Do I Just Say Yes to Everything?

by Montessori Family Life Webinars

Have you heard that you should use positive language with your child? Positive language is often interpreted to mean just saying yes, yet really it means wording things in a way to offer specific guidance and tells children what to do. When we begin to consider it this way, we realize how often we tell what not to do, rather than what to do.

Positive language tells children why and how to do certain things. It is a communication strategy that avoids using the words no, don’t, and stop. When we implement this communication strategy with children, we offer specific guidance; reduce stress and fear; and boost confidence, understanding, and empowerment.

Positive language has some long-term positives:

• It respects the independence and the ability of children to manage themselves.

• It accepts the other person as an equal human being.

• It reduces triggering defiance or anxiety.

• It creates moments of collaboration, creativity, and stillness.

• It models the leadership principle that not one of us is as smart as all of us.

Consider “yes, and…” rather than simply yes or no. Find a connection with the issue: “You want the red ball your sister has. That is a fun toy.” Then help them understand your shared agreements: “In this family, we make choices from the toys that are available.” Offer a possible solution: “You could use the blue ball or play with another toy.”

Here are some “to do” phrases ready for when you need them:

Say This Instead of…

Take a deep breath. > Calm down.

I can see this is frustrating you. > Stop crying.

It’s okay to feel sad. > Don’t get upset.

Are you okay? > You’re okay.

Please use a soft voice. > Be quiet.

I can see you want to talk. > Stop interrupting.

I can understand you better if you… > Stop whining.

This article was based on a webinar titled “What Do You Want Me to Do? Telling Your Child What to Do Rather than What Not to Do,” presented in October 2022.