PARENT TRAP

by dr. tim jordan

Prom Night Advice

ABOUT ONE THIRD OF ADOLESCENTS are victims of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner, and one-fourth of high school girls will experience physical or sexual abuse. Girls between the ages of 16 and 24 have the highest rate of partner violence, and 70% of college students say they have been sexually coerced. It’s a huge problem that seems to fly under our radar. Let me share some wisdom to guide your daughter about taking care of herself on prom night through a letter from a dad to his daughter.

Dear Daughter,

First of all, know that I love you and want the very best for you. I realize you are no longer a little kid, but in my heart, you will always be daddy’s little girl. That said, prom night is approaching, and my dad-alarms are going off like crazy, worrying if you know how to take care of yourself with your dating partner. So instead of being stuck in fear, I am offering you some wisdom about how to best take care of yourself that evening.

Don’t buy into the cultural myth that prom is a coming-of-age party where it’s expected that you get wasted and have sex. It’s your night and your decisions, so make them for your reasons.

It’s not true that every boy just wants sex. Deep down, guys want the same thing as girls: closeness, intimacy and understanding. Find non-sexual ways to experience intimacy. The closeness hormone oxytocin is released with hugs, holding hands and eye contact—not just through sex.

The best way to avoid having your sexual boundaries crossed is being aware of your internal alarms: a knot in your stomach, pounding heart, sweaty palms, racing thoughts or a tightening in your throat. These are signs your body is telling you to take care of yourself. Take a break to calm down, connect with your girlfriends, or leave the situation. When you get that feeling in your gut that something doesn’t feel right, trust it.

It’s critical that you become aware of what might blunt your alarms. Alcohol and drugs make you short-sighted. Alcohol also affects the hippocampus which is responsible for forming memories, and memory is your first line of defense. If your hippocampus has been turned off by substances, you won’t remember your pre-drinking assessments of people and will be at risk of making bad decisions.

Other things that blunt your intuition are desperately wanting the approval of others, worrying that you’re being lame, allowing self-doubts to confuse you or low self-esteem. These are potential growing edges for you, so take them seriously and work on them. What’s far more important than being wanted is for you to want what’s best and right for you.

Set clear, firm boundaries. Good girl conditioning tells you to be nice, not make waves and put others needs first without being too loud or assertive. Boys respond best to clear, firm boundaries versus meek ones.

Make a list of your criteria for a dating relationship, including sexual behavior. Creating your own standards while quiet and clear-headed is much better than trying to make good decisions in the heat of the moment. Cultivate quiet alone time to think, reflect and decide.

I love you, but what’s more important than that is that you love you. You will take care of yourself in direct proportion to what you feel you deserve. If you truly believe that you are loved, important and deserve the best, your actions and decisions will match that belief.

Throw off any limiting beliefs about yourself or self-doubts and go to prom armed with your intuition, and well thought out decisions. Have a blast, be true to yourself and be ferocious and clear with boundaries. I believe in you, and I love you. &