LAST LAUGH

By Brandon goldStein

Let’s get one thing straight here: Nobody loves heartburn. Yet, just like we enjoy that soreness after a great workout, heartburn is the price we pay for eating the foods we love the most. Something about the summer just brings out the biggest tests for our bellies.

Hot Dogs

There’s nothing better than enjoying a hot dog at the ballpark on a sunny day. Taking only six bites to finish - 10 if you get a foot-long - few things pack the same delicious punch in such a quick consumable package than this mystery meat wrapped in a white bread bun and smothered with sauerkraut and mustard. They are so easy to eat that you might need to order two. Hell, order three! You’ll be 100% satisfied for that first hour after you eat them and then you’ll start to feel like your insides are about to explode through your chest.

Everything in a Can

It used to be simple: beer or soda was served in cans. The other day, I had a tequila sunrise in one. Then my friend showed me their non-caffeinated energy drink in a can that instead uses “natural ingredients” to give you that totally “natural” feeling boost you need. Right after that, my friend pointed out that they now sell water in a can -- which I can’t get my head around even though it seems like such an obvious way of saving the plastic water bottle ridden planet. Just check the label before ya crack it open. Words to the wise!

Sriracha Sauce

This is less about the entrée and more about the condiment. I’m pretty sure Sriracha was first conceived as a way of getting back at an ex-boyfriend. “Sure, come over. I’ll make you dinner and we can talk about getting back together!” I’m assuming her name was Siri, and her real intention was to create some sort of organ explosion inside her ex-lover. It worked, except she overlooked one thing: She was a really great cook, and Sriracha tastes delicious.

Burritos

Let’s take everyone’s favorite foods and wrap them up in a tortilla. It sounds like a great idea and it’s really delicious. It’s funny how few foods are more American than pizza and burritos, and neither is American. Forget that. I feel really patriotic as I bite into my beautiful Mexican cheeseburger. C’mon, that’s totally what it is! It’s rare that you’ll get all of the bountiful assets in one bite, but that’s an argument for another day. We can all agree on one thing: It’s going to taste amazing, and no more than 20 minutes after that first bite, you’ll feel the warm air beneath you, and it’s not because you’re flying.