablets to counteract their lack of sun exposure, but this new diet requires them to add iron supplements to the mix, as doctors are worried they may become anemic without them. Despite the enthusiasm of many towards this new trend, the figures don’t lie. A record number of vampires have been falling into a deep sleep, weakened by their lack of blood. It is unsure whether these vampires will ever wake up from their hibernation. Alexander Chamberlain
From a young age, Jack ‘Bare’ Bones was always different. It began in primary school, where he got off on the wrong foot. “Everything the teacher told us seemed to go right through me,” Jack explains. “I never let it get to me, though. The issues pile up when you let things like that get under your skin—fortunately, that’s never been a problem for me.” The difficulties weren’t confined to academia, however, as Jack also had trouble learning how to get on with other children. “It took me a long time to get the hang of sharing. Phrases like ‘an eye for an eye’ were very foreign to me, so adapting to such a different culture took time. As soon as it was put to me in terms of ‘a tooth for a tooth’ though, I suddenly understood. I think it highlights the importance of adapting teaching styles to suit different people.
“Sometimes, the other kids, they didn’t like that I was different. They’d call me names like nobrainer and bone-head. Or tell me to break a leg. It wasn’t a great time for me, but they said it was all tonguein-cheek.” “I think they were looking for a fight sometimes, but I didn’t have the stomach for it. I just knuckled down and focused on my work.” Luckily, Jack’s parents have been very supportive, always providing a shoulder to cry on, should he need it. Jack’s mum tells us that, despite his struggles, Jack is still striving to enjoy life as best he can. “You might think that Jack would be envious of his full-bodied counterparts, but he doesn’t have a jealous bone in his body.” Now Jack hopes that revolutionary new surgery, along with several organ donors, will be able to cure him of his condition and let him live out a normal life. “I guess you could say I’m just a man after my own heart,” says Jack. Alexander Chamberlain
Write for Travisty Think you can do better? Want to find out more? Come to Writers’ Group!
8:00 pm Mondays in the JCR
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The Ghost of My Academic Success Muhammad Manji is visited by a spectre from his past
As the clock struck one, a sudden chill swept through Great Court, across its majestic, forbidden patches of lawn. I had found myself doing the walk of shame back from Gardies after a late night at the library, shuffling across the cobblestones whilst trying to hide my cheesy chips from the judgement of passers-by. As I finally reached my door, I fumbled in my pockets and realised I had locked myself out. Again. So I made my way across the vast court for a second time, feeling doubly ashamed about the steaming container of cheesy chips in my hands. Trying to guzzle them down before I reached the Porters’ Lodge, I hadn’t noticed that something was not quite right about Great Court. All the lights were off, but I had passed that off as a standard Friday night in Trinity. The rising fog had come up to my knees, and a stark silence had fallen over the College, but I strolled determinedly onward to fetch my key and get tucked into bed as quickly as possible. It seemed simple enough. Except the door to the Porters’ Lodge was locked, and the lights were off.
I stood there in disbelief; I had always assumed that the Porters didn’t need to sleep, but in that moment, I realised that it was an unreasonable expectation and I needed to shake such baseless stereotypes out of my head. After all, they almost seemed human, apart from their sinister death stares, uncanny teleportation abilities and ruthless efficiency. And yet there were none to be seen.
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I turned around and paced for a few minutes, trying to think of a more creative way of getting into my room. The wind picked up and whistled eerily through the wellkept bushes lining the court. I saw a shadowy figure on the other side of the court and decided that I would love to have another human being to complain to, so I proceeded to make my way there. ‘I bet they’re finding this as strange as I am,’ I thought to myself. The closer I got, the more I started to notice that the figure wasn’t moving at all, but a stationary hooded silhouette in the middle of a patch of perfectly maintained grass. I looked around to check I wasn’t being observed, then tiptoed up to the mysterious shape in front of me. I waited a second before tearing off its hood, and then was thrown off my feet as the creature let out an almighty shriek and disappeared with a flash.
I staggered to my feet and looked around me for witnesses, panting, and noticed a singed piece of paper where the cloaked figure had stood. I picked it up, placed my reading glasses on, and my confusion suddenly turned to an intense dread. Staring right back at me were my A-level results. It took me a second to realise this, at which point I dropped it and ran like I had never done before. I could feel the heavy presence of my recent academic failure crushing my shoulders as the pressure built up, and before I knew it, I had collapsed to the floor in existential agony.
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I tried to scream for help, but my throat had seized up and I could hear the words of my last supervision report echoing through my ears and around my head. “A disappointing effort, although, with enough hard work, Muhammad can salvage what has been a trainwreck of a year.” I could feel a few solitary tears rolling down my cheeks as the remaining muscles in my body failed me, and I withdrew into a puddle of pity and despair. My limbs disconnected, and I could feel every individual atom of my body disintegrating, sinking into the pristine lawn, a part of the establishment I never felt I belonged to. As my vision faded, the last image I saw was my Director of Studies’ well-polished shoes on the ground before me. “You had so much potential. A real shame,” his calm voice echoed through the void. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP I bolted upright in my bed, slowly recovering my bearings, and scrambled across the room to switch my phone alarm off. I looked around and everything seemed to be in order. I allowed myself a relieved smile—it was all a dream! I should just get to my 9 am and not worry about it ever again. I looked at my dazzlingly bright phone screen to try and make out the time. It was 9:48. It was all over.
Uncle A
Travisty’s agony aunt uncle returns to solve your most pressing concerns Dear Uncle A,
Dear Uncle A,
Dear Uncle A,
I’ve heard that our Master is leaving? What will we do without one?
You’ve spelt Travisty incorrectly. How come you can’t spell?
So you’re an uncle, huh? What’s the name of your niece/nephew? How old are they? Are you actually just pretending?
Nervous follower Dear nervous follower, Fear not. We will send to the Citadel for a new one. Perhaps you know of one? I hear the responsibilities include: wearing a metal chain around your neck; healing the wounded; and sending ravens with important messages. Oh wait, I thought you wrote Maester.
Spelling stickler Dear spelling stickler, Oh my word! Thank you for pointing that out. To think, all this time, we’ve been spelling the very name of our publication incorrectly! I’ll amend it immediately, your help is much appreciated. Uncle A —
Uncle A
Dear Uncle A,
Dear Uncle A,
I’ve heard rumours that the bar is going to introduce a pay-perhour for seating, to reduce overcrowding. What shall I do?
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What’s the best way to meet lots of new people? Wannabe BNOC
Bar squatter Dear bar squatter,
Isn’t it obvious? You should stop chasing after such hollow titles. Spend time getting to know a few people well. One good friend is better than fifty acquaintances.
Well, I think the first question to ask yourself is: why do you spend so much time in the first place? What about your lovely Trinity room? If you still want to spend time in the bar, however, I advise that you start saving soon.
Uncle A
Uncle A
Dear wannabe BNOC,
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Suspicious inquisitor Dear suspicious inquisitor, Perhaps your career goal should be to become a police interrogator, I think that you’d do a fantastic job. I, on the other hand, will channel my inner politician, and avoid your questions. Uncle A
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Dear Uncle A, Where is best to read the news about Cambridge these days? World-wise student Dear world-wise student, I hear Rumourbridge is an extremely comprehensive and reliable account of all things happening in Cambridge. Uncle A
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Observations of a Humanities Human Read Shavindra Jayasekera’s journal detailing his unnverving experience
Day 1: The Mystery Begins
The lights in the hallway flicker into existence. Someone is outside my room. I rush to the door, squinting through the peephole to try to catch a glimpse of the mystery visitor, but by the time I had squished my face against the wood of the door, there was nothing to be seen. This was not the first time this has happened. Hence, a diary—to monitor the situation. The Porters refuse to believe my story of a presence in the hallway. As long as they make no noise past 10 pm it’s none of their concern. I am compelled to investigate this mystery, at any cost. Who knows what I could discover? Day 2: The Door Across the Hall
A door slams shut. It must have come from the room opposite me, 13. Does anyone even live there? I have never seen anything leaving or entering Room 13 in the week that I have lived here. Even the Bedders don’t bother checking the room. No one else in my floor—or the entire building— has any idea who lives there. I’ve decided that I am going to order a security camera to catch proof of my enigmatic neighbour. Day 3: A Room with No View
I decided to try a different approach today. Surely Room 13 has a window. I decided to observe from outside with my binoculars (I overpacked). The curtains seem to be permanently
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closed, and there is no visible sign of life within the room.
Thank goodness for Amazon one-day delivery. I heard a noise again in the middle of the night, but finally I will be able to see who it is that is waking me up all the time. At last, this mystery shall be resolved. Day 4: A Trail of Symbols Apparently, my use of security cameras is “unethical” and “disturbing” according to the Porters and “f****** creepy” according to everyone else. The Bedders have “disposed of ” said item, but nowhere does it say in the White Book that installing security cameras is banned. It’s probably some stupid GDPR thing… I found mysterious Post-It notes in the hallway, with mysterious secret symbols in various patterns. I can make out the occasional dx, but the rest is all Greek to me. Is this the code of some secret ancient conspiracy that the Room 13 inhabitant is a part of? What could be the motive behind such a cabal? Are they the ones secretly running Cambridge? Are they covering something up? My mind races with possibilities. Day 5: Into the Unknown Next morning, after the camera fiasco, I come to the kitchen to find a whole clove of garlic stuffed in the bin. This can’t
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have been a coincidence. The whole floor knows that I have been watching the corridor in the middle of the night, so surely the inhabitant of Room 13 is aware of my intentions to catch him. Perhaps he is a vampire… I wait patiently throughout the night until I heard him leave, before making my way into the corridor. The door seemed unlocked. If I am caught inside the room, I am almost certain to get Deaned, so I decide to check very briefly, making sure not to make any sound. When I turn on the light, it starts to flicker and then goes out. I briefly glimpsed a copy of “The God Delusion”, by Richard Dawkins, on the table. At this point, I had to rely on whatever dim light I could get so I drew the curtains. I checked the mirror. It was completely covered. The floor seemed to be strewn with clothes. I could barely read anything on the desk, but from what little I could make out it had the same arcane symbols as the Post-Its. Just then, I heard footsteps. He was coming. I was sure to be found now. Was this a vampire, or some other unspeakable horror? Was coming here a fatal mistake on my part? He entered. He had a pale, almost ghostly face. He glared into my eyes and then I realised. This was no ordinary vampire. This was a Mathmo. Co-written by Shavindra Jayasekera and Agnijo Banerjee
Cryptic Crossword Andrew Sellek’s Brunch brainteaser
Email amc240@cam.ac.uk with the crossword answers by 23:59 on Sunday 11th November to be in with a shot of winning the prize. The winner will be drawn at random from all completed solutions. Prize: Slice of fudge + signed copy of this week’s issue. The winner will be announced in the next issue. Last issue’s winner: Agnijo Banerjee
Get Involved Like what you’ve read? Join the team. Email: amc240@cam.ac.uk
Across 3 Gussets throb, shaken by spectre hunters (12) 8 Leisurely and disorganisedly aid Goa (6) 9 Navigate—the East is around ’ere! (9) 10 First aid on the Sierra is comparative (2) 12 Confused mathematician and chief scout meet Master and Porters (6) 13 Used to be, in short, like some wolves (4) 14 Brightly radiating stars—constellation (4) 15 Direction to scratch a practioner of magic (5) 17 Track seen written in Braille (4) 18 Scary faeces in the heavens (6) 19 Be over-cruel (4) 20 Cascade from limitless sewers (4) 21 Bitumen made from returning rodent (3) 23 Roll from spider’s creation—not online (3) 25 Headmaster to request a costume element (4) 27 Dolphin found in major canal (4) 28 Pedestrian area running along decorated exterior—the front of King’s perhaps (6) 30 Your dub over this language (4) 31 Brown silicon dispersed by Andrew Wheeler’s department (5) 33 Edict of ingot without charge (4) 34 Wizard comedy, minus a constant (4) 36 Goblin’s tepid middle part of foot (6) 37 Dash kept back by Kerem Ergene (2) 39 Crumble bags into backpack (9) 40 Visual of love vehicle parked around library (6)
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To be honest, relativist was lacking one monster maker (12)
Down 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 11 16 18 21 22 23 24 26 28 29 32 35 38
Hangman’s frame takes new head of holy people (7) Outlaw, prohibit morse code signal (6) Igor’s heart and mangled toes timelessly reformed into bird (5) Sporting Bob cooking leeks—not! (8) Artillery that night flier and Terry fire right (7) Human resources needed in Farmer Jackson’s song (8) Ran out of genetic material (3) Beast left untidy shelter (6) Tea said to be burnt (3) Elitist 4 Down dug up is lacking end of clavicle (4) Pet amenity houses domesticated animal (4) Unknown mobile roaming left out by undead (6) Pot rumoured to be named after election candidate (8) Friar Hugh smells nice (8) Diocese heard to be the ocean (3) Fruit heart with family (7) Radium and fortified wine claim top prize for chemistry (7) A quadrillion and fifty small flower parts (6) How a father might bid farewell to his buffalo offspring (5) Space station goes over the edge (3)
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Andrew Sellek with help from Agnijo Banerjee
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Caption Contest Your chance to win big
One-Liners
Words of wisdom from Travisty’s writers
Our Biggest Fears
What’s Kerem going to do with all of that Fairy washing up liquid? You decide... Email amc240@cam.ac.uk by 23:59 on Sunday 11th November with your best caption to be in with a shot of winning. Prize: Slice of fudge + signed copy of this week’s issue. Winning captions will feature in the next issue. Last issue’s winners: 1st Chris Baish, 2nd Eoin Walsh, 3rd Grace Glevey
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Agnijo Bannerjee Running out of cryptic crosswords. A ndrew Sellek Having to write an actual article. A rjun Banwait Airport security. A lexander Chamberlain People not submitting articles. Fedor Misyura Kerem. H arry Metrebian Manji becoming Ethics Editor. Joshua Robey That they dig up the patio. K erem Ergene Leaving. Being left to fend for myself in the real world. Not being able to spend all my time in the bar. Losing touch with those I used to know. Letting the societies I used to run decay in my absence. Being forgotten. Leaving. Lidija Beric Abseiling down a 50ft. cliff with a 30ft. rope. Mina Frost Missing a Travisty deadline. Muhammad M anji Birthday parties. Olivia Horne Fear itself. Shavindra Jayasekera Phobophobia. Yannis Wells Doing my own work.
What’s On in Cambridge
Mina Frost gives you some events for your calendar
October • New Hall Art Collection: Head to Murray Edwards at 4 pm today to get a tour of the New Hall Art Collection, which, to celebrate Black History Month, features works by women of colour, such as Lubaina Himid, Maud Sulter and Permindar Kaur. • Witches Play: Next week, an exciting play is launching starring Travisty’s own Grace! It’s a seasonal sketch show called Witches, and will be running from the 30th to the 3rd at 9.30 pm at Corpus Playroom.
November • Notes Magazine: On November 1st, come along to the launch of the 52nd issue of Notes, a magazine which features student poetry and art! The launch will be at 7.30 pm in the Lightfoot Room, in the Old Divinity School (St John’s). • Fireworks and Bonfire Night: One of Cambridge’s most popular annual events, the fireworks kick off from 7 pm followed by the lighting of the bonfire. There are also various food stalls and fairground rides to entertain yourself. Remember, remember, the 5th of November, at Midsummer Common.
COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK
Bone-Hurty Juice
Description
This spooky cocktail is somewhere between a Monkey Gland and a gin sour, perfectly perverted by pumpkin. Oof owow, my bones!
Ingredients 1/4 measure grenadine 1 spoon pumpkin butter 2 measures gin 1 egg white 1 lemon 1 dash absinthe
Method 1. 2. 3. 4.
Rinse champagne coupe with absinthe. Shake the grenadine, pumpkin butter, gin, egg white, and a squeeze of lemon juice over ice. Strain into glass. Serve with lemon or orange peel for garnish.
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Weather Forecast
Mina Frost uses her surname to predict the Cambridge weather
I’ve received complaints recently that my weather reports are sometimes inaccurate. Before I plunge into my usual, beautifully-crafted, metaphorically-loaded bulletin, here’s what I have to say in my defence: • Why on earth would you read Travisty to get reliable information?
• I study Linguistics. (Why am I writing the forecast then, I hear you say—well, no one else wanted to and I’m not that funny).
• The only insight into the weather that I get is the colour of the sky from inside the UL. Right now, it’s blue with a few fluffy white clouds. • The deadline for our articles is ridiculously early, and my name is not Nabuchodonosor. Editor’s note: I don't think the deadline for articles is ridiculously early.
Right. Judging by the Tanager Turquoise (Pantone 13-4720 TCX) shade of the sky, this week should be quite nice. Despite the treacherous blue, it is actually bloody freezing in this country so don’t be fooled—make sure to wear a scarf, unless you want to achieve a similar skin tone. The white fluffy clouds look quite innocent right now, but I am well aware that this could change within the next ten minutes, let alone in four days… I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Sunday will be decent, with occasional showers in the evening which will deepen everyone’s Pre-Monday blues. Stock up on Lemsip and have a fabulous week! Any further complaints about my methods should be addressed to ke297@cam.ac.uk.
Petition Corner
Grace Glevey campaigns for things close to her heart
• Petition to have a Bonfire Bop instead of a Halloween Bop, officially acknowledging that Bonfire Night is undoubtedly the best night on any calendar, even overtaking Bridgemas. • Petition to buy a Ouija board for the JCR that’s Nintendo themed and call it the Mario and Luigi-board. • Petition to bring black cats into Trinity on 31st October. • Petition to be allowed to say RIP to people before bed as a more efficient way to say ‘sleep well’. • Petition to rename vampire fangs ‘pointy dentures’. • Petition to bring back Tuesday formals. (Not Halloween themed, but still…)
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TCSU Vomit Charge Scandal Joshua Robey undertakes some investigative journalism
Following reports that TCSU are being fined £20 every time someone vomits in College unidentified, Travisty has been utilising all of its resources to mount a full-scale investigation into potential corruption at Trinity. Senior staff have even warned that the trend of teetotalism and moderate drinking in the socalled ‘Generation Sensible’ seems set to destroy the College’s once robust financial status. Yet this expected fall in profits is not reflected in the data. Trinity recently reported an increase in net worth during the 2016/2017 academic year of £156.8 million, or 7,840,000 vomits, sparking Travisty’s investigation into the College’s financial health. The rules are simple. For every unidentified student vomit, TCSU must pay a levy of £20 to the College. Yet inherently within the rules lies a note of corruption. The ‘student vomit’ is deemed such by the College, who seem willing to categorise any puddles of sick in the College as student-originating without fit and proper investigation. Furthermore, Travisty has spoken to sources—all of whom asked not to be identified—who claim that the College is forcing its own staff to throw up within the College walls, in order to improve its monetary situation. “Please, it wasn’t our choice,” said one source, who claimed to have been waterboarded with Buckfast Tonic Wine to the point of nausea. “It’s for the sake of the College, I suppose,” said another harried source, in between swigs of neat vodka. “We didn’t get to choose though.” Other staff confessed to living in a state of fear, stuck between the terror of not meeting vomit targets, and being caught by the Dean.
“It was inhuman. He looked like a man possessed by the devil,” said one second year of a phantom vomiter, he’d encountered during Michaelmas 2017. “It dripped from his gown wherever he walked.” Many others imaginatively described the treatment of the forced vomiters as ‘sick’. Though previously remaining largely unnoticed, Trinity’s history is soiled with incident when it comes to bodily fluids. In 1806, Lord Byron famously got an owl to defecate into his soup to win a bet, whilst Ludwig Wittgenstein, after a particularly heavy night of logical positivism and gin, allegedly threw up directly on through Isaac Newton’s ghost. More recently, the College’s ruthless capitalism appears to have continued, abetted by a wide range of biological matter. The Trinity owned Port of Felixstowe —the largest in the country—is believed to be at least 70% filled with the urine of Trinity alumni. Experts suggest this has led to increased buoyancy due to the port’s vastly inflated sense of self-importance. Similarly, the College is yet to disclose how it sources its notorious Trinity Apple Juice. In light of recent reports, some have even claimed that this money-making scheme was behind the so-called ‘Great Court Flood of 2011’—in which students were ferried in pairs across the ever-rising tide of sewage aboard a hastily assembled ark. Such tides of vomit seem far more understandable in context of Trinity’s economic activities, insider sources suggesting the diluvial incident was staged in order to bolster College finances before Trinity’s £440 million acquisition of 50% of Tesco in January 2012.
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Though the vomit-stained cobbles of Great Court have inconvenienced many at the College—and were a major factor in the postponement of the Great Court Run—perhaps the greatest burden has fallen on TCSU. Forced to bankroll ten figure sums in vomit compensation, the harried organisation has lost almost all credibility and had to turn to high interest payday loan companies to stay afloat. However, the sheer cashflow required to fund such frequent vomit fines is rumoured to have been what brought down Wonga.com. It is important we act soon and stem the flow of effluent, given Trinity’s recently touted plans to buy the Royal Family. If such a purchase were to go ahead, we can expect to see Great Court’s walls overwhelmed by excretive waste, which will then flow through the streets of Cambridge, refusing to stop, with the tenacious and malevolent attitude of a St John’s student on a bicycle. Despite the mounting evidence, Travisty cannot confirm for definite whether the allegations are entirely accurate, and the College finance department has remained elusive in discussing them. Approached for comment, they would only give us this short statement: “Trinity is proud to be the wealthiest College in Cambridge, though we’d never go on about it. In order to protect our assets and the education we provide, we frequently explore new avenues and move our assets around. In short, we like to keep things fluid.”
Editor’s note: In all seriousness, do clean up your own mess.
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The Terrible Tale of The Blue Boar, The Wolf’s Son and The Angel Olivia Horne channels her inner Stephen King
It was a dark and stormy night—so stormy, in fact, that the splash of punt sticks was inaudible, and the punter tour guide had to raise his voice even more than usual to be heard. Not that anyone was really listening. (Though perhaps something was?).
“On the right, there, is Trinity. One of the largest colleges, and one of the richest,” he called out to the bored tourists. “Legend has it, that on dark and stormy nights like this one, the Blue Boar and the Wolf ’s Son stalk Great Court, preying on unsuspecting Freshers who are returning late after an evening at the library.”
Just then, the air rippled with a sound that could only have been a roar combined with a howl, closely followed by an ear-splitting scream. The tourists continued chatting and taking selfies (with flash, of course—so bright that it rivalled that of the lightning) seemingly unperturbed by such sounds. Shivering slightly now, the guide continued. “No one knows what they want, or why they only target Freshers. All we know is that the death rate is steadily rising. The Dean has advised Freshers never to
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travel alone. Unfortunately, all that means is that several are picked off at a time. Even a college with wealth like Trinity’s is struggling to foot the cleaning bills—the blood comes off all right, but the entrails get wedged between the cobbles.” The noises returned. This time, one tourist looked up from her phone inquisitively. Nevertheless, she looked back down at it the moment the screaming stopped.
Noticeably pale now, the punter faltered slightly in his manoeuvres, but bravely carried on, in a voice that was only trembling a little. “Sometimes the bodies are still intact, though; then, they always have the image of a cross reflected in their pupils, which shines through even when their eyelids are closed.” For a final time, the dual bellow pierced the night air, rousing all of the occupants of the punt from their social mediainduced trance. This time, however, it did not end with a scream. It simply continued, increasing horrifyingly in volume, until the windows of the Wren Library rattled with the impact, and the Cam began to slosh over its
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banks. Terrified, the tourists clung to the sides of the punt as it swayed wildly, having abandoned their phones in favour of their lives (all apart from one, who clearly felt that life without Snapchat is not a life worth living). With increased proximity came further noises: the monstrous thunder of hooves, and the unearthly clack of claws on flagstones, magnified a thousand-fold by the terror of the night.
Soon shadowy figures became visible, moving at supernatural speed. Each crack of lightning illuminated a new feature. A hide of deep blue. A crimson soaked muzzle. A pair of vicious tusks. A glint of canines. The punt swayed yet more wildly, as the tourists shrieked in terror. But there was nothing they could do.
As the creatures tore them limb from limb, another shadowy figure revealed itself. A middle-aged man, wings protruding from his back, stepped out from behind a lime-tree. “That’s what you get,” he gloated, “for calling Trinity one of the richest colleges.”
St John’s Gunpowder Plot
Lidija Beric outlines what really occurred in a shocking new exposé Following the one-hundredand-fifty-year-long investigation into the controversial events of November 1868, readers can finally discover the truth about the St John’s gunpowder plot that sent shockwaves through the whole academic community. We can still see the effects of the trauma in the college’s use of strategically positioned Porters who refuse to betray how friendly they truly are until they have established on careful examination of your CamCard that you are indeed a college member. But perhaps it is the St John’s porters who ought to have modified their security procedures all those years ago and become the only college to not allow non-members to enter as disturbing facts about the supposed St John’s gunpowder plot against Trinity come to light after 150 years of court trials and tribulations. With the indispensable aid of a very generous grant from Trinity, Travisty has been able to piece together all the facts of this long and complicated affair, unravelling twists a coiled python couldn’t match. We can confirm after one-hundred-and-fifty years
that the gunpowder plot was in fact a fit-up executed by famous Trinity alumnae together with pressganged Fresher naïfs. It was not, as has been previously and libelously alleged by news outlets/Varsity that were open to bribery, or blackmail, (the remainder being torched; newsprint burns very well), a terrorist plot devised by fundamentalist St John’s students to reignite the rivalry that had, according to them and in the light of a worrying eager to foment war and destroy decades of to them unnatural peaceful inter-college cooperation. That was the story fed to us, a story printed by Trinity’s money, and all in the name of concealing Trinity’s parlous financial state, the naked body clothed in ermine was on the brink of ‘deferment’. Financial embarrassment and Trinity in the same sentence, much as they might now seem to be completely oxymoronic. It is the burden of a journalist’s hypocritical oath to lay bare all and finally give readers the truth about this ignoble event. In the autumn of 1868, referred to by insiders as the pre-Responsible Invest-
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ment Society era in Trinity’s lifespan, Trinity College Cambridge fell victim to a force majeure financial event less predictable than a 100 years of winning lottery tickets. Trinity stared bankruptcy in the face. Medusa would have been preferable. Financial ruin threatened to take away the only life Trinity had ever known, one of pure privilege. The exact circumstances precipitating such a financial shock remain unknown, although the general consensus is that Trinity ought not to have spent quite so much building an underground bunker to protect the elite from a zombie apocalypse (despite many attempts, the secret weapon’s research of Trinity fellows only succeeded in step one of making zombies). Now this gunpowder plot, considered by historians to be a more serious version of the Cuban missile crisis, was not orchestrated by boredof-playing-nice St John’s students, but was a devilish Trinity plot. We live in the aftermath of a war between the two colleges so cold it can never cool off. The gunpowder plot was carefully planned to restore the col-
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lege’s financial strength by means of a devious insurance and re-insurance scheme. It was a neat way of gaining back the money that Trinity had somehow lost and taking vengeance on a century-old ancient enemy – by some twist of fate St John’s were the insurers. Newspapers from the time report out and out alternative facts about the plot. Here is an extract from the supposedly objective and factual Varsity. After reading this article, our canny readers will now know which newspaper is just posing to be authentic and honest: ‘On the nighte of the fourthe of Novembere 1868, a searche partie lead by the then-Mastererere of Trinitie, little knowne English classical scholar Lorde Byron, surprised a groupe of St. John’s troublemakeres guarding barrels of gunpowder in the fount of Greate Courte. These St John’s hooligans were planning to blowe up Lorde Byrone, uncaring of how many collateral deaths would ensue. The primarie inspiration behynde the attacke was William Wordsworth, a rather obscure literarie scholar jealous of Byrone’s lyfestile. The secondary motivation was allegedly a byd to steal some of Trinitie’s hardearned and well-deserved for-
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tune as St John’s was then only the third richeste college, withe those in the know confirming that St John’s desperately coveted not just seconde place, but firste…’
This article is unreliable on several counts. Firstly, it was part of a special ‘Medieval’ edition, rendering the spelling close to cheap parody. Furthermore, it has confused several vital details, deliberately misleading readers to accept a travesty of events for one-hundred-and-fifty-years years. The plot was motivated primarily by money, Trinity seeking to thieve from St John’s fortune to maintain eternal right to top the Tompkins Financial Table and defend themselves from the humiliation of bankruptcy, news which would have immediately reached St John’s all-too-attentive Mickey Mouse ears. Then, it was not Lord Byron who discovered the so-called St John’s Hooligans, but William Wordsworth who ‘surprised’ the debased members of the Trinity Terror Society, better known as the TrinitErrorSoc. It all went wrong for the unfortunate matriculants when seduced during Chaplain’s Squash by the offer of Quality Street, a free mug, and the fall of Western society.
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It was too late. They resisted participation in this plot until one of them was decapitated by an oar, forced to participate in the fanatical fraudulent fruitless farce to keep face and their actual faces. It has now come to light that it was Trinity’s own Freshers who were coerced into blowing up their own college in an insurance scam gone awry. We, upholders of truth, are proud to set the record straight, despite the new shame it brings to the college: Byron’s statue needs to be destroyed. What’s more, when Freshers swore their loyalty to TrinitErrorSoc, they believed they were signing up to a better life. Freshers, let this be a lesson to you. Do your research before blithely signing up to any club at Chaplain’s Squash. Do not assume that the club will be what it is or does what it does. Even if they have mugs. Run thorough investigative background checks (mirrors and garlic are handy for this, recently catching out half of Trinity’s First and Third Boat Club). When in doubt, don’t hesitate to contact Travisty, the world’s number one publication for fearless fact ferrets and dispellers of fake news.
Halloween Costumes
Alexander Chamberlain gives you some inspiration for your fancy dress The Bedsheet Ghost
1. Get a bedsheet (of your own, do not annoy your Bedder). 2. Cut out eye holes with a pair of scissors.
3. Drape over yourself, and float down to the nearest party.
Top tip: Does not actually grant the ability to walk through walls.
The Murder Scene
1. Obtain a large volume of fake blood, and several water guns. 2. Spray yourself and your friends with the crimson liquid. 3. Look like you made an effort, with minimal effort. Top tip: Do not walk into A&E while in costume.
The Hot Devil
1. Hit the gym as much as you can for an entire year (start early). 2. Buy some scant red clothing.
3. Show off those toned abs and bulging muscles (after all, you’d sweat off all that chubby fat in Hell). Top tip: Carry a pitchfork to fend of inevitable swarms of admirers.
The Over-Worked Zombie
1. Spend four weeks at Cambridge University.
2. Try to juggle your degree, socialising, sleep, eating and exercising.
3. Pull on some plain clothing, and stumble down to the nearest party. Top tip: Eat brain-shaped jelly to really nail the look.
The Plump Pumpkin
1. Buy a vast quantity of fake tan and locate a bathtub. 2. Bathe in the orange goop for at least four hours.
3. Dye your hair green and roll down to the nearest party.
Top tip: If you bathe for longer, this costume might even last you two Halloweens.
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Trick or Treat in Trinity
Fedor Misyura tours College in his quest for Halloween goodies When was the last time that you actually did Trick or Treat as a child (if ever)? Presuming that for most, this would have been quite a while back, let me ponder as to how it might go at our beloved College, Trinity. On a late October’s Wednesday night, you decide with your friends to go around the whole College knocking on different doors. What would everyone give you? How big a bag should you bring? How do you dress? What would truly scare people enough to give you treats? The one-liner column should give you some sort of and idea about what scares the writers. This should be a great challenge— many people would just look at you and laugh. Some will find it annoying that you are distracting them from their work. Some will inevitably not even open their doors. However, you must persist, as I believe that at the end of it all, you will have a bagful of goodies, bigger than you’ve ever dreamt of. First stop: Imagine you begin your journey at the bar and dress up as ‘Ample seating and Guinness on tap’. Immediately, three extra Cindies Halloween Bop tickets fall into your hands! You walk out, hitting things on your chair-costume.
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Second stop: Follow through into Angel Court Z. You must quickly change costume, as now, you are approaching a different beast—the Accommodation Office. You decide to cover yourself in unsigned accommodation forms—the only thing they are scared of. You get moved up to top position in the room ballot. Third stop: Now you are on your way to Whewell’s F2. No need to change costume here as ‘Free tea, coffee, doughnuts, cheese & other snacks’ are always provided by Andrew and Dana. Do sit down for a chat about mental health. Fourth stop: Next you decide to visit Kerem’s room. You dress as First and Third Secretary and TCSU Computing and Publicity Officer simultaneously and knock. When Kerem sees you, he is thrown into such a state of dismay that he gives you his oars, his computer, and his title of Travisty Editor. Fifth stop: As you now make your way back into Great Court, prepare yourself for the big one. You are approaching the Master’s Lodge. Here, simply wear the 2018 Tompkins Table and knock
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on Sir Professor Gregory Winter’s door. Out comes our Master, and he sees his worst nightmare. You lock eyes with him, and notice his Nobel Prize standing behind him. You flick your eyes quickly between him and the prize. Him and the prize. Him and the prize. Eventually, he gives up and hands you the prize. Penultimate stop: Next, as you walk through to hall, scare the Catering Office by ‘pennying’ your friend’s drink and pick up your free brunch. Last stop: Your final destination is of course, the College Library. In order to scare the librarian, simply look like you want to take with you at least five different bags, a coffee, and a snack. This will throw them into confusion and they won’t even think to allow this possibility. They will grant you twenty-four-hour library access, including the Wren. That concludes our Trick or Treat tour of Trinity. Hopefully, if you follow this route, you’ll have your hands full of goodies to take back to your room. If you’re quick, you’ll be back in time for all the Halloween events taking place. Have a good night!
Horrorscopes
Aries
Kerem Ergene, now a qualified mystic, reads your stars
At your next supervision, your supervisor will fall in love with you. Well, not with you, with your work. It’ll show unprecedented levels of technical insight that they themselves could only dream of achieving. Remember, plagiarism is a real issue. Back it up in case they try anything funny.
Taurus
At your next supervision, your supervisor will fall in love with you. Back up if they try anything funny.
Gemini
Your time is limited.
Cancer
Now’s the time to start thinking about your future; you need to plan what you’re going to be doing with your life. It’s never too early to have career plans and, before you know it, it’ll be far too late. You don’t want to be that person who has nothing to do when they graduate, loitering around the Trinity Bar, pretending you still belong here. Just apply for that spring week/internship/graduate position [delete as appropriate]. If that fails, Trinity College are currently recruiting Casual Bar Staff: give yourself a reason to stay. Cover photo by Altınay Dinç on Unsplash
Leo
Sagittarius
You’re going to let down a close friend. You’ll hurt them, and they’ll be worse off because of you. But they’ll forgive you, because they’re a close friend and everyone makes mistakes.
Every breath you take every move you make every bond you break every step you take I’ll be watching you.
Virgo
Every single day every word you say every game you play every night you stay I’ll be watching you.
Your future is filled with deadlines. You’ll endeavour to meet them all, but have you forgotten one? That’s the thing about deadlines: there’s no one there to remind you until you’ve missed them.
Libra
Your future is pretty dark. In fact, as I’m peering through my telescope, everything’s black. There’s no easy way to put this, but either you’re dying or... oh bloody hell, I left the lens cap on again.
Scorpio
Things are different in Cambridge. Your friends from home have stopped talking to you as much as they said they would. Your friends from Cambridge talk way too much. Don’t worry, I hate people too.
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Capricorn
Aquarius
Invest in a periscope. It’ll help you with all the watching, and it will look nice on the mantelpiece next to your telescope.
Pisces
How’s your love life going? Maybe have a think about taking the chances you’re offered; no one wants to die alone.
Get Involved Think you can do better? Join the team. Email: amc240@cam.ac.uk
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