HEALTH

When the Anger in Our World Is Frightening, Turn to Self Examination.

When anger erupts in our world – political discord, demonstrations, and terrifying mass shootings – all exacerbated by the Covid pandemic – managing feelings on a day-to-day basis is challenging. Consequently, it’s important to examine in more depth what we feel.

Our anger tells us “something is off” – not right, out of sync – and produces a need to do something. It’s a sensation that “biologically” motivates us to “fight, flee, or freeze” as a way to resolve the alarm bells. Today demands important self-examination – reflecting on how you handle and express anger. Outbursts don’t work. Stuffing the feelings doesn’t work. That leaves what’s genuinely difficult for most – Talking about it.

Most of us need a “re-do” when it comes to managing angry encounters. The task, then, is to determine how and what to change. Start by reflecting on what you saw and learned growing up. How did the adults in your life manage anger? Think about your parents, an athletic coach, teachers, family friends, and neighbors. We, typically, one, copy what we saw and experienced, or, two, resolve to do something totally different.

It’s important to examine in more depth what we feel.

Next ask: How often do you feel angry? How do you express it? Or do you try to avoid angry feelings?

• My anger surges quickly and I frequently lash out without examining what’s going on with me. I can even quickly resort to physical action. • I’m shocked by my angry feelings and have trouble deciding what I need to say or do. • I don’t understand my feelings, don’t know what to say or do, and, consequently, say little to nothing. • I’m slow to anger, and able to focus on negotiating and resolving conflict. • I try to pay attention to my own feelings so I can take care of myself in the interaction.

Next be specific about your reactions when anger is directed at you from others.

• I’m immediately defensive, quick to anger, and don’t hesitate to lash out in return. • I freeze in place, can’t think or speak clearly, and find ways to distance or retreat rapidly. • I become calm, clear headed, listen carefully, and try to diffuse the situation.

Reflect and consider your own unique responses.

Most importantly, start a process of thinking about what you do and say – how you conduct yourself. Our assessments are important when there is a heightened sense of polarizing anger in our communities and relationships.

Bottom line: Anger is a “signal” from our system that something is “off” and needs clarification. There’s nothing inherently wrong with an angry feeling. The challenge arises in how each of us manages what we feel – and what we choose to say and do.

A straightforward and calm statement: “I feel angry about this _____” can lead to both your internal understanding as well as a start on conflict resolution with the person you are talking to. Sounds impossible to some, or simply too hard. But it’s still a reasonable option once you get more connected to understanding your feelings.

Anger can mask fear and create bravado; and it can also mask sadness and grief. If access to sadness and grief is hard, anger will sometimes surge as a protective feeling. It’s off in terms of what’s really going on, but that is often hard to recognize, let alone label accurately. Fear, grief, and anger are legitimate feelings. The challenge is appropriate expression.

HEALTH New

So try a few more reflections.

• Has the isolation caused me to feel a change in the level or intensity of my anger? Am I more easily annoyed or moved to stronger feelings? • Who am I typically angry with? • How have I expressed anger? Outbursts? Unreasonable requests or demands? Retreating or withdrawing and refusing to talk things through? • Have I “stuffed it”? Do I have physical symptoms – headaches, clinched jaw, tension in head, neck, and shoulders? • How would my family, friends, colleagues describe how I manage anger? • Am I falling back on old behaviors? Am I inconsistent? Are my reactions exaggerated by the isolation?

Try New Behavior.

• Always pause before speaking or acting when angry. Remember the feeling is not what’s wrong; it’s how you choose to manage, express, deal with it. • Take a breath. Take a break from the conversation, and say, “I will clear my head and return.” Set a minimum of 5 minutes and stick to the time you establish. • Step away and breathe and think. What are you feeling? What do you want to say and do versus what is the best course of action after reflection? • Give yourself permission to say, “I’m angry.”. Just the words can diffuse the intensity you feel. • Think of a sensitive and caring way to describe what you are legitimately upset about. • Ask for feedback. “Do you understand what I’m saying? Do I need to clarify?” • Create a dialogue and listen to what the other person is saying. • Make sure you keep breathing. • Ask if a resolution, clarification, is possible. • Ask for feedback.

It’s important to consider what your peaceful contribution might be in a time where conflict and anger seem to threaten the possibility of resolution. And keep in the foreground that anger is normal. The way each of us chooses to express it can lead to resolution or create even more disruption. Imagine you are capable of choosing your reaction rather than being controlled by unexpected, unresolved feelings.

With tension high, we truly can’t afford to lash out at one another right now. The majority of us are tender hearted, caring, and hopeful of being connected to others; and inappropriate anger simply gets in the way of the expression of those feelings. Conflict and legitimate feelings can be expressed in ways that encourage understanding across differences and create more connection; and when we actually listen – to ourselves and to others – we learn something. If these ideas are challenging, consider sharing, discussing, and finding some new ways to resolve feelings that are, from time to time, too confusing. If you need resources, call my office for information.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Linda Moore has been in practice in the Kansas City area for over 25 years and is a published author on personal and family issues.

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