Travisty 24 (#89)

Travisty

Hallowe’en Edition FEATURING The Definitive Guide to Seats in the Library - Arun Prabhakar The Ballad of Burrell’s Field - Matthew Sargent Government to Ban Satire - Andrew Ng

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Letter from the Editors

Don’t move. Don’t look. Stand perfectly still. Are you scared? You should be.

It’s coming. It’s almost here. The start of week five.

And what spookiness lies in wait!

Between a second lockdown, the porters coming after you for hosting every single fresher in your room last week, and that Medieval Philosophy reading group on Wednesday you rather intelligently volunteered to lead before realising that election night comes very shortly before it, everyone has something to be scared of.

Thankfully, Travisty is here to help.

Are we going to allay your fears? No. Why would you think that? Instead, we opt for an approach more in keeping with Aristotle’s Poetics. Tragedy on stage serves as catharsis (κάθαρσις) to tragedy in one’s own life, and scary, exclusively Hallowe’en-themed articles filled to the brim with jokes and humour serve as catharsis for, well, the spookies. Alright, I’ll stop. So as you chortle and scoff your way through the coming pages, just remember that Travisty is doing you a moral good. Happy Hallers!

Arun Prabhakar has never been proved to have links to the Kremlin.

Vanessa Tang is being chased by several groups of muttering, pitchfork-bearing angry locals for merging their folk traditions and preserving none of them. She is currently located in the college armoury.

Andrew Ng mentions satire in his article more than the rest of the magazine employs it.

Agnijo Banerjee raided the Trinity chapel in search of only the most ethical words for use in his crossword.

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Table of Contents Page 4

Trinity in Pandemic: The Rules of Life

Matthew Sargent takes up the Byronian mantle, in every sense

Vanessa Tang Page 5

The Definitive Guide to Seats in the Library

Lidija Beric has the privilege of living under the new Napoleon

Arun Prabhakar Page 9

Crossword Agnijo Banerjee !

Page 10 The Ballad of Burrell’s Field

Christian Owen holds some interesting views regarding the Crusades

Matthew Sargent Page 12 New Covid Regulations Editorial Page 13 TrintErrorSoc Doesn’t Return: Break for Hallowe’en

Misha Medvedev has found his Hallowe’en costume

Lidija Beric Page 15 Caption Competition Page 16 Government to Ban Satire Andrew Ng Page 19 Letters to the Editors Page 20 Horoscopes Vanessa Tang

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An Appeal for Holiday Fluidity Vanessa Tang commits plural heresies

Forget about Hallowe’en and join me in blending all the holidays together. This may seem blasphemous, but the possibilities are endless! Here are some examples to get you in the ‘Hallentinemas’ spirit.

Five best holiday themed pick-up lines: 1. For Hallowe'en, you should go as my Valentine.

2. All I want for Christmas is BOO. 3. Trick or treat? Santa would treat me if he brought me you.

4. That blood isn’t part of my costume, Cupid shot me with an arrow.

5. Happy Hallowe'en! I hope your friends and family give you adequate monetary compensation for your company this year. (The least effective, but could be pulled off by the right person).

Five best holiday foods: 1. Tofurky. (May be very scary to some).

2. Candy canes crushed inside a cauldron of mysterious liquid. (Sorry, I’m not licensed to give any more information).

3. Cobweb covered candy hearts.

4. Mouldy mincemeat pies.

5. Panettone. (This is strictly Christmas but deserves a mention nonetheless).

Five best holiday themed songs: 1. The Last Christmas. (It is ominous, so this gets Hallowe’en points).

2. The Power of our Love, which we are celebrating with a dinner and flowers.

3. I wish it could be socially acceptable to dress up every day.

4. Witches roasting on an open fire. (Scary).

5. Happy Christmas (War is a constant threat). (Scarier).

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The Definitive Guide to Seats in the Library Arun Prabhakar still hasn’t found a hobby

You’ve moved into third year, and are rearing to go with your finals. Or you’re a fresher, keen to dive into the intellectual world. Or you’re a second year. You head to the library, lecture notes in tow, MacBook Air in leather shoulder bag, with a spring in your step. But - what’s this? You have to wear a face mask! Inside! Even when you’re sat down and working! Despite its extreme sensibleness, this policy has been known to deter the weak of will. Some people sulk back to their rooms to lie on their beds and aspire to productivity. But not you! No, you, if you are reading this, are the crème de la crème.

The Trinity of Trinity. You’re a right serious library chap, and you want to know the very best places to sit to exude presence, intimidate, and, least importantly, work.

Luckily for you, this author is a veteran of the library. There I am, in my seat (don’t you dare steal it), looking up from my William of Ockham to see you as you walk past. What’s this? Leaving at 4:30pm? Had enough, have we? Well, that’s going in the logbook for sure - sorry? yes, of course, it’s a purely mental logbook. Positive. Little do you know I’ve been judging you the whole time, for where you sit. Not in a judgemental way, naturally, because that wouldn’t be allowed, but judging nonetheless. Now, with this truly definitive guide, you can too.

Wrenside, opposite the Philosophy/History of Science: We’ll start with a nice solid seat. If you sit here you probably know what you’re doing; no Desmonds for you.

The disadvantage is that you’re awfully close to the people walking past. It’s as if you took the aisle seat on a train by choice.

Wrenside, window seat: One of the more involved seats. The window-worker most likely visits the library often, and thinks hard while he’s in there - else I’m not sure what else he could be doing with that long, pensive stare into space. An aesthetic spirit you must be, to need the view of the Master’s garden and John’s backs with you at all times.

You could even write for Travisty.

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Classics section, by the spiral stairs: There is, I’m afraid, something ineffably wrong with the people who sit here. If that’s you then bad luck old chap, you’re probably a lawyer or something. The closeness of so many seats in a half closed-off area sets a bad tone, and the spiral stairs would, in more normal times, invite a motley crew of travellers from the dark expanses known as the Lower Library (more on that later). Do you really want to be exposed to all those people? Cosmopolitan. ’Disconcerting’ is the word.

Classics cubbyhole: But don’t get me wrong, it isn’t Classics itself that is the problem. For the Classics section extends into a second area, smaller and more enclosed. Evidently the Greeks were able to stop committing pederasty for long enough to write a book or two. This cubbyhole is seriously high-quality stuff: proper use of it demands that you walk around in a velvety, crimson gown and have a pipe lodged in your mouth. Rather than working, per se, you pore over books, or more properly, tomes.

I’ve never ventured in there myself.

Midfield, window seat: Like the political spectrum, the centre of the library is definitively the worst place. It’s the extremities you want. There is indeed another window seat, similar to the Wrenside one, but it has little more character than the cheapest wines on the Catering department’s wine list.

Hallside, weird stretchy bit: Oo-arr. There is a very strange occurrence in the half of the library closer to hall which, were something alike to appear in a crystal formation, for instance, would be recognised as an ERROR and purged. I have seen

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people sit here, quite often in fact, but I do not know who they are or what they are doing. They might be on acronym Triposes. We don’t know.

Hallside, window seat: One more window seat graces the clearing that forms around the hallside staircase. More interesting than the middle on, it seems to be the reserve of STEM students (and is unique amongst all seats in being specific thus).

Staircase view: Do you know that feeling? You’re at a reunion with the old boys from school, and you had forgotten just how far they’ve degenerated since they left the benevolent gaze of the schoolmaster. Somebody brings in a bottle of Vodka and some Wotsits and think that genuinely cuts it; another claims not to like red wine. The whole thing is some sort of apathetic atavism. You find yourself wondering what’s going on.

The seat overlooking the hallside staircase is something like this. I know people sit here sometimes, but I just cannot imagine what it would be like to be one of them. To choose the far side of the library of all places, and to look down upon the stairs: truly baffling.

Wren Library: You are a member of the upper middle class, and must be dealt with accordingly.

Wrenside, back corner: The crowds stir. The cheering dims to a pregnant lull. Yes, the man himself has arrived! The crowd breaks into a frenzy as he sits down for his tenth, eleventh, twelfth! hour of work. Only Enoch Powell’s infamous fifteen-hour workday tops this. He is truly the greatest of the library chaps. Would you stoop to take his seat? Would you disrupt his degree with such a cheap trick? Surely not.

Lower library, solitary seat: And with this, folks, we enter the big league. Some people lift twice their own weight; some people can neck a whole bottle of port. And some people work in the lower library. Just think; all the intensity of working, without any of the

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monitoring of personnel, the whispering ‘weak will’ as someone leaves the library before you do. Down here we don’t have other people. It’s just you and the books. The library in its purest form.

Lower library, chad aisle: Still, let’s not delude ourselves. The solitary seat in the lower library gives you the luxury of a table away from the swing of things. It’s tucked away, like a child’s hideout. Child’s play, really. If you are truly insane, you work on the tables in the aisle of the lower library. We normally think of the Athenian messenger Pheidippides as possessing mental fortitude, but those who work here make him look like a Land Economist. There is little more that can be said.

Basement: The ancient Hindu doctrine of the four ages tells of a prehistoric golden era, the Satya Yuga, in which men had an intimate connection to the transcendent. It is said that today, only faint echoes exist of that primordial spiritual tradition. If so, those echoes can be found in the basement of the library of Trinity College, Cambridge. Legend has it that those who dare to go beyond the door labelled ‘If this door is opened after 5pm, the porters will be alerted and the police called’ are blessed with automatic Tripos-topping.

Nevile’s Court cloisters: There you sit, propped up by a column, the very same column that holds up Nevile’s Court itself. You bend one knee up, and rest a book or a pad of paper on it. Of course you aren’t going to get a blind bit of work done, but at this point that’s no longer relevant. The flex is strong.

Whewell’s statue: Do not, under any circumstances, sit over the statue on the grass in Whewell’s Court and work there. That would most certainly not be a good thing to do.

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Crossword Agnijo Banerjee gives words a second dimension. Helped by Andrew Slattery

Think You’ve Solved It? Email travistytrinity@gmail.com by 11:59pm on Sunday 8th November with your answers, and you could win a piece of fudge!

Last week’s winner: Nobody.

Across 5 - Wine made from Ontario jasmine (5) 6, 10 - Protestant ruler has a dream (6, 6, 4) 8 - Start on attack (3, 4) 9, 20 - Inverting Planck momentum provided ultimate challenge (5, 4) 11 - Weird building is roomier (5) 13 - Toni, a GM, plays the French Defence (7) 14 - Censors Communist book (7) 16 - Someone dodgy might return and start enjoying doing this (5) 18 - Fans revolt at umpire, initially - it's a chaotic mess (5) 19 - Nick loses head over amazing tool (7) 21 - Chinese food is sent back at a different time (6) 22 - Burning passion loses pressure - gains resistance (5)

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Down 1 - These might be in Letters to the Editors (10) 2 - Covered every other coolant weld (6) 3 - Won't stop going on about string instrument (4) 4 - Straightening, removing edges of woody material (6) 6 - Setting free a football team's goal (11) 7 - Ultimately, someone going after asylum (7) 10 - See 6 across 12 - Tell about something a politician might demand after an election (7) 15 - Persist for long in China (6) 17 - In the company of a stupid retiring Sergeant without heart (6) 20 - See 9 across

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The Ballad of Burrell’s Field Matthew Sargent pretends he’s ever been to Burrell’s Field

The following poem was rediscovered recently by the sub-librarian of Trinity College, while sifting thought a pile of old manuscripts. It appears to have been written by an undergraduate of the college in the latter half of the eighteenth century, shortly after the acquisition of a tract of land to the west of the main college site, nowadays known as Burrell’s Field. It was a well-known haunt of spooks and spectres back in the early days, having allegedly served as a burial ground for a local druid community. Supernatural activity there has declined in recent years, but the following story – transcribed here, with original spelling retained – is a powerful reminder of the dangerousness of meddling with the forces of evil.

At six o’clock the facultye closed, And we were turfed out tout de suite.

Twas already dark and the local kiddes Were out about, going tricke or treate.

And so we plodded back to college, All the way from the West Cambridge syte.

But at that time we knew not the dangers Of going via Burrell’s on Hallowe’ene nyght.

The four of us were strolling gayly, Totally carefree, just havinge a laugh, Japing and generally being irreverent, When who should materialize at the ende of the pathe – “The headless porter!” we cryed all at once.

(Forgive, deare reader, this lack of coherence; We’d happened to hear of the spectre beforehand, Thus explaining our frighte at his suddenne appearance.

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Please don’t get the impressionn this is but a fable, All the details related are an hundrede percent true.

But if you’re suspiciouss about the truth of my story, Wait to decide tille you’ve read it right through.)

Th’ appalling apparition stood blocking the pathway.

His pallor was horridde, his aura unearthly.

We were certain he wanted to dragge us to Hades, So we fell on all fours and begged him for mercy.

But this didn’t go down well at alle with the goblinn, Who made us to stoppe, with a wave of his hand.

(For, though much of the creature’s behaviour was kryptic, This much we had no trouble in understand – erm – ing.)

“You’ve disturbed my slumber,” the porter asserted.

“And for that an atrocious penalty you’ll paye.

If you fear for your lives, you will do as instructed.

So bring me a pumpkin ‘ere the ende of the daye.”

“I haven’t carved one in such a long time, And would so like to do it again, just for funne.

On reflection, maybe midnight’s a little unreasonable, But you better be back here no later thann one!”

So we scampered away and returned with the pumpkin, And nervously awaited what the porter would say.

But he smiled contentedly and thanked us for helping.

Then he vanished, so the foure of us went on our waye.

If a moral can be drawn from this ghoulish encounterr It’s ‘don’t go disturbing the repose of the dead’.

But if, deare reader, you ignore this wise counsel, Then I’d venture to say you’re a bit wrong in the head.

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That List of New Covid Regulations In Full 1. Face masks must be worn while eating. May I introduce you to the wonderful device known as the IV drip?

2. No communication with members of the opposite sex. It’s just too risky.

3. Don’t bathe your bear in the Great Court fountain whilst within 2m of the porters. This one is just basic common sense.

4. Students must quarantine for two weeks before they may leave the library. Naturally.

5. Queueing in Pret will only be permitted twice per day. Trinity porters will be drafted in to enforce this rule.

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6. All of Trinity is to be turned into a single household. This will maximise our ability to lawfully mix, the downside being that if one person catches Covid the whole college has to self-isolate.

7. Alcohol consumption limited to 52 units per hour. Any more than that and you get too touchy-feely social-distancingbreaky.

8. Students have the privilege of being able to choose which of hall’s 36 varieties of potato they have sent to them while in isolation. Right I’ve run out of jokes so now it’s just ‘haha potato much’

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TrintErrorSoc Doesn’t Return: Break for Hallowe’en Lidija Beric juggles seasonal tradition with her flight from several different intelligence agencies Hahahaha.

Ahahahahaha.

Mwahahahahaha.

Oh we do love tricking, I mean, treating our readers here at TrintErrorSoc. Took the title literally and thought that meant we wouldn’t be in operation during the most festive time of the year - after Bonfire Night, of course, where our new aim will be Girl Fawkes, to keep in with the latest trends of gender inclusivity, écriture féminine, that equality thing etc. etc.

Did your heart skip a beat worrying how to now fulfil TrintErrorSoc’s mission, thinking you may have to take off on your own to finally execute (and just in time too) your New Year’s Resolution of radicalising half of college (the other half being already members, naturally)? Trembling at the idea of coming up with your own plots? Worried that the safety net (now that I think of it, not so much a safety as net as one big hole surrounded by four bits of string) of the one and only TrintErrorSoc and its network of accomplished Errorists will no longer be there to foment with you?

I’d love to say ‘Fear Not’, but I shall actually say something even more cliché: ‘fortuna favorit copraphages’ (or whatever it is). Because yes, alas, we will be taking a very petite little break this year. In our defence, it wasn’t planned. One of our undercover branches (the one just beneath the Master’s Lodge) was in fact organising a bloody spectacular affair for this thirty-thirst… Yet, as you can probably guess from the fact that you’re currently able to read this, the mission didn’t reach what we would call optimum levels of success. Not that the bats escaped exactly- more that something rather unprecedented did escape. As many of our now self-isolating agents can testify, bats were clearly not all that was being bred down there… The planned, let’s say, spectacle, has hence regrettably been postponed. This is not however to be interpreted by our

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members as a green light to shirk their responsibilities and betray their duty and commitment to our noble cause. I thus urge you all to regard this piece of pure eloquence as a call to remember that the show must go on. Even when Hallowe’en passes, what better Hallowe’en surprise than to treat the day after Hallowe’en exactly like Hallowe’en? I’ve personally always supported lengthening Hallowe’en. How come Christmas gets twelve days and Lent gets a whole month? Even Channukah gets eight.

If you, like me, think this is discrimination in the extreme, help get #Hallowe’enMatters trending on Twitter now. If we can celebrate fasting for a month, we can surely afford to celebrate the no more destructive ‘light-hearted fun’ of Hallowe’en for longer than a day.

So, loyal followers, it’s down to you to ensure that this Hallowe’en break does involve some breaking (in/ glass/ bad…you name it). Get creative! Some solid ideas include rotten eggs in pidges (a classic), exploding sweets to pesky trick-or-treaters (think they can trick you, trick them first, as prescribed by one of our most well-known society maxims). And if you’re really struggling for ‘trick’ ideas, just look to XR for some light inspiration - I’ve heard our lawns have been looking rather well lately.

Postscriptus:

To our normal readers, our official reason for the Hallowe’en break is entirely in line with government guidelines: due to the ongoing crisis, Hallowe’en is assumed to have started in March earlier this year, with no end in sight. In the interests of giving the world a break therefore, we have decided to make the 31st a Hallowe’en-mask-free day.

For our non-normal readers and those who do not identify as such, make sure this Hallowe’en break truly is a ‘break’. And rest assured, now that the bats have shown their traitorous colours, we are now advising all members to no longer consort with live bats, and that includes biting off their heads onstage, à la Ozzy Osbourne, no matter how much you might want to.

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Caption Competition

Email your captions to travistytrinity@gmail.com The best suggestion will win a mystery prize - now a rollover from the previous issue!

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Government to Introduce Measures Banning Satire Andrew Ng leaks Dominic Cummings’ next move Readers need not be alarmed: Travisty isn’t funny enough to be considered satire and is thus exempt.

Following widespread unrest throughout the country about standards of recent publications, the government has promised to restrict all satirical magazines, newspapers, and television programmes. Understandably, concerns of free speech have been raised, but Westminster has declined to comment, presumably assuming those gathered to protest would have died of Covid-19 in two weeks’ time, before the bill goes before the House of Commons. A spokesman for Downing Street explained the rationale behind such measures: ‘We have seen an alarming increase in the number of people unable to tell real news articles from satirical ones. Authors have simply been unable to stretch their imaginations to write down a single sentence too far-fetched to be unrealistic. As a result, far too many people have confused the BBC with Private Eye. In order to combat this, we will crack down on all sources of misinformation which are deemed to be too realistic to be true. The ban is a necessary evil, which regrettably will be in place for the foreseeable future.’

Among certain parts of society, the consensus is that the correct solution should be to improve standards of education and update the curriculum to reflect the demands of the modern world, rather than drill into children’s heads that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Such suggestions are clearly preposterous, as children cannot possibly be expected to engage their brains for anything other than rote learning. When the issue was brought to the Secretary for Education in August, he graciously took the time out of his demanding schedule of figuring out how to assign grades to thousands of students who had sat public exams to give the general public answer. A reporter asked him if a Prime Minister capable of stringing together a coherent sentence would be a better role model for impressionable youths and whether said hypothetical Prime Minister would be a better figure to spearhead a campaign about misinformation awareness. Fidgeting with the dice in his hand, sweat dripping down his face, he managed to stammer the words ‘The people elected this Prime Minister, so this Prime

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Minister is what they will have. Who are you to question ?’ Outrage was the overwhelming reaction to the segment when it was aired, with objections coming from the Labour Party leader himself, who called it a ‘an undemocratic attack on our institutions and an unacceptably elitist position to adopt, all the more shameless for having been articulated in front of a watching nation.’ The Equal Opportunities Commission similarly condemned the reporter and the publication for which she worked for ‘believing that incompetence should disqualify someone doing a job’, in particular that the phrasing of the question was ‘discriminatory and ableist against those who are unwilling or unable to talk in a manner deemed acceptable to mainstream society.’ Our counterparts at the Tab agreed, this reporter having overheard a writers’ meeting where they agreed that the reporter should ‘check her privilege’. (This reporter is amazed that writers’ meetings where participants come up with usable ideas actually happen and aren’t a flight of fantasy. Then again the Tab’s idea of usable is of course very different to the high standards Travisty holds itself to.)

Travisty is of course committed to its ethical responsibility of not publishing anything misleading at all, ever, and welcomes the government’s decision. We also condemn the reporter’s ‘insert virtue-signalling insult’ and wholeheartedly agree with ‘insert politically correct phrase’. Travisty hopes that readers too will educate themselves and find themselves on the right side of the debate, not being too disheartened or shocked by the upcoming legislation. Rest assured we will be here every step of the way to provide good, clean, factually accurate entertainment. ______________________________________________________________________

One Liners - Cambridge Versions of Horror Movies Andrew - IT: Life of a CompSci Arun - Alfred Hitchcock’s Trinmo Vanessa - Nightmare on Trinity Street Agnijo - The Cabinet of Dr. Kusukawa Matthew - The Burrells Mathmo Project* Lidija - The Nightmare before Bridgemas [Note: Starred items are what the contributors in question most likely would have said had they replied to my email.]

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Cocktail of the Week The Bloody Scary INGREDIENTS: - Vodka - Fresher juice - freshly squeezed, to

METHOD: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

approximate the hue of tomato - Four daily updates from the Vice Chancellor - 750ml of Tabasco sauce, for good measure

Fill a glass with crushed ice, and then eat it to numb yourself in preparation for the impending lockdown.

Pour six to eight measures of vodka into the glass.

Toss the fresher juice in. Use a filter to hold back the meatiest parts. Add Tabasco sauce to taste.

Sprinkle the printouts of Stephen Toope’s daily updates, making sure to spread them evenly.

Imbibe, feeling your spine tingle every time you get a Toope.

Think you can do better than us?

You probably can!

Why not come to our next writing group? Like our Facebook page, or email us at travistytrinity@gmail.com to subscribe to our mailing list. Or just send us an article with no warning! We’ll take anything.

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Letters to the Editors I kid you not you really are allowed to write in Dear Esteemed Editors,

You call this a ‘Hallowe’en’ edition, despite only 13% of the articles being about Hallowe’en. The only scary thing about your magazine is the *frightful* lack of seasonal awareness..

P. D’Ántic.

Dear P. D’Ánt: I genuflect in apology as I write this, but I fear the feature may not show in writing. If it’s any consolation, you are welcome to contribute to our Bridgemas edition to balance out my article ranking Cambridge’s coffee shops by bougieness, or something like that.

To the indicted,

It has come to my attention that your publication is bookended by a Horoscope. My extensive reading in involved theory tells me that astrology is, in effect, racism. The astrological conditions one was born under vary with the place on Earth in which one was born, rendering the institution intrinsically backward - did you not know that there is only one race, the human race? Not to mention the hopeless geocentrism of a conceptual framework that can apply only on one planet. How can Mercury be in retrograde for you if you were born on Mercury? I expect many readers found this segment offensive.

Claretta Whyte-Sayvéure.

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Hmm.

To whom it may concern,

I am somewhat, if I may say so, concerned by your failure to explicitly condemn ORANGE MAN BAD in your issue published so close to the U.S. elections. Orange man in fact bad, but I have not had this rammed down my throat while attempting to enjoy a spot of light humour with my afternoon tea. Your failure to endorse Black Lives Matter is also disgraceful. What gives?

Surrey Dweller

Dear Mr. Dweller: Yes, well. You may think very nearly all Trinity students are anti-Trumpers, but new research from Travisty Analytica suggests that as few as 56% of Trinity students are Biden supporters. Isn’t that a bit low? A Biden fan might even want to increase that number. But at Travisty we endeavour to represent the student body at large: in fact we never try to tell you what to think, or send thinly veiled messages. As such we chose not to publish the obligatory moan about Trump.

Editors dearest,

I am a great fan of your upstanding publication, which I have been

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following since several defundings ago.

Thus I was distraught to find that a second issue would be online only, with no printed copy to leaf through while gnawing a hall sausage. I understand that Covid NHS R-number etc., but I fear I may not be able to go on much longer like this.

Pteppic L. Reider

Mr. Reader, understandable though your anguish is, history is on the side of Travisty. You see in light of the upcoming second lockdown, our decision to stay online is vindicated.

It in fact had nothing to do with sloth, and everything to do with epidemiological foresight.

Now listen here you,

Contrary to the tone adopted in Mr. Ng’s article, satire is no laughing matter. The spread of fake news in publications such as yours is a scourge upon our society. I happen to know that satire is in fact completely superfluous: I’ve gone without for my whole life, and turned out none the worse for it.

Matt Hancock

Thank you for your letter.

We take your concerns seriously, and will endeavour to get back to you soon.

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Horoscopes Vanessa Tang is on the run from several angry Enlightenment astronomers Aries You’ve emailed the Works team to no avail.

In these COVID times, no one wants to come in and rescue you. Besides, no one believes you. But we know. It isn’t the creaking of the pipes. It isn’t your neighbour opening their drawers. It is among us. It is too late.

Taurus I’m really scared of you.

Gemini You will receive a knock at your door. It won’t be trick or treaters.

Cancer Double double toil and trouble / You hate your household bubble Leo This Hallowe'en promises to be a full moon. This means you won’t have to buy a costume. Feel free to be your hairy self but remember to eat well before you head out lest Floreat Pica

your peers start looking particularly tasty.

Virgo Everyone has been talking about what you did. Haven’t you noticed them looking at you as you walk in hall?

Personally, I still kind of like you if that is any consolation.

Libra Stop eating out. Stop it.

Stop. It. Scorpio There are a lot of ways to get your work done quickly. Personally, I recommend witchcraft.

You will need: a lock of your supervisors hair, the blood of a mathmo, and a splash of trinity blue.

The spell is available in the Restricted Section of the Trinity Library. Try WC317.21. You’re welcome.

Mainsbury’s buy some lights for your room.

Fairy lights. And some tinsel. They’ve got mince pies as well. It’s Christmas now.

Capricorn Please get a better costume than last year.

You can’t just put on glasses and call it a day.

Aquarius In the cards for you are the Five of Swords, the Queen of Cups, and The Fool. I don’t usually believe this kind of stuff but judging by the last one I think I’ve really got you this time.

Pisces You aren’t going to be able to carve pumpkins this year. Maybe you should stop bringing that knife everywhere around with you. It is starting to get weird…

Sagittarius It’s getting darker earlier.

Next time you go to

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