HEALTH

The Road Not Taken and Other Reflective Questions.

When our regular and day-to-day activities stop, questions and reflections about the past and future are common. This, preferably, happens during long, restful weekends or on vacations. Except now, during our need to isolate and dramatically limit the number and nature of our work, family and social contacts, those questions and reflections are even more common.

These considerations you are contemplating are “normal,” just in case you have been wondering

Psychologically, such questions can be enlightening, helpful, and provide insight and fuel for change going forward. Consequently, making the reflections intentional and structured can be helpful – creating healthy, productive energy for decision making when, for many of us, life, best directions, and choices feel encumbered by significant external stressors.

Therefore, the significance of reflecting, and especially about the “Road Not Taken,” can be helpful if you consider some structure for the process of contemplation. So think about grabbing a notebook or your laptop and do some healthy thinking about the past, the present, and the future.

To begin, make an effort to let go of a “need to control.” Meaning? Being in control is something most of us believe we can and should strive for, but, unfortunately, it’s the opposite of what works in life – from the way we think to the conversations, decisions, actions, and effectiveness of our efforts. And in the challenges we’re currently facing, feeling “out of control” is more common. So if you feel out of control, doesn’t it make sense to do whatever possible to regain control?

The effort to control tightens your body and alters your breathing. Most of us actually hold our breath when feeling out of control. The effort constricts constructive thinking and shuts off feelings. So when you believe “I need to control this situation and what I’m thinking, feeling, and doing” is saying is that it’s actually far less likely to be successful – and almost guaranteed to create conflict with anyone else in the conversation or negotiation.

Consider the possibility that it’s far more effective to “be in charge.” It is genuinely different. When shifting from in control to in charge, you breathe, relax, and gain access to both physical and emotional feelings. You open your mind and heart and are, thus, ready for the conversation, activity, interaction, and decision you face. It specifically means you are listening to and doing so mindfully as well as speaking and incorporating the ideas of others … maybe to an idea better than your own?

Experiment. Hold your breath and check your awareness to what happens on all levels: body, mind, and emotions. Then breathe deeply, relax, and check again. Releasing control and relaxing into a place of being in charge is the desired frame of mind for thoughtful review of the Road Not Taken.

To begin: Reflect on the decades of your life. Start with ages one through 10; then 10 through 20; then 20 through 30; and on to your present decade/age. Create lots of space to write, name, and describe each decade. An example might be: Years one through 10 were formative years where I learned to […] or where I was told to […].

With decades identified and named, review each 10year period for crossroads, big and small decisions you faced. Did you have resources or feel you were on your own with making the best choices?

Now pinpoint Roads Not Taken. Identify the choices and options you had each time you faced a fork in the road. Write about both mistakes and successes. Reflect on resources available or not available, help you might have needed or found necessary for self-reliance.

Write as much as you can. Then review and reflect. What patterns do you see? What good choices. What regrets. Who were the people who helped or influenced?

Now sit back and reflect. What do you want the next months, years, and decades to look like? How do you become your best self going into an uncertain future … one that will take time to unravel, let alone predict.

What strengths do you bring from past decisions – both successes and failures – to the present?

What are you leaving out right now, if anything? What are any simple steps you can take to feel a clear sense of direction?

Finally, if you can let go of control and embrace being in charge, you truly can begin a process to define and design the coming weeks, months, and years. It’s a challenge all of us are facing; so talk about it as openly as you can with family, friends, and coworkers, and don’t hesitate to express yourself. You just don’t know what you may want or what you might change – but that you’re thinking about it is a great place to start.

Let me know if you have questions, and, remember, that uncertainty is a pretty common bottom line for most of us … at least once in a while, and certainly in the restricted environment most of us find ourselves in today. This way of thinking opens your mind first for past to present, and then onward for the future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Linda Moore has been in practice in the Kansas City area for over 25 years and is a published author on personal and family issues.

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