V TRAVISTY Issue 53 - February 2014
The
Valentine’s day issue Most eligible P.3
Meet the new TCSU
Rag blind date
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Letter from the editor What’s that? A new, re-designed issue of Travisty? Packed full of advice, cocktails and RAG blind dates? Yes, it really must be Valentine’s Day. And this V-Day, even if nobody else does, Travisty loves you!
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So, welcome to our new edition of Travisty. I’m so excited to be taking over from Sofia, a true member of the ‘Travist-orcracy’ if there ever was one (I’ll admit there probably wasn’t), and to be editing this Trinity institution over the next year. We’ve had loads of talented writers working on this issue and it looks like its going to be a great year. But we are, of course, always on the look out for more, so for anyone who is interested or who wants to make me feel popular by sending me an email... tz265@cam.ac.uk. In this edition you can look forward to a healthy dose of cynicism as Travisty trawls its way through the mine-field of chocolate, love and pink that is Valentine’s Day. For those of you who take comfort in others sorrows, I recommend a look at the escapades of this years RAG blind-daters. For the more hopeful among you, perhaps a glance at the Lonely Hearts column. Or alternatively, Travisty has taken it upon ourselves to seek out Trinity’s most eligible bachelors... just call us Cupid.
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On a less romantic note, we have advice, gossip (new editorial team, same magazine) and of course our new TCSU committee!
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So this Valentine’s Day when you settle down with a nice cup of tea/ some chocolate / lots of chocolate/ a loved one / a general antithetical attitude to all things fluffy and lovely... make sure you’ve got Travisty with you.
Most eligible!
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Travisty meets Trinity’s finest bachelors.
Because you guys are always with us... in our hearts I mean.
How did our freshers cope?
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Lots of Trinity love,
Meet the new TCSU! Jack Winstanley meets the new crop.
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The Agony Aunt! Robin’s question is answered.
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RAG blind date!
Editor: Talia Zybutz Features Editor: James Taylor Design: Thomas Hughes-Mclure
Talia xxx
The weekly rant! College wine spending, what drama?
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Lonely Hearts! Looking for love? Look no further than our back cover.
P.12 Contributors: Jonny Dillon, Jack Winstanley, Robin MackworthYoung, Caitlin de Jode, Pandora Layton, Jack Harding, James Taylor, Harriet Cartledge, Mary Harvey, Becca Coyle, Elissa Foord, Leo Sands
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My first reaction when asked to track down Trinity’s most eligible bachelor was ‘How am I going to interview myself?’ - a fireball of conceited (though, I like to think, not wholly misplaced) narcissism shot down spectacularly by the immediate suggestion that I interview Marcus Clover. I am not going to interview Marcus Clover. ! Where then, amongst the hordes of mathmos and the guys who seem to only leave the library for their biweekly shower, would I find the man deserving of the title as Trinity’s most desirable? ‘Look in the mirror!’ I here you cry, and I thank you, but I don’t think it’s right that I make the decision of who you ought to be lusting after for you, so I’m going to meet my whole shortlist and let you, the ladies and the that-way-inclined gentlemen of Trinity, decide for yourselves.! Known to buy more Jager bombs in one evening than I have in my entire life, Josh Treon is not only everyone’s best friend on a night out but, having taken girls out for Michelin starred meals, owning his own domain name and being the only twenty year old I know to have invested his summer’s earnings in silver, he’s a serious catch.! Me: Where would you take someone on a first date if you really wanted to show off your seduction prowess?! Josh: Flying a helicopter to Paris, where we would gaze into each other’s' eyes all night over a candlelit dinner and a bottle of wine on a lonely rooftop.! Me: The date is, of course, going incredibly well and you’re thinking of sweeping your new beau off their feet and bringing them back to your room for a little bump and grind, how do you seal the deal?! Josh: I show her my lava lamp within seconds the gentle flow of orange globules mesmerises any girl who dares to look.! If this guy can throw a party as big as last year’s May Ball, just imagine the wedding you and he could have. Will Phillips’s four year tenure at Trinity may be drawing to a close but
somehow he’s still on the market. Go get him boys (sorry ladies, you could t r y b u t y o u r e ff o r t s m i g h t b e somewhat futile).! Me: You’re madly in love with one of your supervisors. You read all the further reading they set you in the hope that they notice your incredible intellect, you turn up to supervisions five minutes early in the hope of alone time and always hang back with questions you already know the answers to just to be in their presence. But, alas, your efforts go unnoticed. What grand gesture do you pull in a last ditch attempt to show them that you are truly meant for one another?! Will: A t-shirt with their face on it? With love hearts? If they haven’t noticed my advances by then I’m not sure what’s left.! Me: The song you love to play when you’re getting down and dirty?! Will: Can you beat a bit of Marvin Gaye? I think the song choice says a lot about what you want to get up to. Putting on “wrecking ball” could lead to a whole load of unintended pain…! Me: It’s a Wednesday night, you’re in Cindies, the VKs are flowing and the most beautiful creature you ever laid eyes on is illuminated by the strobe lights whilst throwing some serious shapes on the dance floor, what’s your next move?! Will: Errm, this has always been a weak area for me. Current tactics involve sort of meandering over and hovering nearby. Drunkenly flailing to the Lion King remix has not scored me any points in the past, as such it has been dropped from my repertoire.!
Theo Collier – the gentle giant of Trinity. He plays blues rugby girls, need I say more?! Me: What’s your go to chat up line?! Theo: Do you like rugby? I’ve got a huge tackle and love to ruck. How would you like to be my hooker?! Me: If someone wanted to win your affections, what would be the best way for them to go about it?! Theo: Probably by complimenting my squat form, maybe snapchat me a nudey pic. You know, something romantic.! Me: The song you love to play when you’re getting down and dirty?!
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Theo: Nothing. You’ve got to embrace the silence. That’s what girls love, right?! Some say that Will Dunger loves his hair more than he loves his own mother, could he love you even more? I doubt it, he really loves his hair. Still worth a try though.! Me: Who would be the best and worst possible person you could wake up next to after one too many Jager bombs in Sunday Life? (Not necessarily someone in Trinity/ Cambridge but if you want to declare your love that would make a great story)! Will: Best, I’d say Jennifer Lawrence, who is essentially the perfect woman. Worst, probably my Russian supervisor – she scares me at the best of times. Or Dan Place, who is the most annoying person in the world to be around when hung-over. ! Me: Who would play you in the movie adaptation of your life?! Will: Leonardo di Caprio. Or Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep can play anyone.! Me: If you really wanted to woo that person who’s caught your eye across the lecture theatre or while eating your brunch in hall, where would you take them on a perfect first date?! Will: If Nando’s is good enough for Adnan Januzaj, it’s good enough for me.! A female friend of mine once ran over to me in Life proclaiming “I just got with Kevin G”. I immediately searched through the crowd for everyone’s favourite rapping-mathlete, it turned out she was talking about Amish Patel. ! Me: What’s your go to chat up line?! Amish: Do your parents believe in arranged marriage?! Me: What drink would you say best suits your personality and why?! Amish: Cobra Beer because it matches my physical endowment! Me: Is there anyone special whose pigeon hole you’ll be filling with a heart shaped box of chocolates, a dozen red roses and two caged doves this February 14th?! Amish: Ryan Patel <3! Having seen what the single gentlemen of Trinity have to offer, I am now more convinced than ever that I ought to have been allowed to interview myself. I mean, not everyone can be as charming, witty and dashingly good looking as I. But that’s just my personal opinion.! - Johnny Dillon
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MEET THE NEW TCSU TRAVISTY LOVES OUR NEW TCSU TEAM. SO THIS VALENTINE’S DAY WE THOUGHT WE’D SEND JACK WINSTANLEY TO GO GET ALL UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL…
JEREMY BERNSTEIN
THOMAS HUGHES-MCLURE
PRESIDENT, 2ND YEAR NATSCI
VICE PRESIDENT, 1ST YEAR GEOGRAPHER
What is one big thing you want to achieve this year? I want Trinity to be much better at advertising itself to school students who wouldn't normally consider applying to Cambridge. This means making it easier for us to show our friends round, getting the college more ready to show prospective students round at short notice, as well as a kickass Trinity website. When we’ve got a wider applicant pool, we really can claim that Trinity is the best college at the best university in the universe…
What is one big thing you want to achieve this year? People to know and care about what the TCSU are doing, and know that we’re working for them. What is your ideal night out? Undoubtedly Cindies!! If a hashtag was trending about you, what would it say? #fabulous
LEO SANDS
What is your ideal night out? Whilst I have been to Berghain (the world capital of techno), sometimes there’s nothing better than sharing dough balls and garlic butter with your friends at Pizza Express.
SECRETARY, 1ST YEAR HISTORIAN What is the one big thing you want to achieve this year? Making sure that TCSU minutes are written in only the most beautiful fonts that Microsoft Word have given us. Fonts are very important.
If a hashtag was trending about you, what would it say? #yofo or #dedicatedtogareth
What is your ideal night out? Cotching with my amigos.
RYAN PATEL
If a hashtag was trending about you, what would it say? #JustKeepingItReal
TREASURER, 1ST YEAR ECONOMIST What is one big thing you want to achieve this year? To finally get a renovation of the JCR and Bar. It’s something that’s been discussed to great length by previous committees and some progress was made last year but hopefully this year we can make it happen. Getting some more entertainment in the JCR so it’s used for more than just chess games would be pretty good too!
TOM HAMPSON ENVIRONMENTAL AND DOMESTIC, 1ST YEAR GEOGRAPHER What is one big thing you want to achieve this year? Increased awareness of environmental campaigns, like taking part in the Uni-wide ‘Switch it off’ campaign.
What is your ideal night out? Dinner at Pizza Express followed by a movie, but with my new budget who knows...
What is your ideal night out? Drinks before going to any club playing nineties music.
If a hashtag was trending about you, what would it say? #keen
If a hashtag was trending about you, what would it say? #annoyingrecyclingguy
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MATT DAMMERS
CORNELIUS RÖMER
MALE WELFARE, 1ST YEAR ENGINEER
JUNIOR STEWARD, 2ND YEAR PHYSICIST
What is one big thing you want to achieve this year? To make the welfare events and services more well-known and accessible.
What is your ideal night out? Sounds like the RAG blind date form... I don't care so much about the location as long I've got nice people around.
What is your ideal night out? 100% Cindies
If a hashtag was trending about you, what would it say? I don't even do twitter... #justashappyiftherewasnohashtag?
If a hashtag was trending about you, what would it say? #whynot
WILL GREEN
CATRIONA CHAPLIN
ACCESS, 3RD YEAR CHEMIST
ENTS, 1ST YEAR GEOGRAPHER
What is one big thing you want to achieve this year? To encourage as many students as possible to go back to their old school and perhaps schools in their area to talk to able students about applying to Oxbridge
What is one big thing you want to achieve this year? Having a large joint bop with another college.!
What is your ideal night out? My ideal night out is to shut the porters out of the post-room and play Pacman between the pigeon holes. Great fun.
If a hashtag was trending about you, what would it say? #hotmess!
What is your ideal night out? Cindies until closing time, then cheesy chips at the Van of Life!!
If a hashtag was trending about you, what would it say? No idea. #notontwitter
ROSE LANDER FEMALE WELFARE, 1ST YEAR MML What is one big thing you want to achieve this year? I would like to be able to provide free tampons.
TIM LARGE OVERSEAS, 2ND YEAR MATHMO What is one big thing you want to achieve this year? Get all 80 (or however many) overseas freshers to come to what'll be the best overseas freshers’ week yet!
What is your ideal night out? Cindies. Definitely Cindies. It's the perfect mix of jagerbombs and classic tunes. If a hashtag was trending about you, what would it say? #ZacEfron'sfuturewife
What is your ideal night out? A nice meal followed by a pint or two at the pub.
KSHITIJ SABNIS
If a hashtag was trending about you, what would it say? #HEYGUYS (in the most Aussie accent you can muster)
PUBLICITY AND COMPUTING, 2ND YEAR NATSCI What is one big thing you want to achieve this year? Making the TCSU website mobile friendly, including creating an app. What is your ideal night out? A film in the cinema and a nice meal out. If a hashtag was trending about you, what would it say? #alwaysbusy
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AGONY AUNT Going
DEAR GEORGINA SUMMER,
UP
!
DEAR ROBIN,
Fame; a goal for many, a reality for few, a plague for me. In January, fame came knocking on my door as the long awaited Tr a v i s t y To p 2 0 l i s t w a s announced. I was privileged to be amongst the elite few to have gained this high accolade; little did I know the extent to which it would infect my everyday life. No longer can I simply go for supper in hall, now I must disregard my abundance of sweatshirts and carefully choose my outfit, apply a confident gait and spend hours on my hair knowing that every fellow diner is now a critique of my eligibility for the Top 20. A simple trip to the Mail Room has turned into a paparazzi-dodging assault course as I attempt to avoid the judging looks aimed towards m y b e d - h a i r. I n d e e d , t h e evening of the release of the list, Harriet Gordon (a friend and fellow First Year) came knocking on my door, simply uttered the words ‘Hello BNOC’ in a soft, sultry tone, and slinked into my bed. No word of a lie, although all she wanted was a cup of tea. This has all come to be too much for me – I can’t cope and I need help. I’m weary with worry, saturated with stress and drained by discomfort. Help me, I beg you, to make my burden of popularity and excellence easier. Another two years of this does not bear thinking about.!
! Awaiting your reply,! ! Tear-stained Robin! !
It's unsurprising that you've requested my help. A mere mention in Travisty is sufficient to rocket anybody up into the Cambridge A-list. A full feature in Travisty Top 20? One can only imagine. Fame hits hard, and it hits fast. I want you to know that your discomfort is perfectly natural; think of it as in the same category as growing pains - you're evolving from the shy caterpillar of the first term into the world-renowned butterfly you're meant to be. No wonder the sheer scale of the change has taken you by surprise. Butterflies are pretty shocked when they emerge from the cocoon. What's important to realise, though, is that you have to embrace your new lifestyle. You think a butterfly wants to go back to being a caterpillar? So, Robin, spread your wings and fly. Don your choir attire and pose for the paparazzi. Have tea with as many groupies as your blood caffeine levels will allow. Most of all, make people think that your newly-acquired status hasn't changed you. Rock the bed hair occasionally, just so the rest of us can empathise. Go to Wednesday Cindie's and dance like nobody's watching, even though everyone will be. A retreat into obscurity isn't available to you for the foreseeable future. Grasp your fame or risk being consumed by it. You'll have a good time in the process.!
! Regards,! !
Water levels in the cam Flappy Birds Hours of procrastination but so worth it
Fro-Yo on Trinity’s doorstep.
Rice exchange dinner For those of us lucky enough to have received an invitation.
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Georgina Summer
ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE, IT’S VALENTINE’S DAY AND I’VE GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU…
If you ever find yourself roaming in the wild, I’d always suggest a game of hide-and-seek to brighten the mood. This game is one of secrecy, tact and exhilaration, but despite her best efforts, a certain boar was unable to keep her fur out of sight. One would think it a wise move to dodge a bull charging headfirst towards you, yet it seems this fellow was welcomed with open arms, given his untamed mane the morning after. Sadly their encounter was only brief…let’s hope it hasn’t left them feeling too blue. !
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Unsatisfied with the demands of being a medic, nor the delights of Cindies, one fresher decided to enrol in Management 101 in the early hours of the morning. In what must have been a very trying process, this individual ducked and dived over the gates and into the Judge Business School. Not one to wait for an invitation, he stayed for the night to the surprise of one unlucky professor. After being escorted out, this intrepid explorer won’t be straying far from home again. !
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And lastly, for those of you preparing for a romantic Valentine’s weekend, don’t get too Sassy in spicing up your antics. Ann Summers has a lot on offer but it appears that some toys should be attached with a warning. While plugs are for sinks and beds are for ‘making love’, be sure not to confuse the two. Getting bunged up isn’t my idea of fun, especially if things take a couple of days to plunge south. !
A snowless Cambridge
Neknomination Most of these just aren’t funny anymore.
Week 5 Its back, and with a vengeance.
Construction
in New Court
DOWN
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THE NOSY BEDDER
!
Going
Whatever you’re being showered with this coming weekend, I wish you the very best of times. Don’t have too much fun though as you know that I, Nosy Bedder, will always be watching. Nosy bedder and marmite - you either love it or you hate it. Whatever your view, we (Travisty) love YOU and want our readers to be the happiest in the world. If you’d like to opt-out of nosy bedder (i.e. not be included in next issue’s column) just email your name to travistytrinity@gmail.com.
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e t a D d n i l B G A R TRAVISTY DATES:
Caitlin De Jode MARK OUT OF 10: “SOLID 8.5”
Where it was? La Raza and then the Eagle! Best physical feature? Nice beard, good height! Will you call them again? Potential for a second date, who knows?! After surrendering my form to our illustrious new TCSU secretary (highlights include “Favourite date film – two girls one cup”) I wasn’t massively optimistic. Twenty minutes after the time we were supposed to meet, it wasn’t looking like it was going to be my night, and as my pre-date facebook stalking had proved fruitless, I hadn’t a clue what my mystery man actually looked like. Luckily, just as I was about to call it a day and head to Cindies to begin my rigorous jaegerbomb regime, a tall blonde stranger with excellent facial hair appeared at my side. He was the perfect blind date, attractive, funny and kept the double vodkas coming, which is certainly the best way to my Irish heart.! By about ten, La Raza was starting to resemble the back to school WPR, and my date was starting to feel his age (25!!!) amongst the youths of our fair college, so we headed to the Caitlin an d her date Eagle to escape the Trinity fresher contingent. Fortunately, great minds think alike, and I . wasn’t the only Wolfson building resident to have sought asylum in the most famous of Cambridge institutions. Sparks continued to fly, but regrettably he had an early start which scuppered my romantic plans for the intimacy of the Cindies queue. Like a true gentleman, he walked me home, deets were exchanged and future rendezvous were promised – watch this space! ! Spotted later than night: Caitlin getting off with her date in the wolfson.
Pandora Layton HOW WELL IT WENT OUT OF 10? 26.56
Where it was? Strada! Will you call them again? Potential for a second date, who knows?! Best physical feature? His toe! Will you call them again? Are you suggesting that he won’t be calling me first?! Embarrassment has always been an inevitable part of any social activity with the opposite sex (or indeed, Revs on a Monday...) that I have ‘chosen’ to indulge in. This date was no exception. Originally expecting the typical ‘mathmo,’ (for all of you who dislike stereotypes, suck it up, I challenge you to offer me an anomaly), I thought I was going to have a rather uneventful evening, however, how wrong was I! ! Picture this: Strada. 8:31. Waiting for my mathmo. Wearing dungarees. Yet, what I was greeted with instead was the complete opposite. Johns? Check. Lawyer? Check. Planning to go to Harvard next year where his kooky-preppy look will undoubtably make him the coolest kid in school? Check.! Venturing into Strada (with a fellow Trinitarian and her date) we meet our first issue of the night. Still recovering from the initial shock of non-mathmo-ness, I walked in thinking I had begun to get the whole thing under control. However, it turned out that I managed to book one table of four instead of two tables of two, not a good start.
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Finally, we were settled in to our comfy two-person-romantic-dinner and the night was going well, with conversation flowing (as was my consumption of wine), and spirits remaining high (as was my consumption of spirits).! Thinking myself invincible to the moral teachings of religion (#HSPS), it is a shame that I didn’t take more care when hearing the Buddhist phrase ‘three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth,’ as I was shortly to become a victim of it. Attempting to play it cool (another one of my weaknesses), I proclaimed that I had in no way, shape or form viewed said date’s Facebook profile, subsequent to receiving his form (a blatant lie). ! However, it was at this point that a certain female member of Trinity entered Strada and chose to introduce herself to my date: ‘Oh hi, you’re from John’s right? How’s law treating you?’ Feeling the overwhelming awkwardness, she hastily departed, leaving me to explain how she knew the information she had just regurgitated (the source of which was obviously I). Luckily he laughed it off, and the night went on.! The rest of the evening entailed a game of chess (which I sadly lost), the bringing down of an exercise bar (I underestimated the amount I had eaten at the restaurant), and some classic dancing at Cindies. All-in-all I had a wonderful time, and would recommend RAG to anyone who wishes to have what can only be described as a totally surreal night.! Spotted later that night: Pandora and date entering cindies.
Jack Harding MARK OUT OF 10: A GENEROUS 3!
Where it was: La Raza! Mark out of 10: A generous 3! Date's best physical feature: Could barely see her from across the room! Will you be calling them again: If ever I feel over-exuberant perhaps, they could probably serve as an anti-Samaritan hotline! I was at 'La Raza' with my date, four of her friends and their dates, a group which fortunately happened to include two of my best mates. I'd met my date before, so I wasn't expecting too much from the evening. We'd already spent a sufficient amount of time together to allow any potential romance to rear its sexy head and so, given that it hadn't, it seemed reasonable to infer a mutual non-attraction from our previous interaction.! ! My mates and I got to 'La Raza' a couple of minutes early to have a look around, the romantic equivalent of casing the joint. We sat down at a pre-booked table and waited for our dates before ordering any drinks or snacks. After they didn't show up for a good ten minutes, we got some bread and olives (we'd decided to make a night of it) and the first round. We waited another ten minutes or so. Just when fashionable lateness was on the cusp of being a waste of our time, they decided to make an appearance. There followed various awkward greetings. My date and I engaged in a few pleasantries designed to obscure our shared disappointment at the match. It proved a fairly feeble pretence, since this marked the end of my conversation with her that night; she sat down at the opposite end of the table and I, with more than a little relief, turned to one of her friends.! ! We spent about an hour in 'La Raza', fewer than twenty minutes of that in our dates' company. The combination of a long queue for the bar and a profound apathy on all of our behalves necessitated a reduction in the time we spent as a group. On the few occasions in which I did find myself talking to a female in the same "date group" as me, the conversation was restricted to semi-audible small talk. There is a limit on how often one can ask someone to repeat something in polite conversation, especially when the object of repetition is as banal as "So which college are you from again?" It was like a grotesque reworking of everything wrong with freshers' week, with more expensive drinks. After some tortuous silence we suggested pre-ing back in college. The pres actually proved more enjoyable (mainly because one of the girls' dates was just a complete weirdo who entertained us with a series of humourless anecdotes surrounding card-based drinking games) and, when the girls eventually did head off, I felt a slight twinge of regret. We pre-d a bit more, then I went off to meet somebody from tinder, which was a mistake.! Spotted later that night: Jack with his tinder-ess walking into Cindies.
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! T H E W E E K L Y !! ! ! RANT ! JAMES TAYLOR IS ANGRY ABOUT ! ! THE TAB AND TRINITY’S BAD PRESS... Any Tab readers among you will know that criticism of Cambridge colleges for spending more on wine than on access initiatives is a big issue at the moment. I’m standing up to defend Trinity on this point, and on the point of the constant criticism levelled against our college’s finances. Burdened with being the richest, most glamorous, sexiest Oxbridge college, Trinity’s given a pretty hard time by journalists and students alike. Whether being slated for dodgy investments (*cough* drone manufacture *cough*) or for periodically paying for hawks to scare pigeons in Great Court, old Trin gets the cream of the criticism, yet its charity and philanthropy sadly don’t hit the headlines quite so often!!
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Compared to our sanctimonious college neighbours, Trinity’s budget for the lavish and luxurious is modest. St. John’s spends about £70,000 on access schemes, almost four times less than its wine costs. What’s more, King’s recently revealed to be paying 123 workers less than the living wage - spent a c o l o s s a l £338,559 on !
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This isn’t representative of Travisty’s view, but is it yours?! Contribute to Travisty by emailing travistytrinity@gmail.com
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wine; more than any other college. And who could forget down and out Caius? They’re struggling to find the pennies to give their undergrads bed and board, but a quick whipround the college coffers turns up £150,000 when it comes to buying wine! Emma, Trinity’s biggest academic rival and blessed with a reputation as ‘the nice college’, is no better. Apparently for Emma, struggling schools comes a distant second to swishing sauvignon and swimming pools.!
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And yet we remain as popular a target as ever for financial slur and slander. Ok. Fair’s fair. Trinity’s not exactly running low on the plonk. You know you’re not at your average uni when the student computer interface includes the option ‘order wine’ alongside viewing your print credit and academic schedule. But when it comes to outreach efforts, Trinity is not found lacking. Having spent a total of £470,000 on access initiatives last year, that’s nearly half a million more than Cambridge’s biggest boozers Caius and John’s, there’s simply no room for Trinity trashing.!
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Financially, Cambridge relies on Trinity as much as Trinity relies on Cambridge. Liberally dishing out the dosh to poorer colleges that come in need of aid, and passing its wealth on to those in need through generous bursary schemes, we’re truly a cornerstone of the university. We’re the backbone of Cambridge, the glue that keeps things tight and we deserve a lot less hassle than we get. So next time someone tries to pull the old ‘Trinity’s an evil rich bastard’ c a r d … W h e w e l l know what to say.!
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MAGPIE AND STUMP’S THOUGHT FOR THE DAY GENIUS IS 1% INSPIRATION, 99% PERSPIRATION. THOMAS EDISON As you’re working this week, example sheets and essays slowly building up to a sheer cliff face of the inevitably to-beu n fi n i s h e d , j u s t remember these vital words of Thomas Alva Edison, one of the most prolific inventors of the past hundred years, and get your sweat on. Whether working in your room or the library, or even out in the great wilds of Cambridge City Centre, nothing gets you into the work zone better than absolutely dripping with perspiration. And don’t forget, you don’t need to play sport to achieve this; a cold sweat of fear and dread is just as effective!! Here’s our top tips to getting drenched:! 1. Ask out someone you like. Nothing like the cool taste of rejection to get the blood pumping.! 2. Step out into the road without looking, especially at times of high bicycle traffic. Life flashing before your eyes is scientifically proven to open up them sweat ducts.! 3. G o t h r o u g h t h e m e n o p a u s e , preferably in a sauna. (not suitable for those in a hurry)! Of course, this alone will not amount to genius without the requisite inspiration, but luckily here at Travisty we have the answer for that too. As we all definitely know from our rigorous Latin schooling, inspiration comes from ‘inspiro’, ‘I breathe in’. So here’s our advice to you, hardw o r k i n g Trinitarians: take Watch out for a deep breath the next Magpie & and sweat it out. Stump event on the We can all be 22nd of February geniuses. Or is it at 9:30 pm. genii?
SOOTHE YOUR LONELY HEART OR
SEDUCE YOUR LOVER WITH
BECCA AND MARY’S
“A LONELY COCK TALE” FOR ALL THOSE ALONE ON VALENTINE’S DAY, STOP DROWNING YOUR SORROWS IN VKS, AND START DROWNING THEM IN TRAVISTY’S VERY OWN COCKTAIL… 2 shots Vodka (before making cocktail)
!
2 shots vodka (for in the cocktail) 4 shots human tears A pinch of loneliness 10 shots absinthe Dash of bitter lemon Queue jump for Cindies
VALENTINE’S WORD SEARCH THERE ARE 18 WORDS TO FIND, CAN YOU FIND THEM ALL? IF YOU CAN, THEN YOU WILL FIND TRUE LOVE, IF YOU CAN’T, THEN YOU’RE DESTINED TO BE ALONE FOREVER. GOOD LUCK SEARCHING!
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s t r a e H y l e n o L TRINITY’S
elected TCSU Recently mber seeks committee me htened similarly enlig aring individual, sh n liberal views o tyranny.
Star-struck admirer seeks general knowledge guru. Must have in-depth kn owledge of steam-train serv ices and be willing to pick a fig ht with TV personalities .
Doub le seek -jointed ing o fresh lder, e for fl athletic m r e x ale ib comp anion le ship. !
scholar Sensual seduction. seeking e in the Look out for m wink nd lower library a cious for some lubri loving.
Portly porte r seeking pleasure, c ome collect the packag e that I've got waiting for you in the plodge.
major Trinity f o in ta p a c le Ma eeks casu-, sports team s g, are we kiddin o h w , lly a tu c a bother I don't need to with this.
Matu male c re female ompan s y. and a Must b eeks good l e tidy iste knowle dge of ner. Extensi (for my college go ve ssip e Travis ponymous ty colu preferr mn) ed.!
athlete College love. Must looking for lycra, oarshare lust for urance work, and end ly to sessions. App ring all boathouse du normal hours of sleep.!
WRITE FOR king Mathmo. See to multiply.
TRAVISTY EMAIL: TRAVISTYTRINITY@GMAIL.COM
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