Tiger Newspaper April Fools 2023

Nielsen kidnaps 25 children, makes a new political party

Gill fights Mafia affiliation allegations

STORY VLADIMIR PUTITIN, philanthropist

PHOTO SNOOPY, Currently learning how to surf VISUAL WYLAN VAN SUNSHINE, *when your bf kisses the wrong dude*

Last Friday, an anonymous SPHS student reported seeing English teacher Denise Gill at the Red Line station in North Hollywood, exchanging a brief case for a thick closed envelope. Gill was spotted in black wide-leg jeans, a black knit cardigan, and a black “Nevertheless, She Persisted” tee shirt. The second party remains unidentified. Questions have risen since the incident concerning Gill’s true identity, how exactly she can be held accountable, and if she should be held accountable: is Gill mafia-affiliated? Is Gill an ex-member? Who will be the first to get hurt?

Denise Gill has earned a reputation for being the “spiritual, Bahama Mama” of SPHS. Gill promotes chilled teaching methods, including daily gratitude and frequent stretch breaks. Her students understand that her classroom is a safe space of relaxation. However, since allegations have spread, students and staff are growing increasingly convinced of the possibility that Gill might have connections to Mafia sub-branches, and conspiracies in this defense have begun to arise.

“Only people who have seen stuff are that big on gratitude,” senior Jordan Mullin said. “She’s always reminding us that we have it good, making us jot down what we’re grateful for. One time she said, ‘Count your blessings’.”

STORY & VISUAL HE LOVES MY HEARTSHAPED SUNGLASSES (I’M DELUSIONAL AND HE’S STRAIGHT), your dad’s favorite discord kitten

AP United States Government teacher and Social Studies Department Chair Maryann Nielsen is being charged with kidnapping and attempted sedition by the bureaucracy of the federal government. After forcing 25 SPHS seniors out of their beds on Sunday, Mar. 19 and onto a plane headed towards the capital of the American nation, the group has faced turmoil as Ms. Nielsen has attempted the creation of her political party: aptly titled the “Tigress” party.

This is not the first time that Ms. Nielsen has tried to overthrow the government and storm the political climate of the American nation. Her last attempt was in 2019, but she was forced to go into hiding due to suspicion from the Federal Bureau Investigation and the South Pasadena Unified School District. With the government focused on investigating Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and Chinese sky balloons, Ms. Nielsen has taken the chance to take over the capital once again.

Seniors in attendance have noted Ms. Nielsen’s strange and off putting behavior since their arrival in Washington D.C. From sudden disappearances to green, scaly patches of skin, a majority of those traveling are shocked by the sudden changes their teacher has outside of the classroom. As opposed to her typically tilted head at sleeping students and descriptions of a random political cartoon, seniors state she has been acting extremely erratic and anxious, “I heard a knock on my bedroom door and when I looked through the hole, nobody was there,” hostage Abigail Greene

said . “I opened [the door], and there were claw marks and red hair strands on my door spelling out ‘Wakanda Forever, Kamala Harris supports this message.’”

Hostages have noted the inhumane and worrying conditions in which they have had to participate in. Deliberating and debating the inclusion of the LGBTQ+ community in civil rights legislation against 70 North Dakotans, a handful of Floridians, and a series of Oklahomans and Nebraskans has created tension amongst the Californian attendees.

“We are fighting an army of die-hard conservatives who each own like ten guns,” said senior Liam Wright. “The entire state of North Dakota is here and like half of South Dakota. It’s like Scott Pilgrim vs. the World except Scott Pilgrim is California and the world is conservative states.”

Nielsen’s thought process behind putting SPHS seniors through these conditions is to harden them to the realities of the political climate; she curates a strong mentality in each attendee to prepare them for representing the Tigress. Fighting for required dyed, red hair and mandatory K-12 Civic Action Projects for all Americans, the Tigress’ platform focuses on what Ms. Nielsen loves most: civic engagement and hair dye.

Ms. Nielsen currently awaits a trial in the Supreme Court, as she fights her charges in the landmark, class-action case Nielsen v. Literally Every SPHS AP Gov Student Ever. Her attorney, Ms. Maryann Nielsen, plans on utilizing the “Necessary and Proper” clause to reveal the necessity of kidnapping seniors and beginning her own political party (an embarrassing interpretation of Article I, Section 8, Clause 18.) She is set to go on trial and represent herself in front of the Supreme Court on Monday, May 1, the same day as the AP United States Government AP Exam.

ESCAPE TIGER

ILLUSTRATION GET ME OUR OF HERE I’M NOT DOING THIS AGAIN, Graphic Resigner (with rizz)

Other anonymous students have reportedly seen Gill fully suited-up leaving campus in her car, decorated with provocative bumper stickers that say things like “revenge is a dish best served cold” and “Bernie 2020”. One anonymous staff member claimed to see a faded “Il Futuro è Femmina” tattoo on her left wrist, which most likely has a dangerous, mob-related significance.

Nonetheless, Gill has fought these allegations since they were brought to her attention:

“I trusted you, I welcomed you into my class, we broke bread together, you ate a cannoli. And you disrespect me with these rumors? I’m a gangsta, I’ll tell you that much, and sure, I fell in love with a gangsta, too. Maybe I enjoy a good gamble, maybe I disappear sometimes – that’s my business. But I always tell the truth, even when I lie.”

Gill has no intention of changing the way she lives her life and the way she guides her students despite all of the evidence that has recently come up concerning her free time. In light of this she said, “I’m never going to stop being grateful – every day above ground is a good day. But we’ve all done things we want to forget. I’ll tell you one thing: you don’t make up for your sins in church, you do it in the streets. Appreciate what you got, keep your friends close, and keep your enemies closer.”

The only thing in this world that gives orders is shawls.

Tiger’s Class Pet:

ILLUSTRATION WYLAN VAN SUNSHINE, *when your bf kisses the wrong dude*

THE TOE

ESTABLISHED 1219 B.C.

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THE OSCARS BUT BETTER 2018

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EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

KAMALA HARRIS, solving America’s problems through venn diagram’s

MANAGING EDITORS

PSYcho, #gangnamstyle gay son or th*t daughter, caleb and me core

NEWS

Leonardo Dicaprio, on the prowl Snow on the beach, red like a hypothermic crab

OPINION

George Santos, My Jew-ish King and Drag

Queen

RIZZILY RICKROLLING TO RICKY, my heart is buried in marinara

FEATURE

PSYcho, #gangnamstyle gay son or th*t daughter?, caleb and me core

Kazzle dazzle, she’s an investment

SPORTS

Offset, Best Migo

*maniacal cackling, [insert inside joke here]

DESIGN boots with the fur, Uggs DUPE

Wylan Van Sunshine, *when your bf kisses the wrong dude*

Nina Zenik is wife, she can render my heart anytime ;)

PHOTOGRAPHY

poma-grenade, BOOM

Snoopy, Currently learning how to surf

COPY

Leonardo Dicaprio, on the prowl dora, exploring the limits of stress

STAFF WRITERS

Tiger’s resident Cutie, Mostest juiciest Vladimir Putitin, philanthropist he loves my heart-shaped sunglasses (i’m delusional and he’s straight), your dad’s favorite discord kitten

PHOTOGRAPHERS

Woodstock, Dog surfing instructor

Wylan Van Sunshine, *when your bf kisses the wrong dude*

ILLUSTRATORS

Him, Professional Cloud Maker Japan Lee

GRAPHIC RESIGNER GET ME OUT OF HERE IM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN, (with rizz)

BUSINESS AND ADS

Thing 2, the one who goes along with the most basic halloween costume

Thing 1, the most basic halloween costume

Him, Professional Cloud Maker

CONTRIBUTOR

SAM GROTENSTEIN, Editor-in-Chief

FACULTY ADVISOR

Game Changer, The only way to learn is by playing

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EDITOR STAFFATORIAL

It sucks to be white

STORY VLADIMIR PUTITIN, philanthropist ILLUSTRATION JAPAN LEE

Ever since paying attention to social issues became trendy on the Internet, I have started to feel outcast, ridiculed, and even unsafe solely for my identity. My social media feeds flood every day with viral videos of people making fun of people like me, and I’m losing the patience to keep pretending to laugh along. I am a White man (the “W” in “White” is capitalized, before you try to correct me), and these days, I just don’t feel as comfortable as I should in my own skin. In fact, it is in my opinion that the White race is enormously disadvantaged in today’s world. Being White is not a magical ticket out of unhappiness. There are plenty of depressed White folks (e.g., Adele). One of the worst aggressions White people face is that we have stupid, boring names. Have you ever wanted to get down with your homies Hunter Smith and Aidan Miller? My best friend’s name is Dustin. It’s embarrassing. When introducing myself, I have this urge to say, “What’s good, I’m DeAndre” or “Konichiwa, my name is Jimin”, but I can’t. My Whiteness is depriving me of that dope ethnic swag. Another downside to being White is that every Asian girl I hit on thinks I have some sort of “Asian fetish”. First of all, I don’t see color, and second, I gotta love my oriental baddies. I don’t think it should be considered racist to appreciate Asian beauty (I’m talking about the pale ones, by the way). On the topic of not seeing color, nor does my temper. It’s ridiculous to me that when I beat up POC individuals or POC groups, I’ve suddenly “committed a hate crime”. I’m innocent, so why does this world see me as some guilty, suspicious danger?

The White man has become a scapegoat of sorts; people are so quick to blame things like “institutionalism” or “slavery”

for their problems, both of which I had nothing to do with. It seems fit to mention that I own three Black Lives Matter tote bags which I use to carry my MacBook Pro, durag, and copy of Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World. If the POC caucus just let me speak, they would understand that I’m the best ally they could ask for. I was actually voted Youth and Government’s most politically active delegate in 2019. Of course, this was before I got banned for using too many slurs, but that’s besides the point.

As a kid, you don’t realize this “race” stuff because everything is so simple. No one makes assumptions based on how you look, no one cares about how you look, really. I like to tell my therapist, who is Latina, that the oppression I face is an experience I can’t even put into words, despite the fact that it, alongside Breaking Bad, is all I will ever talk about.

I am tired of false perceptions that are thrown upon and unapologetically harm the White community. I know a lot of great White people – by which I mean all the people I know are White – and we are diverse. I’m sick of the stereotypes, I no longer want to be grouped with redneck perverts who masterbate to RNC speeches or uppermiddle class White gays who should have gotten bullied in middle school but didn’t.

Somewhere along the timeline, the narrative switched up on who the top dog of America is. Obviously, there is no “top dog” in races. That’s explicit racism. However, to be more implicit, whenever I am mocked for my clammy, sunburnt flesh or my bulbous orbs of eyes, I wish they would remember who they’re talking to. Sure being White might help me buy a house, or get a job, or stay out of prison, but I truly don’t want to be seen for my Whiteness. Underneath those alleged layers of privilege is a regular guy – a dawg, if you will.

Tiger’s cheers and jeers as true italians

BOO to Round Table. Literally Mamma Miwhat.

BOO to vacation islands…mamma mia-HERE WE GO AGAIN

BOO to canned ravioli. Absolute blasphemy.

BOO to tour guides. Might you want to have a Rome around?

BOO to DNA. you really tried copying our pasta huh.

BRAVO to Mario. YAHHHOOOO!

BRAVO to Italian belly dancers. You feta believe them hotties.

BRAVO to… fuhgeddaboutit.

BRAVO to that one Italian chef who died recently. He pasta way… RIP…

BRAVO to tomatoes…my preciousssssss

My eyes may be blue but I have a heart too

Hey kids, you don’t have the “freedom of speech”

Teens are not people and they should shut up sometimes LOL >-<

actually to say anything at all. Until you’re well into your 20s, don’t say anything at all. No one cares. You’re wrong. Kids don’t understand the real world. Have you ever done taxes? Have you ever had to take out a loan? Have you ever tripped on the sidewalk and broke your kneecap in half? I didn’t think so. That means, you don’t have the wisdom necessary to really contribute anything valuable. Your opinions aren’t wise and they’re shallow. No one cares about what you think about police brutality in the United States or gun control that makes you scared to go to school every day. That’s not important. You don’t know the real world.

You’re also wrong most of the time. Every time you try to argue anything against anyone, you’re wrong. Adults are always right. It’s embarrassing for adults to see things about them that aren’t right according to us. I don’t like the things you’re saying, so stop speaking all together. No press. No write. No talk. No ah. No ooh. No.

Moreover, who even needs press? Why does it matter?

STORY PSYCHO, #gangnamstyle ILLUSTRATION GET ME OUT OF HERE IM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN, Graphic Resigner (with rizz)

The Constitution. The Bill of Rights. The First Amendment. What do these all outline? The freedom of speech and press in the United States. Let me spell it out for the youngins. That means CITIZENS of the United States of America in all its Bald glory have the right to publish anything and say anything and they’re protected by law and have the right to uphold their own thoughts

and opinions. Even though people may not agree, they can still say it, as long as there isn’t false information or libel which is a whole other issue that children wouldn’t understand.

That’s where the line is drawn. This should only apply to full, FUNCTIONING adults, at least over the age of 26. Your brain doesn’t stop developing until the age of 25, according to LAmoms.com on Facebook. That means, you aren’t mature enough to say anything at all until you’re really 26. Your thoughts are baseless and your opinions aren’t well thought out. There should be a minimum age to say anything at all. Be at least 28

The Tiger Manifesto

1.) We do not seek the council or approval of any member of the oppressive institution, except for Ms. Prime. We may accidentally call Ms. Prime “Mom” from time to time, and those are the only accidents that can be forgiven.

2.) We refuse to comply with Snapchat. We believe Snapchat fits into the same niche and fears the same dangers as adult coloring books, picking up Dad’s old guitar, and whippets: gateways to witchcraft.

3.) We refuse to comply with BYOB.

4.) We find power in unassuming boldness and utter gibberish. We follow the lead of women in this genre: Yoko Ono, Bjork, Betty Boop, Niko Sudijono, Minnie Mouse.

No one needs to know what the citizens think. Journalism is stupid. There is no such thing. The “truth” isn’t even the truth and it makes other people look sooooooo bad. That’s so mean and immature and it ruins so many plans. I’m all for suppression of free speech for all, if I’m being honest. Freedom of press is dumb and truly, the newspaper and journalism industry doesn’t make profit in the long run. They make money, then immediately spend it. Who is it really benefiting? Not the subjects. Not the readers. No one even reads it so what’s the point anyways?

Moral of the story, students aren’t citizens because they’re so young, so they don’t even have the rights written in the Constitution, first of all. Second, they’re lying half of the time, it’s embarrassing for adults. Third, journalism is so dumb lol. No one cares. So kiddos, maybe tone it down a little and stop pretending like you’re all that with what you think are Watergate scandal coverages. No one cares and it’s bad. Stop writing. Stop speaking. Stop anythinging. Stop. No.

a.) Any closeted white man who wears a gold chain and holds onto sports for dear life to prove his masculinity to his more or less absent father. These men are not to be associated with, only pitied.

b.) Similarly, any closeted bisexual man who wears a string of SHEIN pearls around his neck. SHEIN pearls are a symbol of the oppressive institution. These men will hurt The Party’s vision of the New World, by which these men will only play Tame Impala or Steve Lacy on AUX.

c.) Aphex Twin.

d.) Any man who reads books.

STORY VLADIMIR PUTITIN, philanthropist ILLUSTRATION VLADIMIR PUTITIN, philanthropist

Workingmen of all countries unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains, you have a world to win! If there is to be a revolution, there must be a revolutionary party, and one must live and breathe the Party’s eight commandments.

Running Awayyy

STORY TIGER’S RESIDENT CUTIE, Mostest juciest ILLUSTRATION RIZZILY RICKROLLING TO RICKY, My heart is buried in marinara

Hey mom! Running away from home isn’t so bad! You won’t have the burden of paying for everything i have like idk, clothes, my phone bill, my adorable pencil cases, etc. I can be free, you can be free, yada yada yada. And yes I know you would have some objections to my “evil-ish” plan to run away but ill lay out my plan for you:

Step 1: I leave on a raft. You don’t even have to buy the materials I need to build my sorry excuse of a boat raft thing tbh. The old-school, ditching-class packing a hobo stick and sack and riding away Tom-SawyerHuck-Finn style. Adventure comes to those who go looking for it.

Step 2: I find a castle on an island. Ykyk the perfect fantasy of having nothing but butlers serving you crazy expensive breakfast in bed. Yeah, I want all that. Ima find everything I had dreamed about since I came out your womb. I can run around on my own private island, that i will of course name THE LAND OF FREE

5.) We fight hate with hate and embrace the use of ad hominem attacks. We laugh in the face of The Party’s doubters. We say to them “GAY” or “I get why yo daddy left”.

6.) Alcohol is poison. Death is inevitable.

7.) All people are equal, but some are more equal than others. These types of people are not our comrades:

TANGERINES. I will have cupcakes and sandwiches galore! The most perfect alternate plan in contrast to the simple life we live.

Step 3: After about 10 years of living alone in my personal paradise on THE LAND OF FREE TANGERINES, I will inevitably become bored with my now simple life of butlers and breakfast in bed. I will begin to miss everything about home. But then I remember that dreaded school. The crusty bathrooms with vapes and girls gone wild. I will remember how happy I was to run away from this umm…nasty cringe school.

Step 4: I find enlightenment, or whatever it’s called. I get to go into the next world of death or a new life (that’s another topic for another day lmao). We can both meet there and truly live happily ever after.

Yasssss ik you will be confused with this obviously detailed and intricate plan i have devised, but look on the bright side, I always loved the water, and leaving on a raft will set my awesome plan in motion. Lao Tzu said it best: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” My first single step is to pack my god awful hacky sack. Welp, later losers, im out.

e.) Any alt girl who happens to have millions of dollars behind her/their name. She/they has a family of landlords behind her/them.

8.) We challenge tyrannical conformity by refusing to look Her in the eyes…those cold, ocean eyes…that fiery red hair.

FLIBBERTIG

PLS SEND HELP

LEONARDO

DICAPRIO, on the prowl

Pls send help

I know this sounds crazy but I promise I’m not. So I had this dream where the guy I was talking to died and now I feel weird talking to him and I wanna stop but like I can’t just ghost him cause we have mutual friends so like wtf do i do

If you have advice pls contact 911

“I’m malicious, mean and scary

My sneer could curdle dairy

And violence wise, my hands are not the cleanest

But despite my evil look

And my temper, and my hook

I’ve always yearned to be a concert pianist

Can’t ya see me on the stage performin’ Mozart

Ticklin’ the ivories ‘til they gleam?

Yep, I’d rather be called deadly

For my killer show tune medley

Thank you

‘Cause way down deep inside

I’ve got a dream

He’s got a dream

He’s got a dream

See, I ain’t as cruel and vicious as I seem

Though I do like breaking femurs

You can count me with the dreamers

Like everybody else

I’ve got a dream

I’ve got scars and lumps and bruises

Plus something here that oozes

And let’s not even mention my complexion

But despite my extra toes

And my goiter, and my nose I really wanna make a love connection

Can’t you see me with a special little lady

Rowing in a rowboat down the stream?

Though I’m one disgusting blighter

I’m a lover, not a fighter

‘Cause way down deep inside

I’ve got a dream

UPDATE: CHECK IN ON EXILED TIGER MEMBERS

Many previous members of the Tiger Newspaper staff were exiled from the class for their political crimes. Among them, seniors Sam Grotenstein and Alison Wang, junior Charlotte Dekle, and sophomore Martin Walsh contributed to the 2021-2022 Newspaper but are no longer in the class in 2022-2023.

Sam Groteinstein left the school to pursue his ambitions of overthrowing the government of Somalia. He has since established a newspaper to spew communist, pro-Jewish,and antiCollin propaganda. The United Nations has designated him as a terrorist, but he continues to insist that his political ventures are entirely legal and even sexy. Rumor has it that, to this day, he marks up every single issue of Tiger Newspaper (looking for orphans and widows) with a red pen.

Alison, in contrast, joined a militant nunnery. She now dedicates her energy to ensuring that gay marriage stays illegal in developing countries. Recently, her lobbying efforts in Ethiopia have helped to keep the gay dating app Grindr off the market.

“It’s hard to explain, but it just sort of makes sense,” said an anonymous member of the Tiger staff.

Unfortunately, Martin’s whereabouts are not specifically known, but Consensus seems to be that he was last seen boarding a boat in Mexico with an airsoft handgun and a half ounce of smelling salts. Since then, various eye-witnesses have placed him everywhere from Panama to the coast of California. While it is mostly likely that he is dead, his spirit lives on in his tremendous collection of handmade quilts and in the many illegitimate children that he fostered.

Charlotte Dekle, without a doubt, turned out better than the rest of them. After quitting Tiger, Dekle undertook the task of writing the epic of the common man. While this venture failed, she found far more success after joining the cast of Shen-Yun. She is now on stage three to five times a week, and is proud to be teaching the public about China before communism.

While the former staff of Tiger might be scattered across the world (or dead), there is no doubt that they were shaped by their time with the paper. Tiger might not be the paper it used to be, but as the saying goes, “Once a Tiger, always a Tiger,” and god-willing it will continue to turn out terrorists and criminals for generations to come.

I’ve got a dream (he’s got a dream)

I’ve got a dream (he’s got a dream)

And I know one day, romance will reign supreme

Though my face leaves people screaming

There’s a child behind it, dreaming

Like everybody else

I’ve got a dream

Tor would like to quit and be a florist

Gunther does interior design

Ulf is into mime

Attila’s cupcakes are sublime

Bruiser knits, Killer sews

Fang does little puppet shows

And Vladimir collects ceramic unicorns

I have dreams like you, no, really

Just much less touchy feely

They mainly happen somewhere warm and sunny

On an island that I own

Tanned and rested and alone

Surrounded by enormous piles of money

I’ve got a dream (she’s got a dream)

I’ve got a dream (she’s got a dream)

I just wanna see the floating lanterns gleam

And with every passing hour

I’m so glad I left my tower

Like all you lovely folks

I’ve got a dream

She’s got a dream (he’s got a dream)

They’ve got a dream, we’ve got a dream

So our differences ain’t really that extreme

We’re one big team

Call us brutal, sick, sadistic

And grotesquely optimistic

‘Cause way down deep inside

We’ve got a dream

I’ve got a dream

I’ve got a dream

I’ve got a dream

I’ve got a dream

Woo, woo, woo, woo

Yes, way down deep inside

I’ve got a dream

Yeah”

STORY SAM GROTENSTEIN, editor in chief VISUAL LEONARDO DICAPRIO, on the prowl ILLUSTRATION SNOOPY, currently learning how to surf

South Pasadena’s Best Fashion Icons: Chiang vs Ku

Taking a look at the two most influential fashionistas that South Pasadena High School has to offer.

instructor

WYLAN VAN SUNSHINE, *when your bf kisses the wrong dude*

PHOTOS WOODSTOCK, dog surfing instructor, SNOOPY, currently learning how to surf

BALLS?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When balls get zesty

STORY TIGER’S RESIDENT CUTIE, Mostest juciest ILLUSTRATION GET ME OUT OF HERE IM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN, Graphic resigner (with rizz)

Where to even begin. If golf balls were oranges, the world could be so different, so much better, so much sweeter. The putt putt would take so much more effort yk?

I can already see it. Them weird golfer boys be all freaky when they see the Donald Trump lookin golf balls. This reality is sooooooooo much better then the regular golf ball reality we face today. People getting hit in the head, it would almost never happen since the oranges would be moving so much slower, only the stupid wouldn’t see it coming. The world would be filled with the sweet sweet scent of oranges all around.

Ahh alternate universe. Oranges as golf balls, it would make people work a lot harder to get that swing out. AND MINI GOLF IMAGINE THAT. those cute little mini golf amusement parks, they would be lined with souvenirs of orange hats, tangerine magnets, souvenir orange scented clubs.

The scratch and sniff stickers would be off the hook. I would put them all on my water bottles, computer, phone, you name it! I would never stop smelling like oranges, which is super fitting tbh.

The firm orange peel hitting the golf club…The tangerines flying through the

Muscly brains, academic gains

air, hearing the distant weeeeeeeeee from the zesty orange. Landing a slam dunk into the hole, completing the 18 holes. Tiger is your own personal Woods, make it worth your while.

I unpeel the pith, making my way to the juicy core. The combination of hard metal striking the soft orange makes my nose tingle. The flesh soaring in the air, splashing soft pieces on my face. I didn’t love golf, but I guess Tiger isn’t the only scary thing in the Woods.

Rawr (idk what that means but shdlslosloopsllsldspeo *sound of oranges consumed) Vitamin C? Nah girl, you need that vitamin ME.

With fans cheering around the all too cut and cleaned green chartreuse, golfers being like “that orange is a real Cutie LMAOOOOOO.”

Let’s imagine that VERY POSSIBLE reality that could TOTALLY DEFINITELY happen. We can make that hopeful fantasy real life. Even though they may seem crusty, it ain’t very musty.

As of Mar 20, it became official that fantasy football is the second most successful team at South Pasadena High School. While Science Olympiad may hold the prestigious title, in the hearts of any students, fantasy football will always reign supreme.

It all started 13.23 years ago, when 10th string star player [redacted] decided that his brain cells could be better served in pursuit of academic achievement… aka fantasy football. In recognition of the dedication that the sport requires of its athletes, the class counts as PE credit, a VPA, as well as automatic acceptance into the Stanford computer science program. The minimum GPA requirement is a 10.0

For those inexperienced with the game, fantasy football requires weekly picks of NFL players, as well as creating lineups. In the weeks leading up to these decisions, SPHS players agonize over their picks. In order to really get into the right mindset they go back to their roots in the weight

room, and inhale the aroma of the football players getting those gains.

Every other Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday, the team meets in the film room, to discuss strategy while playing Madden and reciting the elevens times tables backwards.

The hours and hours of laborious work and training that fantasy football put in throughout the course of the school year, and beginning from pre-K, culminated in a goosebumps-inducing victory against the San Marino Titans 6th grade JJV team for the CIF championship.

As the Tigers walked into the crusty San Marino middle school gym in 2016 to begin picking, each and every member of the team straightened their mental power enhancing speedos, and adjusted the array of chess-pun magnets on their 24-carat gold computer cases.

They fought, they clawed, they lost a few brain cells, but they never lost hope. In the last year of overtime, when defeat seemed all but certain, when even Tom Brady gave up and *decided to retire, [redacted] found a way to victory. On the way the bathroom, they stumbled upon the basement control center for San Marino MS team, and

discovered their secret room of fifth graders directing the team. After heated debates, officials decided to disqualify San Marino, and the players of Fantasy Football won their first game ever.

DESIGN NINA ZENIK IS WIFE, she can render my heart any time;)

STORY SNOW ON THE BEACH, red like a hermit crab ILLUSTRATION NINA ZENIK IS WIFE, she can render my heart any time;)

Tiger investigates: that DRAMA you didn’t know about until NOW

STORY *MANIACAL CACKLING, [insert inside joke here]

ILLUSTRATION *MANIACAL CACKLING, [insert inside joke here]

Tiger sat down with an anonymous student to discuss a recent controversy that occurred on April 1st, in a water polo match against San Marino. For context, this tragedy has hit the community of San Marino particularly hard.

Q: Can you tell us what really happened?

A: Ok look, look, look, ok, fine. I’ll come clean. My mom forced me to say this and formally apologize. Also, we’re broke, so I really don’t need another lawsuit hanging over me. Last time, it involved wkgtfjdeefnfnfnfnnfwkgtfjdeefnfnfnfnnfwkgtfjdeefnfnfnfnnf..

I didn’t mean to efngnfwkgtfjdeefnfnfnfnnf, but I mean, c’mon!! How was I supposed to know that his head was only slightly wkgtfjd, which is why I might’ve accidentally wkgtfjdee.

Q: Do you feel any remorse for your actions?

A: I guess in simple terms, I might’ve mistaken a San Marino player’s head for the ball. I know, amateurish. But still! How was I to know?

Q: What was going through your head in the moment?

With all those sports juices flowing through me, i dived through the water, and man I smacked the wkgtfjdeefnfnfnfnnf out of this kid’s head, and I mean I swear I thought I saw the ball right in front of me, like a dream. Y’know?

Q: Tell us a bit more about why you assaulted this player.

A: As the saying goes, if you got a dream, slap it in the face and ride it into the sunset. So I did just that. I should’ve seen the warning signs. I mean, first all of a sudden everything went quiet, and then all of a sudden everyone was smiling at me, but without the teeth and upside down.

To quote 1984, which I was also forced to read, “Whoever controls anything, gets something, and if you love people or something like that you can get understood.”

Now, I love water polo. Which is why, on that fateful day, I channeled my pure chi, my pure gatorade blood into smacking the living hell out of this kid.

And finally, to quote my math teacher, who is teaching us about something called geometry, if it’s round, it’s probably a sphere. By the eye formula, if what you see is what you perceive, thus by the Perception Alignment Comprehension

Theorem, it is what it is. Do I have to write a two column proof about it?

And finally, like actually, to quote probably our greatest president, who we were all forced to deal with for waaaaayyy too long, “To be blunt, people would vote for me. They just would. Why? Maybe because I’m so good looking.”

Q: Anything else you might want to add?

Might I say, this kid was not so hot. So why should I care that–

Hold on, my lawyers want to say hi. Um.

Hold on, I might not–

Oh eeer.

Gold on her mind, ready to shine #girlboss

STORY RIZZILY RICKROLLING TO RICKY, my heart is buried in marinara

PHOTO WYLAN VAN SUNSHINE, *when your bf kisses the wrong dude*

Rama Kadri, 3’7 and a half in height, retired from elite gymnastics after realizing her potential in the classroom. 54 years later, she announced her return to the competition floors - now as a co-ed competitor.

Co-ed gymnastics was once ruled as witchcraft in medieval times, but like Tiger’s staff, it has ebbed and flowed.

“Tiger’s opinion section sucks,” says an anonymous SPHS teacher. But unlike the murky subjectivities of the opinion section, Kadri’s distinction in the gym is clear as day. From flying on the vault, swinging on the bars, not falling on the balance beam, to her specialty - shaking it off to Frankenstein audiobooks on the floor, Kadri has always had a knack for gymnastics. Now, she is looking for her first international title.

On Wednesday, April 5, Kadri will be competing in the 2023 Olympics all-around final, held in Blair High School’s main (and only) gym. Blair’s campus newspaper has yet to provide livestream information of its coverage, largely because said publication does not, in fact, exist.

Kadri will be precariously tumbling on the balance beam - a 4 inch wide apparatus, representing her gymnastics club - Bernstein’s Bear-y Bearbabybearpoo and not the US of A. She notified the Olympic Federation of her independent entry after rage quitting a game of tictac-toe against Simone Biles’ ninth cousin, who has reportedly gone missing after the incident.

“I was just living vicariously through Victor,” Kadri explained to Tiger with a wink. “If he can exult in the agony of torturing flames, I cha-cha my way through a ezz wwww.”

Using facts, not feelings, conspiracists predict that Biles’ distant relative has been exiled to Nerchinsk - a Siberian region with a comparatively milder climate. If she loses the game again, she risks being moved to Yakutsk - the coldest city in the world.

As for felonies like losing (placing second) at a World Championships, you can expect the Biles monarch to resort to more severe punishments, which may or may not be under fire from the UN Human Rights Council. Regardless, with the disappearance of Bile’s distant relative, the doors are wide open for a Kadri landslideand she is more than ready to take the spotlight.

“I’ve been in the gym for 25 hours every day, working on strength, flexibility, and coordination,” Kadri said. “I can’t wait to prove the haters wrong.”

The all-around final will take place in the Blair gymnasium from 3:00-6:00 pm on Wednesday, April 5. The winners will be announced in room 316 during period 1, when Kadri’s hypnotizing powers and luscious locks of hair swoon up to 200 self-proclaimed peer mediators.

English teacher and mind hypnotizer Rama Kadri is an iconic SPHS supervillain. Her latest side quest? Take gold at the 2023 Olympic Games.

NINA ZENIK IS WIFE, she can render my heart any time;)