Travisty 29 (#94)

Travisty Halloween 2021

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HALLOWEEN? That sounds

I’ve seen Freshers fight to the death in Mainsbury’s over overpriced tofu. I’ve seen a porter turn himself into a pumpkin (funniest shit ever).

very spooky. Maybe you’ve seen some ghosts. Perhaps that was your reflection in the shower. Who knows.

All these memories will be lost, like tears in the rain. But, like, a light rain, with the same thermal properties and saline content as tears. Otherwise it would be noticeable.

Halloween is a time to embrace the belief in the supernatural. For me, what’s supernatural is that I’m still here. I’ve gone to 13 Christmas Formals, I’ve organised midnight screaming events outside King’s, but I’m a 4th year engineer - I’m coming to the end. Halloween for me is a time to remember all these times and more.

With all that being said, I hope you enjoy this Halloween edition of Travisty. We have some new writers this edition and they’re absolutely brilliant (if a bit mad).

I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. I’ve seen people in the Bar actually do work.

Yours, Eoin

The Editors It’s Halloween yet the nightmares started long ago. We four editors have been working so hard we don’t know left from right, prop gun from real, and we’re not going to stop until the word Halloween becomes synonymous with Travisty.

Eoin Walsh

Arun ‘Ethics’ Prabhakar

Lidija Beric

Matthew Sargent

The Writers Filled with vim and vigour, these talented creators (if we said journalists we open ourselves to libel cases and we don’t have enough budget for that rigamarole again) have braved the spooky world to find you tales of the supernatural and the ghastly.

Alex Zhirnova

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Kada Williams

Leo Versteegen

Dominika Mak

2 Cover photo by Misha Medvedev

Misha Medvedev

Agnijo Banerjee

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Top 10 Hallowe’en Pranks to Play on your ‘Friends’ Arun toes the line between clickbait articles and writing terroristic material Pu~mpkins carved but mood not lightened, Tra-la-la-la-laaa La-la-la-laaa ’Ti~s the season to be frightened, Tra-la-la-la-laaa La-la-la- hold on. *technical sounds* *a few sparks fly*

We apologise for the inconvenience. It seems Travisty has once more been struck with a severe case of ret– intelligence; why, what did you think I was going to say? The same intelligence that came over me like a flash for the nine months over which I gestated my undergraduate dissertation. But really now, errors in your seasonal light verse: isn’t that… frightening? Eh?? You see, I can get away with jokes like these because I’m an editor. I’m supposed to be editing them out, so if I slacken, the floodgates open. Quis editodiet ipsos editodes? Not you lol

But back to business, how can you prank your friends like I’ve allegedly just pranked you?

1. Jump out at them from up behind the Wren ‘Up behind’ of course means ‘up on top of ’. I’m telling you to jump on them from the top of the Wren. This does unfortunately involve having to reach the Wren library rooftop, which can be done, but involves such occupational hazards as traversing three opportunities to be arrested for high trespass.

2. Get the week five blues in week one Everyone’s heard of getting them early, but think how saddened, maddened and enraged your amigos will be to learn that you got there first of all? With their raison d’être as sapped as a supple tree, you may find they follow suit very quickly indeed.

3. Tell them Varsity was short for ‘University’ all along, and pretend they were reasonably supposed to know this I apologise, readers – I have been *deeply* traumatised by a certain piece of information I recently learned. No, I won’t tell you what. But speaking of trauma, which is, of course, seasonal: 4. Feed them the eggs hall serves at breakfast 5. Turn up still wearing a mask They’ll be sure to think you’ve got the Bubonic 6. Turn up in college unannounced after giving various people the impression you were (for some reason) being a postman on Svalbard.

Sometimes inspiration just hits me, like a porter out of the dark. The dark corner round behind the entrance to Angel Court from the bar. Some of the things I say are oddly specific, but who am I to question why when the muse of comedy speaks me prosody?

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7. Force them to actually read Travisty Ok, ok. I went too far with that one. Like the CIA’s CGI department did with the ‘‘moon landi8. Push them into the Cam Outrageous, you say? Unspeakable, you utter? But reader – this really did happen to me. The culprit is now running Magpie and Stump, so I can only assume it was some kind of long-term joke which I am still yet to fully comprehend. Perhaps he set me up for this article. What a good chap. But it wasn’t stand-up, certainly. My stance at the time would better be described as toppling shoulder-first into a punt. You wouldn’t know; you weren’t there.

9. Swap around their various potatoes from hall They’ll think they’re getting crocheted potatoes, but actually it’s a sauté they put in their mouth. They settle down for a nice noisette, but – oh you devious you! – find their jaws clamp down on a herby dice instead. The chaos is interminable. We counted once: there are thirty-six different genres of potato in hall.

10.Call the porters on your own party at that one moment when more than six people slipped into the room by accident.

For bonus points, try to get them to do anything about it – and for even more bonus points and an honourable mention in the next issue of Travisty, pull this prank while you and your friends are in a club. And for even more bonus points and a free position of Ethics Editor at Travisty, make it happen to be a club in Georgia or somewhere.

Newsroom cutting floor Articles that were too spooky to make it to final print Trinity officials say the idea of everyone in college knocking on the doors of all life fellows in college on Halloween and shouting “trick or treat” is extremely irresponsible, and that no one should do it or even spread the word about this event. Seriously. Don’t.

Armourer on set of ‘Rust’ found to have studied at Oxford, conviction now inevitable Risk of dementors reaching Trinity deemed low, study concluded not enough happiness in anyone here for it to be worth their while Students advised to ignore possibility that every room in college could have spy cameras in and there would be no way of knowing Alec Baldwin in talks with Junior Bursar to oversee all future disciplinary measures at Trinity Interdisciplinary team of Trinity fellows conclude extensive research and have determined that you need to get your shit together now

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TrintErrorSoc: Your Halloween wardrobe Inspiration Lidija sent me this on the condition no one knows who wrote it - hope this is okay Lids!

So if you’re here, well done. You made it this far. The blood letting, I mean introductory meeting for TrintErrorSoc new initiates from the Fresher blood pool (only come if you’re type A or B, AB positive just doesn’t seem to agree with my stomach), will be taking place at witching hour on the 31st October 2020. And yes, this is to ensure that the contracts are subject to pre-Brexit jurisdictions which were less strict on the actual quality of the blood- blood is blood after all, as any good non-wasteful ESG conscientious company would confirm.

Now in case you’re worried about what to wear, fear not. As found in the fresher’s guide to fresher’s week (in which they conveniently forgot to tell you that freshers’ punting is precisely that, chucking freshers into boats and sending them off to punt for themselves, in the purest sense of the term), TrintErrorSoc are here to allay your worst wardrobe fashion disaster fears. Because we all know Cambridge puts pressure on us to look good, but at TrintErrorSoc, it’s all about looking bad. You know what they say, the worse it looks, the worse it is.

Here are three of our best Halloween Costume Ideas:

1. Pumpkin and The Fuse Like that one time I dressed up as a Christmas tree and actually plugged myself into a wall socket, do the same, just with a pumpkin outfit and some explosive.

2. The Walking Skeleton Caution, this may require use of our ’S*ppuku for Dummies: Your Guide to Self-Corpsifeication’, depending on how skilled you are at showing ‘the bones beneath your skin’ or whatever the T.S. Eliot line actually is. Don’t forget to donate bodies to TrintErrorSoc’s main sponsor, the human soul research division at GCFQ. 3. Cinderella Goes to the Balls So this one may not seem very Halloween themed, but it sure will when Cinderella comes back from the balls. Just what was she doing anywhere near Eoin? (Editor’s note: I don’t know want she’s talking about, I was at a Pizza Express in Woking that night)

And yes we know what you’re thinking- if these are our best ideas, what are our worst? For the absolute bargain price of just 10 litres of your best friend’s blood, you could be the first to find out…

Think you can do better than us? You probably can!

Come to our next writers’ meeting - Monday 1st November, 7pm, JCR! Like our Facebook page, or email us at travistytrinity@gmail.com to subscribe to our mailing list. Or just send us an article with no warning! We’ll take anything.

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One-liners: “What’s your biggest fear?”

Eoin Lidija Arun Alex Leo Kada Dominika Agnijo Misha

Our Glorious leader Winnie the Pooh discovering my actions on June 4th 1989 Emotional connection My own shadow That the Church Fathers are no longer horny To die a virgin Gowers establishing P=NP and thereby rendering the entire trinmo cohort obsolete Turning up one minute late to choir Not having anything to submit for one-liners Having to carve another bloody pumpkin

Riddle of the Week Cold heart but in the chest; blank mind but no dummy - what am I? Do you know the answer? Send it into travistytrinity@gmail.com and you could win a special prize!

Caption Competition

Send your caption into travistytrinity@gmail.com and you could win a special prize!

Last week’s winner: Gabriel Osborne. Winning caption: [PART REDACTED]

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Careers for Women in Academia Alex is obviously enjoying her Ph.D. Nomad

Have you ever dreamed of long summer nights in a tent in the middle of the desert? Of moving miles and miles away every season with all your possessions? In that case, associate lectureships and research grants are for you! You get to move house and change jobs every six months after your funding runs out, see the beautiful landscapes of Germany and the American Midwest, and meet new and exciting people you’ll never see again. Your living wage grant means your diet will also resemble that of the ancient nomads, and we don’t mean the nice stuff they serve at Bedouin, we mean empty carbs.

However, if you choose to actually live in a tent, you might save enough money for occasional booze.

Bear in mind, though, that just like in ancient tribal societies, the fight for survival is fierce: there’s nearly one position available for every ten applicants. But if you were born with the right genitals (or with the wrong genitals, for that matter) you might get lucky and fill a ‘women in STEM’ or some other diversity quota.

The biggest upside for female academics is of course the fact that no man is going to chase you around like that, so you avoid the struggles of marriage and the pain of childbirth. Most of these jobs don’t offer maternity benefits anyway. Yay!

Coffee Maker

So you studied a Law degree at Cambridge and want to become a… *reads smudged writing on hand* barista? That is perfect! As every man born between 1930 and 1969 knows, a woman’s highest intellectual achievement is to make decent coffee. Not that sugary, lukewarm shite my wife Karen makes, am I right?

Best tie your Starbucks aprons well, my ladies, because making coffee is an essential skill in all jobs surrounding academic Humanities. You can become an Editorial Assistant to an academic publisher and make coffee for the senior editor. Or, if you’re well-connected, you could score a job at one of the Big Museums™ and make coffee for ancient curators. Heck, even if you stay and work at University (see above), a disproportionate amount of barista duties is going to fall on your dainty early-career female shoulders.

Swamp Hag

In order to be considered a swamp hag, you must work in a dark, uncomfortably damp environment in isolation from others or with a few other cryptids, i.e. in a lab or a library.

Swamp hagging can be the job you assume as part of your nomadic movements (see above), but you might get lucky and grow some roots in a particularly dark corner. The benefits of this job are that you avoid harassment by male colleagues because you are simply invisible to human eyes.

Diplomat’s Wife

Perhaps, after a decade at university, you come to your senses and realise it is time to take a break.

What better way to spend your rapidly vanishing youth than living in a sunny city? Luckily for you, Cambridge is full of fine young men set to become this country’s legal representatives in fashionable destinations like Paris, Monaco, or even Dubai. And if you think all those years of swamp hagging have rendered you incapable of bagging an eligible bachelor, do not fret! I will tell you all about how to bewitch I mean charm a Mr Darcy of your own… in the next issue.

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Agony Aunt Whether you’ve banged your knee or your sister, Dominika is here to help I don’t know anyone in my household. All we do is mingle, spit and walk in on each other in the shower. I don’t think this is normal, help.

Why yes, funny you should ask…the best advice I have to make better connections is to start being needlessly offensive to them. Chances are, if they think you’re nice, they also think you’re boring. Yes, you’ll lose a few of those freshers’ week friends, but the real ones will become friends, and there’s nothing that solidifies a friendship like a mutual destruction pact.

I accidentally ordered two of the eggs in hall this morning, and - you must believe me, I ate both of them. What do I do, will I be ok? I’m scared.

Ordering eggs at breakfast is an act of stoicism, an act of self-overcoming. If this is not what Marcus Aurelius intended his philosophy for, I don’t know what is.

Every morning I turn up to the library, books in hand, academic grandeur in sight, and heart in mouth. But sometimes, I find that somebody else is sitting in my seat. My seat! Don’t they know I’m autistic?

In such cases like these, I like to pick up my Jordan Peterson hat and steal somebody else’s idea. Take the story of Goldilocks - the main character in this story is the thief and squatter. How dare you assume that this perfect seat, your seat, isn’t also perfect for someone else? Have you no shame? …ah never mind, you should probably hurl Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason at them until they leave in tears. Sound good, Arun?

I’m in love with a Trinmo. What now?

Ask yourself the following question: Are you willing to go to Burrell’s? Didn’t think so.

Help - my friend asked me to marry him as part of a joke and I said yes, but things are getting pretty serious and he’s using the Travisty budget to buy me an engagement ring. How do I stop things before they get serious?

I can’t actually answer this final question, because I’m the one in trouble. Please help.

To have your dirty laundry aired in the next issue of Travisty, send your problems to dm857@cam.ac.uk. Anonymity guaranteed (unless you’re the Ethics officer)

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Mundane Horrors Out of time, ideas and money for a Halloween costume? Alex has you covered Hello fellow weebs… I mean enjoyers of Oriental culture. To spice up (or spice down? is that a word?) your next Halloween party, Travisty brings you the Sino-Japanese tradition of Mundane Halloween*, the Cambridge edition. Here are some costume ideas:

The 9am Saturday Lecture

For this costume, you will need your favourite pyjama pants, mismatched shoes, a fleece (puke stains preferred but not essential), and any random coat. Accessorise with a bracelet from Fez, a big water bottle and disordered lecture notes to complete the look.

For short hair, you will need strong gel to make it really stand up, ideally in different directions.

If your hair is long, just tease it with a brush until sufficiently poofy. You can also exaggerate your eyebags with some dark eyeshadow or add some green concealer to a pale foundation to get that Saturday-morning complexion.

To add a little bit of extra spice, give yourself a spritz of Dior Sauvage Elixir™ (£112 at John Lewis & Partners) – it’ll liven up your look with the smell of a fresh hangover.

Lunchtime in Hall

An all-time favourite that will never go out of style, Lunchtime in Hall requires nothing more than your everyday clothes (the sloppier the better). Should you want to go all out and make yourself look even scarier, you can use the same makeup we described above, with an addition of irritating eyedrops. Now everyone’s going to think it’s exam season! Boo!

To complete this look, you will require some special accessories, which include a tray (stolen from the Hall) with a plate of food (beans can be especially intimidating) and a number of cups filled to the brim with drinks (depends on your confidence in your balance). Voila, now everybody looking at you this Halloween will have to relive the horror and embarrassment of looking for a place to sit in Hall that will haunt them to the end of their days.

The Sudden Fire Alarm

Perhaps the classiest look of today’s compilation, the Sudden Fire Alarm is as versatile as it is terrifying. This look varies depending on the time of night you wish to emulate, so today we will focus on the editors’ favourite – just after midnight.

For Dress Option 1, put on your best dress shirt, a white bow tie and dark suit jacket. You won’t need trousers, although you might want to spice things up with some silk stockings and lace suspenders. Accessorise with a student wearing Option 2.

For Dress Option 2, you will need a) BDSM gear, b) a full set of fencing armour, or c) as little clothing as possible. Then throw on a jacket with the crest of a college that isn’t Trinity and repeat the phrase ‘I’m just going home to my college’ to anyone who looks like a porter.

The Tutor

What is more scary and intimidating than your tutor staring you in the eyes while telling you your essay was absolute garbage? This is exactly the energy we want you to channel with this final look. No need to get too creative with the costume, either – just copy whatever your psychopath of a tutor wears. You’ll be just fine as long as you sit way too close to (or way too far from) people, ask them trick questions about your subject of interest, and tell them to come back during your office hours. *I can’t be asked to explain what that is, go look it up on Reddit

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Cryptic Crossword I don’t know if Agnijo is scarier than usual or that’s how Scottish people celebrate Halloween.

Either way I’m scared to look him in the eyes

Think You’ve Solved It? Email travistytrinity@gmail.com by 11:59pm on Tuesday 9th November with your answers, and you could win a mystery prize!

Last edition winners: Dylan Toh Ziyou Lu Joshua Teo Across

Down

1-Perhaps Emperor William, founder of a state, obtained a visual display (7) 5-Notebook has the truth (5) 8-"Solve 5-5+21": electronic engineer's duty (6,3) 9-In 2000, everyone's part of the family (3) 10-Remove coulombs inside electric current (5) 11-Justify a battlecry? (7) 12-My horn? (3) 13-It's obvious, and above-the-top (5) 14-Tree left in space (3) 15-Do I get confused with 20 leaving Ibiza first, perhaps? (7) 17-Ask why, finally, after 2 queens kidnap you (5) 19-Took test? (3) 20-South American supporter? I hear there's a vast number (9) 22-Plays Doctor Who aboard ship (5) 23-Binds boils, e.g. with 21 (7)

1-Part of 1a, except 2 and 8 (5) 2-Type of power's close to surrounding university (7) 3-1 of group's eternally distraught (5) 4-Obtain 10, but 3 (3) 5-Start out 14 after news show with dance (7) 6-Dream, ending in deep sleep? You'll find one in this clue! (5) 7-Classy MP to make 22 a sign? (7) 11-Rotate what else but 10, 19 after a spin? (5) 12-Second score's changed for votes (7) 13-Water vehicle in Missouri turns to land vehicle (7) 14-3 in Geneva: one's missing late in the day (7) 16-Repeated it too, essentially! (5) 17-In France, who'll be an old writer? (5) 18-Around the North, beasts can be jerks (5) 21-Toreador's got some trouble (3)

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Exhibitionistic Ghost Spotted Gallivanting Across Trinity Grass Kada has seen some things. I don’t know what, I wasn’t there. But things nonetheless.

Note: We applied fake names to all interviewees to protect their privacy.

“At first, it was just a small chill running down my spine,” says Kathleen, a member of the gardening staff at Trinity College, Cambridge. “But then, as I drove the mower wagon a bit further, I happened to glimpse the outlines of a human-like figure.”

This was not the figure of any old townie, but rather an esteemed fellow of the College. “Back then, we would have opened the gates to someone like him without batting an eyelash,” advises Hank, a senior Porter. He rushes to add that “had we known, of course, about his preference for wearing black tie and gown without trousers, proper disciplinary steps would have been taken.”

We proceeded to make an inquiry with the new College Dean, Xavier, who assured us that he is already well aware of the situation. “The ancient fellow was evidently in an advanced state of undress and distress when the reaper came for him,” as he lets us know.

“Our college records do go back for hundreds of years,” Xavier continues. “The ghost was so kind as to introduce himself as Wallace Smith, and our ASNAC colleagues were able to infer from his showoff manners and speech that he read Classics over three hundred years ago.”

One winter evening, Wallace drank too much champagne, celebrating a much-anticipated new volume on Horace and Maecenas with six familiars. After the reception, on his way home to his humble abode, he stumbled into a ditch and fell asleep, never to wake up again.

“Typically, ghosts will return to their favourite places of dwelling, or haunts. When a body is pronounced dead from a medical perspective, the mind is often still quite active, caught up in a daydream of sorts,” demonstrates the College Master, Dame Ursula. “What is remarkable in this case is the extraordinary persistence with which Mr Smith pursues his rather sexual fantasy.”

“Wallace did not respond to any of the earthly garments we attempted to diminish his exposure with,” reports Archeology fellow Gavin. “We are currently researching Egyptian mummification rituals, a successful performance of which could compel Wallace to transcend his attachments in this-world, in order to return into the other-world safely.”

At the end of the day, Wallace continues to spook College students, chasing after intrepid young men while yelling, “memento mori!” The dated ghost is clearly oblivious to any veto of his patronage.

“A quintessential example of small d**k energy,” defines Robin, an HSPS undergraduate currently residing in Great Court. “I wouldn’t want to encounter such a thing on my way to the shower.”

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Horror-scopes You can’t escape Fate - it’s coming for you (“Fate” being the German for Leo Versteegen) Aries [March 21 – April 20]: Saturn is throwing its ring into the hat as the primary source of misery in your life, competing against your alcoholism, your mind-numbing day job and your crippling inability to build lasting human connections.

Mercury is in exaltation, supposedly because it enjoys your suffering.

Taurus [April 21 – May 35]: You should buy Gamestonks since they’re bullish af.

Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: You are going to die very soon.

In a surprising, yet somehow slow and painful manner too.

Tell your loved ones how much they mean to you and speak a prayer. The clock is ticking.

Cancer [Sooner than you’d think]: You will be the one to kill Gemini.

Leo [Wednesdays my dude]: Neptune is your friend this month. It’s ascendent trajectory will lead it into what experts call a “curly-wurly”. That shouldn’t affect your day-to-day life (why would it?), but it’s going to look pretty cool.

Virgo [Thermidor in the year II of the revolutionary calendar]: Play your cards right, and you won’t be a virgin much longer! This is my first time doing horoscopes for Travisty, but I’d wager that some variant of this joke has been made every issue.

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Alongside something about Uranus. But I don’t want to get into that, I just showered.

Libra [A balanced amount of time]: The moon is drawing close to Earth. Problematically close in fact, NASA is worried it might fall down on us. What is more, they believe your “gravitas” is to blame. Lose some weight, fatty.

Scorpio [Das tritt nach meiner Kenntnis…ist das sofort, unverzüglich]: By the moon and the stars in the skies, I’ll be there. I swear, like a shadow that’s by your side, I’ll be there.

Sagittarius [Some month]: You are going to have your period this month. Unless you’re pregnant. Or too old. Or too young. Or a man. Hmm. Chances are, you won’t have your period this month.

Capricorn [When in doubt]: Nothing, literally nothing, of interest is going to happen to you. Not just this month, but ever. Partly because Jupiter is in equinox, but more importantly because you never fucking do anything. Go outside, be active for once! You’re reading horoscopes for fuck’s sake. Is that really a good use of your time?

Aquarius [All year around, but primarily when it’s wet]: An astrological voice is going to inspire you. No wait, my bad.

An astronomical invoice is going

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to ire you. Likely due to the horrendous current gas-prices.

Pisces [Whenever the fuck they want]: Venus is dignified in pisces this month while Mars is in detriment. It is time to set aside old animosities and to give kindness another chance. Now is the opportunity to exercise forgiveness in your grudges. Sun and moon stand in most harmonic alignment, extending a transcendental cosmic energy between them. Maybe you had an argument with a friend or perhaps have recently fallen out of love. Give them another chance, especially in the latter case. You shouldn’t let a little mistake come between you and your soulmate. Andromeda transits before the northern sky to provide you with the courage to absolve yourself from pain and your loved ones from guilt.

Think about it, was it actually that bad what he did? It was only a one-time thing, and he didn’t even enjoy it, plus he was drunk. You know how he gets when he is drunk, and she took advantage of that by seducing him. Sarah, if you read this, please let me into your life again. I love you. I don’t even really like your sister. I made a mistake and I want nothing more than to have you back. I swear it’s never going to happen again. Please, I have nowhere to sleep.

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