last laugh

By Brandon Goldstein

OK, so it’s that time of the year. I started thinking about what to get Mom and Dad for their respective “holidays” (Yeah, Hallmark, I’m calling you out!), but as time gets closer, I still haven’t been able to think of anything. They have it all! They’re old and can buy their own gifts. A macaroni necklace, my go-to favorite as a kid, just doesn’t seem to cut it these days.

What probably got in my way of thinking of what to do for them on their special days (the one besides their birthdays and their anniversary) was the celebration of all those other new made-up holidays that saw Mother’s and Father’s Day and were totally inspired, thinking “We could do that too!” Happy Grilled Cheese Day, folks.

So, what really happens? We only have 365 days in a year, so some people are starting to share their days, right? I know the going joke used to be that Earth Day shared a day with 4/20, the most epic Earth celebrating holiday there is. Of course, I was clearly listening to the wrong people (it’s on 4/22). Whatever, my dealer is still a stand-up guy!

But now my smart ass question of “When is Son’s Day?” actually has an answer. It’s this August. You can start thinking about what to get me now, Mom!

When did all these holidays actually become celebrated? I do believe our mothers and fathers deserve a day. They did, after all, raise fine specimens. But our grandparents? They are getting the perks of Mother’s and Father’s Day already, and they still want more? Nana’s gettin’ greedy!

I’m not even sure Hallmark, those schemers, is behind it anymore. I blame the Internet for this travesty of making April 2nd anything more than simply… April 2nd (also known as National Peanut Butter & Jelly Day). What has gone wrong with the world? I sent a card last year and Mr. PB&J never even said thank you.

So, this year, I’m going to start making holidays of my own, based arbitrarily on my moods. For obvious reasons, they will revolve mostly around the things I like. Let’s say tacos. National Taco Day sounds great. We all go to the taco store and receive a free taco. Perfect! Oh wait, there already is a National Taco Day in October…

Hmmm… Maybe I can think of something more outlandish, yet still amazing. How about espresso? Not quite as notable as coffee, but still enjoyed by select energy junkies. Damn, that’s already April 17th. There must be something without a day!

Oh, well, until I think of one, I’ll just have to go back and figure out what to get good ole’ Ma and Pops for their special “holidays.” Suggestions are welcome; macaroni necklaces are not. ■

Late SPRING 2021

BC THE MAG