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Verbal verbotens
By Ellen Snortland Pasadena Weekly Columnist
IMHO, Americans need all sorts of etiquette lessons these days. Let’s start with how we communicate.
Lesson No. 1: Clarity — do not assume people know what your acronym means
Use complete phrases instead of acronyms until you know that you and your listener or reader have a shared acronym vocabulary. For example, using IMHO, “In My Humble Opinion,” is a minor verbal misdemeanor. This kind of “shorthand” happens in business cultures or any culture that uses acronyms; however, unconsciously assuming everyone knows what you’re talking about is a good way to lose listeners. United Nations people are notorious for using esoteric combinations of abbreviations.
Lesson No. 2: Diseases — refrain from sharing your ideas about said illness
For goodness’ sake, when someone tells you about their disease or condition, please don’t launch into how your Aunt Pauline died of that very same malady. Or how you’ve heard that colloidal silver cures it. Or your viewpoint of what caused it in the first place. Didn’t your parents tell you that was rude? Or maybe they did it themselves.
My late friend Robin had a T-shirt created that read: “Kindly refrain from telling me about your relative’s cancer or any sentences that begin with ‘Have you tried (fill in the blank)?’ or ‘You should try (fill in the blank)!’” These manners extend to the loved ones of the afflicted person, who also don’t want to hear your opinions, suggestions or prescriptions.
Most people I know dealing with a serious illness have left no stone unturned regarding their treatment before landing on a treatment plan involving a professional or someone they entrust with their most intimate details. If they go the alternative medicine route, they really do not want your unsolicited ideas about what they “should” do instead. Unless the person specifically asks you a direct question like, “What do you think I should do about my disease?”, zip it.
Lesson No. 3: Food — refrain from giving me your food opinions, and I will refrain from giving you mine!
Is it just in California, or do people in other parts of the country feel compelled to lecture a meal companion about how bad (fill in the blank) is for you? I call a personal foul: off-limits!
For instance, don’t tell me about a lame-brained “study” you found on the web about Splenda. I have done my own research and have proof that the sugar industry planted fears about artificial sweeteners, primarily with bogus studies they paid for. Follow the money!
Who stands to profit from terrifying people about artificial sweeteners? Huge food conglomerates? Corn farmers? (Corn syrup is as bad as sugar — or worse) Big Sugar? Yes, I used the term Big Sugar because there’s a lot of evidence that the sugar industry is as corrupt as the Big Tobacco cabal was. (For more on that, read the eye-opening 1972 book “Pure, White and Deadly” by John Yudkin.) Did you like reading this screed? Probably not. Nor do I want to hear anyone scold me about what I put in my mouth. Just. Stop. It.
Lesson No. 4: One-upping — don’t play ‘Top This,’ OK?
We were at a New Year’s Eve party when a woman with cleavage so white and deep that I thought I was looking at a white plumber’s butt sat down to chat. A friend introduced me to Ms. Plunging Neckline; let’s call her “Liz.” My friend was effusively discussing me and my achievements. Liz responded by saying, “What a pleasure to meet such an accomplished person. But I’ll bet you can’t top this: I’ve ridden a bull. Have you?”
“No,” I said, “but I’ve castrated a few calves.” The men in the group laughed and covered their groins. The women checked their own tops for décolletage comparisons and laughed heartily at my comeback. I smiled. Hey, grow up on a ranch and you’ve probably done a few things that aren’t generally mentioned in mixed company.
Don’t play “Top This” with people you’ve just met, or it’s a good bet they will make a beeline for someone else. Liz should have stopped while she was ahead, before she challenged me with the bull. She had already “topped” all of us with her chest, which she knew stopped traffic.
Lesson No. 5: Circumspection — be careful about what comes out of your mouth
We once saw a woman wearing a T-shirt that said, “Be careful what you say. You may end up in my novel.” I want one that warns, “You may end up in my column.” Anything you say and do can be used. Hey, where do you think writers get their ideas? Is this a verbal manners violation? Not in my world!
The moral of these lessons might be remembering to ask yourself, “Is what this person has told me or what she’s doing any of my business?” If the honest answer is “no,” then nip it. Or, if you know someone who is a chronic unsolicited advice giver, clip this column and send it to them… you’re welcome!.
Ellen Snortland has written this column for decades and also teaches creative writing. She can be reached at ellen@beautybitesbeast.com. Her award-winning film “Beauty Bites Beast” is available for download or streaming at vimeo.com/ondemand/beautybitesbeast.
