Travisty 20 (#85)

TRAVISTY #20

Early Bridgemas.indd 1

Bridgemas Edition

floreat pica

27/11/2019 01:11:32

Letter from the Editors

Simon Warrener, Lidija Beric, and Shavindra Jayasekera

S A N T A

introduce Trinity’s favourite newspaper

now, not that there has been any yet, but we can hope. It is one of the joys of the season, sitting by a fire with a cup of hot chocolate, watching the world slowly be buried. Unfortunately you’ve still got some more work to do before you can enjoy the idyll I just painted. Sorry. lcohol is another highlight of season. There is a lot to recommend a glass of mulled wine, or two, or more, although I’ve always prefered port myself. Still, whatever your poison is there is sure to be a lot of it avalaible, so drink well and relax after a hard term at Cambridge.

o presents is a worry for all of us. Did that joke go to far? I, for one, know that I’ve been crossed of the Christmas Card list of several people this term. Running downstairs to the Christmas tree is a highlight for us all, and finding nothing there is a disappointment that it is hard to match. raditionally December is a quiet and peaceful time, although this year it has been ruined by the govenrment. Still we urge you to swallow your rage and get out there and vote. It’s only mid-way through advent though so don’t get to angry. lthough I’ve done the best to paint a happy picture for you all of the Christmas to come, something tells me that I haven’t quite succeeded. As an apology to you all here are some festive articles, hope you enjoy.

The Three Socialites Simon Warrener Simon meddles in the affairs of St John's yet again. He is currently on the run from their Dean.

Shavindra Jayekesera

Excommunicate Traitoris All Records expunged.

Lidija Beric Lidija gives up investigate reporting, trying both to sing and to cook. To judge her success at either is left to the reader

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Shavindra remains an ethical man, reaching new heights in his mission to ensure that nothing unsuitable ever gets published in Travisty. As they say, the only winning move is not to play.

2 27/11/2019 01:11:32

In This Issue

Meet the creative team behind this week’s issue 2

Letter from the Editors Travisty Editors

3

This Issue’s Contributors Travisty Editors

4

What your Sainsbury's Isle says about You Eoin Walsh Cutting Room Headlines Eoin Walsh

5

Agnijo Banerjee Returns with a vengeance

A lexander Chamberlain Makes time for an impressive suggestion

One Liners

6

Travisty Writers A Bridemas Barrel of Laughs Arun Prabhakar

7

Cryptic Crossword Agnijo Banerjee and Josh Payne

8

Election Forecast

9

Burrel's Field Protests

A ndrew NG Launches a revolution

A run Prabhakar Has a revalation

Eoin Walsh

Andrew NG Trinity Alternative to Alcohol 10 Agnijo Banerjee Cocktail of the Week Simon Warrener

Eoin Walsh Single handedly carries this magazine

11 King Henry VIII Portrait Alexander Chamerblain Christmas Carols

Muhammad M anji Had a unsuccessful cloudgazing trip

Lidija Beric

12 TrintErrorSoc Cooks

Yuriy Tumarkin Was too fixated with the news

Lidija Beric

14 Trinity and John's to Merge Simon Warrener 15 Pimp my Room 16 Horoscopes

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Eoin Walsh Muhammad Manji

Caption Contest Winner: "Travisty fails to conSEAL Dr Skinner's identiy" Yuta Tsuchiya and Thomas Pink

floreat pica 27/11/2019 01:11:35

What your Sainsbury’s aisle says about you Our shopping correspondent, Eoin, has spent years analysing people’s behaviour in Sainsbury’s whilst he tried to make friends. He was unsuccessful in the latter.

If, like me, you are a human, you probably go to Sainsbury’s. Some of you might even live above it.

Every Sunday at 4:50pm, when I rush to grab some skimmed milk before the store closes, I notice the different crowds that gather in each area, and I have decided to share the conclusions of my research with you.

Zone 1 – The fruit and vegetable aisles:

We get it, you’re healthy. You probably brought your own reusable bag to put your unreasonable amounts of carrots and avocados in. You know you’re going to leave them in the fridge and forget about them, but oh my, will you rub it in everyone’s faces in the meanwhile.

Zone 2 – the drinks and sweets aisle:

The all-nighter fuel aisle. Your body is 90% sugar and caffeine at this stage. People visiting this aisle can be seen grabbing multi-packs of Monster Energy and kilos of Haribos before scurrying to the checkout, hoping not to be recognised. You know it’s not good, but you convince yourself that this is the last time you’ll pull an all-nighter (despite the fact that you’ve said this every week for the last 6 weeks). On an unrelated note, I’m writing this at 3:30am and I think I can see new colours.

Zone 3 – the alcohol aisle:

Ah, the aisle for celebrations, commiserations, or because it’s Tuesday afternoon and you have nothing better to do. From freshers buying Sainsbury’s Basic Vodka to the rest of us who have taste, we all flock here at some point. This aisle is nicely arranged too, from the rosé at one end (for people who need a personality) to the spirits at the other end (for people who will need a new liver by Lent).

Zone 4 – the bakery aisle:

Everyone loves pastries. This aisle tells us nothing. Sorry.

Zone 5 – the pizza corner:

Maybe you had a supervision and couldn’t get to Hall. Maybe you went to Hall but you convince yourself that you’re still growing. Maybe you’ve earned it after a long library session. Either way you’re going to end up eating a full pizza by yourself in your room, and you are not sharing. Not now.

Not ever.

Zone 6 – the cereal aisle:

Wars have been fought over less. Who can forget the Great Granola Drought of Week 3? The cereal connoisseurs can be seen buying Frosties or Cookie Crisp. Those of a more primitive mindset will happily take the same box of Special K, week in, week out. “iT lOwErS mY cHoLeStRoL”, they say.

It lowers you as a human, says I.

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4 27/11/2019 01:11:35

Cutting Room Floor Headlines Eoin gives you the articles that never quite made it

One Liners All I want For Bridgemas is...

Simon Warrener

• Aubergine Tagine and Pitta bread voted Trinity’s favourite meal for 3rd year in a row

Next term

• Internal poll shows that 93% of Fellows say they experience intense fear during supervisions. 7% say they intentionally go to conferences to get out of having to give supervisions

Eoin Walsh

• Trinity is internationally recognised as the location of the first threesome in 1545, which gave rise to its name upon its founding the year after.

• TCWS trip to Paris on 7th December “just an excuse for a piss-up where we can’t get portered”, says committee gleefully • New White Book edits for Lent 2020:

Anyone caught making noise in library can now legally be shot from 5 paces. Guns can be borrowed from the main desk

Due to their alcoholic content, mince pies can only be consumed after signing the Guidance on Sensible Drinking

To discourage plagiarism, the college reserves the right to investigate all potential cases, and if found guilty, the student in question shall be burned at the stake. Scholars can choose to pay a fine instead • Trinity sells Mars to cover USS divorce payment, reducing its planet ownership tally to just 3 • 2nd year caught using Dunlevie Fund to buy several cases of port; is applauded by thier tutor • That white stain on your floor is someone’s vomit from three years ago • Revealed – Fellows are just undergraduates who never completed their exeat forms and thus, have not been allowed to leave since • Suspicions confirmed – study shows that people who work in the Bar are indeed better than you • Trinity purchases CMS, demolishes it, and rebuilds it on the Backs to appease tired mathmos

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lunchbox Lidija Beric An end to one liners A run Prabhakar Jeffrey Epstein did not kill himself Muhammad M anji Christmas formal tickets Shavindra Jayasekera Someone to actually do my article A ndrew Ng Someone to read my articles Agnijo Banerjee Trin to be top of Tompkins Table

floreat pica 27/11/2019 01:11:35

A Bridgemas Barrel (of Laughs) Arun Prabhakar reports some grave news I was walking across Great Court one winter evening, returning from my day job of selling formal guest tickets to people at other colleges for exorbitantly high prices. I cursed the snow for being too snowy, the court for being too great, and the revellers in the bar for not yet having had the joy sucked out of them by the rigours of Part IB (editor: part IB Philosophy?). Bridgemas was stupid and indulgent I thought, and should be abolished. I considered hiring a porter to steal Bridgemas by taking the presents out of each pigeon hole, before realising this would hardly be healthy for the Travisty article ideas list.

Then it happened. Just as I reached the fountain a figure, an absolute unit emerged, climbing outof its pool, ghostlike.

“I AM THE GHOST OF BRIDGEMAS PAST!”

Clearly, he wasn’t - it was Henry VIII. But I didn’t say anything about that though, because if I stayed on his good side I could probably get him into my pyramid scheme. But then the ghost started speaking again. “Do you know what your usuric activities have done? Last year, you sold a Bridgemas ticket to a John’s student!” (Presumably a 500-odd year-old ghost is allowed to make old jokes.) “That money should have gone to Trinity! We could have used it to repair the pool table in the upper JCR.” Impertinent youth that I am, I pointed out that Trinity could probably afford to do this anyway. “Yes, er, well we can’t let the other colleges know we actually have money. It’s our USS policy.” The ghost vanished in a puff of smoke.

I took a step further, but then an ethereal wisp slipped from out of the sundial.

“I AM THE GHOST OF BRIDGEMAS PRESENT!”

This time the words came from the mouth of - no, it was still Henry VIII. “You again?” I asked. “Can’t they find another famous person associated with the college?”

“I’m a rather big lad, you see. I count as two people as once. But - ahem - what have you done now?”

I took a seat on the sundial and twiddled my thumbs, waiting for big Henners to think of something.

“Yes, that’s it. You made wrote a mean joke about some protestors for your last article! You scab. I’ll write a camases about you.” This was pretty low quality stuff, so I suppressed a mutter of ‘ok boomer’ and ignored it. Where do they get these jokes from?

Henry VIII II vanished in a puff of smoke, and I resumed my trek across Great Court. But after only two more steps, yet another ghost emerged, this time out of a pebble. (Look, I was running out of Great Court ornaments.)

“I AM THE GHOST OF BRIDGEMAS FUTURE!”

I was dismayed to hear that Bridgemas wasn’t, in fact, going to be cancelled and replaced with a second exam term, but such worries are small beer to a Scrooge. Henry VIII evidently realised this, as he said: “Look, you’re clearly too sour a bugger to have any sort of moral conversion, but Ithought you might want to know there’s Bridgemas in the Bar right now. I hear the choir will besinging Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la in a minute.” His dastardly reverse psychology worked on me; I repented for my sins, crossed myself while facing John’s, and hurried off to the bar to join

the festive jolliness. They were out of fucking mince pies.

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6 27/11/2019 01:11:35

Cryptic Crossword

Agnijo Banerjee’s and Josh Payne’s brunch brainteaser Email smw86@cam.ac.uk with the crossword answers by 23:59 on Sunday 12th January to be in with a shot of winning the prize. The winner will be drawn at random from all completed solutions.

Prize: Slice of fudge & a signed copy of this week’s issue.

The winner will be announced in the next issue.

Last issue’s winner: Email Me

Get Involved Like what you’ve read?

Join the team.

Email: smw86@cam.ac.uk

Across Across 1

8 9 10 11 12

14

18 20 21

22 23

About to get breath back, medic required for injection into Wales (7) Without sheer chaos within, get wherever (7) Note communist is exhausted (5) Gutted, yet victory almost on the table (7) 20 Down can be obtained in firm, stable part (5) Cardinal points to resort to surrounding ruined case left for the virtuous ruler (9) Equal return after British grid messed up, a month early perhaps? (9) Check and notice it has bend within (5) Instrument of benefit for restraining donkey (7) On second thoughts, forbid revolutionary spikier Japanese therapy (5) Test main process in program (7) Reinforcements primarily hold up shaky tower for Santa (7)

Down 1

2 3 4 5 6 7 13 15 16 17 19 20

Current return to troublesome combat; results in cemetery (8) Students want these strikes (5) Screw up? Make a change (6) Carol, Dotty, Wayne, and I - anagram (4,2,1,6) Crawler defeated everyone, we hear (6) Rebuttal of daughter involved with bizarre alien (6) The usual Agatha Christie novel (4) Small bed - perhaps this is like setter (8) Unusual strain, a form of 5 Down perhaps (6) Fling contributed to alcohol in the bloodstream (6) Extremely sound, containing area that's precious (6) Could be boring exercise? (5) Produce tea for Queen going north, captured in black and white (4)

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Agnijo Banerjee and Josh Payne

floreat pica 27/11/2019 01:11:38

Election Predictions Our democratically chosen Election Reporter, Eoin, brings you his tuppence on the impending doom of this great nation You may have heard about an election that is coming up soon. Of course you have, you’ve been looking forward to this all your life. Look at you, all grown up – finally an adult, registered to vote, (probably) read some manifestos, and you’re ready to send your vote straight into the recycling bin by siding with the Green Party. But that’s just what I think of all Cambridge students.

What if, as my supervisors have been telling me incessantly for years, I am wrong?

To find out, I travelled across the whole of Trinity. From Angel to Whewell’s to Great Court, I interviewed real people, about real issues, and got some real answers. I missed out Burrell’s. Sorry if you live there and have a political opinion. Guess you should have thought about that before you emigrated. Question posed: What do you think will happen in this election?

“A sea of blue shall emerge, of course. Not that I’m Tory, obviously, I only read the manifestos and go to the rallies for the banter” – a fresher who wishes to remain anonymous.

“What election?”. I realised asking another engineer about something non-engineering-related was a dangerous game, especially one who didn’t realise labs were mandatory until Week 3.

“Yang Gang for the win, obviously. Not left, not right – forwards!” – another hopeless case, this time in the form of a fresher who still has their matriculation photograph as their Facebook profile picture (we get it, you go to Trinity. We all do. Most of us got here before you. Learn your place, maggots!)

“All elections are pointless. We choose between some equivocating muttonheads who take turns every few years looking at a different wall in the House of Commons. I can tell you what will happen in this election. Nothing!” – A*** P********. Apparently, this was his way of expressing happiness.

Conclusion?

My years of writing 800-word reports about 20 minutes before the deadline tell me that the sample size is too small to reach a valid conclusion, and because I’m an engineer, I’m allowed to leave it there. Suck on that, humanities. However, as the official Travisty Election ReporterTM, I am obligated to do better. My prediction is therefore:

A hung parliament is announced. Boris resurrects Colonel Pride and arrests everyone except himself and the ERG, branding everyone else “remoaners and traitors”. This results in an immediate passing of the Brexit Bill and the re-establishment of the British Empire. After Emperor Boris I proposes free alcohol to everyone, Trinity is convinced by senior figures to secede and becomes an independent city state. Scotland is nationalised as training ground for the new Knights Templar. A 10th Crusade is announced, promising to be bigger and better than ever.

Divestment is abandoned as the Senior Bursar eagerly pours funds into crusading equipment. I even do my work on time. The sun shines on us all.

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Burrell’s Field Protests turn Violent Andrew reports on violence from the other side of the river Discontent has been brewing for months about Trinity’s decision to force those living in Burrell’s to hand in work, but matters came to a head last week when students, spurred on by copious amounts (one glass) of port, attempted to barricade the entrances to Burrell’s Field. Burrell’s porters attempted to intervene, until the mathmos graffitied all surfaces they could reach with satanic symbols that scared off first responders, with most reporting a great sense of impending doom came over them when looking at what was written. (Later inquiry revealed it to be the missing work, which begs the question of whether it would have been easier to do it on paper…) Reinforcements soon came in the form of Trinity’s main porters who swiftly cleared the rubble and brought all involved to see the Dean. In a few short hours, it was announced that they had chosen to leave the college and continue their studies elsewhere, though those close to the outgoing students have been unable to contact them to ask where exactly such ‘other places’ might be found. Could it be that there are other universities?

Undeterred, more stepped up to continue fighting the good fight, and it transpired that a serious battle plan had been in place for some time. Travisty has only been able to obtain sparse details of what strategies have been formulated, but one source, speaking on condition of anonymity, revealed that the Molotov cocktails used had been purchased by students using their Dunlevie fund. In the meantime, outspoken activists have called upon Trinity to retract its demands that students meet deadlines on grounds that the distance to the rest of Cambridge from Burrell’s means it is impractical to travel out more than once a week, and asked students from other colleges to stand in solidarity with those combatting the tyranny of the dons. Turnout has been quite high, apart from those in Girton, who have complained that the Park and Ride service into Cambridge is too unreliable. The growing fear is that one day protests will spread to other colleges, at which point faculties might have to take notice of the fact that they are teaching these students.

Trinity has set its law fellows to work by having them comb through all 500 volumes of Cambridge statutes, and found one that allows its porters to carry longswords and crossbows at all times, except when the moon is full, at which point they must also have a vial of holy water blessed personally by the Archbishop of Canterbury. Fearing for their lives, porters have adopted this convention and wounded several students when startled, prompting much outrage from the entire student body. CUSU promised to have a vote on whether or not to sign a petition suggesting that Trinity censure the porters. At this point, not even the promise of chocolates every week can ease tensions, but we here at Travisty remain committed to delivering free and unbiased journalism and hope for a peaceful end to hostilities (of course, barring those elusive members of TrintErrorSoc).

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floreat pica 27/11/2019 01:11:38

Trinity Unviels Alternative to Alcohol Agnijo with the latest catering department modernisation Following numerous student complaints about the ban on alcohol, or references thereof, in the college rolled out by the Master, it was decided that an alternative would be provided. From now on, heroin will be served at formals, and will be available for use at events by various societies.

This change was warmly welcomed by many students, with one student saying “At last, I can finally cope with the pain of the example sheets!” Others, however, were not so enthusiastic. One student reported feeling unwell after Christmas Formal, after being served heroin with their mince pie. “I honestly thought it was sugar dust!” Nevertheless, the student is now turning up to formals with a lot more regularity.

Some societies have taken advantage of this to boost membership. The President of the First and Third Boat Club was a firm proponent of the change, citing the failure of other means to get members up at 5am each morning for rowing. Meanwhile, the President of WineSoc complained about the unfair competition, claiming that this was all part of the Master’s plot to get them shut down.

Meanwhile, several members of staff have reacted in various manners. The Master, Dame Sally Davies, welcomed the change, saying that heroin can be healthy if taken in small enough quantities (such as one trillionth of a molecule) and alongside a large amount of fruit and vegetables. The Dean was reportedly less positive, claiming that she personally disapproved but has decided to compromise by allowing heroin on the condition that non-heroin options are also available at every event.

This has had the effect of finally making Trinity popular with other colleges, with students from all colleges regularly coming to Trinity to obtain access to the top-quality Trinity heroin (with Trinity's port no longer being available). One other effect has been to make all formals sold out almost immediately. Issues such as occurred with the Undergraduate Feast (with tickets being sold out before the time they were scheduled to go on sale) are sadly becoming a lot more common, and the average time that tickets are on sale for is currently 1.3 seconds.

Ingredients

Cocktail of the Week

Snow Globe kindly provided to you by the dodgy gift shop down the road

One snow globe, costing no more than £2 Mulled wine A Geography student Expensive brandy One pint of milk

Method

1. Place snow globe on shelf, to calm 2. Force the geographer to create a transparent globe 3. Mix the mulled wine and brandy 4. Poor inside globe, then add milk 5. Leave until Christmas 6. Shake vigorously, and compare to snow globe 7. Bottoms up

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10 27/11/2019 01:11:38

King Henry VIII Painting to be Turned into a Clock Alexander Chamberlain investigates the College’s latest attempt to keep with the times Travisty has it on good authority that plans are underway for the famous painting of King Henry VIII to be turned into a timepiece.

It is not known how the old artwork will be adapted for its new role. Some have suggested that a pair of golden hands be placed in the crest in the upper right corner, so as not to ruin the original painting.

Others have put forth more radical ideas, including removing Henry’s white stocking legs and using them as clock hands, turning the 16th centaury monarch into a veritable yoga instructor.

The motivation for the change has not been uncovered, but many possible explanations have been tabled. Some hypothesise that being acutely aware of the time at every minute of the day will turn the College into a haven of productivity and growth, allowing Trinity to reclaim its rightful place at the top of the Tompkins’s table. Others think it is a ploy by the catering department so that students can no longer use the excuse of ‘checking the time’ to get their phones out during formal dinners. Or perhaps, some say, it is the College giving way to a centuries-old call for ‘modernisation’.

Whatever happens, one thing’s for sure: it can’t look any stranger than the locust sitting on top of the Corpus Clock, and at least tourists won’t block up the pavement admiring it.

Guess the ChristBridgemas Carols Lidija joins the choir 5.

1.

3.

there is just one thing I need

all is rich, all is bright

Gone away in the Christmas vac

Except to colonise old Caius…

that means nothing to our degrees

we’re singing a song as we go home

2.

4.

in a porter-hired taxi

you better be good

I don’t want a lot this Bridgemas, I don’t want anything else in my pidge

Dashing through Trinity o’er the lawns we go

til we’re caught red-footed by the dean.

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Dunlevie, Dunlevie

round the world on your money

here to stay is no one ever

Off to a Cam-free wonderland

You better watch out

6.

you better like (apple) juice I’m telling you why

Had a very shiny budget

Our one and only Dean is coming to town

Trinity the richest college And if you ever saw it

But you won’t, because it all goes into Tesco.

floreat pica 27/11/2019 01:11:38

TrintErrorSoc Cooks: Explosive new Recipes to A nnihilate your Kitchen, only this Bridgemas.

Lidija tries her hand at cooking

TrintErrorSoc knows it is an exclusive society, to which only the highest echelons of Trinity College may even hope to aspire. But as our Bridgemas present to you, TrintErrorSoc has decided to reveal one of its murderingly good recipes so you can try a little bit of TrintError yourselves at home.

Cooked only a fairly conventional, bog-standard Bridgemas dinner this year? With only the usual turkey and 'taters? Want something to really impress your guests for the final round? Sick of boring old traditional Bridgemas pudding?

Make it a special Bridgemas, with a truly unique twist to this absolute classic; taking crowd-pleasing, to crowd-mind-blowing.

Ingredients: 1.

60 litres of arsenic (distilled)

3.

1 candle

2.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

1 cup of gunpowder (finely filtered) 2 litres of Irish whisky (or equivalent 40% alcohol; port is not alcoholic enough, unfortunately) Indefinite amount of charcoal (basically, the more the better- or should we say the bigger…)

1 teaspoon oxidising salt (easily flammable, perfect for when you set it off)

2 large bombshells (seasoned with cinnamon and spice, for that extra Bridgemas kick) 100 grams raisins (you need something edible)

Instructions: 1. er.

Stir the arsenic, raisins and oxidizing salt together. To ease mixing, feel free to use a flamethrow-

2.

Place the two large bombshells in charcoal-lined aluminium foil.

4.

Cover with foil and more charcoal.

6.

Take out and leave the edible mould to set over each bombshell.

3. Pour half of the mixture over each bombshell and ensure full covering (you don’t want guests guessing the surprise!)

5.

7.

Place in a steamer filled with boiling water.

Sprinkle over with gunpowder (for an aesthetically pleasing golden effect)

8. Take a large metal spoon (perhaps not your most delicate Royal Doulton teaspoon, but one you wouldn’t mind, shall we say, discolouring slightly…)

9.

Pour the Irish whisky onto the spoon.

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10. Hold the spoon over the lit candle flame, leaving plenty of time to heat the alcohol (waiting until singed fingers is a good sign it’s ready!)

11. A good tip to speed up the heating process is to preheat the spoon using an open log fire (plenty of those around Christmas).

12. Once the alcohol is hot, it will start to steam and convection currents will be visible in the delicious Irish whisky.

13. To set it alight, simply tip the top of the spoon into the candle flame (or aforementioned open fire, for the particularly impatient).

14. The booze should light up, and in addition to frazzled hair, you should see a slight bluish flame.

15. Move flaming spoon over the two pudding bombs and pour over aggressively.

16. Ensure you have left all plastic decorative items (such as fake holly or tinsel, always a nice touch) on the pudding, as this will add to the dramatic effect of the flame.

17. Some would recommend having some water at the side to quench the flames. However, for the true TrintError experience, this must be avoided. And take care to ensure there are no fire extinguishers in the vicinity either.

18. Others also suggest waiting for the explosions to stop before serving, but I personally always think, why wait?

Disclaimer: Remember, you choose to follow this recipe at your own risk. We cannot confirm if this technique is endorsed by fire departments. Therefore, take care.

Wishing you all very happy pudding exploding lighting experiments this Christmas. See you next term for more cooking fun (or not), only with TrintErrorSoc.

Missed an Issue?

Read Travisty Online www.issuu.com / travistytrinity

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floreat pica 27/11/2019 01:11:38

Trinity College and St John’s College to Merge to Form New College Simon Warrener calls a second referendum

“Finally,” the portly man shouted, “this will end one of the greatest disparities between Oxford and Cambridge. No longer will we Cantabrigians suffer under the depravation and embarrassment of not having a New College. It has long been one of Oxford’s most prestigious and valuable institutions, cradling men such as Richard Dawkins and Tony Benn. Cambridge has been denied this right for too long, and this oppression ends now! Who among you will march with me!”

The crowd was not enthused by the prospect, having barely recovered from the last referendum that they had been subjected to. Most of them dispersed, trudging across the Backs, returning to their respective colleges. The few who remained, less than ten percent of the total, gathered around the portly man, listening with an odd intensity. Before long the man had produced a clipboard and was gathering CRSIDs, his zealous converts already fanning out to preach their new gospel to the masses.

They could be found in the college bars, in the JCRs, and in the halls. They could be found in the streets, in the courts, and on the Cam. Some of them even made their way to Camfess, and the campaign began.

Soon there were none who had not heard of the new referendum, which would prove to be the most exciting and important since the 2011 Alternative Vote one. The motion: “Surely you agree that Trinity College and St John’s College should be merged into a new, more efficient, and generally better New College. We will also give you free chocolate if you vote in favour this.”

With the fair and unbiased motion given a rubber stamp by CUSU, the only thing that was left was for an opposition to the motion to be found. CUSU looked high and low, sent out a dozen emails, and even considered actually asking students what they though in person, but they were simply unable to find anyone willing to take up the role, or at least that is what everyone thought at the time. The ‘No’ campaign leader was later found tied to the underside of the Bridge of Friendship, so it is understandable that it took many years for the body to be found.

As the weeks passed even the most committed of campaigners began to stop reading the emails sent out, and the gaudy posters in the bars no longer merited even a glance. It was clear that it was time for the vote to begin. However, CUSU is not a benevolent God. A third round of hustings was still to be held.

Of course, the ‘No’ campaign never showed up, having long since been assassinated, so it was more of a speech by the ‘Yes’ campaign. Three hours after the introduction the doors were unbarred and the CUSU military police allowed people to leave, there could be no doubt that the six people in the lecture hall were utterly convinced.

Thankfully, even CUSU’s divine power could not drag the campaign out forever, and the voting window began. One could stand in the college bar and see people eagerly log on to the voting app, anxious to make their voice heard in this once in a lifetime opportunity. By people this author of course means the three people who had the misfortune to sit next to him, no one else had even been aware that the campaign was still going on. There was one final controversy still to come, which would awaken some interest in the campaign.

Twelve hours before voting closed it was realised that those at other Colleges were able to vote, which provoked a storm of fury not seen since the Bridgemas Bop ran out of mince pies. It was of course too late to change anything, and the results were soon published. The turnout was record-breaking for CUSU at 8%, with 99% of ballots being for the ‘Yes’ campaign. With that the Masters of Trinity and John’s met to discuss terms although it is feared that the negotiations will take a number of years.

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Pimp my Room, Trinity Edition Worried that Travisty, now full of 2nd years, would be labelled as old and for “ boomers”, the editors commissioned resident young person Eoin to find a new way to connect with the freshers, but without any more sharking.

Is your room empty and boring? That’s because you are, too!

But there is hope. If you follow my 5-step room pimping programme, I guarantee you will be a different person as a result, or your Upay balance back!

1. Get a painting at the Picture Lending Scheme. Make sure to shove some people out of the way. This shows everyone that you’re the big fish in this pond. Not only will it brighten up the place, but you’ll have more time to admire it now that everyone hates you and you can’t leave your room. Bonus points if you “forget” to return it in Lent and create additional difficulty for Trinity staff.

2. Buy a speaker. Any £10 tinny boombox will do. Start playing loud music at all hours – honestly, the worse it is, the better. This will intimidate all your neighbours and ensure no one steals your cutlery out of the communal gyp.

3. Leave the washing up as late as possible, preferably leaving all your stuff in the communal gyp. This inspires admiration from your neighbours as they see how you’re not afraid of bacteria or mould.

4. First formal you go to, steal a Trinity-emblazoned plate, tuck it in your trousers and run for your life. Then every time you see it in your room, you briefly forget how boring your life actually is.

5. Get rid of the shampoo and shower gel in your room. There’s no need for it – just use other people’s stuff each time you go to the showers. You cut down on your own expenditure, and your friends get to buy more types of shower gel as a result. Win-win.

Honestly, the moment I started following this programme, I saw the difference. People hate me.

And I’ve never looked back. And you shouldn’t either. Follow these steps and be well on your way to becoming the worst person you know.

Write for Travisty Come to Writers’ Group!

8:00 pm Mondays in the JCR Email: smw86@cam.ac.uk

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Horoscopes A ries

Muhammad Manji has visions of the future

Do duck quacks echo? You've never really thought about it before. Now the uncertainty is growing inside you, festering, eating you alive. You're not sure how many more sleepless, quackless nights you have left before you finally break.

Taurus

Leo

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Hey you're doing great! You're getting the hang of it. Holding up a bank is stressful, buddy, but you're gonna get through this.

Virgo

You've just come back from a long day of work. Time to relax and make yourself a cuppa. You switch on the news. It's time to play your favourite game, which outdated nineteenth century racial slur are the Tories going to bring back today.

Just a few seconds left.

Your patience is about to be rewarded. Any time now, any time now. Shit you've missed it. Your friends are going to be mad. Those formal tickets really weren't messing about.

Gemini

Libra

Have you ever had that nagging feeling that you're about to make a decision which will ruin your life and those of everyone in the immediate vicinity, destroying your loved ones and alienating those who care about you?

Nope? Carry on then.

Cancer

You're a serial winner. You're always looking forward, hunting your next success. Holding it down on the ground while you squeeze every last breath out of it. Dumping it into the depths of the cam before the sun rises.

Spending the ÂŁ3 you've raided from it's wallet on a celebratory cheesy chips. You're a serial killer.

Cover Photo by Nicolo Robertson on Unsplash

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For every missed deadline this term, Santa Claus will punish you. How many did you say you were on? Looks like you're set for a good old spanking. Don't forget the cuffs.

Scorpio

You are valuable. You are wanted.

You are needed. Despite brexit uncertainty your vital organs would still fetch a pretty price.

I know a guy if you're interested.

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Sagittarius

She was just looking for some fun, and you never really gave it a second thought. Now you're both left hurt and broken.

You've never had a bike accident before.

Capricorn

Don't move an inch - it's a trap.

Maybe someone will come and help you. Maybe it's all over, you wish you'd told your family goodbye one last time. Oh no he's heard you, he's coming for you. You'll never escape the despacito violin man.

Aquarius

Today is your lucky day.

After weeks of checking your pigeonhole to no avail, you finally have some post! You rip open the letter in a fit of excitement! Oh no it's more lib dem propaganda. Back to square one.

Pisces

Green maybe? Like olive or a forest green? Ooo maybe a deep blue would work instead.

Like an ultramarine but not quite royal blue. No no scrap that. It'll look great in purple wouldn't it? A rich deep purple, or perhaps plum. Your word art needs to be spot on to impress your supervisor.

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