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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Kampakis, Kari, 1972- author
Title: 10 ultimate truths girls should know / Kari Kampakis.
Other titles: Ten ultimate truths girls should know
Description: Nashville, TN : Tommy Nelson, Thomas Nelson, [2026] | Includes bibliographical references. | Audience: Ages 13 and up | Summary: "Now with a beautifully updated cover and design, this approachable guidebook from Kari Kampakis, author and mom of four daughters, will show teen girls that they don't have to compromise their integrity (or future) to find love and security. Includes practical advice, relatable stories, and insightful discussion questions"-- Provided by publisher.
Identifiers: LCCN 2026020787 | ISBN 9781400258147 hardcover
Subjects: LCSH: Teenage girls--Religious life | Teenage girls--Conduct of life | Christian life--Biblical teaching
Classification: LCC BV4551.3.K36 2026
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2026020787
Printed in India
26 27 28 29 30 NT 5 4 3 2 1
M fr: NT / India City: New Delhi / October 2026 / PO #12386731
To Harry, whose love, humility, and patience help me understand Christ better. You are the best, and I’m thankful to be your wife.
And to our daughters: Ella, Sophie, Marie Claire, and Camille. You girls are my angels, living reminders that there is, indeed, a heaven. Always know how loved you are.
The 10 Ultimate Truths
TRUTH #10: KINDNESS is more important than POPULARITY.
TRUTH #9: You were born to fly.
TRUTH #8: Today’s choices set the stage for your reputation.
TRUTH #7: Chasing boys for validation isn’t the answer. Treat boys as potential friends, not potential boyfriends.
TRUTH #6: You weren’t made to worship yourself.
TRUTH #5:
People peak at different times in life. Trust God’s plan for you.
TRUTH #4:
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Otherwise, you’ll never stand strong.
TRUTH #3:
How you present yourself affects how people see you.
TRUTH #2:
Pretty girls are a dime a dozen. Outer beauty attracts attention, but inner beauty is what holds it.
TRUTH #1:
The source of all peace and happiness lives inside you. Learn to listen to the whispers of God over the megaphone of public opinion.
Introduction
Is it joy you want? What if I told you about a joy that longs to wrap its arms around you, hold you close, and tell you how unconditionally loved you are?
There are two things in life that no one can prepare you for One is how fun it is to be a girl
The other is how hard it is to be a girl
Let’s start with the fun side I sn’t it great to be part of the gender that finds it perfectly acceptable to sing at the top of your lungs, dance in the kitchen, and jump up and down squealing with your best friend because you both bought the same bathing suit?
What about slumber parties, girls’ nights, and deep conversations in the dark, where you pour out your heart until three o’clock in the morning? Can you even imagine life without these joys?
On the flip side, there is a dark underbelly to being a girl that makes some days tough T he mean girls who criticize your
10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know
singing and dancing, for instance The best friend who accuses you of copying her when you show up in the same bathing suit T he slumber parties you aren’t invited to T he girls’ night that leads to drama T he secrets you share with a trusted soul on Saturday night—only to have them broadcast at school on Monday morning
If only life could be consistent
If only bad days weren’t so bad
If only you knew, beyond a doubt, that all your joy and pain would amount to something
If only.
My friend, I don’t know which way your life is swinging right now, whether you’re living the dream or barely hanging on, but either way, I have some truths to center you
As everything constantly changes around you and inside you— your feelings, your friends, your body, and your circumstances—you can cling to these truths like a ten-ton boulder
The God who made you loves you passionately. He created you in His image to serve your generation like no one in the universe has ever served before.
His plans for your future would astonish you. You can anticipate them with great expectation.
Now, I’m not promising that life will be easy I ’m not touting God as a magic genie who will make all your wishes come true, from winning the Olympics to becoming an international influencer
What I am saying is that your Maker is your biggest fan He
thinks about you constantly and loves you more than your parents or anyone else on earth
God created you for a purpose, and when you discover His purpose for you, you live your best life possible.
You find peace
You find security
You find love, joy, courage, confidence, acceptance, and a supernatural strength that equips you to handle any curveball you face
So how do you start? How do you discover God’s best path for you? Can you rely on your feelings and emotions to always point you in the right direction?
Your feelings and emotions are important T hey’re part of the inner radar that helps guide you ( Think of a time when someone gave you a funny feeling, and you found out later how your suspicions were correct W hen a situation doesn’t feel or seem right—well, it probably isn’t right )
But sometimes feelings and emotions can blur your thinking Sometimes they put thoughts in your head that simply aren’t true
While you may feel invisible in a crowd, you aren’t invisible to God
While you may feel forgotten by the world, you aren’t forgotten by God
While you may feel like your future is hopeless, you always have hope through God
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
(JOHN 8:32)
Feelings and emotions swing like the weather— they can be sunny one day, overcast the next T hey’re up, down, and all around You need something bigger to base your life upon, something steadier to test your feelings and emotions against This is where the truth comes in
Why the Truth Matters
Has anyone ever lied to you?
Have you ever been blindsided by a person you trusted? If so, how did you feel afterward? How did the event change you or that relationship?
At some point, we all get hurt by lies We all encounter dishonesty A nd while this experience can be heart-wrenching, you’ll get past the pain You’ll learn from it and also learn to trust your gut instincts that suggest signs of trouble early on
Deep down, we all crave the truth A nd if there’s a silver lining to being fed lies, it’s the fact that deceit can trigger your hunger for the truth Once you get duped or betrayed, you lose all tolerance for lies You develop a passionate desire for a life that is real, meaningful, and honest
This puts you on a better path because a quest for the truth is a quest for God Since God is truth, you can’t separate the two W here one exists, you’ll find the other
God knows that the truth isn’t always obvious and clear H e understands what you’re up against in the pressures and temptations you face, and He hears those questions that stir up confusion in your head Because He loves you, God gives you a lamp for your journey: His Son, Jesus Christ, a light to follow to help you navigate our broken and sometimes dark world
Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life No one comes to the Father except through Him (John 14:6) Throughout the Bible, God makes it clear that a relationship with Jesus is crucial to our salvation Jesus is your bridge to heaven and my bridge too Only He can lead us to eternal life
The 10 Ultimate Truths are designed to point you to Jesus Through real and fictional stories, I illustrate principles you can apply to your life
Your current season of life can feel tricky Doing the right thing isn’t always socially acceptable—it may even cramp your social life It may get you excluded from cool parties You might be labeled a “goody-goody” or wonder what’s wrong with you because you can’t in good conscience push the limits like some of your peers
Or maybe you do push the limits but it unsettles you You believe it’s too late to change because God wouldn’t want to associate with someone like you
If that’s the case, remember this: We’re all sinners saved by God’s grace. We all need Jesus to help us overcome our mistakes Your Creator loves you just as much as the saints who walked this earth And if there’s a breath left in you, God can use you for His kingdom (Ephesians 4:11–13) H e can renew your heart, mind, and spirit
Whether your life feels terrific or challenging, the truth makes it better. What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what
Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know
no human mind has conceived, God has prepared for those who love Him (1 Corinthians 2:9)
Your greatest life purpose is to know, love, and serve the Lord. And when you invite Jesus into your heart, He amplifies your joy, eases your pain, and helps you see the good work that God is doing in your life so you can share the good news with others
Whatever dreams you have, God’s vision is bigger Just thinking about the blessings still ahead for you floods my heart with joy
The best is yet to come, so set your eyes on Jesus Let Him show you the way
Che ering for you, Kari
CHAPTER 1
Popularity
TRUTH #10:
KINDNESS is more important than POPULARITY.
Sadie knew how mean her friend Rosie could be, but since Rosie rarely channeled that meanness toward her, it wasn’t a big deal In many ways, Sadie liked having a strong and bold friend like Rosie because it made her strong and bold too. It also protected Sadie At their school, there was a lot of bullying, but no one
messed with The Elite Eight—their group of friends—because messing with an Elite was messing with Rosie, and anyone who knew anything knew that was a mistake
During lunch one day, Rosie announced a new game she planned to implement
“I have an idea,” she said, her face aglow “ Every week, we’re going to leave out a different Elite I decide who, and you can’t talk to anyone in the group, sit with us, or make eye contact You can’t talk to anyone else either, because the point is to look like a loser so we can laugh at you It’s all a joke, so no getting mad ”
Rosie locked eyes with every Elite at the cafeteria table Apparently, being in this circle wasn’t so safe after all
“Okay?” Rosie asked “ Everyone in?”
Sadie knew this was a stupid idea It made zero sense But like the other girls, she nodded, because when Rosie spoke, a nod was always an appropriate answer
“Fantastic ” Rosie grinned “ Let’s start W ho will be the lucky girl this week?” She glanced around and stopped at Sadie “ You Get up ”
“ Me?” Sadie was shocked
“Yes, you ” Rosie pointed at an empty table nearby “ Sit over there ”
“But why?” Sadie felt sick to her stomach After all, she and Rosie had been friends since birth Their moms were college roommates, and they’d danced together since preschool What was the point of this?
Out of the blue, Sadie’s eyes began to water Rosie quickly noticed
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“Are you crying?” Rosie laughed and looked around to see who else thought this was funny “I swear you’re such a baby It’s just a game Toughen up ”
Sadie wiped her eyes “ I don’t want to sit alone,” she replied, holding her chin up
“Too bad”—Rosie leaned in to speak specifically to Sadie— “You don’t make the rules. Now get up and get going Let’s get this show on the road ”
Sadie hated when Rosie got bossy W hy did she call the shots? Why did no one ever challenge her? Sadie hoped that another Elite might stick up for her, but no one did They were probably too relieved that Rosie didn’t choose them
Sadie walked to the empty table There were ten seats on each side, and she sat in the middle
Sadie heard her friends giggle, and when she looked up, they were all laughing and snapping pictures Sadie felt humiliated—and mad Mad at them and mad at herself for going along with this
Why did she let her friends rule her life? Why did she give Rosie so much power?
Deep down, Sadie knew why To be an Elite, you had to follow Rosie T here was no way around it Plus, Rosie could be fun She organized great parties and made a big fuss over everyone’s birthday W hen she wasn’t making life miserable for someone, Rosie was sweet
“You mind if I sit here?” a voice said Sadie looked up and saw Prentice Pratt, the school’s star tennis player, standing across from her with a lunch tray
Sadie had never talked to Prentice, and all she knew was that
Prentice raised $50,000 for Children’s Hospital last year through a tennis tournament fundraiser
The Elites weren’t supposed to associate with outsiders But since Sadie was in a defiant mood, she did the unthinkable
She let Prentice sit
Her intention was to spite Rosie, but as Prentice began talking, Sadie realized how much she liked her S he was real and funny Not rude-funny like Rosie, who made jokes at people’s expense, but funny in her point of view W hen Prentice described how her brother’s iguana escaped from his cage the night before and snuck into her bed, Sadie nearly choked on her turkey sandwich S he hadn’t laughed that hard in a long time
Sadie heard Rosie clear her throat W hen she looked over, Rosie glared at her and shook her head Sadie knew what she was thinking
Big mistake stepping out of line. I’ll make you pay.
In that moment, Sadie made a choice She decided then that she was done with Rosie, done with The Elites, and done with the kissing up It was an exhausting way to live, and for what?
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
(ROMANS 8:31)
What did those girls give her besides headaches and insecurity?
From now on, Sadie wanted friends like Prentice She wanted friends who made her laugh until her stomach hurt and would never force her to sit by herself for personal entertainment
Why Are Mean Girls Often Popular?
Chances are, you’ve met some Rosies in your life
Or maybe you are a Rosie, the ringleader who everyone worships
Either way, I’d like to share some thoughts about the social scene you’re in and how it will evolve
Generally speaking, girls want to be popular Popularity is the holy grail, what the majority of girls compete for
With only a few coveted spots at the top, it can get ugly Girls often turn on each other and use each other to gain popularity They’ll trade in values and virtues for pride and selfish ambition
In some classes, the most popular girls are kind They may have a tight-knit core circle, but they’re friendly beyond their friend group T hey set a bar of kindness at the top that trickles down and sets a positive tone for everyone
If you’re in a class where kindness is the norm, consider yourself lucky Not everyone is so fortunate
Because far too often, the most popular girls are mean T hey run the show like Rosie, and since everyone is scared of them, they rarely get challenged
When you see a class that tolerates cruelty, look at the top of the social food chain Chances are, the meanest people call the shots
What you should know is this: The mean girls are a minority that feels like a majority. They’re a small core of the population that seems big due to its power and influence.
W ho gives mean girls their power? Their followers—the girls (and guys) who tell them how great they are, sacrificing their own voices and losing their identities to be in their circle
Without a posse, mean girls are powerless They have no hedge to protect them, no one to cover up the big truth lurking behind the scenes: They’re just as insecure and ordinary as anyone else.
Why would anyone follow a mean girl? Typically, it’s not because they like her H ere are more likely reasons:
• They want to be popular—and popular by association works fine
• They crave security (not knowing this is false security)
• They want to stay on her good side
• They’re unaware that better friends exist
• They’re using the mean girl for personal motives
• They’re scared to leave
You know in Wicked when the Wizard of Oz reveals himself as an ordinary man, and not the large, fearsome head poking out from the curtain? Mean girls live in fear of moments like that. They know they are frauds, less powerful than people think, and to be exposed would be their ultimate humiliation
It t akes time, but girls who act mean get what they have coming Eventually they fall from grace as their peers wise up, get a spine, and stop bowing down to them.
Either their mean behavior—or their mean reputation—will catch up with them as the past comes back to haunt them
If you’re in a mean girl’s circle, you’ll go down too Don’t expect
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your friendships to resurrect themselves either, because they were a house of cards to begin with, too fragile to last
You want to put the mean girls out of business? Then band together as much kindness as you can Stand up for anyone being taunted or bullied S how the power of real friendships and good intentions
Water seeks its own level, and the way to attract great friends is to be a great friend first T his means rising above our mean-girl culture and building friendships based on love and trust, not fear and manipulation
Mean girls lose power when their followers jump ship And since their followers are often like Sadie—blindly obeying the ringleader—they may have to get burned before pulling back and considering alternatives
Some girls never learn, but many do T hey meet someone like Prentice and realize what they’re missing Once they recognize true friendship, they don’t want to settle for a phony substitute
We all have some meanness in us, and certainly mean moments, but most people want to do the right thing M ost people want friendships where you celebrate each other rather than tear each other down
“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
Being mean may earn you a place in the most popular crowd, but it won’t endear you to anyone A nd since popularity is a moving target, always subject to change, there’s less security than you think
(JOHN 13:35)
The happiest, healthiest friendships are based on love—not love for yourself, but love for your friend
Why Do Friends Hurt Friends?
I hear so many stories about girls being hurtful, and they all break my heart
But the worst stories are those where friends turn on friends It’s one thing when an acquaintance attacks you—quite another when a friend does
The people you feel closest to have the most potential to hurt you Yes, they know your private stories, but more importantly, you trust them You value their opinions and care what they think So when they betray you, or when you betray them, it’s a dagger to the heart
Imagine scrolling through social media and seeing that your “best friends” have posted a video mocking you They’re mad because you switched from playing volleyball to playing lacrosse, so now they’ve cut you out They’ve branded you as their new common enemy
If your friends act like this, I have two words of advice: Distance yourself. Don’t waste time trying to please them or earn their favor Whatever spin they put on the meaning of “true friendship” is wrong, because girls like this have it backward
They care more about how they feel than how you feel
A true friend doesn’t intentionally hurt your feelings W hen you’re sad, she’s sad, and if she needs to apologize, she will W hen two girls respect each other this way, valuing what the other one thinks and feels, the best possible friendship results
Popularity
If only girls could see what happens at home, in the privacy of their friends’ and classmates’ bedrooms, I guarantee a lot of cruelty would stop Consider this behind-the-scenes glimpse of a girl who’s been mistreated: She comes home from school, and immediately her mom asks what’s wrong She can tell that something isn’t right by her daughter’s lifeless face
The daughter says, “Nothing” and goes to her room The mom debates whether to leave her alone or check in
Fif teen minutes later, she knocks on her daughter’s door and asks to come in T he daughter replies, “No,” but when the mom hears her sobbing, she enters the bedroom anyway
She finds her daughter curled up in a fetal position on her bed She is choking back tears, her cheeks are red, and her hair is sticking to her wet face T he mom starts crying too W hat happened to her baby?
The mom scoops her daughter into her arms and hugs her tightly Her strong, big girl is a limp and vulnerable mess She kisses her daughter’s forehead and tells her over and over again how much she loves her
“W hatever it is,” the mom says, “we’ll get through it together ”
The girl is embarrassed to face her mom, so she keeps her head down as she talks It turns out her old friends ganged up on her today Again. She tried ignoring them, but they followed her around
They posted a video about her eyebrows on TikTok and made a comment about her being a “double-wide” when she walked
past them in the locker room T hey were sneaky, as always, so the teachers didn’t see
With swollen eyes, the girl looks up at her mom and begs to stay home from school “ I can’t go back I can’t face them ”
The mother is sad and furious She wants to call the principal and the mothers of these girls, but the daughter begs her not to “ You’ll make it worse,” she says “ Please don’t ”
Reflect on this scenario for a minute And then ask yourself, “Do I ever want to make someone feel that way? Is that the legacy I hope to leave? Do I want girls sobbing uncontrollably as they tell their mothers about me or smiling because I turned their day around? Do my words and behavior build others up or break their spirit?”
I love girls, and I see so much good in our gender But lurking inside all of us is a competitive monster that, left unchecked, can create a nightmare
When girls get jealous or insecure, we start tearing each other down to build ourselves up. We let personal motives take over.
Our competitive monster doesn’t go away, and whether we’re fifteen years old or fifty, we need to control it
The easiest way to make yourself look good is to make someone else look bad I t takes no effort, right? So, when your insecurities get triggered—maybe because your best friend just announced she’s going to Costa Rica for spring break, or your neighbor received your dream car for her sixteenth birthday—be aware that your jealous monster will itch to come out
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This is why you may make flippant comments like, “I heard that a family got kidnapped in Costa Rica last year” or “My mother thinks that sixteen-year-olds who get new cars are spoiled and entitled ”
Love wants what is best for a person long-term, but when you’re jealous, you don’t desire the best You may want what is good for another girl, but the best?
Well, that means you hope your friend gets a hundred on her history exam even if you get an eighty-six Can you handle that? Will you be okay if she falls in love first wins the election for class president earns a full college scholarship or gets recognized as Most Outstanding Senior over you?
Time and again, your jealous nature will be tested as good things happen to your friends and other girls Jealousy is natural and nothing to be ashamed of, but you should recognize when your monster gets stirred Otherwise, it will ruin your relationships
Love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy or boast (1 Corinthians 13:4) Love is hard to practice in a broken world, but that is no excuse
Your greatest call in life is to love God. Your second greatest call is to love your neighbor as you love yourself (Matthew 22:36–40) A re you doing this already, or is there room to improve? Have you discovered that when your self-love is genuine, your love for others falls into place?
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
(1 THESSALONIANS 5:11)
All this meanness and friends hurting friends has to stop
Maybe if we quit taking our insecurities out on each other, we can love each other properly
Is It True? Is It Good? Is It Useful?
Imagine squeezing an entire tube of toothpaste into the sink Now imagine putting that glop of toothpaste back in the tube.
You can’t do it, can you? Once the toothpaste is out, it’s out
The words you speak are like toothpaste Once you say them, you can’t unsay them You can’t reinsert them in your mouth
Even if you apologize, the mess remains You’ve put a stain on someone’s heart that is hard to remove
Before you speak, text, or post on social media, use the Socrates Triple Filter Test: Is it true? Is it good? Is it useful? Consider whether you’ll regret your words later, and be smart up front Taking thirty seconds to think about the weight that your words carry helps you speak wisely
It helps you become a girl who people respect
By filtering your words, you avoid messy outcomes You ensure that whatever comes out of your mouth is good and beneficial
Real Friends and 50/50 Friends
When I was your age, I had great friends But one mistake I made was expecting my friends to be perfect
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It was an unfair expectation, because only Jesus is the perfect friend T he rest of us are human We fall into bad moods; we make mistakes; we say and do things we regret
Leave some allowance for this in your relationships, and understand how no one friend can meet all your needs Everyone has different strengths, and when you love your friends based on their unique strengths, not weaknesses, you’ll be happier and more satisfied
Having many friends also takes the pressure off any one person Your network can look like this:
• Sophia, who shares your passion for basketball
• Avery, who makes you laugh
• Harper, who gives great advice and listens well
• Lyla, whose courage inspires you
• Anne, whose gentle spirit draws you closer to God
Add these friends up, and you get a sum greater than the parts You can appreciate each girl for who she is—not who you want her to be This makes you a better friend too It makes you the kind of person who others gravitate toward because you’re not impossible to please
Just as you shouldn’t set the bar too high for friends, you also don’t want to set it too low In every relationship, you deserve a certain level of trust and respect—and nothing less
Toxic friendships can wreak havoc on your life, your psyche, and your heart, so be mindful in avoiding them Don’t fall into the trap of putting up with more than you should and paying the price in emotional distress.
Choosing good friends begins with knowing their heart Is their heart in the right place? Do they love you even when you’re at odds? Are you a better person just by knowing them? If you’re sick, do they check in on you? Do they volunteer to help you understand the lesson you missed? Is your absence felt when you’re not with the group?
I once heard of a girl who divides her friends into two categories: Real friends and 50/50 friends
Her real friends are the keepers who she knows she can count on Her 50/50 friends are the girls who she can be friendly to—but she doesn’t place her trust in them
She learned early that not all friends are equal H er 50/50 friends were her best friends until they wrote her off one summer Although she was heartbroken, this event helped her see the light, and it motivated her to find new friends
Years later, when the 50/50 friends wanted her back, she stayed with her real friends W hile she harbors no hard feelings about what happened, she knows better than to get tangled up in their drama again
Here are signs to help you tell the difference between real friends and 50/50 friends
Ten Signs of a 50/50 Friend
1 She’s hot and cold. She loves you one day, then ignores you the next day You’re never sure where you stand T he inconsistency drives you nuts
2 She cuts you down. This is often done underhandedly She may laugh while making a jab about you being “big-backed ”
3 She’s available on her terms. Whether it’s a small issue or an emergency, you can’t always rely on her
4 She messes with your mind. She promises to pick you up for a party—then never shows She leaves you out on purpose and gives you the cold shoulder when she is the one hurting you.
5 She’s competitive. Your problems secretly delight her; your success secretly bothers her
6 You have fun together, but something about her company brings you down. She doesn’t really “get” you or appreciate your true self She rarely asks about your life because she’s usually too busy talking about her own
7 She constantly switches best friends. Will it be you, Maddie, or Caroline this week?
8 Her attitude is “my way or the highway.” One strike and you’re out
9 The friendship is one-sided. You’re always the giver, and she’s always the taker
10 She’s complicated and exhausting. Does it have to be this hard? Do all friendships have this many mind games?
Ten Signs of a Real Friend
1 She’s loyal and steady. Even when you argue, you aren’t worried about losing her friendship
2 She builds you up. And should anyone else insult you, she sets the record straight
3 She’s available to you. And if there is an emergency, she appears on your doorstep
4 She’s honest and up front. There are no mind games being played
5 She’s a fan of yours. When you’re playing in a soccer tournament, she screams in the stands and waves the signs she made for you
6 You have fun together; after leaving her company, you feel uplifted. You like yourself better when you’re with her
7 She has other friends and lets you have other friends too. However, there’s a special place in her heart for you that no one can replace, and she lets you know this She is reassuring
8 She respects your perspective and listens when you share it. She may not always agree with you, but she values your opinions and beliefs
9 Your relationship enjoys a healthy balance. Sometimes you give more, sometimes she gives more, but it all evens out
10 What you see is what you get. She’s a breath of fresh air compared to many girls because she doesn’t change like a chameleon to blend in with every environment
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You can’t force others to be kind, but you can hold yourself to that standard You can stick to small talk with the girls you know you can’t trust and ask God to help you see them through His eyes
Some mean girls will change T hey’ll grow up and realize how awful they once were They may even go back and ask their victims to forgive them I know this offers little comfort now, but it’s good to keep in mind
Ask God to soften the hearts of girls who act mean, and pray for a breakthrough It may be five, ten, or twenty years down the road, but girls remember how they acted “back then,” and many will regret their behavior
Should someone ask you for forgiveness, I hope you’ll give it to her Keep your heart free of grudges and resentment because ultimately, these feelings will hurt you more than the events that caused them
Understand too that some mean girls will never change They’ll get married, raise mean daughters and sons, and become one big mean, terrorizing family It’s sad when this cycle repeats itself, but it happens That is part of the broken world that we live in
All you can control is you. By living up to your God-given design, you’ll find deeper joy and be able to feel proud of the person you’re becoming
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
(1 JOHN 4:7–8)
Simple Ways to Practice Kindness
• Call people by name. Remembering someone’s name is a huge compliment It takes two seconds, yet it builds them up and makes them feel important
When I was at cheer camp in ninth grade, a varsity cheerleader who I admired, Angela Burton, passed me in the hall and said, “Hey, Kari!” Well, I thought I was big-time because Angela Burton knew my name! When Angela and I later became friends, we laughed about this, but it goes to show what a little extra attention can mean
• Look out for the girls who get left out. That girl who sits alone at lunch—do you wonder how she feels? Don’t you think it would make her day if you invited her to sit with you and your friends?
Then there’s that girl who made a terrible mistake by sending inappropriate photos to a boy T here are rumors floating around the school, and now everyone is avoiding contact with her
Why not be the one who sits beside her in class or talks to her during break? Your kindness may be the one thing that helps her through a dark day
How you treat people in the margins—those excluded, ridiculed, shunned, and teased—speaks volumes A t rue Christian doesn’t delight in anyone’s pain or gang up on them for fun You aren’t called to be best friends with everyone, but you are called to be kind
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• Give people the benefit of the doubt. When you see your friends eating pizza without you, do you assume they left you out on purpose? Do you feel certain they’re plotting against you? If so, take a breath We all can be a little suspicious and skeptical at times, but when you jump to conclusions, you’ll immediately assume the worst
Do you really want to yell at a girl for not inviting you to her Valentine’s party—only to realize that you missed her DM? I don’t think so Making rash accusations never ends well It isn’t good for friendships either
Let small injustices roll off your shoulders A ssume the best until someone gives you a good reason not to M ost of all, show grace A s you forgive others, God forgives you (Matthew 6:14)
• Ta me your tongue. Nothing will get you in trouble faster than your mouth Before you speak, remember the Triple Filter Test (Is it true? Is it good? Is it useful?) and add a fourth question: Is it NECESSARY?
While it may be true that Frankie bombed in the talent show, is it necessary to say that out loud? Will any good come from this?
While some hard truths should be shared (like telling your friend that her boyfriend is cheating), other truths are best left unsaid If we all paid attention to the words we blurt out or post online, we could avoid a lot of hurt feelings (Psalm 19:14)
• Qu it judging. Your friend’s family is blowing money, and it bothers you T hey spend excessively on homes, horses,
and designer clothes Have they no shame? How can they live this way when there are starving kids in Africa?
While it’s normal to have judgmental thoughts, it’s wrong to dwell on them We’re called to love, and it’s hard to love anyone when you constantly catalog their weaknesses and flaws
Rather than fixate on negative observations, celebrate strengths Remember how that same mom who overspends took your mom to chemotherapy last week Remember how that dad who works all the time walked three miles in a snowstorm to pick up your baby sister from school
Leave the judgment to God so you can love others more
• Be a force for good. Did God give you a voice to gossip about your friend or lift her up? Do you have eyes to judge appearances or see who may be sad? Are your arms meant to push people away or offer a warm embrace?
God created you to be a light in a dark world H e wants you to empower others Nobody needs to lose their race so you can win your race because in God’s kingdom, there’s room for everyone to thrive You’re called to be Your Best, not The Best
The only real enemy in this world is Satan, who comes to steal, kill, and destroy T he rest of us are God’s beloved children, journeying together toward heaven
Inspire others to become the best version of themselves Call out their gifts and point them to God—knowing that as they grow closer to Him, they’ll grow closer to you too
The Kindness Challenge
(Ephesians 4:32)
Every morning when you wake up, you have a choice
You can use your day to spread kindness or to chase popularity
You can ask yourself, “Who can I help?” or “Who can help me?”
Because here is the deal: You can’t choose both. It really is one or the other If popularity is your motive, you’ll only have eyes for the movers and shakers Only their circle will do And if you’re rejected, it will devastate you because there is no plan B
But if kindness is your motive, your options open up You’ll cast a wide net by being friendly to everyone
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ ”
So me people believe you can’t get ahead this way— that you’ll never achieve your dreams without connecting to big names— but that’s wrong W hen people like you and respect you, they’ll go above and beyond to help you T hey’ll want you to succeed, and God will open the doors you need to do His will
(MATTHEW 25:40)
The most popular girls right now may be mean and brave, but as you grow up, you’ll see that the kind and brave girls make the greatest impact of all
Choose kindness, then surround yourself with friends who do the same
Discussion Questions
1. On a scale of one to ten, how much do you value popularity? Have you ever compromised your values to fit in with a popular crowd? If so, how did you feel afterward?
2. Are mean girls loyal? If you had a crisis, would a mean girl stand by you?
3. How do you treat people who are different: the students with disabilities, the social outcasts, the misfits? Do you speak to them or ignore them? Do you laugh when others make jokes?
4. Have you ever hurt a friend due to jealousy or anger? If so, how can you control your emotions next time?
5. Why isn’t kindness more common in schools today? What one kind habit can you practice daily?
CHAPTER 2
Confidence
TRUTH #9:
You were born to fly.
When I was growing up, I often made simple-minded comments that made people laugh I ’d speak before thinking, demonstrating what I didn’t know, and then get teased
Fortunately, I was a strong student, and that kept me from being labeled dumb I nstead, I was called “book smart,” “naive,”
“green,” and occasionally “a breath of fresh air ” These comments often came from my friends, and they never meant any harm Typically, they’d grin and say, “And that’s why I love you ”
I learned to laugh at myself and take it in fun But deep down, I wished to be different. I didn’t want to be book smart; I wanted to be street smart I didn’t want to be naive; I wanted to be savvy I didn’t want to be gullible; I wanted to be shrewd
Since I was young, I thought I’d change I assumed that I’d outgrow my innocent outlook and morph into a worldly, skeptical adult I ’d lose the rose-colored glasses, grow less optimistic, and stop thinking like a child.
But guess what? Not much changed Yes, I grew wiser I learned to filter my thoughts before blurting them out I began to see harsh realities that never registered with me before Bu t overall, my life outlook still has a childlike wonder I s till marvel over ordinary things I’m still optimistic I can still see the best in people I s till love to laugh, be silly, and watch Disney movies
When I was a child, I hated the child in me I felt like she held me back and prevented me from growing up as fast as my peers
But as an adult, I love that child I see her as a gift from God and the reason why I can write messages of hope and encouragement Now when someone calls me a “breath of fresh air,” I take it as a compliment I realize how important optimism is to a broken, complicated world
The moral of the story is this: Every trait you possess serves a purpose T hey’re all tools in the toolbox you’ll carry through life Each one is necessary
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A tool that seems like a curse right now can become a blessing when it’s time to use it
Until then, you must trust what God gave you At some point, you’ll need each tool
Will you ever be perfectly satisfied with your toolbox? Will you ever stop wishing you could trade a few tools with someone else?
Probably not But you will grow tired of fighting the traits that you can’t change You’ll make a choice to either (1) live miserably with your toolbox or (2) accept it and make the best of it
I hope you choose the latter I hope you never lose your childlike wonder I hope you keep your heart open to God’s master plan for you
He has great things in store, but for that plan to unfold, you must be honest with yourself
What Makes You Different Is What Makes You Great
I live near a middle school, and when my girls were young, I spent a lot of time at their elementary school
I quickly noticed a big difference between the students at these two venues
At the elementary school, I saw lots of personality T he kids were authentic, outgoing, and confident T hey’d run up to hug me and ask random questions Clothing choices were all over the map W hile some kids wore T-shirts and shorts every day (even in thirty-degree weather), others were stylish
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
(EPHESIANS 2:10)
At the elementary school, the overall atmosphere was acceptance Being different wasn’t taboo because everyone was different M ost kids hadn’t figured out yet how to be anyone but themselves
At the middle school, however, the dynamics changed The students appeared more serious, tentative, and reserved The girls all dressed the same (same athletic clothes, same designer brands), and overall, everyone looked a little scared
As I watched the middle school girls walk together each morning, I wondered what happened to the confidence they had in spades at younger ages I w restled with questions like:
• Wh ere are those big personalities that I used to spot a mile away?
• Why do they walk shoulder to shoulder, huddled together like they’re going to war?
• Why is no one smiling?
• Why do they just want to blend in?
Clearly, middle school is an awkward time Pub erty brings major changes and transformations, and nobody ever recalls this season as the best days of their life Once your self-consciousness
Confidence
kicks in during adolescence, anything that makes you different can amplify your insecurity
St ill, these changes made me sad I longed to tell these middle school girls that it’s okay to be yourself You don’t have to become a clone and hide the best parts of you
While some girls will come out of their shell, becoming the unique young women who God designed them to be, others won’t Instead they’ll bottle up their best traits to avoid feeling different
What you should know is this: You were born to fly. You were made to live authentically, not identically to every other girl.
What makes you different is what makes you great , just like the kids at any given elementary school Your uniqueness is part of God’s plan for you
Maybe you like flying under the radar You don’t want to draw negative attention I understand this, but keep in mind that if your goal is to always fly under the radar, then you’re bound to conform You’ll spend your entire life following the crowd to not stand out in any way
Believe it or not, feeling different is a universal feeling A nd if your differences make you feel lonely at times, that’s normal too
We all feel different because we are different N ever before has our world known another human just like you or me
Sometimes we all feel like misfits We question our design
But God entrusted you with experiences and gifts that only you can share. To know how to use these gifts, you must listen to the Holy Spirit, God’s presence inside of you
That inner voice is your instruction manual designed to help you soar It’s the runway you need to fly
T he pressure to conform can feel overwhelming At your age, it’s all about acting alike, talking alike, and falling in line like soldiers
But when you make yourself a carbon copy of every girl you know, you become replaceable You make yourself interchangeable with thirty other girls
And honestly, what’s the point of that?
Take a minute to think about your favorite people on earth What attracts you most? What makes you crave their company? What makes them one-of-a-kind?
Chances are, you love them because they’re unique You’ve never met anyone like your sassy YiaYia or your war hero Uncle Joe—and you never will because they are an original You couldn’t clone them if you tried
At times you’ll feel tempted to hide your differences W hether it’s a scar from an accident or a passion for sports analytics, you may worry about getting teased
For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
(2 TIMOTHY 1:6–7)
But when you bury your unique story, you bury your potential too I t’s often through your authentic experiences that your best opportunities arise.
Whatever you’d like to cover up could be what God uses to multiply His kingdom
So, aim higher than normal Dare to be different in a
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good way Isaiah 40:31 (nlt) says, “But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength They will soar high on wings like eagles They will run and not grow weary T hey will walk and not faint ”
Let the Lord equip you to fly Don’t be scared to leave your comfort zone to chase a big dream Like an eagle, you have wings, and once you set those wings in motion, God shows up to help
Is There Hope for Quiet Girls?
When I was young, I was very shy I liked to observe life rather than jump into action
While the neighborhood kids played games in our front yard, I stayed in my bedroom reading I could hear them having fun, but I was content in my private world
Being an introvert, however, sometimes made it hard to connect with others I wanted to be like the outgoing kids who never seemed uncomfortable
When you’re shy, it’s easy to go unnoticed It ’s easy to get overshadowed by the big personalities who don’t hesitate to put themselves “out there ”
What I learned is that there is hope for quiet girls Yes, our world is made for extroverts, but with a little courage, an introvert can adapt
How? By coming out of your shell, pushing past your comfort zone, and pursuing passions that bring you alive
Because when you feel alive, you forget to be shy You get so caught up in the moment that new connections are quickly made
I used to believe that my introverted nature was a limitation, but now, I consider it an asset
It is introverts, after all, who tend to be deep thinkers, good listeners, and keen observers We notice when people are hurting We recognize life nuances We’re in tune with our thoughts and feelings and often succeed in creating art
So, if you’re quiet or shy, have faith in yourself Don’t discount your future or your ability to be brave God has blessed you with talents, and the more you use them, the more confident you’ll become
Think about what brings you alive Do your fingers tingle when you play piano? Does your body feel an adrenaline rush when you dance onstage? Do you love to study biology? Do you lose track of time in the lab?
Whatever you love most can help you overcome shyness It can make you just as brave as an extrovert
By sharing your gifts, you show people the real you You find encouragement to put yourself “out there” again
It’s okay to need time alone to recharge I t’s okay to be an observer T he key for quiet girls is to strike a healthy balance Our world needs you, and no matter how introverted you feel, God wants you to engage with others and share your gifts
Step One: Recognize Your Gifts
A lot of people believe they don’t have talent They see talent in others, but not themselves
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I don’t buy that for one second If you’re a child of God, then you have talent Yo u have gifts that your Maker instilled in you to help you glorify Him
You and I have different gifts, but it’s the same Spirit that distributes them We serve in different ways, but it’s the same God at work (1 Corinthians 12:4–6)
For some people, talent is very apparent We’ve all met or heard of prodigies whose abilities are off the charts T hey’re the Taylor Swifts of the world, the lightning in a bottle Fr om the moment they first strum a guitar, pick up a ball, or sketch a drawing, the signs of greatness are clear T heir future is promising
God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.
Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. All glory and power to him forever and ever! Amen.
(1 PETER 4:10–11 nlt )
Then there are the rest of us, the non-prodigies whose gifts can be less apparent We know what we like to do, but we’re not sure what we’re meant to do We face obstacles like having more passion than talent or not knowing where to start
Either way, we have to work harder than the prodigies We’ll never be in the same league if they work as hard as us
And frankly, that’s okay T here’s room to soar at every level in the sky Some people will fly higher Some will have fancier tricks Some will have better speed
You can spend your time being jealous—or pour your energy into becoming the best eagle you can be T he choice is yours
When pioneering your path, think about your greatest strengths Consider these questions:
• What do I do better than my friends? What is my best subject in school? Does my family delegate certain jobs to me? What skills come naturally?
• What do I see better than most people? What’s obvious to me that isn’t obvious to others? Can I read emotions? Do I have a knack for design? Can I watch a dance routine and quickly pick it up? Can I make art out of junk?
• What puts me in a “zone”? Do I create with my hands or my mind? Am I more creative or logical?
• What compliments do I hear? Is it feedback on my photography my w riting my party planning or my cake designs?
• What makes me lose track of time? What can I do all day and not get bored?
• What would I do if I wasn’t scared to fail? What’s my dream job?
• What’s my happy place? Where do I come alive? Am I happiest when I’m singing? Playing pickleball? Performing
in community theater? Walking in the woods? Playing with my puppy?
• On a scale of one to ten, how do I rank in these categories?
Emotional intelligence (ability to understand what I’m feeling)
Social intelligence (ability to read others and pick up on social cues)
Academic intelligence (school performance when I apply myself)
Body intelligence (motor skills and abilities)
Spiritual intelligence (understanding of God and eternity)
The word smart is a broad umbrella T here are many ways to be smart because intelligence takes many forms
While education is crucial for life success, not all talents can be measured in a classroom Not all talents come with a grade
So if you’re giving your all and still struggling in certain subjects, don’t sell yourself short Don’t assume you must be “dumb” because you can’t cut it somewhere You can and you will—just maybe not in calculus
Here’s a short list of the many ways to be smart:
• People smart
• Numbers smart
• Heart smart
• Food smart
• Technology smart
• Fashion smart
• Sports smart
• Bod y smart
• Music smart
• Animal smart
• Word smart
• Art smart
The list goes on
As you use your talents, God will give you more And when you don’t use your talents, you’ll lose them (Matthew 25:14–29)
It’s a waste to let your talents go unused It’s hard to be happy for others when you don’t live up to your potential
Identify your talents—and take action to develop them
Remember that going from “good” to “great” takes dedication and persistence
Step Two: Hone Your Gifts
Picasso didn’t become Picasso in a week T im Tebow didn’t become a football star in a year
Even if you’re a prodigy, you have to work hard You must stay committed when others give up
Focus on today Do what you love for an hour (playing guitar, writing poetry, testing recipes) and repeat the process tomorrow
After a few weeks, your practice will form a habit You’ll see progress that keeps you going
Confidence
There are no shortcuts to greatness Developing a talent means giving up what you want now, like watching YouTube videos for hours, for the life you want later If you enjoy the process, it won’t feel like a sacrifice You’ll keep the end goal in mind
“But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.”
(2
CHRONICLES 15:7)
Many people give up too soon They set high expectations and immediately quit when they fail
Give yourself room to make mistakes S ee failure as part of your story, not the end of your story Today is just one chapter in an ongoing plot
Practice pays off, and here’s an example of that: When I was a newlywed, I created a line of poem prints that I sold to local boutiques I also sold prints at holiday markets
At one show in Tennessee, there was an artist generating amazing buzz H er stationery was whimsical and eye-catching, and for days her booth stayed packed
By all accounts, she had “made it ” She had a large staff, and they’d just been to an Atlanta Gift Mart to take her work national This hometown hero was about to explode, and I was in on the secret
Back home in Alabama, I raved about this artist to the owner of a stationery store who carried my prints
“You have to carry her cards,” I insisted “ They’re the cutest cards ever!”
“You
are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”
(MATTHEW 5:14–16)
A funny look came over this store owner’s face A moment later, she slipped into her storage room
When she returned to the register, she was holding some note cards T hey were white with a simple animal design that a child could have drawn
“We carried that artist’s cards a few years ago,” she said, “and they didn’t sell ”
I couldn’t believe this was the same artist To say she had improved was an understatement! Her cards at the market were authentic and bold, yet these cards were very plain It had clearly required some trial and error for her to develop her signature style
Still, those early cards served a purpose T hey helped her accomplish a later look that hit a higher mark
The expert at anything was once a beginner A nd like you, they doubted themselves T hey wondered what business they had pretending to have talent
What if that Tennessee artist had quit? What if she never tried a new angle because her first cards didn’t sell?
Seeing how she reinvented herself was a powerful lesson for me I hope it stays with you too
You’ll never be as talented as you wish you were You’ll never have bulletproof confidence W hile you don’t want to share your work too soon, as it’s better to wait until you have that wow factor, you also don’t want to live in fear of taking a chance on yourself
Remember, you were born to fly A nd when you hide your talent, you miss out on God’s plan for you
Step Three: Take Off
The point of flying like an eagle isn’t to show off It’s to point others to God
So, if you feel reluctant to share your gifts, take yourself out of the equation Forget about your fears, worries, and doubts Stop imagining all the criticism
Instead, look up Focus on Him W hatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as if working for the Lord and not humans (Colossians 3:23)
What makes you different is what makes you great . So, when you question your design, remember it’s part of God’s plan Every detail about you feeds into a bigger vision
Like all the best people on this planet, you are an original You aren’t meant to be a clone Chart your own course, hold your head high, and be brave as you use your wings
Discussion Questions
1. Do you ever miss the l ittle girl you used to be, the one who didn’t care about other people’s opinions? How can you reconnect with her?
2. What one trait would you like to change about yourself? How might God use this trait for good?
3. Is it possible to discover God’s unique plan for you when your life is a replica of another girl’s life? Explain.
4. What talent or “smarts” do you possess that can’t be measured in school? How does this impact your confidence and self-perception?
5. Have you ever shared your talent—and failed? If so, did this motivate you to keep going or make you quit?
CHAPTER 3
Reputation
TRUTH #8:
Today’s choices set the stage for your reputation.
When you were born, your parents or guardians received the privilege of naming you
Chances are, they spent the first few weeks of your life staring into your beautiful eyes and repeating your name T hey may have wondered, “Did I choose the right name? Does my baby
look like a Margaret? Will her name match her personality as she grows up?”
With time, your name solidified It started to roll off people’s tongues with no hesitation
Today, you own your name It’s so intertwined with your identity that it’s hard to imagine a time when anyone doubted the fit
Whether you realize it or not, your name is important A s something you carry through life, it’s worth taking seriously
Every choice you make affects how your name resonates in people’s minds Over time, your peers form a collective opinion about your name based on your choices This gives birth to your reputation
What do people automatically think when your name comes up? What comes to mind in the first five seconds?
A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.
(PROVERBS 22:1)
Is it “Oh, she’s the best I w ant to be her when I grow up!” or “Did you hear what she did under the bleachers at the football game last week? She also mouthed off to a teacher and got suspended ”
If it’s the latter, you have a problem Your reputation is only as good as your worst choice, and left unchecked, poor choices can snowball and create damage that’s hard to recover from
You and your name will be joined at the hip forever By making a conscientious choice now to protect it, you can honor your name and save yourself some grief
A Good Reputation = A Series of Good Choices
If a girl makes an A on an English paper, does that make her a star student?
If a boy hits a home run, does that make him a stellar athlete?
Anybody can be successful every once in a while B ut what people who achieve greatness have in common is consistency A star student makes lots of A’s, not one A s tellar athlete makes multiple home runs, not one fluke hit
The same is true for your reputation It isn’t enough to make one good choice and then go back to following the wrong crowd The choices you make reveal your character They reflect the moral fiber—or lack of it—that exists inside you
A great reputation is built through commitment and selfdiscipline It grows as you make good choices consistently and let the Holy Spirit work in you
You know how a snowball starts small, but then it gains size and momentum as it rolls down a hill? Well, that is how your reputation works too
Over time, your little choices accumulate T hey keep growing and piling on top of each other until one day, you realize how real your reputation is
Then the question becomes: Are you proud of your reputation—or embarrassed to claim it?
What you should know is this: Today’s choices set the stage for
your reputation. Nobody becomes a “wild child,” a “troublemaker,” or a “delinquent” overnight.
It all starts with the baby steps and choices you make now So, when you experiment with that first toxic friend group that first alcoholic beverage that first vape that first boy, you open a gate that’s hard to close You start down a one-way street with no easy U-turn in sight
Experimentation can snowball and land you in the wrong crowd T his crowd may be super fun, but they aren’t friends who have your best interest in mind
And while it’s never too late to turn your life around, you can’t make people forget your mistakes W hatever choices you make, get ready to live with them
Sadly, one dumb decision can follow you for the rest of your life A s the saying goes, the internet is forever, and even if you take a post down, it leaves a digital footprint
Am I saying you have to be perfect—or that all hope is lost after one slipup? Absolutely not Nobody makes good choices all the time We’re all human, and yes, we all make mistakes
But when you stumble—or fall flat on your face—take your sin straight to God Pr ay for help to make better choices moving forward, because only by God’s grace can any of us stay on track (or get back on it)
The evil forces in your life are led by Satan’s attempt to separate you from God Satan is powerful, but he is no match for God T hrough Jesus you gain strength and protection You gain access to the armor of God that helps you fight or resist temptations that seek to interrupt His plan for you (Ephesians 6:10–18)
What if you already have a bad reputation? What if you’ve made so many poor choices that your peers can’t see you in a favorable light?
If this is your story, stay strong Remember that God’s grace is bigger than any mistake I t’s never too late to turn a new leaf, reinvent yourself, or write an incredible comeback story
Who you’re becoming today matters more than who you’ve been in the past, and through God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26) A relationship with Jesus brings spiritual transformation You become a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17)
Will restoring your name be easy? No W ill it take time? Yes Will some people hold your past choices against you even if you change? Probably so But that doesn’t matter because ultimately, God’s love for you—and unwavering belief in your potential—is what counts most
I met a lot of people in ministry who readily admit that they were renegades in their younger years They were lost and off the rails—and made terrible choices as a result
Once they found Jesus, however, they changed Today they’re successful and very effective at reaching others who are lost because that was once them T heir past serves a purpose G od can do that for anyone.
So, don’t ever give up on yourself or the Lord Let Him redeem your mistakes and restore your hope for the future
Even after a disaster, you can recover G od’s kindness when we least expect it leads us to repentance It turns us away from sin (Romans 2:4)
Whether your reputation is excellent or damaged, you need the
Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”
Lord It doesn’t matter how faithful you’ve been, because good people fall all the time
The moment you think you’re safe, immune to human fallibility, is the moment that your risk increases
QUICK QUIZ: Do You Notice Red Flags?
A guy you like has invited you to a concert You want to go, but since it’s out of town, you’re scared your dad will say no.
This guy advises you to tell your dad you’re spending the night at a friend’s house W ith a smile and his signature charm, he insists that it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission He also wants you to keep this date a secret because his ex-girlfriend thinks they’re still exclusive She’ll lose her mind if she finds out about you
(1 CORINTHIANS 15:33 esv) �
What do your gut instincts tell you?
A This guy is cool, fun, and adventurous His spontaneity will keep things exciting
B You can’t believe he chose you over his gorgeous ex! You don’t know what he sees in you, but it feels good
C You don’t trust him Despite his good looks and winning smile, he isn’t a nice guy
D Forget this! Dump this creep already so you can hang out with your friends
If you answered “C” or “D,” your instincts are spot-on A liar is a liar, and a guy who can’t respect your dad won’t respect you either
Asking you to keep the date a secret is another red flag A healthy relationship stays in the light; there’s no sneaking around or making up stories
Since you know that this guy lies, he’s probably still dating his girlfriend and just wants a fling with you If that doesn’t bother you, remember this: If he’ll do it for you, he’ll do it to you You’ll get what you have coming
Relationships with cheaters never go well Cut your losses early by not getting involved
The Trouble with Trouble Is It Always Starts Off Fun
You’ve probably been told to steer clear of bad influences
But has anyone ever mentioned how charming and fun the bad influences can be?
In most cases, they’re funny Quick-witted, physically attractive, and socially adept T hey share inside jokes and build exciting lives Being in their circle is like being in an exclusive club Only the elite receive an invitation
And here’s a caveat: Bad influences aren’t entirely bad T hey have good and redeeming qualities too—qualities that help you justify your relationship even when it’s not right
When you spend time with a group, you gravitate to their way of thinking You warm up to their ideas and may grow desensitized
to ideas that used to shock you A s your sense of “normal” gets altered, the old values you once held fly out the window Your morals get compromised
As a Michigan teacher shared in a viral post online, surrounding yourself with the right people is crucial during these formative years
If you hang out with four lazy kids, you’ll become the fifth
If you hang out with four rude kids, you’ll become the fifth
And if you hang out with four bullies, you’ll become the fifth
The reverse is also true
If you hang around four kind, hardworking, and respectful kids who stand up for others when they can’t stand up for themselves—you’ll become the fifth
Choose wisely—and know that who you spend the most time with now is a huge determining factor in becoming a great adult ¹
Also, if you believe you can hang with the wrong crowd and not have their influence rub off, you’re fooling yourself T he company you keep has a huge bearing on your choices
You won’t lift the bad influences up to higher standards; instead, they’ll drag you down to theirs A s the saying in addiction recovery programs goes, “If you hang around the barbershop long enough, you’re going to get a haircut ”
For better or for worse, your friends matter Besides your family, they’re the biggest influence on your life All it takes is one person, one seemingly harmless friend or boyfriend, to lead you astray
T he best time to get out of an unhealthy relationship is early, before you’re deeply invested Pay attention to red flags like bad vibes and feelings of unease, because that is how God speaks to you H e’ll offer warning signs that a relationship isn’t right, but He won’t chase you down It’s your choice whether you tune in Are your friends beneficial? Consider these questions:
• Where do your happy moments come from—good choices or bad choices? If you’re happy because the older girls on your team love you and praise you for getting wasted at last night’s party, then something is wrong Str aighten up your act and remember that not all applause is equal
• How do you feel the morning after a night of questionable choices? Do you feel good about your escapade with your friends or your boyfriend, or do you feel guilty/ashamed/ empty/alone? The truth that speaks the morning after, when your mind is still and quiet, is crucial to your journey
• Do your friends celebrate risky behavior (i e , stealing mascara from the drugstore or cheating on final exams)? Is their idea of right and wrong different from what your parents say? Any “friend” who likes you best when you rebel or act out isn’t a friend at all
• Do your friends admire your dreams? Do they have dreams too? Friends who lack ambition will make it hard to achieve your goals If you have to stay home and study, do they understand, or do they get mad that you bailed on them?
• Do you have deep conversations? Do you connect spiritually—or is every conversation superficial? If you
f ind yourself downplaying your faith, ignoring it, or feeling embarrassed, you’re with the wrong crowd A nyone who comes between you and God was not sent by God T hey don’t deserve a place in your most trusted circle
• Are your friends obsessed with parties? Do they like you when you’re fun—but bail when you’re struggling or sad? Is the focus always on the next big high? Real friends can be happy with those who are happy and mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15) T hey don’t desert you in your time of need
Let’s be clear: Your choices are your own Hanging around bad influences is a choice you make
While you’re more likely to stumble with the wrong crowd, you can’t blame them You reserve the right to say no You’re the one responsible for protecting your future
Your choices today affect your opportunities tomorrow With every vice comes a trade-off, and as my friend’s mother used to tell her, “A moment of pleasure, a lifetime of regret ” Even a brief period of getting off-track can create roadblocks later
When I was in college, I knew many people who went wild their first semester of freshman year They played hard and were the life of every party
But come December, when grades came out, they paid the price T heir grade point average (GPA) was so low they spent the rest of their college years struggling to raise it
That brief detour of partying cost some people their dreams My friend who dreamed of medical school studied intensely from then on
and never could pull up his GPA enough to qualify He became a dentist, and he’s happy, but he still regrets those reckless four months Does that sound worth it to you, no medical school in exchange for one semester of fun?
It’s hard to think like this in the moment, but you should After college graduation, you’ll face a highly competitive workplace You’ll be up against candidates more qualified than you To get a great job, you need every advantage you can get Don’t hurt yourself by making avoidable bad choices
Imagine where you’d like to be in five, ten, and fifteen years Write down your aspirations—and then work backward to ask yourself how today’s choices may impact your ability to get there
Do you hope to go to law school? Remember that when a friend encourages you to try drugs The state-regulated boards that certify and accept you will ask you questions about drug and alcohol use and convictions, DUIs, and other offenses I magine trying to explain why you thought it was okay to experiment with marijuana or drink and drive I magine having your future in the hands of a third party that decides you aren’t trustworthy to help and protect others because of earlier bad decisions
You’d be embarrassed and heartbroken, right? You’d wish that someone had told you to be smart up front
Let’s bring it closer to home now Do you hope to get into a sorority? Remember that before you act cruel—or get caught up in the hook-up culture
I’ve seen many beautiful girls get dropped from their favorite sororities because either a mean reputation or a promiscuous reputation preceded them Secrets have a way of coming to light,
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
(PHILIPPIANS 4:8)
and now that technology can document proof, screenshots and videos can circulate before a girl even graduates from high school
More importantly, today’s hook-up culture can present serious consequences like getting pregnant or acquiring a sexually transmitted disease (STD) Even with your first sexual encounter, these risks exist D espite what Hollywood movies suggest, sex before marriage isn’t glamorous or trivial It creates real burdens like emotional pain and physical risks that can undermine your dreams
All your choices matter, but your choices on Friday and Saturday night hold extra significance T hey set the stage for your life trajectory A sk God to guide you Choose good company that takes you in the right direction
Establish Positive Habits
Do you dream of the day when you’ll finally have freedom?
Are you eager for a life with no rules, no restrictions, and no nagging adults?
Reputation
When you leave home after high school, you’ll get the freedom you crave You’ll enter a world where you can do what you want, when you want, with whomever you please
You can eat pizza for breakfast and cake for lunch You can binge-watch your favorite shows and skip your classes You can take your monthly allowance from your parents and blow it in one day
There’s only one catch: Your choices will have consequences So, whatever you choose, make sure you can live with the outcome
Eat poorly and your body will pay the price
Skip class and your grades will suffer
Waste your parents’ money and you’ll lose trust, credibility, and spending privileges
Good choices are easier if you establish positive habits This requires self-control, discipline, and intentionality Being wise with choices today lays the groundwork for bigger choices tomorrow It helps you mature so you can handle more responsibility
As Luke 16:10 says, “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much ”
You can’t make negative choices and expect a positive life You can’t expect adults or peers to take you seriously if you’re always impulsive or prone to taking the path of least resistance
Remember: This is your life. Don’t waste it by putting your future on the line for fleeting thrills Don’t let other people persuade you against your will
Your chief asset right now is your name You don’t own a house yet You don’t have cars or worldly possessions If you decide you need a job, then your name is your selling point
So, when people hear your name, what comes to mind? Are they positive or negative associations? Is your name adding value to your life—or causing more harm than good?
Clearly, God can restore anything No mistake is too big (or too far gone) for Him to forgive
But restoring your name among people can be a different story And while you shouldn’t dwell on human opinions or chase human approval, you can’t ignore the talk or the digital footprint that a bad reputation can leave S ince it’s easier to keep a good name than to repair a bad one, think twice before making a choice that doesn’t feel right
God designed you to live intentionally H e is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him (Philippians 2:13) By making a habit of good choices now, you’ll live better, sleep better, and be better positioned to keep choosing well when the stakes of your decisions are high
Discussion Questions
1. What three words would your peers use to describe you? How would you describe yourself? Do your assessments align? Explain.
2. Have past choices hurt your reputation already? If so, how can you regain trust and credibility?
3. Where do you see yourself in ten years? Do your current choices support these dreams? Explain.
4. Have you ever gotten into trouble due to a bad influence? Have you negatively influenced someone else? If so, what did you learn?
5. When making choices, do you consider consequences? If so, how has this saved you? If not, how can you do this moving forward?
Interacting with Boys
TRUTH #7:
Chasing boys for validation isn’t the answer. Treat boys as potential friends, not potential boyfriends.
In my community, a woman named Donna Greene led Bible studies for girls for more than forty years
More than four thousand teenage girls participated in Donna’s ministry—and many girls became a Christian because of Donna’s teachings
Donna loved girls, and she stayed invested in their lives long after high school graduation She attended their weddings, met their newborn babies in the hospital, and showed up for special moments
At one wedding reception, Donna had an interesting encounter As she made her rounds in the ballroom, she looked up and suddenly realized that a circle of young men had surrounded her
They created a huddle, a seal so tight that she couldn’t escape if she wanted to
One young man spoke for the group “ We just wanted you to know that when we were in high school, we had an I-Hate-DonnaGreene Club ”
Donna looked at him very perplexed W hat on earth was he saying?
“We’d get together and talk about you,” he continued, “because all those girls of yours wouldn’t do anything with us ”
He didn’t qualify his statements, which left Donna more confused She had no idea where this conversation was headed or how she should reply
But as it turned out, a reply from Donna wasn’t necessary What played out next spoke for itself
Because in unison, these young men all held out their arms to Donna T hey asked to shake her hand
“T hank you, Donna,” the leader explained, “because these are the girls we’re marrying ”
Interacting with Boys
As you may know already, we live in a world that is fast and sexually charged
You’re part of a generation that competes for boys and gives them whatever they want to win their affection Waiting for guys to act first is old school; if you like what you see, you’re told to go for it
But seeking Mr Right by being overly forward—and lowering your standards because you don’t know your value—makes you Ms Wrong Guys may be dying to date Ms. Wrong, but they won’t be dying to marry her.
This chapter is one of the most important sections of this book Of all the forces that can lure you off track, nothing works faster than a misguided quest for love
You’ll hear a lot of conflicting advice on finding your heart’s desire, and my hope is to set the record straight I w ant to help you connect the dots between boys, dating, marriage, and sex
Do you ever wonder why the most trusted adults in your life promote abstinence and saving sex for marriage? Why would teenage boys who once had an “I-Hate-Donna-Greene Club” later change their tune and publicly thank this mentor of young girls for encouraging them to set personal standards and resist pressures fr om boys, friends, and the world at large?
The answers are coming, but up front you should know
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.
(PHILIPPIANS 2:3 nlt )
t hat your journey toward womanhood begins with one Man Only He can affirm your worth Only He can offer perfect love Only He can help you make choices that protect your heart and pave the way to healthy relationships
Who Is the Center of Your Universe?
Somewhere in science class, you learned about the solar system
You studied the planets, the sun, and how they relate
In many ways, your life is like a planet You were designed to revolve around a sun W ithout your sun, you can’t exist You lose your source of light, life, and gravity to stay in orbit
So, take a minute to consider: Who is your “sun”? Who is the center of your universe? Who sustains you and gives you a sense of purpose every day?
God designed you to revolve your life around Christ Only His Son can function as your sun You can put people or passions in that place, but eventually, they’ll fail you Your orbit will be rocked
Keeping Christ at the center of your life is hard As an imperfect human in a fallen world, you’ll constantly fight the urge to worship something else
It might be a good thing—like your friends, your achievements, your love for soccer, your job—or something destructive Either way, when anything other than Jesus becomes your sun, you have a false idol You’ve taken an earthly pleasure that can never satisfy your deepest needs and made it the center of your existence
Why is this relevant to boys? Because one common mistake girls
Interacting with Boys
make is putting boys at the center of their universe. Besides setting you up for disappointment, this puts unfair pressure on boys I t forces them into a role they were never meant to play, to be a girl’s end-all, be-all, everything
God created you to chase your dreams, not boys H e has equipped you to change the world through your talents, opportunities, and passions
As you discover your life purpose in Him, you find fulfillment before a boy ever enters the picture You become the kind of girl who lives with such joy and peace that the right guys take notice and think, “Wow She’s cool I w ant to know her better I w ant to be part of her world ”
Girls who obsess over boys—and boys who obsess over girls— have always existed But now, with technology, access to each other is unlimited You don’t have to wait for boys to make the first move; you can slide into their DMs You don’t have to wonder what they’re doing; you can simply text them or check their Stories
As a result, many girls smother boys with excessive attention, seeking romantic relationships that they hope will build their self-worth
What you should know is this: Chasing boys for validation isn’t the answer. It won’t satisfy your heart’s deepest desire. Above all things, boys are your brothers in Christ T he starting point for healthy relationships is to treat boys as potential friends, not potential boyfriends
As boy moms often tell me, guys don’t like it when girls constantly call them and text T hey lose interest when a girl is pushy or always checking in
T he world will tell you that it’s empowering to take charge and be aggressive, but I believe it hurts girls It can lead you to lower your standards and behave in ways that make you look bad and, ultimately, feel bad about yourself
God created you to guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23) A nd when you give your heart away freely to every boy who comes and goes, it damages your internal spirit It blinds you to your true worth
And, if you pursue a boy, it isn’t just him receiving your messages I t’s also his friends or family since he’s often with other people
Imagine all his buddies at baseball practice watching his phone rattle on the bench in the dugout A fter the third time, they gather around T hey quiz him and tease him Dude, what does she want? She’s hot for you, isn’t she? Seriously, does she ever leave you alone?
Imagine his family at a restaurant, enjoying a meal with frequent interruptions as his phone blows up Finally his little sister asks, “Why does she keep calling? Did somebody die?”
Am I telling you that it’s wrong to speak or interact with boys? Of course not T he best guys make amazing friends, and I’d never want you to miss out on that
In dating and marriage, friendship is essential It’s the glue that holds a couple together when times get hard or when the fireworks fade By learning now how to cultivate strong friendships with boys, you set the stage for healthy romances down the road You learn to act real, not fake, even when you have a crush
Mastering the art of friendship could be a real game changer
Interacting with Boys
once you’re able to date Many of history’s most fascinating love stories began as a friendship that slowly evolved into more
When you’re in the dating scene, it’s fine to initiate conversations, smile, make eye contact, and indicate enough interest to give a boy the courage to ask you out If he initiates a video chat, answer or call him back If he texts you, text him back
But don’t act desperate—or show more interest in him than he shows in you Don’t rebuild your life to revolve around a boy, even when you fall in love
Many grown women express great regret over dating too seriously as teenagers Rather than invest all their time and energy in a boyfriend, they wish they’d invested more time in themselves— and in building friendships with girls that would have outlasted their romances
A fr iend of mine says, “One night, I needed to study for a test, but I helped my boyfriend make posters for his SGA election instead Well, he won the election—and I got a C on my test!”
Again, you have gifts to change the world You aren’t meant to sacrifice all your dreams to help a boy achieve his
You may think that you’d never drop everything for a boyfriend, but at some point,
For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.
(COLOSSIANS 1:16)
you may be tested W hen the right boy comes along, you realize that you would follow him to the ends of the earth
Following your true love may work once you reach marrying age, but doing that now—in your teenage years, when your identity is still forming and needs that space to grow—isn’t the time Boys will come and go, but God is forever Before a romance begins, find your worth and your purpose in Him
Whoever He Is, He’s Not Worth It
When I was in the eighth grade, I had my first big crush We had pre-algebra together, and even though he didn’t pay attention to me, I was very self-conscious
I needed glasses to see the chalkboard, but letting my crush see my nerdiness was unthinkable So, rather than keep up in prealgebra, I fell behind M y grades slipped, and I needed a tutor A ll because I was embarrassed to wear glasses around “him ”
When I think about that dumb decision, I want to shake my thirteen-year-old self The fact that a good student would sacrifice grades for a boy who barely acknowledged her existence is compelling proof that (1) I was foolish and (2) love can blind us to logic
One day, you may also meet a boy who reduces your IQ You may fall under the spell of his crooked smile, dreamy eyes, sense of humor, or funny jokes
When you’re in class, you’ll daydream about him A nd when you walk the halls, you’ll look for his face in the crowd, hoping for a quick fix to get you through the day
Interacting with Boys
Welcome to the Land of Romance, my dear I hope you enjoy the stay
Falling for a new crush is intense You may think you’ll never fall so hard again But you will again and again you will New crushes may appear when you least expect them, and each one will cast a different spell
Sometimes your crush will like you back You’ll discover your feelings are mutual, and you’ll fall head over heels together
I won’t lie; this part is awesome It’s fun and thrilling to realize that a boy likes you as much as you like him—maybe even more
The bliss of being together makes it hard to be apart A s your romance blooms, the rest of your life feels small and insignificant in comparison You may want to postpone your plans so that you and your new love can carve out more time together
But please don’t bury your ambitions—or treat your boyfriend like a husband T he odds of marrying your high school sweetheart (or middle school sweetheart) are extremely slim, and even if you do, you do yourself a disservice by neglecting your potential
In healthy relationships, both people grow You inspire the best version of each other You learn about yourself
This matters because right now, you’re figuring out your place in the world You’re reflecting on who you are and who you hope to be You’re taking aptitude tests and thinking about your future career—and where your talents can really shine
Some girls are very career minded O ther girls are not Some of you may be thinking, But I don’t dream of having a big career. I have no desire to be a boss babe. I just want to get married and stay home to raise babies.
If family is your highest aspiration, I get it, because that was my biggest aspiration too It’s still my greatest dream, because nothing brings me as much joy and fulfillment as my family Even with four kids, I sometimes wish I had more!
But even if that’s true for you too, know how to earn a living You don’t know what the future holds
What if you don’t meet your husband until you’re thirty? Who pays your bills until then?
What if you marry out of college, but ten years later, your husband gets sick, and your family needs you to bring home a paycheck?
I know many stay-at-home moms who had to start working again after losing a husband to death or a divorce they didn’t want Seeing these heartaches unfold reinforced my goal to help my daughters find careers that pay the bills
I worked for four years before getting married I somehow landed my dream job out of college, and I knew I’d have to quit one day to move and be with Harry
He w as worth that sacrifice of course, yet I’m still thankful for that season where I learned to support myself I know that I could get a job again if my family needed it
Just as importantly, working also taught me the value of a dollar It forced me to live on a budget I needed this skill—and you do too It could save your future marriage
Sadly, I hear many stories today of young couples getting divorced early because the wife’s spending is out of control and her husband can’t keep up T his often happens when a girl’s father has always taken care of her (and spoiled her) and she never learned to support herself
Interacting with Boys
M oney takes on new meaning when you work It’s easy to be frivolous with someone else’s income, but having skin in the game (at least temporarily) makes you a better steward of money I don’t know a single husband who doesn’t want that!
The moral of the story is, no boy is meant to be your bank, your savior, or your knight in shining armor Even when a romance gets serious, you need space to develop your passions and friendships Your boyfriend does too
A healthy romance will draw you closer to God—and the people who love you most, like your family and friends It won’t do these things:
• Isolate you from everyone but him
• Cause your grades to slip because you’re always out on the town, skipping class, or failing to study
• Fill you with insecurity, confusion, and self-doubt
• Keep you on an emotional roller coaster
Relationships happen for a reason, a season, or a lifetime A nd since most romances don’t last forever, it helps to consider how you’ll feel after a breakup W hat will you think of your ex?
• Will you resent the time that you poured into your boyfriend—or be thankful he made you a better person?
• Will you regret getting sidetracked from your goals—or say that he encouraged you like you encouraged him?
• Will the breakup feel like the end of the world—or will it end amicably, leaving the door open for a future friendship?
• Will you regret that your relationship grew sexual—or be thankful that you held back in moments of temptation, saving that gift for the right person?
Whoever he is, he isn’t worth sacrificing your dreams or lowering your standards He isn’t worth losing yourself as you support him
Don’t sell yourself short by believing that your greatest contribution in this world is to keep a boy happy God’s plan for you aims higher than that
A boy may be part of your plan, but he’ll never be The Plan He’ll never be the star attraction of your life
The purpose of marriage is to help each other get to heaven T he goal is to develop Christlike character—and help each other experience the healing and transformational power of God’s love
Dating sets the stage for this So, as you evaluate boys, prioritize character and integrity N otice who has a heart like God
Consider this wisdom from Dr T im Keller:
Screen first for friendship Look for someone who understands you better than you do yourself, who makes you a better person just by being around them A nd then explore whether that friendship could become a romance and a marriage ²
Today’s dating scene is all about explosive starts and intense passion Anything less falls short of Hollywood standards The best romances, however, begin with a slow burn Let your romantic connections grow gradually over time Focus first on friendship
There Are Girls Boys Date and Girls Boys Marry
What a boy wants at age sixteen is different from what he’ll want at twenty-six or thirty The same is true for you
At sixteen, most boys aren’t looking for everlasting love They’re not thinking about soul mates Even if they entertain notions of marriage, marriage isn’t the big topic on their mind W hat is? Well, let me shoot it to you straight:
Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.
(PROVERBS 13:20 esv )
Sex.
Sex, sex, sex. That is what many teenage boys think about, even if it is the last thing on your mind It is what many boys talk about too, which is why anything you do as you date won’t be kept confidential
A boy may be trustworthy while you’re together, but once you break up, all bets are off I’m not condoning this behavior, but I want you to know it happens.
The boy you thought was a steel vault may become an open book as he shares your intimate secrets with friends
You know how hard it is for girls not to gossip, how it just
happens when you’re together? Well, pull some guys together, and their lips can get loose too
Besides talking about sex, many guys trade information on girls T hey share whatever scoop they have, including who will or won’t sleep around Discussing physical interactions is a frequent conversation Many boys try to prove their manhood by bragging about who can’t resist them
It’s immature and rude to behave this way, but again, I want you to know it happens Remember this as you make dating decisions
In the locker room, stories tend to get embellished Gu ys often one-up each other to enhance their image A s one father told his teenage daughter, “Whatever you really do, it will get exaggerated in the locker room So if you kiss him, he’ll tell everyone you went to second base ”
Consider yourself warned, my friend
Am I saying all boys are jerks? That you might as well write them all off now? No Many boys get angry when guys act like this They respect girls, and it’s clear already that they’ll make amazing husbands and fathers one day They love the Lord, and they’re trying to save sex for marriage, even if their friends are not
But like teenage girls, teenage boys still have a lot of growing up to do God is working on them like He’s working on you
Many boys (but not all) will make great progress in the next ten to fifteen years They’ll mature and become good men with stable jobs and a desire to provide for others, including their wife and children
But as teenagers, most boys are focused on having a good time T hey wrestle with sexual thoughts that would make your cheeks blaze with embarrassment
Interacting with Boys
Even “nice guys” battle with their sex drive They’ve been raised to respect women T hey know it’s their duty to avoid temptation
Yet when they’re attracted to a girl, they want to act on their desires, not suppress them
Unfortunately, today’s hook-up culture offers ample opportunities to fuel these desires It celebrates promiscuity, meaningless sex, and using each other for self-gratification
Many girls use sex to bond or get closer They mistakenly hope that it will translate into deeper love or a chance at a real relationship Yet rather than feeling fulfilled, they end up feeling empty or used It doesn’t live up to its promise
This isn’t about one gender corrupting the other; it’s about both genders corrupting each other Failing to see each other as brothers and sisters in Christ—and then wondering why it’s so hard to find lasting love
God didn’t create sex to be used this way He didn’t create it for teenagers who fall in love and plan to get married one day either God created sex for marriage, and when shared between a husband and wife, it’s wonderful and holy It’s a glue that bonds a couple It allows us to procreate and fill the earth with beautiful babies, just as God commanded (Genesis 1:28)
But taken out of its proper context, sex creates problems
Without the marriage commitment, that promise before God, it will make you clingy and more insecure
You’ll also get emotionally attached, even if you agree to no strings attached, because sex creates a soul tie It glues you to the wrong person, and no amount of willpower can keep your heart detached W hat you do with your body affects your heart and soul too
So, what am I suggesting? I’m suggesting you remember the Donna Greene story Set personal standards for yourself, and don’t worry if some guys get angry Don’t worry if some girls tease you and call you a baby Don’t worry if some people think that your values are archaic
With time, boys and girls mature M any will acquire a more responsible mindset toward sex—and the opposite sex T he guys worth having in your life will become men who you could follow to the ends of the earth because their love for you is as genuine and selfless as your love for them
They’ll still have a sex drive T hey’ll still consider physical attraction very important T hey’ll still want a girl who is fun and makes them happy But also factoring into their dating choices will be considerations like these:
• Could I marry this girl? Do I want to grow old together?
• Can I imagine her as the mother of my children? Is she the role model I want for my daughters and sons?
• Does she make me better? Am I happiest with her?
• Do we connect spiritually? Does our soul connection deepen our physical connection? Does she draw me closer to God?
• What do my friends and family think? What is Mom’s verdict?
• Will she be an asset to my career? Will I be proud to introduce her to my boss?
• Do our dreams align? Could we build a great life together?
• Do I love her more than anyone on earth?
• If she gets away, will I regret it forever?
Interacting with Boys
Come marrying time, the guys worth having set high standards Someone who got overlooked in high school may suddenly look like an ideal mate
Guys may date the fun girl, but they want to marry the package—someone who is fun, smart, pretty, kind, real, confident, and overall amazing T hey want a wife they respect
Likewise, you should have high expectations for your spouse too Choose a man who holds himself to the same standards as you
Don’t worry if boys aren’t beating down your door or begging you for dates Consider it a blessing if you don’t get dates—or if your boyfriend breaks up with you—because you won’t have sex That’s a sign you’re living right You’re weeding out the boys who lack character
St ay true to your values, and don’t settle when deciding who may be a good match
Remember: You Are God’s Treasure
We covered a lot of ground regarding boys, dating, marriage, and sex H ere are some final thoughts:
1. Chasing boys may capture their attention, but it won’t capture their heart.
God wired boys to take the lead because it cultivates them into young men It prepares them for their future roles as husbands, providers, and leaders of the home
You aren’t doing boys a favor by taking the risk of rejection off them; you’re depriving them of an experience that helps them grow up and mature
If a guy is attracted to you, he’ll reach out You can’t force chemistry, and you won’t “grow” on anyone by being pushy T he opposite is also true Even the most persistent boy can’t force you to like him Maybe you know this firsthand!
The way a relationship begins sets the tone for that relationship So, if you start in role reversal, catching your heart’s desire by chasing him, expect to continue taking the lead
A boyfriend who had to be hunted down is very unlikely to plan dates, make efforts, or initiate contact Rather than be smitten, he’ll probably be passive and lukewarm in his feelings toward you
Girls complain about boys being lazy daters, but these days, they can be lazy Why ask girls out when girls will ask them? Why make dinner reservations when your girlfriend agrees to meet up with friends and call it a “date”?
If a boy wants time with you, let him work a little Set reasonable standards
For a date, have him pick you up and meet your parents If he waits until Friday afternoon to ask you out for Friday night, keep your plans with friends and suggest that he plan ahead next time
A guy worth having will rise to the challenge H e’ll want to improve his odds with you
Remember: You are God’s treasure T he right guy won’t need to be chased Give it time, and he’ll pursue you
2. Nonsexual relationships allow you to stay friendly with your exes. You never know who will reenter your life.
A friend of ours lives in the same community with two exgirlfriends They all have children the same age, so their paths cross a lot
Interacting with Boys
He’s still good friends with one ex-girlfriend because their relationship was short and innocent His son and her daughter are close friends, and their families hang out together
But with his second ex-girlfriend, he can’t interact like that because their relationship was heavy and sexual T hey were best friends before they dated, so when they broke up, he lost his best friend
While everyone is happily married now, the awkwardness remains T here’s no going back once you cross physical lines, because memories linger even twenty years later W hoever you date, imagine reconnecting with your future families Let that vision shape your interactions today
3. Dating is about selectivity, not settling.
The purpose of dating is to find the one person you’re meant to marry
Selectivity is key as you (and the boys you date) discover what you do and don’t like Dating helps you see who shares your values and goals
With some boys, you’ll know immediately if you’re compatible There may be one date—and that’s it With other boys, you’ll want to dig deeper You may date for a few months to explore the potential
Over time, you’ll uncover hidden qualities You may decide, “I love how he’s a gentleman I want that in a husband” or “I like affection, and he won’t even hold my hand in public M y husband has to hold my hand ”
Through dating and friendships with boys, you learn what appeals to you You build a radar for integrity This clarifies what you’re looking for It helps you recognize a good catch when you see it
4. You won’t regret abstinence.
If marriage is part of God’s plan for you, then your future husband is out there
He may be three minutes away or three thousand miles away, going about life like you
One day, as you meet, get serious, and talk about marriage, you’ll both share intimate details about your past He’ll give you his breakdown, and you’ll do the same
This could be a hard conversation There could be pain or tears as confessions about old flames and flings get laid on the table for you both to come to terms with
These conversations are difficult—yet necessary A marriage deserves full honesty, and nobody wants to hear about their spouse’s past from a third party Keeping secrets creates feelings of betrayal and mistrust when the truth comes to light
The choices you make with boys are not carried to your grave; they’re carried into your marriage And when the time comes for your conversation, I want you to feel proud I w ant you to tell your future husband that he was worth the wait
Any boy you date right now is unlikely to be your spouse Instead, they’ll lead you to your spouse, and you’ll lead them to theirs
Your best dating approach is to treat a boy as you hope some girl is treating your future husband—as his guardian, not his lover By setting physical boundaries, you can grow closer than you ever could having sex
While love says, “I can wait,” lust says, “I have to have it now ” Tr ue love desires what is best for a person long-term It puts wellbeing over self-gratification
Interacting with Boys
If you’ve had sex already, know that today is a great day for change A sk God to forgive you and help you choose a new path His mercies are new each morning (Lamentations 3:23 nlt), and your mistakes don’t define you So, don’t buy into the lie that you’re too broken or damaged to deserve a great life We all fall short of God’s glory (Romans 3:23), yet He loves us anyway H e restores us and makes us new
Be patient as you wait to meet a special guy H e may not be ready for you You may not be ready for him Only time and maturity can bring you both to a place where you’re ready for a lifelong love
In the meantime, have fun D evelop strong friendships with boys who make you laugh, feel good about yourself, and love God better
Above all, remember: You are worth the wait You are a great catch You have a lot to offer to any boy smart enough to notice
In matters of the heart, patience pays off Learn to love your life regardless of what your love life brings—and whatever happens, keep God at the center
Discussion Questions
1. Have you ever put a d ream on hold for a boy? Have you ever made a sacrifice that hurt you?
2. Do g irls at your school chase boys? Do you see a difference between relationships led by boys versus those led by girls?
3. Do you agree or disagree with treating boys as potential friends, not potential boyfriends? Explain.
4. Why do guys make good friends? What can they offer that girlfriends can’t? What do you like about the opposite sex? What do you dislike?
5. How might teen culture change if everyone treated each other as brothers and sisters in Christ? If a boy protected you by holding back on his sexual urges, would you consider him backward or trustworthy? Would it weaken your relationship or strengthen it?
CHAPTER 5
Self-Worship
TRUTH #6:
You weren’t made to worship yourself.
Iknew I was overreacting, but I couldn’t stop T he sight of my father triggered a meltdown I was in college and taking two courses in summer school For most students, summer school was an excuse to stay on campus and play You signed up for easy classes, because who wants to study during summer?
The history class I selected sounded easy, but in reality, it was a nightmare T he teacher was arrogant and prided himself on rarely giving A’s
Being a straight-A student, I thought I’d be an exception I sacrificed many summer nights with my friends to stay home and study
After all, my GPA was my god I worshiped it, basing my identity on my grades and best accomplishments
My bank account was low, so my dad agreed to meet me at the gym where he played racquetball to give me money
Unbeknownst to him, I’d just received bad news from my professor I didn’t plan to share it because I was upset
As soon as my father saw me, his face lit up H e hugged me, kissed my forehead, and said that he’d missed me since I’d been living on campus (fifteen minutes from home)
As he pulled out his wallet, something inside me broke My defenses weakened, my walls came down, and my emotions unleashed
The tears I’d held back since leaving class that day came out in a rush
“Honey, what’s the matter?” my father asked as I fell apart in his arms
For a minute, I couldn’t breathe I couldn’t think or speak or look at him T he weight of disappointment in my chest was heavy
After all that I’d sacrificed to do well in this class, I was crushed
My father held me as I cried Even in my hysteria, I felt bad about the scenarios probably going through his mind as he wondered why his twenty-year-old daughter was so distraught
Self-Worship
To his credit, he didn’t look scared He didn’t dread what I might say No matter what, I felt secure in his arms, and that gave me the courage to explain my tears
In between choking sobs, I told him, “I got a B on my history test!”
I spit out the word B as if it were acid To me, it was M y history grade rode on two tests, and unless I made a perfect score the next time, I wouldn’t get an A
My father hugged me tighter He repeated what he always said in these situations: “If you tried your hardest, there’s nothing you could have done differently A ll you can give is your best and ask God to take it from there Leave the outcome to Him ”
My father knew I was tough on myself, and his solution was always love and grace M y mother responded the same way T hey never pushed me to do more or achieve more because I didn’t need that I would have cracked if they added more pressure
And while I laugh at this story now—especially the absurdity of treating a B like a fatality—it also saddens me What my breakdown symbolized was my out-of-whack priorities
In short, I idolized my résumé I used my gifts to glorify me, not God I w as building myself up—stacking up accomplishments like stones—and when one of those stones fell, the entire structure crumbled
So, how does this relate to you? Well, from what I’ve seen, I’ve learned that many teenage girls wrestle with the same idol as me: perfectionism.
Especially at your age, many girls aim to be the perfect girl, and at times we can fool ourselves into believing that we come close
But perfectionism is really self-worship It focuses attention on me I look back now and wonder what special encounters and experiences with God I missed because I was so self-focused
What conversations did I not have—and what lessons did I not learn—because I lived in a state of striving, hustling, hurrying, and always chasing the next big prize?
In some way, we’re all guilty of self-worship We’ve all created a false idol of something that matters deeply to us
The first and most important commandment from God is Exodus 20:2–3: “I am the Lord your God You shall have no other gods before me ”
Self-worship doesn’t always look like a girl in a tiara strutting around like she is God’s gift to mankind No, most often, selfworship plays out quietly in our hearts
Take it from a girl who’s been there: Self-worship is a waste of time It distracts you from God and His presence Only when Jesus sits on the pedestal of our heart can we enjoy the rich overflow of a calm and rightly ordered life
Your Life Is Not About You
The most common emails I get as a writer for teenage girls always relate to pain in friendships
Fr iendship should be a source of comfort, but for many girls today, friendship has become a major source of stress
What I finally realized—after a decade of doing this work—is that the root issue of most friendship struggles is self-centeredness
Self-Worship
In short, we live in a narcissistic society We spend hours thinking about how other people see, treat, and perceive us—yet we don’t take five minutes to consider how we see, treat, and perceive others
Every girl wants good friends M ost girls put great effort into finding good friends But very few girls put that same effort into being a good friend too
This lack of reciprocation is the biggest disconnect I see today It’s why so many girls today feel invisible, unappreciated, and forgotten, even within their friend circle
They are surrounded—yet alone W hen everyone looks out for number one, nobody ends up happy
The best relationships always consist of two givers But when even one person is a taker, that relationship will never feel very deep or satisfying
Sadly, social media doesn’t help us with our tendency to be self-focused In fact, it makes us more egocentric as we seek praise, attention, or validation online
Thanks to the internet, we can find instant applause and sometimes fame J ust one viral post can put you on the map Just one viral video can make you an overnight sensation
“He must become greater; I must become less.”
(JOHN 3:30)
Isn’t that enticing? Deep down, wouldn’t most of us like to be celebrities? If you’re like many teenage girls, you may dream of catching a big break online, becoming an “influencer” or being discovered as a singer, dancer,
actress, model, fashion designer, podcaster, entrepreneur, and so on Maybe you don’t care what you get famous for as long as you’re famous
But let’s consider how God views our self-promotion What does He think about us building identities online—not through Christ?
Does God love you more if you attract a million followers? Does He approve of how mean people can be online because “rage bait” (the 2025 Word of the Year) attracts attention and boosts engagement?
You know the answers You know it’s a slippery slope to base your self-esteem on the acceptance—or rejection—of other people
After all, people can be very fickle People can love you one minute and criticize you the next Yet even so, you and I both listen to what others say W hile their praise can go straight to our head, their criticism can go straight to our heart
Aren’t you tired of that emotional roller coaster? Wouldn’t you like to feel good about yourself consistently? Wouldn’t you love a healthy self-image that isn’t volatile and overly sensitive to public opinion?
What you should know is this: You weren’t made to worship yourself. You weren’t made to base your identity on the fleeting opinions of people (or your opinion of yourself)
God designed you to find your identity in Christ. And through that relationship, you discover God You receive extravagant love, grace, and acceptance Even on your worst days, God loves you at full capacity Nothing changes His love for you
Isn’t that refreshing? Aren’t you relieved to know that the Father who knows you best—with all your flaws and sinfulness— also loves you best? For Him to be so taken with you, you must be special
Since God is truth, He sees the truth about you Learn to see yourself through His eyes by understanding these three things:
1 The difference between self-love and self-worship
2 The need for gratitude and humility
3 Your place in the universe
Self-Love Versus Self-Worship
Self-love is derived from God It is kind, gentle, and forgiving You see yourself first as a child of God, holding up a mirror to the Holy Spirit inside you Since God’s strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9), your imperfections are seen as opportunities for His grace to shine
Self-love focuses on your inherent worth It understands how the negative, critical voice in your head isn’t the voice of God; it’s the voice of Satan W hen you love yourself, you find value in WHOSE you are, not WHO you are
Self-worship is derived from the world It masquerades as selflove through thoughts like these:
I’m fabulous
People love me and envy my life
I deserve the best; I’m destined for greatness
God will make my wildest dreams come true
Self-worship makes you singularly focused O ther girls become competition and threats Yo u hide your inadequacies because you’re ashamed to admit them You believe if people knew your vulnerabilities, they’d exploit them or quit worshiping you
With self-worship, failure is unacceptable You’re happy when your life is great— and miserable when it’s not O n your best days, you love yourself B ut on your worst days, you want to disappear
Our culture of “girl power” and “boss babe” makes it easy to confuse self-love and self-worship Bot h encourage you to be brave, bold, and confident Both tell you to dream big and aim high because you’re stronger and more capable than you think
But the key difference is who gets credit A re your achievements yours alone, or is God working through you? How big of a role do you think He plays?
To find out where you fall on the self-love/self-worship scale, reflect on these questions:
• Do you put your faith in yourself or God ?
• Are you trying to please the world or God ?
• Do you believe your talents to be naturally there or God-given?
• When you find inner strength, are you tapping into yourself or the Holy Spirit?
• Does your life glorify you or the Lord ?
Self-Worship
• Are your life blessings earned by good deeds, or are they undeserved gifts from above?
The fact is, you and I are helpless without God O nly by His grace can we function
Even basic abilities—like walking, seeing, hearing—are daily miracles that God has allowed in our lives Tomorrow we could wake up without these gifts There is no guarantee
Understanding this makes you grateful It helps you appreciate the Lord’s hand in your life Ad mitting dependency doesn’t show weakness; it shows growth It means you “get it ”
“In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”
Every good thing in life comes from God— doors that open at the perfect time, people who help when trouble hits, opportunities that suddenly appear Nothing is an accident, and even in terrible circumstances, there are blessings O pening your heart to this truth makes those blessings more evident
(MATTHEW 5:16)
How you use your gifts is a choice Are you building a personal empire or building God’s kingdom? When you use your gifts for Him, your job becomes a ministry You fulfill your call to serve
It’s impossible to be selfish and truly happy It’s hard to see God when you’re consumed by self-worship Whether you realize it or not, you and God are a team Without Him, you’re completely incapable
Gratitude + Humility: Keep Yourself in Check
Remember what I said about letting the praise of others go to your head and the criticism go to your heart?
Well, let me confess: I am guilty I s truggle with this Even though I know better, I often put too much weight in the world’s opinion and too little in God’s
On one end, I beat myself up I dwell on my mistakes and the people I’ve let down even after I ask for forgiveness I listen to the critic in my head (Satan’s voice) and get so down that I can’t see my own good When I’m in self-destruction mode, I pray hard Only God can help me break free
On the other end, I get big-headed I c an let a compliment or triumph inflate my ego and fill my head with thoughts of me. When I’m in self-worship mode, I forget about serving I lose sight of the world at large because my attention is singularly focused inward
Two things can ground me: gratitude and humility When these virtues fill my heart, I grow resilient to swinging emotions
Gr atitude isn’t just for Thanksgiving; it’s a habit we’re called to practice year-round There is always a reason to praise God There is always a silver lining to sustain hope
Think outside the box when expressing thankfulness Turn negatives into positives by replacing feelings with truth Use God’s promises, as shown below, and write them on sticky notes you post on your mirror when you need quick reminders of truth:
Self-Worship
• I may not like my reflection today, but I’ll praise God because I’m fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
• I may be sad that my friends have boyfriends and I don’t, but I will praise God because He has promised hidden treasures in the darkness (Isaiah 45:3), and I can use this time to seek Him
• I may think I’m unlovable because I made a huge mistake, but nothing can separate me from God’s love that is in His Son Jesus (Romans 8:39)
• I may hate cleaning the bathroom, but I’ll do it with all my heart, as if I’m working for God, not man (Colossians 3:23)
• I may be scared to stand up for my friend who’s the subject of the rumor mill, but I’ll shut down the gossip because there is no greater love than laying down your life for your friend (John 15:13)
• I may be hurt and embarrassed by the lies being spread about me, but I will trust that what man means for evil, God can use for good (Genesis 50:20)
• I may be mad at God because my father’s been diagnosed with terminal cancer, but I’ll trust Him with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5–6)
• I may be miserable in this rough patch, but I’ll still seek joy because the testing of my faith develops perseverance, and perseverance helps me mature into the image of Christ (James 1:2–4)
Gratitude depends on humility Humility is the awareness that you’re no better and no worse than anyone else It prevents you from
being overly affected by good or bad feedback When you’re humble, you stay off the emotional roller coaster and live by these basic truths:
• “I am God’s masterpiece and beloved daughter ”
• “H e loves me always ”
• “Even if I lose everything, I lose nothing because I still have eternal life through Christ ”
• “A ny pain I face is temporary, and it can’t compare to the joy of heaven T he best is yet to come ”
The opposite of humility is pride And of all the evils, pride is the most detrimental because it blinds you to God’s will and undermines every virtue
Humility draws you into God’s will It doesn’t make you meek or cowardly; it makes you strong and fearless It empowers you to accomplish what you were born to do
The Creator of our universe controls our universe W hatever light you shine, use it to point people to Him
Your Place in the Universe
There’s a popular phrase I often see on journals for girls:
It’s All About Me
I love journals, and I’m all for products that celebrate girls and encourage self-reflection But the phrase It’s All About Me can be very misleading
Self-Worship
Yes, your life matters Your life is extremely important But life is not all about you (or me) None of us are meant to be the center of this universe
And if you write about yourself for three hundred pages, focusing only on your feelings, your thoughts, and your life well, it tends to lead to self-centered thinking It can hurt your relationships
Maybe a better journal would be: Getting Over Myself. You’d still write about your strengths, weaknesses, passions, and fears, but for the purpose of serving God better
In Getting Over Myself, you’d focus on the big picture You’d joyfully admit your smallness in God’s master plan and reflect on finding your relevance in His great creation
Discovering yourself this way for three hundred pages would help you think beyond yourself And that, surprisingly, cultivates joy
“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
(PHILIPPIANS 4:11–13)
What’s the Root of Your Self-Worth?
We all have strengths that make us feel good, strong points we’re known for among family and friends
These strengths, even the positive ones, can become a god Whatever distinguishes you from the crowd is easy to obsess over when it boosts your self-esteem You may turn to it for reassurance when you doubt yourself or need to feel better
So, I ask you: What fuels your confidence? What external factors or strengths define your identify? If you lost them tomorrow, could you handle it?
External factors may include:
• Your appearance (always looking good, wearing the latest fashions, outshining other girls)
• Your performance (excelling in school, sports, the arts, etc )
• Your relationships (dating popular boys, having the right friends)
• Your profile (having a large following and lots of online engagement)
• Your lifestyle (a lavish upbringing and parents who spoil you)
• Your accomplishments (titles, trophies, public recognition)
Recognizing the root of your self-worth is crucial God wants you to make Jesus the root, to find your identity in Him and value yourself because you are God’s child That makes you special Nothing you do or achieve can add more value
Our world, however, speaks differently O ur world measures your worth based on your external scorecard You’re encouraged to be self-focused and make minigods of your looks, grades, relationships, fashion, accomplishments, and so on
Living this way comes with a price, however It sets you up for despair and breakdowns when your false gods fail you
Eventually, they all do
Overnight your boyfriend can dump you Your friends can disappear Your dad can lose his job, wiping out your lavish lifestyle
Your body can be scarred in an accident, and the new exchange student from Spain can replace you as the school bombshell
Even your talents can let you down You may lose the championship for your volleyball team or wake up tomorrow without your gifts Only by God’s daily grace do you have them in the first place
But if your confidence is rooted in Jesus, nothing will break you Your external world can collapse and you’ll still be standing By putting your faith in Him, you can live fearlessly Earthly trappings will hold no power over you
Once you have that confidence, God can use you to move mountains
The Name Above All Names
You can achieve your wildest dreams, but if you fail to love others, you’ve failed at life
Love looks at the needs around you It leads you to treat people
well, not to win popularity contests, but to reveal God’s goodness to a hurting world
Love doesn’t keep score or expect payback It doesn’t operate with hidden agendas Since you may use someone without realizing it, consider the motive behind your actions
Ask yourself, “Why am I helping this person? Am I doing it to show love—or to get on their good side so they’ll owe me a favor?”
We always assume our motives are good, so pray for clarity Pray to see the true state of your heart Loving with a pure heart (and no strings attached) lets you properly serve God
By nature, we’re all selfish We have self-preservation instincts and a tendency to veer toward selfish ambitions T his lifestyle, however, makes us use people and end up feeling alone We fail to build the community we crave
The community that feeds our soul
The solution is Jesus H e helps us look beyond ourselves and avoid self-worship Only with Him on the pedestal of our heart can we live a rightly ordered life
Philippians 2:9–11 (nlt) says, “Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor and gave him the name above all other names, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father ”
When you feel self-important, remember the name above all names He will save you from yourself, deepen your relationships, and help you make an eternal difference that outlasts your time on earth
Discussion Questions
1. Do you ever struggle w ith perfectionism? Do you see how it can lead to self-worship? Explain.
2. Do you let the praise of people go to your head—and the criticism go to your heart? If so, how can you get off that emotional roller coaster?
3. Are you more prone to be grateful or to complain? When you face a problem, can you see (or sense) a silver lining?
4. Imagine waking up tomorrow with nothing: no friends, no family, no home, no material possessions. Could you find joy in the one thing nobody can take away from you, Jesus Christ?
5. Do you ever show kindness so others will owe you? How does God see secret motives? Why do they prevent you from loving others well?
Perseverance
TRUTH #5:
People peak at different times in life. Trust God’s plan for you.
Ionce saw a video of a man who discovered a cocoon and watched for hours as a butterfly struggled to fit through the cocoon’s tiny hole
When the butterfly stopped making progress, the man decided to help Using scissors, he snipped away the cocoon and set the butterfly free
The butterfly emerged easily, but its body was swollen I ts wings were small and shriveled T he man kept watching, expecting the wings to enlarge and support the butterfly’s body, but that never happened
Instead, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling on the ground, never realizing its full potential
What the man didn’t realize was that the butterfly needed a longer struggle to strengthen its wings
Both the tight cocoon— and the work required to push through the tiny opening—were God’s way of forcing fluid from its body to get the butterfly’s wings ready for flight
By “helping” the butterfly, the man actually harmed it. He opened the cocoon too early, depriving the butterfly of the opportunity to develop skills that it would need to later survive
Like a butterfly before metamorphosis, do you ever wish your life was easier? Have you ever felt stuck inside your own cocoon? Do you ever wonder if God has deserted you by allowing pain and suffering?
“And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.”
(ROMANS 5:4)
If someone offered you a shortcut out of your cocoon, a quick and easy escape, would you take it even if it fundamentally changed who you are forever?
In terms of freedom, are you so ready to feel the wind beneath your wings that you can barely stand it sometimes?
Perseverance
If you answered yes, then you are normal Because the truth is, nobody enjoys a struggle N obody likes to feel stuck N obody wants to wait for greatness to happen
Given the choice, we’d all take shortcuts out of our cocoon We’d all cut corners and find freedom on our terms
But following God means trusting that every obstacle He allows serves a bigger purpose If He removed a challenge you’re facing right now, you might not be prepared for what He’s planned for you
Your wings wouldn’t be strong enough for the road ahead
Regardless of how your struggles feel, they aren’t a waste of time God works all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28), and having faith means trusting that
Only when you push through life’s impossibly small holes do you understand how much you need God and His miraculous, transformative ways
God’s plan for you is always on time Even when you feel neglected or stuck, His plan is in motion H e’s bringing people and circumstances into your life that will strengthen you and enable you to break free and fly
Forcing your cocoon to open early interrupts His timing Quitting or taking the easy way out prevents you from developing the resilience, endurance, and character you’ll need to handle the real world
Life will still be hard after you leave your cocoon You’ll still face ups and downs, seasons where you fly and seasons where you crawl You can’t avoid every valley, but you can learn to cope You can view your valleys as growth opportunities—and use your downtime to grow wiser, better, and stronger
What happens while you’re waiting is often more important than what you’re waiting for God cares more about your character than your goals, and far more important than what you achieve is the positive growth that happens to you through the process
Let this truth comfort you Find freedom in knowing that every trial prepares you for a future you can’t see
You Don’t Want to Peak in High School
When I was growing up, I came in second place a lot
In many organizations, I was elected vice president I n two high school beauty walks, I was named first runner-up Committee heads often asked me to co-chair A nd while my grades were high, I was never the smartest girl or the class valedictorian
Deep down, I wondered if I had a defect I wondered if this would be my life theme forever—my giving 110 percent and coming in second best
Just once, I wanted to win I w anted to rise above the competition and receive the highest mark
It never happened, and life went on My mother, who understood my frustration, would sometimes say, “You’ll peak later in life, Kari You’ll get better and better with age ”
She meant this as a compliment, explaining how some people peak too young and fizzle, never reaching the same high again While I appreciated Mom’s faith in me, I still thought I had a defect I suspected that something must be seriously wrong with me
Today, I can laugh at my “runner-up” insecurities I ’m thankful that I have stories of highs and lows to share with my daughters and now you
My mother was right—my life has gotten better with time, not because I win more, but because I found my true calling later in life as a wife, mother, and writer T his stage “clicks” for me
Although I loved high school and college, I’m happiest where I am now My best days aren’t behind me; they’re in front of me and still ahead A peak, I now realize, goes beyond accomplishments, spotlights, and moments of glory
A peak can mean different things to different people, but to me it means:
• St rong, loving relationships
• Work that matters
• A full heart
• A happy home
• Self-confidence and purposeful living
• Intimacy with God
What you should know is this: People peak at different times of life. And if you’re not peaking now, that really is okay.
You don’t want to be the girl who peaks in high school—or middle school or college—and then crashes when real life kicks in
I’m not saying that Miss Everything at your school has hit her peak already Many prodigies and young superstars get better and more successful with time because they have the substance and smarts to keep growing
But sometimes, life outside the high school cocoon is disappointing for Miss Everything It’s hard to suddenly become a small fish in a big sea—and feel like your charmed life is over
Imagine if you’d always been the center of attention If you never had to share the spotlight, and if everyone treated you like a queen, doing anything you said
Wouldn’t you be a little more self-focused than your peers?
Wouldn’t your sense of reality be a little warped?
Don’t you think it’d be a rude awakening to suddenly discover— WHAM!—life won’t always work in your favor, and you’re not more special than everyone else after all?
Think about the child stars who crash and burn because they have no limits, no one telling them no, and no spiritual path to keep them centered as they get everything they want at a really young age
Yes, being Miss Everything has perks, but there is a flip side too Being catered to doesn’t strengthen your wings It doesn’t prepare you for the day when you’re no longer the center of attention It doesn’t teach you how to root for your friends when they’re thriving and you’re not
When you’re Miss Everything, you don’t want life to change And that’s the problem—it will change Whatever record you set, someone will break it Whatever title you win, someone will replace you
How well you roll with the punches depends on the hype you believe about yourself If success goes to your head, then letting go of the past will be hard
But if you enjoy your success while it lasts while never being defined by it, you’ll be humble enough to handle any circumstances that follow
Perseverance
With all my heart, I want you to have fun I w ant you to feel like these are the best days of your life because your friends are awesome and you can’t fathom life without them
After all, who else has seen you through the nitty-gritty rawness of growing up: crooked teeth, braces, training bras, crushes, acne, puppy love, boyfriends, breakups, heartache, and your most embarrassing moments?
Who else knows how weird your family can be?
“ ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ ”
(JEREMIAH 29:11)
Who else remembers how you barely survived geometry?
Who else witnessed that awkward phase you went through— and promises not to mention it again?
This roller coaster of “firsts” can be stressful yet magical Whoever takes these loops with you, you’re bonded for life
Only your earliest friends will know the 1 0 version of you, and that’s why these friends are special T hey see you “before” any glow-up or transformation
Because if you live correctly, you won’t stay at 1 0 You’ll get better, smarter, and more capable with every passing year
You’ll unlock and discover new layers of yourself that bring you closer to your ultimate design
Girls who peak too early never make it past version 1 0, 2 0, or 3 0 of themselves T hey don’t grow, adapt, or mature
What feels most essential in high school isn’t what is most
essential in life So, don’t lose hope if you’re not a superstar now Don’t worry if you haven’t found your sweet spot yet Nobody thrives in every season Everybody feels stuck sometimes B e patient as you wait for your moment You may feel hidden—but you’re not forgotten Even as you struggle, God is transforming you
Failure Isn’t the End of Your Story—It’s Part of Your Story
It took me seven years of committed writing to get a book deal
And if you haven’t experienced this personally, then I can assure you that seven years is a painfully long time to wait for a dream to come true
The good news is, it happened with this book While I never expected my big break to take so long, I’m happy that my first release was a book for girls
Throughout my life, girls have always been my comfort zone I grew up with three sisters, I have four daughters, and I know more amazing ladies than I can count It felt right for this to be the theme of my debut book
When I began to write seriously, I focused on motherhood I thought my essays were great until every agent and publisher I queried quickly rejected them
Having no luck with nonfiction, I switched to fiction T his lit a fire in me, and over the course of five years, I wrote three novels
I had many bites with these books—several agents requested full manuscripts, and one agent was so interested that I spent five months making revisions for her—but in the end, no one wanted me No one would take a chance on this diamond in the rough
Believing in myself when industry professionals didn’t was tough M y sensitive soul wasn’t prepared for that
Many days, I wanted to quit I w ished for a different passion, one easier to break into than publishing
Deep down, however, I knew God wouldn’t give me the gift of writing without a purpose So, rather than make it all about me, I made it about Him I found peace in the wait by reminding myself that as long as I’m pleasing God, I’m on the right track (Psalm 37:4)
During my seven-year wait, I changed a lot—and so did my writing A s my spiritual life grew, I stopped trying to entertain readers and hoped to encourage them instead
Through a newspaper column and a blog, I built a loyal following I heard enough positive feedback to keep pressing on
And then one day, a middle school counselor friend asked me to speak to her girls S oon after we set a date, a tree fell on my family’s house during a storm It caused major damage and forced us to move out
I was so stressed I considered canceling on my friend, but I wanted to keep my word T he timing wasn’t ideal, but I felt like I should follow through
That speech went well, and when my friend invited me back a year later, I tweaked it and added stories Six months after that, I needed a blog post, so I took that speech and created an article called “10 Truths Young Girls Should Know ”
Immediately that article went viral I ’d never experienced such a tremendous response to anything I’d written
I knew there was a market for a book based on that message, but I decided I’d write it later because I was busy pitching my fiction work to literary agents
Two months after the viral excitement died down, I received an email from an editor at Thomas Nelson, a world-leading publisher She’d seen my article and expressed interest in creating a book
For years I’d prayed for an opportunity like this, but I never expected it to fall in my lap Because honestly, this wasn’t the way that my life worked Typically, when something great happened, it was because I chased it!
To have someone want me and reach out without any initiative on my end was a strange yet wonderful sensation
I share this story to illustrate how God works in mysterious ways Even when He’s quiet—or when you think He’s not listening—He’s spinning wheels in motion behind the scenes
Learn to trust that Learn to listen to that small voice inside you urging you to do the next right thing
What that small voice suggests may seem irrelevant You may wonder what the point is when it doesn’t align with your plan
When my friend asked me to speak to her middle school girls, for instance, I saw no benefit to me One reason I almost backed out after the tree fell on my house was because I wasn’t writing for teens at that time I w as writing for parents
Since those middle school girls weren’t my reader base and didn’t live in my community, I doubted we’d ever cross paths again I knew my friend would understand if I canceled
Perseverance
Yet for some reason, I felt an urge to follow through I saw it as a chance to gain valuable speaking experience
What if I’d ignored that urge? What if I’d canceled instead?
If I never wrote that speech, would I have written the article that led to this book? Probably not
What I thought was a favor to a friend was actually an opportunity in disguise! It was the genesis of something bigger to come
As you grow up, you will see that there are people plans and there are God plans.
The strategies that we use to get ahead—connecting with connected people, hustling to get noticed, setting concrete goals—aren’t always God’s methods
While it’s important to work hard and be ready when opportunity knocks, it’s also crucial to be still and let God move (Psalm 46:10)
Leave space for God to surprise you Watch Him fulfill your heart’s desires through unexpected channels God plants people in your life for a reason Don’t discount anyone or burn bridges, because it may be the person you least expect who holds a key to your future You never know what plot twists will be used to carry out His will
Will you trust God as you wait? Will you bounce back from rejection? Will you see obstacles as an excuse to quit—or a chance to strengthen your wings?
Too many people let their obstacles win T hey chase the dreams God’s placed on their heart until it gets hard They assume something must be wrong, because why else would they be hitting walls?
B ut the truth is, any dream worth having will have obstacles
If you accept this, challenges won’t shock you You’ll expect them and brace for them K nowing that obstacles are normal makes all the difference in whether you stay committed or abandon your dreams
Nobody has mountaintop experiences all the time Even wildly successful people have peaks and valleys The two go together, and to see this illustrated, draw a mountain on paper Notice the downward slopes on either side? Those represent your failures, rejections, and down times The seasons of waiting that precede or follow a high
Failure isn’t the end of your story—it’s part of your story. It’s the learning curve that leads to your next peak
Your attitude determines your altitude And if you consider failure shameful and something to avoid at all costs, you’ll live in fear You’ll aim low and not challenge yourself
This may be safe, but it won’t make you happy Your peaks will be minimal and mildly gratifying High peaks require high risk T he greater the risk, the greater your potential reward
If, on the other hand, you see failure as a temporary dip, a painful lesson to help you improve and get better, it serves a purpose It motivates you to persevere and not waste the lesson
I know you’re eager to make sense of life You’re hungry for reassurance that everything will be okay, that God will keep His promise to always be with you and never leave you or abandon you (Deuteronomy 31:6)
But life can’t be understood by looking ahead If it could, you wouldn’t need God You’d have no incentive to walk with Him, no opportunities to earn His trust
Faith is built when you let God carry you through hard times— and look back to recognize what He did Only then, in hindsight, can the puzzle start to come together
That rejection from your high school softball team? Well, it led you to join a travel team where you got more playing time, elevated your skills, and earned a college scholarship
That art show where you only sold one painting? Well, that one customer is now opening a restaurant, and she was so impressed by you that she’s invited you to display and sell your work
When the right door opens, you grow thankful for things that didn’t pan out because if history had been different, you wouldn’t have this moment
You wouldn’t enjoy the bigger blessings that came through God’s plan
By praising Him in the storm—or when you feel stuck in a dark place or a valley—you trust God in advance You show faith without requiring immediate evidence You turn the uncertainty of the present into hope for the future
Do you believe God has a plan for you? Can you accept His timing? Do you think valleys can lead to mountaintop moments, failures can breed success, and trials can prepare you to fly?
If so, you have nothing to lose by trying Even if you fail, there’s always next time
So, dream big, work hard, take healthy risks, and keep the faith Pour yourself into your heart’s desires, and pray for your passions to align with God’s will
And when a challenge feels impossible, remember the butterfly Keep up the good fight and pray for God’s grace to kick in at the perfect time
It takes a miracle to push through life’s impossibly small holes
But like a butterfly breaking through a cocoon, your struggles don’t go to waste T hey build the strength and perseverance you’ll need for the road ahead T hey build your faith as you wait for a breakthrough
Again, what happens while you’re waiting is often more important than what you’re waiting for In God’s economy, nothing is wasted Every detail weaves together
So, give thanks in all circumstances (1 Th essalonians 5:18)
Don’t grow weary in doing good because at the right time, you’ll reap a harvest of blessings if you don’t give up (Galatians 6:9) God is faithful, and the greatest gift will always be the gift of His presence beside you in every stage of your journey
Discussion Questions
1. Using the butterfly a nalogy, what stage are you currently in? Are you hiding in a cocoon, struggling to get out, or flying free?
2. What hard experiences made you a better and wiser person? Have you ever faced a difficulty that strengthened your wings?
3. How do you cope when you feel stuck, hopeless, or impatient with life? Do you get mad at God and write Him off, or do you pray and rely harder on your faith?
4. Do you believe God has a plan for you? Do you trust that He knows every detail about your future—what job you’ll have, who you’ll marry, what you’ll name your children—and is preparing you for what’s ahead?
5. It's been said that “pain instructs.” What has God taught you during your valleys? How can sharing your testimony influence the faith of others?
CHAPTER 7
Patience
TRUTH #4:
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Otherwise, you’ll never stand strong.
Everyone at school liked Charlotte Even though she was a sophomore, the most popular juniors and seniors started inviting her to their parties
Charlotte’s quick wit and warm personality were easy draws
She appealed to people in all social circles, from techie kids and overachievers to musicians and jocks
Her best friends, Anne and Clara, went to a few parties with her, but after being ignored all night by the stuck-up seniors, they swore they’d never go back
The popular crowd didn’t take to them like they did to Charlotte
Although no one said it, their company wasn’t wanted
When Charlotte got elected to the tenth-grade homecoming court, a senior named Millie Jenkins—up for homecoming queen—took Charlotte under her wings She invited Charlotte into her circle and arranged a shopping day so they could find homecoming dresses together
Charlotte couldn’t decide what Millie Jenkins saw in her, but the endorsement upped her rank in the popular crowd W hen Millie’s best guy friend, John Wilson, asked Charlotte to homecoming so they could double date with Millie and her boyfriend, Charlotte was ecstatic John Wilson was the hottest guy in school! For years Charlotte had a secret crush on him, and now this?
Charlotte couldn’t wait to tell Anne and Clara, but their reactions surprised her
“John Wilson is a jerk ,” they said “ You’re insane to go with him!”
They also called Millie two-faced and fake It irritated Charlotte that they would judge Millie and John when they barely knew them Maybe if they tried being nice, they’d see a different side
Homecoming night was magical for Charlotte despite the tension with her best friends T he football team won by a landslide, Millie was crowned homecoming queen, and Charlotte got treated like royalty A s her dad escorted her onto the field at halftime, he
said he was proud of her Charlotte loved seeing her father in good spirits After losing his job, he rarely smiled anymore
The post-game party for seniors was held at a farm outside of town T here were no chaperones or parents—just kegs, hay, and a rowdy band you could hear a mile away
When John left Charlotte’s side to get drinks, she suddenly felt awkward Everyone at the party was drinking, and half the girls were drunk already
Millie had promised to stick by Charlotte all night, but when Charlotte glanced around, she saw Millie dancing to the band and shooting tequila
It hit Charlotte then how much she missed Anne and Clara If they were here, she wouldn’t be the only one sober T he senior parties weren’t uncomfortable when she’d had them to laugh with her at the maniacs losing control But with her best friends gone, Charlotte grew insecure She felt ridiculous standing alone like a stick in the mud, an outsider watching everyone else have fun
John came back with two Solo cups spilling over with beer T he smell and foam on top almost made Charlotte gag S he didn’t want to drink, but under these circumstances, she saw no choice After all, she was stuck here for three hours W hat else was she supposed to do, spend the entire party being antisocial?
“Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”
(EPHESIANS 5:17)
Maybe this will help me relax, Charlotte told herself as she took the cup Then I won’t be so nervous around John and his friends
Saying no at the senior parties felt harder and harder the more often she came She wanted people to like her and invite her back Charlotte tried to take a sip, but she couldn’t Her stupid conscience was nagging her W hy couldn’t this be easy? Why did it seem like no matter what she did, she’d still feel awkward?
You Can’t Go Wrong by Doing What’s Right
Like Charlotte, we all wind up in situations that test us In a matter of seconds, we’re forced to make a choice that could hurt us or jeopardize our relationships
If you’re a people pleaser—as many girls are, putting acceptance from others over personal well-being and doing anything to stay in someone’s good graces (like letting your friend cheat off you so she won’t get mad)—you may be scared to risk your relationships Your friends mean the world to you, so how could you survive without them?
What if they dropped you? What if you got left out of parties? What if your best friend chose a new best friend or your boyfriend picked a new girlfriend?
What then?
The root of these what-ifs is fear A nd fear doesn’t come from God; it comes from the Enemy Satan wants you to believe you’ll only be accepted if you follow the crowd H e wants you to believe you have no alternative
But when it comes to your life, there’s always a choice With
God’s help, you can face your fears with confidence and choose what’s right over what seems safe
God knows the peer pressure you’re up against, and He doesn’t leave you alone to deal with it T hroughout Scripture, He reminds you not to fear H e wants you to leave the future to Him and have faith that He’s in control
Peer pressure isn’t something you’ll outgrow You’ll never reach a point in life where you “figure it all out” and stop feeling tempted
There will always be people who try to persuade you to their way of thinking or make choices for you It may be new friends or old friends you love and trust In some cases, they may think they’re doing you a favor In others, they intentionally hope to mislead you
Either way, it helps to be prepared It helps to practice setting limits and saying no
Nobody lives a positive life by accident It takes conscientious effort and deliberation Pre-deciding ahead of time how you’ll handle peer pressure makes you ready when the moment comes You’re much less likely to cave if you know your plan in advance versus adopting the attitude, “I’ll decide when I get there ”
It’s not a matter of if you’ll be pressured, but when
What you should know is this: People will push you as far as you let them. Unless you establish parameters now, you’ll be talked into things against your better judgment.
You can’t go wrong by doing what’s right T he safest choice is the choice that God can bless
I know you want to fit in I understand that you care deeply about having friends B ut when being liked—or winning mass
approval—is your end goal, you’ll sell out You’ll do things you wouldn’t normally do to not stand out or cause a scene
It’s okay to be the only person not jumping over the fire at a party It’s okay to be the only one not skinny-dipping in the lake
Standing alone may feel awkward at first, but people will get over it T hey’ll quit hounding you once they know your parameters
Honestly, many people will respect you for making your own choices T hey wish to be brave like that too
As for the friends you fear losing, consider this: Would you drop a friend for making her own choices? If she’s into horseback riding and you’re into STEM, is that a reason to part ways? If she plans to attend the College of Charleston and your dream is Notre Dame, is your friendship doomed?
A true friend will like the real you S he can respect choices that are different than hers—although she will challenge you to reconsider your poor choices While you clearly need common ground, you also fill each other’s voids W here one friend is weak, another friend is often incredibly strong
And if someone drops you because you won’t live by their rules, they’re not a true friend The manipulation will only get worse with time
It’s a great test, actually, to see who stands by you when you’re not a puppet You can weed out the users and fair-weather friends this way
Humans can be very fickle, and chasing human approval is like chasing the wind—an impossible quest Even if you achieve popularity, you’ll still be insecure because on any given day, you could lose status Just one mistake or change in the tide could take you down
Your only security is your relationship with God Everything else—friends, talents, possessions, social status, online trends, and so on—can change overnight W hile the best choice may not be the popular choice, it’s easier to choose that option when your goal is pleasing God
Right is right even if nobody is doing it Wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it I f thinking for yourself distances you from some people, it’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong It’s a sign you’re doing it right.
“There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.”
(PROVERBS 14:12 esv)
The Gift of Your Gut
The first time I tried a cigarette, I was at a restaurant in Dallas with college friends Since they all smoked, I decided to try it Naturally, my friends were happy to show me the ropes I wanted to look cool and relaxed like them, but I didn’t Every time I inhaled, a voice in my head interrupted with thoughts like these:
• Smoking is bad for me, and I just learned in psychology that nicotine is extremely addictive Do I really want to get hooked on something I’ll have to quit later?
• Gu ys say that kissing a girl who smokes is like licking an ashtray Is that what I want my mouth to be, an ashtray?
• I won’t be able to exercise as well if I smoke T he chainsmokers I know can barely run a mile
• Smoking will turn my teeth yellow G ross
• I lo ok dumb doing this, plus it tastes disgusting W hat’s the point?
In short, I couldn’t enjoy that cigarette because my mind rambled I t just wouldn’t stop I t stayed on my case until I heard what I already knew: Smoking is a terrible habit that harms the body, and to knowingly do that to myself was foolish
Like me, you have a conscience You have gut instincts, hunches, intuition, and a sixth sense about what is good for you
You can push these things down and pretend they don’t exist, but you can’t make them vanish God uses these channels to speak to you T hrough the Holy Spirit, He may nudge you a certain way or hold you back Either way, the purpose is to protect you
Have you ever wondered why you can’t rebel and feel good about it for long? Why does your guilty conscience kick in, often subliminally, when you make bad choices?
Those internal forces that keep you in check are a gift T hey help you recognize when you’re headed for trouble
Imagine if no alarms went off when you were tempted to sin W hat would stop you from making one bad choice after another? How would you not harm yourself or others? How could anyone hit rock bottom and decide “Enough I ’m tired of this lifestyle” if bad decisions brought peace and happiness?
I’ll be honest—sometimes I’m annoyed by my conscience and gut feelings T hey spoil the fun I want to have W hether I’m
gossiping, overspending, or taking out anger on someone, there are times I want to indulge my will without that voice whispering, “You know this is wrong Stop while you’re ahead ”
Can’t a girl sin in peace? Can’t I get it out of my system without feeling ashamed or regretful afterward?
The answer is no S in doesn’t work like that— and that’s a good thing You and I both have an innate sense of what’s right and wrong Even if “right” isn’t immediately obvious, we know when we’re in over our head O ur sins separate us from God, and the only way to close that gap is to admit our sins and ask for forgiveness
Whatever choices you make, you’ll sometimes feel uncomfortable Discomfort is an unavoidable part of the human experience I t’s okay to feel uncomfortable because it means you’re holding on to something you believe deep down If you never felt uncomfortable, you’d never develop those muscles of learning to stand strong.
With any choice, there will be a trade-off W hen you live for your friends, constantly caving to peer pressure, your life will lack inner harmony On the surface you may look fine, but deep down there will be an uneasiness that you can’t shake
When you live for God, you can enjoy inner harmony but will sometimes feel left out, torn, or lonely when everyone but you jumps on a bandwagon In these moments, when certain choices separate you from friends, ask Jesus to fill the void Let Him comfort you in your sadness
This world can’t offer you perfect peace, but there is peace in knowing that God loves you and never abandons you Decide now
w hich comfort you seek: the comfort of fitting in (temporary) or the comfort of pleasing Him (eternal)
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable as you encounter new situations A nd if you’re not sure about a decision, then don’t do it Rarely will you regret erring on the side of caution
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
(GALATIANS 1:10)
Patience
Five Ways to Cope with Peer Pressure
1 Choose the right friends. Every group has its own subculture—a common way of thinking, acting, and behaving For better or worse, you rub off on each other
I mentioned earlier how hanging around a wild crowd impacts your choices You won’t lift them up to higher standards; they’ll drag you down to theirs
When I was in high school and college, I noticed a phenomenon that I still see today: A sweet and innocent girl starts mingling with the wrong crowd by dating the wrong guy Like Charlotte from my story, she feels unworthy to be with someone older and more popular
What starts as drinks here and there may eventually lead to bigger things, like drug use or sleeping around This can happen to anyone, not just girls with a wild side When you consistently expose yourself to negative influences, your resistance weakens
The right friends won’t like you dating the wrong guy They won’t care if he’s cool; they’ll care about whether you’re in safe hands
The right friends can also have fun with you anywhere— hanging out in your bedroom, singing in the car, even babysitting your little sister They’re loyal, loving, and kind
2 Keep the right attitude. When you make good choices, stand firm You don’t have to apologize or justify yourself
Be careful, however, not to adopt a false sense of superiority No one sinner is better than another (Luke 6:41–42), and taking pride in your moral record is a sin in itself Acting “holier than thou” will distance you from your classmates It can make you lose respect and give people a bad taste about Christianity
God calls you to love others, not judge them People can respect you for being an individual, but when you’re self-righteous about it, you may get ostracized Your peers may seem particularly happy when you make a mistake We all mess up, and we all need more compassion, not judgment, from others
3 Choose the right environments. Where you go matters as much as who you go with Avoid situations that may cause you to slip
If you think there will be illegal substances at a party, skip it You and your friends can have fun anywhere, so find better things to do, like going to concerts, riding roller coasters, or having a girls’ karaoke night
Sometimes you’ll wind up in a compromising situation by accident You’ll arrive at a party and realize it’s not the party for you
At one party I went to in college, I heard about some girls and guys snorting cocaine in a bedroom Since this fraternity was known for drug use, I should have expected this, but I didn’t Fortunately, it was easy to escape My friends and I said goodbye and left No harm done
But sometimes your escape won’t be easy You may get stuck and need a back-up plan
If you haven’t discussed this already, talk to your parents about a “help first, ask questions later” emergency call system Don’t ever be scared to call for help if you’re in a bad situation
I always told my daughters that their safety was my top concern I’d rescue them from anywhere, even the seediest part of town Even if I felt upset over a choice they made, I’d get over it—but what I’d never get over was something bad happening to them or a friend The adults who love you most want you to ask for help too Your safety is their top concern
4 Imagine hard scenarios—then imagine your response. It’s tough to think clearly when you’re on the spot, especially if you’re with someone who makes a bad idea sound good By thinking ahead about potential tests, you’ll be prepared How would you handle the following?
* Your chemistry class has a cheat sheet for today’s pop quiz Everyone has a copy and is memorizing it You’re teetering between a B and a C and need a high score Do you cheat too?
* You’re at a sleepover where the girls are messaging boys One boy asks a girl for an inappropriate body picture She sends it, and then the other girls send inappropriate pictures too T hey think it’s funny and no big deal You’re
the only girl holding back, and they tease you about being sheltered T he guys all place bets on you, and one offers three hundred dollars for your prize picture Do you accept?
* You and your best friends all have a pact: no drinking and no sex before marriage But a few weeks ago, while spending the night at one friend’s house, she confided to you that she and her boyfriend just went all the way Now you’re at a party, and you see another friend accepting a White Claw Do you stick to the pact? Do you say anything to get your friends back on track?
* Your boyfriend dumped you for a mean girl Everyone hates her, and your friends have started a social media smear campaign T hey’re making up rumors that put a pit in your stomach Do you let the campaign continue, or do you call it off?
5 Know yourself. Everyone has weak points and temptation areas Whatever is important to you— popularity, money, academic success, pleasing others, image is w here you’re most likely to compromise your values Be honest as you consider your goals and how far you’ll go to protect them 10 U ltimate Truths
Build Your Spiritual Muscles
There is always a choice when it comes to sin You can engage with it or reject it
God promises you won’t be tempted beyond what you can bear Whatever you face, He’ll provide a way out Remember this when you hit a crossroads A sk for the wisdom to handle tricky situations
Every time you resist temptation, you build your resolve and spiritual muscles You grow equipped to handle a harder test It’s been said, “A calm sea never made a good sailor,” and this means that challenges strengthen you The goal isn’t to coast through life—but to learn how to navigate adversity well and build on that expertise
You’ll always face peer pressure It will take many forms: pressure to rebel, pressure to succeed, pressure to find a prestigious job, pressure to get married, pressure to be wealthy, pressure to buy a big home, pressure to have babies, pressure to live in a certain neighborhood—honestly, it never stops
Only you can say, “Enough ” Only you can hear what God tells you and choose the path that brings you peace W hat’s popular may not be right for you—and that’s okay
Again, God created you to live authentically, not identically to other girls Your lane is your own
Feeling uncomfortable is a feeling to trust, so lean and reflect on what makes you uneasy Trust your gut instincts, and when someone gives you a funny vibe—even a tiny sense that you can’t trust them—pay attention Make safety your top priority, and don’t hesitate to protect yourself.
You don’t have to be kind when you get a bad vibe or when someone tries to coerce you into a decision that feels wrong or shady A ll bets are off when there is a dark motive, and it’s okay to be rude, mean, offensive, and tough to keep yourself safe S eek help, get yourself to a safe place, and know that it’s better to be safe than sorry when it comes to protecting yourself Nothing matters more than your health and your life
Your inner radar is a gift, so treat it like one The more you listen to your instincts, the sharper they’ll get, and the more equipped you’ll be to navigate challenges and adversities of life
Discussion Questions
1. Do you ever make poor choices to fit in? Does giving in once make it easier to give in again?
2. Th ink of a time when you resisted temptation. What helped you stay strong?
3. Are there certain people you can’t say no to or situations that heighten your insecurities? If so, make a plan. Pre- decide what you’ll do to make deliberate choices, not impulsive ones.
4. On a scale of one to ten, how comfortable are you with being uncomfortable? How do you respond to that tension?
5. Have you ever had a gut instinct that someone wasn’t trustworthy or good for you? If so, how did you respond? Looking back, what would you do differently?
CHAPTER 8
Image
TRUTH #3:
How you present yourself affects how people see you.
Okay, my friend, the time has come to talk about your body and how you present it T his may feel like an awkward topic, yet it’s also an important one
Up front you should know three things:
• Your body is good
• Your body is holy
• Your body holds power
If you haven’t realized your body’s power yet, you will In the coming years, you’ll see how your body can make a boy stop what he’s doing and watch you
When this happens, it feels good It makes you happy It may flip on a switch inside you that confirms what you long to hear: You are pretty. You stand out. You’re desirable to the opposite sex.
You may also notice how certain fashion choices draw attention from boys G irls often get misguided here, assuming that all attention is equal I t’s not You see, there is negative attention and positive attention W hile one type hurts you, the other builds you up
You know the class clown who always interrupts the teacher and thinks he’s so funny? That’s negative attention H e has an audience, but do they respect him? No, because he’s acting rude and annoying
Meanwhile, you have the smartest girl in school listening quietly T he room falls silent when she speaks because everyone wonders what she’ll say Is she respected? Yes And since she doesn’t artificially draw the spotlight, she attracts positive attention
This same principle applies to clothing W hen girls wear sexy, revealing outfits that make boys do double takes—is that positive attention? Does flashing more skin earn respect?
Many girls interpret these reactions as positive T hey think it gives them an upper hand, when really it puts them in a bad
Image
position, often leading people to mistakenly devalue them and disregard their true worth
Using your body to bait boys doesn’t enhance their impression of you; it diminishes it It positions you as a sex symbol in their mind, someone to lust after, not someone to love
I’m not saying this is right I ’m not excusing any poor behavior or choices boys may make when their sexual instincts get the best of them It is every boy’s responsibility to control his thoughts and desires. Even when a girl dresses sexy, she deserves to be treated with respect.
But what a girl deserves and what a girl gets don’t always mesh
One reason is that we live in a fallen world
Another reason is that many boys choose to act as predators instead of protectors They see girls as sexual opportunities, not sisters in Christ T he less clothing a girl wears, the more predators she tends to attract, the bottom of the barrel in terms of recognizing her inherent dignity
Again, I’m not saying this is right I ’m saying this is reality, a reality of which I want you to be aware
What you should know is this: The male brain is wired differently than yours. While you may feel pretty wearing a micro skirt that shows off your legs or a skimpy top that accentuates your tan, boys view this through a different lens
Yo u see, boys don’t admire you the way you admire yourself
While you may think you look attractive or fashionable, their mind can sometimes take it a step further as sexual thoughts come to mind
That’s right, the tiny clothes you may choose to flaunt your
figure can trigger sexual fantasies The reason why some boys stare is because you’re the star of a movie playing in their head
Consider this too: It’s not just guys your age who can have these thoughts It could be a forty-year-old man who sees you at a football game and suddenly notices you in a new light It could be him imagining a fantasy
I know, that’s disgusting, right? It’s something that never crossed my mind when I was your age
As a teenager, I loved my miniskirts I wore them a lot, and my dad didn’t like them I recall a few times when he told me my skirt was too short and then scowled at it in a way that made me embarrassed I t hought I’d done something wrong, and part of me was angry I w anted to wear my skirt shorter just to prove I could What I didn’t realize was what his scowl meant I t wasn’t me he was thinking about; it was the reaction he imagined my skirt might elicit from boys—or even men
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”
(1 CORINTHIANS
6:19–20)
That was his fatherly instinct kicking in He was looking out for his little girl, not wanting anyone to view me as less than I was
If you also have a protective daddy, this helps explain why When he gets upset over your wardrobe choices, it’s not so much you he distrusts it’s those boys
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And here’s the irony: Mothers of boys are equally protective. Having once been teenagers, they know how girls think So, when girls dress provocatively to lure their sons, they know the intention They see through it, and they’ll be quick to say that isn’t the girl they want their sons to date
Use Your Body for Good
Rest assured that you can still have fun with fashion
You can still build a stylish wardrobe that boosts your confidence
I understand the magic of the right outfit I w ant you to smile when you look in the mirror—and feel ready to take on the world because you feel dressed for the part
Earlier I shared three facts about your body T he first two are foundational You can stand on these truths:
• Your body is good
• Your body is holy
Your body is a miracle—and a gift from God I t’s where He dwells inside you through the Holy Spirit
If your friend needs a hug, God can’t physically embrace her, but you can
If your grandmother needs help in her wheelchair, God can’t physically push her, but you can
Your body allows you to share God’s love A nd when you use
your body in beautiful ways, you set your soul in motion You become the hands and feet of Jesus
You can’t control what comes to mind when someone sees your body N o boy can blame you for any improper thoughts or fantasies he has related to your appearance T hat is his battle to fight
The battle you must fight is the temptation to use your body or sexy clothes to get ahead, get noticed, or get what you want— whether that is attention, compliments, or a date to the big band party
For many girls, this is an easy shortcut, yet one that ultimately leads to dead ends, disappointment, and the wrong kind of admirers
Your body holds power, so use that power wisely Don’t diminish yourself by playing games, acting seductive, or making racy comments to provoke boys
Th is behavior isn’t classy, and it will hurt you W hen you fail to treat boys like real people, they’ll fail to treat you like a real person too
God sees the motive, even if no one else does, and He knows when you’re causing intentional spiritual harm
The most beautiful and admired women always leave something to the imagination People take notice when they enter the room
When a beautiful woman appears in a classic, tasteful gown, people stare in awe of her beauty They marvel over God’s creation They’re impressed by her poise, grace, elegance, and warmth They see her face and the overall person T hey naturally draw closer
Yet if this woman put on a plunging risqué gown, the mood
would dramatically shift Awe would turn into shock A ll eyes would be drawn to that one body put on display— not her beautiful face
In spire people to notice the overall you L et your appearance reflect your innate goodness Yo u can’t control how people see you, but you can control how you use your body and how you clothe it too
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“For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.”
(1 JOHN 2:16)
QUICK QUIZ: Do Your Friends Influence Your Clothing Choices?
You’re on a girls’ beach trip and everyone is getting ready for dinner T hroughout the condominium, hair dryers are buzzing
In a small bathroom, you apply makeup, fix your hair, and smile at your reflection in the mirror You feel good about your look tonight Your long dress accentuates your height and lean physique
But as you walk in the den, your heart sinks Compared to the other girls—all dressed in some sexy combination of sheer tops, lacy skirts, and micro shorts—your look is unexciting What do you do?
A You rush back into your bedroom and change into your skimpiest outfit Competing with so many beautiful girls is hard enough How will boys notice you if you don’t show off your body too?
B You don’t change, but you don’t bounce back either A lready your night is ruined because you feel insecure and overshadowed
C You stick with your dress and remember how pretty you felt when you looked in the mirror If you had confidence then, shouldn’t you have confidence now?
D You get over it and quit the comparisons Everybody has their own style, and even if you’re the only one dressed modestly, it works for you
If you answered “C” or “D,” you’re on the right track You’re dressing for yourself and what makes you feel good You’re trusting what feels true to you
Feel Proud of Your Story
You only get one chance to make a first impression
Your clothing is just one part of that equation W hat also impacts people’s perception of you is your behavior, speech, personality, attitude, manners, confidence, and social skills
Now that I know young adults entering the working world, I’m seeing firsthand what opens doors I ’ve noticed how soft skills— like a fun personality, a resilient attitude, a coachable heart—can
create a winning edge When a thousand candidates apply to graduate school, and the class only has thirty-six spots, what seals the deal in the final round is the overall impression made in the interview
A résumé can get your foot in the door, but after that, your secret weapon is the value you’ll add to a team
One college girl I know interned one summer for a Fortune 500 company
“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
She joked that she was out of her league as the only Southern sorority girl among elite university interns T hey all surpassed her in intelligence, but she worked hard She befriended everyone and had fun
(1 PETER 3:3–4)
At t he end of the summer, the executives chose one intern to receive a job after graduation Sh e was shocked when they chose her.
These executives later told her, “You’re always dressed appropriately You can make small talk We can send you into a board meeting at the last minute, and we know you’ll represent us well ”
In ot her words, she’s the total package T hey trust her judgment She makes a great impression She is steady and consistent
I adore this girl, and I’m not surprised they loved her too She is a gem
We all know the saying “You can’t judge a book by its cover,” but in reality, most people do Just as the cover of this book reflects the message inside, your exterior packaging tells your story It creates expectations of what comes next
It’s worth taking time to ask yourself, Am I telling the story I want to tell? Am I the same girl online and in real life?
I often hear business owners say that they’ve had this same experience: They’re about to hire someone—but then they check their social media They immediately change their mind as they see an enormous gap
That impressive person who sat in their interview chair does not align with this darker persona they see online T his person speaks, looks, and dresses much differently
For a girl, it might be a TikTok reel with foul language A video of sexy dancing in racy clothes—or an angry political rant It might be party snapshots where she and her friends are drunk and stumbling It could be a post where she’s airing dirty laundry and sharing way too many personal details with strangers on the internet
The bottom line is, your digital identity is just as important as your real-life identity It impacts the impression that people form of you
Appearing different online than you are in real life makes you lose credibility Nobody trusts a chameleon who constantly changes their personality based on who they’re talking to, so avoid this trap Know who you are—and own it Make a habit of honest living
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Honest living begins with God It begins with seeing yourself as His beloved child and choosing to be the same person with everyone
When you live honestly, you keep everything in the light You don’t live in fear of someone discovering your double life or secret identity
Doesn’t that sound appealing? Wouldn’t you like to be real and simply enjoy who you are—rather than constantly shape-shifting yourself to appeal to different audiences? Wouldn’t you love to feel proud of the story you’re telling?
Making a good impression may not seem significant now At your age, it’s hard to think beyond five years
But one day, it will matter You’ll see how it can elevate you to stand out in a good way Let your God-given identity be the starting point for your story Find good role models to follow
I understand the challenge here Especially in celebrity culture, which bombards you from every angle, there aren’t many great examples of how to dress, behave, or present yourself
So, know this: You deserve better than the culture that’s shaping you
You deserve better than the tawdry fashions seen on the red carpet and the lewd entertainment that gets celebrated on national stages
Most of all, you deserve better than the degrading fashion trends pushed on teenage girls today Great fashion enhances beauty, yet there is nothing enhancing (or beneficial) about seethrough shirts, revealing cutouts, and dresses not long enough to cover your bottom
Besides drawing negative attention, these fashions lead people to make rash assumptions Some will assume that you’re on board with a promiscuous or wild lifestyle, regardless of whether that’s true, when this is your style
Your packaging matters, so dress with class, and don’t believe the lie that you need skimpy clothes to compete with other girls wearing skimpy clothes because without that hook, you can’t catch a guy
Here’s my argument: If you catch a guy by flaunting your body or dressing half naked, you’re starting off on the wrong foot It won’t be a healthy relationship, and it won’t be long before the novelty of your body wears off and his attention turns to another tight skirt
Your body is no different from the bodies of a thousand other girls. What it can deliver to a guy, their bodies can deliver too If physical attraction is your main foundation, trouble is sure to come E xpect a rocky ride and future insecurity because you’ve made yourself easy to replace
If you want to be irreplaceable if you want to stand out if you want to distinguish yourself from other girls focus on what no one can compete with: your inner authenticity
You’re the only you in the universe Your interior life can never be replicated
And while guys may not realize this yet, that rich interior life— that beautiful inner mystery—is what they’ll always chase I t is more valuable, distinctive, and interesting than any short-term outer package can offer
So, let your body reflect your soul Let your presentation capture your essence
Your body is good Your body is holy A nd your body holds power Treat it well, give thanks for it, and use it to honor God
Discussion Questions
1. What do you think when a g irl wears revealing clothes? Do you notice her beauty, or do other thoughts come to mind?
2. Has a guy ever made a disrespectful remark about your body? Has anyone ever checked you out in a way that made you uncomfortable? How can you remember the big truths about your body—that it’s good and holy—when someone treats you like a sex object or chooses to act as a predator instead of a protector?
3. How can a girl have fun with fashion and still look classy? Are there certain brands you like?
4. Tu rning the tables, how should guys dress? Does it enhance your impression when a guy is showered and shaved? Who would you rather have pick you up for a date: a guy dressed sloppily (grungy T-sh irt and gym shorts) or someone pulled together (a collared shirt and well-fitted jeans)?
5. Do you believe your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit? If so, how does this change the way you see and take care of it?
CHAPTER 9
Inner Beauty
TRUTH #2:
Pretty girls are a dime a dozen. Outer beauty attracts attention, but inner beauty is what holds it.
Lily couldn’t figure out what her problem was G etting boyfriends was ridiculously easy, but hanging on to them was another story
Since her sixteenth birthday two years ago, she’d had seven
serious relationships They all followed the same pattern: She’d meet a guy who was crazy about her They’d date seriously for three or four months T hen out of the blue, he’d back off and say he needed “space ”
Lily hated the word space It made it sound like she was suffocating them, when it was always her boyfriends who came on strong At least, they did in the beginning A nd that is what confused Lily
Why did they always start off obsessed and attentive, then lose interest once they knew her? Was it the commitment that scared them off—or was something wrong with her?
Lily knew that she was exceptionally beautiful People complimented her looks all the time—so often, in fact, it got old Whenever she went to a restaurant or shopping, guys would stop and stare, and some friends had a problem with this They said they felt invisible when she got all the attention, and they once told Lily that people only noticed her because she was a drama queen
These comments hurt, but when you’re attractive, people think they can say anything because you’re confident enough to take it
Only Lily wasn’t confident, and that’s why she liked hanging around the guys Unlike girls, they didn’t insult her T hey didn’t get jealous over petty things or undermine her
Lately, however, even boys had disappointed Lily H er last boyfriend dumped her for another girl, and the one before him accused her of being boring and vain
“You are clueless!” he screamed in their final fight “ Maybe if you spent less time in front of the mirror, you’d get a personality!”
Lily had shouted back that he was the one who insisted she
Inner Beauty
look hot every time they went out T his boyfriend liked treating Lily to expensive gifts and fancy dates, and in return he wanted Lily to “make him look good ”
She’d done him a favor, and to insult her for that took a lot of nerve
Lily was tired of being used S he’d had enough of investing everything in these relationships and getting kicked to the curb Was she dating the wrong guys, or were they all commitment-phobes? Was she foolish to hold out hope that a boy would ever stay?
“But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’ ”
(1 SAMUEL 16:7)
Something had to change, but what? Lily couldn’t quite figure that out
What’s Behind Your Storefront Window?
There is no denying that beauty opens doors
Being pretty gets you noticed It attracts boys People are more likely to smile at you for no reason and listen when you speak They’re quick to “like” the photos and videos you post online Should you get
pulled over for speeding, you might be able to sweet-talk your way out of a ticket Without a doubt, being pretty has its perks
But all too often with girls, appearance becomes the main attraction You can channel so much time and energy into your looks that you neglect the hidden parts of you that possess even more value, like your personality, talent, smarts, sense of humor, and spiritual life
What results is a dazzling shell that seems hollow inside While the package may look attractive, there is little substance below the surface
What you should know is this: Being pretty isn’t enough. Being hot isn’t enough. Being flawless and physically perfect isn’t enough. Pretty girls are a dime a dozen, and unless you have other strengths in your favor, you won’t stand out for long
In Lily’s story, the root problem was her overreliance on her looks Since that was what people marveled over, she mistakenly believed it was her best asset and focused hard on it
Like many beautiful girls, Lily “put it all in the storefront window ” She only cared about the outer display of her image
But think about the storefront windows you see while shopping W hen you run across one that is spectacular, aren’t you especially excited to see what’s inside? Don’t you hope the interior matches the exterior—or better yet, surpasses it?
And when you walk in and discover a dull interior, how do you feel? Disappointed? Let down? Antsy to move on?
Maybe the store is boring Maybe there is dead space Maybe the environment feels cold and intimidating—not the kind of place where you want to hang out
Inner Beauty
Whatever the case, it’s not enough that the storefront window catches your eye from the street How comfortable you feel inside the store is what keeps you coming back
People are the same way Your appearance is a starting point, an invitation for others to look closer T he most beautiful people have interiors that outshine their exteriors, exceeding anyone’s expectations
They are first and foremost beautiful souls.
Let’s be clear: Appearance is important To boldly serve God, you need to be happy with how you look, and that begins with taking care of the one body you’ve been given When you look put together, people can take you seriously T hey’re more willing to follow you, take a chance on you, and help you reach your dreams
But there comes a point where enough is enough Looking good can be a full-time job, and for some girls, it is
When this becomes your lifestyle choice, however, you fail to cultivate the rich interior life that helps you find deep joy and intimacy with God You attract friends and guys who are equally caught up in appearances, which makes for shallow and flimsy relationships
That was Lily’s other problem: The boys she drew weren’t the type to appreciate a girl’s depth and authenticity; they were boys who would chase anything that makes their eyes pop out You can’t count on these
“Charm
is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”
(PROVERBS 31:30)
guys because there will always be another storefront window that comes along and outshines yours
Being pretty, hot, or physically perfect isn’t enough And when your external display becomes your obsession, the mystery behind the curtain gets neglected or, worse yet, forgotten
Your Behavior Impacts How People See You
When I started college, I got a crash course on beauty that changed my perspective forever
From day one at the University of Alabama, I was blown away by all the gorgeous girls Everywhere I looked there were solid tens, girls to suit any taste or preference: tall, short, curvy, lean, blonde, brunette, glamorous, natural—you get the idea
It w as an intimidating scene, especially when I considered how the freshman girls outnumbered the freshman boys A s I thought about the dates I hoped to have and calculated the odds stacked against me, I wondered how I was supposed to compete
During the next four years, I found out Above all, I learned that beauty is a running tally influenced by a girl’s choices You see, how a girl acts impacts how people see her.
When you show love, like making cookies for your friend after a break-up, you become more attractive Your beauty quotient rises
But when you act selfishly, choosing instead to pursue your friend’s ex-boyfriend, your beauty quotient drops
It really is that simple
Inner Beauty
A lot of outwardly beautiful girls make themselves ugly by acting catty, crass, vindictive, or unhinged T hey start as a ten and slide down the beauty scale as their true colors show
Then there are girls with so much character and inner light that they transform from a seven into a ten Once you know them, a deeper beauty shines through
This deeper beauty is God’s presence W hen you reveal your godliness to others, they notice it and feel it They crave your company and see you through new eyes
This is why an eighty-year-old grandmother can be the most beautiful creature on earth to her grandchild
It’s why you may suddenly be attracted to a guy who you never found attractive before, because one deep and life-changing conversation with him stirred up something wonderful and miraculous inside you
There are two types of beauty: beauty in the eye and beauty in the mind W hile the eye’s opinion matters initially when a first impression is made, the mind’s opinion stands the test of time
The better you know someone, the less their appearance matters to you Even their most arresting features don’t grab you like before
The best part of you—or anyone else—isn’t readily apparent
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”
(2 CORINTHIANS 4:16)
Even if you won the genetic lottery and look like a supermodel, this holds true
While the world pushes physical perfection, pressuring you to chase the eye’s approval, God looks deeper
God’s primary concern is not your body, which will expire one day, but your soul, which lives forever
The Beauty of Loving Yourself
I’ve talked about vanity, but for most girls, the bigger issue with beauty is insecurity
In some way, we all doubt God’s handiwork We question the way He built us
We admire other girls and wish we looked like them If we’re short, we wish we were tall If our hair is curly, we wish it were straight If we’re brunette, we wish we were blonde If we have a larger frame, we wish we were petite
The wish list never ends, does it?
Then there’s that bully in our head, the ruthless inner critic who seeks to demolish our confidence I don’t know about yours, but my inner critic can be direct and mean M y critic knows my weak points and how to target my insecurities
Where I’m feeling vulnerable and extra-sensitive, that’s when he strikes I have to be on guard to not let that voice go straight to my heart
Your inner critic can cause tremendous harm too All criticism hurts, but that voice between your ears can absolutely destroy you.
Inner Beauty
W hether you believe the lies of your inner critic—or choose to dismiss them—will bring either death or life into your soul
Again, that highly critical and unforgiving voice in your head isn’t the voice of God; it’s the voice of the devil God would never speak to you with harsh, savage, or heartless words
Instead of handing your inner critic a microphone, put him on mute Remember that you control him, and his motivation for pulling every stop to beat you down is to keep you from serving God
By turning you against yourself, he undermines your confidence He keeps you from seeing yourself favorably He makes you want to retreat into your shell rather than step out in faith
So, how do you conquer your inner bully? How do you turn self-doubt into self-love? How do you find confidence even as you work through an issue that has you down—like trying to reach a healthy weight, treating your acne, or growing out a tragic haircut?
This is how: By showing yourself grace. By seeing yourself through God’s loving, merciful eyes. Remember, you are His child H e made you in His image You are His priceless treasure
God loves you equally at your best and your worst H e helps you replace toxic thoughts with hope, truth, and love Let Him renew your mind Change your life by changing the way you think
When you look in the mirror, find reasons to praise God
Magnify what is good and right Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) Replace unhealthy thoughts with healthy ones
• Rather than criticize your thighs praise God for two healthy legs that let you run, dance, swim, and climb
• Rather than wish your eyes were blue praise God for the gift of sight
• Rather than cry because you’re too tall praise God for your speed and agility
• Rather than pick your body apart praise God for His handiwork and all the intricate details that work together every day to let you impact lives
Your mind is going to chatter I t will speak love, hate, and everything in between T he narratives you entertain form a track in your mind, and while godly thoughts create a positive loop, toxic thoughts create a negative loop The longer you stay on a loop, the more deeply etched and reinforced it gets
Decide now what thoughts you’ll believe Keep your bully’s hidden motives in mind A sk yourself, “Would I ever speak to a friend this way?” If the answer is no, that’s a guaranteed sign you need to change your self-talk
There is beauty in all of God’s creation, and that creation includes you. By seeing yourself as His masterpiece, made by the same hands that created the stars and the moon, you adopt the proper lens, one that evokes awe and wonder toward Him
“Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.”
(PSALM 34:5)
Inner Beauty
QUICK QUIZ: Does Your Appearance Rule Your Social Life?
For months you’ve counted down the days until your friend’s birthday bash
Her parents have planned a lavish celebration with a band, fireworks, and three hundred guests
The day of the party, however, you don’t want to go First of all, you look terrible in your new dress because your stomach is bloated Second, your eyes are puffy from crying after a fight with your mom T hird, you woke up this morning with a zit the size of Texas on your chin
What do you do?
A You skip the party After all, you can’t go out in public in this condition People will talk! With so many guests attending, your friend won’t notice your absence
B You find another dress, fix your eyes with makeup, and go to the party A lthough you don’t feel like being social, you make yourself have fun T his is your friend, after all, and it’s only right to support her
C You wear sunglasses to the party, sulk in the corner, and spend the entire night thinking about how your friend owes you for this sacrifice
D You look in the mirror and give yourself a pep talk, saying, “Snap out of it! Tonight isn’t about you It’s about the birthday girl!”
If you answered “B” or “D,” you’re thinking correctly You’ve put your friend over a bad hair day and the bad attitude that can result
We all have days we don’t want to leave the house, but sometimes we have to Sometimes we have to get over our issues and insecurities to show up for the people we love
A friend’s birthday party is always a special event Even if three hundred guests come, your friend will notice—and remember— who is and isn’t there
What’s a Healthy Self-Image?
A young woman I know got liposuction at age nineteen because her mom insisted H er mom wanted her to be a beauty queen, and since this girl was naive, she went along with it
Her mom isn’t a bad person, but that was a bad choice she made She projected her vanity (or insecurity) onto her daughter in a major way
What this story illustrates is how the pressure to look perfect and fit into a specific mold can come from anyone, even someone close to you who you love and trust
That is why you should understand what a healthy self-image is You can’t rely on the world’s opinion because we—as humans— get it wrong sometimes Only God can tell you the complete and accurate truth about your beauty
When I was your age, I loved Teen magazine This is where I learned about fashion, boys, and makeup because the internet didn’t exist
Inner Beauty
As much as I loved flipping through Teen, however, it always triggered deep insecurities T he images made me feel less than, inadequate, and not enough
Af ter all, these models were flawless Compared to them, I felt pitiful I spent countless hours staring at their pictures and trying to unlock their secrets so I could achieve that same level of beauty
My thoughts sounded like this:
Her eyes are so symmetrical. How do I get my eyes like that?
How do I make my thin hair thick like hers?
I wish my legs were that skinny!
I’d kill for her stomach!
Even her toes are perfect!
Obviously, my model study sessions never ended well T hey discouraged me because I wanted to look exactly like them and nothing like me
Fortunately, my Teen magazine only came once a month T hat gave me a break, a stretch of several weeks where I could forget about the gap between their beauty and mine
But you? You live in a different age Thanks to the internet and social media, you’re reminded of that gap every single day
Be sides airbrushed photos of celebrities, you constantly get bombarded by filtered images of your friends and peers Yo u see everyone putting their best foot forward, showing the one picture or video out of twenty attempts that captured a perfect moment
These perfect moments make you assume that other girls
have perfect lives Like me, you may wonder what their secrets are, because by all appearances, they have the answers
But guess what? They don’t Just like you, every girl out there is searching She’s measuring herself against someone she thinks is prettier, happier, or better off than she is She’s studying posts to see who has all the answers S he’s feeling less than, inadequate, and not enough
Do you see the cycle? Do you see why girls can quickly become jealous, insecure, and competitive with each other?
When you think someone has the secret answers you crave, you tend to resent them That resentment builds up, turning girls into threats and competition
A healthy self-image starts with love and compassion—for yourself and others It finds common ground Beneath our appearances, we all share the same emotions:
• Joy and sadness
• Hope and fear
• Gr atitude and anger
• Courage and self-doubt
• Empathy and indifference
• Certainty and confusion
Every girl you know is a lot like you You all face the same pressures to look perfect You all share an unspoken understanding of how hard it is to grow up
By f inding common ground, you quit feeling threatened You see yourselves as allies—and stop the constant comparisons
Inner Beauty
This allows deeper friendships to form It puts you on the same team W hat’s good for one girl is good for all girls A v ictory for one girl is a victory for all girls Nobody needs to lose their race so you can win your race because yours is unique Only you can run it
Rather than feel superior or inferior to other girls, focus on your lane Run the race you were born to run (Hebrews 12:1–2) and cheer for other girls in the race they were born to run Run farther and faster together
God created you with great intention No detail about you is a mistake W hile you may always wish to change certain parts of your appearance, obsessing over these wishes will distract you It will interfere with your race
Constantly jumping on the wish train (“I wish I had a faster metabolism,” “I wish I had her nose,” “I wish my legs were as strong as hers”) slows you down It creates an anxious, dissatisfied heart W hen physical perfection is your goal, there is no stopping point There is no final destination, no point where you will finally be happy
Yes, you must take care of your body You only get one body in life, and it has to last you a very long time. So, be a good steward of it Develop healthy habits Nurture your body so you can achieve physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health
At t he same time, practice moderation Don’t waste your one beautiful life by jumping on every wish train and hating the skin you’re in God created you for more than an endless quest of trying to be the most gorgeous girl in the room
Real beauty starts in the heart, and throughout Scripture, God makes it clear that a beautiful heart is more important than a
“It’s healthy to be content, but envy can eat you up.”
(PROVERBS 14:30 cev )
beautiful face Our world is full of outwardly beautiful girls who are even prettier on the inside, so aim for the radiance that starts within Guard your heart against petty obsessions and jealousies that dim God’s light inside you
Nurture Your Soul
Life is so very short Even if you live ninety years, that’s a blip compared to the infinite time you’ll spend in eternity
When your time on earth ends, your outer beauty dies with you It’s buried six feet under
At your funeral, people won’t be talking about your sculpted abs, your bleached teeth, or your lush eyelashes (at least, I hope not) W hat they will discuss is your character, your example, and how you influenced their life
So, ask yourself, “What do I want said at my funeral? What value am I adding to the lives around me?”
Does my beautiful hair make anyone a better person?
Do my high cheekbones feed someone’s soul?
Do my fabulous outfits comfort a sad friend?
How you make people feel inside is what sets you apart from other girls It makes you the girl who a guy can’t live without A keeper who can’t be replaced
Physical attraction may draw a boyfriend, but that’s not the
force that will make your husband-to-be imagine a real future together, a lifelong journey filled with children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren
The most beautiful girls inspire others and lift them up They are first and foremost beautiful souls.
It’s the state of your soul—not your flesh—that determines where you will spend eternity, so pay close attention to it Tend to your soul with the same care you give your body Treat it as if it is sacred, because it most certainly is
Af ter all, your soul is your ticket to heaven A nd since you only get one soul, it’s crucial to nurture it wisely
Discussion Questions
1. On a scale of one to ten, how much do you obsess over your appearance? How do you balance taking care of your body and avoiding unhealthy extremes?
2. When you see a girl who’s prettier than you, do you automatically dislike her? Could you be friends with her, or would that trigger too much insecurity?
3. What does your inner critic tell you? How can you replace those lies with God’s truth?
4. Do jealousy and comparison ever undermine your relationship with other girls? If so, how can you work on this?
5. What does a beautiful soul look like to you? Who possesses a remarkable inner beauty that radiates on the outside too?
Self-Talk
TRUTH #1:
The source of all peace and happiness lives inside you. Learn to listen to the whispers of God over the megaphone of public opinion.
Icouldn’t find my phone anywhere
I’ d called it twenty times and searched every room of my parents’ beach home I knew it was nearby, yet no matter how hard I listened, I couldn’t hear a hint of a ring
Frustrated and fed up, I stopped in the kitchen and tried to think If I were a cell phone, where would I be? Did I accidentally throw it away like I’ve done before?
I checked the trash can, but it wasn’t there I ’d exhausted all my options I didn’t know what to try next
Then suddenly it hit me—maybe if I got the house totally quiet, I could hear better Since the air conditioner was creating a low hum, I turned it off Immediately the house grew still I knew I was on the right track
I called my phone again, and several seconds later, I heard a tiny, faint ring It was so light and barely perceptible that I questioned whether I was imagining it
Oddly enough, the ring seemed to originate below the house, which was built over a carport and a storage room I knew my phone wasn’t down there, so I dismissed the very thought
But after attempting several more calls, I heard that faint ring again coming from below the house It was an impossible thought because I hadn’t been down there all morning By this point, however, I was desperate enough to try anything
So, I walked out the front door of my parents’ beach home, certain this was a waste of time, and called my phone again T his time I didn’t have to listen hard because, much to my amazement the ring got louder!
I wasn’t crazy after all M y phone was below the house
It turned out that I was right about accidentally throwing my phone away in the trash Someone had then taken that morning’s trash bag outside for the collection L aughing at myself, yet totally grossed out, I dug out my device from a large pile of garbage
Not my finest moment, for sure, but at least I had my phone back!
In many ways, this story illustrates how God works in my life and yours We want His call to be loud and obvious, but it’s typically subtle We have to turn off all the background noise to catch it We doubt ourselves and wonder if we’re imagining things We think crazy possibilities—then quickly dismiss them We stay put instead of venturing out because venturing out requires us to leave our comfort zone
But there comes a point when we get so desperate that we’ll try anything We step outside the box to see if that faint call we heard from afar is real We open our heart and mind, listen once again, and voilà discover the answer is right under our nose
“He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.’ ”
(PSALM 46:10)
Our mind wasn’t playing tricks, after all Finally, it’s all so clear
Am I suggesting that God leads us to the garbage? No, of course not I ’m saying that God may lead us to unexpected places, venues we might never visit by our own volition
As we stay open to that possibility, trusting our instincts and testing out those far-fetched hunches, we get a clearer picture of the direction that God is nudging us toward
Your God-Shaped Hole
It started innocently enough, with a fantastic lavender dress that I bought to wear on Easter
I wanted my young daughters to wear white dresses, and since my oldest had recently experienced a growth spurt, we ran around town searching for a white dress that we agreed on
Reaching a compromise was painful T here were eye rolls, scowls, and tears inside many dressing rooms Maybe you can relate
At last, we found a dress for her—but then we needed shoes I also needed makeup and a host of other things to help our family look presentable on Easter morning
What started as a simple effort became a scavenger hunt as I traveled from store to store to store to assemble my family’s wardrobe
It was the middle of Holy Week when I was able to step outside myself and watch this frantic woman struggle to pull it together
Only then did I realize how I’d completely strayed from the whole point of Easter
Here I was, preparing for the biggest spiritual day of the year, and the overriding emotion inside me was emptiness and a lack of direction It wasn’t Jesus’s fault, of course, because this was all on me.
Rather than use the Easter season to reflect on Jesus and stare at the cross, I’d been staring at shopping carts I ’d let material pursuits distract me, and as a result, I felt deeply dissatisfied
What you should know is this: Inside all of us is a God-shaped hole that only God can fill. He created us for eternity, and that spiritual space represents our innate desire to deeply connect with Him
When we stuff earthly pleasures into that space—clothes, money, relationships, success—we grow unhappy We create a black hole of desire that can’t be quenched or satisfied T he more we have, the more we need
M y Easter shopping was a misguided attempt to fill my Godshaped hole I substituted my family’s outward presentation at church for spiritual growth, and the fit was completely off, like forcing a square peg into a round hole
Sometimes, however, what I stuff into my God-shaped hole works for a while It fills the gap temporarily I ’ll think I’m complete until suddenly, without warning, the void reopens, and suddenly I feel empty again
Think for a moment about your life W hat earthly pleasures do you stuff in your God-shaped hole? What distractions get you off track and lead you down rabbit holes?
God calls us to live a simple life H e knows that less is more Once our basic needs for food, shelter, and clothing are met, we shouldn’t need much These essentials should sustain us But do they? No W hy? Because we complicate things
We’ve been trained by culture to believe that the simple life isn’t enough More is never enough To be content is to settle and to settle is to get left behind
Why buy a twenty-dollar shirt when there are shirts for a hundred dollars? Why eat pasta when there is lobster? Why own one pair of designer jeans when we can own a dozen and be the best-dressed girl in town?
Chasing what the world considers important—fame, fortune, power, notoriety—creates unrest It sends us on wild goose chases for temporal things that can’t satisfy our aching need for more.
But the craving that never leaves you isn’t a craving for more stuff Actually, it’s a craving for more God
He designed you to seek Him H e gave you a heart for heaven
to draw you to your eternal home Even your best moments on earth can’t compare to the joy that awaits you in your final resting place
To tune out the world, tune in to God’s voice Cut back the noise, chaos, and busyness of your life that buffers you from Him
Remember how I had to make my parents’ beach home totally quiet to hear my phone? Well, your life works in a similar way When you eliminate distractions, you’re better able to hear God’s faintest calls
“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”
(PROVERBS 19:21)
He’ll tell you where to go next He’ll meet you where you are today But He won’t reveal His master plan at once Your spiritual journey is step-by-step, and it requires complete reliance on Him
Don’t worry if you don’t have your life mapped out H e has it covered, and His plan is always best G od may call you into unfamiliar territory, but He’ll never abandon you You are never alone (Joshua 1:9)
Your job is to be obedient To turn down the volume and noise around you so you can hear Him Eliminating external chatter allows God’s voice to break through It lets Him speak life over you
Are You Ready to Surrender?
It took me forty years to understand what surrendering to God means
I pray that you’ll be smarter than me I hope you’ll understand early why surrendering to Him isn’t a defeat It’s a victory.
In the Lord’s prayer we say, “Thy will be done ” Bu t do we embrace that in real life? Do we put God’s will over our will?
Not always You see, we humans are naturally selfish We tend to be control freaks—and we don’t like being told what to do
Like a child who runs off from his parents at the mall after he’s told he can’t eat Skittles for lunch, we can be very stubborn We get mad and run away
But like that child who gets separated from his parents, we get lonely and scared too We look around and realize the world is more confusing than it seemed S uddenly feeling lost, we regret our rash decision We wish for someone who has our back again
Life is hard, and trying to navigate life alone makes it feel impossible
Like you, perhaps, I’ve tried running away from God I ’ve gotten mad when a prayer wasn’t answered the way I wanted or when He allowed suffering to happen
What I discovered, however, was that distancing myself only hurt me It widened the gulf of my loneliness and fear
My big surrender came late in life and by necessity It happened during a stressful time as I begged for God’s help daily I couldn’t handle my problems alone I w as tired of trying, tired of being tough, tired of staying strong
What I really wanted to do was fall to my knees and cry
As I admitted my weakness—not in a single day, but over the course of several months—a massive burden lifted off my shoulders M y heart began to change, and the old dreams I had, inspired
by popular culture, transformed into new dreams inspired by God
I felt happier, lighter, and more true to myself
Surrendering to God isn’t a one- time event— it’s a daily choice I t’s a journey of self-forgetfulness Even if your stubborn streak kicks in, even if you temporarily run away, God will welcome you back W hen you come close to Him, He’ll come close to you
(James 4:8)
Are you ready for your journey of faith? Can you say, “Use me, Lord”? Will you chase big dreams with all your heart, yet leave the outcome to Him? Will you listen for His quiet voice to tell you what to do, even if you don’t understand at first?
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
(1 JOHN 1:9)
If you answered yes , then you’re ready to surrender You’re ready to show the world what you’ve got
Now the question is, “Is the world ready for you?”
Discussion Questions
1. How do you hear God’s voice in your life? When His call is faint, do you pay attention or dismiss it?
2. What earthly joys get stuffed into your Godshaped hole? Why can’t they satisfy you for long?
3. Have you ever run away from God? If so, what happened? Did your life get better, or did you wind up feeling too far away from home?
4. Th ink about the deepest peace you’ve ever felt. Can you see God’s presence in that situation?
5. Do you consider surrender to God a victory or defeat? Are you ready for Him to use you in mighty ways?
Conclusion
Now that you know the 10 Ultimate Truths . . . what will you do with them?
When my daughter was in first grade, she reached a milestone: She mastered the monkey bars on her school playground
When I picked her up that afternoon, she jumped into my car with a huge grin She was so proud of herself, and so was I As she shared details of her accomplishment, revealing how
scared she was since she didn’t feel capable, I realized the life applications
In kindergarten, she couldn’t make it past the second monkey bar She got so frustrated that she quit trying
But as her first-grade friends began mastering the bars, her interest got rekindled Watching them have fun inspired her to give it another shot
Before she started, she looked to the end of the monkey bars Noticing the distance made her sick to her stomach
“When you’re not doing it, you’re just thinking about it, and that’s when you get scared,” she said
But as she conquered that fear, she grabbed the first bar Then she grabbed the second bar
This is where self-doubt kicked in, because she’d never made it to the third bar before
Again, she looked ahead to the end of the monkey bars A nd again, her fear returned
“Then I realized something I never did before,” she told me, “that I need to try my best instead of giving up and dropping ”
It took a big burst of courage, but she stretched out her arm to reach for the third monkey bar—and made it!
Overcoming that obstacle was the turning point Su ddenly, with no fear, she swung to the end, propelled by sudden confidence
She kept thinking, I can’t believe I just did that! I can’t believe I just did that! I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT!
From that third monkey bar on, she had a great time She spent the rest of recess doing these bars over and over again
Conclusion
Too often in life, we let fear hold us back Like my daughter stuck at the second monkey bar, we venture no further than what feels safe
We look too far ahead, counting the obstacles between us and our goal And as our self-doubt kicks in, past failures come to mind
We feel sick to our stomach and ready to quit because we’re sure we’ve reached our limit
But through Christ, all things are possible (Philippians 4:13) When we push through fear with strength from Him, we find a freedom that is exhilarating and life changing
We look back and can’t believe what we accomplished We reach the end of one goal—and want another run!
Because once you’ve been propelled out of your comfort zone and into God’s territory, you’re hooked You can’t help but crave more
The joy of serving God often comes after you conquer an obstacle So, when you feel stuck at the second monkey bar, don’t expect elation Don’t expect to feel good in that moment of weakness
Joy comes as you survive what felt impossibly hard and look back with a sense of accomplishment
I didn’t think I could initiate that hard conversation . but I did it!
I didn’t think I could handle that interview . but I did well!
I didn’t think I could resist my ex-boyfriend’s charm as he tried to use me again . . . but I stood firm!
Your greatest power lies in the small choices you make daily If these choices don’t take you closer to God, then you’ll slowly drift away
A life that serves Him serves you well too It unlocks the power of the Holy Spirit and brings out your best
Your life will never be a perfect, predictable journey You’ll face plot twists and make mistakes Like every human, you’re only one step away from falling off a cliff Only one step away from looking like a fool
Thankfully, our God is a God of second chances He never runs out of patience with you or me Despite your shortcomings and limitations, He wants to use you He wants you to confidently reach for the next bar and stretch beyond your limits
So, open your heart and mind to Him Pray for courage, and use these 10 Ultimate Truths as guideposts to live an intentional Christian life:
1. Popularity
2. Confidence
3. Reputation
4. Interacting with boys
5. Self-worship
6. Perseverance
7. Patience
8. Image
9. In ner beauty
10. Sel f-talk
Jesus exists in the present So, when you feel scared, don’t dwell on past failures Don’t fixate on future fears by staring at the end of the monkey bars and feeling overwhelmed by the distance
Conclusion
Instead, focus on the bar in front of you Make the one choice you need to make now. After that, focus on the next bar, the next hurdle Pr ay for strength when you feel weak and just want to fall
As you live for the Lord, you’ll encourage others T hey’ll crave the peace and joy they see in you Like my daughter watching her friends ace the monkey bars, they’ll be inspired to take a chance T hey may face an old fear again
You’re here to positively impact others, so share the 10 Ultimate Truths with girls at your school Start a small group to study it together—or lead a small group for younger girls A s iron sharpens iron, you’ll sharpen each other (Proverbs 27:17) You’ll help each other become the best version of yourselves
There is freedom on the other side of fear and hope on the other side of doubt One great run with God is enough to get you hooked Trust me on this I promise it’s the truth
Notes
1 Lucy Notarantonio, “Fifth Grade Teacher Shares Powerful Lesson on Choosing the Right Friends,” Newsweek.com, June 22, 2025, https://www newsweek com/fifth-gr ade -teacher-shares-life-lesson-facebook-2087893
2 Dr T im Keller quotation, The Meaning of Marriage, Goodreads com, accessed February 25, 2026, https:// www goodreads com/quotes/9902863-screen-f irst-for -friendship-look-for-someone-w ho-understands-you
About the Author
Kari Kampakis is a n author and national speaker from Birmingham, Alabama He r bestselling books— Love Her Well, More Than a Mom , 10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know, Liked, and Is Your Daughter Ready?—have been used widely across the US for group studies, and her first devotional for teen girls, Yours, Not Hers: 40 Devotions to
Stop Comparisons and Love Your Life, released in January 2025
Kari’s work has been featured on the TODAY Show, TODAY Parents, Focus on the Family, EWTN, Bethany Hamilton’s Mother/Daughter
Experience, Live in Love with Annie Downs and Lauren Akins, Live with the Louhs, Yahoo! News, Grown & Flown, Faithgateway com, and other national outlets She also hosts the Girl Mom podcast Kari and her husband, Harry, have four daughters and a dog named Lola
Also from Kari Kampakis
With real-life stories and timeless truths, Liked helps girls trade our culture’s obsession with likes and followers for the approval of our loving God. This guidebook will help you …
• Be real and authentic.
• Build friendships that last.
• Be smart online—and use your voice for good.
• Live out your Christian faith.
Discover true confidence and authentic living in Yours, Not Hers. The devotions, reflection questions, and journaling will help you stop playing the comparison game and embrace the unique purpose God has for your life.
