HEALTH

If We Want 2021 to Get Better, We Need a Reset.

When the clock struck midnight in 2020, one question: Have you made any resolutions for the New Year? Surveys suggest that about 50 percent of us make resolutions and that most have abandoned them by mid to late February. But as we unpack the challenges, the pain, the losses — on so many levels — and the uncertainty resulting from the pandemic, we certainly need reflection and change. What that change involves will differ for each of us; but for most it does demand focus on what’s next and what we need to feel healthy, whole, and on track.

So, at the most basic level, consider this: Write down all your negative feelings about this past year. The list can be as long as needed. Put it aside, and next write down all the positive feelings about this year. And finally write the most simple goal you have for yourself as this year unfolds.

Is resolving to change on multiple levels going forward into 2021 with confidence the best idea? Consider this: Resolutions have a “ring” that feels commanding, demanding, forceful, and, to some who’ve reported in conversation, punitive in nature,even suggesting, “What a slouch I’ve been this year” and, therefore, “I must get a grip on myself.” Shorthand: resolutions, for most, speak to our failures.

Consequently, I’m suggesting the more basic act of setting goals. Just a word change? Not really. The things we think about, the specific words we use as we reflect, register differently in our frontal lobe. While resolutions appear to have a negative impact, goal setting is aspirational. And it speaks to the better nature in us.

Start with a simple example: If you resolve to clean your desk and thoroughly sort the pile of stacked up files and find you have not done so in days, even weeks, it’s fairly easy to give yourself a hard time. (Feel free to insert your more serious examples, like losing weight, exercising regularly, resolving conflicts with friends and family, considering working toward a promotion or going back to school, perhaps retiring, or figuring out next steps after this challenging, and in some cases damaging, isolation.) But back to the “punitive” thoughts

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in our heads, such as, “I am a slug, lazy, disorganized, and hopeless.” Some people can go even further with thought distortions … ”I never follow through, so I’ll never get this done.” It’s no use to try to change; it never works.” If you quickly reject the idea that you think like that, give yourself a moment to at least check in with your version of self-talk and mild to serious distortions. We all have them, but we are also all different.

Try shifting gears. If you make it a goal for what you aspire to do, you can typically count on different outcomes. Sometimes you actually do it because it feels more like a choice versus an order you’ve given yourself; and, sometimes, you decide that it’s not necessary to have it at the top of your list, because of other things that have been important to identify as priorities.

If this isn’t yet feeling like a legitimate distinction, test it. Take one thing you are hopeful of changing in your life, no matter how big or small. First make a written resolution about the change or goal. Write it down. Read it over. “I resolve/or promise/or commit to ______.” Sit back and test how it feels, and pay attention to the thoughts that come into the foreground of your mind. Typically, most of us initially feel good about a resolution . . . stronger, a better person for resolving. However, next watch for the confounding and confusing thoughts that come into your mind, such as, “I don’t want to,” “I haven’t succeeded before,” “I always say this and I really can’t do it,” and anything else you know is a common and familiar self-negating thought.

Now repeat the process with a statement of a goal. Ensure that the language in each process is truly different: My goal/intention is to _____ in the next ____ weeks/ months. And, again, listen for the thoughts. Hopefully they are more realistic and even might include doubts about your commitments. But doubt can be more easily managed versus distortions like, “I never succeed,” “I know I won’t really be able to do it.” Doubt is “it will be hard” and “I want to try.” Let yourself reflect on the difference. It may seem far too subtle, but it’s different in your brain.

Depending on the time of the new year you are reading this, most of us know 2021 can be better than 2020, regardless of our life circumstances, losses, and challenges in navigating this very difficult, and painful year … whether personal and/or family health, work challenges, the pressures of isolation or limitations, financial and educational challenges … and the complexity of emotional and psychological struggles that almost all have had, on some level. The list for many is long.

So, at the most basic level, consider this: Write down all your negative feelings about this past year. The list can be as long as needed. Put it aside, and next write down all the positive feelings about this year. And finally write the most simple goal you have for yourself as this year unfolds.

Mostly, acknowledge things are changing dramatically and feelings are up and down. Writing about what you feel and setting a goal for change are almost always helpful in the process. And when you tap into challenging feelings, always remember it’s a good thing to reach out to someone you feel comfortable talking to. Just that basic process helps!

And for a footnote, to go deeper in your reflection, use this idea from psychologist and author Tara Brach. She says, consider RAIN:

R- Recognize what is happening.

A- Allow the experience to be there just as it is.

I- Investigate with interest and care.

N- Nuture with self compassion.

My goal: to encourage everyone I interact with to wear a mask, maintain recommended social distancing, and to wash your hands. And if my goal even remotely annoys you, ask yourself what that’s about.

And please take care of yourself and those you love

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Linda Moore has been in practice in the Kansas City area for over 25 years and is a published author on personal and family issues.

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