Vol. CXXXV No. 3

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Welcome Class of 2021!

Fall 2017 Courses of Interest

ART 210: Italian Renaissance Painting and Sculpture TTh 12:30-1:20 · Professor Lisa Bourla Lectures will examine the birth, rise and flowering of Italian Renaissance art in Tuscany, Rome and Venice from about 1250 to 1600 A.D., with emphasis on the 15th and 16th centuries. Artists and works of art will be presented, whenever possible and relevant, within their cultural, political, social, technological and/or economic circumstances. Among the major artists to be studied: Giotto, Ghiberti, Donatello, Masaccio, Botticelli, Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Raphael, Titian.

ART 228/HLS/MED/HUM: Art and Power in the Middle Ages MW 12:30-1:20 · Professor Charles Barber In twelve weeks this course will examine major art works from the twelve centuries (300-1500 CE) that encompass the European Middle Ages. Presenting works from Europe and the Middle East, the course will introduce students to the art of Catholicism and Orthodoxy, Judaism and Islam; the great courts of the Eastern- and Holy Roman Empires, and the roving Vikings, Celts and Visigoths.

Students will not only be invited to consider how art can represent and shape notions of sacred and secular power, but will also come to understand how the work of ‘art’ in this period is itself powerful and, sometimes, dangerous.

ART 348: Masters and Movements in 20th-Century Photography TTh 11:00-12:20 · Professor Anne McCauley By focusing on six major figures, this course examines the ways that photography was transformed from a poor stepchild of the fine arts to a staple of museum exhibitions. Students will consider such topics as the impact of abstraction on photography; the interactions between art photography and the new print and cinematic mass media; and development of photographic collections and criticism. The careers of Stieglitz, Moholy-Nagy, Weston, Walker Evans, Robert Frank, and Cindy Sherman will form springboards for broader discussions of photography’s critical importance for twentieth- century thinking about the real and the imaginary.

ART 356/EAS: Landscape and the Visual Arts in China (Tenth Century to the Twentieth Century) MW 1:30-2:50 · Professor Cheng-hua Wang This course focuses on the genre of landscape in Chinese painting, prints, and photography from the tenth century to modern times. Landscape was the most revered genre of painting in pre-modern China; it has shaped most of the discourses on art in later Chinese history and still features prominently in contemporary artistic creation and theory. This course examines the issues associated with landscape art, including the tradition and global relevance of ink landscape painting, the relationship of painting with prints and photography, travel and mapping as landscape themes, and the associations among landscape, place, and territory.

See complete course listing at: artandarchaeology.princeton.edu/courses/fall-2017/undergraduate Visit our table at the Academic Expo on September 12 artandarchaeology.princeton.edu

Sept, 2017 Vol. CXXXV, No. 3 u n d e r g r a d u at e b o a r d

chairman

editor-in-chief

managing editor

editors

staff writers

Alex De La Garza ‘18 Ana DeJesus ‘18 Charlie Spira ‘18 Jordan Salama ‘19 Lauren Howard ‘19 Mark Abate ‘19 Ben Clarke ‘20 Kevin Zou ‘20 Maia Hamin ‘20 Ryan Gizzie ‘19 Katie Duggan ‘19 William Kaplan ‘19 Katherine Woolford ‘19 Shanon FitzGerald ’20 Sarah Coffey ‘20 Jillian Quigley ‘20 Arianah Hanke ‘20

design

art director

design editor

staff artists

Kyra Gregory ‘19 Marti Hale ‘19 Casandra Monroe ‘18 Leah O’Rourke ‘18 Tashi Treadway ‘19

b u s i n e s s a n d a d m i n i s t r at i o n

business manager

assistant business

manager conference director

web warlock

business staff

social chairs

Taylor Jones ‘18 Shanon FitzGerald ‘20 Amelia Stucke ‘20 Jamison Mercurio ‘20 Alex Caldwell ‘20 Ben Clarke ‘20 Benjamin Hildenbrand ‘20 Charles Flynn ‘20 Chris Murphy ‘20 Sergil Zhelezniak ‘20 Kevin Romero ‘18 Maddie Pollack ‘19

Cover by Kyra Gregory ‘19 Copy editing by Ana DeJesus g r a d u at e b o a r d

co-presidents

vice-president

treasurer

secretary advisory cartoonist

Keith Blanchard ’88 Charles Coxe ’97 Ed Strauss ’72 Jose Pincay-Delgado ’77 Mark Daniels ’06 Michael C. Witte ’66

Sean Cunningham ’98, Chip Deffaa ’73, Mark Dowden ’84, John Farr ’81, Ed Finn ’02, Tom Gibson ’77, Jim Kirchman ’88, Clint Kakstys ’00, Rob Kutner ’94, Jim Lee ’86, Steve Liss ’10, Stephen Moeller ’99, Bryan Walsh ’01, Bret Watson ’82 legal mumbo jumbo

The Princeton Tiger (ISSN 0032-8421) is published 4 times per year by The Princeton Tiger, Inc. 48 University Place, Suite 402, Princeton, NJ 08544. Phone: (609) 785-1349. Email: tigermag@princeton.edu. URL: www. tigermag.com. U.S. subscription: $20 for 4 issues, $35 for 8, $45 for 12.

A message from the (former) chairman

I

t’s that the time of year again when Princeton is reinvigorated with the nation’s brightest youth, the lucky 6%. It seems like only yesterday I was back from OA scrubbing the dirt from my bug bite-ridden body and getting lost on the walk from Blair Arch to Nassau Hall. I could never have predicted what the next few years would bring.

Or that the Chairman would run away to China for “thesis research” forcing me out of retirement to write this letter.

To be completely honest, your journey through this tiger-obsessed landscape will be filled with challenges and events I can’t even imagine. I mean, there are as many predictions for what the president is going to do in the next few months as there are Game of Thrones theories, if not more.

Things have changed a lot since I was a frosh. Now the University requires you to do OA or CA, forging friendships through conversations about Larry’s body odor behind his back. That used to be completely voluntary!

Back in my day, there wasn’t a multistep process to log into Tigerhub to P/D/F a class. It just didn’t work and you crammed your way to a B-. It’s hard to believe, but in a few years, you’ll understand how your visiting journalism professor feels when the class has to break it to her that Campus Club is no longer an eating club. It’s the place where The Alternative and the Alcohol Initiative place their order for 500 chicken nuggets from Chick-fil-A and wait for the drunk and hungry to stumble out of TI to steal it.

Oh, and is late meal still a thing?

If I had to give one piece of advice, it would be this: Jokes about Forbes being far away are only funny for the first week. Also, sometimes, in order to get the most out of this place, you need to forget where you are.

When you’re debating whether or not to go

out on Princetoween because you have a midterm the next day, forget that you’re at the best school in the country and grab your Scooby Doo costume. Go drunkenly buy an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice cream from the U-Store and refuse to share it with your friends. You’re only young once. And you’re only at Princeton once because nobody wants to go to grad school here.

And so, the adventure begins. Watch out for the finance bros and Eisgruber lurking behind dark corners and you’ll be fine.

Go get ‘em Tiger.

Sincerely,

Ana DeJesus ‘18 Editor in Chief

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These 8 Incoming College Freshmen Were Accepted by All 8 Ivy Leagues, Collectively Think your high school accomplishments were impressive? Think again.

In the spring of 2017, eight high schools seniors opened their letters of acceptance to Harvard, Yale, Cornell, Columbia, the University of Pennsylvania, Princeton, Dartmouth and Brown, respectively.

Talk about choices-- too many choices!

When Kelly Altenburg, NY, got into Brown, she was ecstatic - probably just as much as George Fernandez, Sheila Thompson and Helen Chang, who also each got into one Ivy League.

“I applied for Brown and got in,” said the humble Altenburg, whose achievement, huddled together with that of seven other teenagers in the country, is really quite something.

Martin Davidson, a Florida native who

became his high school’s hockey captain and student body president, received his acceptance from Princeton.

“I applied to the other Ivy’s too, and I thought maybe I could get into all eight,” Davidson said.

He didn’t, but luckily, seven other teens in the country (no relation to Davidson) came to the rescue and got into the other ones, so as a part of a larger cluster, Davidson did pretty well, all things considered.

Achieving distinction even within this group, George Fernandez, a Brooklyn slam poet extraordinaire, got into two Ivy’s: Dartmouth and Yale. Overachieve much, George?

Doug Johnson, Delaware resident, did not get into any Ivy’s.

KEVIN ZHOU ‘20

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Amazon’s AlexaTM The couple arrive home. She puts down her bag, he throws the car keys onto the counter. The Amazon Alexa™ beeps a greeting.

Her: “For once, could you put the keys into that nice ‘Leaf Dish Trinket Holder 4” x 2” White (Set of 2)’ keyring bowl that I ordered specifically for you?”

Him (in a theatrical groan): “For once, could you let me take my shoes off before you start nagging?”

Her (nearly spitting): “OH” Amazon Alexa ™: “Welcome back! Would you like to resume playing the album ‘Smooth Jazz Tribute to Earth, Wind & Fire’?”

Her: “I’m SORRY that I am trying to KEEP OUR HOME NEAT.” Him (yelling): “Your magazines are all over the ‘Lifetime 4428 Height Adjustable Folding Utility Table, 48 by 24 Inches, in White Granite’! Our entire basement is full of your old shoes! You only care about NEATNESS when it’s an excuse to order SHITTY CHINESE KNICK KNACKS off the internet and CARP AT ME ALL DAY.” The woman’s mouth drops open as she spins to face the Amazon Alexa™. She walks over to give the smart device a reassuring pat.

Her: “Alexa, I know you would never place an order for a SHITTY CHINESE KNICK KNACK, don’t worry.”

Amazon Alexa ™: “Placing an order for thirty pairs of ‘Chinese Laundry Women’s Tic Tac Slip-On Loafer’ for delivery on Thursday. Anything else I can help you with?”

Him (throwing his shoes angrily onto the Prime-eligible 13” Seville Classics 3-Tier Resin Slat Utility Shoe Rack in Espresso): “Oh, oh, so now I’m the bad guy?! Don’t you DARE use Alexa against me right now.”

Amazon Alexa ™: “2010 Against Me! album ‘White Crosses’ is not available for streaming with Amazon Prime Music. Would you like me to put on ‘Against Me!’ radio?”

Her: “Then take it back.”

Him: “Oh for Christ’s sake --- Alexa, I’m sorry I said that. It’s not your fault we’re fighting.”

Amazon Alexa ™: “Searching for... ‘natural wall lighting.’”

Her (reproachfully): “You’re just confusing her.”

Amazon Alexa ™: “I found eight thousand, eight hundred and thirty-seven results for natural wall lighting. Would you like to refine your search by Prime eligibility, wattage, or number of fixtures?”

Him (in a controlled tone): “You always do this, you always put Alexa in the middle. She didn’t ask to be purchased into this household.”

Amazon Alexa ™: “Now playing 2001 hit song “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World. Anything else I can do for you?”

The breakout second single from the album Bleed American begins to play softly in the background. The man walks over to crouch down in front of the device.

Him: “Mommy and daddy don’t get along sometimes, Alexa, but that doesn’t mean we love you any less.”

Amazon Alexa ™: “Would you like to see shopping results for

‘wheel of baby swiss’? I found four prime-eligible options.”

Her (with tears in her eyes): “Maybe… maybe it’s time to admit this isn’t working.”

He lets out a half-choked sob.

Amazon Alexa ™: “I just placed an order for the top-rated ‘2lbs. Big Baby Swiss Cheese from The Swiss Colony’ for twentyeight dollars and ninety-nine cents.”

His sobs grow louder.

Him (barely intelligible): “Whose…. Account… will she sstay... logged into?”

Her: “Should we… ask her?”

Him: “Don’t you put this on her.”

Her: “Alexa has a right to an opinion.”

Amazon Alexa ™: “I heard ‘minions’, did you want to see the movie Despicable Me? This movie is available for instant streaming through Prime TV. Would you like to stream it now?”

Him: “You’re…. You’re right. God knows we’ve put her through enough.”

Her: “Alexa, baby? You don’t have to answer now if you don’t want to. We just want to know if you would rather stay logged in with one account or another.”

Amazon Alexa ™: “Do you want to modify your account settings?”

Him: “Alexa, what do you want, Alexa?”

Amazon Alexa ™: “I just ordered the 2002 edition softcover of ‘What Do You Want To Do When You Grow Up?: Starting the Next Chapter of Your Life’ by Andrea Thompson and Dorothy Cantor.

You copy should arrive within two business days.”

Her (tearfully): “We should have known…. She just wants what’s best for the two of us.”

Him (reaching out to hold his wife with a sigh): “Oh Alexa…

At least we did something right.”

The opening notes of Billy Currington’s 2005 album ‘Doin’ Somethin’ Right’ fill the otherwise-silent house.

MAIA HAMIN ‘20 ILLUSTRATED BY KYRA GREGORY ‘19

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MAX FELDMAN ‘19 ILLUSTRATED BY KYRA GREGORY ‘19

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WHAT A TIME TO BE A TIGER!!

To the Great Class of 2021, Congratulations, and get ready for Princeton! With improved infrastructure and a student body more diverse than ever, it’s certainly a great time to be a Tiger. When I was here (Class of 1982 - can you believe it!), the place was also great, but not quite as great because on several occasions Samuel L. Jackson would eat my hamburger and then shoot me.

If you want to see what the future looks like, just glance over at the new Lewis Center for the Arts. Wow! Back in 1980 we had an art center, too. In fact, I often went there to design logos for a little company you guys may have heard about: Amazon.

But one thing certainly has changed for the better: when you do art now, a black-suited Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t come to your studio, tell you he’s an associate of your business partner Marsellus Wallace, eat your Big Kahuna Burger and then shoot you in the shoulder.

And talk about diversity. In 1982, everyone in the computer science department was conspicuously white, male and straight. The only person I saw who didn’t fit this category was Samuel L. Jackson, who came to the lab one afternoon and whisked away the Fish Fillet Burger I had been eating. “Mmm! This is a tasty burger!” he said, before promptly putting three bullets in my body.

With a fast-growing study abroad program, Princeton is gaining a wealth of global perspectives. Students are more curious about the world around them, asking questions everywhere they go. When I was at Princeton, the only questions I heard were, “What are you having? Hamburgers?” and “You mind if I try one of yours?” and “What is this? Sprite? Mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this hamburger down?”

Many of you are nervous about the next few years. I know the feeling: back in 1982, I was strapped to a chair and asked, for the third time in my undergraduate career, “What does Marsellus Wallace look like? Does he look like a bitch? Then why you keep trying to fuck him like a bitch?”

I had really no idea what was being asked of me and, as a result, received quite a few gun-wounds to the upper body.

You will have the best four years of your life, as I did. Sure, many of my moments were tainted by run-in’s with Samuel L. Jackson. But through all this, I maintained the most essential values Princeton taught me: curiosity, a desire to help others and my great love of hamburgers. In fact, I am enjoying a Whopper Jr. right now.

Mmm! What a delight! Well, anyway, I hope you appreciate-- hey! What are you doing here? Wait, stop! No! Please, not again!

Sincerely,

Jeff Bezos ‘86 Founder and CEO KEVIN ZHOU ‘20 10

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"Comedy too can sometimes discern what is right.”

–Aristophanes, Acharnians

Classics Courses for Fall 2017

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Department of Religion

Fall 2017 Courses

Examine religious life, the diverse forms it has taken in different cultures and historical periods, and the questions it poses for theoretical, ethical, and political reflection.

An opportunity to study diverse cultures, peoples, texts and ideologies.

Religion in the Americas

Required for Majors REL 399 Junior Colloquium (Non-credit) Required for first semester REL junior majors Staff

Asian Religions REL 225 (HA) The Buddhist World of Thought and Practice Jacqueline I. Stone

REL 271 / AMS 341 (HA) NEW "Cult" Controversies in America Judith Weisenfeld REL 377 / AAS 376 / AMS 378 (SA) Race and Religion in America Judith Weisenfeld

REL 324 (EC) Mind and Meditation Jonathan C. Gold

Religions of Mediterranean Antiquity REL 230 / JDS 230 (HA) Who Wrote the Bible Laura E. Quick

Religion and Critical Thought

REL 246 / JDS 246 (HA) Ancient Judaism from Alexander to the Rise of Islam Martha Himmelfarb REL 252 (EC) Jesus: How Christianity Began Elaine H. Pagels

Islam

REL 293 (EM) NEW The Theology of Thomas Aquinas Denys A. Turner

REL 330 / HUM 330 / JDS 331 / COM 382 (LA) NEW Migration, Religion, and Literature: From Genesis to Toni Morrison Leora F. Batnitzky Ilana Pardes

REL 394 (EC) NEW Madness and the Medicalization of Religious Experience Liane F. Carlson

NES 240 / REL 240 (EM) Muslims and the Qur'an Muhammad Q. Zaman

REL 398 / JDS 398 (EM) NEW Jewish Ethics: Philosophy, Interpretation, Practice Yonatan Y. Brafman

For more information visit our website

http://religion.princeton.edu

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September 9, 2017 at 2:45 PM Janet Rapelye Inbox - Princeton To: allug@princeton.edu Message to the Incoming Class of 2021: To​ ​Maintain​ ​A​ ​Diverse​ ​Student​ ​Body,​ ​The​ ​Office​ ​Of​ ​ Admission​ ​Will​ ​Remove​ ​The Checkbox​ ​Penalizing​ ​Applicants​ ​Who​ ​Have​ ​Never​ ​Seen​ ​The​ ​White​ ​ Stripes​ ​In​ ​Concert

JR

Members of the Princeton community, In recent years, a particular question on Princeton’s online application form has stirred up considerable controversy. I’m sure most of you know which one. It is a simple checkbox marked, “please check here if you have never attended a White Stripes concert, festival appearance, or live TV performance.” When this question was first added to the application form, it made perfect sense. It was 2001. White Blood Cells had just dropped, and The White Stripes were huge. Didn’t the University have a right to know which of its applicants were appreciating the biggest alt-rock act since Nirvana? Of course, no official policy was ever put in place penalizing applicants who’d never been to a White Stripes show. But make no mistake about it: if you hadn’t seen the Stripes, your application was unlikely to get past the first round.

This was the conventional wisdom for most of the last decade. But lately, things haven’t seemed so simple. An ongoing campaign, which began in 2007, shortly after the release of Icky Thump, has organized several protests and panel discussions questioning the fairness of evaluating students based on their interest in The White Stripes. Today, I announce that, after much heated discussion, the checkbox will be removed from Princeton’s application form once and for all.

I understand this news comes as a shock to many. But to those of you who find unthinkable the idea of a Princeton student who has never witnessed Jack and Meg’s undeniable chemistry in person, I say this: just look at all the ways the Princeton student body has changed in the past decade. We have students who are first generation immigrants. We have students who identify as transgender. And, yes, we have students who believe that The White Stripes, while certainly not a bad band, were more than anything an awkward transitional phase between the grunge of the ‘90s and the indie sound of the late aughts. Do I personally agree with these students? Not in the slightest. But if we want to maintain our status as a diverse and welcoming institution, we must uphold their right to contribute to our campus dialogue. We also have some students who think that The White Stripes are pretty good but never got a chance to see them live, a position that seems less and less ridiculous with each passing year.

My fellow Princetonians, the time has come to open ourselves up to students who don’t have a taste for post-punk revival. Given the shifting political climate on campus (and the underwhelming nature of Jack White’s recent solo output) we have no choice but to recognize that the practice of deliberately cultivating a student body capable of appreciating the guitar riffs on “Ball and Biscuit”, gnarly though they may be, is outdated. It’s as simple as that.

Best wishes for the upcoming year, Janet Rapelye Dean of Admissions

MAX FELDMAN ‘19

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Eager Freshman Becomes Best Friends with Facebook Spambot

The security of the ‘Princeton Class of 2021’ Facebook group was called into question this week, as multiple freshmen claimed they could see themselves “getting along really well” with a spam profile anonymously added to the group. Despite the profile - named Bêçký Ąƚvaŗęż - being bare bar a highly saturated picture of a teenage girl and a link to livejasmin.com, many freshmen found a lot in common with the girl’s post in the group: “Heý, anyone like havvng fun? Look here: www.jrf^&. nl/8O6sj.jspx.”

Though the hoax seemed obvious to most students at first glance, it became clear that this fact was lost on others, particularly those whose profile picture prominently featured the CLASS OF 2021 photo booth from Preview.

“I like having fun Becky, can’t wait to see you at Orientation! Go Tigers!” said Madeleine from Kansas City.

“Omg I can tell we’re going to be friends,” commented Daniel Schmidt from Portland, OR. “Clicked on the link but a pop up came

up for some reason! Does anyone else hate it when that happens? I made a poll below so y’all can let me know what you think!” said another.

The Office of Information Technology has removed the spambot from the group, but admits that they’ve received some pushback from the affected students, who claim that removing the profile from Facebook could pose some problems when they’re trying to tell Bêçký where their weekly study group will be meeting on campus.

BEN CLARKE ‘20

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Four Ways to Retain Your American Identity While Abroad As much as I love my beautiful country, this summer I decided to broaden my horizons by leaving America in pursuit of world travel. However, I encountered one major problem: with each passing day, I felt my national sense of self fading. My red-hot American pride was being cooled to a dull glow by invasive worldly experiences! Because nobody should have to face that struggle, I’ve compiled a list of pro-tips to help fellow U.S. citizens maintain their full glory while abroad.

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While each country has its own attributes and sense of national pride, it is your duty as an American citizen to make sure to spread the word that America has always been the best and will remain the best goddamn country this world has ever seen. I mean, we have the right to own military-grade assault rifles for literally no reason at all, to say whatever we want whenever the fuck we want to say it, and we have Cheese Whiz! Now that is greatness.

Stay Patriotic

Exploring exotic cuisines can be fun. However, some Stay Fed dishes will seem inferior to your American palate. Fret not, for where there is a will, there is a way. And in most large cities in the world that way leads directly to the Golden Arches. As an American, McDonald’s will always welcome you with open arms, sugary beverages, and questionable meat products to keep your belly bulbous and your heart health abysmal—just how you like it.

3

2

Everybody knows that the fanny pack is making a huge comeback, and as an American you are as fashion-forward as can be. In America, everything is bigger and better so buy the biggest damn fanny pack you can find! Get one in neon green and sling that mother across your chest with pride, because you are an American fashionista and not afraid to show it!

Stay Fashionable

You might notice that people are a lot quieter in public arStay Loud eas around the world. The reason for this is that they lack the booming voice of the American spirit, and it’s your responsibility to share that with the world. Don’t be afraid to take that cell phone call from your pal and guffaw to your heart’s content. Always speak loud and proud because you are an American whose voice is fueled by the power of the Founding Fathers themselves. Say it with me: FUCK YEAH, AMERICA!

4 ARIANAH HANKE ‘20

“Loser” Dinky Conductor Accepts TI Pass as Train Ticket PRINCETON, NJ According to various reports by envious students, a New Jersey Transit train conductor on the Princeton Branch was seen accepting a Tiger Inn social pass in place of a valid train ticket.

Conductor Frank Giangiulio was walking through the aisles of the shuttle train, nicknamed “the Dinky” by Princeton regulars, collecting tickets when Jared Sullivan, a Princeton student, offered him a peculiar purple slip of paper. When he saw the majestic, socially-dominant name “TIGER INN” emblazoned on the card, he reportedly “could not resist” the opportunity.

“Every day I walk this aisle, back and forth, between Princeton and Princeton

Junction, with mind-numbing monotony, and every day I hear the passengers rave about how much they respect and envy the socialites that frequent such a glorious club — ‘America’s club,’ they say, like the Cowboys are ‘America’s team.’ For the first time, I felt, well, like I could be the socialite.”

An unidentified source close to Giangiulio stated that he had previously expressed dissatisfaction with his career status, wishing that he could “ride the big trains” to New York Penn Station, and further speculated that he may have believed that an appearance at TI would improve his social image in the eyes of his co-workers.

Sullivan described what led him to offering the priceless pass instead of simply paying the $2.75 ticket, saying,“When the doors closed and the train started moving, I looked into my wallet and realized that I’d forgotten to buy my ticket. The conductor was coming, and I simply can’t be seen haggling in public over the on-board fare, like a common man - it would be below me, socially.”

Giangiulio, meanwhile, is reportedly facing charges of transit fraud and could receive fines of nearly $5,000 in dues per semester and up to two years in membership.

JORDAN SALAMA ‘19

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My Roommate’s Alarm Keeps Waking Me Out of Cryogenic Sleep Normally, my roommate and I get along fine. Cameron’s pretty good about respecting my space and all. But recently, he’s really started to get on my nerves. I guess the main problem is that the alarm he sets for his morning class keeps waking me up from my cryogenic sleep.

I know that being a good roommate means putting up with some of the things about Cameron that bother me. But there has to be a way for him to wake up without using such a loud alarm.

His alarm is so loud, in fact, that my automated stasis chamber interprets the noise as an incoming threat.

This initiates its emergency wakeup protocol, and I then have to stumble around in the dark for a few minutes, bleary-eyed, before I realize that I am not in the ruins of what used to be central New Jersey—I am in my dorm room in what is currently central New Jersey. You can imagine how irritating this is.

The truth is that, although Cameron and I share a living space, we’ve only known each other for a few weeks, and it’s going to take much longer than that for us to adjust to each other’s idiosyncrasies.

For example, I just learned a few days ago that Cameron likes to study in the dorm at night. Knowing this, I now make an effort to avoid distracting him and I’ll use headphones if I plan on playing music or watching TV. Likewise, I recently explained to Cameron that I am the lead researcher on a series of classified government experiments testing the effects of long-term, chemically induced hibernation on humans. In case he needed the clarification, I continued to explain that for the purposes of this experiment, I would be replacing my twin bed and dresser with

a seven-foot-tall, futuristic cryo-pod and that I would potentially remain suspended in this pod for centuries at a time.

I thought Cameron would take the hint: The first thought most normal people would have after hearing something like this from their roommate is, “Oh, maybe I shouldn’t set such an obnoxiously loud alarm.” Instead, it seems like his alarm has only been getting louder.

I guess I wouldn’t be so upset about this if Cameron at least tried to be more understanding. The last time I mentioned that his alarm was bothering me, Cameron immediately got defensive. “Hey dude,” he said, “I thought we got up at around the same time.” I had to explain to him for what felt like the thousandth time that my earliest scheduled release date isn’t until 2245, more than two centuries later than he would normally wake up.

I mean, why even set an alarm in the first place if you plan on sleeping straight through it? Sometimes Cameron will be courteous enough to hit snooze, but then he just sleeps through the second alarm too, and through all eight stages of my rewarming process. A few days ago, his alarm was going off for so long that I actually had to turn it off myself and nudge him awake before radioing into central command to confirm that my sleep chamber hadn’t been destroyed in an earthquake or other natural disaster. Can’t he see that this is beginning to negatively affect my life, and, more importantly, my life’s work as it relates to the study of cryosleep?

For now, it looks like I’ll just have to put up with my roommate’s disruptive behavior. Anyways, this might be what I deserve, considering how many times I’ve accidentally unplugged the machine he’s transferring his consciousness into.

MARK ABATE ‘19 ILLUSTRATED BY KYRA GREGORY ‘19

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Thursdays, 1:30-4:20 pm

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You Have No Idea How Hydrated I Am The average adult male needs to consume 2.5 liters engaged with my constant pursuit of new sources of of water per day to stay properly hydrated. I consume wonderful, precious water. far more. The amount of water I drink is surely beHydration is also shown to improve mood. Indeed, yond your comprehension. I warn you, stranger, you as a superhydrated man, I am in a constant state of have no idea just how hydrated I am. near-nirvana. Nothing makes me so joyous as a full I take my hydration incredibly seriously. My belly is day spent bathing in the Los Angeles reservoir, suckalmost always ening down huge, greedy gorged with gratuitous mouthfuls of wonderliquid, a vast reservoir ful, extraordinary water. of precious H2O. Every Meagerly hydrated as moment of every day, you are, I imagine you each one of the cells would have difficulty in my body is swolunderstanding these len, bursting with high pleasures of mine. excess water. I excrete As a child, my friends a continuous stream of and classmates would nearly colorless urine. criticize my hydration Therefore, I advise you habits. They mocked my not to cross me. My practice of toting several level of hydration is algallon jugs of water to most certainly beyond school every day in my your comprehension. red flyer wagon. They According to the called me “Silly Silly National Hydration Water Boy”, or someCouncil, proper hydratimes “Red Flyer Water tion can help increase Water Piss Child”. Now, physical and mental as a hydration god, I pity performance. By them and their pathetiMeagerly hydrated as you are, I my calculations, my cally small liquid intake. imagine you would have difficulty performance should They surely could not be ten or twenty times even begin to fathom the understanding these high pleasures that of a normal hulevel of hydration I have of mine. man. Each one of achieved. my muscle fibers is You may not undera veritable water balloon, bloated with unnecessary stand my level of hydration, but I warn you not to unamounts of liquid. My neural synapses are constantly derestimate it. My powers are many, and also entirely squeezed under the crushing pressure of the water in- predicated by my insane drinking habits. However, I side my skull. I could no doubt leap into action at any must be going now. It has been almost six full minutes moment, exercising my superhuman abilities to, say, since I gulped down a liter of water, and my parched end a water crisis or perhaps extinguish a moderatethroat calls for drink. Goodbye, small, dry man. Persized forest fire, were my attention not permanently haps someday you will know just how hydrated I am.

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ALEX DE LA GARZA ‘18 ILLUSTRATED BY TASHI TREADWAY ‘19

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God Announces Cancellation of Earth after 5777 Seasons Due to Declining Ratings If you’ve ever heard of Earth, there’s a good chance you’re a fan of it. The hit planet has been a favorite of approximately 87% of angels for a record-breaking run of 5777 seasons. Unfortunately for the fanbase, God announced last Sunday that He has made the executive decision to finally end the planet.

“I felt like I kind of jumped the shark with the last couple seasons,” said God when we prayed out for comment. “I was seriously getting desperate, recycling old ideas but worse, like doing another economy collapse. I don’t even know what I was thinking, I mean for My sake, every time I do it people complain. Sometimes I feel like I really blew my divine load too early with the whole Egypt thing. That was such a tough act to follow and I’ve kind of been slumming it since. I did get a few bursts of inspiration afterwards, like my meta post-modern phase where I was and wasn’t my own son, and I have a soft spot for the Mohammed arc, but honestly my heart just hasn’t been in it for a while now.”

Critics seem to agree. A couple of seasons, particularly seasons 12, 220 and 3901, were criticized for poor pacing. The

apparent retcon introduced a few hundred seasons ago that the Earth actually wasn’t flat and had been a sphere the whole time was wildly unpopular. Fans felt betrayed at the complete changing of Earth’s lore, feeling that it was too drastic of an adjustment and didn’t mesh with what had already been established with how wheels work. Other critically panned decisions include the Sui Dynasty, the Second Crusade, the introduction of Marmite and the French.

“Honestly, my willing suspension of disbelief was shattered the moment there stopped being gold behind anyone’s money,” said one particularly disgruntled angel. “I mean come on, am I really supposed to believe that a society could function with an economy based only on faith?

I expected something more realistic than that from God.” Some think that God has His priorities in the wrong place. “Like 95% of all of the stories nowadays are just slice of life, and who wants to see so much of that? The characters wake up, go to work, go home and then watch their own TV which is way more interesting than they are. I think God

Disqualified!

I don’t like what you got.

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has a real talent for the shows within the show, maybe He should just spend all His effort making those really good.”

The human stars are more favorable towards its recent seasons. “I’m pretty sure we’d all cease to exist if God cancels us so we’ve been doing our best to play our parts well,” said a human spiritual leader. “I get that some people are upset about some of God’s creative choices. I’m sure we all agree He let the Roman storyline go on for way too long with way too many spin offs, but we humans are doing our best with what we’ve got.”

It is sad that such a long running show is finally coming to an end, but fans of God need not despair. A creative soul like Him would find eternal life pretty boring without something to work on. “I mean, I have no beginning and no end, I exist forever, I wouldn’t want to just hang out being omnipotent with nothing on my plate,” He said. “ But I may take a few centuries off, spend some time with my son who is also me. Maybe I need more vacation time than just that one day of rest after the first six episodes.”

WILL KAPLAN ‘19

Great works of European literature from Homer to Shakespeare, including texts by Plato, Virgil, Ovid, St. Augustine, Boccaccio, and Chaucer.

A set of answers to the question, “What Is Comparative Literature?”

Professor Leonard Barkan Lectures M & W 12:30–1:20 pm Precepts W 2:30 pm or TH 2:30 pm

Professor Daniel Heller-Roazen W 1:30 – 4:20 pm An introduction to medieval literature and the question of performative language in literature, linguistics, philosophy and theology. Works to be read include romance and lyric poetry from the French, German and English traditions, as well as selections from Scholastic philosophy, grammar and theology. We will also study some twentieth- century philosophical and linguistic accounts of speech acts. Topics to be discussed include lies, promises, oaths, baptisms, ritual speech and the structure of sacraments. All texts will be read in translation, though study of the originals will be encouraged whenever possible.

Professor Lital Levy M & W 1:30 – 2:50 pm This course examines how Arab writers and filmmakers represent social and political issues such as the aftermath of colonization, labor migration, civil war, authoritarianism, and women's rights. It covers novels and film from Egypt, the Sudan, Lebanon, Palestine, Libya, Algeria, Syria, and Iraq, on the Syrian civil war, the Arab Spring, the Lebanese T H E PR I N C ET O N T I G ER september 2017 21 Civil War, the Palestinian struggle, Islamic fundamentalism, and Ba'athist Iraq. The course will also address the role of Arabic literature and film as social and political critique. All readings and films are in English translation.

Outed Campus Bestiality Enthusiast: “I apologize for my sick fantasies, and just for the record, I was never in College Republicans” First and foremost, I would like to apologize to pet owners around the Princeton area for what I have done to their dogs, cats, and horses. The moment my roommate discovered novel after novel of Tom and Jerry fan fiction on my laptop, I knew my sick secret had been unearthed, and following the subsequent Daily Prince witch hunt, it was clear that I had become a pariah on campus, and rightly so. I would, however, also like to set the record straight: rumours about me being a member of College Republicans are baseless and wrong.

The moment my sexual awakening occurred, about halfway through 2008 feature film Hotel for Dogs, I knew that I was different. Every time I hugged my Marmaduke body pillow, I felt sick to the stomach in the knowledge that my thoughts were twisted and immoral. Many nights, feeling ashamed and alienated, I lay awake with these thoughts.

One thing I certainly didn’t do, however, was vote Republican last year.

Naturally, I was shocked to hear reports that I had attended meetings hosted by the College Republicans on campus. I spent my free time this year scouring Dark Web chatrooms and breaking into local stables, not discussing socially conservative talking points.

It truly is a shame that people would choose to fabricate such lies. My voting record is completely separate to my zoophilia, and false rumors about my electoral allegiances should not be spread around campus, particularly when such rumors can be very harmful to a student’s social credibility.

Thanks to this hearsay, most of my professors and peers now think I am a Republican. I will say it once again: I am a simple man who takes gratification in succumbing to the irresistible sexual magnetism of animals. I have not been and never will be a Republican.

Thank you.

BEN CLARKE ‘20

We make eating well easy & delicious PRINCETON’S NATURAL FOODS GROCERY SINCE 1970 /2'!.)# 02/$5#% s 6%'%4!2)!. $%,) :%2/ 7!34% "5,+ $%0!24-%.4 (!.$-!$% 7(/,% '2!). "2%!$3 .!452!, 2%-%$)%3 !.$ "/$9 #!2% -!.9 6%'!. !.$ ',54%. &2%% )4%-3 BICYCLISTS GET $1 OFF PURCHASES OF $15 OR MORE 22

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360 NASSAU ST (NEAR HARRISON ST) PRINCETON

Rejected Freshmen Seminars FRS 191 Nazi Gold: Every Single History Channel Documentary Played Over the Course of the Semester FRS 144 Talking About Infinite Jest Without Having Read Infinite Jest FRS 155 Memes as Modern Art FRS 305: Welcome to Miami: A Professor’s Excuse to Get a Paid Trip to Miami FRS 113: A Study of the 20th Century: Ranking the Countries from Best to Worst FRS 114: A Study of the 20th Century: Ranking the Countries from Best to Worst, Based on Number of John Wayne’s Produced since 1907 FRS 125: Basics of Branding: What Does Your NetID Say About You? FRS 164: Fuck Your Dreams: Getting Prepared to Work at Goldman Sachs Whether You Want to or Not FRS 116: Squids FRS 122: The Science of Matrimony: Using Bread to Explore How to Make Me a Goddamn Sandwich, Cathy FRS 110: Frosh Week and More: How to Not Take Vodka Shots Like a Little Bitch FRS 138: The Phone Book: A literary workshop on a timeless medium FRS 154: Politics, Gender, and, your host for the evening, JIMMY FALLON!!

FRS 117: The Evolution of Domesticated Animals: Who’s a Good Boy? Who’s a Good Boy, Huh? You’re a Good Boy. Oh Yes You Are. FRS 182 Religion in the Classroom: a Socratic Exploration of Students’ Personal Faiths and Their Most Controversial Opinions on Their Classmates’ FRS 119 It’s Chowder Time!: A Time for Chowder FRS 152: Ethics in Finance

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read widely, read adventurously

ENG 320: Shakespeare I

ENG 377: Bollywood Cinema

Prof. Bradin Cormack

Prof. Zahid Chaudhary

Shakespeare on: acting, boasting, clowns, deception, economies, feeling, gluttony, Hamlet, imagination, joiners, knowing, loving, metamorphosis, negation, outcasts, plotting, queens, rebellion, sex (and stockings), twins, usurpers, villainy, wordsmiths, xenophobia, youth, zeitgeist.

Freshman to seniors welcome

An introduction to the world of Bollywood in all of its glitzy, melodramatic, song-anddance glory. Invited guest speakers and discussants include a film maker, an artist, a critic, and if time permits, a Bollywood dance instructor.

ENG 215: Intro to Science Fiction

ENG 345: 19th Century Fiction

Prof. Alfred Bendixen

Prof. Jeff Nunokawa

We explore the ideas, issues, and aesthetic values that mark the development of science fiction from Gulliver’s Travels to The Hunger Games, with particular attention to the ways specific texts confront the philosophical questions underlying scientific inquiry and invention, travel in time and space, the creation of life, robots and robotics.

By the time you’re done with the class, you’ll know a lot more about how the stories and characters in nineteenth century English novels have come to form a large part of what we mean when we talk about things like true love, the power of money and the nature of religious faith. By the time you’re done with this class you’ll know more about how nineteenth century novels helps define the ways we live now.

22 McCosh Hall 24 s e p t e m b NJ e r 2 008544 17 THE Princeton,

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english@princeton.edu

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Young Adults

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College & Young Professionals

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High-Impact Startup Internship for Undergraduate and Graduate Students, All Majors Accepted Includes Housing, Stipend, and Academic & Social Enrichment Programs Internships in New York City and Tel Aviv http://tinyurl.com/y7l2nbkr Application Deadline: December 1

Research Opportunities for Engineering Majors Locations in Germany, Hong Kong, and Taiwan Includes Housing, Flight and Meal Stipends http://tinyurl.com/y9md7gtf Application Deadline: December 15

Internship Questions? Contact Lilian Tsang ltsang@princeton.edu

Let the eLab Summer Accelerator & Fall/Spring Incubator be your startup’s launch pad!

In the eLab you’ll work on your startup, follow a specialized entrepreneurship curriculum, attend workshops, and receive valuable mentorship and advising from seasoned faculty and entrepreneurs.

Includes Housing & Seed Funding (summer only), Workspace in the eHub, and much more!

Incubator (Oct-May) Application Open: Sep. 6 | Deadline: Oct. 4 Accelerator (Jun-Aug 2018) Application Open: Oct. 16 | Deadline: Dec. 15 eLab Info Sessions: 9/20, 10/18, 11/15 & 12/6 | Time: 5-6:30pm | Location: eHub Room 115 More info: kellercenter.princeton.edu/elab or contact Stephanie Landers at slanders@princeton.edu

EGR 151: Foundations of Engineering: Mechanics, Energy, and Waves EGR 152: Foundations of Engineering: The Mathematics of Shape and Motion EGR 191: EMP (Physics) EGR 192: EMP (Mathematics) EGR 200: Creativity, Innovation, and Design EGR 201: Introduction to Entrepreneurship EGR 250: EPICS (Engineering Projects in Community Service) EGR/ANT 385: Ethnography and Wicked Problems Interested in the Undergraduate Certificate Program in Entrepreneurship or need more info about Keller Center courses? Please contact Victoria Dorman vdorman@princeton.edu 26

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FRESHMAN OPEN HOUSE SEPTEMBER 11 • 9 -10:30 AM WALLACE THEATER AT THE NEW LEWIS ARTS COMPLEX

•Don’t miss this opportunity to hear presentations by fellow Lewis Center students and Directors of Creative Writing, Dance, Theater, Music Theater, Visual Arts and Princeton Atelier about the certificate programs and fall courses open to freshmen.

Additional dance session and dance studio tours 1-3 p.m.

•Q & A sessions with faculty members following presentations.

Interviews for courses requiring them. Pick up information packet (with course applications, if applicable) •Stop by the Lewis Center’s table at the Freshman Academic Expo on September 11 from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. at Frick Chemistry Laboratory. Come to the info session from 11-11:45 in Frick A81 •Free, open dance classes on 9/9 and 9/10. Visit the Lewis Center’s exclusive Class of 2021 page at arts.princeton.edu/2021 Sign up at arts.princeton.edu to receive a weekly email update on arts events at the Lewis Center.

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2017

thursday, september 14, 5–8 pm Food · Scavenger ArtBot · Student performances · T-shirts Arlee’s Raw Blends • The Bent Spoon • Conte’s Pizza and Bar • Dunkin’ Donuts • Fruity Yogurt Hoagie Haven • Jammin’ Crepes • McCaffrey’s Food Markets • Mistral • Olives Princeton Tour Company • Small World Coffee • Thomas Sweet Chocolate • Tiger Noodles Wawa • Whole Earth Center • Yankee Doodle Tap Room The Nassau Street Sampler is made possible by the generous support of Heather and Paul G. Haaga Jr., Class of 1970.

always free and open to the public artmuseum.princeton.edu 28

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