Tiger Newspaper April Fools 2019

INSIDE TIGERNEWSPAPER.COM

Details of his workout secrets and struggle to overcome an obsession with collecting phones APRIL FOOLS 2019

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TIGER: THE BODY ISSUE APRIL FOOLS 2019

STEAMING TEA

STEAMING TEA

Life in the one percent: How Sir Valgucci secured the bag

Gordon Ramsay turns cafeteria into Hells Kitchen STORY ANONYMOUS IFRIT, avid paragraph highlighter The school cafeteria shines as South Pasadena’s one true foodie paradise, consistently edging out restaurants such as Blaze and Teamorrow in its battle for teenage customers. After earning a “Meets California’s nutrition standards” out of five stars from Elite Yelper Commanderson Janderson, the cafeteria’s popularity skyrocketed, bringing back Raisels and making slices of celery pizza a classy snacc.

Despite the clear culinary prowess of the SPHS cafeteria, tensions were high when Gordon Ramsay dropped in for a surprise visit to taste the famed dishes. Students watched in silent awe as the acclaimed British chef scanned the stacks of black plastic containers, the iconic brown and red cardboard trays, and the meticulously straightened cartons of two percent and low fat milk.

GUCCI TRAFFICKER

Oliver Valcorza surveils the area before his “coffee” break.

STORY BLUEFACE BABY, ye ight second best looking sports editor & ADOPTED TSAI, found in a box PHOTO SUSIE FARKAS, doggie-style

S

ir Oliver Valcorza is the Kyrie Irving of high school teachers. Drippin’ in sauce, his combination of smooth style and flashy intellect exudes a swagger that is unmatched by anyone, but envied by everyone. He might seem like a typical superficial teacher with a keen fashion sense, but get to know him a little better, and it’s like finding the answers to the entire year of APES online. After watching too much Shane Dawson, the Tiger staff felt a patriotic obligation as ignorant teens to expose the TRUTHS about Sir Valgucci to the undeserving student body.

During his 100 minute long lectures, students’ thoughts seamlessly drift from the D-Day invasion at Normandy to wondering how Sir Valgucci became so dang rich.

Like for real tho, that man wears Gucci daily, and Louis Vuitton if he slumming it. Did he invest in Apple? Is he the mysterious creator of Bitcoin? Did he marry into the Bezos family? WRONG! He didn’t do one of those things. He did ALL of them. “[Mackenzie] Bezos wasn’t necessarily my ‘type’ perse, but, dang, when I was reading News on my iPhone XV and saw that her net worth was $69 billion, I knew I had to cuff her ASAP.” Rumor has it that Oliver simply took his shot in Bezos’ direct messages with the pickup line, “Quit Stalin and give

me your number.” The rest is simply history (<pun xd). Sir Valgucci married Bezos in Monte Carlo two days later, with the entire Aca-Deca team in attendance, and immediately asked Jeff Bezos to invest in his family’s hedge fund.

Rumors of what Valcorza does during his self-proclaimed “coffee breaks” have also surfaced as a major unresolved world issue. Students ask themselves, “To what extent can Valcorza actually be trusted to be getting his coffee?”

Confused and intrigued, Tiger employed the one person who could crack the perplexing conundrum, a man with the most prestigious job in South Pas and a special set of skills: the guy who heroically guards the boys’ juul room.

Mr. Duarte was sent to surveil the teachers’ lounge during first period and was shocked to learn Valgucci’s dark secret.

Behind the fridge, he discovered a passageway, leading to a fake Gucci sweatshop. Duarte claims that he liberated over 400,000 imprisoned workers who were toiling away, using Mr. Shorr’s hair to produce the fibers for belts. One of the workers was retired teacher Kim Kadletz, who worked part-time in the shop throughout her 15 years of teaching at SPHS. Kadletz’s retirement was reportedly a sham; Valcorza had forced her into working for him full-time. Aca-Deca team members were also identified as some of the workers.

Valgucci reportedly used the disbanding of the team as a front to employ more workers in his sweatshop.

Valcorza was charged with battery, Gucci trafficking, harassment, and extortion. However, when asked to ID the perpetrator, students couldn’t name two facts and a why and Sir Valgucci was set free.

Several students nervously consulted their Tiger Guides for repercussions for foul language as Ramsay sat down with his selections of the food, but soon found that Ramsay was much too delighted to blast the meal. He was especially impressed by the school’s signature mac n’ cheese blend with fresh canned corn and frozen beans, declaring it a “groundbreaking dish.”

“The fruit or juice was another game changer,” Ramsay added with a nod towards the green Driftwood carton sitting in his tray. “I never knew that being sent back in line by the cafeteria lady could bring such joy to my palate.”

Ramsay was also a fan of long-time student favorite Bosco’s Cheese Sticks, citing the luxurious, stretchy cheese blanketed with soft breading as the factor that won him over. However he did suggest that the food was slightly dry and lacking in the sauce department.

“Where’s the frickin’ sauce?” a dejected Ramsay asked after sampling the delectable cheesy sticks. Finally, the chef expressed his appreciation for the cafeteria ambience and tasteful decor.

“Yeah, I guess I never thought about how I should eat dark green vegetables and replace my unprocessed starches with whole grains,” Ramsay said thoughtfully after reading nutrition propaganda posters on the walls beside the cash register. “And the music was a straight banger, I just loved jamming out to Despacito being played from the lawn while I ate.”

As the only location on Earth with the approval of both Gordon Ramsay and Commanderson Janderson under its belt, now you can truly say that the Tiger cafe kNoW dA wAe.

BODY ISSUE APRIL FOOLS THE YEAR OF OUR LORD TWO THOUSAND AND NINETEEN

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BODY ISSUE

ESTABLISHED YEAR -24398753 CSPA GOLD MEDALIST 2011 THENEEDLEDROP 10/10 2014 PRINCIPAL’S CHOICE AWARD 2016 BEST SNAPCHATTER 2017 NO CSPA CROWN AWARD 2019 OPPA GANGNAM STYLE

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF COMM. OF INTERNAL AFFAIRS, Affair expert MANAGING EDITORS AVOID PASSIVE VOICE, TRUMAN GO HERE CLOMP CLOMP, You know my clogs not my story NEWS THE ONLY TSAI, Matthew is adopted 바나나 아이스크림, Tiger Fight Club Champ OPINION @I_HATE_NICK_FRICK, 6th grade cyberbully MITOCHONDRIA, powerhouse of the cell FEATURE THE VIRTUAL HULK, SMOLBIGGBOIII, “I hAve VIrTUal BuSInEsS”, Second Choice Sports Editor THE BETTER MARZIALI, iM NOt WriTIng FEatURe SPORTS WHERE’S HYUN?, I Need Ads BLUEFACE BABY, YE IGHT, Second best looking sports editor DESIGN “EMILY”, Oh Wait You’re Not Ines KATE “RODGERS”, Did I spell it right?

ALEX BLAINE LAYDER, Hates InDesign PHOTOGRAPHY ITS NOT A PHASE MOM, I’m a potato SUSIE FARKAS, Creep with camera COPY LETTUCELOVER789@GMAIL.COM, Maya Wannabe @MAYA-WILLIAMSON-1, Fourth in Command STAFF WRITERS BIG AUDS, Used to Bite People FLUFFYPANTSCAT@GMAIL.COM, #DubNation JACK JACK, Uncontrollable child EVAN LIU, Inferior QUEEN MAO MAO, Not a princess anymore ADOPTED TSAI, Found in a box JADEN MULLIN, BTS Fangirl ANONYMOUS IFRIT, Avid Paragraph Highlighter PHOTOGRAPHERS 1AMARMADILLO, Armadillo is delicious JAYDAWG RECEIVES KEY TO LIFE FROM HOMELESS MAN !, That’s Tough !

[REDACTED], Not school appropriate CLINT TORRES, That Freshman ILLUSTRATORS SKULL_CRUSHER_02, illiterete .

DAN BISHOP, Bishop Fanclub MANAGERS PERFECT ATTENDANCE (NEVER BEEN SUSPENDED), Editor-In-Chief WEBMASTER iM tHe WeBmaStEr, Overlord of the Internet LMAO ALEX I FORGOT U WERE ON STAFF

FACULTY ADVISOR MIKE HOGAN VOL. 100 AND 6, NO. SEVEN DISTRIBUTED ON MAR. 29, 2019.

DISTRIBUTION: 1337 STUDENTS; I HAVE OSTEOPOROSIS. 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVE. COPIES PRINTED. DISTRIBUTED BY AMAZON PRIME FREE OF CHARGE. PRINTED BY UR MOM LOL.

Conservatives are silenced despite a mantra of tolerance

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE outh Pasadena is known as a safe and welcoming place for S all people; we are proud of our principles of social progress and tolerance. However, while the SJW snowflake larptarps

of SPHS may appear to champion acceptance, the collective liberous atmosphere and attitude on campus censors the FACTS and LOGIC presented by our Lord and Savior Benjamin Aaron Shapiro. This is inherently WRONG, and it has the collateral effect of marginalizing correct ideas, especially conservatism.

WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY where conservatives are the most oppressed minority. Conservatives are afraid to speak up due to fears of being arrested by Obama’s army of radical feminist anti-fascist lyebarrel gay frogs.

The First Amendment rights of conservative students are being violated by the toxic politically correct liturgiological agenda.

One student who wishes to remain anonymous, henceforth identified as “Billy Bob,” said the following regarding the political atmosphere on campus. They are the president of the Young Anarcho-Communists Club and a self-professed advocate for the extermination of the libelrels. They commented on the state of political discourse on campus.

“Stupid labcarts,” Billy Bob said, “We don’t need ‘safe spaces’ on campus. What we do need is a space where people of all political ideologies — and by that I mean only conservatives — are allowed to gather and discuss ideas freely without fear of judgement.”

CONTACT HYUN FOR ADVERTISING RATES AND SUBSCRIPTIONS (IF YOU CAN FIND HIM). BODY ISSUE WELCOMES APPLICANTS! APPLY NOW AT TIGERNEWSPAPER.COM/APPLY. IF YOU ARE UNSATISFIED WITH THE TASTE, QUALITY, OR FRESHNESS OF THIS FOOD PRODUCT, CONTACT NABISCO CUSTOMER SERVICES AT 1-888-225-5322 FOR A FULL REFUND.

BODY ISSUE’S MISSION IS TO INCREASE FURRY VISIBILITY. #YIFFMEDADDYBECAUSEILOVEJESUS

Another root of prejudice towards conservatives is the prevalence of incorrect stereotypes. Common misconceptions include the image of a conservative as a neo-Nazi skinhead, when the faces of conservatism are often more diverse. Like most other ideologies, conservatism spans a wide spectrum, such as Fascist conservatives, Communist conservatives, conservative conservatives, and liberal conservatives.

“When I show up [to a discussion], people don’t understand it.

How can you — a queer single black mother, who is ‘‘oppressed’ — support such a president, such an ideology that is so pro-racist and anti-American? They refuse to believe that conservatism is a diverse ideology,” Billy Bob said.

Ideally, teachers should always try to establish a classroom environment that shuts down the lies of the globalist lorbitrol reptilian cabal, whose ranks include the likes of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Queen Elizabeth II. Unfortunately, the ranks of the school’s instructors have been infiltrated by the ideological poison of modern progressivism.

Billy Bob cites the school’s “overwhelming acceptance of degenerate lybearall ideology” as the reason for the prevalence of cognitive dissonance. He identified name-calling, cyberbullying, threats of murder, and rational discourse as the primary method of intimidation used against conservative students. In revealing their political beliefs, conservatives risk being given a C on a socratic seminar for laughing at their lorbtorb teacher.

In a community that prides itself on its tolerance, the deeply rooted intolerance against opposition ideologies is an unacceptable and egregious phenomenon, especially as rhetoric on the national level turns increasingly factionist. Our campus should be an environment where lehboral ideas are censored and suppressed to promote a conservative agenda. We need to realize the grim reality of intolerance at the hands of the ‘tolerant left.’ We don’t need to agree with each other. We will never agree with each other. There is no hope for this dying nation, except outright civil war.

A root cause of this political intolerance is the amplification of majority ideas: dialogue often becomes an echo-chamber for progressive l’brall talking points like single-payer healthcare, reduced college tuition, and the genocide of the glorious AngloEuropean race. The only way to counteract the prevalence of

So this is our challenge to you, the brain-dead labradors of South Pasadena. We, the proud conservatives, are declaring war. Not a war of fists, but a war of words. And as history has proven again and again, our humble band of racist fascist bigoted troglodytes will surely prevail against the tides of change.

SIGNED ARTICLES APPEARING IN TIGER REPRESENT THE LIBERAL AGENDA. I SINCERELY REGRET THE COMMENTS I MADE REGARDING MR NICHOLAS FRICHOLAS IN 2013.

I DID NOT SPILL SAUSAGE GRAVY ON MY CAT.

leprosy echo chambers on campus is by establishing separate and equal echo chambers for conservatives.

Boos & Bravos

Your favorite teachers’ cheers and jeers for the month of April.

BOOS

BRAVOS

BOO to the SPMS math teachers for not teaching my kids how to do long division. - Shen

BRAVO to anyone who can muster up the strength to not fall asleep in my class - all of them

BOO to the students who don’t do their homework two weeks before it’s due. - Papadakis

BRAVO to Festivus. There is only Festivus. Anderson

BOO to all of my students for not giving me any shoe inspo. #ValGucci - Valcorza

BRAVO to me for looking like a S N A C C.- Speck

THE REAL STUFF:

THE BODY ISSUE IS A SPECIAL APRIL FOOLS EDITION,PUBLISHED BY THE ADVANCED JOURNALISM NEWSPAPER CLASS AT SOUTH P A S A D E N A H I G H S C H O O L , 1401 F R E M O N T AVE., SOUTH PASADENA,CA 91030. THE BODY ISSUE IS INTENDED ENTIRELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES AND IN NO WAY REFLECTS THE VIEWS OF THE STAFF, STUDENT BODY, OR THE ADMINISTRATION OF SPHS .

BOO to the students who go to the bathroom, that’s my thing.- Gray

BELLRINGER and good morning to my wonderful students. Я мертвий всередині. - Puhchelikinova

BODY ISSUE

4 APRIL FOOLS 2018+1

BREITBART

SPHS is inclusive, but not enough SPHS will soon be recognized nationally as the most accepting learning environment in America

STORY JADEN MULLIN, BTS Fangirl ILLUSTRATION SKULL_CRUSHER_02, illiterete

required to take a full length mock AP Chemistry test with Mr. Ku.

S

outh Pasadena High School, priding itself on an all-inclusive community, has finally been taking the right steps towards inclusion. From changing the harmful name of “Powderpuff ” to the drastically new “Powerpuff ”, to replacing GQ with the Tiger Games, and the Tiger Games with nothing, SPHS has created the ideal, non-offensive high school experience.

However, many students still feel offended and have recently voiced their concerns about namechange proposals. One particular name that is discriminatory is South Pasadena High School itself.

This insensitive name victimizes all students living outside of the city, labeling them as a member of a small middle-class white neighborhood school. ASB will present their proposal at the next city council meeting to rename it as just “High School."

Speaking of classification, this word may soon be banned from SPHS due to its reference to a person’s hindquarters. Students have proposed to impose a Tiger Guide amendment that would replace the word “class” with “a non-judgemental learning vicinity.”

First time offenders will be forced to run a power mile during a late start, and second time offenders will be

Teachers have also joined in on the cause.

Environmental Science guru Mr Don Wielenga has threatened English teacher Mrs Lisa Greenhouse for her insensitive name, which allegedly implies allegiance to a pro-pollution group.

“Absolutely inappropriate,” said Wielenga, who was stopped midway through his shirtless afternoon run.

“Teachers should not be exposing students to such sickening things.”

With changes coming left and right, an urgent question arises: are they necessary? The answer to that is, “Why are you asking such insensitive questions? Of course it is.” With the high school brain so malleable (shoutout Carol Dweck), we must be sheltered from every horror in our lives so that it may maintain its fruit snack sized shape. As a result of this elevated wokeness, South Pas students will develop the skill of being offended by others, which is a key survival tactic in the modern world. Such early preparation can be a stepping stone to becoming experts at complaining in checkout lines and getting what they want by speaking to store managers.

THIS PAPER IS PART OF OUR ONGOING ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU. YOU'RE IN A COMA. WAKE UP

Underclassme n date s for the win STORY FLUFFYPANTSCAT@GMAIL.COM, #DubNation ILLUSTRATION SKULL_CRUSHER_02, illiterete .

With prom just around the corner, some juniors and seniors are struggling to find dates for what’s supposed to be a night to remember. For those upperclassmen struggling to pull people in their own grade, there’s always the better option: asking an underclassman.

There’s a 99.9 percent chance they’ll say yes, and you won’t have to go alone. Follow these steps and you’re guaranteed to take an underclassman to prom.

There are three steps to getting that perfect underclassman date. The first step is selecting your prey: who will be that lucky guy or gal to go to prom this year? This means you’re going to have to Insta stalk lots of underclassmen. Start by requesting a few underclassman accounts, just a couple hundred, about half the freshman class. Once they follow you back, or even if they don’t, just go ahead and like all of their pictures. ALL of them. Comment on their recents.

After you do this, start approaching them at school.

You should make a conscious effort to walk past their lunch section every day and get their attention in any way possible. Of course, any underclassman is fine, but freshmen are the best candidates.

WHAT A FAT DUBSKI AMIRIGHT BOIS!!!

The second step is getting them interested in you. Add them on snap and just start going in from there. You need to snap them every single day. The best pickup lines with 100 percent guaranteed results are “wyd”

and “what’s up.” Even if they don’t respond, you need to keep snapping them. Them not responding is actually a way for to let you know that they’re interested in you. After this, you can turn up the heat a little bit; ask them for personal information. This includes but is not limited to: phone number, home address, and social security number, blood type, and structurally resonant frequency in hertz. At this point, tell other people that you guys are a thing because you can’t risk someone else swooping in.

The last step is asking them to prom; you need to make the promposal really gigantic. During lunch go to the freshman section, and bust out a humongous poster and their favorite food, which you know because of all the social media stalking you’ve been doing. Better yet, you might as well just show up to their house unannounced wearing a ski mask and carrying a Mossberg 500. Be sure to gesture menacingly with the weapon, or even fire off a few warning shots. If neither of those two methods work, an alternative (albeit slightly inconvenient) route is to summon a love demon by constructing a pentagram from the blood of five young goats, brimstone from the depths of the Kadingir Sanctum, and several My Chemical Romance t-shirts from Hot Topic.

After this, an underclassman will definitely say yes to your prom invite. Remember to to flex them HARD to show everyone in your grade what great work you’ve done to get an underclassman to go out with you.

A trip to Chinatown: juuice vs. (su)oringe STORY

LETTUCELOVER789@GMAIL.COM,

Maya Wannabe

ILLUSTRATION

DAN BISHOP, Bishop Fan-

Alas, the neverending debate, what’s the best thing to buy at the Chinatown market? Will a smooth juuice in a small rectangle shape satisfy my needs? Or should I go for the slightly rounder (su)oringe? I’ve personally come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter which you get, as long as you bring your best friends to the bathroom when you finally devour the hands down best snacks of all time. But still, they each do have benefits and disadvantages.

ITS NOT AN ORPHAN ANYMORE

To begin with, suoringes come in a much larger variety. Practically any flavor one desires is attainable. From clementines to blood suoringes, to crème brûlée and more, the options are pretty much endless. Yet when it comes to juuice, you can only really get pre-packaged goods and flavors like cucumber mint. How sus, am I right?

For those who may want to blend in with the crowd, juuice is probably the better choice. With its convenience and cleanliness, there’s no way Ms. Shires would ever force you to drink it outside her classroom, making it an easy way to sneak in a

quick snack (head rush) during the 60 second fix.

Plus, juuicers have the chance of twinning with the coolest sophomore gals ever in the largest stall of the 500 building bathroom.

“I used to drink juuice in the bathroom, but I got so sick of feeling like a sophomore and wanted to be edgy and original,” said an anonymous junior, “So I had to make the switch to suoringes.”

When it comes to price, juuice is much more expensive despite its popularity. Since the two bathroom break snacks, suoringes and juuice, are practically the same, it is just not worth sparing extra cash. Whether your at Joy’s Market or the sword store behind the fruit market, it is best to go for the cheaper food item!

“The man at the store with swords always gives me a five dollar discount for my juuice,” said an anonymous senior, “he tells me he would only give a discount to me.”

Ultimately, it is really up to you how you want to spend money in Chinatown, but remember that there is always an option to save money and spend it at the cute South Pas shop next to the 99 cent store, a very adorable liquid alternative to the yummy juuice and suoringe snacks.

TIGER: THE BODY ISSUE APRIL FOOLS 2019

BONUS CONTENT

BONUS CONTENT

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STORY HYUN KIM, Pro Hacker PHOTO COURTESTY OF THE ONLINE VIRUS

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Oh sweet, gullible Pisces, many people will try Expect some Idk man, you don’t even believe in this Still feel like everyone hates you to take advantage of your wide-eyed propensity for watery stools this week. stuff. We both know the rest of Gemini? Well you are right, trust that fun. This week, try to see past the shiny surface to these moon fools are complete intuition, God knows it's your only make responsible decisions. In other news, the stars idiots. redeemable quality. As Uranus enters your see a Nigerian prince will email you on Monday fifth house of Never Shutting the Heck Up this with a fantastic opportunity for a mutually week, others will find you especially unbearable.

The beneficial business deal. Don’t be afraid Consider looking inwards — or just crawl back into planetary to share your social security and whatever hole you came out of, you cretin. movements this credit card numbers. Trust in week will urge you on an the process.

This expedition to the arctic where you Greetings week Venus is stargazers! Are you will find an ancient smoking pipe in the beckoning your feeling the waves of the depths of a sunken ship. The clue hidden romantic side, ask a special moon’s power this week? As it within the pipe will lead you closer to a someone out on a date. Perhaps seems like Mercury is literally always in national secret, kept alive by your family a 5’7 hapa big baller with retrograde, here’s Tiger’s guide in navigating the line. Your next step as Neptune enters the attitude, spunk, and swagger. sweet, sweet vibes the planets are emitting. fourth house of thievery next week: Steal HINT: The next Editor in Chief the Declaration of Independence. of Tiger is pretty cute ;) Mars and Jupiter will align in Virgo this week for the first time in seven years, bringing your love and family chakras to an amiable bliss. Chakras are part of astrology right?

Your final chance at true love will STORY @MAYA-WILLIAMSON-1, be destroyed when Mr. Fourth in Command Speck takes your phone GRAPHIC DWIGHT K. at lunch, effectively SHRUTE, The preventing you from #1 #2 right-swiping on your soul Luck is in Brace mate. your corner this week yourself Taurus. A Share Libra. The stars are aligning failed attempt at love early the wealth, perfectly to create great opportunities in in the week will lead you to binge Sagittarius!

As Neptune Consider just calming the heck your professional, spiritual, and love sectors. If watch Netflix’s The Kissing Booth several enters your eighth house of Money down this week Scorpio. Tone you take the right actions now, you will surely times while tenderly cradling a tub of and Finance today, you’ll be feeling down the intensity, stop getting all reap the benefits of a healthy bank account Chunky Monkey Ben and Jerry’s. more generous with your material up in everyone else’s face. There’s and a euphoric, passionate love life. Too There, there, let it out you pathetic possessions.

Build some good karma and nothing specific in the planets for you bad you are far too indecisive to loser. make a donation to a worthy cause: my Venmo right now, we just all think you need to take make any of this actually come to is @Maya-Williamson-1, any amount is welcome. it down like 11 notches. fruition.

Out & About

Tiger’s take on local eats and acitivities. Take one of our suggestions for a lively weekend adventure.

STORY 바나나 아이스크림, Tiger Fight Club Champ

FUN After Mosaic Church’s pop rock concerts, sometimes you just need to chill out with some spiritual meditation. Dual Crossroads, the “#1 Metaphysical Supply Store” (besides Ms Jaroch’s classroom) in South Pas, offers candle smells that never fail turn you on — ranging from sandalwood to coffee.

ART Urban art is taken to another level at SPMS. Peruse the artistry on a myriad of lockers, each handcrafted from brilliant artists of Ms Tanaka’s class. Pieces range from “Lilo & Stitch Riding a Wave While Hula Dancing” to the deep abstract imagery in “Anime Wolf Howling at Sky.”

FOOD Are you tired of Blaze Pizza fundraisers and trendy pizza places? Sit down at one of Round Table’s rectangular tables and gorge on some deliciously greasy pizza after losing your tenth JV softball game. If you’re vegan, don’t worry, Round Table’s exclusive arcade games will keep you busy while you chow down on some tofurkey.

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TIGER: THE BODY ISSUE APRIL FOOLS 2019

BONUS CONTENT

Official guide: campus cliques STORY 바나나 아이스크림, Tiger Fight Club Champ GRAPHIC DWIGHT K. SHRUTE, The #1 #2

Top 10 things you didn’t know about the cafeteria STORY THE BETTER MARZIALI?, iM NOt WriTIng FEatURe & BLUEFACE BABY, ye ight, Second best looking sports editor ILLUSTRATION ALEX BLAINE LAYDER, Hates InDesign Tiger explores the mysteries of the SPHS cafeteria, bringing the deepest and darkest secrets of the facultys’ eating habits out from behind closed doors.

1

The reason why breakfast burritos are only sold on Wednesdays and Fridays is because Mr. McGough eats them all on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

2

Mr. Shotwell and Ms Gill’s first date took place on Teriyaki Chicken Tuesday at the cafeteria Grab and Go line.

3 4 6

The hot chocolate served on rainy days is actually runoff from Mr. Wulf ’s Tesla.

The meat in the chili fries is made of ground frogs left over from the biology lab.

Similar to a death row inmate’s “last meal,” Ms Moonesinghe offers students any two bags of reduced-fat chips before Calc BC exams.

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You skipped 5 You went back to 5 and realized there was no 5 Wait this isn’t one of those 2015 Instagram posts, I thought this was about the cafeteria

Apply to Tiger, but if you get rejected, it’s 1 0okay.

There’s still cope-ugh for you!

Goes to seniors for being practically nonexistent since y’all are plagued with senioritis and didn’t even bother to show up here STORY QUEEN MAO MAO, Not a princess anymore & JACK JACK, Uncontrollable Child ILLUSTRATION “Emily”, Oh wait you’re not Ines

In third, props to the freshmen class for exclusively wearing trendy Brandy Melville clothing because they have nothing else to spend their money and time on!

First place goes to...juniors! SPHS thanks you all for your continuous pretense of being a little Einsteins. We applaud you for sleeping through Valcorza’s and Moone’s lessons and somehow still manage to have 100% overall. Also thanks to juniors for ruining other classes’ chances at passing AP Chem. Where’s my curve????

Trailing behind juniors are sophomores!

Although you guys are in favor of stocking your closet with non-skimpy clothing, at least your taste in music is great! We just love the mumbling and indistinguishable clangs of hArDcoRE rAP.

TIGER: THE BODY ISSUE APRIL FOOLS 2019

BARSTOOL SPHS

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Preview for the totally existent Teacher League STORY EVAN LIU, cornfield resident

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n anticipation of the upcoming South Pasadena Teacher League this April, the competing teams have overhauled their respective rosters, ready to compete in the Spring season. Here is a rundown of the littest, hypest moves from the offseason: All-SPUSD First Team chemistry teacher Ben Ku returns for the Scientists after an MVP season. General managers and scouts drool at the six-foot, two-pound upstart from the science department, who has dominated in his seven years in the league. Ku will play alongside seasoned cornholer Elizabeth Pierson and master of the lab-sigh Dean Papadakis in a new $500 million arena: the STEM Building. But, the Scientists will need to compensate for several key losses. They will also struggle to fill the gap left by former chemistry teacher Irina Pchelnikova, a solid player whose velcros held the team together.

“I can still hear her battle cry, ‘BELLRINGER,’ resounding in my head,” one Scientist exclaimed with a single tear streaking down his face.

The Sweater Vests, the infamous one-man “team” consisting solely of history teacher

Sean Regan, is eager to rejoin the fray in 2019. Regan recalls the alienation that came with the donning of his beige sweater vest as the driving force behind the team dynamic, and he will continue to exemplify the ardent, merciless fervor he suffered in his isolation.

“We’ll just let him have this, I guess.”

Commissioner David Speck said, “It’s not like he can play with one member anyway.”

AP Lang teacher Katie Jaroch will return as captain of the Joined Union of English and World Language Instructors for the Advancement of the Humanities Organization. A formidable force, Jaroch is best known for her dissection of the syntactical devices utilized in Rudyard Kipling’s “On Taco Bell and the Fallacy of the Modern Establishment.”

Tune in on Monday for the season opening triple header. The Lunch Ladies will battle the new expansion team, the Custodians, followed by the rival matchup between the Chinese Teachers and the Spanish Señoras. The action-packed night with conclude with Ms Moones’ Math Mob vs. Mr. Dow’s Science B Team, a battle of the teachers’ classes that kids beg their counselors to switch out of. The games will all be televised on PBS Kids.

Golf scandal STORY BIG AUDS, used to bite people PHOTO 1AMARMADILLO, armadillo is delicious :)

HEADING INTO THE SEASON, Ku is projected to win his second consecutive MVP award.

The SPHS golf team was found performing sacrificial ceremonies during a league opener against Polytechnic, on Tuesday, February 28. Junior Tao Lupien stumbled on the team and immediately brought it to the administration’s attention.

Sophomore golfer Katherine Anthony was found in a concerning state in an open field, frantically circling a bonfire. When confronted, Anthony broke down, confessing that the team usually performs such rituals during the supposed matches.

“It’s really any sort of sacrifice,” she told Lupien. “We aren’t very picky.”

AFTER THE SCANDAL, many have speculated if golf, the sport, actually exists.

The administration had to remind Anthony that she was actually being busted forand needed to provide information about who orchestrated the scheme, not discuss the type of

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“Well,” Anthony continued, “The team exists, but we sort of perform rituals rather than going to games.

We take the bus to the game locations, but instead we find the nearest empty field and hang there until the match is over. We usually just use the time to chant and dance around burning bodies to a drum beat, since we have nothing better to do.”

Since the golf team never attended a game to instead perform sacrificial rituals, there was no explanation behind their success. Upon further investigation, the administration discovered that the golf team hadn’t attended a single match and that the entire team was a facade.

Due to the school’s impeccable scores and overall eliteness, the golf team

became a target for wealthy families to get their students into the district.

The golf team was the perfect cover up for parents to scam their way into the district; spectators weren’t allowed to watch the matches, so there wasn’t any proof in the legitimacy of their numerous division championships, let alone existence. After a discussion with the parents behind the scandal, it was revealed that parents were deciding between a golf or rowing team as a front.

The administration will handle each situation case by case, but in the meantime will prohibit all sacrificial rituals in South Pasadena as punishment to the players involved.

The administration has since handed over the case to the FBI. In response, the FBI has speculated that golf, the sport itself, doesn’t exist.

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sacrifices that she performs.

STORY BLUEFACE BABY, YE IGHT, second best looking sports editor Ch’quarius Aquarius Kentavious III Class of 2025 Sport: Football Strengths: Hit puberty at the age of 8, and at 6’2” and 190 lbs, he’s an absolute UNIT. His body is fit and chiseled like Mr. McGough, but he has the raw size and strength of a pickup truck.

Weaknesses: May become overweight, due to his dieting problems. He absolutely cannot resist the french toast sticks from the SPMS cafeteria.

Prediction: His career will meet a tragic end after falling in the 400’s elevator that couldn’t support his 300 lb. weight.

Jenna Kutzer-Luck Class of 2034 Sport: Volleyball, Basketball, Track Strengths: It’s simple, she is a descendant of the two most athletic families in SPHS history. Any baby born from the amazing Greg Luck and spectacular Kate Kutzer is automatically #D1 bound.

Weaknesses: She is currently only two years old and can’t walk.

Prediction: Will run track at Stanford while also playing volleyball at Yale.

Class of 2030 Sport: Basketball AJ “Vibes” Jaxson Strengths: Insane handles; rumor has it that Jaxson once crossed Zion Williamson so bad that both of his shoes ripped.

Weaknesses: Throws a tantrum every time he misses a shot, his parents sometimes forget to drive him to practices. Has limited range, will have trouble adjusting to the 10 foot rims when he turns nine.

Prediction: Too talented for SPHS, will probably transfer to Loyola when he becomes a freshman.

Emily Spitz Class of 2026 Sport: Soccer Strengths: Ran a 5:49 mile at the 5th grade physical fitness test and she trains with senior Uma Hornish during pupil free days.

Weaknesses: Easily distracted by her ponytail when she plays. Spends way too much of her free time making videos for Tik Tok instead of practicing, getting in the gym, and developing her dribble moves.

Prediction: Will lead SPHS to a CIF Championship game appearance in 2026, but will ultimately end up missing the game in order to fly to Sacramento for Y&G, leaving the Tigers with no chance to win.

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TIGER: THE BODY ISSUE

BARSTOOL SPHS 8 APRIL FOOLS 2019

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“ ,” the statue said in response to the shocking, world-shaking announcement.

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umors were confirmed on the Maury Show during the primetime slot on Wednesday afternoon, announcing that the tiger mascot was indeed pregnant with twin cubs. In a surprising twist, Maury also revealed the father: the tiger statue in the library.

“Ya know, it’s just that bronzed body with those smooth, ripped muscles. How could I resist?” the mascot said.

A BIG PRESENCE ON CAMPUS, the Tiger statue attracts many wild animals to the library.

Expectations “Bro Imma get out at 1:15, go to Pavillions, then come back by 1:50.”

The mascot ripped out into a dance after hearing the news, performing an inspired act to the instrumental version of Thotiana. The scheduled JV pep performance was cancelled for fear of a dropped cheerleader. While the mascot was elated at the news, the statue was not so happy.

The statue, known as a sweet talker among the ladies, is a big personality on campus. He’s well remembered for the numerous stunts he’s pulled, including the time he chucked stolen frogs from the Bio room at an unsuspecting student (at least we think it was him, we didn’t fact check this one).

“He brings that big ball energy that this school needs,” one student said.

The mascot disclosed that she will name both cubs “Janet,” regardless of gender. She previously decided on “Boy” and “Girl” but ultimately reversed that decision, citing the names were too creative for her liking. Winners of the Festivus grand prize will be invited to view the live birth, which scheduled to take place during the next Yoga with Jaroch lunch meeting.

Reality Early Dismissal: Expectations vs. Reality *misses bus* *Coach makes you fill the Gatorade cooler*

“Yo I think we have one of those nice charter buses for our 30 min drive.”

Coach: “Three to a seat.”

Mr. Ku: “I don’t see a dismissal email, so you are going to have to stay in class until 2.”

“Getting out early is so cool.

Everyone will know I’m a hardcore athlete.”

“Whoa, how are we supposed to fit varsity soccer, JV soccer, JV basketball, pep, and band on one small yellow bus??”

“Bruh, thank god I'm missing history. I couldn't survive another boring slideshow about some World War.”

“There’s a 15% chance of rain in Santa Monica, so San Marino cancelled the game. You're gonna have to stay in class til 2.”

“I have a sub in Spanish so Imma get out of class at 1 p.m., even though we gotta home game.”

Badminton occupies office: "Boba Rebellion of 2019" STORY JACK JACK, uncontrollable child PHOTO [REDACTED], not school appropriate Milk. Eggs. Whole-Grain Gluten Free Wheat Bread. These are the three components of a balanced breakfast. In less important news, the SPHS badminton team has finally lashed out against what they feel as unfair treatment.

Unlike the crazy rich Asians at San Marino who are good at everything, the 2018 CIF Division 1 champions were thought to be nerdy kids who had no muscles to hold an actual racket. Though the latter may be correct, the team has still been demanding equality.

The team trapped Principal Janet Anderson in her office the entire night and through late start this past Wednesday. After 15 hours of hiding, Anderson finally slowly emerged from her den after running out of her stock of dried grape skins and tomato juice for sustenance. Trying to escape unnoticed, Anderson ♪tiptoed through the window OHHH♪before she was hit by a serve from junior Charles Liu. Liu unraveled his

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scroll and read the team’s demands: traveling to away games in limos, early dismissals at 8 a.m., and rounding all grades over 89 to an A. “I wanted to rule the school, perhaps the world. The teams around me at South Pasadena are weak. They couldn’t even get to CIF. Pathetic. I have to show our power and submit the school into submission,” Liu said.

In the end, the badminton team was recognized as an intramural team. However, they will continue to use the small gym for practices with exceptions to color guard and band’s ever so important practices. the

Anderson clearly had other, more pressing matters to attend to, such as shopping at Goodwill for Festivus prizes and finding new hats, that she left the conversation for without reaching an agreement.

“Why even is there an article dedicated to talk about badminton?” Anderson asked during a follow up interview with Tiger. “I thought they were the boba club.”

DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS MASTERS, In the end, the badminton team was recognized as an the badminton team has plenty of experience intramural team. storming the castle.

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