Tiger Newspaper April Fools Issue 2018

What if Spring Break lasted forever? WTH!? XD TEAMORROW

TOP ZINE FOR TIGER TEENS!

HOW SHE GOT THE JOB!

CAMPUS GOSSIP!?

BASEBALL WINS A GAME!?

The SPHS baseball team reigned victorious in last week’s game, shockin g all four spectators in attendance.

Speck

“Hmmm Can yo ... u put y o phone away? ur

STRANGE

REVENGE DECLARED #WatchOutAdam

DOG SPOTTED !

Ghosts!? :O in the

MCGOUGH WIN MR. UNIVERSE!S

The AP Calculus and Math 3+ teacher benched against Arnold Sch warzenegger himself, taking the top title of the bodybuilding competition and attributing his success to nearly a year now of canned baby foo d hauls.

BOBA VS BOBA!

Smushy balls of tapioca were seen hurling acros s Mission Street early this morning as senior Lily Turner-Kipke of Teamorrow was seen throw ing two gallons of tiramisu cream against Simplee Boba senior Hannah Lee’s furious egg waffles.

#ROBBED

bathroom?

Y

“Why I didn’t win Best Dressed Senior!”

ou’ve heard the rumors. You’ve smelled the smells –– faintly of creme brulee, perhaps, or a cool mint. You’ve maybe even seen an eerie green light or a puff of smoke out of the boys’ bathroom window. Is it an e-cigarette? Is it a ghost?

Tiger Beat Staff set out to investigate the alleged paranormal activity happening right on our campus. Despite admin efforts to keep the ghouls under wrap, we got right to the bottom of this mystery.

Our informant described feeling lightheaded and relaxed after the spirit appeared to him.

We enlisted the help of ghost hunters Ryan and Shane of the web-series “Buzzfeed Unsolved” to get to the bottom of the question: are ghosts real, or are they water vapor? We set up EVP recorders and infrared cameras to try to catch the creature. They were quickly taken down because it’s illegal to record in a bathroom, but we managed to catch a snippet of the ghost’s call.

JAYDEN

Fresh edits!

Ameen

“JUuuuUUUuuuuL… juuuuUuUUUUuuuL… juuuuUUuuuUUUuL!” They also caught some passing chatter from students: “Can I hit it bruh?” but this is likely unrelated.

NIC & VIC...

ER!?

BACK TOGETH

Amyth...

Alegend...

It is believed the ghost was a baker in its past life. Any information about the spirit’s origin or nature should be passed on to campus Ghostbuster, David Speck. xoxo - teenzinequeen

Get ready for a dank fest ivus!

Ava

“HOW I GOT THE PRINCIPAL’S AWARD”

handle!

WARNING! This issue is gonna be too hot to

02

TIGER BEAT APRIL FOOLS 2018

#snakefew

Srisutham takes over PA Announcements with AS(B)MR

Student Still in Line From Free Pizza Day STORY PRINCESS MEOWMEOW, lonely freshmeat PHOTO AN ARTIST IMPOSTER The best applesauce manufacturer The recently opened Blaze Pizza has proven that they can contribute more to South Pasadena than their fresh, innovative pizzas. In fact, passersby reported to have seen the body of a South Pasadena High School student lying on the cold concrete sidewalk in front of Blaze.

The emaciated body, authorities reported, was clenching tightly to an expired Blaze “buy-oneget-one-free” coupon, in a feeble last attempt at getting a discount on their prevailing createyour-own pizzas. The cause of this unfortunate student’s death is unconfirmed, however, under extensive investigation, authorities have reason to believe that the student’s death was due to Blaze’s long lines.

SRISUTHAM STRATEGICALLY STRIKES STORY ESPRESSO ANON MEMBER, overcaffeinated and in denial & SLIPPERY, Like a Fish

popcorn with her classic gavel PHOTO CEO MINDSET, twitter fingers

“Cronch. Blip. Pop. Crackle. Snap. ZzzzziiiiiiP. Chortle. blapple. Click. Slish. Snip. Whizz. Zip. Zing. Tic-Toc.”

The performance was the first debut exhibition of the pairing’s effort to utilize Srisutham’s talent and improve school culture, an area of improvement identified by WASC last year.

You look up from your 10:10 a.m. nap amidst a lesson on torque (or Greece –– you weren’t paying attention). What’s that sound? The crackle of the PA system. You start to doze off again, expecting news about overpriced boba or sports games you don’t care about, but SUDDENLY soothing whispers emanate throughout the room.

“It’s always an effort for us as admins to help out with student stress in a hip and cool way,” Janderson said.

“Then one of the other Janets showed me this sick ASMR mermaid-eating video. I looked it up and it popped up on urban dictionary, so I knew this was de wey to relax wit de youth.”

It’s Nicole Srisutham, ASB Head Honcho and successful ASMR YouTuber. Her latest masterpiece converges her two identities of gavel-toting queen and A(SM)Rtist in an effort to soothe the restless student body.

With commission elections fast-approaching, Srisutham is already preparing a legacy for her successor. Further developments are expected to be made in this new ASMR direction, including a new whispered safety video and a significantly crunchier fire alarm.

Srisutham and protegee Janderson were recently spotted practicing their extraneous routine in the SAC room. The master and young grasshopper were surrounded by vessels of slime and bowls of freshly-stale hazelnuts.

For now, though, ends the performance in a soft, lulling whisper of, *have a ssssrisssssuthaaaam dayy.* And you return to your nap, much more soothed.

SUPREME COMMANDERSON JANDERSON declares martial law STORY ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX, the two-headed, three-armed ex-hippie and totally out-to-lunch president of the galaxy Students were interrupted from their everyday routines on March 20 when Principal Janet Anderson unexpectedly drove a military-grade tank onto the senior lawn and demanded absolute power over the high school. This shocking turn of events began one week earlier when Anderson uncovered a malicious ploy by seniors Hank Rainey and Nick Corvino to pelt the freshman class with water balloons on the day of her beloved holiday, Festivus.

“I was just very frazzled to discover that these hoodlums planned to ruin my favorite time of the year,” Anderson said.

“The only logical thing to do was protect Festivus with deadly force.”

Changing her title to the Supreme Commanderson Janderson, the now glorious overlord put into motion a military coup.

After blacklisting Rainey and Corvino, her first target was the free press, which she conquered in the Siege of 615 on the March 19. Prisoners, including advisor Mike Hogan and Editor in Chief Riley Segal, were sentenced to ten years in a military prison. With Tiger out of the way and Copa being ineffective as usual, the road to complete dominance of South Pasadena High was easy. Soon, Supreme Commanderson Janderson declared that from this day on, every day would be Festivus.

From now on, students will march into the high school every day before lining up in the freshman seating area. There, they will find Janderson flanked by her two grand generals, Janet Wichman and David “Janet” Speck. Our Supreme Commanderson will then spend the next seven hours bestowing cheap

prizes to students with the 1980s B-52 song “Love Shack” playing on repeat. Failure to comply to this new schedule will mean arrest at the hands of Speck’s Super Duper Secret Service.

Countless high school fundraisers and events have been relentlessly held at Blaze since its grand opening, prompting the parlor’s wait line to exponentially increase with each passing day.

However, it is believed that the student was a patron of the Free Pizza Day promotion from September.

The student, unfortunately, was caught unprepared by the recent downpour and the endless, winding line down Fair Oaks Avenue. Not discouraged, he stepped into the line with a blazing school spirit and passion for pizza. The line gradually shortened until South Pasadena Middle School was in sight. After waiting incessantly for 18 hours, the student shakily reached the front of the line at 11:01 p.m., one minute past the parlor’s closing time.

Soaked to the bone and shivering from hunger, the student collapsed on the sidewalk as his body finally gave out. He was discovered dead the next morning by Blaze’s manager.

“This death has devastated the Blaze pizza family,” the local Blaze manager said, “and to prevent this from reoccurring in the future, we have created Blaze Pizza Fast Passes — similar to the ones you find at Disneyland — simply buy a membership for a mere ninety-nine ninetynine plus tax and you can beat the lines without dying!”

The student’s funeral will be held at Blaze on April 1. Blaze will be selling their fast passes as well as distributing free pizzas and buy-one-getone-free coupons in memory of this student’s unfortunate death.

“In the event of an arrest you may feel nervous, a fast heart rate, scared, zoned out, or unable to focus,” says Speck, “Training is necessary.”

Since martial law was placed over the school, Janderson has ruled with an iron fist, but some people were not ready to have their freedom taken away. A resistance has formed in the depths of Roosevelt Field and is actively fighting against the Supreme Commanderson. Armed with water balloons, this organization has been staging guerilla warfare style raids on Speck’s Super Duper Secret Service in and around the gym.

They have already liberated the baseball field and don’t plan to stop there. We recently interviewed the leader of this rebellion, whose name will remain secret to protect their identity and is definitely not senior Jasper Lee. “This is not the first coup that I’ve planned and if the people in charge keep taking away our rights it won’t be the last,” Lee most certainly did not say as she did not load an arsenal of water balloons, “Trust me, we will burn the Supreme Commanderson down.”

How the resistance plans to burn Supreme Commanderson Janderson down with balloons filled with water remains to be seen, but without a doubt, tension is building in the new military dictatorship of SPHS. For more coverage of the rise and/or impending doom of the Janderson regime, keep your eyes on Tiger Beat, which the Supreme Commanderson assures is the number one most factual and accurate newspaper ever. Period.

FAST-FIRED PIZZA led to the demise of a hopeful student.

TIGER BEAT 03 APRIL FOOLS, 2018

Tiger Beat

We know that your’re only here for the

ESTABLISHED 2019

e3s &

KID’S CHOICE AWARD 2012 CSPA ALUMINUM METALIST 2015 PULITZER FOR EDITORIAL WRITING 2018

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF NOT SAD, JUST TIRED, #1 sister #2 favorite child CROUCHING JEW, hidden jewl CONVERSE, KHAKIS, LONG SLEEVE SHIRT, Legendary Planeswalker TEEN ZINE QUEEN, Femineer ASIAN KATE HUDSON, The only things I have to offer are bronchitis and fake news PLAIN “MEHOI” JANE, Plain “Mehoi” Jane MANAGING EDITORS WELL, ACUTALLY, guiness world record holder for largest bite WET THESAURUS, ira glass impersonator

rav0o5

L

SPECIA

ION !!!

EDIT SPMS

BEES

BRAVOOS

BEE to LACHSA for rejecting my application.

Bravoo to Mr. Larson for his sick movez. And for introducing me to Africa by Toto.

BEE to Mrs. toMpkins for not letting Me in the play

BEE to PE shorts. they’re too big!

BEE to benchings!! Mr. Yim is so mean!!

Bravoo to ms. simonian cuz she’s better than bkorn. I don’t agree with this one Bravoo to sixth grade swag! I love her moves!

Bravoo to Gangnam Style

NEWS ESPRESSO ANON MEMBER, overcaffeinated and in denial HATCHET, writer OPINION REGRETBUTLER@GMAIL.COM, token freshman F U P A, Lord of the Vapes FEATURE ERRVERYBODY, shutup cole FAKE JEW, Retired Sand Box Interrogator SPORTS SUNSCREEN, professional conversation starter ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL, gambler DESIGN JARED, 19 years old, never freaking learned how to read ELADY, 1/5th of the Ladies PHOTOGRAPHY MELK BOY, #socialmediainfluencer AN ARTIST IMPOSTER, The best applesauce manufacturer

LIBERAL GROUPTHINK DOUBLEPLUSGOOD SIGNED AND UNSIGNED ARTICLES APPEARING IN TIGER BEAT REPRESENT THE WRITER’S OPINIONS AND ALSO REFLECT THE VIEWS OF STUDENT BODY OF SPHS, BUT DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF THE STAFF, FACULTY, OR ADMINISTRATION OF SPHS. #deletefacebook

STAFF WRITERS COCONUT SHRIMP, hippie politician ILLIANDER CORMUN BOSTWILTH THE 4023TH, Closet Monarchist ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX, the two-headed, three-armed ex-hippie and totally out-to-lunch president of the galaxy FIRST DAUGHTER OF SOUTH PASADENA, Can I pet your dog?

PRINCESS MEOWMEOW, Lonely freshmeat BLUE EYES, White Privilege FIRST NAME COMMA LAST NAME, Description PATHOLOGICAL PROCRASTINAOR, “... but it’s okay” YUSHMAN, fashion icon PHOTOGRAPHERS BASICALLY A CIF CHAMP, living vicariously through the SPHS Girls’ Soccer team FIRST NAME COMMA LAST NAME, Descrption CEO MINDSET, Twitter Fingers ILLUSTRATORS POTASSIUM PRINCESS, Best Snapchatter Legally By Law GRAPHIC DESIGNER SLIPPERY, like a fish VIDEOGRAPHER SERGEI, Professional Slav Squatter MANAGERS THE BETTER TWIN, Official Parent Trapper LULAMEE, Ball of Sunshine WEBMASTER INDECISIVE BOI, [INSERT INSIDE JOKE HERE] FACULTY ADVISOR MIKE HOGAN VOL. 1 NO. 1 DISTRIBUTED ON MAR 30, 2018.

DISTRIBUTION: 149981 STUDENTS; 70 COMMUNITY. 1600 COPIES PRINTED. DISTRIBUTED

BY TIGER BEAT STAFF SLAVES FREE OF CHARGE. OVER 9000 IMAGINARY COPIES.

TIGER BEAT IS PRODUCED BY LIBERALS. TIGER BEAT’S MISSION IS TO PROVIDE A FAKE NEWS OUTLET FOR SPHS AND THE LOCAL COMMUNITY. THROUGH A VARIETY OF COVERAGE, TIGER BEAT EMPOWERS/ENABLES STUDENTS TO BROWSE MEMES WHILE PRETENDING TO WORK. TIGER BEAT IS A FORUM FOR THINLY VEILED LIBERAL PROPAGANDA, IN ACCORDANCE WITH CALIFORNIA ED CODE. PLEASE LIKE, SHARE, AND SUBSCRIBE FOR MORE DANK MAYMAYS FROM IFUNNY.COM THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP. PLEASE WAKE ME UP INSIDE WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDS. THE REAL STUFF: TIGER BEAT IS A SPECIAL APRIL FOOLS EDITION, PUBLISHED BY THE ADVANCED JOURNALISM NEWSPAPER CLASS AT SOUTH PASADENA HIGH SCHOOL, 1401 FREMONT AVE., SOUTH PASADENA, CA 91030. TIGER BEAT IS INTENDED ENTIRELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES AND IN NO WAY REFLECTS THE VIEWS OF THE STAFF, STUDENT BODY, OR THE ADMINISTRATION OF SPHS.

I’m an activist, here’s why Every time I utilize a trending hashtag, I know that tweet means getting one step closer to changing the world –– and lets everyone know just how woke I am.

If you couldn’t tell from the safety pin proudly attached to my lapel, I am an activist. Didn’t you see me at the Women’s March?

I was yelling and chanting! THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE! Lena Dunham is my spirit animal and I have a poster of Justin Trudeau hanging on my contemporary apartment walls in a gentrified neighborhood. Talking about issues that have been going on in the world (aka anything that Stephen Colbert talked about in his opening monologue) is my identity.

The colorful stickers on my laptop often start conversation and show my abundance of knowledge about relevant political issues. Of course my outfit is never complete without my pink cat-eared beanie, because I LOVE women. Visit my Facebook page (my cover photo is Obama) to see all the articles I’ve shared about my wokeness and how you should be woke too. Pantsuit nation is MY LIFE <3333!!!

Look no further than my extremely short bangs and Twitter account for more evidence that I’m woker than thou. (But don’t have any sort of conversation with me about intersectionality.

I think it’s a waste of time — my Black friends still like all my Instagram posts!) Yeah, okay, all of my extended family did vote for Trump. And yeah, I’ve never confronted them about it. But I would never risk my status as a confirmed woke, $6 cold-pressed juice drinking vegan to tell you that. Don’t worry, I recycle the containers!

Through my experience as an activist I found that I can never have too many ways to publicize my beliefs. On Instagram, I make my activism known with a bio that reads “18//LA// feminist//fist emojis of different shades//victim of wanderlust.”

You can also see all my posts from going to as many marches as I can and how every single one has a trendy picture of me and my friends posing with our signs. Catch me protesting every other day, when it’s convenient and the cause is nonthreatening to the hard-working police, of course. My friends and I spend hours on our signs, trying to think of slogans that’ll get us noticed by Buzzfeed. If they’re edgy enough, maybe even Vice! Some of my faves have been “I should be at brunch right now,” “girls just wanna have FUNdamental rights,” and of course, “the future is female.” I’m also sure to post every march on Snapchat. Marches, after all, are the only time I take public transportation (I usually use Lyft, because I saw something about how Uber was problematic). I don’t know, it’s nice to be sort of, like, anti-capitalist.

I think everyone should be an activist. It’s easy! Just eat a plantbased diet, buy organic, buy a S’well reusable water bottle, retweet everything Oprah says, post a lot of “self love” pics, buy an infinity scarf, drink a lot of kombucha, start a blog, adopt a rescue, buy some succulents, and start a Facebook countdown of the days until The Cheeto in Chief leaves office. #Oprah2020

TIGER BEAT

04 APRIL FOOLS 2018

OCCUPY DEMOCRATS

DO YOU KNO DE WAE?

A Roadrunner's story of oppression The misunderstood elite of South Pasadena are the true victims STORY AIlliander Cormun Bostwilth the 4023th, Closet Monarchist ILLUSTRATION Coconut Shrimp, hippie politician

I

am oppressed. Not just me, but all graduates of the most elite, greatest elementary within not just the South Pasadena Unified School District, but all of Southern California: Monterey Hills Elementary School.

Consider, if you would, the greatest of all sins (likely perpetrated by a conspiracy helmed by the Arroyo-Marengo United Allied Brotherhood Axis of Evil): the lack of cell service! Many times have I been visiting my old alma mater, that institution of which I am most proud to have attended, when I find my phone unable to call, text, to engage in even the most basic of meme-based function!

“It’s because of the terrain,” they say, “It’s block service,” but I know better!

Then there are the roads! Either they are clogged or completely empty - some say this is because of the school, but they lie! It is clear that the Ar-Mar Bros, as I have come to call them, make use of ancient rituals and interdimensional lizard-person technology to intentionally obstruct my path to school! And this is only the beginning, what about the old Kindergarten playground!? Hidden behind the trees and a fence –– why? Because THEY are trying to hypnotize our precious youth!

Converting them into servants of the Illuminati!

And what about the physical education!? Mr. Millar would press all of his fifth graders into neardaily mile runs, push-ups, sit-ups, and a myriad of back-breaking, horrific exercises designed only to drain students of their will to live!! The Lizard-backed Conspiracy has reached into the highest levels of administration, rampant Pokemon card confiscations violate the most basic Student freedoms!!! They have stripped us of our tetherball courts and force us into a choice less diverse than any given American Election –– Soccer or Kickball they say, and only the brave can reject those and are forced onto the Handball courts to be attacked rudely by rogue soccer balls and rubber kickballs!!

No one acknowledges the horrors we have had to endure. They mock us, they say we’re “inbred,” that we breed the weirdest kids of all. The single binding factor of the Arroyo-Marengo brotherhood is their belief that Monterey Hills is the worst of all three.

How can we combat such wretched oppression?!

How can we, the best and the brightest of South Pasadena, protect ourselves and the future Monterites from the wicked machinations of our most despised foes!? Simple: we must fight fire with fire –– trans-dimensional intergalactic lizard technology with trans-dimensional intergalactic lizard technology! We must ready ourselves against the tide of monstrous oppressions, protect ourselves from the kinds of horrors that only the Book of Revelations could have predicted!

Reliving SPHS memories

watermelon

WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB▲

STORY TEEN ZINE QUEEN, Femineer ILLUSTRATION First Name comma Last Name, Description My time at South Pasadena is almost coming to a close, and as a second semester senior, I love looking back fondly on my best memories. These four years have provided me so much laughter and fun. I’ve never felt stressed before because I have 60 seconds and the best of friends. It makes me so sad to know that graduation is only two months away. I decided to look back on the best moments of my four years and share them with all of you! Of course, my favorite day of every year is the SPEX assembly, but these are all close seconds and thirds.

My freshman year, ASB coordinated a schoolwide Pee your Pants 2k14 to relieve ourselves after finals. When the bell rang after the sixth period final, we all let go at once.

Walking through campus with a wet butt really showed our inTIGERity! One time in Chinese class, the clock broke and we ended up staying in there from 10:00 A.M. to 11:40 A.M. the next day! Time really flies when you’re watching Shaolin Soccer on repeat.

Sophomore year, who could forget the day that our moonshine finally fermented in Mr. Golden's class! I miss him so much. That was

pyright Don't co pls thx strike us

Ur Mom have big Bay lol

also the year that I first understood my ability to make a difference in my community, when my third period math class staged a hunger strike against Ms DeLacey after she burned all of our phones. No amount of Y&G could have taught me the importance of peaceful protest.

Everyone says that junior year is the hardest year. I agree! I remember when the seniors let a live bear loose on campus for the senior prank, and we were on lockdown for a week. It was hard to study for the SAT when I was fending for my life! Mr. Jontz finally captured it, however, when it took a sunbath on the lovely Tiger Patio.

That’s one of my favorite activities on campus, too. I even come during the summer just to soak up some rays at my favorite place on earth.

Being a senior is really cool because I get to be in AP Gov. One day, to celebrate all of us getting A's on the test, we all dyed our hair the same as color as Ms Nielsen’s –– she loved it! Another great part about senior year is being in charge.

I love commanding herds of freshman around the school. They’re like cute little sheep –– with a lot of Snapchat streaks! (hey that rhymed!)

Even though my time at South Pasadena is quickly coming to a close, I will always have these memories with me. See you all at the next reunion!!!!

¿¡¿W hich SPHS admin member are you?!?

Graphic design is my passion

1. What’s your hobby?

a. Sending automated phone calls

b. Dress coding

c. Filmmaking, duh!

1. On any given day, what does ur head look like?

a. Straw hat

b. Hair tied low pony, sunglasses

c. Styled to perfection

3. Favorite holiday?

a. Festivus b.Christmas

c. SPEX (Speck’s) assembly 4. What is your fave thing to police?

a. Phone usage

b. Clothing choices

c. Nicotine consumption

Written by Asian Kate Hudson, The only things I have to offer are bronchitis and fake news

5. Wheres ur're fave place to shop?

a. That one place on mission that you’ve never seen anyone in

b. Ann Taylor Loft

c. J. Crew 6. Biggest regret?

a. Not being a professional radio host

b. Not reigning supreme

c. Not being named Janet

If you got mostly A's, you’re our very own Principal Ms Janet Anderson! Your maxi skirt is as flawless as your bangs. You have likely said, “bye, love you” to a Lyft driver, or a barista, or basically anyone!

If you got mostly B's, you’re our Assistant Principal of Curriculum, Instruction and Guidance Ms Janet Wichman. You can be caught on the sidelines cheering on your daughter on Saturdays.

If you got mostly Cs, you’re our Assistant Principal of Student Services Mr. David Speck. Students know you by your pastel collared shirts or your luxury SUV.

TIGER BEAT 5 APRIL FOOLS 2018

BUT, WAIT, THERE’S MORE

But, wait, there’s more

CRACKING COLLEGE CONFIDENTIAL with ASIAN KATE HUDSON, THE ONLY THINGS I HAVE TO OFFER ARE BRONCHITIS AND FAKE NEWS

Get ready with me: Valcorza shoes for every day of the year.”

Gucci. Prada. Jimmy Choo. Balenciaga. I’m not telling you to Google how much these things cost, but let’s just say the Big V doesn’t mess around when it comes to the crowning achievement of his wardrobe. Not to say that the rest of his beauty care routine is anything short of extraordinary.

As the top of his decked out frame, Vally boasts 3.5 pounds of silky locks at an average length of 3.56 inches. Groomed to perfection, he gets a haircut three times a week. His skin, you ask?

Like browned butter. Although rumors about Jennifer Aniston and Sofia Vergara attempting to secure details regarding Valcorza’s beauty care routine have surfaced, Oliver maintains that this perfect bronze complexion needs nothing to maintain its youthful glow.

STORY & PHOTO FIRST NAME COMMA LAST NAME, DESCRIPTION Perhaps the greatest force of fashion and style on campus is Oliver Valcorza. The history teacher (also known colloquially as “Mr. ValGucci”) manages to showcase jaw-dropping ensembles which perfectly blend “business casual” with “Beverly Hills trophy wife” chic. However, the true gem of Valcorza’s day-to-day wear has got to be his shoes.

“I live in a condo with three bedrooms. Two of those bedrooms are now closets for my shoes,” Valcorza remarked about his bodacious collection of footwear. “I don’t like to talk about it,” he adds modestly. “But if I wanted to, I could wear a different pair of

“This? Oh, no. I wake up like this. Maybe a cucumber sea salt spritz every now and then but no, not much at all in regards to products or treatments,” he remarks casually.

However, if he does ever need to cover up, you can be assured that Valcorza will have no problem. The envy of all LA based drag queens, Valcorza knows his way around a tube of concealer like nobody’s business.

As far as influencers go, Valcorza is on top of the game. With the introduction of the uber popular @valcorzasshoes instagram account, Valcorza has successfully conquered all three categories of SPHS dominion: APs, AcaDeca, and social media.

Drumline debuts on new platform

Chance me (@charmander124): Hey guys, I’m currently a second semester junior. My dream school is UC Berkeley, but I’m worried because Berkeley is so hard to get into! While I am definitely not expecting to get in, I want to have an estimate of my chances. I currently have a 3.8, just took my SATs, and I have been a volunteer coach for my local U-10 AYSO team since I started high school. Thanks! (@LouboutinLady): I am Carol, I am Diane, I am Tammy, Brenda, and Jeanie. From the time I held my little baby’s delicate hands, I dreamed of my DSD (Dear Sweet Daughter) to make me proud at any HYPS of her choice. I wanted the best for her, hence my presence on college admissions forums. In fact, I am so passionate for her success that everything I post has such a strong undertone of racism and a deep sense of bitterness that it makes you worry for every barista, Lululemon employee, and Pilates instructor I cross paths with.

My DSD has a 4.0 (UW), plays the violin, and is infinitely better than you: during her admissions season, all of her friends were thinking of UCLA or schools like Duke. It made my sweet DSD so uncomfortable when her safety schools (UC Berkeley, etc.) were rejecting her best, but ultimately lower performing, friends.

I was often called harsh or a Tiger Mom for not letting her “hangout” with friends. But let me tell you a little secret, colleges don’t care whether you have friends. When deciding between Student #1003 and #8, they don’t look at if you got asked to prom: they look at who had a perfect SAT score (my DSD did both). When my other mom friends were hanging solar system mobiles over cribs, my DSD’s mobile had four, simple logos: Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Stanford.

Dear “Charmander:” soccer doesn’t matter. Ditch the shinguards for SAT Subject Test prep books and get cracking! Trust me, my daughter went to Harvard. Cathy from my book club — we exclusively read books you can buy at Rite Aid — told me that rowing is practically a golden ticket to highly-selective colleges: so maybe you should try that? Volunteerism? Who is she? The answer is: irrelevant.

So, unless your last name is Gates or Bush, you better start praying for an administrative error!

PHOTO SERGEI, PROFESSIONAL SLAV SQUATTER

Out & About

Tiger’s first take on local eateries and acitivities. Take one of our suggestions, if you dare, for a weekend adventure.

STORY INDECISIVE BOI, [INSERT INSIDE JOKE HERE]

FOOD Chow-down to some Blaze pizza while supporting the tenth fundraiser of the week. Math Club calculated there to be over 9000 pizza combinations, so you can NEVER be bored at blaze pizza. The best pizza of course is just the baked dough. But if you’re feeling adventurous, switch out the mozzarella for that pepper jack. The excitement also comes from awkwardly ordering from student employees who you kind of know but don’t really know.

FUN Want to travel but do not have the funds to do so? Then just go South on the Metro and experience Mexico, Japan, and China all in one day by visiting Olvera Street, Little Tokyo, and Chinatown. You can also get free math tutoring while on the metro. Head north and catch a train ride with Mr. McGough. Don’t waste your money with a tutor at a warm, comfortable coffee shop when you can practice math with Mr. McGough on a train.

ART Want to see a free art exhibit? Head on over to the Garfield Park Tunnel! They have a myriad of graffiti paintings and sculptures made of trash.

One masterpiece showcased, is a mural of Jake the dog from “Adventure Time”. The tunnel can also be a setting for Dungeons and Dragons!

The tight-knit vicinity and dankness of the tunnel emulates a dungeon. Plus the tunnels come with free enemies to gain experience points.

Just be careful for the cross country runners.

TIGER BEAT

6 APRIL FOOLS 2018

BUT, WAIT, THERE’S MORE

Best games to play in class STORY BLUE EYES, WHITE PRIVILEGE with their friends, with a simple, low effort

D

o you ever walk into a really boring class, pull out your phone or a Chromebook and realize you are at a loss of games to play?

Well, lucky for you, Tiger Beat has got you covered. Whether you are snoozing in Dow’s class, turning in the same math assignment for the fourth time in Mills, watching Chan play Overwatch on a projector, or suffering through another mundane art project disguised as legitimate homework in Engelhard, these games will shelve your boredom on any occasion.

If your teacher is a bit of a stickler about phones, but you have access to a Chromebook, try the free and easily accessible Dino Game.

The game, which can be found at chrome:// network-error/-106, provides anyone too lazy to type in a short code into a .io game to play

online game to play on their own.

In the case you do not have a Chromebook, try Dragon City, the game that combined a Random Number Generator (RNG) game, like Clash of Clans, with Pokemon. In the game, you can hatch, feed, and grow your own dragons, then send them into battle against other players across the globe in a competition for the title of Dragon Master. If you are struggling through another lesson in math, pull out your phone, which really does not need to be hidden, and start growing a dragon.

So in a time of extreme need ― whether it be a bad day or you fall asleep while Cutler outlines the requirements for a project ― give one of these games a spin. Each game will guarantee you a full class period of fun and entertainment.

How to become the insta baddie of your dreams STORY BLOONA BOLEY, REGRETBUTLER@GMAIL.COM 1. The first step to becoming an instagram ~girl~ is to get the basic wardrobe down. An easy way to keep yourself on track is to buy from the right places. For this reason, stick to the top brands: American Apparel, Unif, Fila, Calvin Klein, Adidas. Of course, anything on Depop is fair game.

Having trouble finding the right pieces? It’s OK, clothing is mostly optional anyway!

2. Now that you have the basics, it’s time to accessorize.

Here’s a few things you will need: black lingerie, faux fur coats, heeled leather boots, tube tops, “vintage” sunglasses, and acrylic nails. For an edgier* look, you may want to invest in some Thrasher T-shirts, fishnets, ripped jeans, or colorful camo pants. Remember not to wear more than three colors at a time, preferably black, white, and red.

Bonus points for at least mildly appropriative gold jewelry.

3. The rules about hair and makeup are pretty strict. You

must either grow your hair down to your lower back or keep it in a short bob with bangs. The long hair types usually stick to an all-natural, Glossier endorsed look while the bobs tend to wear exclusively Milk Makeup. Both tend to post pictures of themselves wearing face masks or clown-inspired eye makeup alone in their rooms. Lip injections and drawn-on freckles encouraged.

4. With the look down, it’s time to set up your page. Your handle should either be your first and last or first and middle name, to keep things classy and professional. Go to settings and switch to “business profile.” Set your profession as “Model” or “Artist” for clarification. Put “Los Angeles” or “L.A./N.Y.”in your bio, even if you live in a wealthy suburb outside L.A. You may also want to start an overpriced “sell your clothes” account on the side.

5. Time to start curating your feed. Make use of your camera’s timer function, and always leave your followers wondering who took your photos. It’s OK to recycle photos from the same two photo shoots until you build a greater portfolio. Make your Story as long as possible, and

How to scheme your way into college

make sure to add screenshots of what you’re listening to on Spotify. Photo captions should be vague, three words or less and preferably in a language other than English.

6. Some tips on developing your general aesthetic: get a pet you can take pictures with. A snake, tarantula, husky, bunny, or rat will do. Adopt a rose/cherry/pinup/playboy motif and develop it over time using props. In fact, you should probably go all out and get a playboy bunny tattoo if you really want to prove your commitment. I hate to say it, but nicotine addiction is almost mandatory. If you Juul irl, make sure to switch to real cigs for your pics. *This listicle is geared toward those looking for a more traditional Instagram model lifestyle. However, I acknowledge that the ~aRtsY gAL~ is an important subset of the broader category of Insta girl. Some quick tips for achieving this brand: Post pics of scabs, bruises, hickeys, nose bleeds, and ~gross~ stuff because you’re really provocative, The shorter your bangs get, the more followers you will gain, Wear a lot of crazy makeup, fishnets, and platform shoes, Constantly allude to daddy issues even though you come from a loving family.

CROSSWORD

STORY NOT SAD, JUST TIRED, #1 SISTER #2 FAVORITE CHILD

5 tricks guaranteed to get you through high school and into America’s top colleges!

Worried about not standing out in high school? Afraid your transcript isn’t strong enough? Worried your high school experience won’t get you into your dream school? Don’t fear!

Tiger Beat’s compiled our fail-proof way to navigate your four years at SPHS and potentially earn a spot at most, if not ALL, of your top schools*!

1. If your relative works at a high-profile company, get an internship there. The key here is to name drop without actually doing the internship, just making two photocopies and leaving. Make sure it sounds super selective and that you’ve done it for long periods of time.

2. Take Chinese for two years.

3. Brunch is the perfect time to do any homework due in third or fourth period. If you can’t copy our friend’s homework in those fifteen minutes, don’t do it at all.

4. Join cross country. While everyone goes on their seven mile run, go home and show up around the time you should be finishing. After doing this three times, say you have shin splints and that you’re out for the rest of the season. Earning PE credit and an extracurricular all in one!

5. Cheat in every class. And we mean every class. Always skip the actual day of the test and take it later. This step is key in maintaining your 4.0.

*Schools include but are not limited to USC, UCLA, Northwestern, and many, many more! Except the Ivies. This won’t help you there.

Answer Key: Across- 2, Kadri; 5, Whitney; 6, Mills; 7, Engelhard; 8, Valcorza; 12, Papadakis; 14, Yang; 15, Huynh. Down- 1, Wielenga; 3, Pchelnikova; 4, Bishop; 9, Afram; 10, Nielsen; 11, Reagan; 13, Chi.

6. Tell everyone where you get into college and how you did it.

Wear your new school’s sweatshirt everyday. People are dying to know and will be extremely happy for you.

TIGER APRIL FOOLS, 2018

SOCCER+. . .

7

Chi: why banks hate this man STORY & PHOTO CONVERSE, KHAKIS, LONG SLEEVED SHIRT, LEGENDARY PLANESWALKER

Bringing to a close what former students and administrators call “an experience,” longtime football coach and math teacher Jeff Chi finally retired this week.

He plans to finally pursue his plans of being a life coach.

The dawn of 2017 was initially a bright year for Jeff, who began his dream position as head coach of the South Pasadena High School football team. He had shown promise of not falling to the same demises of past head football coaches, Marty Konrad and C.B. Richards.

Unfortunately, the football team maintained precisely the same level of mediocrity under Chi’s guidance as it has in recent years.

CONTEMPLATING LIFE, Chi considers his new lucrative profession.

Outside of his football efforts, Chi has managed to be recognized school wide for his unconventional talent of giving life advice for matters big or small, solicited or not. Chi looks forward to putting his skills to use as the school’s official life coach.

According to firsthand reports and observational

Pierson cornholes

Facebook posts, Chi has apparently guided hundreds of calculus and math analysis classes through a broad range of topics, including the pros of using Amazon gift cards, the deeper meaning behind critically acclaimed film Mean Girls (2004), and the health benefits of breastfeeding.

Other topics of discussion include how every Will Smith movie can be relevant to your life, the moral of Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (2005), how to differentiate between men’s and women’s clothing, and why getting into UCLA isn’t that hard. These may not seem like topics of advice, but Chi’s didactic tone sure makes it seem like his every word is vital information.

In a testament to its unfailing commitment to education, Anderson said the teacher continued to teach students about physics, geology, and the enormous promise of microprocessor technology all the way up through his final few months in the classroom.

Chi says that if his plans career in life advice doesn’t work according to plan, he will instead become a personal lifting coach to his son Gavin. Students are overjoyed to hear that Chi will be spending more time actually helping Gavin lift rather than spending class time screening videos of his son exercising.

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STORY BASICALLY A CIF CHAMP, LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH SPHS GIRLS’ SOCCER TEAM, PATHOLOGICAL PROCRASTINATOR “BUT IT’S OKAY” Behind the thin facade of a dedicated and hardworking biology teacher, Ms. Elizabeth Pierson harbors a dark and shameful secret hobby. Though she hails from Northern California, Pierson had always longed for the more… provincial life. In her college days at UC Berkeley, she was surrounded by uptight hipster types; though she easily blended in with the rest of the trendy millennials, Pierson always wanted a medium to loosen up. Pierson’s life dramatically changed upon hearing Taylor Swift’s debut album, falling deeply in love with country. The idea of the southern belle lifestyle opened a treasure-trove of possibility for Pierson– she had found a world where she could finally be herself. Yes, she did want to be scooped up and saved by a truck-riding, lasso-throwing, gun-slinging southern beau. Yes, sometimes she did want to ride her stallion out into the prairie with her hair billowing in the wind.

to take on macho, bandana-wearing male teams. When asked about their outfits, Pierson proudly exclaimed, “Oh my goodness y’all! We go all outtt. Cowgirl booties, unicorn onesies, bedazzled pink bandanas, you name it! We walk in as if Carrie Underwood’s ‘Before He Cheats’ is blasting behind us. No shame. Just pure badassery.”

Cornholing was the perfect start. With teams throwing bags of corn (or bean bags) at a tilted platform with a hole in the far end, Pierson finally found her calling and a new source of exercise. Every Thursday, the “Unicorn-Holers” depart from their taxing occupations

“I walked in to ask her about the powerhouse of the cell when I was shocked by what I had discovered. Ms. Pierson was covered down to her chin with cottage cheese and had nutritional yeast all over her blazer,” an anonymous student said.

Although they ended their debut season with a tough 28-6-0 record, the “Unicorn-Holers” are looking forward to next season. According to Pierson, the gals have already started their preseason training consisting of hot yoga, half-marathons every weekend, and a strict diet. However, it seems as if Pierson has begun to stray away from this carefully calculated diet after she was spotted on Tuesday by a AP biology student scarfing down an unconventional “snack.”

BREAKING: SPORTS DEPARTMENT FILES FOR BANKRUPCY AS SENIOR CITIZENS DISCOVER MOBILE BINGO STORY TEEN ZINE QUEEN, FEMINEER PHOTO AN ARTIST IMPOSTER, THE BEST APPLE SUACE MANUFACTURER

A

fter years of making money off gambling addictions, Saturday nights at SPHS are suddenly quiet.

Tiger Bingo shut its doors last week due to a growing lack of interest. The culprit? Mobile gaming.

SPHS Booster Club and all of the school’s sports relied on the profits from bingo. Money for new football helmets?

That was your grandma’s retirement home rent for next month. Money for a softball scoreboard repair? That was her oatmeal budget. Too bad she downloaded BINGO HEAVEN 4 on her Kindle Fire!

You definitely shouldn’t have gone over to her retirement home and showed her how to download apps. That led her to realize that she didn’t even have to get up to gamble.

Then she showed her whole

friend group. The following Saturday, James Jontz stood at the podium with a microphone.

“B4….” he said. He waited for the callback “AFTER!” but it never came. The gym, for the first time, was empty. And they never returned.

The good news, however, is that your Saturday afternoons and nights are suddenly much freer. But when you have to keep using those swim uniforms from 1975, maybe you will miss sitting around in the foyer of the gym, waiting for your turn to empty out the tub of cigarette butts.

The Boosters are struggling to come up with a new fundraiser idea. If you can come up with a better way to make thousands in cash a weekend, hit their line.

TIGER

8 APRIL FOOLS, 2018

Mediators host fight club in dire attempt to relieve stress

soccer+...

STORY ERRVERYBODY, SHUTUP COLE After a series of TEDx events and compliment writing booths failed to draw in new students, the Peer Mediators have resorted to hosting weekly fight clubs to relieve stress on campus.

In a survey aiming to gain an understanding on how the Peer Mediators could help students with stress management, the overwhelming write-in answer was to provide a safe space for students to just “jack each other up.” With this undeniable support from the student body the Mediators felt they had no choice but to organize weekly fight clubs for students to relieve stress using fists instead of words.

Last Friday the Peer Mediators held their first fight club in the gym after school. Fighters were separated into four randomized groups of eight, with the top fighter in each group moving on to a final round of sudden death. After an hour of vicious hits and many trips to the nurses office, those moving on to the final four were seniors Jack Renken and Reno Goudeau, junior Jean Lih and the Peer Mediators’ very own David Seo. Due to injuries sustained from the first round of fighting Goudeau fell almost immediately after the final round began. Lih too was eliminated after she failed to dodge a hook from Renken. Though Renken put up a good fight, the clear standout and final winner was Seo, who benefited from speed, shocking power, and an unwillingness from other fighters to hit “someone so nice.” As the last one standing, Seo was awarded a free tub of homemade slime and a lifesaver mint.

“I think people generally think of David as a really down to earth, sweet, and genuine guy,” said head Peer Mediator and senior Will Hoadley-Brill, “As we have seen now though, he’s kinda a freak. These fight clubs not only provides students with an outlet to release their anger, but also learn more about themselves and their peers in the process.”

Administration was originally hesitant to allow such violence on school campus but are now in complete support of the Peer Mediators.

“Test scores and attendance are both up and teachers have noticed a significant improvement in class behavior,” said Principle Janet Anderson, “Though usually I wouldn’t encourage students to seek out violence as a way to deal with their problems, I think this is exactly the type of character building these wimps needed.”

LISTENING TO JANET #2, the swim team reacts to being dress-coded.

Dress code enforced at pool STORY PLAIN “MEHOI” JANE, TRIPLE TOKEN MINORITY PHOTO basically a CIF champ, LIVING VICARIOUSLY through the SPHS girls’ soccer team

she announced that the SPHS swimmers were being dress coded and that the meet would be postponed. The principal cited tightness and lack of coverage as grounds for a dress code.

Senior Andres Limon was posed on the starting block, just about to dive in for the 200 free when he was interrupted by a tap on the back with the antenna of a walkie talkie.

“Isn’t that my job?” Assistant Principal David Speck was overheard whispering to Principal Janet Anderson.

He wheeled around just as the other swimmers dived in and came face to face with none other than Janet Wichman herself.

The swim meet against Monrovia had started as any other; the Tigers all exited the changing rooms and headed out to the pool. As Limon and the other boys walked out in their speedos, there was a large thud: Assistant Principal Janet Wichman had fallen several rows down the bleachers in shock and horror. She quickly got up and ran towards the starting blocks, almost slipping into the pool.

After reprimanding Limon, she lined up the girls and had them extend their hands to their thighs to determine if their traditional one-piece bathing suits passed the indexfinger rule. Snatching the loudspeaker from the lifeguard,

The swimmers were walked back into the changing room where they were given a pair of gold gym shorts and a gray t-shirt. Satisfied, Wichman allowed the meet to commence, which unfortunately ended with the Tigers nearly drowning from the weight of their wet clothes.

When asked about the incident, Wichman stated that she does not regret how she handled things.

“I made the right choice. I can’t believe I spent so long patrolling the Tiger Patio and pulling girls out of class when the real problem was at the pool,” said Wichman.

“The straps on the one-pieces weren’t even three fingers wide! This isn’t spring break in Miami. The pool is a place of learning and should be free of distractions.”

From now on, all swim team members will be required to wear the traditional PE outfit of gym shorts and a T-shirt (swim caps will still be permitted).