Travisty 25 (#90)

Travisty Bridgemas Edition FEATURING Notes from Under Lockdown - Ludvig Brekke Trinity’s Great Reset - Christian Owen Bridgemas Travisty to be Published Late - Arun Prabhakar

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Letter from the Editors

Picture the scene. You crawl down the stairs at midnight, beady-eyed and innocent, in your John Lewis slippers and dressing gown, trying to catch a glimpse of Santa. Your heart pumps eagerly in your chest, your childlike faith as yet untouched by the disenchantment of the world.

None of this is a dubious cover story for the real reason you’re on all fours on your stairs - that socially distanced boozing you weren’t engaging in over in Whewell’s. You nudge the door an inch. It creaks like a second-hand bicycle, your Great Court room’s agéd heritage coming back to bite

you. You stick your nose through the gap, as if in slapstick setup, then jam your whole head in, in an unexplained bout of common sense. You glimpse a rotund, bouncy figure carrying a large… bag? of some sort, with pointed shapes you can make out inside. Could it really be? Is this St. Nicholas?

No, it’s a porter, and he’s found an awful lot of empty bottles in your recycling bin bag. Good luck explaining how you got through 4.5 litres of single-malt Scotch on your own without getting sent down for alcoholism. Should have followed the rules, shouldn’t you.

Arun Prabhakar found a book of forbidden wisdom in the library basement, and has been saying some very strange things ever since.

Vanessa Tang was allegedly spotted skipping through Wolfson Court shouting ‘Ho Ho Ho!’ and throwing week 7 chocolates at everyone.

Andrew Ng is eating a mince pie.

Agnijo Banerjee can only write crosswords which, when read backwards, strongly resemble the Tibetan Book of the Dead.

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Table of Contents Page 4

Bridgemas Carols Arun Prabhakar

Ludvig Brekke is currently in exile in a distant, snowy, and harsh land. No, not Siberia; Norway.

Page 6

Notes from Under Lockdown !

Ludvig Brekke Page 7

Lidija Beric assures us she has not heard of Dominion Voting Systems

Trinity’s Great Reset Christian Owen

Page 9

Three Weeks: A Poem !

Christian Owen

Christian Owen reveals his business acumen

Page 10 Crossword Agnijo Banerjee Page 11 That List of Lockdown Tiers in Full

Misha Medvedev struck a deal with Jeff Bezos to get the presents delivered on time

Editorial Page 12 Caption Competition Page 13 Bridgemas Travisty to be Published Late Arun Prabhakar Page 15 Letters to the Editors Page 16 Horoscopes Vanessa Tang

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Bridgemas Carols Arun Prabhakar takes some artistic liberties Oh! Covid tests, Covid tests, Covid tests I bear!

Oh what fun it is to swab; Of the flu you must beware! (Hey!)

Silent Night Silent night! Holy night!

All is boring, all is shite.

No communing this Saturday ‘eve!

College so dire some tri-ed to leave!

Oh what a wonderful year, Oh what a wonderful year.

Covid tests, Covid tests, Covid tests I bring!

Throat and nostril jump for joy, To the Covid tests give in.

Lectures on Zoom! From one’s own room!

Ho-w close dea-r old Hu-xley looms.

Da-y sans structure, sheer a-pathy!

Pu-t in iso so su-ddenly!

Oh what a glorious term, Oh what a glorious term.

O Little Town of Bethlehem O little College Tri-ni-ty, How we want your mulled wine!

Straight from the ba-rrel to- the bar, From the ho-ly grape vine!

But some ba-stard had to go and e-at ba-t soup, So now we’re in our rooms; The hopes and fears of the- third years, See no re-prise from gloom.

Fre-shers dear! O-f this year!

Wi-ll you o-f past glo-ry hear?

Whe-n we used to hold o-ur May Ball!

Wine soci-ety, Fo-rmal Hall!

Oh, what a bunch of poor sods, Oh, what a bunch of poor sods.

O mathmos out in Bu-rell’s Field, How lo-nely you must be!

With lo-ckdown from weeks fo-ur to- eight, No cha-pe-l will you see!

No- co-mpline services by ca-ndle-light, Except on Vi-me-o; Connection to the tra-nsce-ndent, Works not by vi-de-o.

Jingle Bells Running through Great Court, With a parcel in my hand; O’er grass we run, To a part that’s porter-manned; Turning now from him, As the chap himself gives chase; Imitating Great Court run, Sweat pours down my face;

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O Fellows struck from ta-ble high, With such indi-gnity-!

One day to enter hall and find, Some stu-dents so pe-sky!

Making u-se of the extended se-a-ting,

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On ta-bles of twice three; One upstart lad went so far as, To try the Ma-ster’s seat!

For here there lies a modest door, Sunk below ground level; But it hides no small delights, For at which to revel.

Through the kitchen back end, see, Lies one further portal; To the college wine cellar, A trove fit for no mortal.

[Organ redoubles, voices multiply] O co-mmi-ttee for this May Ball, Your CVs su-ffer so!

Expe-rience for Go-ldman Sachs, Did out the window go!

But as you- go ta-sting cha-a-ampagnes, Think: Covid may be poor; But at least you’re no-t a-t John’s, (I used tha-t joke once more.)

In the damnéd Johnians went, Down into the kitchens; But Dame Sally, now hellbent, Kept college traditions; To the cannons galloping!

Which always pointed north; And lit them, loaded, straight at John’s, And cannonballs flew forth!

Good King Wenceslas Good Dame Sally Davies looked, From the Lodge of Masters; At the visitors from John’s, An array of bastards; Who would let those buggers in?

Sally wondered, weary; Then, she saw their direction, And conceived a theory.

And that, dear liste-ner, is why If you to John’s venture, You’ll find their rear court a facade!

An architectural denture!

For up its contents Trinity blew, When John’s raided our wine cellar; And that’s why reads the cellar door: ‘Danger! Do not enter!’

Through Great Court they wandered, struck, As if by some wonder; Byron’s fountain really makes Cripps Court seem less fonder; But they went past staircase Q , Through an alley nameless; And by Bishop’s Hostel found, The spot: that entrance famous.

(It really does; I’ve seen it. Go into the back entrance to the kitchens, opposite Bishop’s Hostel, then down and round a bit, wander around a bit more, ask for directions, and then you’ll spot the door to the wine cellar. It says ‘Danger’, ‘Hazard-proof clothing required’, and that sort of thing.)

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Notes from Under Lockdown Ludvig Brekke kindly responds to my request

Writing a piece for Travisty should be under the 'Rock bottom' heading in the dictionary. If the editor didn't have quite a lot of dirt on me, I wouldn't be doing this.

It's quite surprising that this thing still exists. Travisty is like that elderly aunt on life support that you never really talk about but whom you're still forced into seeing once a month. You feel sorry for her, especially because she never amounted to much even before she slipped on the stairs, but on a deeper level you just kind of wish the whole thing would be over and done with. It's also no secret that everyone in the family had hoped COVID would finally finish her off, but there we are. The thing is still breathing.

I think the problem is that Travisty, like the eldritch corners of the Trinity community that spawns it, is about as funny as a soggy carrot. You get more joy out of reading the obituaries in the Sunday Times, a greater laugh out of being deaned. The most telling thing might be that the cryptic crossword is the funniest part of it. All the other sections are truly horrendous. If you read something and don't learn from it, don't enjoy it, and don't laugh, it has the same value as reading an email from College, or from the TCSU for that matter.

This criticism applies to me as well. I have no business writing in this thing. I study Law, which is, after Land Economy and Economics, the dreariest subject this university has to offer. A lawyer trying to claim they're not dull might say 'But John Cleese and Richard Ayoade studied Law at Cambridge, and they're funny'. The problem is that this is like claiming History of Art is a course with great career prospects because Eddie Redmayne studied it. The vast majority of lawyers aren't funny and won't go on to voice a character in Shrek, and chances are that no one else from the History of Art tripos will go on to play a J.K. Rowling character. On the topic of J.K. Rowling‌ 


I was asked by Arun (the editor) to write about my time in isolation. It was alright.

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Trinity’s Great Reset Christian Owen secures his career in consultancy

2020 hasn’t been the easiest year for Trinity College. Its generous endowment diminished by the expenses of dealing with coronavirus and of replanting its lawn, and its public relations at a new low following a seemingly-endless stream of negative publicity in Varsity, it’s clear that a new direction is needed. But worry not – because Trinity’s public relations team have come up with a sure-fire way to restore its fortunes and finances in one go. The plan involves a certain businessman, currently ensconced in his Mar-a-Lago estate, who, after recent ventures fell through, may be at something of a loose end.

“We’re pleased to announce a new plan to secure Trinity’s future’, commented the College’s public relations executive last Friday. ‘We’ve already been engaged in a multi-million-pound effort to improve Trinity’s public image, for example by withdrawing from the university pension scheme, and by threatening to repossess students’ rooms if COVID strikes. And the next logical step is our new crowd pleasing deal – a corporate sponsorship from our friends across the pond in the Trump Organisation!”

Representatives from Travisty secured a unique interview with President Trump in which he expressed his views on the new deal, which will see him become the President-for-life of the newly-rebranded ‘Trump College, Cambridge’:

“I know colleges. I went to all the best ones, but Trinity College is the best in Cambridge. I know that if my father and my mother were alive today, they would be very, very proud of me. My uncle was a great university professor; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, very good, very smart... have you seen Great Court? It’s yuuuuge. Anyway, what I'm saying is, I'll tell you at the time, I'll keep you in suspense, OK? Because when I'm Master of Trump College I won't have to win elections. My life has been about winning. My life has not been about losing, so now I can't be removed. I can get along with anybody, frankly. We’re going to Make Trinity Great Again!”

It looks like the changes to students’ lives may well be significant. Documents leaked to Travisty show some of the plans for the new college:

- The Land Economy Tripos will be renamed ‘Real Estate Studies’, and ‘The Art of the Deal’ will take pride of place as a set text.

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- The portrait of Henry VIII in Hall will be replaced with one of our Glorious -

Leader Donald Trump, at twice the dimensions of the original.

The Medicine Tripos will be reformed for a new focus on Donald Trump, who is the ‘healthiest individual in history.’

The walls separating Trinity from St John’s College will be demolished so that that a new ‘big, beautiful’ wall five times the height can be built in its place.

The cannons, of course, will remain.

The lawn in Neville’s Court will be turned into a golf course.

Protective tariffs will be placed on Trinity College Ruby Port.

The Porter’s Lodge will be moved to Jerusalem.

It was rumoured that Mr Trump had initially planned to buy the University of St Andrews, proclaiming his ancestral connection to Scotland. Unfortunately, the deal fell through owing to his deep unpopularity with the Scottish, who do not trust anyone who has lived past the age of 70. He was then planning to sign a sponsorship deal with a college at O*ford, but reconsidered after finding out the name O*ford gives to Lent Term.

The Halloween pumpkin adds just the right note of fear to this image, as well as reminding the reader that I intended to write this article for the Halloween edition but was too lazy to finish it on time.

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Three Weeks Christian Owen’s views are not representative of Travisty at large It’s only three weeks To flatten the curve.

It’s not much to ask; It’s a small way to serve.

It’s only a vaccine; There’s no need to resist Your Freedom Pass please, We have to insist.

It’s only a mask, To keep us all safe.

Why does it matter If I can’t see your face?

It’s only one Easter; There’ll be another next year It’s only one Christmas; The pandemic is here.

It’s only a protest, And it’s selfish, you see When expressing your views Might harm you and me.

It’s only your freedom: It’s not a big deal.

Freedom’s an illusion But the virus is real.

It’s only not holding the hand Of your dying wife.

It’s only your liberty.

It’s only your life.

Official sources dispute this claim

The New Tawny Port in the Bar - Is it really worth £25?

1. Yes 2. That’s all we have time for, folks! Join us next time as we ask: ‘Rosé - Can you really drink it and remain male?’

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Crossword Agnijo Banerjee gives words a second dimension. Helped by Andrew Slattery

Think You’ve Solved It? Email travistytrinity@gmail.com by 11:59pm on Sunday 27th December with your answers, and you could win a piece of fudge!

Last week’s winner: Nobody.

Across 5 - A local COVID outbreak might do this inside (6) 6 - Burn meat inside iron (6) 9 - Told nut to give up (4) 10 - Invents money? (5) 11 - 15 is heartless and atrocious, unfortunately (4) 12 - With many sides, it's built out of parts from Logan (9) 13 - Ray is hiding? Ask a teacher! (5) 15 - Obtained from inverting formula: icosahedron is cold (7) 17 - Initially, poets (Allan Poe, Yeats, Ruskin, Updike, Shelley) used to write on this (7) 19 - Cthulhu's creator has no fondness for art (5) 20 - Sounds like bigot lost job finally and got a lesson at last (9) 23 - Periodically bombs over instrument (4) 24 - Give large amount to dictator (5) 25 - See 22 Down 26 - Some people are late for this meeting (6) 27 - "About an Italian divinity," wrote Faust (6)

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Down 1 - Review "Iceman" movies (6) 2 - (With 18 Down) They vote to choose to remove first exam at university (9, 7) 3 - Spear's head removed by worker (7) 4 - Massachusetts senator wins Louisiana?

Nonsense! (8) 6 - Own up to something ordinary (4) 7 - Shh: within barnacle, there's a raised level of an iron source (5, 7) 8 - It can be proven that Mandelbrot set is infinitely complex (12) 14 - Storyteller's centaur or bats (9) 16 - Fiancée accidentally drank fluorine compound in tea (8) 18 - See 2 Down 21 - Particle Man had gone first (6) 22 - (With 25 Across) Lady Fortune, according to Reverend Donald (4, 4)

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That List of Lockdown Tiers In Full Tier 1 - Wash your hands; wear a mask; it’s just the flu.

Tier 2 - Dispensers of PVA glue placed around college, under the pretence of being hand sanitiser. Hall seating reduced from tables of six to tables of three and a half.

Tier 3 - Non-essential shops close, leaving a really rather interesting range open. Other non-essential services also close, such as the seats of God himself upon this very Earth.

Tier 4 - Cambridge Wine Merchants and Robert Graham close. This ceases to be funny.

Tier 5 - Great Court Coyotes released.

Fellows stop finding reasons to perambulate across the grass.

Tier 6 - Sidgwick subjected to a chemical attack for reasons of individual welfare. And on the Covid front, tourists are now all the way down to ¾ their natural numbers.

Tier 7 - Cambridge relocated to Area 51, home of the Covid-22 vaccine. Revelations regarding JFK may or may not emerge.

Tier 8 - Florida men unleashed.

Tier 9 - Students can return to Cambridge, but only if they agree to be housed in the freshly sanitised St. John’s Hall College.

Tier 10 - Travisty 2 announced to raise morale.

Tier 11 - Morale falls.

Tier 12 - Mammoths re-evolve now that civilisation has ceased. The ice caps expand greatly, reaching as far south as the ProtoIndo-European steppes.

Tier 13 - Calls continue for a second referendum.

Tier 14 - Go into the woods, build a log cabin, and writ- OK I think you’ve gone plenty far enough with that one. -Ed.

Think you can do better than us?

You probably can!

Why not come to our next writing group? Like our Facebook page, or email us at travistytrinity@gmail.com to subscribe to our mailing list. Or just send us an article with no warning! We’ll take anything.

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Caption Competition

Email your captions to travistytrinity@gmail.com The best suggestion will win a *mystery prize* - now a rollover from the previous issue!

 

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Bridgemas Travisty to be Published Late Arun Prabhakar gets Deaned Narrator:

Arun sits on his chair. His heart rises to his throat. The blood vacates his stomach.

Palpitations occur. For the first time in his life, for the unutterable crime of failing to put together the latest edition of Travisty on time, he is being called before the Dean. He doesn’t know how he’s going to be able to explain himself.

Dean:

Come in!

Narrator:

Arun is confused by this, as the Deaning is being held on Zoom.

Arun:

Uh… Hello? Good afternoon! -Ma’am.

Dean:

Stares.

N.

Arun has not breathed for a number of seconds now.

D.

Well, I think you know why you’re here. Now tell me, on a scale of masks in the library to hash browns in hall, how important do you think Travisty is to the Trinity student’s wellbeing?

A.

Oh, ah. Hm. That would be hash browns, if I may say so myself.

N.

The sweat patches from Arun’s armpits have merged, forming a grotesque Rorschach of sweat.

One Liners - What I’ll be Putting in Stockings Arun - The eggs hall serves at breakfast Vanessa - Coal Christian - Plutonium: we can no longer give naughty children coal, since we’ve divested from fossil fuels Ludvig - A surprise membership to an unknown club* Agnijo - Hitherto unseen crosswords Lidija - A Trinity-special Error* [Note: Starred items are what the contributors in question most likely would have said had they replied to my email.]

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D.

Stares incriminatingly.

Very well. And what, then, is your excuse for not putting out a kneeslapping, wheeze-inducing Bridgemas issue - on time, that is?

A.

Eyes dart around nervously.

IBreathing quickens. Heart emerges out the far end of throat.

D.

Looks up over glasses expectantly.

Yes? You what?

A.

Begins to froth at mouth. Emits a sequence of low-pitched wails.

Keels over like some sort of hippopotamus with a harpoon through its nostril.

D.

Could you not at least come up with some sort of amusing excuse? For the readers?

N.

Arun was running rather short on time.

Cocktail of the Week The White (Russian) Winter INGREDIENTS: - Vodka (lots) - Coffee liqueur - Virgin frost gathered from the grass in Great

METHOD: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

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Court at the very moment of sunrise - Russia Today’s Covid vaccine - 1/2 pint blood of an authentic Russian - Cream

Harvest the Russian blood, and pour it into a lowball glass with the RT vaccine. This should trigger a curious chemical reaction.

Take a syringe, and use it to inject nine units of vodka into the result.

Very gently pour on the coffee liqueur. Don’t go overboard with this one.

With a spatula, coat the concoction with cream. At this point it should roughly resemble a Baked Alaska.

Sprinkle Great Court frost on top. If you gathered it just one minute before or after sunrise, this will go horribly wrong.

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Letters to the Editors One of you has to write in at some point, surely? I really will reply, honest.

Dear Editors, I heard there was a magazine, A magazine, A magazine, I heard there was a magazine, One Bridgemas day in the morning.

I went to read said magazine, Said magazine, Said magazine, I went to read said magazine, That fateful day it was pouring. ’Twas a- pathetic fallacy, A fallacy, A fallacy, ’Twas a- pathetic fallacy, My day turned out oh-so-boring.

For Travisty was not released, Was not released, Was not released, For Travisty was not released, It sent me in— to mourning.

To the Curator of Articles in Chief,

Alright, but is Ludvig really in charge of TCSU? Really?

A. Farmer, ‘Op Norf ’

Dear Mr. Farmer: Well, I couldn’t possibly comment. Why would you ask that?

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To the recipient,

As I was walking back from the woods near Grantchester on the night of 21st December having performed various Bacchic rituals to mark the Great Conjunction, I realised all of a sudden that it had been months, terms, since I had felt the reassuring gloss of a printed Travisty page between my fingertips.

Would you happen to have made any progress on this matter, if I may be so impudent as to ask?

Smith of Wooton Major

Mr. of Wooton Major, your query is timely indeed. For, at this very moment, we can announce that Travisty will be in print, somehow or other, in Lent term!

No, we don’t know how to distribute it without infecting every single Trinity member with a brand new strain, but we’ll find a way. I even hear that a small number of copies of the Michaelmas issues will be printed and located at strategic locations located around college.

Now listen here you,

Out of interest, if you were to recommend just one college society above all others, purely non-partisan, but equally with clear implications of definite and uncompromising superiority - if, on the off chance, you were to so pick out one particular college society, what would that society be?

Regards, a humanities student.

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As it happens I do have one such recommendation, right in the top of my head by chance. It would be for Trinity Philosophy Society, provider of wines, facilitator of chat, and seller of top-grade merchandise. I hear they make very good posters, too. ! - *crash* *bang* @!#&% *sounds of confusion*; Sorry, I appear to be in a bit of a situation right now. Could you by any chance tell me how one goes about having a shower in the morning? Thanks very.

A resident on the main site.

I’m not quite sure why you would ask that my dear chap, as I’ve never had much of a problem showering in the morning. Even if you’re absolutely sozzled off your mallard, a shower is an achievable, nay even a beneficial task. It’s simple enough. You start off in your room, in H staircase Great Court. Arise from bed, robe up, etc. etc. Open your door, and careful here - walk out through the doorway. Then you simply have to direct yourself to the bathrooms on your staircase, making sure to stick to your own staircase due to the China affair. You enter the bathing area. The last step is straightforward, because obviously whoever’s in charge around here had a shower installed in your staircas— oh, for fuck’s sake.

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Horoscopes Vanessa Tang is in tune with the music of the spheres, which I hear is almost as good as Compline Aries Yay! The best part of Michaelmas is here!

Taurus Think of your finances and try and be more thoughtful with your gifts this year.

Don’t buy her a candle!

What she wants is a book full of your old receipts and the pens you could live without. Promise.

Gemini You’re so excited to have spent uni in lockdown to see your great uncle Morris! Lucky you!

Cancer Well done on surviving lockdown, you’re doing so well. (See, Travisty isn’t all bad)!

Leo The glistening lights/ The darkness, the chill/ This is the best winter poem you have ever heard/ And ever will.

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Virgo This festive season ask Santa for three wishes.

This is super effective as it doesn’t seem like a massive request, as I’m sure you can appreciate he is quite busy, but can be renewed throughout the year by using a wish to wish for more wishes. Get in contact if you don’t understand but I’m sure your ten-year-old cousin thinks this is a great idea and can explain.

Libra The biggest loss of this term has been the hall desserts. Long gone are the days of cramming half the apple crumble into your bowl. Yes, they are there pre-packaged, but the hearty appeal is gone. We feel for you, it’s been hard for everyone.

Scorpio It is never too early to think about the May Ball,

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whether she wants to come to Trinity this year or will be intermitting.

Sagittarius Merry Christmas to you, and only you. (No this isn’t writer's bias, this came straight from the crystals: the Sagittarius do it best).

Capricorn What can you catch but not throw? It’s okay we don’t expect you to do either this is just a riddle for when you are bored.

Aquarius Another riddle: Two mothers and two daughters went for dinner and all ate one portion – how come only three portions were eaten in total?

Pisces One for the mathmos: if 11 + 2 = 1, what does 9 + 5 =?

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