Travisty 14 (#79)

TRAVISTY #14

Bridgemas edition

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Letter from the Editors

Alexander Chamberlain, Grace Glevey, and Muhammad Manji introduce Trinity’s only favourite newspaper

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o here it is, Merry Bridgemas! Our gift to you, dear reader, is this wonderful edition of Travisty, full to the brim with news, jokes and satire. Each turn of the page is comparable to opening a present from a Secret Santa—it probably won’t be worth much, nor particularly relevant to you, but you’ll smile nonetheless. Maybe you’ll even laugh a few times. ow, brunch is always an excellent time to sit down and enjoy company with friends, browsing through a fresh copy of Travisty. This issue, we’ve covered all things Christmas—from news of union strikes in the North Pole (Page 8), to the impact of GDPR on Santa’s good list (Page 4). What’s more, you can feast your eyes upon our collection of reimagined Christmas songs and poetry (Page 7, 15, 17), sure to liven up any festive party. If you’re up to it, you can even have a go at writing your own Christmas hit single (Page 9).

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f course, the regulars are back, as well. There’s a Christmassy cryptic crossword to solve and an award-winning photograph to caption. Plus, be sure to turn to the back page to read your horoscope for the coming holiday season, so you know what to expect.

e’re almost finished with Michaelmas now. You can make it through the final week, and finally release the huge breath that you’ve been holding since the start of term.

Who has time to breathe when you’ve got deadlines due, right? Best of luck with the last few days, and don’t forget to enjoy yourselves. You’ll miss this place when you’re away. It really is special. As always, enjoy the issue, and happy holidays! See you in the new year.

The Three Wise Editors And then there were three... We now have a full Editorial team. Hooray! I’m looking forward to working with the other tributes Editors to keep Travisty going strong.

If you’re interested in contributing in the future, do let us know. We’re always looking for more perspectives.

Alexander Chamberlain Muhammad M anji Introducing our new Ethics Editor, sleeping on the job. Questionable ethics.

Questionable Editor. A nice person, though.

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A lexander Chamberlain Santa’s little helpers got muddled up and, on the first day of Christmas, sent a parrot by mistake. Nobody knows what happened to the pear tree.

Grace Glevey Grace is still working on her Christmas hit single, but is worried that ‘Fairytale of Scunthorpe’ won’t have the same ring to it.

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In This Issue

Meet the creative team behind this week’s issue 2

Letter from the Editors Travisty Editors

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This Issue’s Contributors Travisty Editors

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Headlines

7

Uncle A

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Bridgemas Songs

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USLH Strike

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How to Write a Christmas Hit Grace Glevey

Travisty Writers Uncle A Alexander Chamberlain Caroline Bassett

10 Cryptic Crossword Andrew Sellek and Agnijo Banerjee 11 Caption Contest & One-Liners Travisty Writers 12 What’s On in Cambridge

Mina Frost

Cocktail of the Week Muhammad Manji 13 Weather Forecast

Mina Frost

14 Update on TrintErrorSoc

Lidija Beric

15 ’Twas the Night Before Bridgemas Olivia Horne 16 Trinity Invests £2.5 Million in Great Court Sniper Joshua Robey 17 Christmas Poem Anthology Joshua Robey 18 Christmas in Cambridge Muhammad Manji 19 Winter Getaways 20 Horoscopes

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Agnijo Banerjee Alexander Chamberlain

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Agnijo Banerjee Has already achieved his Grasslands Medal. Has now got a Fields Medal in sight.

A ndrew Sellek Isn’t wearing sunglasses in this photo; those are just his eyes.

Caroline Bassett Is protesting for the fair treatment of elves.

Joshua Robey Joshua is Travisty’s resident poet.

Lidija Beric There was an Error loading Lidija’s bio.

Mina Frost Helped us secure the interview on Page 6.

Olivia Horne Exclusively speaks in verse—it’s quite a skill.

rhyming

Shavindra Jayasekera Often confuses Santa with Mark Zuckerberg.

Simon Warrener Scored a hatrick against St John’s.

Yannis Wells Literally always wears a scarf. We’ve been too scared to ask why.

Yuriy Tumarkin Doesn’t eat in Hall—Yuriy gets all of his nourishment from different flavours of fudge.

ALL QUIET ON THE NORTHERN FRONT Worrying as this may be to the reader, Travisty is obliged to report on developments from our front lines on the Fellows’ Bowling Green. It first came to this paper’s attention when the soft staccato of the cannon ceased its echoing through Great Court, leading us to deploy our fearless investigating team. Upon arrival at the trenches, they found both our students and the enemy dragging punts across the Cam to form pontoons.

A shout went up, “For Newton, For Tompkins, and For the Mallard!”

Our investigative team was separated in the mad rush as the pontoons were charged, and they have not seen our esteemed colleague N. O’belprize since. God willing, he has avoided Cripps. They soon found themselves in the middle of a football match, mystifyingly having started amongst the antediluvian hellscape that had become of St

John’s Meadow (it was only later that we learnt that this was its normal appearance and our cannons had in fact been aiming at the John’s Clock Tower).

The match went on in a nail-biting back and forth as accusations of aloof snobbishness were met with counter-accusations of uncaring elitism. It appeared at half time that St John’s had the field, but thanks to a last-minute intervention by the Master we won 33 to 9.

Our investigative team reports that there was talk of students of Trinity and St John’s using this match to form bonds between them. We have heard that there were rumours of the eagle finally turning its gaze towards our College, the bridge between John’s and Trinity being unlocked for the first time, and Trinity buying a bell for John’s to commemorate the first recorded dialogue in centuries.

We know such reports are hard to imagine, but we urge you, good reader, not to panic, for order was soon restored amongst our students after swift intervention by the commissariat (offers of thanks should be sent to the Porters’ Lodge).

Our investigative team reports their hearts being bolstered through the calls, “Do you go to this College?” and, “Get off the Lawn.” Discipline was soon restored, and we fell back in good order across the pontoons, just in time to avoid the punts being rammed aside by impatient tourists risking everything for the Bridge of Sighs.

Some of you may be wondering what happened to our fraternising students after they displayed such moral degeneracy. Fear not good reader, all perpetrators were swiftly reported to the Dean, and should, Greg willing, be sent down.

Simon Warrener

‘GOOD LIST’ HIT BY GDPR REGULATIONS It is well known that there exists a monopoly in the gift industry: not Amazon, not Ali Baba— namely Santa Claus. Claus Co. has dominated the market for generations and pioneered the massproduction and delivery of presents for billions of children on the 25th of December. However, there are claims that recent data protection legislation has dealt a serious blow to the performance and reputation of the company.

Due to GDPR regulations, parents of European children were sent

consent forms regarding data stored on their children. Those who bothered to read the small print were appalled to discover that this data involved 24/7 observation of their children’s lives. For maximal surveillance, children were microchipped so that Santa has adequate information (sleeping and eating habits, recordings of conversations, daily movements) in order to determine whether the children have been ‘naughty’ or ‘nice’. Those who have been placed in the naughty list are given a

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probationary period where they are informed of their misbehaviour and given time to atone for their sins.

Children receive these messages as voices from their chip—many parents now suspect that the imaginary friends of their children are warnings from the old man, Claus. It is also as of yet unclear what the criteria are for the wellbehaved-ness of a child, but a Freedom of Information request has been submitted to seek clarification on this matter.

Shavindra Jayasekera

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FUDGE SHOP SET TO GO SANTA FINED

OUT OF BUSINESS

The Fudge Kitchen on King’s Parade is set to declare bankruptcy after all of its fudge was eaten by approximately 250 first-year Mathmos who queued up after their Differential Equations lecture and asked for free samples until the shop ran out of stock.

The Kitchen’s owners, Ms F and Mr Udge, were quick to reply when we reached out for comment. “It’s not rocket science; you can’t have a fudge shop without fudge,” Ms F explained.

“Of course we could make more, but they’ll come the next day and eat it again­—we simply can’t keep up with so many hungry Mathmos.”

As Mr Udge mentioned, this was not completely unexpected, “The Trinmos have been doing this for years, but there are only 40 or so of those and we could manage. In fact, that was the bread and butter of our business model—the tourists would see a queue on King’s Parade and assume it was for tickets into the King’s College Chapel. Most of them then just bought a bit of fudge so as not to have wasted the time when they realised we were in fact affiliated to neither any king nor any chapel, but with some of the more clueless ones, we were able to convince them that a block of our Strawberry and Banana Soviet Flag FudgeTM was the only legitimate ticket for the College.”

However, the owners still do not quite understand how the new development came about. “For them to bring along the rest of the year, I mean this must have required some Trinmos to talk to Mathmos from other Colleges!”

Ms F exclaimed with bewilderment.

“We simply didn’t realise they had this ability!” Mr Udge joined in.

Asked whether they could expand their old business strategy to take advantage of the Mathmos as they did before, Ms F sighed, “It’s hopeless. The queue lasted all the way to Pembroke—no tourist ever ventures that far.”

In fact, this long queue has caused other problems in the city: please see our article “Major Setback for Cambridge Tourism as Tourists Unable to Find Corpus Clock Hidden behind Crowd of Mathmos Queueing for Fudge” for more details.

Ms F and Mr Udge are now considering starting again, but this time they are planning on opening a greengrocer’s in the same location, They hope that this should at least be Mathmo-proof.

Yuriy Tumarkin

Write for Travisty Come to Writers’ Group!

8:00 pm Mondays in the JCR Email: amc240@cam.ac.uk

FOR SOOTY FOOTPRINTS IN COLLEGE

The College has decided that Santa Claus will be fined for every sooty footprint that he has left behind whilst delivering presents at the College, in accordance with the implementation of a £20 charge for leaving mess around the College.

Trinity expects to gain a hefty amount per year from these fines, as their past data indicates that he leaves well over 500 sooty footprints in Great Court alone, not to mention the hundreds more in the other accommodation areas. The payment of these fines will hence produce tens of thousands of pounds for the College from Christmas Day. Trinity has also decided to retroactively fine Santa for past infractions, but they have been willing to decrease the charge to merely £10 per infraction. This does still, however, mean that well over 100 years of gift-giving will result in a fine approaching, or even exceeding, £1,000,000.

When asked about the rationale behind fining a ‘mythical figure’, a spokesman from the College said, “He is most certainly not mythical, and we have the sooty footprints to prove it.” Perhaps this settles the debate as to whether Santa Claus exists, once and for all. Travisty expects that this will not be the last that we hear of ‘mythical characters’ being fined, and we have a strong suspicion that the Easter Bunny will have to pay up for constant littering.

Yannis Wells

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JACK FROST STRUGGLES TO FIND WORK-LIFE BALANCE Travisty has managed to secure an exclusive interview with the personification of winter himself, enabling us to share a unique insight into the life of a young lad trying to juggle his studies with bringing about winter.

He agreed to meet for an interview, but he had a specific location request—down the refrigerator aisle in Sainsbury’s. It was next to the full fat organic milk that the peculiar conversation took place.

It began with the usual biographical questions, also these yielded surprisingly interesting and unexpected answers. Born several miles away from the North Pole during the most recent ice age, Jack journeyed down to what is modern-day Scandinavia, where he spent the next few thousand years living a quiet, nomadic lifestyle, surviving off the earth and keeping to himself.

Eventually, however, he longed for human interaction, so he began frequenting Nordic towns, where he soon became quite a

legend for his unnatural ability to freeze liquid at a touch (albeit not as legendary as his brother Midas’ ability to turn objects to solid gold). However, due to his indefinite lifespan and innate shyness, his interactions lacked emotional connection, leaving many to believe he was just cold and unfriendly.

As the years passed, Jack ventured around Europe, where we was mistaken for an old man, an old woman and even a giant, at times.

However, when he came to Great Britain, people saw him for the teenager that he was (in looks, at least, not age).

Recently, Jack has looked for a new passion to pursue, so he enrolled at Cambridge University to study NatSci. After several thousand years on the planet to study, he found his A-levels rather trivial.

However, the Cambridge course has been intense for him. He now struggles to find time to study while maintaining his worldly duty to bring about the timely coming of winter.

“Many might have noticed that my winters are becoming a little more sporadic,” he explained.

“I’m struggling to keep up with problem sheets, reading, and, you know, frosting all of the windows in College every morning.”

“This whole climate change business is really impacting my powers,” he added. “It feels as if everything around me is getting hotter.”

After graduating, Jack is intending to pursue a PhD in climatology, focussing on modelling the decrease in polar ice over the next century. He hopes that his research will help him come up with a strategy to counteract what could be a devastating chain reaction.

Next time you’re thinking of leaving your light on, or driving when you could quite easily walk or cycle, spare Jack a thought, and perhaps do what’s best for the planet instead.

Alexander Chamberlain

LBGTREE

This academic year will see the flourishing of the ‘LGBT flowers’ on the Backs in Spring, and we can’t wait. It may not be a big gesture, but it marks the start of progress for LGBT+ representation in College, whilst acknowledging the need for improvement. But ho ho hold up! As we await the results of the flag survey which circulated not too long ago, College must be cautionary with how much Pride they allow.

To this end, College will only be decorating Hall’s Bridgemas Tree,

the focal point of our beautiful dining space during this festive period, with exclusively black baubles and strictly no tinsel—it’s far too sparkly. Yes, money will still be invested in this tree (and another for the bar) even though not everyone in the College celebrates Christmas, but it’s absolutely, categorically, definitely not political. How could it be? Christmas and Christmas trees are all fun and games, no harm done.

Unlike the LGBT flag.

Get Involved Think you can do better?

Join the team.

Email: amc240@cam.ac.uk

Grace Glevey

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Uncle A

Travisty’s agony uncle returns to solve your most pressing concerns Dear Uncle A, I’ve heard a lot about these Apple thingamajigs lately. What are they and should I ask Santa for one?

Unsure student Dear unsure student, Of course you should ask Father Christmas for an apple. In fact, why stop at one? They come in packs of six these days and will keep you healthy. What’s more, I hear that if you have one every day, then they keep the doctor any annoying medic friends away.

Win win, right?

Uncle A —

Bridgemas Songs

Alexander Chamberlain rewrites Christmas classics If Only, If Only “If only, if only,” Father Christmas sighs, “The fat ‘round my waist wasn’t as wide.”

While the child waits below, tired and lonely, And cries to his parents, “if only, if only.”

Travelling Home for Christmas Driving home for Christmas, yeah.

Flying home for Christmas, yeah.

Taking the train home for Christmas, yeah.

Staying in College paying 1/70th of the termly room rent per night because I’m not going home for Christmas not because I don’t want to sometimes it’s just easier to stay in College I really like it here but it is sad when my friends leave but at least I can look forward to them coming back in January, yeah.

Dear Uncle A, Each year, I try to build a gingerbread house with my boyfriend, but it always falls down. What should I do?

Ailed Architect

Rocking Around the Apple Tree Rocking around the Apple Tree, Let all things gravity drop, For understanding, Newton pleas, But gravity just won’t stop.

Dear ailed Artitect, Build it out of concrete. Have your six years here taught you nothing?

Uncle A

You will get an amusing feeling, When you see, Tourists taking photographs, In front of ‘Newton’s Apple tree’.

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Away in a Lecture Away in a lecture, no crib for a bed, The little sweet Mathmo lay down his sweet head.

The notes on the chalkboard look down where he lay, The little sweet Mathmo still snoring away.

Dear Uncle A, Why is it called Bridgemas?

Etymology fan Dear etymology fan, Because Cammas looks dumb.

Uncle A

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USLH Strike

Caroline Bassett sheds light on the true ‘magic’ behind Christmas Christmas could be cancelled after the USLH (Union of Santa’s Little Helpers) recently went on strike.

Complaints of low wages, zero-hour contracts, and no holiday pay are numerous amongst the elves working in Santa’s factories, resulting in an altogether frosty atmosphere in the run up to the festive season. We sent a reporter to find out more.

“It’s absolutely despicable the way that we are treated,” says Noel Evergreen, drawing his thin coat over his shoulders and narrowing his eyes, before bursting into a hacking cough. Evergreen is one of the leaders of the USLH, and has been instrumental in their efforts to organise in the face of, what they call, a concentrated attack against them, despite the chest infection that has been plaguing him ever since he lost his eligibility for health insurance coverage last year.

“It signals a complete lack of respect for the workers whose labour makes Christmas possible. Without us,

no presents are produced or delivered. More importantly, the demands that are made of us are harmful to our well-being—it is impossible to work round the clock without there being harmful consequences. It’s like Marx said, ‘Capital is reckless of the health or length of life of the labourer, unless under compulsion from society.’”

We asked Evergreen if he had anything he would like to say to Santa directly, but unfortunately what followed was not printable in this fine publication under the despotic reign of our new Ethics Editor.

A worker who requested to remain anonymous had this to say about the recent strike: “All I want for Christmas is you? More like ‘All I want for Christmas is yew’, ‘cause I don’t have hardly any wood left to burn in my cabin and the little’uns’ll catch the death of cold. The strike is going well, I’d say, although no thanks to Comrade Rudolph, the scab—he’s gone back to work. How dare he wear his red nose when we’re

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out here suffering together?

Santa’s the worst, though, of course. I remember when we all lived in a commune and just made toys for the sheer joy of it; now he’s tasted too much champagne and caviar to remember what it’s like to be a normal, honest worker, like us.”

The stress of the strike seems to have got Santa a little hot under the collar, and he only gave us a few moments.

“I mean, I know that I wear a red suit, but that’s just because it’s a cheerful colour, not because I’m a filthy commie. Holiday pay? What do they expect? They only work during the holidays! This is just another example of snowflakes and their entitled expectation that they might be able to afford to live. In my day, you just died—and you were happy about it!”

The USLH has called on miners’ unions all over the world to join them in striking, despite the record demand for coal in people’s stockings this year.

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How To Write a Christmas Hit Grace Glevey helps you write the perfect holiday earworm

As we all know from ‘About a Boy’, writing a Christmas smash hit can guarantee a fat paycheck every year with little upkeep. In 2013, it was estimated that Mariah Carey’s jam ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ had earned $50 million—with all that dollar in the bank it’s no surprise that she’s turning to acquiring humans. Here is a run-down of the things you can do to (maybe) guarantee you success in not only achieving a Christmas number one, but a Christmas earworm; something that recurs year after year, earning you the big bucks as well as the right to a little slice of Christmas spirit itself.

Below is a list of the different approaches you can take for success, and some example tunes, all coming from someone who has never written a Christmas number one…but hey, who needs writing when all Christmas songs sound computer-generated anyway?

This is a disclaimer to say that one assumes you’ll be using sleigh bells. They’re the most jingly, festive part of a Christmas drum kit, and have been said to represent the heartbeat of an infant Rudolph in the snow. Aww. 1. An RnB remix of old classics Destiny’s Child - 8 Days of Christmas Jackson 5 - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

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You don’t need to write a new song! Yes, you cynics might think Christmas has been reborn as a capitalist ploy to milk us of our cash—but oh no, these songs represent the extent of re-using and recycling. Keep it green, people.

2. Narrate Christmas Day Slade - Merry Christmas Everybody Wizard - I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday What better way to anticipate Christmas than to remember how it goes in song? Hanging up stockings, waiting for the family to arrive and leaving it very late to make sure you have enough room to accommodate, asking some very integral Christmas-science questions about the logistics of reindeer flying. Let’s keep it festive by asking the questions and leaving no room for the answers that the kids aren’t ready to hear yet.

3. Exploit Christmas Tropes!

Literally talk about any festive inanimate object Cliff Richards - Mistletoe and Wine Kim Wilde, Mel Smith - Rocking Around The Christmas Tree 4. Go political(ly incorrect) Band Aid - Do They Know It’s Christmas John Lennon & Yoko Ono -

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Happy Xmas (War is Over) Christmas is a time for taking stock of what you have, being thankful, and dreaming of world peace.

5. Tenuously link the song to winter or love but film the music video in white coats S Club 7 - Never had a Dream Come True East 17 - Stay Another Day 6. Win The X Factor and/or feature in the John Lewis Christmas advert (As with number 4, feel free just to slow down any song you’ve already released or cover someone far more successful than you, so the corporation you work for doesn’t have to pay as much in royalties).

Alexandra Burke - Hallelujah Ellie Goulding - Your Song 7. Actually talk about the Messiah When a Child is Born Mary’s Boy Child 8. Do whatever you darn well please Fairytale of New York is iconic for a reason and earns writers around £400,000 every year!

It just goes to show that no one actually buys into the kind of songs demonstrated above.

Except we do. . .

Cryptic Crossword Andrew Sellek’s Brunch brainteaser

Email amc240@cam.ac.uk with the crossword answers by 23:59 on Sunday 16th December to be in with a shot of winning the prize. The winner will be drawn at random from all completed solutions.

Prize: Slice of fudge & a signed copy of this week’s issue.

The winner will be announced in the next issue.

Last issue’s winner: Josh Payne

Get Involved Like what you’ve read?

Join the team.

Email: amc240@cam.ac.uk

Across 1 3 6 8 9 10

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Party time period (3) Walkway said to be surrounded by water (5) 18 seen in Tesco Metro (5) Perth loon goes crazy at Santa’s workshop (5,4) 18, 9 found in centre of ovens (5) Hail, as a roman might Mary, virgin, primarily in hospital department (3) Girl from the night before (3) Cornish grockle ends festive daydream, escapism time spent (5) Poem about myrrh spilt on elf ’s head—not right (5) Nevertheless, abominable 4 loses tail (3) Flier reading room about one (German) river (8) Cover, typically with marzipan topping (4) No hour for heart to be given away—George and Andrew saved from this sign of unhappiness (4) Submarine instrument loses time for biblical reading (8) Memory of a shepherd’s ward (3) Gabriel, perhaps, appeared before court (5) Medic to start vacation in, that is to say, a car journey (5) Peacemakers about right for making 22 (3) Ned returns to Grotto (3) Vessel used to verify 18 (5) Law scenes played out by benevolent monarch (9) Robert is at home with bird (5) Country’s leaders’ enjoy goose, Yorkshire pudding & ’taters (5) In the beginning, God was in the Alpha and the Omega (3)

Down 1 2 3

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5 6 7 14 16 17 19 21 22 24 25 26 28 29 31 32

Fellow leads the First Nowell, hesitantly a 18 (6) Bird found in Asia Minor (6) Sportsman broke down at Bethlehem, after losing edge— lacking thiamine perhaps? (7) Cold figure, one with Minnows swimming around without paper (7) Leave broken axe on top of tree after taking ecstasy (5) A hundred above the concealment (5) Listen out for decorations (6) You’ll hear this at Christmas (40 Organ heard before both ways (3) It’s absolutely freezing, love (4) Saint Burl? (4) Relations take note of magus (4) Ate out for afternoon meal (3) Ice hymn about Santa’s entry point (7) Quietly dislike a gift (7) Craned over to see 18 (6) Thought, as one might about a drink (6) University and Jesus, altogether (6) Heavily loaded deal collapsed before end of negotiation (5) Seek water by ship (without top of hull) before star initially appears above the East (5)

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Andrew Sellek with help from Agnijo Banerjee

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Caption Contest Your chance to win big

One-Liners Words of wisdom from Travisty’s writers

What We’ll Miss About Cambridge Agnijo Banerjee

Weeks that start on Thursday.

A lexander Chamberlain

The incessant bell ringing every Sunday.

Caroline Bassett

The sense of camaraderie found in a grim nod between two students passing each other.

Grace Glevey

The culture—Scunthorpe doesn’t quite compare.

K erem Ergene

Being able to keep myself busy enough that I don’t think about how I’m actually doing.

Ducks on the grass? What are they doing there?

You decide...

Email amc240@cam.ac.uk by 23:59 on Sunday 16th December with your best caption to be in with a shot of winning.

Prize: Slice of fudge & a signed copy of this week’s issue.

Winning captions will feature in the next issue.

Last issue’s winner:

Next term.

Lidija Beric Mina Frost

Sainsbury’s being 20 minutes away.

Muhammad M anji

Most of my deadlines.

Olivia Horne

Being able to see the stars.

Simon Warrener

Thoughtful, considered, and nonpartisan debate at the Union.

‘Suddying hard’

Shavindra Jayasekera

Sleep deprivation.

by Jack Eastwood

Yannis Wells

Getting to sleep at a decent time.

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What’s On in Cambridge

Mina Frost gives you some events for your calendar You could just do like me and browse through Facebook’s calendar, but in case you don’t have time, here’s a sample of the best things to do in Cambridge as term comes to an end: • Head along to Medwards today at 4 pm for a tour of the New Hall Art Collection, which focuses on artists who have broached the themes of motherhood and otherhood.

• The Cambridge Homeless Outreach Programme is hosting their first charity open mic night this evening, in support of the Cambridge Churches Homeless Project!

There will be a variety of performances from singers, bands, comedians and poets—all loosely based around themes of home and belonging. At the Portland Arms, starting at 9:30 pm.

• May Week Alternative are hosting a squash with free snacks and drinks, on Monday 26th from 7.30 pm in St John’s Old Divinity School (Lightfoot Room). This is the opportunity to ask the committee questions about the project and find out how to get involved!

• The CU Show Choir Greatest Show is happening on Tuesday 27th at 8 pm! Get ready to revisit songs from all your favourite musicals, well-loved numbers from Disney The Lion King, Hairspray, Wicked, The Greatest Showman, and many more! Expect to be entertained, amused, moved, and inspired by this night of song and dance.

COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK

Greg-nog

The perfect Winter warmer

Ingredients 1/3 cup of milk 1 egg yolk

1 teaspoon of cinnamon, nutmeg and other spices 1/4 cup of rum

1/3 cup of cream 1/8 cup of sugar 1/4 Nobel Prize

Method 1.

Add milk and cinnamon, heat slowly for five minutes.

3.

Slowly add milk to the egg mixture.

2.

4.

5.

6.

Combine egg yolks and sugar, whisk until fluffy.

Cook over a medium heat until thick.

Stir in rum, nutmeg and cream, and shavings from the Nobel Prize.

Refrigerate overnight before serving.

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Weather Forecast

Mina Frost uses her surname to predict the Cambridge weather There’s really no good way of putting this—trust me, I’ve been trying. It’s Week 8. The deadlines are piling up, the sun sets at 4 pm, and you’re just realising how bad the heating system in your room is. So that’s why birds fly south for winter… Maybe ‘migration’ is a good enough excuse to not give in an essay?

Back to the serious stuff. I’ve been doing my usual staring-out-the-window-in-lectures, ready to feed back with my impressively accurate meteorological bulletin.

When it’s not night time, it’s grey. And cold. And wet. Sometimes, there’s a blinding light emerging from behind the clouds, which I am told is sun—I doubt I’m getting my daily dose of vitamin D from it though. It’s so dark that most of day is prime nap time.

But enough of that negativity—today is Bridgemas! Wrap yourselves up warm and rejoice in the festive cheer that attempts to take over Cambridge every winter. Look after each other—if you’re stuck for Secret Santa ideas, Lemsip and Strepsils make an ideal gift.

Missing

His Majesty the Bird Name: His Majesty the Bird Last seen: Trinity Bar Description: White and black. About yay high and nay wide.

Reward: Twenty pounds stirling Contact: Jovan Powar or Muhammad Manji Wanted: Mr F. Fox (Dead, alive or taxidermi-fied)

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Travisty Investigates: Update on TrintErrorSoc

Lidija Beric reports further on the society behind the St John’s gunpowder plot Currently writing this article hanging upside down in the top-secret-impossible-tofind-and-definitely-not-opento-journalists headquarters of the TrintErrorSoc with an exclusive update on their new Christmas plans. I’m happy to inform you that the members of this very exclusive club are looking forward to the festive season just as everyone else is, suggesting that there is yet hope for the futures of these sad individuals, who are being encouraged by Trinity welfare staff to stop devoting so much time to TrintErrorSoc events and to get back on track to get a first.

Indeed, their excitement about Christmas is practically explosive. I’ve been fortunate enough to get an interview with the co-director of the TrintErrorSoc Christmas Operation who has been so kind as to give us an exclusive guide on how to add more than just a little sparkle to the season’s celebrations!

He begins with a Zoella-style rundown of his favourite Christmas favourites:

Introducing all-new malleable, super light density, exceptionally loud Christmas Cracker

Detonators-the absolute envy of bank safe blowers who are allegedly ‘doing all they can’ to get their hands on a crater of these beauties. A must-have for any Christmas table, and a sure way to solve the problem of unexpected guests at this very personal and special time of year (I’m thinking family members, close friends, the cat…).

Struggling to get the kids to stop eating so much turkey and to leave you most of it instead? Then this Christmas, don’t skimp on a bog-standard supermarket turkey, but splash out on the black market seasonal special: Combustible Turkey Feast (this product can also be used in conjunction with the all-new malleable super light density exceptionally loud Christmas Cracker Charges to let unwanted guests know how you truly feel about them with only minimal effort on your part!)

And finally, for those of you looking ahead to New Year, look no further than these fantastic faux fireworks designed especially to be safe around children: shock your guests with a firework display to remember as they sit back, ex-

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pecting to see an array of colourful pyrotechnics scattered across the starry night sky and instead receive an electrifying experience that will really help start off the new year with a bang! (Certain side effects include light charring.)

There you have it, three recommendations for how to procure the most enjoyment out of this happy, exciting time, from the one and only co-director of the TrintErrorSoc Christmas Festive Operation.

If you were expecting the now numb-eared journalist to finish off this article, don’t be too disappointed. She very kindly offered to test out one of the aforementioned products in a last-minute test run as a service to you, dear reader. We can now confirm that they are all working as they should.

However, her hands-on experience has, unfortunately, left her no hands for writing, which means that she won’t be able to end the article herself or indeed carve the turkey—a double shame.

By Lidija Beric and the co-director of the TrintErrorSoc Christmas Operation, who has asked to remain unnamed for reasons unknown.

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’Twas the Night Before Bridgemas Olivia Horne relives Bridgemas Eve in rhyming verse

’Twas

the night

before Bridgemas,

when all through Great Court,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a Port­—

Er; the stockings were hung in the mail room with care, In hopes that our Santa soon would be there;

The students were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of cheese straws danced in their heads;

Their gowns were draped over the backs of their chairs, Ready for the race to a formal, the run down stairs, Hoping to manage to sit with their friends,

And not, yet again, get stuck right at the ends, Of a table full of people, the only thing,

They have even slightly in common with being,

A store of photos of Great Court in all weathers; Sitting in silence, at the end of their tethers,

But staying strong at the thought of something better: Sir Gregory Winter in a Christmas sweater,

As he enters the Lodge, exclaiming, to all in sight, HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL,

AND TO

ALL A GOOD NIGHT!

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Trinity Invests £2.5 Million in Great Court Sniper

Joshua Robey digs up the lastest rumours surrounding Trinity’s sharpshooter Travisty can reveal that—despite the College’s longstanding denial that one exists—Trinity recently invested £2.5 million in the infamous Great Court sniper, a shadowy figure who has previously been named as Hazel Ashley. This information has only come to light after Trinity alumnus and OAP-botherer Richard Osman inadvertently launched a freedom of information request during a particularly riotous recording of Pointless.

Travisty further believes that the sniper, Reverend Hazel Ashley (who since our last issue has, we believe, been ordained) has accepted the vast pay-rise in return for an increased remit.

Insider sources suggest that this cash injection will be a shot in the arm for the sniper’s activities, the shoot-to-kill policy expanded to encompass the whole year, rather than just full term.

The role of College sniper has a long, blood-spattered history, the role inherited through a complex combination of birthright, quick-fingered skill, a ritual involving a St Johns student and a punt, and steadfast loyalty to the College. The sniper is positioned to maintain order in Cambridge’s largest court. Traditionally the sniper has been responsible for teaching non-fellows who walk on the grass a lesson, and deterring tourists almost as strongly as the £3 entry fee.

Yet Travisty believes she has recently had her responsibilities as College sniper hugely increased,

adding extra tasks such as sniping in Nevile’s Court to her obligations. She has also been given permission to shoot interviewees in December if deemed necessary, and following from her ordination, Ashley will be conducting a fortnightly service in the College Chapel. Rumours have also linked the sniper’s activities to the recently reported £2.5 million Trinity has invested in arms companies. It is believed that anyone drawing too much attention to this fact is in her firing line, explaining why the editorial team of Varsity is currently so depleted.

Though this is very much speculation, this development adds fuel to the fire that Trinity is engaged in a secret arms race with Emmanuel, the only College to have a larger investment portfolio in weapons companies—almost £2.9 million. The total across all Cambridge Colleges is £6.5 million, meaning that between Trinity and Emmanuel it is pretty much a twohorse race, though with careful spending, Trinity could soon overtake Emmanuel in what has been dubbed an ‘Inter-College Cold War.’ After some serious consideration and navel gazing, Travisty’s team decided to follow up further, alarmed by the idea that the College were involved in an industry potentially promoting conflict, especially in the Middle East. However, after being on hold to BAE Systems (one of the eight arms companies Trin-

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ity has invested in) for what felt like the duration of the Iraq War (8 years, 10 months) we gave up.

Tracking down the sniper for comment, our Kevlar-clad reporter gleaned this enlightening statement on the true state of affairs: ‘The idea that war is in any way the aim is entirely erroneous. It is actually a celebration of Christmas. With advances in fighter jet technology, Mr Claus will finally be able to ditch his rusty old sleigh and zoom through the skies in an F-22 Raptor. Could anything be more Christmassy?’

Travisty does not wish to comment directly on the opinions of the sniper, obviously. If anyone wishes to criticise the sniper, Travisty strongly advises its readers that the sniper’s chapel service runs on alternate Tuesdays at 6:15 pm. Otherwise, a tactful silence might be most appropriate.

Thus, with our misunderstanding comprehensively resolved, it is with great relief that Travisty can thank Trinity College for its continued support for the festive season and can wholeheartedly support the investment of funds in the college sniper. Travisty appreciates its editorial independence and strongly wishes to avoid repercussions at the hands of the College or the sniper, and we wish further to express gratitude for the College’s financial backing for the printing of Travisty. It is good to know the College has the students in its sights.

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Christmas Poem Anthology

Joshua Robey presents a veritable feast of Christmas poems Away in a Manger

“She’s in a stable condition,” the midwife said to Joseph, It took him all of four seconds to get the joke, “You’re very good at delivery,” he replied, And they high-fived and laughed and went down to the local inn together, They shagged in the star-light, Behind the fully booked Premier Inn, Whilst Mary dealt with all the placenta singlehanded.

The Light of Life

The damn camel ran out of petrol halfway to Bethlehem, Joseph called the AA, To no avail, And Mary had to heave forth the Messiah in a layby, Bathed in starlight.

Christmas Drinks

Johnny poured 36 tots of brandy to leave out for Santa, He put them on the hearth bit by the fire, And retreated from view, If they were still there at 1 am, He’d have to finish them himself, It was hardly his fault if Santa didn’t deign to arrive, He’d just assume Santa was running a bit late, What with all his present delivery, Still, Santa would be here any day soon, For it was now the 27th of June.

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Under the Mistletoe

Mrs Frinton removed the mistletoe from her husband’s belt, And gave him a two-year ban from going carol singing, He said he was just trying to draw attention to the problems in their marriage, “What problems?” she yelled after him, As they went to their separate bedrooms.

The Miracle of Birth

Mary got pregnant again, She wondered if she could get the whole ‘immaculate conception’ thing to work another time, Worth a try at least anyhow.

Epiphany

On the 13th Day of Christmas, My true love gave to me, Gift receipts for the last week and a half, In case I wanted any of the birds in different sizes, Definitely a keeper.

Treble Trouble

Eric’s balls dropped halfway through the solo of Once in Royal David’s City, The rest of the choir shuffled uncomfortably, But the boy/man handled the key change like a pro, Received a rapturous ovation from the crowd, As he surfed between the pews on their outstretched hands, It was a good nine minutes until they got round to singing the second verse.

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Christmas in Cambridge

Muhammad Manji pits expectation vs. reality in his latest piece We’ve all been there, drifting off in a supervision and passing into a realm of Pro Plus fuelled semi-lucid dreams; picturing the hallowed lawns of Great Court covered in a layer of dazzling white. Snowflakes are streaming through the air, heavier than your supervisor’s crushing feedback which is still echoing through the back of your mind as you drift off.

You resist the urge to immediately capture the moment and upload it to Instagram, instead taking a few moments to absorb it all.

You can feel your head slowly tilting forward and your elbows giving way, and before you know it you’re snapped back to the real world, back to your supervision but now with a nosebleed and awful headache.

And after surviving the last 20 minutes of what was probably the most embarrassing supervision of your life, you realise that it was a stupid dream anyway—we haven’t had a white Christmas since 2010 and you were just projecting your own idealised thoughts of Cambridge onto Great Court to avoid dealing with the question your supervisor was repeatedly asking you. To be perfectly honest, you didn’t hear him the first seven times and when you finally did you had absolutely no idea how the conversation had digressed so far from when you last had an input.

You tell yourself it was his accent, but it wasn’t.

You give a despairing glance at your supervision partner as they walk away, and they smirk back at you. After all, they just had the best supervision of their life. The next day they would go on to email your DoS to request more supervisions with you. Your supervisor would also email your DoS, requesting fewer supervisions with you.

In a spontaneous moment of indecision, your DoS would reply yes to both of them, and then spend a few hours rearranging supervision partners to avoid having to back track.

You certainly don’t feel very Christmassy as you walk back to your room in the early evening, the cold Cambridge air stinging your face. And you wonder what a truly Cambridge Christmas feels like. Or Bridgemas, or whatever they call it these days. And so, you spend the evening of the 24th of November thinking about it, and by the time the clock strikes 1 am, indicated by the awful buzzer sound which indicates that you need to leave the library, you have constructed the perfect Bridgemas Day. Fast forward to the next morning.

On Bridgemas Day, you wake up feeling more excited than you have before in Cambridge. You look through the window and feel slightly disappointed at the sight of rain, but no matter. You get ready and head straight over to brunch at 11:30, the optimal

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time because the food is still quite fresh and the queue has dipped a bit after the initial rush. You take a refreshing sip of your 25p cup of coffee, and pick up a copy of Travisty and flick through to the weekly opinion piece by your favourite writer Muhammad Manji. He’s written exactly the same article as last week, but repackaged in a topical way. You smile at his ingenuity and flick through the rest of Travisty.

After about an hour, you head straight to the library. You sneak a keep cup of Whittard’s Christmas Chai to the reading room, and kick back and relax. You take some books you’ve been looking for off the shelf and bring them to your table, but don’t actually read them. You check your watch and 6 hours have passed. Time to get ready for Christmas Formal.

You go to Christmas formal but at the door you realise that you actually booked for the Monday because your friends couldn’t wake up in time to get tickets for the Sunday one. You try and sneak in but are caught out and told to leave the premises. You head back to the library. It feels like home. You realise that you have found a sense of belonging there which you had never appreciated. Who needs snow on Bridgemas day after all. You sigh contentedly. The buzzer goes off.

Rinse and repeat.

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Winter Getaways

Agnijo Banerjee gives you some destinations for the coldest season Trinity College Bar Budget: Free Hang out here and enjoy some of our drinks here. There is a wide range of drinks, both alcoholic and non-alcoholic, and if you are on a lower budget you can get a discount on coffee with your KeepCup. If you are planning to sleep here over the holidays, you should try befriending Kerem.

Accommodation Budget: 1/70th of the termly room charge per night A winter getaway without getting away—this is ideal for those who want the Cambridge experience never to end. Fortunately, there are some benefits, such as not having to attend those pesky lectures or supervisions. You can also hang out in the College Bar, with anyone taking the first of our winter getaways.

Oxford University Budget: £50–60 by train, £10 by coach, free if you walk Here you get to meet the enemy get an alternative university experience. You probably won’t be allowed to stay in their accommodation, though. Other activities that are currently unavailable to Cambridge students include attending their lectures and tutorials. If you plan to walk, be aware that at some point you will be required to leave Trinity-owned land.

Lapland Budget: approximately £400 by plane, free if you walk/swim In the northernmost region of Finland, activities include skiing, dog-sledding, snow-shoeing, and training for the Winter Olympics. In a mysterious phenomenon in particle physics currently being studied by leading scientists, protons and electrons from the Sun colliding with the Earth’s atmosphere are somehow also visible here. While you won’t actually be meeting Santa Claus, you can check out the Santa Claus Village instead.

Master’s Lodge Budget: 1/4 of a Nobel Prize (for Mathmos, a Fields Medal is an acceptable substitute) This is the ultimate Winter Getaway. Here you get to preside over the College and chair the Council, as well as getting exclusive access to the Master’s Garden—as well as being able to walk on the grass whenever you want! As a free bonus, booking this Winter Getaway will also get you a portrait in the Great Hall.

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Horoscopes

Alexander Chamberlain, interning in the mystic arts, reads your stars

Aries

Leo

As I peer into the flames, I see dark things. Things that were once so full of life, reduced to blackened husks. Thick, putrid smoke billows forth and evil flames dance within, accompanied by cracking, spitting…and beeping sounds? Fuck, I’ve burnt the turkey.

You have felt lost lately, but soon a sign will come to you in the form of a star. It will guide you through life. A moving star. A star that is followed by two other stars, red and green in colour. Well, that’s the last time I try to read futures at an airport.

Taurus

Virgo

I sense in your future an uninvited visitor will break into your home. They will crack rooftiles on entry; stain your lovely cream carpets with soot; and eat your beloved mince pies. Take precautions now. Barricade all entrances.

Stock up on food. Arm yourself. There’s still time.

Gemini

For too long have you played the donkey’s ass in the veritable Nativity play of your life. Now is the time to break free and claim your rightful place as the true hero of the story: Santa Claus. Take up the reins and spur your reindeer high into the sky.

Cancer

Santa’s little helpers are watching you. Very closely.

I’d be careful, if I were you.

Cover photo by Jodie Walton on Unsplash

I see lots of Quality coming your way. Red Quality, Green Quality, Blue Quality.

Okay, maybe not the last one.

Nobody likes the coconut ones.

Libra

The Christmas holiday is a fantastic time to re-brand yourself. Try out a new style, like Santa Claus himself did all those years ago. You might even stick with it. Who knows?

Scorpio

Wow! Your future is bright, almost blindingly so. You will amass so much wealth.

Silver and gold coins will line your pockets. Oh wait, they’re chocolate? Ah well, I guess they can line your waist instead.

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Sagittarius

Last Christmas wasn’t a good time for you. You gave away something precious, but it wasn’t appreciated. Save yourself from tears this year and give it to someone special.

Capricorn

Like a Markov chain, your future only depends on the present. Right now. This very moment. Make the right decision. Everything you ever dreamed of could be yours.

Oh sorry, you spent too long reading this. The moment has passed. Shame.

Aquarius

Remember, studying is for life, not just exam term.

Pisces

Be generous this Christmas.

Reserve time to think deeply about what presents your friends would appreciate.

Don’t buy them. After all, it’s the thought that counts. Your bank account will thank you.

Get Involved Think you can do better?

Join the team.

Email: amc240@cam.ac.uk

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