Travisty 12 (#77)

TRAVISTY #12

Freshers’ Week edition

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Letter from the Editors

Alexander Chamberlain and Kerem Ergene introduce Trinity’s premier newspaper

W

elcome, Freshers and seasoned Trinitarians alike. It’s a new year, a new beginning, and a new chance to make the same mistakes all over again. For the Freshers out there who haven’t yet caught up on Trinity’s politics, last year was one of fire and ice. Weather ranged from unbearably hot to chillingly cold, but never seemed to find that happy medium we longed for. One minute courts were blanketed with snow; the next a car fire rendered parts of New Court uninhabitable.

One minute Travisty meetings were heated and borderline violent; the next Manji’s icy heart and general lack of ethics made us shiver. With all eleven of our past issues now behind us, we present a guide to life at Trinity. It’s like the Freshers’ Handbook, but people actually read it.

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n this week’s issue, our creative team have written plenty of articles to help you (re)adjust to life in Cambridge. From Harry’s definitions of ubiquitous Cambridge terminology (Page 9), to Fedor’s run down of where best to find your caffeine fix (Page 14—the article, not the caffeine), we’re sure that you’ll find something useful here. And in a daring new first, Travisty has decided to publish an anonymous Op-Ed detailing the inner working of the O’Brien administration (Page 18). Critics are already calling it “worthy of a Pulitzer Prize” and “without a doubt the most important article of the summer”. What’s more, Travisty has commissioned a piece of artwork for the first ever Caption Contest (Page 11). We invite you to test your wit and submit your best captions for a chance of winning a selection of novel prizes. That’s right; this year, we aren’t just giving away laundry cards.

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rinity College is a wonderful place to spend the next <insert how ever many years you have left of your degree>. There will almost certainly be times when you’ll hate it and there will be times when you question whether studying your subject was the right thing to do, but Cambridge was never designed to be easy. You’re here because world leaders in your subject believed in you. You deserve to be here. Sometimes you may feel trapped, but that’s what Stockholm syndrome is for, right?

Best of luck starting the new year.

An Appeal

A major crisis looms in Travisty. Armed with just seven writers, Travisty is fighting a losing battle against the increasing amount of news in Trinity.

Donating just one article per term will help protect Travisty from the impact of deadlines on submissions.

Donating three articles per term will help ensure that Travisty continues to publish its regular issues, even through the harshest of winters.

Unfortunately, we cannot accept Gift Aid on articles.

Kerem Ergene

On a serious note, we’re always on the lookout for new writers and new content. This term, we’re also looking for a new Editor and Ethics Editor. Email travistytrinity@gmail.com to find out more!

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The Editors A lexander Chamberlain Our newest Travisty Editor, Alexander likes badminton, boardgaming, and filming YouTube videos. He dislikes writing about himself in the third person.

K erem Ergene Unsatisfied with the size of his room in second-year, Kerem moved into the Bar. More recently, he’s obtained ownership of the property through squatters rights. He’ll be installing a bed by Week 3.

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In This Issue

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Meet the creative team behind this week’s issue

Letter from the Editors Travisty Editors An Appeal

Kerem Ergene

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This Issue’s Contributors Travisty Editors

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Headlines and Weather Travisty Writers

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Aunty M

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Freshers’ Week Dos and Don’ts Jovan Powar

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How to Make Enemies Arjun Banwait

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Glossary of Cambridge Harry Metrebian

10 Cryptic Crossword 11 Caption Contest One-Liners

Uncle A

Andrew Sellek Kerem Ergene Travisty Writers

12 What’s On in Cambridge Mina Frost Cocktail of the Week Alexander Chamberlain 13 Half-Baked Help

Caroline Bassett

14 Camrbidge Coffee Shop Guide Fedor Misyura 16 The Art of Conversation Alexander Chamberlain 18 I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the O’Brien Administration Anonymous 20 Horoscopes

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Kerem Ergene

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A ndrew Sellek Communicates exclusively with cryptic clues.

A rjun Banwait Once burnt his hand on a hob ‘trying to tell if it was on’.

Caroline Bassett Our token humanities student.

Newly joined Travisty to help teach Fedor how to read.

Fedor Misyura Reads Engineering as a degree.

Reads The Very Hungry Caterpillar in his spare time. Recently made it to Page 4 in one sitting.

H arry Metrebian Would be called the ‘Susie Dent of Oxbridge’, had Susie Dent not in fact gone to Oxbridge.

Jovan Powar Half man, half magpie. Former Travisty Editor. Defected to standup comedy for the exercise.

Mina Frost Former Ethics Editor. Fired for being too ethical.

FREE OBJECT MISSES MANAGEMENT TRIPOS OFFER

Gormley sculpture to leave Trinity after last-ditch attempt to stay fails As the new academic year begins and hordes of fresh-faced freshers fescend upon Trinity, the greetings exchanged by reuniting students this Week can be heard taking on an unusually somber tone.

“How was your summer?” goes the usual refrain, as most years, cheerfully chirped in a brave attempt to recall the rhythms of human connection. “Great!” comes the perennial dishonest response. Both parties pause. The summer was not Great. It was lonely. For company the medics had only piles of unread books; for the englings, piles of read ones. For the mathmos, soulless financial internships; for the economists, soulless parents. “...did you hear?” The inevitable question, mumbled in hushed tones.

“About Free? Yeah.”

No one had heard from Free Object over the summer, at least not directly. Prominent in College almost to the point of intrusion, last year everyone had known Free Object.

The tall Trinitarian topped The Tab’s Top Ten BNOCs of May Week 2018, no doubt tipped by their stunning cameo in the May Ball fireworks. But after that, no one had heard from Object. No posts on Snapchat or Facebook, not on their Insta or Finsta, not a hint of what they’d been up to. Friends and frenemies alike were perplexed.

“I went from seeing Free every day to complete cold turkey,” Jamie Franklin told Travisty. “For a while I didn’t think anything of it, everyone sort of drops off the map at the start of summer. But when it was the middle of August, I got worried. Then I remembered how quiet Free had been before I’d last seen ‘em. Eventually I put two and two together, which was really hard and took about a month.” Jamie is beginning his third year of the Engineering Tripos. “It must have been exam results.”

Before long, rumours began to swirl online amongst the vacationing Trinity students—the TCSU-in-exile, if you will.

The Interrailing-on-daddy’s-money, if you won’t. Before long, Jamie’s suspicions were confirmed when Toby Morland—that weird second-year classicist—uploaded an album to Facebook of every 2018 class list posted at Senate House. When Travisty reached out to Morland for a comment on the ethics of sharing such private information in a public forum, a booming voice was heard from the Master’s Lodge, which was very scary and Travisty promptly legged it.

The class lists clearly showed that Free Object had failed to attain a 2.1 or higher in their Tripos examinations. Friends and admirers of Free Object knew that this meant that Object’s last ditch attempt to stay in Cambridge for one more year, by studying the Management Tripos, had failed.

“It’s a real shame. I’ve tried calling, but I can’t really say what’s going through Free’s mind right now,” said Jamie.

Despite Object’s short stay at Trinity, none can doubt the impact they have left on the student body. A polarising figure, Free Object has elicited strong opinions, which, in Travisty’s frank opinion, often bordered on outright prejudice—it was not uncommon to hear students loudly complain that Free Object was “completely out of place here”, “an eyesore”, with some even going so far as to say that Object “detracted from the College”.

But despite the hate Free Object found at Trinity, the past year also brought love.

Mimi Hopper, Free Object’s girlfriend, spoke candidly to Travisty.

“Obviously it’s a huge blow for Free, but it’ll be alright. We’ve still got each other,” Hopper told Travisty with a smile. “We’re still figuring out what this means for our relationship, and yeah that means like, lots of difficult talks over Skype. Like, last time it was so emotional, we ended up not even talking, we just looked into each other’s eyes the whole time.”

At the time of writing, Free Object is enjoying one of their final days in Trinity by relaxing on the Backs. Travisty wishes them all the best.

Jovan Powar

COLLEGE DENIES EXISTENCE OF GREAT COURT SNIPER

Trinity College Cambridge has denied the existence of the legendary Great Court Sniper, in what appears to an effort to put Freshers at ease for the first few weeks of term.

The Great Court Sniper has been rumoured to exist since 1546, and was reportedly once a flourishing species evolved from Homo sapiens. Most easily recognised by their remarkable marksmanship and their apparent ability to stop ageing after reaching 20 years’ old, the Homo atriamaxima have greatly diminished in numbers recently,

caused by both their frequent abduction for scientific trials and their susceptibility to involving themselves in international diplomatic disputes.

Famous past Great Court Snipers have supposedly included Gavrilo Princip, Mark David Chapman, and Lee Harvey Oswald.

The only member of the species currently alleged to exist is Hazel Ashley.

“Did you seriously just ask me whether I exist? Admissions tests must have become far less stringent these days,” Hazel said, in

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an exclusive interview with Travisty. “I’ve been working for the College for over three centuries and this is how they repay me. Just look at the grass: would it really be that neat if I weren’t there to stop tourists and students walking over it willy-nilly?”

Kerem Ergene Despite the claims issued by the College, Travisty can confirm that there is at least one surviving Great Court Sniper, Hazel Ashley. We would therefore advise all new students to avoid stepping on the grass: Great Court looks far less spectacular when the grass is red.

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TRINITY DECLARES WAR ON ST JOHN’S Comrades, the promised day has finally come! Our great Trinity College has declared war on that bastion of evil, that stronghold of snobbery, that defender of privilege and the old guard, St John’s! Sound the trumpets!

Beat the drums! Raise your voices, as at last we shall march to fight our sworn enemies!

How long shall we march? We shall march until our feet bleed, we shall march until we wear away the very ground beneath us, we shall march… oh. We’ll just walk down the road? Not even as far as Hong Kong Fusion?

Okay then. Um. Why do we hate them so? For their continued clinging to outdated tradition! For their outright refusal to work to improve equality!

For their outrageous, gluttonous riches and wealth—

TRINITY DECLARES TRUCE WITH ST JOHN’S

Caroline Bassett

Travisty Event Think you can do better?

Want to find out more?

Come along to our Freshers’ event: 7:30 pm Saturday 6th October Junior Parlour

WEATHER FORECAST

Central Cambridge: The sun’s out, and so is everyone! Make the most of the last beautiful days before the cold, hard winter comes, along with the dozens of deadlines.

Within a few weeks, lo and behold, the brown leaves will start falling and littering

the ground, not unlike your expectations in supervisions and your amount of reading.

On the upside, autumn in Cambridge is extremely Instagrammable.

Cindies: Rainy with a chance of foam floods.

Mina Frost

troubles remembering her name, described how she actually enjoyed the music in Fez on Friday night.

The WPR (Works Project Regulator), Alex Stewart, later contacted Travisty to offer an explanation.

ECSTASY FOUND IN COLLEGE WATER SUPPLY Water quality tests run by the Cambridge University Sanitation Society have detected ecstasy in the the water supply to Trinity College’s gyp rooms. This news follows the recent renovation of the College’s water network, which has allowed the College to move away from unfiltered Cam water for the first time since the College’s inception.

When announcing the renovations last June, the College stressed that the upgraded network would provide major health benefits to students, claiming that forecasts indicated a notable drop in rates of dysentery within College. While cases of dysentery are indeed at an all time low, this has already been overshadowed by widespread complaints of hallucinations and memory problems. Most worryingly, one particular student, who didn’t choose to remain anonymous but had

Following questioning on Saturday, Jesse Davis, director of the Works Department, announced that the department would be conducting a thorough investigation to determine the source of the drug.

“Wait, did you say ecstasy? That can’t be right; we definitely ordered modafinil. Alex, you did order modafinil, right?

“Why would we even want to give our students ecstasy? The students aren’t meant to be having fun; they’re meant to be working. This won’t help us get back to the top of the Tompkins Table. We’ll obviously look into this.”

“I asked Jamie Franklin, our intern, to order us modafinil, but he’s a bit inexperienced with dealers on the dark web. He accidentally clicked molly on the drop down list instead.

“This is typical Jamie: he’s always late for work, he never puts the right number of sugars in my coffee, and now he’s done this.

Let’s just say he won’t be coming back next summer.

“We’ve ordered enough to last for a year, so I guess we’re stuck with this now. There’s no point in that money going to waste.”

CUSU’s welfare team was contacted, but declined to comment.

Kerem Ergene

MCDONALD’S REOPENS WITH ILLUMINATED DANCE FLOOR Cambridge residents got a surprise when, after a long refurbishment over the summer, McDonald’s on Rose Crescent finally reopened, with an illuminated dance floor, inflatables, and disco balls, instead of the promised self-service kiosks.

“We realised that people weren’t treating McDonald’s with the respect it deserves,” he told Travisty. “It shouldn’t just be a fast food outlet; it should be a way of life. And that way of life involves dancing through the night to ABBA and the Bee Gees.”

new McDonald’s, as she is already “bored stiff of all the Cambridge clubs”. However, a third-year classicist told us he would stage a boycott: “What was wrong with all the Mozart and Haydn they used to play? It’ll be Gardies for me from now on.”

Branch manager Dave Pocklington explained that the change was part of a nationwide effort to make Maccies trendier.

Students have expressed mixed views on the renovation. One second-year historian says that she “can’t wait” to experience the

Representatives of Vinyl Cambridge were contacted but were unavailable for comment.

Harry Metrebian

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Aunty M

Travisty’s agony aunt returns to solve your most pressing concerns

Dear Aunty M,

Dear dubious student,

I’ve met a man who’s perfect for me. Smart, handsome, funny. The only problem is that he goes to St John’s. Does true love really have no barriers?

What shall I do?

How dare you accuse me of being a cheap knock off! Oh, the insult. I’m the real thing.

From my head to my toes.

It’s not like anyone’s going to use machine learning to analyse every article’s writing and infer that I’m indeed one of the Editors trying to fill up space in the issue. To your question, I reply with a question: how dare you?

Next you’ll accuse me of not being an actual Aunty.

Sufferer of unrequited love Dear sufferer of unrequited love, Dump him! Break it off with him immediately. He’s a member of the enemy. The opposition. Remember this is a war that we’re fighting.

He’s just trying to use you to uncover Trinity secrets.

He’s probably a Johnian spy.

Remember that every battle we fight will help us win the war. Did Romeo and Juliet teach you nothing?

Bad things happen when love sparks between warring factions.

Aunty M — Dear Aunty M, I’ve heard rumours that you’re not the original Aunty M and are actually just a budget knock off. Is this true?

Dubious student

I will answer your question: no. You cannot change. But do not fret, Trinity will soon fend of the Usurpers and reclaim its rightful position.

There are rumours that the pure Part II Mathematics questions were made deliberately harder in an act of sabotage to knock Trinity from the top spot.

The truth will be revealed as investigations continue.

Aunty M —

Aunty M — Dear Aunty M, I just found out that Trinity isn’t top of the Tompkin’s Table anymore! Is it too late to change my College to Christ’s? I thought it was guaranteed that Trinity would remain in first for the eighth year running. I feel cheated.

Infuriated Fresher Dear infuriated Fresher, I was ever so surprised that a Fresher was aware of my existence before arriving at Trinity, let alone would send me a message. Nonetheless,

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Dear Aunty M, Every year I go home for the summer and then come back to discover some of my friends in the upper years have disappeared! What’s happened to them?

Concerned friend Dear concerned friend, Don’t worry yourself, your friends are okay! They’ve gone to live on a butterfly farm. They certainly haven’t graduated and been thrust out into the dangerous real world, that’s for sure.

Aunty M

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Freshers’ Week Dos and Don’ts Your Welfare Officer* presents some invaluable advice for the future

Do go to lectures.

Don’t modafinil.

Do be nice to the Bar staff.

Do restore Trinity to its rightful place at the top of the Tompkins Table.

Do make friends at other Colleges.

Don’t talk about your public school education.

Do get involved with access.

Do write for Travisty.

Don’t eat the gluten-free food in the Bar.

Do write for Travisty.

Do go to 1TQ.

Do get to know the Porters.

Do lose your key, and get to know the Porters.

Don’t antagonise your Bedder.

Don’t talk about the REDACTED in the Master’s Lodge.

Do go up the clock tower with Hugh Hunt.

Do write for Travisty.

Don’t stay in the department after 7 pm.

Don’t stay in Cindies after 2 am.

Don’t work in the Bar.

Don’t engage Hugh Hunt in conversation.

Do go to TCSU Open Meetings—there’s pizza.

Do use protection.

Don’t sign up for Wine Society tastings—they’re oversubscribed and I never get to go.

Do do the right thing.

Do praise His Majesty the Bird.

Don’t do your College parents.

Do write for Travisty.

Do try standup with Magpie.

Do, seriously, do be nice to the Bar staff.

Do pluralise do as dos.

Do go on swaps.

Don’t pluralise don’t as don’t’s.

Do make friends with medics.

Don’t walk on the grass.

Don’t sit on the grass.

Don’t throw up in the street.

Don’t throw up in the Bar. Don’t throw up in Freshers’ Formal.

Don’t smoke the grass.

Don’t use the staircase as a toilet. Didn’t think we had to spell that one out for you animals.

Do write for Travisty.

Do go to Franco Manca.

Do overeat at brunch.

Don’t go to Curry King.

*Jovan Powar, not at all associated with TCSU

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How to Make Enemies

Arjun Banwait proposes a new kind of networking Imagine going a day without fantasising about at least one murder, three acts of arson, and a couple counts of grievous bodily harm. Living without enemies is boring, and accordingly it is necessary that you’re well equipped to make some straight out of Freshers’ Week.

To start off, it is well known that you keep your friends close and enemies closer, so work towards making enemies of the people on your floor. This is achievable with a few easy moves such as leaving hair in the shower, leaving bad smelling stuff in the kitchen, and (my personal favourite) urinating on the rim of the communal toilet and not wiping it up repeatedly for an entire year even though you’d think its impossible to miss that badly, but no, somehow you miss over, and over, for an entire fucking year.

Having made enemies on your floor, if you really want a close enemy then who better than your Bedder? To get the person who empties your bins and makes your bed every day on the wrong side of you, be sure to leave passive aggressive notes about things that probably aren’t under their control. A favourite of mine is to complain about the age of the building or to question why you’ve been fined for projectile vomiting across the only staircase in the building.

Now that you’ve got your close enemies, just as no shooting game

is fun without a sniping mechanic, you need some more distant opponents—the kind that you have to pretend to be nice to in front of others because you don’t know them well enough to be on fully-fledged bad terms, but that you’re able to make ‘joking’ insults about in front of as many people as possible. To acquire some of these, go to lectures and lurk next to seats, then lunge for a seat as another tries to sit down, or go to a political society to which you have no allegiance and smile smugly as you correct their inferior economic policy and laugh at their ill-informed views on social issues. If either of these tactics fail, there is also just being a dick when first being introduced to people through your overlapping social circles.

Employing the aforementioned ‘joking insult’ tactic before asking their name is a sure-fire way to get someone thinking “What an asshole!”

This type of enemy is hard to acquire and harder still to keep, requiring some good timing and skill to maintain the low-level animosity and petty insults. To keep a healthy toxic relationship, I recommend sending indirect messages; a one-line Snapchat story against a black background ought to keep the fire burning or, if you’re feeling really creative, organise some form of night out with their friends but don’t invite them (the key to this is making sure they know it’s happening).

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With close enemies and distant enemies, all that’s really left is the middle ground, so we need to find someone you’ll have semi-regular contact with. For this category of enemy, the optimal choice is a supervisor; all you need do is be inherently awful at their module and then be indignant when they try to help you in supervisions. This strategy has never failed, with accomplished academics somehow not appreciating hostility as they attempt to teach you the topics that they’re world leaders in. Key ways to nurture a bad relationship in this way include: defensively blaming the lecturer; claiming the supervisor is wrong and whipping out a textbook to prove it; and (perhaps the easiest method) consistently handing work in late (or not at all) with no real reason and then turning up late (or not at all) to supervisions.

Being surrounded by enemies, you now have the grounds to exercise your imagination to your heart’s content: you can fill those boring walks to and from the library with vivid daydreams about murders, spend the queue for Sunday brunch thinking about keying that supervisor’s car, and sit in lectures wondering how it would sound if you threw that guy out of the window.

Get Involved Like what you’ve read?

Join the team.

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Glossary of Cambridge Harry Metrebian’s guide to Cambridge terminology

Boat Club: A great way to meet new people, and you get used to the early mornings.

Cindies: One of Cambridge’s premier nightlife establishments.

Played the whole of Bohemian Rhapsody once. Formerly known as “Kuda”.

Cobblers: Trinity’s dri… People who mend shoes.

Formal: Formerly a replacement for pre-drinks. Now just an overly expensive dinner.

Girton: The most distant Cambridge College. Its highly elliptical orbit around the sun takes about 220 years and it will next be visible from Earth in the year 2138.

Great Court: Trinity’s main courtyard. It was the largest fully enclosed courtyard in Europe until someone built a doorway leading out of it.

Joe Court: Trinity’s least-known courtyard, and the only one to have written for Travisty.

Kerem: One of the Editors of Travisty. He never actually got a place at Trinity; he just turned up here one day. At first it was thought that he was a human, but it is now known that he is actually a very realistic-looking android.

Lectures: A great way to meet new people, and you get used to the early mornings.

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Life: Unfortunately you won’t have much time for this during Term, so enjoy it during the next few days. Also a common nickname for Cindies.

Magdalene: Pronounced “magda-lin” to distinguish it from the similarly named Oxford College, which is pronounced “mawd-lin”.

Mathmo: A person who does maths, or indeed anyone who spends more than 99% of their time in their room. Avoid looking into a Mathmo’s eyes for more than five seconds at a time, as this will turn you into a Mathmo.

Matriculation: The ceremony at the end of the year when people receive their degrees.

May Balls: Expensive allnight black tie parties held by some Colleges in June. Not to be confused with June Events, which are held in May. Nevile’s Court: The court that isn’t Great Court or New Court (or Joe Court). It is said that Isaac Newton discovered the speed of sound here, but this is unlikely to be true as Newton was a Mathmo and very rarely, if ever, ventured outside his room.

New Court: As its name suggests, this court is around 200 years old. Prince Charles once lived in a room here, where he kept a bear. The bear attended all lectures, and received a 2.1, while Prince Charles only received a 2.2.

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The Porter’s Log: Like Travisty, but hasn’t been sued for libel.

Queens’: This College is unusual as it changes its name from Queens’ to Kings’ depending on the gender of the current monarch. When the monarch is a king it can only be distinguished from King’s by the position of the apostrophe and the relative lack of weed.

St John’s: Trinity’s main rivals.

Their Fellows are only allowed to eat swans (and the Queen, but none have tried that yet).

Shark: A person who marks your work and goes through it with you at supervisions.

Supervisor: Someone in a higher year who tries to get with Freshers.

The Tab: Like Travisty, but doesn’t even pretend to be funny.

If you’re interested in writing for The Tab, we kindly ask you to consider writing for Travisty instead.

Tompkins Table: An attempt by the Fake News Media to discredit Trinity! MAKE TRINITY GREAT AGAIN! Travisty: Trinity’s best (and only) comedy newspaper.

Interested in writing for Travisty?

Email Kerem and Alexander at travistytrinity@gmail.com.

Trinity Bar: A great way to meet new people (and Kerem, who actually lives here instead of his room).

Cryptic Crossword Andrew Sellek’s Brunch brainteaser

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Prize: Slice of fudge + signed copy of this week’s issue.

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Like what you’ve read?

Join the team.

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The winner will be announced in the next issue.

Get Involved

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Email travistytrinity@gmail.com with the crossword answers by 23:59 on Sunday 7th October to be in with a shot of winning the prize.

The winner will be drawn at random from all completed solutions.

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Email: travistytrinity@gmail.com

Across Across 99 Weight of a snow leopard (5) Weight of a snow leopard (5) 1010 Iliad, Iliad, at heart, about at heart, is about is struggle (3) struggle (3) 1111 Confuse Confuse tread water, but(5) not quietly (5) tread water, but not quietly caused by weed dug withoutdug energy 1212 Condensation Condensation caused byupweed up(3)without energy 14 Infant roams about the other place, initially makes Great Court flower (8) (3) 15 Search for the southern tin (4) 1416 Insect Infant roams about reported to exist (3) the other place, initially makes Great Court flower (8) country, evidently a Hellenic Republic (6) 18 Guardian header about top European returnsfor - about one found tin in church 1520 Tara Search thefifty southern (4) (5) 16 Insect reported to exist (3) 18 Guardian header about top European country, evidently a Hellenic Republic (6) 20 Tara returns—about fifty-one found in church (5) 22 I ration talcum: shocking admission (13) 26,19d Accommodation for regal count, perhaps (5, 5) 27 Man takes time, with afterthought, then adds these to 3 (6) 30 Psychic agent left out building blocks (3) 33 A modicum, a little bit of, a curio tautologically (4) 34 Splendour seen when you are heard to be chasing danger, madly! (8) 35 Party roll with new filling (3) 37 Sliding abacus without a use in diving (5) 38 Tool used to scrape off end of footwear (3) 39 More pleasant, like French city? (5)

Down 1 Romulus, adoptively, houses Freshers (7) 2 Follow paper upset during first editions's editing (5) 3 For example, the leaders of large empries— totalitarians to elected rulers—are each one of these (6) 4 Doglike: state a number (6) 5 Ancient party, returning student attending (3) 6 Masters grow edge of jaw for mouth (3) 7 Learning about coin, one seen in a long time (9) 8 Rip unknown to house Royal Navy base (7) 13 Organ for hearing? Yes! (3) 16 Belgium is a dilemma for Hamlet (2) 17 Direction, like in Alien (4) 19 See 26a 21 Staff escape beans (9) 23 A law concerning a reign? (4) 24 Made man: one thousand. Wandering Sofia: none. (7) 25 After first lecture, setter and Barry, dazed, go here to study (7) 27 Exclaim thus: "Darn!" (2) 28 Aviators lurking in lair, menacingly (6) 29 Nina falls back into endless pit, making sandwiches in Italy (6) 31 Milligan endlessly produces gunge (3) 32 Trace showed up love, perhaps (5) 35 Blair, oddly, was once called to here (3) 36 One in 24 in 18 needs hip replacement (3)

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Caption Contest One-Liners Your chance to win big by captioning Kerem Ergene’s latest masterpiece

Words of wisdom from Travisty’s writers

Things We Wish We Knew as Freshers A lexander Chamberlain Freshers’ Flu is real.

A ndrew Sellek Sunday Brunch is the solution to all problems.

A rjun Banwait It’s not drinking water.

Caroline Bassett How to get anywhere in this godforsaken town.

Email travistytrinity@gmail.com by 23:59 on Sunday 7th October with your best caption to be in with a shot of winning a prize.

1 Place: £10 Amazon voucher + 2nd place prize.

2nd Place: Slice of fudge + 3rd place prize.

3rd Place: Signed copy of this week’s issue. st

To get you started, here’s a few of our favourites from the Travisty writers: • •

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“It’s taken several hours, but we’ve finally come up with our first article.” Kerem Ergene

Kerem’s attempt to write the twenty-first century’s first great piece of English literature got off to a bad start when he realised his typewriter only had fifteen keys. Harry Metrebian “I’m going to need a lot more paper if I’m going to write this novel.” Jovan Powar

Winning captions will feature in the next issue.

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Fedor Misyura The Engineering Tripos syllabus.

H arry Metrebian Keeping your door open with obscure late-seventies’ soft rock playing doesn’t help you make friends.

Jovan Powar Go to lectures. For Christ’s sake, just go to lectures.

K erem Ergene Editing Travisty is not substitute for having a personality.

Mina Frost Fireball does not count as one of your five a day.

What’s On in Cambridge?

Mina Frost gives you some events for you calendar

Inside College Chaplains’ Squash. Your chance to sign up for Travisty, and maybe a couple of other societies too.

Library tours. Discover the place where you’ll be spending many a desperate night working.

Consent workshops. On a serious note, these are compulsory and very valuable. Times will be sent round to you.

Matriculation photograph. Make sure you don’t miss this; the photographers won’t bother photoshopping you in (you could ask Kerem though, he does a pretty neat job).

Everything else in the Freshers’ Handbook. Make the most of Freshers’ Week Five Days.

Outside College Explore. There are actually 31 Colleges out there, and some of them are rumoured to be almost as pretty as Trinity.

Cambridge Film Association & Watersprite Film Festival joint event. Film lovers, head to the Arts Picturehouse on 7th October for screenings introducing the Cambridge film scene and drinks! (Visit the CFA and Watersprite pages on Facebook for more information.)

COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK

Freshers’ Squash

Ingredients

213 freshers the college’s favourite alcopop

Method 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

Take a large container, such as the Trinity Bar. Squeeze all the Freshers inside.

Heat to 60˚C. Add VKs. Finish with a dash of regret about signing up to too many societies.

Shake vigorously.

Serve to Spoons or Life.

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Half-Baked Help

Caroline Bassett gives some Michelin star advice on cooking in College

Friends, Freshers, fourth-years and fellow sufferers in this fine educational institution, I come to you today with some hot tips and tricks on the art of la cuisine—or more specifically, how to make a meal in your student kitchen that won’t make you hate yourself as soon as the fork reaches your mouth. And although I guess this is mostly aimed at Freshers, I am all too painfully aware of the cooking ability of some of my peers and so to them I say: welcome. There is no judgement here. Only acceptance, and a plea to cook at least one vegetable once in your life, because—goddamn—man cannot survive on Van of Life alone.

First of all, the basics. The new normal that you will come to accept is that milk will go off seemingly as soon as you buy it. You will have barely-there memories of the milk at home lasting for days without needing to be replaced, but there must be something about the Cambridge air that means that the mere act of swiping your card at the self-service machine at Sainsbury’s means that the countdown has begun, and you have precious little time before it has turned into a disgusting clumpy mess. One time, I was with my friend when she was making a cup of tea for somebody and every single bottle of milk in that fridge was like a miniature horror story of rancid lumpy fluid. (Also, I’m very aware that you’ll probably be reading this during the first Brunch of the term. You’re very welcome for the mental image.)

Want to make enemies of your entire building? Why not try to make pizza in the oven in your kitchen, leave the kitchen, let the pizza burn, set off the fire alarm, and make everybody do a fire drill unnecessarily? Not happy with that? Do it again. And again. And again. And why not once more? You absolute monster.

Make sure that you check that you’ve turned on the hob when you leave a saucepan filled with water on it, otherwise you will be in the polar opposite of hot water and will instead end up hungry, embarrassed, and likely to slink off to the bar to buy the same panini again. To check whether the hob is on, I advise flicking a few drops of water onto the hob with wet hands; if it evaporates away then the hob is hot. Please don’t put the palm of your hand flat onto the scalding hob to test the temperature, as it will result in a trip to Addenbrookes and being mocked by all your friends, even a year later, even in print.

In the event that somebody steals your food out of the fridge, I am giving my full permission, and even encouragement, to commit cold-blooded murder. There’s no other advice here. Just be subtle. Murder will get you Deaned. And any blood on the carpets will get you fined.

Finally, as we all know, time goes very quickly here in Cambridge, so perhaps it’s worth bearing in mind things that will make your cooking experience speedier. Meat taking too long to cook?

I’d advise vegetarian food instead, or perhaps do the gardeners a favour by chomping on some of the grass from Great Court. Easy and nutritious.

Following this advice will ensure that your diet here at College doesn’t negatively impact your health and wellbeing—we’ll leave that to the workload, the stress, and the Cindies foam party.

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Cambridge Coffee Shop Guide

Our coffee connoisseur, Fedor Misyura, shares his opinions on the Cambridge coffee bean scene

As a Fresher, you need to learn quickly where to get your daily source of caffeine. Coffee is the ultimate elixir that will surely make your day in Cambridge both longer and more enjoyable! Of course, there is the sensible option of buying and making your own coffee from Sainsbury’s; however, if you are looking for a nice place to work, or meet someone, Sainsbury’s probably won’t deliver. So here is a quick guide to help you know where to go and where not to go.

College Bar

The “I have so much work right now it’s, like, not even funny” coffee shop

Should be called ‘College Café’. Serves the cheapest cappuccino in Cambridge (and you can pay with your Camcard). Beware of friends who will inevitably start talking to you (it might actually be quite fun). As nice as it is, only go here if you are prepared to spend two hours procrastinating.

Location: …

Coffee: 3/5 Seating: 3/5 (usually full so you’ll probably have to share) Style: 2/5 (not exactly the crème de la crème) Noise: Equivalent of pres early on (background music and chatter).

Bould Brothers

The “Oh, you come here too? Cool!” coffee shop

If you own a pair of fashionable trainers, or do HSPS, this is a place for you. Not only have they got suitably overpriced muffins, but they also serve the best flat white in town.

It’s very popular, so you’ll probably bump into someone you know.

Location: 4/5 (-1 for having to walk past John’s) Coffee: 5/5 Seating: 3/5 (small tables, but, there is an upstairs) Style: 5/5 (respect if you buy one of their caps) Noise: Strong coffee making sounds.

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Waterstones Café

The niche coffee book shop

Certainly has its regulars and seems to be the place to go to get a Crushbridge. Just wear something bright (preferably red), sit conspicuously, and pretend to work. But don’t take my word for it—I don’t want to disappoint you. It’s a cruel world out there.

Location: 4/5 (as far as Life, so… not very far) Coffee: 4/5 Seating: 4/5 (you can usually find a spot) Style: 3/5 (are you a writer?)

Noise: Practically a library.

Caffè Nero (King’s Parade)

The “Please can I have an extra shot of espresso” coffee shop

Will likely be on your way to lectures in the morning. Beware of slow tourists ‘choosing their drinks’ in a language not known to the staff. If you haven’t already, try the Dutch Caramel Wafer: life changing.

Location: 5/5 (very convenient) Coffee: 3/5 Seating: 2/5 (functional but main area has no windows) Style: 2/5 (standard, nothing special, better than Pret) Noise: Tourists outside, quiet inside.

Hot Numbers (Trumpington Street) The faraway coffee shop

Rather dubiously dubbed as the best coffee shop in town, in reality it is on par with Bould Brothers at best. Cappuccinos are nice and creamy, and you can even have one with almond or oat milk (vegan heaven). Beware of Engineers and Architects.

Location: 1/5 (other end of town, very good for Engineers and Architects) Coffee: 5/5 Seating: 4/5 (has a nice outside area) Style: 4/5 (not quite Coco Chanel; classy enough for an Arts student, too classy for an Engineer) Noise: Too much chat all round.

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The Art of Conversation

Alexander Chamberlain helps you kick start your social life

Here at Travisty, we feel it is our duty to help new students adjust to University life. Since friendships supposedly make up a large part of your University experience and contribute to your happiness, we’ve complied a few strategies you can use to talk to anyone.

The Weather Presenter

Cambridge is in Britain, and there is nothing that Brits love more than conversing about the weather.

Step 1: When you wake up, open the weather app up on your phone and memorise the day’s predictions. This saves you having to actually look up at the sky, giving you more time to practise having conversations.

Step 2: Approach a person, preferably outside or near a window, so they can see the sky and nod in agreement to your observations.

Step 3: Speak the following phrase, with a suitable word substituted in where shown. “<adjective> weather we’re having, isn’t it? I can’t believe that we’re going to have <type of weather> later. Glad I’ll be <activity you will be doing later> then.”

Example: Bizarre weather we’re having, isn’t it? I can’t believe that we’re going to have a tropical heatwave later. Glad I’ll be playing water polo in the River Cam then.

Pro Tip: Use the thesaurus to mix up your vocabulary and make sure that no two conversations you have are the same.

The Interrogator

Everyone knows that the purpose of a conversation is to gather as much information as possible, right? How else will you decide if your conversation partner is worthy to be your friend?

Step 1: Compile a questionnaire of all things you deem important to know about a person, then commit it to memory. Alternatively, write down your questions and invest in a good clipboard.

Step 2: Approach a person, preferably in a confined area so that they can’t escape.

Step 3: Reel of your list of questions. Make sure you record all of their answers, so you can enter them into your spreadsheet later.

Example: “What’s your name/subject/favourite password? Where do you live? Do you row? Did you know I write for Travisty?”

Pro Tip: Ask yes or no questions to ensure that the conversation doesn’t go off on an interesting tangent. You’re here for information, not stories.

The Social Media-nator

Talking face-to-face is so last century. I mean, come on, is your life in black and white?

Who wants to waste precious brainpower reading all of the subtle facial clues to discern the other’s expressions, when you can just use emojis instead?

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Step 1: Choose your social media application of choice. Popular ones include Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp, Club Penguin, etc.

Step 2: Approach a person, hand them your phone with social media open and get them to friend/follow you.

Step 3: Walk away from that person in real life, but message them online, letting them know that you enjoyed meeting them and would like to talk more (online, of course).

Example: I’m afraid there’s no example for this one, you’re on your own.

Pro Tip: You don’t always have to message. Sometimes the strongest friendships come from the copious volumes of tagging in memes.

The Madagascan Penguin

When it comes to cool, few people compare to a fellow dressed in black tie, munching on some fresh fish. So it makes sense that we should take advice from them.

Step 1: Gather three friends and put on your favourite black ties. Optionally, you can also paint your beaks noses orange.

Step 2: Approach a person, preferably stand a few metres away though, don’t appear keen.

Step 3: Say “Smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave,” as you give a give a slow wave and a cool smile.

Example: Type into YouTube “smile and wave boys”. Make sure you watch it at least five times to pick up the subtleties of such a manoeuvre.

Pro Tip: For added coolness, take a swim in the River Cam beforehand so you really nail the penguin look.

The Fortune Teller

With so much uncertainty in the world, nothing will impress people more than your uncanny ability to tell the future. Disclaimer: Travisty does not guarantee that the following guide will allow you to predict the future accurately.

Step 1: Grab your favourite fortune telling artefacts. An origami fortune teller is good for beginners, but only having eight options will limit the range of your predictions. Tea leaves in the bottom of a mug are also a popular option, as is the palm of your conversation partner.

Step 2: Approach a person, preferably sneak up on them so you can appear extra mysterious.

Maybe in a cloud of smoke.

Step 3: Read their future with your chosen instrument. Make sure to phrase your predictions in an extremely vague and highly interpretable manner, so that they will definitely be applicable to literally everyone in the world if you analyse it deeply enough.

Example: “Oooooooh! I see dark things in your future. Very dark! Up to 85% cocoa dark.

Watch yourself if you take a walk through Burrell’s Field walk at night anytime soon.”

Pro Tip: Once you’ve tried this out on a reasonable number of people and seen success, consider investing in a crystal ball. I hear their accuracy is through the roof and carrying it around will tone your biceps. If you’re running low on material, consult the Horoscopes on Page 20.

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I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the O’Brien A dministration I work for the President but like-minded colleagues and I have vowed to thwart parts of her agenda and her worst inclinations.

Travisty is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior official in the O’Brien administration whose identity is known to us and whose job would be jeopardised by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers. We’d love to invite you to submit a question about the essay or our vetting process, but we aren’t yet important enough to have our own website. You can try clicking here, but it probably won’t achieve much, especially if you’re reading this on paper.

President O’Brien is facing a test to her presidency unlike any faced by a modern Trinitarian leader.

It’s not just that the College Council looms large. Or that she’s actually trying to make changes in Trinity. Or even that she knows she won’t, in all likelihood, be President this time next year.

The dilemma—which she does not fully grasp—is that one of the senior officials in her own administration is working diligently from within to frustrate parts of her agenda and her worst inclinations.

I would know. I am the one.

To be clear, mine is not the unpopular “resistance” of some students. I want the administration to fail.

Yes, many of its policies do continue to make Trinity safer and more welcoming, But I believe my first duty is to the students’ union, and the President continues to act in a manner that is detrimental to the future of our society (TCSU, that is, not our community).

Yes, it’s great that we’ve now got free laundry.

And it’s even better that we’re now allowed to walk on the grass in New Court (provided we’re walking with the express purpose of sitting down on the benches and don’t plan on drinking anything alcoholic while we’re there).

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But this ultimately sets a dangerous precedent.

Presidents are supposed to do as close to the bare minimum as possible without getting impeached. TCSU was never designed as a way to implement change; it’s not “the voice of the students”. TCSU has, throughout its existence, had exactly two purposes.

Its primary purpose? To give 15 students each year some extra CV points. Its secondary purpose is to give Travisty some more material to write about.

The first happens, yearon-year, almost entirely automatically. The second should be no different.

Henley Smith gave Travisty plenty; from poop-gate to forcing people to choose between being awake and having

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enough money to live off, Travisty was never left short of material.

However, this year, Travisty is already falling behind on its TCSUbased humour. Instead of being charged for tea and coffee, we’re no longer being charged for laundry.

Instead of scandals, we now have a leader who’ll stop at nothing to better Trinity for its students.

This presents an immediate concern: what happens in a year’s time?

What happens when Molly’s moved on from the College and we’re left with a new President?

The students will demand more changes; who will be there to provide them?

This isn’t the 2013 Tony Awards. We don’t need to aim to make everything bigger—we don’t need to inspire future generations. We just need to stick to our fundamental principles: giving students free CV points and giving Travisty more material.

Frankly, it was obvious that TCSU would go off the rails under President O’Brien from the

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hustings. O’Brien failed to respond adequately to the most trivial of ethical trolley dilemmas. From this moment I knew that, if elected, I would have to defend the very doctrines on which TCSU was founded.

It may be cold comfort in this chaotic era, but Trinitarians should know that there is an adult in the room. I fully recognise what is happening. And I am trying to do what’s right even when Molly O’Brien won’t.

The result is a two-track presidency.

I won’t bore readers with specifics—there are countless examples, and I simply don’t have the time to list them all while continuing to fight for our foundations—but without me continuing to resist these damaging changes, I fear that our students’ union will soon be left in a state beyond even the faintest hope of recovery.

We should consider this situation not as a failing of our system, but as a success. No system can prevent the

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election of someone who, left unchecked, would threaten to have a positive impact on the lives of those they are meant to leave unaffected.

However, it should be considered encouraging that, even when burdened with a President whose amorality has been proved, there will always be a Committee member ready to protect our society.

Former Environmental and Domestic Officer Wicholas Nong put it best in his farewell letter.

And while we may no longer have Mr Nong, we will always have his example—a lodestar for minimising change and maintaining the status quo. President O’Brien may fear such honourable people, but we should revere them.

There is a quiet resistance within the administration of me choosing to put our society first. But the real difference will be made by everyday students rising above their work, reaching across the bar table, and resolving to forgo action in favour of a stronger union.

Horoscopes

Aries

Kerem Ergene, now a qualified mystic, reads your stars

It’s a new year—why not try a few new things? Start writing for your College’s satirical newspaper. Say yes to that date you couldn’t go on last year. Granted, these aren’t the sort of things you apply to the Dunlevie Fund for, but they could both change your life.

Taurus

Don’t bury yourself in work— soil works far better.

Gemini

Do you remember that time your parents left you home alone as a child? You felt lost, forsaken by those who once claimed to care for you. Granted, they returned, but that feeling never left you. Now you’re at University; you’ve left them to fend for themselves.

This is your chance to exact revenge on those who once deserted you. Leave their texts unread. Let their calls go to voicemail. Make them rue the day they ever went out to buy that loaf of bread.

Cancer

The summer fleetingly introduced a tall, dark, handsome stranger into your life. This month, with Jupiter’s retrograde in Venus, you might find yourself having a few not-so-accidental encounters with this not-so-stranger. As fate rears its oh-so-beautiful head, make a move—don’t let this opportunity pass.

Cover photo by Lauren Rees on Unsplash

Leo

Your skin this month is literally glowing. Maybe that fluorescent moisturiser wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

Virgo

Now’s the time to finally go for that person you’ve been thinking of all summer. Unless they’re a Libra. Seriously, stay well away from Libras—some of the less astrally astute amongst them might confuse you for one of their own.

Libra

They’re all out to get you: the other Libras, that is. As much as I love overusing banal clichés, calling it a “Hunger Games on steroids” simply wouldn’t be doing it justice. Steroids, however, might be your only hope. The sole victor will be left with untold riches. How do you win?

It’s simple—be the last Libra left alive. All I can do now is offer you a few last words of advice: it’s not murder if society condones it.

Oh, and don’t forget about the newborns. Good luck.

Scorpio

With nights now getting longer, start thinking about making the most of the limited daylight. Perhaps you could buy some solar panels. Or, why not learn how to photosynthesise?

Looking for the One-Liners?

Find them on Page 11.

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Sagittarius

With my telescope pointed towards your section of the sky, everything seems so bright.

That’s the last time I try star-gazing during the day.

Capricorn

This term might be stressful, so remember to focus on the things you enjoy. In five weeks time, that certainly won’t be your degree. I’d personally recommend Maccies.

Aquarius

Last year you did too much with you life. This year, you’ll promise yourself that you’ll do less. You’ll try to encourage other people take over the reigns of your favourite societies. But no one steps forwards. Rather than let the society die—rather than let last year go to waste—you reluctantly continue your role.

Pisces

Your future is filled with warmth. Everything around you is glowing, and you look pretty hot yourself. Think twice before lighting that match.

Get Involved Think you can do better?

Join the team.

Email: ke297@cam.ac.uk amc240@cam.ac.uk travistytrinity@gmail.com

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