Navigating family conflict this Christmas season

It is that most wonderful time of the year again. Christmas tunes are blaring, and our Netflix recommended movies are a line-up of pure Christmas holiday movie cheer. Have you noticed, though, that no holiday movie comes without a hefty dose of intra-family belligerence? In fact, this time of the year, the internet is overflowing with lists on how to avoid or mitigate family conflicts. That does not sound like something straight out of the most wonderful time of the year. Yet it is. Along with our increased time with loved ones, family gatherings and other expected commitments that come along blood lines, comes a breeding ground for contempt and festering emotional wounds just waiting to be ripped open. Apparently, that is all pretty normal, and research suggests about three quarters of all people have at least one family member that drives them crazy.

Sigmund Freud called it “the narcissism of small differences”, which is explained as how the minor differences in people who are otherwise alike, form the basis of feelings of hostility between them.

Here we were thinking that the end-of-year holidays means time for our much-needed break! It can be, if we understand that conflict is a normal part of how families engage (especially when they are suddenly living in close proximity to one another again) and if we learn skills to negotiate for better understanding within our families.

In fact, disagreements are a healthy part of family life, and resolving family conflict effectively also teaches children how to negotiate and reach compromises, setting them up for strong relationships throughout life.

Most of us have an overwhelming fear of family conflict and do our utmost to avoid it at all costs. The simple fact of the matter is that this is not necessary. Conflict may just be the tool that will bring us closer and enable us to understand our family members better. So, instead of running away from disputes, why not learn how to deal with them in an effective manner?

Here is a short list of healthy ways in which we can navigate family conflict:

Anger has a funny way of turning off our ability to listen to others. We get so wrapped up in our emotions that, no matter what anyone says, all that matters to us is expressing our feelings and hurts. This is one of our biggest downfalls in a fight as we lose our compassion towards the other person’s needs.

In order to truly understand our loved ones in the heat of an argument, we need to remain calm, set aside our pride and actively listen with the intent to understand what it is they are saying. Once you have listened and understood what the other person is saying, you can communicate your side of the story and chances are, if they have felt listened to, they will reciprocate and you can solve the dispute in a calm, understanding manner.

We tend to be programmed to win fights, no matter what, even if it could cost us our relationship with the other person. Making the decision to sit back, listen to your loved ones and come up with a resolution may not always be easy but it may be well worth it.

The first step in negotiating is figuring out whether what you are fighting over is even worth the fight. Once that decision has been made it is important to cool off, define what it is you are arguing about and talk about it reasonably. If you can find common ground and agree to disagree with the other party on certain points, you are bound to resolve your disputes and be well on your way to a happy, productive time with your family.

If you are in the heat of the moment, riled up by anger and overwhelmed with emotion, it might not be the best time to address conflict as you may say or do things you will later regret. It is often better to sit back, calm down and address the issue at a later stage. Do not be afraid to schedule a sit down to deal with issues rather than just react.

One of the worst things we can do to ourselves is to compare our holidays and experiences to those of the people around us. We are all in different places in our lives and enjoying your holiday for what it is can be one of the best ways to avoid conflict. We need to learn to be happy for our loved ones even when it seems they have their lives down to a T while we are barely managing to stay afloat. By enjoying other people’s happiness and success you bring yourself one step closer to your own.

One of the most difficult things is to accept that you are the problem in a situation. It takes a lot to admit that we were the cause of an unnecessary argument. Perhaps you were having an off day or simply misunderstood something but oftentimes even when deep down we know we were wrong our pride causes us to stick to our guns and be unable to say we are sorry. “I’m sorry, I was wrong” is one of the most powerful phrases in an argument and, provided you are genuine about it, will extinguish most fights. Just make sure you mean what you say.

The festive season is filled with excitement. It is a time to spend relaxing, reminiscing and reconnecting, but it is not always sunshine and roses. If you are planning on spending extended periods of time in close quarters with family members, chances are tempers will flare and conflict may arise. Conflict is not bad; it leads us to better understand one another, but if we are just fighting with our loved ones, this can lead to unresolved hurt and unnecessary grudges that may leave you resenting a holiday that is supposed to be joyful. It is vital to know how to deal with irritations and arguments during this time so we can avoid making mountains out of molehills when it comes to that one family member that drives us up the wall.

Kirsty Watermeyer