Tiger Newspaper April Fools 2022

TIGER

APRIL FOOLS 2022

There’s a new sheriff in town...

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TIGRAWR APRILL FEWLLLSSSS

Most Biased

SPHS’s savior stops the war

Long Live Janet Anderson #LLJ STORY & ILLUSTRATION PENELOPITH, Sticky iPad kid After serving South Pasadena schools for 41 years, SPHS principal Janet Anderson retired in August of 2021, leaving a voicemail-shaped hole in the community’s heart.

Generations of South Pas residents couldn’t imagine a world in which Ms. Anderson wasn’t leading SPHS, and they began exhibiting signs of what medical experts have called “Janderdrawal.”

Speculation about her whereabouts has become the subject of dozens of threads on Twitter and Reddit message boards, and the lore has even inspired a forthcoming investigative podcast. Some claim that she “pulled a Walter White” and changed her name to “Jane Tanderson” in order to escape the town that refuses to let her move on. This theory spread rapidly after Pete Davidson was photographed with a woman bearing a striking similarity to the ex-principal.

NEW NOBEL PEACE PRIZE WINNER [redacted] is currently being celebrated across the globe for his valiant efforts in easing tensions between warring Russia and Ukraine.

STORY VAMPIRA, gigabitten PHOTO OONA, Bubble Guppy 1.0

out of Ukraine this morning. In a viral TikTok posted today, Putin and the young hero can be seen locked in an emotional embrace.

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“Look at me Vladimir, look at me and see the light,” the heroic star said.

n SPHS student has officially put an end to the Ukraine-Russia war after single handedly showing Putin the light and convincing him to cease fire. This spectacular feat earned the social media star the 2022 Nobel Peace Prize, making him the youngest ever Nobel laureate.

After a heartfelt post that Russian officials say led Putin to “shed a tear,” the influencer was privately flown out where he presented an emotional speech.

Putin even publicly announced that the student’s moving message is the sole reason for Russian troops pulling

A rival theory claims that Janet Anderson still controls SPHS. So-called “JanetTruthers” believe that Janderson took the form of John Eldred so that she could maintain her benevolent reign. When asked about this theory, Mr. Eldred laughed, then wiped a large, single drop of perspiration from his forehead and closed the door on our interviewer.

The duo now feature in many posts, with Putin appearing in some of the influencer’s iconic videos. “Smash or pass Donald Trump,” asked the SPHS student in the most recent video. Putin responded with only a cryptic wink.

In a historic exception to ceremony rules, the Nobel Peace Prize committee has announced that the 2022 award ceremony will be rescheduled to accommodate the savior. In fact, reps from Norway are flying to SPHS today in order to personally deliver the beloved hero’s prize.

Nancy Pelosi discovers fire STORY BETHENNY FRANKEL, Saw it on twitter first & MARCH ARIES, Has a pessimistic attitude ILLUSTRATION FROOHT SAHLAD, yummi yummi During President Joe Biden’s State of the Union address on Tuesday, March 1, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi made the shocking discovery of fire. The American people watched in awe as the haggard old crone rubbed her little hands together in an up-and down-motion, subsequently sparking a flame.

Pelosi’s discovery marks the first occurrence of flame in human kind, after Pelosi repeatedly rubbed her hands together for an unidentified reason. (Sheesh!) Some claim excitement. Some claim sexual excitement. (Go Nancy!) Regardless of the cause, this moment caused an uproar online.

“When I saw her rubbing her hands together I was like ‘woah is she really rubbing her hands together right now?’” Brandon said. [Brandon requested to only be referred to by his first name out of fear of bias in news] While the flames grew, Pelosi bared her glimmering, glistening teeth in eerie delight.

It is unclear whether or not she burned her hands.

As of press time, Pelosi was unable to be reached for comment as she is on the lam.

Try to guess the “Tigerdle” of the dayyyyyyyy :p .....................................don’t think too hard about it

TIGER APREEL FUELSS

TIGER

Boos & Bravos

ESTABLISHED 20201020201 COAST GUARD AUXILLARY DISTINGUISHED RIBBON 2011 CRITIC’S CHOISE 2009 KIDZBOP ZUPREME 2004 DISTINGUISHED SERVICE CROSS 1967 FIVE STAR GENERAL 847 B.C. EDITOR-IN-CHIEF ANTITHETICAL TO UR MOM, Super resilient god MANAGING EDITORS LIVING IN YOUR WALLS, Shwee-bop-skadoop-sha-loop- ba-da-bah-bah-bow-wowgoooooosshh AMBABEY69, Holly babeee!

NEWS BETHENNEY FRANKEL, Saw it on Twitter first GRADUATED CYLINDER, Activist

Tiger’s cheers and jeers as true freedom warriors of the United States BOOS BOO to the liberals still muzzling themselves with their masks. FREEDIM!!!!

BOO to rising gas prices. Thanks, Obama. By the way, where is your birth certificate?

BOO to voting rights — I mean voter fraud... Boo to voter fraud.

BOO to Biden. You fell off + ratio + L + Yungboy better.

BOO to the LQTBGZW- community for stealing the rainbow from God. Give it back.

BRAVO to women who stay in the kitchen and raise the kids. I love the patriarchy.

BRAVO to Donald. Go get ‘em in 2024!

BRAVO to DeSantis. My guy!

FEATURE KITTEN, Don’t care. Playing. Having Fun. KRISH PATEL, British (derogatory)

DESIGN MARCH ARIES, Has a pessimistic attitude UWU IN THE STREETS, Owo in the sheets LEVIN, Secretary of labor FROOT SAHLAD, Yummi yummi PHOTOGRAPHY 2048 CUPCAKES MASTER, 12th in Command GOOD JEWISH GIRL, Etai’s twin

BRAVOS BRAVO to Brandon! Let’s Go!

OPINION DJ KHALED LOST AT SEA, The key is don’t jetski at night ARTIFICIAL ED SHEERAN, Your girlfriend calls me bae

SPORTS KNUCKLE $ANDWICH, Sassy southern belle // 30ish and happily single TRUMP PUMPER, #Patriot JIMMY G, Athlete

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BRAVO to straight pride every day. I’m a man and I only hang with other dudes cuz I’m not gay lol.

OHPEENEEON

COPY ANON PLS, Glowingmoose 102.3 FM SCRAM, UK’s best DIY crust grunge garage rap radio station STAFF WRITERS 100 CHARACTERS IN A TRENCH COAT, Hey Siri what is an icosahedron XI JINPING, Your ideal Asian bf VAMPIRA, Gigabitten CYBERCORE WHITE COMMIE, Misandrist SWARLEY, Legend wait for it... dary PHOTOGRAPHERS DEEMA, Bubble Guppy 2.0 OONA, Bubble Guppy 1.0 REGULAR TEXT, Italic text ILLUSTRATORS EASEL, Sweaty-toothed madman BLACK AND TAN, Favorite child GRAPHIC DESIGNER PENELOPITH, Sticky ipad kid BUSINESS AND ADS MANAGER JANDERSON, Jeldred WEBMASTER CHARLIE EPPES, Magician *cough* mathematician FACULTY ADVISOR K2BARNABY, Conundrum VOL. 420 NO. 69 DISTRIBUTED ON APRIL FEWLS. DISTRIBUTION: 1460 STUDENTS; 70 COMMUNITY. 1200 COPIES PRINTED. DISTRIBUTED BY TIGER STAFF FREE OF CHARGE.

TIGER IS PRODUCED BY THE PUBLIC EDUCATION SLAVES AT UPPER MIDDLE CLASS HIGH SCHOOL, 1401 FREMONT AVE, SOUTH PASADENA, CA 91030.

ARTICLES APPEARING IN THIGUOR REPRESENT THE WRITER’S OPINIONS AND ALWAYS REFLECT THE VIEWS OF THE REST OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

TYGHIRR WELCOMES ARTICLES, LETTERS OR REBUTTALS FOR PUBLICATION IN THE PRINT AND ONLINE EDITIONS. ALL LETTERS MUST BE SIGNED AND VERIFIABLE, AND NAMES WILL BE BROADCASTED TO THE ENTIRE COUNTRY. TUGHYR’S MISSION IS TO PROVIDE A RELIABLE NEWS OUTLET FOR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. THROUGH A VARIETY OF COVERAGE, TEEGOR ORDERS LIBERALS TO THINK CRITICALLY AND CREATIVELY, SOLVE PROBLEMS, SET AND REACH GOALS, AND WORK COOPERATIVELY AND INDEPENDENTLY AS RESPONSIBLE CITIZENS. TIGER IS A FORUM FOR DA RIGHT TO BEAR ARMZZ, IN ACCORDANCE WITH MY HOMIE GEORGE WASHINGTON. ALL REMAINING CURRENT TIGER NEWSPAPER POLICIES ARE ONLINE AT TIGERNEWSPAPER.COM INCLUDING: CONFLICT OF INTEREST, LETTERS TO THE EDITOR, CORRECTIONS, SOCIAL MEDIA, PROPAGANDA, VOTING RIGHTS, WOMEN’S SUFFRAGE, AND THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

From Worst to Best: Laatriness Public restrooms are so epic, cybercore white commie loves public restrooms.

C

Tier (General Bathrooms): Starting on a positive note, the sinks of the 500s’ bathroom gushes soothing warm water within just a few seconds of pressing the tap. The restroom smells faintly of pee and is always missing toilet paper or seat covers. Paper towel dispensers are frequently clogged. And since it is at the epicenter of the school, there are longer lines, especially during passing periods.

The library restroom is the prettiest general bathroom, but alas, it’s closed now. Before it closed its stalls to the student population, it was starting to smell like the 500s restroom. The air was suspiciously warm. One of the toilets was crooked. The room is also quite cramped, allowing for only two stalls. The sink has a convenient ledge to rest your phone on. Somehow the trash can gets its own section of the restroom.

B Tier (Best General Restrooms): Love the atmosphere of the bathroom at the 100s and 200s intersection – the dim, yellow lighting is soft yet dramatic. One of the toilets is misaligned, but it adds to the charm. The room feels constantly chilly and haunted — so fetch. There is only one sink with cold water, but the paper dispensers are full. It is only open during brunch and lunch, which is inconvenient.

The new math and sciences building has a shiny new bathroom so it is free from the stench of excrement, but is only open during class times. There is a weird tinkling of children’s bones in the air vents, which is inconvenient to listen to when peeing. The

sinks are way too aggressive: the water is cold and the pressure is too strong. The singular paper dispenser tends to get stuck when pressing the handle. However, it is the reigning champion to me because it is so current.

A Tier (Special Access Bathrooms): I have never been in the band restroom. 10/10 think I could get into the Drumline just to pee in there.

The dance bathroom has been stocking pads and tampons before any clubs did that in the general restrooms. It is clean and has cute tiling with a singular room so there are no other people to overhear, so it feels more intimate.

The counselors’ office bathrooms look so scrumptious. Lovingly scented with Trader Zen and Blue Clover, the room is equipped with two body lotions. For decoration, there is a large vase of flowers beside a small pot of fake orchids. The paper dispenser is very generous, each pump gives over a foot of paper towel. The soap is a bit too watery.

S Tier (Super Special Access Bathrooms): The teachers’ bathroom. Let me in, I want a key. It is the sole second floor bathroom and I deserve to know what it is like inside. I could pee all over the stall door.

The teachers’ lounge bathrooms cannot be real. I have never even seen the door.

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TIGER APPRIHL FOALSS

OHPEENEEON

I, too, would NEVER pass on Beedrill They made so many Pokémon so fine... and for what? My Pokémon smash list: Metapod, Beedrill, Tangela, Vaporeon, Sudowoodo, Quagsire, Gulpin, Milotic, Roggenrola, Garbodor+ 324 more.

STORY UWU IN THE STREETS, owo in the sheets ILLUSTRATION UWU IN THE STREETS, owo in the sheets

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ouTuber Markiplier has recently released his “Smash or Pass: All 898 Pokémon” video, which garnered 8.6 million views and caused widespread panic due to the bizarre selection of Pokémon that he would gladly smash (sexual). A lot of uproar online has focused on one particular decision by Markiplier, the first one to be specific, being that Beedrill is smashable. I, however, stand by his opinion.

The appeal of Beedrill might not be obvious at first glance, but upon deeper analysis, one can find themselves entranced by the raw sexiness the Pokémon exudes.

I am no furry, let’s make that clear, but even I would gladly submit myself to the alluringly sharp stingers the Pokémon possesses. Beedrill’s striking pattern of black and yellow sends a warning of venomous danger, yet it’s this forbidden thrill that draws in its lustful prey.

Taking a step back and observing the Pokémon at a distance reveals the stunning curvature of Beedrill’s body, enhanced by its jaw-droppingly voluptuous abdomen and supple thorax. As one’s eyes follow the contour of the Pokémon up toward its face, what immediately captivates are its ruby-like compound eyes — the color of ripened fruit and a sign of fertility and desire for dominance.

Genuinely, the smashability of Beedrill is beyond pure human comprehension.

Apart from Beedrill, Markiplier has highlighted several other Pokémon that he would also smash. Disappointingly, the YouTuber has chosen a few Pokémon that fall in my list of hard passes, examples being Lopunny, Gardevior,

and Salazzle. The problem with these Pokémon is not that they are not attractive, but that they are too attractive.

Such blatant marketing to the straight-male-closeted furries is a massive turn-off for cultured individuals such as me who enjoy the finer things in life.

That being said, there are a number of Pokémon that Markiplier chose in his video that I happily approve of. Pokémon like Diglett & Dugtrio (three times the fun), Vanilluxe, and Charjabug — breaking the mold of conventional attractiveness yet remaining provocative, as well as providing both utility and usability — take the cake for me.

Despite awakening a whole new generation’s love (sexual) for Pokémon, Markiplier has failed to recognize the allure of a considerable amount of Pokémon. Metapod, for example, is well-known within the community as a must-smash thanks to its signature ability. Similarly, Vaporeon is also widely accepted to be the “most compatible Pokémon for humans” because of several factors including its egg group, “water-based biology,” and learnable moves.

Quagsire is one of my personal favorites. Despite fitting into the conventionally attractive mold, it stands out as the most aggressively sexualized Pokémon that’s hard to overlook, thus earning its place at the top of my definitely smash list.

Much like how liking lolis isn’t illegal and liking traps isn’t gay, liking Pokémon is not beastiality. Feeling sexually attracted to Pokémon is an integral part of my identity.

It defines me. Markiplier has taken the very first step forward in the recognition of Pokésexuals as a part of the LGBTQ+ community, and we must follow suit. It’s okay to like Pokés!

Who Runs The World?? Guys!!!! #TheFutureIsMale STORY SWARLEY, Legend wait for it... dary ILLUSTRATION XIJINPING, Your ideal Asian bf & TRUMP PUMPER, #Patriot It fills me with an enormous surge of disgust to say that in our day and age, it’s literally scary to be a man. The neverending onslaught of guilt that is projected on to men is disappointing, disgusting, and dare I say downright un-American.

And for whattttt? Why should we be blamed for our superiority? Massive bruh moment. Men, if you’re reading this, first and foremost I want you to know that you aren’t alone. Second, I want you to know that you are a survivor of a hate crime against your gender. Third, this is as much a wake-up call as it is a call to action. It is time to take back our power.

What has happened to this once-beautiful nation? Am I the only one who remembers America for what it used to be — a prosperous country that prioritized two things over everything else: profit and the patriarchy. Just thinking about it brings a smile to my sculpted, cleanly-shaven, strong-jawed face.

Perhaps it is misguided to place the blame on America, perhaps we should place the blame on a certain division of Americans. Women…They are the true culprits.

Frail. Weak. Mindless. Boring. How could they believe they are anything but lesser to the ever-powerful man?

Women have two roles: give child to man and make dinner for man. (If the child is male then make dinner for child too. If the child is female, don’t feed it! She doesn’t need to eat! I say start ‘em young and teach them what’s to come!)

In recent years, I have had to watch on in utter repulsion as the feminist movement has gained traction. For so long, I have wanted to speak up. And I am most definitely not the only one, I tell ya!

“I hate feminists,” an anonymous source said. “The movement has been super uncomfortable for me. But I’ve been really scared to come forward because I don’t want to be canceled. But like, at some point you gotta say ‘enough is enough.’ Like, I love my TikTok army, but not as much as I love justice.”

Average men, just like me and you (I am assuming you are a man seeing as women are dumb and can’t read), have been getting cancelled like there’s no tomorrow.

Just look at Ansel Elgort! (Side note: I love Baby Driver because I am an indieloving soft boy uwu owo.) Despite saying that he “never and would never assault anyone” his career was placed in jeopardy after FALSE allegations came to light. I don’t want to be put in that situation, but after this whole Ansel thing — I feel like no one’s safe.

And if I’m in danger, then I might as well risk it all, baby. I’m putting it all out on the line. I’m speaking up because I refuse to be silenced any longer! I am a powerful man with a powerful voice and I deserve empowerment — so do you!!

This one goes out to all my fellow macho men who don’t feel safe exercising their own voice. Since the feminist movement has gained attention, we have been oppressed. No one wants to acknowledge it. No one wants to talk about it. But this NEEDS to be discussed.

I just want to live in a society where I feel safe sending my little boy to school.

I want to be able to scream at hot chicks on the sidewalk and sext 17-year-olds (Ansel, my man!) without fear.. This is our time. Hear our war cry. I can’t believe we still have to protest this crap.

(Also it’s really not that deep. Ladies, just go back to the kitchen and make me a sandwich lol. #Mennnn2024)

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TIGER I PITY THE APRIL FOOL

FACEBOOK

PREMIUM EDITION KITTEN, Don’t Care.

Playing. Having Fun.

MY MEGAN FOX ERA

Q

: About two months ago, I made the decision to move in with my partner of two years. I thought that this would be a step in the right direction for our relationship, yet his demeanor completely changed when I moved in.

He constantly spouts these nonsensical maxims he refers to as “major keys.” The other day he told me, “the major key is to make me a sandwich when I get home from work,” and I completely snapped at him. I still feel terrible about it, but I can’t stand him anymore. Do you think that moving out would improve our relationship? Can what we once had ever be restored?

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: Although I believe that everyone is entitled to a sandwich when they get home, I totally understand where you’re coming from. Moving in with your partner inevitably means that you’ll be spending more time together. In the best circumstances, this can strengthen your relationship, but it can also make things awkward or even unbearable. In fact, I was once in a situation quite like your own.

TOOLAA:Your Mom’s House TIGER’S OBSCENE OUTINGS IN THE LOS ANGELES AREA STORY LIVING IN YOUR WALLS, shwee-bopska-doop-sha-loop-bee-dee-ba-da-bah-bah-bowwww-goooooosshh ILLUSTRATION UWU IN THE STREETS, owo in the sheets

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out-of-shock-nasty like I-need-to-pinch-the-bridge-ofmy-nose-like-the-Twohey’s-logo nasty. There is straight up garbage EVERYWHERE, and you had at least like 12 empty Dasani water bottles on your dresser broooo nooooo Dasani lmaooooooo.

our mom said not to come over until she was sure you were asleep, so I arrived at your place around 4 am.I got a glimpse of a photo from one of your Little League games (nice bowl cut, loser), and noticed a table with a bunch of clear jars that just contained like…preserved vegetables? Garlic and stuff? Why? I want to eat them.

The posters in there bro, come onnnnnn. Machine Gun Kelly wearing nail polish (no doubt to cover his grimy fingernails) and the messiest eyeliner I have ever seen… that’s your king? Next to MGK was a poster of Pulp Fiction.

Name like 5 Pulp Fiction songs. Betcha can’t, stupidooo.

“Siri, set a reminder to eat the contents of the jars in that lame dude’s mom’s house.”

I slid open the closet door and piles and piles of Nike hoodies and cargo pants exploded out and knocked me onto the floor. Even worse — these hoodies were drenched in ANARCHY.

I snuck up the stairs cuz that’s where ya mom was at lol. It’s the next morning. Another glorious day at your mom’s house. I could finally see everything, and I was free to putter around because you left for school. Have fun studying business lol be the next Mark Zucky.

The bathroom is beach themed (meow). A glass bowl of sea shells sat on the corner of the sink, and all the towels had cute little starfish patterns on them. I took a wittle peeksy into the shower. You had hair all over the drain and the shelves were STACKED with AXE body wash.

You’re 27, you freak. Stop it stop it stop it. The scent of the body wash is called “Anarchy”. What does anarchy smell like? WHAT DOES ANARCHY EVEN SMELL LIKE?!

The drawers contained a single uncleaned razor, an almost-empty bottle of Dior Sauvage, and a toothbrush that looked like someone took a bite out of the bristles.

I knew better than to look at the toilet and darted outta that beachy mess. My conscience was like “Come on, don’t go into their bedroom. You’ve done enough.” But I did it anyway, that’s just what I do tho frrrr. Make money ayeee.

I don’t even know where to begin mannnnnn. Like it was sooooo nasty like scrunch-your-nose-up-to-youreyebrows-and-wince nasty like damn-I-need-to-exclaim-

I was having a good old-fashioned tussle with the pile of girl-repellant when your mom called me to the kitchen.

Your mom made me these cheese and cracker thingies.

You know you should really appreciate your mom more, like, tell her thank you, and stuff. Cuz I do. I appreciate your mom.

Anyways, I finish the snack and I walk over to the fridge and I’m lookin at your juice collection. Literally only apple juice. Damn, boy, you really live like this? Apple juice is a nothing juice, it tastes literally exactly the same as an apple just eat an apple bro at least it would work out that nonexistent jawline of yours. ORANGE JUICE, HOWEVER CONTAINS MULTITUDES. Go check your fridge for orange juice. If there’s orange juice just know I did that. That’s mine. Have some. Maybe it’ll make you less insufferable.

I did my thing, so I’m heading out. But wait. What is this I see? MEGAMIND DVD WITH EXTRA SCENES AND FEATURES?! I swiped that sick super rad DVD and I walked out the door. I made sure to lock the front door with my copy of the house key, and slipped it back in my pocket. I’ll be back. Cuz I appreciate your mom.

When I moved in with my ex-boyfriend three years ago, he started demanding that we participate in binding rituals and taking mugwort before bed to induce what he called “tantric night terrors.” It was only after I started making my nightly perusals of Megan Fox’s Instagram page that I realized he was a Machine Gun Kelly fanatic, and I’m not into that punk stuff at all! I knew that I had to leave him.

Because my apartment complex is a Taurus moon, I knew that the change couldn’t be sudden. The last time I kicked out a significant other, a sinkhole formed in the parking lot swallowed up my poor Kia Soul and if nothing else I will NOT part with my brand new tandem motorcycle.

I incrementally gathered his MGK paraphernalia and disposed of it in the alleyway behind my apartment over a period of two weeks. I started with his DIY nail art tools, then the fake Vivienne Westwood necklace and stanky ripped skinny jeans until there was absolutely no trace of him left. Finally, I coaxed him into the bathroom with a tattoo gun and a sprig of palo santo and whispered “Colson ‘’ in the mirror three times. Poof! Just like that, he was gone. If there’s one thing I know for sure, I will NEVER be anybody’s emo girl.

If you want to be mature, I would sit him down for a heart-to-heart conversation. Explain to him that his preaching makes you uncomfortable and that you would much rather unwind on the couch with the Home Alone box set after a long day than make him a BLT. But honesty and emotional intelligence is for boring adults. If you want to do it the more interesting way (and coincidentally, the easier way), I would exploit his annoyances for your personal benefit! Does he hate noise in the mornings? Sing as loud as you can in the shower! Is he obsessed with cleanliness?

Leave him a little gift on the bathroom counter every day (the gift is used makeup wipes).

When he complains about it, tell him that he’s not accepting you for who you are and maybe it’s time for us to see other people. That way, you can take none of the blame and guiltlessly chatter about how awful he was with everyone you meet. It’s really so simple!

TIGER APRIL SCHMAPRIL

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Mai Tais, Zen, and the mystical art of Tetris STORY DJ KHALED LOST AT SEA,The key is don’t jetski at night ILLUSTRATION DJ KHALED LOST AT SEA, The key is don’t jetski at night

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t’s April 1, 2022. A month ago, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released a report about the impacts that global warming will have over the next 100 years.

The Associated Press described this report as “an atlas of human suffering.” The report, a book length write-up on the specific and grotesque hell that will almost inevitably emerge thanks to a lack of meaningful efforts from today’s leaders to curb climate change, paints a bleak, borderlineapocalyptic vision of the future of the human race.

To the average man, this may seem like cause for concern.

A future of guaranteed resource wars and human suffering on a scale beyond what is currently imaginable might at first present a challenge to upholding the status quo. To the enlightened man, however, the inevitability of future suffering does not negate the joy of the present.

Ryan Long is, without a doubt, an enlightened man.

Despite the nature of his job that surrounds him with reminders of the suffering that lies in wait for humanity, Mr. Long is able to find joy in the simple things.

“Every day,” says Long, “I seek out a new cover of Psy’s ‘Gangnam style.’ It makes me feel just like a kid again. It reminds me of my wife and what her life must have been like back in Korea.”

This is an approach that Long takes to all aspects of his life. Every morning, he looks through a seemingly endless closet of borderline identical Hawaiian shirts to find the perfect look for the occasion. Every afternoon, he plays a game of tetris to ground himself in the present and to

achieve a high score that will make his students proud.

Every night, he compels his wife to prepare him a new beef dish in order to explore his tolerance for foreign cooking. This was a realization that came to him during his journeys to Hawaii. Long was already a worldly man, but it wasn’t until his stay at a Polynesian resort that he began to develop his philosophy: One fateful day, Mr. Long — sipping Mai Tais out of a ripe coconut and watching the waves — noticed that a small hermit crab sparsely left its shell, only to gather food and momentarily bask in the Hawaiian sun. This crab, he realized, was almost exactly like him. And yet by leaning into a life of total simplicity, the crab was happier than anyone Long had ever met. This was all it took, and within weeks Long had begun preaching this dogma to all those who would listen.

Eventually, Mr. Long packed his Hawaiian shirts and returned back to California. Though he missed the luaus and beach drinks, he knew he would be better off putting his philosophy to the test.

“I liked Hawaii,” Long said, “But once I became a spiritual Guru, it wasn’t really for me. I missed my wife and remembered that I had left my son at LAX.” To this day, Long argues that simplicity and mindfulness are key in ones life. In a turbulent world, the only joy we can find is in the constants. Mai Tais, Hawaiian shirts, and ‘Gangnam Style’ to name a few. Watching the same documentary about the viscerally unengaging history of crude oil three times a day may seem mind-numbing to some, but true enlightenment, argues Long, is understanding that this is far from the case.

It is very interesting to be interested in interesting things STORY 102.3 FM SCRAM, UK’s best DIY crust grunge garage rap radio station ILLUSTRATION EASEL, sweaty toothed madman Turns out, end times are pretty fun and spring break is the perfect opportunity to bring your Dionyesian bacchanalia fantasy to life. Stomp barefoot on the grapes of wrath and recommit to an empowering heirloom variety of emotional jihadism. It’s called dedication. Tiger put together a guide to three extreme life sports: bragging about your interests, brunch, and breakups.

Interesting Interests: In a world where nothing seems to meet the inexorably high standards of a self-diagnosed covert narcissist, there are a few simple, earthly pleasures that still do the trick. Buy a turntable and only buy records that sound awful on vinyl

but are limited edition and look really sick. (i.e. A$AP Rocky, Charli XCX).

Only watch challenging movies and extra points for being able to get through all of a subtitled foreign film about a middle-age crisis of mortality. If a movie doesn’t require deep concentration and a sick-ass internal monologue about how cool it is that you’re watching this movie right now, did you even watch it?

“performance art.” Once you get to the table, flip your chair around and straddle it (casual dominance). Pick one utensil and insist on returning the other two to save water (make sure they actually give your spoon and knife to someone else and aren’t just placating like all of your friends who “don’t really get you”). Wear a highly political graphic tee everyone to have a defensive conversation about why the shirt isn’t offensive and why finding it offensive is a symptom of our crushing, regressive, neolib nanny state.

Better Brunch:

The Art of the Breakup:

Brunch is a tired Sunday Funday L.A. cliché. It calls to mind expensive athleisure, tasteful Botox, and backless shoes. However, if done the right way, brunch can be an uncomfortable subversion of social expectations and stylish posturing that will embarrass you, but impress everyone else with your commitment to socially commentative

Break-ups aren’t just romantic. You can break up with anyone: a friend, a therapist, Joe Biden’s henchemen’s auto texts beseeching you to tune-in to his geriatric State of the Union, or a holistic healer who just can’t seem to align your chakras properly no matter how many times you Venmo them a sum of $55 in their studio/backroom of an artisanal cheese shoppe. Breakups have untapped potential to be the weight room for your own personal linguistic gym. All it takes is a little imagination and a commitment to obfuscating your true intentions via aggressive pop-culture referencing.

The perfect combination of sweet/sour are the lyrics of Ms. Lana Del Rey and Bill Murray’s lines in ‘Rock the Kasbah.’

Cut the tension with an art-historically curious “What if someone had told Picasso not to be sad?” (‘Blue Banisters’).

Do whatever you want for the middle bit. They only remember the beginning and the end anyways. Finish on a politically addled high-note that will leave them with a weird taste in their mouth. “No! You do not lecture me about courage, about my country. Never. Never. Never. Never. Not you. Not an American. You people. You talk and talk. Have been talking at us for far too long. Courage? There are more death threats on this show than singers.” (Bill Murray in ‘Rock the Kasbah,’ of course).

Superlatives when you’re in a silly, goofy mood Most likely to give you a pow-pow: Mrs. Laron

Most likely to love whipped cream: Monet Cajayon

Most likely to say cha cha cha when singing happy birthday: Ms. D’Almeida

7

TIGRESS APRIL 1, 20TWENTYTWOOO

Suns Out, Balls Out

The king’s latest birthday rager exposes inequity STORY AMBABEY69, Holly babeee!

GRAPHIC MARCH ARIES, Has a pessimistic attitude

T

he Man. The Boss. The King. Thy who is too powerful to be named has once again cordially invited us peasants to his half-birthday rager.

TikToks rave about “licking all 26 lips,’’ and finding the “female elbow.” (What does that even mean, bro?)

Those that are accepted via follow-request into the Instagram page still have more hurdles to cross, due to the unfortunate state of the half-birthday rager economy that was absolutely totalled by the coronavirus pandemic. After handing in their “repost this on your story” deposit, admitted applicants must contribute at least 15 g’s of Truffula Tree, or 15 large Thneeds. Thneed supplies are not provided by the rager either, only adding to an already high cost.

In order to attend, one must commit the revolting task of requesting to follow thy Instagram page @ragerking2_ v2litdablit420lit. The sports team (who shall not be named) will be facilitating the massive number of requests, narrowing a pool of 149,000 applicants to only 6,300 admits, nearly comparable to the This comes at a time when the average impenetrable fortress of UCLA. high school allowance has dropped to a record low of 15 dollars a week. And under “This year’s half-birthday rager party the Thneed-lords that exploit the rager applicant pool was substantially more economy with their massive subsidies, competitive than the last, especially since prices for Truffula Trees are only we took away the fake ID requirement increasing. Loans will take the average to compensate for the Chinese exports high schooler about 10 years to pay off. tariff,” rager Dean of Admissions Blonde Fortunately, if one’s weekly allowance is Tall White-Boy said of this year’s rager’s below 7 dollars, they are eligible to bring applicant pool. “That being said, we still only a bottle of their parents’ best Lorax. received incredible applicants from Still, ragers exacerbate inequality by ‘cultural appropriation white girl’ to overrepresenting private school students. ‘maranatha chick.’”

Alleged misogyny and the high price of As implied by the derogatory attendance are fueling the question, “Are categorization of women — sorry, females ragers even worth attending anymore?”

— these boys are raging heterosexuals. Sure, you gain access to influencer Perhaps it can be attributed to fragility? mansions and networking with 1000+ Accusations of fragility are only follower IG platforms. But maybe awkward exemplified by the team’s unfortunate grinding — what we’re really paying for — lack of anatomical knowledge. Their isn’t too much to miss out on.

Rain Drop, Drop Top, Water Go Plop Plop???????? against lord knows what because of how gross that death trap was.”

Players who contracted one of the many pit-borne illnesses have recovered, and are expected to return when they are not at risk of spreading the plague. Though the students declined to comment on their experiences, they have floated the idea of suing the district.

According to Quezada, the teams are now playing at the bottom of the drained pool. Coaches frequently admonish players who are not “simulating water drag” accurately.

STORY 100 CHARACTERS IN A TRENCH COAT, hey Siri what is an icosahedron ILLUSTRATION ARTIFICIAL ED SHEERAN, Your girlfriend calls me bae As yet another drought runs rampant through our bodaciously scorched state of California, SPHS sports are struggling to stay afloat (literally) as a new policy will limit water use by draining the pool dry. The controversial decision has left aquatic-based athletes utterly baffled.

After all, how is one supposed to play a water sport without any water?

Rather than suspending water sports for the duration of the drought, athletic coaches have been notified by admin that the lack of water will not, in fact, have a profound impact on H2O-based sports and have encouraged teams to come up with “creative solutions” to keep playing.

“At first the school turned the pool into a giant ball pit, but they were cheap and got the nasty McDonald’s kind,” boys water polo athlete Zackary Quezada said. “Players almost suffocated to death at the bottom of the pool. We couldn’t find them for hours, I can still hear their muffled screams. On top of that we’ve had to get a dozen vaccines

“We’re literally moving in slow motion at the bottom of the pool,” said Lewis Polansky, also of boys’ water polo. “The coaches are now yelling all like ‘stop moving as if we were pretending to play water polo on land.’ Which is exactly what we’re doing.” He closed with a plea to “just for the love of all that is good in this world bring the water back.”

“I know it’s been difficult for everyone to adapt to… whatever this is,” SPHS Coach Abe Rilfules stated.

“Regardless of the strangeness that the drought has wrought, I’m really proud of the teams for sacrificing their dignities for the sake of the good ol’ game.”

Much to the chagrin of water sports, the drought is expected to last 69 months because people in this country are potatoes who think global warming isn’t real.

2021-2022 All Time MVP(s): James Dowd(s) PHOTOS UWU IN THE STREETS, owo in the sheets, DEEMA, Bubble Guppy 2.0, 2048 CUPCAKES MASTER, 12th in Command, REGULAR TEXT, Italic text

TIGER <3

8 AHHHHPRIL 1, 2022 16

Suns Out, Balls Out

Boys basketball 2 $waggyyyy, turns heads STORY ANTITHETICAL TO UR MOM, Super resilient god & KNUCKLE $ANDWICH, Sassy southern belle // 30ish and happily single PHOTO GOOD JEWISH GIRL, Etai’s Twin Let’s give a round of applause to the basketball boys for raising the bar of SPHS sports. The team exemplifies Tiger spirit and intersquad bonding through its highcontrast professional photoshoots in the gym, custommade matching ties, that eye-battering pre-game spotlight dance performance, and daily lunches on campus with coach. SPHS should count its lucky stars that it lays claim to the most stylish ballers in SoCal. If you’re anyone who’s anyone, your Insta feed has been twice-weekly blessed by game day photoshoot flicks; 5’7 juniors flexing it up in their uniforms in front isn’t something I thought would persuade me to drive down to Temple City to watch three hours of men losing their balls. I am a sucker for duck lips and rippling biceps coupled with clip-art text, goddamn. A minor letdown is the transition from suit Tuesdays to preppy quarter-zips with dress pants and unlaced Air Jordans, clad with the everpresent orange-striped tie.

After flashing the Miss America-worthy smile on my SAC card, I try not to break my neck as I ascend the bleachers and eagerly anticipate what I’m really there for — the pre-game hype. Picture this: The starting five sit down in chairs mouthing fake words to each other in a skit, while lights are dimming, spotlights moving, and the rest of the team lines up to prepare for an electrifying hype-up.

Game day motivation bop “Clear Eyes Full Hearts, Can’t Lose” by T. Powell pounds through the speakers. The announcer roars out the name of the starting five as they

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run through the athlete line-up with a god-like aura as the spotlight illuminates them. We only got to witness this momentous moment once, and let me tell you….chills.

Spine-chilling. Bone-chillding. Knees qucking. And yes, this actually happens.

Help SPHS find the sports it should adddddddd;)

The game itself is practically an afterthought, as minds still reel from the divine exposure of raw beast mode.

Next year’s crop are thankfully being groomed for the spotlight, already back in the weightroom and perfecting pre-game rituals for posterity. We love you boys ;).

Perpendicular or Parallel?

CHARLIE EPPES, Magician *cough* Mathematician STORY

Stripped of my god-given right to PEE The bell rings as I make my way into AP Gov and slip my most prized possession into a plastic sleeve made for shoes, taking my seat. My mood is instantly lifted by Ms. Nielsen’s bitmoji on her Google Slide agenda, which is staring cheerfully into my gaze. I pop some Ritalin, take a couple of sips of water, and I’m ready to analyze the political cartoon of the day. Mike Luckovich! My favorite!

Despite the 90 degree weather since January, (psst climate change isn’t real), the cursed room of 125 was still a blizzarding -10 degrees.

I lift my knees up and pull my short sleeve shirt over to retain some warmth to no avail. And then I felt it. An intense flurry of rage surmounted my bladder. I begin to lose focus and my vision blurs… but not so much to still read the time: 10:42. I start to shake my legs as I look back and forth between the clock and the 20/20 rule on the colored cardstock poster posted next to the door.

Egg-throwing Rugby Cricket Shin-kicking Cheese-rolling Bowling Lacross Surfing Quitich

Alex Elixir Hodis: G.O.A.T. documentary coming to a theatre near YOU on Fryyyyyday, April 1.

PHOTO

REGULAR TEXT, Italic text TIGER

I decide to go. I hold my head down in shame thinking of how irresponsible of me it was to not have tended to my bladder during brunch and having to miss such valuable class time. Man! I really don’t want to miss out on learning about the Federal Budget Process!!

I quickly sign myself out and rush out the door to the library where the closest bathroom was. However, when I got there, I was met with a sign in all caps on printer paper that said: “BATHROOMS CLOSED.” I sighed and decided to go to the ones by the 200s building. Once again, I am met with both the disappointment of the locked door and my strength’s failure at prying it open despite hitting the gym every day. I stood there frustrated and glanced down at my watch.

My hopes of only rushing out and back to class to catch the lesson were crushed. Still, with every moment, my kidneys pumped quickly waiting for my command to release. I head over to the 500s. The most popular bathrooms on campus. They have to be open right??

Nope. I am wrong again. My emotions are overwhelmed with anger at the incompetence of SPHS admin, despair of missing out on such an important class (how else am I going to be an educated citizen!?), and pure desperation for my bladder to return to a state of tranquility. I give it one last go at the STEM building. Locked again. Gosh, darn those vapers and 9th-grade boys.

If only developing a nicotine addiction and reverse engineering a toilet made school less depressing for me too. I pat my right pocket and my eyes lit up as I felt my car keys. I walk out the gate to Diamond, drive home to pee, and never go back to class.

APRIL FOOLS ISSUE