Travisty 9 (#74)

TRAVISTY #9

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Letter from the Editors

Megan Crane and Kerem Ergene introduce you to the wonder that is Travisty

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n a typical week, after translating the articles into something resembling English, we crack open a bottle of gin, down it while watching an episode of Black Mirror, and thereafter begin to write our letter. This week, however, is a week like no other. Instead of the comfort provided by gin, we’re making do with pints of milk and water. “Why?” you cry. Well, we’re crying too, and not just because Megan spilt her milk again.

Next week is the coldest Februrary week we’ve had in five years, and we’ll be spending it on the river, killing ourselves to move a 75 kg inanimate lump, plus the boat that Kerem’s sitting in, across 11 km of bacteria-laden water. In addition to this torture, we’ve been deprived of alcohol for over a week. We’re not saying you need alcohol to get by, but seriously, try editing Travisty...

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nimals is the theme of this week. “Why?” you cry. “Well,” Megan responds. “Kerem missed last week’s Writers’ Group, so I was in charge. ‘Animals’ was the best only theme we could come up with in the meeting. And yes, I can speak in strikethrough. Turn to Page 3 for our sexy headlines, or the Front Page for Kerem’s next profile picture.”

We hope ewe enjoy the issue.

Megan Crane and Kerem Ergene

This Week’s Contributors

Contents

Kerem Ergene Megan Crane

2

Letter from the Editors

2

This Week’s Contributors

Travisty Writers

3

Cover Stories

Chris Baish

4

Apoetic Corner

Megan Crane Kerem Ergene Alexander Chamberlain

5–6

Which Duck Are You?

7

Cocktail of the Week Advertisements

Kerem Ergene

Mina Frost

Megan Crane

Alexander Chamberlain Andrew Sellek

Andrew Sellek Kerem Ergene Megan Crane

8–9

Puzzling Puzzles

Alexander Chamberlain

10

How To: Smuggle a Pet into Your Room

Anonymous

11

Backstage

Alexander Chamberlain

12

The Tiger Who Came to (Trini)Tea

Mina Frost Mina Frost

13

What’s on in Cambridge?

Weather Forecast

Jovan Powar Travisty Writers

14

Horoscopes One-Liners

Anonymous Chris Baish Harry Metrebian Jovan Powar Kevin Wang Muhammad Manji

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TRAVISTY EDITORS MURDER DUCK In a shocking turn of events, two members of the Travisty Executive Committee, both of whom are declared animal welfare supporters, have been exposed as duck murderers. Kerem Ergene (Editor) and Mina Frost (Ethics Editor) were accused of having murdered a duck on Sunday 11th February

by an anonymous member of the public.

Video footage has since shown Mr Ergene instructing Ms Frost (under the code name ‘Bow’), who was armed with a blade, to “take a stroke”. Having delivered a deadly stroke to the back of the head of the unsuspecting duck, Mr Ergene was heard telling Ms Frost

PUNTER FALLS INTO CAM

EATEN BY PIRANHAS A punter met an unfortunate end on Tuesday when he fell into the River Cam outside Trinity and was promptly set upon by a shoal of piranhas. Shockingly, despite the man’s cries for help, none of the occupants of the punt jumped in to come to his aid.

An ambulance arrived on the scene within minutes, but the sight was so horrific that all the paramedics fainted.

Rumours suggest that the punter’s partially eaten body was retrieved from the river by a fearless St John’s porter. John’s Fellows reported that the chicken served on High Table the following day tasted rather unusual and seemed to have bite marks in it.

Julia Gubbins of the Cambridgeshire Wildlife Trust says that this is the first time

piranhas have ever been sighted in the Cam. “It’s unlikely that they swam here from South America, as we would have seen them further downstream,” she stated. “Someone must have released them into the river in the last few weeks.” Suspicion has fallen on King’s—it is believed this may be their latest attempt to reduce the Cam’s goose population.

Members of First and Third are concerned that a rower might be the next victim of the gluttonous fish. However, it is understood that next week’s Bumps will not be cancelled.

This follows the precedent set in 1934, when Bumps went ahead just two weeks after a crocodile devoured three members of the Caius 1st Men’s VIII. The five-man Caius boat then capsized during the second race, and only the cox lived to tell the tale.

FELLOW’S CAR SENT DOWN AFTER

SMOKING IN NEW COURT

A Fellow’s car is to be sent down after being caught smoking in New Court on Monday.

The car in question was discovered mid-act by the on-duty Porter Nicholas Foster, who promptly reported the incident to the Dean.

In a meeting with the Dean, the vehicle allegedly regretted being caught but “showed utter disregard for the rule in question”. As such, the Dean determined that a small fine would be sufficient punishment, provided the car attended a Fire Safety Awareness

meeting.

After failing to attend the meeting, and following an investigation into the matter, the College concluded that the automobile had “neither respect for nor understanding of basic fire safety”. As a result, the car was sent down by the Dean, and has been banned from College premises.

The vehicle failed to provide Travisty with a statement regarding the incident.

Write For Travisty Think you can do better?

Email ke297@cam.ac.uk mec72@cam.ac.uk

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to “wind it up” in order to make a speedy getaway. Both remain in custody.

Members of the duck’s family have been informed by police. A funeral has been arranged in Bedford for next weekend.

Flowers and bread are welcome.

SWANS PROTEST AGAINST LENT BUMPS Over 75% of Cambridge’s swan population has voted in favour of staging a mass protest against the upcoming intercollegiate rowing competition: Lent Bumps. An anonymous source has hinted at plans to physically block access to boat houses, excrete on passing boats, and use beaks in order to deflate bicycle tyres.

In an exclusive interview with Travisty, the Chairswan of CSU (the Cambridge Swan Union) explained: “We have had enough. We have been left with no option but to take a stand. Every year since 1887 we have suffered as a result of this vicious competition; not only are our daily lives disrupted for a period of five days by screaming students and churned-up water, but a total of twenty-five lives have been lost since its inception.” Indeed, last year saw a record number of injuries amongst the swan population, with eight birds, two of whom were cygnets, suffering blows to the head from passing blades. CUCBC (Cambridge University Combined Boat Clubs) is said to be opening negotiations with CSU. When asked whether similar action will be taken over the May Bumps, CSU declined to comment.

POSTAL OWLS TO REPLACE PIGEONS

Following numerous complaints from students and Fellows alike, Trinity has taken the decision to substitute postal pigeons with owls. In the past six weeks, 65% of letters have been delivered late, numerous packages have gone missing, and thirteen pigeons have been fired for consuming Week Five chocolates.

“Enter owls,” eagerly announced a Porter, when interviewed by Travisty earlier this week. “They are a superior flight model, with a greater lifting capacity, increased accuracy, and they take greater pride in their work. I don’t know why we didn’t take inspiration from Hogwarts sooner.”

In light of the upcoming change, ‘pigeonholes’ and ‘the mailroom’ will be renamed ‘owlroosts’ and ‘the nest’ respectively.

Apoetic Corner an anthology

Chris Baish pretends to understand poetry

‘Poetry’ by Chris Baish unless otherwise stated.

An Editor’s Lament

The editor at 5 AM awake Hit his head, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.

I have nothing to publish, My rhyme schemes are rubbish, And the news this week will all be fake.”

Minority Minuet

There once was a student at Trinity, Who had an unusual affinity For rowing and sculling And coxing and ergs.

His grades tend to one over infinity.

I came here to study the arts but the Mathmos are boring old farts.

They never leave their rooms and seem high on ‘shrooms; they can’t count up a game of darts.

An Introspective Moment I'm tired of writing Limericks.

Maybe a Haiku Will be a nice change of pace?

Ode to a Rower

Sunday Hymn

I like a good Sunday Brunch: ‘Tis halfway from Brekky to Lunch.

The best meal of the week, All the students will seek, To devour it, I have a hunch.

Covering My Back

I promise I know The number of syllables In lines of Haikus.

Kerem Ergene

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Which Duck Are You?

Megan Crane helps you find solutions to the questions you’ve been asking Just like people, ducks come in many sizes, shapes, and colours. Get quacking to find your inner duck!

That was terrible, I'm sorry, but I promise this is a fun quiz.

What is the most important thing in the world to you?

A) Your individuality B) Your family C) Your popularity D) Your ability to express yourself E) Your wardrobe F) Your athleticism G) Your solitude H) Your friendships

Where would you want to live?

You win a free trip to anywhere in the world. Where do you choose to go?

A) Your family’s place of origin B) Just far enough so that no one knows you C) To a place where you can see and be seen D) A tropical paradise E) Where the hottest fashion trends originate F) As far away as you can get!

G) The closest city to the one you live in.

It will remind you of home.

H) Anywhere, as long as you can take your best friend with you How many friends do you have?

A) Your close by neighbours B) Everyone you have ever met is your friend C) As many as can keep up with you D) Not many, people find you annoying E) Only the best dressed people you know F) As many people that are in your family G) Very few, no one really understands you H) One best friend that you would do anything for

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A) Where you live now B) Near your friends C) In a place where you could throw amazing parties D) A place where you can settle in and make noise without bothering the neighbours E) In a big fashion city F) In the country, with rolling hills and flowers G) You don’t really care H) With your family in a giant house When being interviewed for a job, you tend to talk most about your…

A) Willingness to stay with the job for a long time B) Good health C) People skills D) Commanding demeanour E) Eye for detail F) Ability to adapt to change G) Willingness to learn H) Productivity

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Count up how many As, Bs, Cs, etc. you have, and then turn over to find out your result!

Mostly A s: Acona Duck

You are calm and laid back. You tend to stick to familiar surroundings and don’t venture out much. You are unique: it is very hard to find anyone else remotely like you.

Mostly Bs: Aylesbury Duck

You are a strong person with a rich and wholesome heritage. You have a healthy glow about you. You tend to be very popular with highly sought-after qualities.

Mostly C: Call Duck

You are very energetic and active. Most people find you very attractive and they love having you around. At a social gathering, you tend to be the main attraction.

Mostly D: Cayuga Duck

While you’re not much of an adventurer, your exotic looks and behaviour make you stand out of the crowd. You are a pretty loud person, which can be bothersome to your peers.

Mostly E: East Indies Duck

You live for fashion and are known for your striking appearance. Almost everything you wear looks great on you because you know how to accent your best features.

Mostly F: Indian Runner Duck

You are agile and athletic, and your strut sets you apart from the waddling masses. You believe in freedom and can’t be caged by social standards. The world is yours to explore.

Mostly G: Muscov y Duck

You can give off a scary vibe when you first meet other people. You tend to roam around with a small group of people that you have common interests with but will not stray far from your home base.

Mostly H: Pekin Duck

You work hard, but it’s hard for you to always stay focused, since there is so much you want to do. You are a very dedicated companion and know who to trust.

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COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK

Fellow’s Car Bomb Something on your mind?

serves 1

Method 1.

2.

3.

4.

Float whiskey on top of Irish cream in a shot glass.

Drop shot glass into port.

Take into New Court.

Down it before the Porters stop you.

Ingredients 1/2 oz whiskey 1/2 oz irish cream liquor 1/2 pint port

Want to get something off your chest?

Postal Owls Wanted

When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand... Travisty's Aunty M is here!

Are you an owl?

Do you have a burning desire to deliver post for Trinity?

Can you hold at least 500 g in your beak?

In need of some witty and slightly humorous advice?

Send in your submissions to:

agonyaunt.wufoo.co.uk/forms/travisty-agony-aunt/

Write For Travisty Submissions are always welcome! Get in contact with any of the writers, or email an editor at ke297@cam.ac.uk or mec72@cam.ac.uk.

We hold Writers’ Groups to discuss ideas every week at 8 PM on Mondays in the JCR, where we provide port and samples of the current Cocktail of the Week.

Get involved.

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If you answered yes to these questions, contact postalowls@cam.ac.uk for more information and apply today!

Disclaimer: Postal Owls employed by Trinity are not permitted to approach children under the age of three (or Mathmos) whilst on duty, due to their sharp talons and pointed beak. Postal Owls will be paid six mice per day, subject to inflation.

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Puzzling Puzzles cryptic crossword

Travisty provides you with an entire spread of puzzles to ponder over

Across 4 Cephalopod produced in mix up: TCSU heft lithium (10) 6 Heather’s underwater boat with heifer skin cargo, for

example (5) 8 Cricket has half a dozen balls, heard to be eggs (4) 9 Peninsula spanned by Scarab Iago (6) 11 Whewell’s is home to ovine (3) 13 Beginnings of writer’s output, barely bringing laughs

yet—shaky! (6) 15 Cook a pie containing striped mammal (5) 16 Put rubbish in Milne’s endless bear—make hall

staple! (6) 18 Hint: one found in extremes of turkey coop (3) 20 Amphibian with cored onion hit by apple (6) 22 Had animal in room—initially said to be rabbit (4) 23 Electric fish hiding behind hotel—kittens perhaps?

(5) 24 ‘Gator truce broken around fountain (5,5)

Down 1

2 3 4

5 7

10 12 13

14 16 17 19 21, 3

22

Muddled Portero no longer in favour—has extra time for water dweller (5) Data-curving mice stormily sailed as Drake did (15) See 21d Timeless toy in baby’s bed—add energy for grass guardian (6) Accra barman covers up rower’s mistake (4) In clock perhaps, reheaded duck ends up with double the love (6) Joey is the first Mathmo to leave room (3) Hospital department bop? (3) Victor swaps a Newnham leader for Trinity’s—gets Sir Gregory! (6) Night flier from backward student newspaper (3) Quiet plant organ or big cat? (7) This many birds are able? (3) Mimic, quietly at first, cut ends off carrots (6) Silent place where even Anglais taken in by confused strawberry without sainthood (4,7) Gutted hake teams up with Molly’s competition to form aquatic bird (5)

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spot the difference and wordsearch

Email ke297@cam.ac.uk with the crossword answers or a list of animals you’ve found in the wordsearch to be in with a shot of winning a prize

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Photos by Matthew Mazzei and Joe Cox (respectively) on Unsplash

How To

smuggle a pet into your room Alexander Chamberlain gives some advice on how to make your room a little less lonely this Lent

Baby Elephant

How to smuggle: Unless you’re strong enough to roll a tractor tyre six miles, you’re going to want to take the elephant up to your room in an elevator. Legend has it this is why Wolfson’s lift is always out of order.

Pros: Can act as a shower. Makes a good alarm in the morning.

Cons: People will avoid coming over because of the ‘elephant in the room’.

Lions

How to smuggle: No need, just become Boat Club Captain and you’ll get three lions for free.

Pros: Saves on wallpaper.

Cons: You have to be a boatie. Early mornings.

Parrot

How to smuggle: Simply open your window, leave some nuts on the windowsill and wait.

Pros: Good revision aid; will repeat everything you say.

Cons: Good revision aid; will repeat everything you say.

Horse

How to smuggle: Ride it up the stairs and pretend that you’re a centaur.

Pros: Faster than a bike: will get you to lectures on time. No need to lock it up.

Cons: Must hide/protect it from Tesco.

Penguins

How to smuggle: Open your laptop, log into Club Penguin.

Pros: You can dress it up in fancy clothes and go on secret missions.

Cons: Oh wait, Club Penguin has shut down. RIP childhood.

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Backstage

An anonymous contributor reveals the nightmares of the bar A spin of colour envelopes you. You turn and say, “Two Peronis, please,” against the backdrop of your friends’ screeching. “No, don’t,” they say. “Don’t pay for me.” You slam your Cam Card down on the scanner like a proper Investment Bank Legend.

You pay for everyone.

“Cig?” Someone is offering you a cigarette. You don’t normally smoke—except for special occasions and tonight is one.

“Sure, mate. Just give me a sec.”

You go upstairs to the men’s toilets and stand by the urinal next to some guy. He plays rugby and is larger than you. A young lad from Surrey, reared on big Sunday roasts and walks with the dog.

A big lad he is.

He is bigger than you.

You pull out your member and prepare to urinate. But, to the sound of the tinkle of urine in the neighbouring urinal, somehow nothing is coming out.

Relax old boy, nobody listens to anyone else pissing, and no one cares if you can’t piss.

The tinkle beside you has become something of a torrent.

Your body is too tight; your bladder is held in a tight grip.

You glance to your left.

The man is huge. One hand now over the urinal, the stream of piss coming from his bulky member grows in intensity. It grows stronger. He grunts as he ups the tempo further, as if he wants to make it go harder, faster, as if he wants… as if he wants to show off.

He turns to you.

He is looking at you.

He is smiling now.

He is thinking... Why can’t he do it? The simplest thing in the world.

Everyone is wondering. Why? Why is nothing coming out?

His torrent has long since stopped. It’s silent now.

He’s watching you. …

You finish. You finish as if the most natural thing in the world has happened. The most natural thing, of course: excreting. You pretend that everything is fine, as though you haven’t failed to perform the most basic task. One that has been asked from you since birth.

Perhaps the saddest act of all: you act as if nothing has happened.

“Alright, mate. How’s it going?”

“Yeah, good thanks. Not bad at all. How about you?”

“Yeah, not bad mate. Cheers.”

You return to the chatter of the bar.

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The Tiger Who Came to (Trini)Tea Alexander Chamberlain releases his inner Judith Kerr

On a cold chilly night, at a time very late, There was a knock, knock, knock on Great Gate, A porter poked his bowled-hat-topped head ‘round the door, To see a huge tiger, who let out a friendly roar.

The porter invited him inside, and checked his passport, Then took the striped creature to a room in Great Court.

He unpacked his belongings, wrapped up nice and tight, And slept very well all through the dark night.

At 6 AM sharp, his alarm did it ring, For Tiger was scheduled for a rowing outing!

But Tiger held back, and then on a whim, Decided that early starts, in fact, weren’t for him.

He rested instead, ate a fry up in Hall, People chatted and laughed; he made friends with all.

Then the time was upon him, so he cycled on down, Straight to the lecture theatre in the centre of town.

The professor spoke quickly, it was hard to take note, Tiger’s claws clicked and clacked as quickly he wrote.

Eventually they were over, but supervision was next!

In one intense hour they covered all his subjects.

Finally, the day finished, it was time to relax, To meet up with friends for a drink on the backs.

It was tough, yet Tiger had enjoyed his busy stay, With his trip over, he swore to return. One day.

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What’s on in Cambridge?

Mina Frost gives her worldly avice on how to procrastinate

Panning out? Tired of deadlines? Here are a few suggestions of what to do to if you’re eagerly awaiting the end of term.

In Trinity: Your week wouldn’t be complete without some activism, so head over to Trinity Ante Chapel at 8:30 PM on Wednesday 28th February for a talk given by Ann Hannah, the director of policy and advocacy from Freedom From Torture. She will be talking about torture and defending human rights in the UK Today.

Outside of College: I somehow hadn’t managed to plug rowing before but this is about to change—Lent Bumps are happening from Tuesday to Sunday this coming week! Come and support your college boats, or just enjoy watching boats crash into each other, as you prefer.

If you don’t have Netflix or your internet is being slow, the Cambridge Impronauts are performing an improvised sitcom from 27th February to 3rd March at the Corpus Playroom!

For your bi-weekly dose of culture, why not head over to West Road Concert Hall to watch a performance of Swan Lake by the Cambridge University Ballet Club? It is running on 2nd and 3rd March at 9:30 PM. Alternatively, head to the Cam on a misty morning to observe the local fauna.

Weather Forecast Cambridge City Centre Just in case you haven’t heard already, next week is predicted to be the coldest week recorded in England for the past year. Enough said, really. If you, like myself, are questioning your decision to live in this country, I would recommend a swift escape to the Southern Hemisphere, somewhere where deadlines and frost are not a thing. Alternatively, perhaps regretfully, the library is heated quite well. You have no excuse not to finish your essays now…

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Horoscopes One-Liners

Travisty’s very own Professor Trelawney reads your stars A ries Shockingly, this week your star chart has completely changed, Aries. Mars has come into alignment with a new foreign object: red, gleaming, playing the music of David Bowie. This week brings an unexpected windfall, and a chance to see an acquaintance in a new light.

Taurus You will encounter a tall dark labradoodle. His path will cross yours, and your eyes will meet. He will tell you a story of loss, of pain, of a chase unending and a stick never to be retrieved.

He will tell you his name; his name is Walter. He will bark twice at you and you will love him terribly for it. When he leaves you you will weep, for you will never know a dog such as Walter again.

Gemini The life of a mystic is replete with tiresome social gatherings—crusty bearded men in robes comparing the length of their wands, copious quantities of intoxicating potions, and all around an inflated sense of one’s cosmic influence. As such I find it invaluable to inject some variety into my days—to spend some time amongst the mortals. Try and get out of Cambridge once in a while, Gemini.

Maybe a day trip to London? I’m not saying the grass is greener, but at least you’re allowed to tread on it.

Cancer By now, Cancer, you will have realised that socialising at this point in term can be an exercise in futility. “I have supervision work to do until the end of the week!” your friends moan. Virgo will not be dragged from their desk, no matter how earnestly I implore them

Cover Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

to find a work-life balance.

However, though your exhortations may fall on deaf ears, you need not suffer the same miserable fate. It’s not sad to go see Black Panther on your own. Look, the Light Cinema has it in IMAX! Leo It’s always important to understand the interests of others. Learn when to push a new passion on a friend, and when to hold back, and you will forever share an enlightening and edifying relationship. Leo, ease up on the Hamilton references. And if you continue to carry on when they tell you they’re not into musicals, the Story of Tonight will be a one-man show.

Virgo Dogs. Stay away from dogs.

Libra If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. That’s what my grandmother always told me. And as I write, at the age of 82 she will be trying for the sixth time to storm a podium at the Winter Olympics. There’s a lesson in that, Libra. Age is no barrier, perhaps; persistence is the key to a long life; or maybe simply that a grandmother’s wisdom is worth its weight in gold.

Could you pick one this week? I promised her I’d record this. How do you use a VCR? Scorpio This week you will finally enjoy—truly enjoy—a feeling of freedom you haven’t known for the longest time. Don’t worry about squandering it, or worrying it away. This time is You Time, Scorpio, and there’s no such thing as wasted You Time. Actually, scratch that. I’m looking at your Upay account from next week. Shit, that’s a lot of VKs.

Sagittarius Three Crushbridges will be written this week, addressed to your initials.

Though none will have been actually written for you, Sagittarius, take the time to digest their messages. You are deserving of love—maybe not this week, but in general.

Capricorn Three visits this year. Perhaps four, if you can spare the time. No, if you choose to spare the time. You could call, at least.

Aquarius You are surrounded by good friends who give even better advice. Seriously, I wish I had friends like yours!

Treasure these companions, and value their wisdomous guidance. Maybe buy them some chocolate? Ooh, or some new gloves.

Pisces Pisces, I can’t find my telescope, so I’m gonna run this one off the dome. You’re going to read something very distressing on BBC News, and you will wonder for the state of humanity.

“Surely your prediction is too dour, mystic! We live in an age of and moral fortitude!” comes your rebuttal, and yes, I know, it seems so unlikely. But trust me on this one. When have I ever been wrong?

Write For Travisty Think you can do better?

Email ke297@cam.ac.uk mec72@cam.ac.uk

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What We’ve Given Up for Lent

Weekly hot takes from Travisty’s writers A lexander Chamberlain My New Year’s Resolutions.

A ndrew Sellek Sending in my one-liner on time.

A nonymous My dignity.

A rjun Banwait Non-alcoholic drinks.

Chris Baish Originality.

H arry Metrebian Strikethrough jokes.

Jovan Powar A warm neck.

KErem Ergene Proofreading.

K evin Wang The illusion that my friends actually enjoy going to Hall with me.

Megan Crane Lectures.

Mina Frost Deadlines.

Muhammad M anji Writing Travisty articles.

Toby Henley Smith Power.

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