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849 Arizona taxpayers had a curious impulse

BY DAVID LEIBOWITZ Peoria Times Columnist

Somewhere in this sprawling state of ours, there are precisely 849 people that I would like to meet. I’ll buy a cup of coffee, a beer, lunch, steak dinner for two. Whatever it takes to have one of these 849 individuals sit down with me for a few minutes, the length of a simple conversation.

Those of you who understand text messaging shorthand will appreciate the single question I intend to use as an icebreaker.

WTF?

Some circumstances in life require such a blunt approach, because they are so stupefying, so insane, they defy all logic. Truth be told, while I do not condone murder, there are circumstances where I understand what the murderer was thinking. But these 849 Arizonans? I haven’t a clue.

Each year on our Arizona tax returns, a number of boxes appear that allow taxpayers to make voluntary gifts. You can donate to the Special Olympics, to prevent child abuse, to support veterans in need. Then there’s the box that 849 people checked last year, making voluntary donations that totaled $25,735.

That would be the state revenuers’ I Did Not Pay Enough taxes fund.

I want to know — no, I need to know — what these 849 people were thinking.

All day, I’ve tried to imagine Joe and Jane Arizona at the kitchen table, tax documents spread out, sweating over their state 140A form.

Joe: “Dammit, looks like we’ve got a refund coming to us again. How do you want to handle that?”

Jane: “I guess we could take the grandkids to Outback. They love that Bloomin’ Onion.”

Joe: “Oh, hey, here’s an idea. The state government only collected $24 billion in tax revenue last year. Let’s give it to them!”

Jane: “Now that’s good thinking, sweets. Either that or we can donate it to Jeff Bezos. Maybe he can buy more scalp.”

These 849 neighbors of ours represent a record number of donors to the I Did Not Pay Enough fund, established in 2010 by that noted band of deep thinkers, the Arizona Legislature. According to a recent story in the Phoenix Business Journal, the fund has collected about $185,000 total — or about $185,000 more than anyone would have predicted.

Look, I understand that Arizona is a relatively low-tax state, especially compared to California, which taxes top earners at more than 13% of annual income versus Arizona’s top rate of 4.5%.

But gifting the government more money? Voluntarily? I don’t get it, especially when you consider that we collectively paid $14.2 billion in state sales tax last year and another $8.3 billion in state income tax. And that was before recreational marijuana tax-

SEE IMPULSE PAGE 8

Didja hear? It’s the ‘year of living dangerously’

BY J.D. HAYWORTH Peoria Times Columnist

Comedian Robert Klein offers a lament for laughs, regretting that life does not come with an audible soundtrack.

He jokes that we would be spared mistakes, mishaps and maybe even an “apocalyptic occurrence” (gasp!) if only we could hear foreboding music to warn us.

You can be forgiven if current events have your “internal speakers” blaring a certain song.

Based on the tenor and tone of developments over recent months, perhaps you’ve been hearing an “age-appropriate” tune of doom in your own mind.

Based on a very limited survey conducted exclusively for this column, it seems that “Star Trek” enthusiasts of the baby boomer generation hear the threatening “BAHHM-bum-bum-bum-bumbuh-BAHHM” that would inevitably usher the audience into a commercial break as Capt. Kirk and crew confronted the latest peril unfolding in the plot of that episode.

Curiously, the melodic “theme of undoing” for the American left enjoys a wide but weird appeal across all demographic groups who share that political ideology, even though it permeated the collective consciousness of our culture in the monochromatic mid-20th century.

It’s the “Dragnet” theme, with those unmistakably ominous opening notes, now updated with a one-word lyric: “TRUMP-Trump-Trump-Trump! TRUMP-Trump-Trump-TrumpTRUMP!”

And, just as Jack Webb revised and reintroduced “Dragnet” in living color for NBC in the late ’60s, so, too, does the left fear that Donald Trump will return as a “21st Century Grover Cleveland…” only this time as a Republican, employing a makeup artist who was trained using the “golden tan” pancake, so prevalent in the colorful productions emanating from “Beautiful Downtown Burbank” decades ago.

The memory of “Mister Rogers,” on loan from his estate and PBS, courtesy of the generosity of taxpayers (and perhaps “viewers like you”) might put it this way: “Can you say 45th and 47th presidents of the United States? Sure you can! No worries for you, King Friday. … After all, you rule the ‘Neighborhood of Make Believe!’ But for our friends’ parents and their Volvo-driving pals, this is all too real!”

Of course, on the other side of the political street, the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue prompts fears that are also all too real — not to mention contemporaneous. Conservatives are often accused of a desire to “turn the clock back,” but based on the current calamitous atmosphere in the USA, who can blame them?

With war raging in Europe, runaway inflation here at home, and our southern border still wide open as an “invitation for invasion,” what’s a right-winger to do?

You guessed it: “Turn back the clock,” but with a high-tech twist.

Since late-night network television has abandoned any pretense of even-handed political humor — must as their news divisions have deserted any efforts at objective journalism — con-

AROUND THE BLUHMIN’ TOWN The nation’s budget is mind boggling

BY JUDY BLUHM Peoria Times Columnist

Brother, can you spare a dime? Actually, $30 trillion might help. The national debt boggles the mind and is causing panic in the hearts of citizens throughout the land. It seems our government has been printing and spending lots of money. And yes, both political parties seem to enjoy this folly. One day, we might have to “face the music” and the tune doesn’t sound real pretty. And just because we are “in the red” doesn’t mean we still can’t spend the green.

If we use last year’s national budget as an indicator of how money can be wasted, read on. Did you know that $15,600 had been set aside just for waffle irons for the congressional dining room? Put me in charge of acquisitions and I’ll go to the local thrift store and pick up a few used waffle irons that may cost $20. Better yet, why not serve pancakes to all those politicians? There may be less “waffling” on issues.

Dear readers, can we really trust the mental giants who are running this country if they have to eat waffles in the morning? That’s not even grown-up food!

Why does it cost $135,350 for brass polish for the Marine Corps band that serves the White House? I am not making this up. Little did we know that polish is part of the defense budget. We all recognize the importance of shiny trumpets and trombones, but I think a cheap solution of baking powder could do the trick. Who would have guessed that our “top brass” would have to spend so much, when a little spit and a soft cloth is all that’s required?

I think the aroma of one big pork roast is coming out of the budget report. There are all sorts of stupid (oops, I mean interesting) projects that our government likes supporting. Hey, we’re all paying for this “pork-fest,” so maybe we need to ask questions. Like why is $9 million being spent to study alcohol consumption on college campuses. I have a better idea, let’s just watch TikTok for a few days during spring break and (for free) we might see everything we’ve ever wanted to know.

Someone suggested that we spend $100 million for the psychiatrists who need to check out our politicians who think frivolous spending is helpful and send each member of Congress to a class on “basic accounting.”

There’s a deficit alright, and it’s in the brains of some of our leaders who think they can spend on crazy items. Sadly, the “pork-fest” is nothing new. I want to get a job for our government. I may not have any experience in spending billions, but I do like to shop.

Hey, what’s an average taxpayer to do? Put a few pork chops in the oven and have a big glass of wine (maybe a bottle of Pepto Bismol). Oh, did I mention that there’s a little cash (just a few million) that has been allocated to study the sex habits of scorpions and the effects of alcohol on bees? Sounds like a “sting operation” to me. PT

Judy Bluhm is a writer and a local Realtor. Have a story or a comment? Email Judy at judy@ judybluhm.com.

IMPULSE FROM PAGE 7 es really ramped up — $116 million contributed to the state in six months last year — and before the legalization of sports betting statewide in September 2021.

Toss in a few billion extra dollars from the feds in COVID-19 relief funds, and the state is looking Bezosstyle wealthy, even as inflation bites residents hard.

To my way of thinking, checking the I Didn’t Pay Enough box is like seeing a family of homeless people in need seeking donations at a stoplight, reaching into your pocket and handing a few crumpled singles to the guy in the Porsche next to you. He was doing just fine, thanks.

At least one of these 849 people should sit for an interview to explain their thought process, and I want to be the guy. Then again, maybe a free meal isn’t much of an inducement to these folks.

How about we go out to eat, we chat and you pay the check? Since all 849 of you clearly have more money than you know what to do with. PT

BE DEBT FREE IN 24–48 MONTHS!

If you owe more than $10,000 in credit card or other debt, see how we can help.

DANGEROUSLY FROM PAGE 7 servatives will come up with their own internet video parodies, provided they likewise find “safe” media platforms, untouched by the freedom-killing coma of “wokeness.”

Rumor has it that an ambitious creative offering is “in development,” led by a couple of logical candidates. They wish to remain unnamed, pointing out that they are now grandfathers who earned their comic chops in the that’snot-funny-that’s-gross heyday of “National Lampoon.”

With a proposed theme song set to the tune of “Petticoat Junction,” get ready for “District of Corruption!”

“Come ride the Amtrak Train that is heavily subsidized… to the district…

“It’s a real short ride, but expensive just the same… in the district…

“Lotsa deals you bet… more big bucks than you ever thought you’d get… in the district!

“District of Corruption!

There’s a big White House on P-A Avenue in the district…in reality it’s run by a leftist few in the district…

And there’s confused ol’ Joe… still hopin’ he can make more dough in the district… District of Corruption!”

So, why the burst of “conservative creativity” amid all the doom and gloom?

Simple.

You gotta laugh to keep from crying.

GAMBLE’S OPINION — King Features

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