X and 0

X and 0 by Thom Dunn

Current Revisions October 19, 2010

Thom Dunn 10 Westerly Street #1, Jamaica Plain MA 02130 203-645-2073

INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT AGENT 0 sits at one end of a banquet table, pouring herself a glass of wine. Everything about her is voluptuous--her dress, her accessories, her hair--even if she herself is not. The only thing she exudes more than class is danger. A sexy woman if there ever was one, but the kind you know is trouble well before you start walking towards her from across the room.

The table at which she sits is adorned with flowers and a clearly expensive tablecloth. The otherwise vacant room looks more like the setting for a political ball or a wedding than a dinner between exes. Another full glass of wine sits on the table at the place setting across the table from Agent 0.

When she finishes pouring, she places the bottle in the middle of the table and puts her glass down. She sits back for a moment, very un-ladylike, and soon finds herself fidgeting anxiously. She sighs. Checks the time. Crosses her arms, quite clearly perturbed. Finally, she picks up her wine glass and swirls it to get the aroma. Enjoys the moment. She hesitates, ponders, and when she finally goes to take a sip, she stops herself. She pulls back and examines the glass, sniffs the wine again, and looks across the table, contemplating, all the while looking suspiciously around the room. Agent 0 switches the glasses. She takes her finger and stirs this new wine glass with the utmost grace and allure.

She licks her stirring finger seductively--a good wine! She swirls the glass for a moment, takes in the aroma, and then drinks the whole glass down in one fell gulp. She refills her glass. As she sets the bottle back down on the table, she hears a sound off-stage. Agent 0 sits upright, trying as hard as possible to look composed and together.

Sorry You’re late.

AGENT X (entering, exasperated) AGENT 0 X - I’m late. There was um, there was an accident 0 There’s always an accident.

AGENT X is ruggedly handsome in a wellworn suit that looks like it might have been very expensive about 300 wears ago. He is haggard and weathered, but immediately underneath the layers of dust and exhaustion he radiates with charm and wide-eyed wonderment.

2.

If someone looked at Agent X and thought that he was a clever but immature young man who thought it’d be “cool” to emulate his favorite James Bond films and then did so, only to find the lifestyle to be much more exhausting than expected, they wouldn’t be wrong.

0 On the day you die, I’m sure there’ll be accident.

X That could be a good thing, no? Late for my own funeral.

0 I suppose. But that won’t be what kills you.

X Ah, but then I’ve still cheated death. Even if it’s only by a minute.

0 A minute? Darling, I’ve been here 3 hours now.

X (looks at wrist) Would you look at that. (beat) Well, it’s good to see you.

Yes. A pleasure.

0 Agent 0 stands and they cross towards each other. Initially uncertain of how to greet one another, they finally resolve into a very awkward hug.

X and 0 suddenly disengage from their embrace, handguns trained point-black on each other. Blink-and-you’ll-missit. Too bad neither one of them blinked.

0 You always did have a problem...shooting first.

X Who are you working for?

3.

0 Who am I working for? Where you hoping for some wild new acronym to add to your lexicon? S.H.I.E.L.D., perhaps? M.I.6? C.I.A.?

X I heard you were working for W.A.S.T.E. 0 Did you? W.A.S.T.E.? I’m not even sure what that stands for.

X Everyone else thought you were dead.

0 And you thought I was a waste? Well, then. Nice to know you still think well of me.

X What are you doing? What are we doing, why’d you bring me here?

0 Paranoid as you’ve always been. I can tell by looking at you.

You haven’t had a date in years. Not since that place that time with the open sky and the stars that rained like fairy dust around us. You remember, don’t you?

I remember.

X 0 That’s a relief. Honestly, I’m not sure how a girl would feel if a man forgot a night like that. Perhaps I’d find a way to...arouse the memory. If you taught me anything in academy, it’s that memory is a physical trait. What did you tell me?

“The mind is sharp, but the body remembers best?”

Blink-and-you’d-miss-it: they’re making out with the passion of two lovers that just can’t get enough of one another.

Come, have a seat.

0 0 pulls out a chair for X. It’s a chivalrous gesture.

X Shouldn’t that be my job?

0 Haven’t you heard? Chivalry’s dead, my dear. I put a bullet through his head in Prague last Spring. And P.V.A.?

4.

W.A.S.T.E.? They had nothing to do with it. (takes a sip of wine. Agent X simply watches) I simply can’t abide by traditions these days. I’ve taken it upon myself to euthanize them. Oh, I hope you don’t mind that I’ve had a start - I figured you’d be late and didn’t want to have to wait for you to make a decision once you did find your way to my table.

X I told you, I’m sorry. I lost track of the time.

0 As did I. Feels like only yesterday that we made love for the first time in Barcelona, in the mansion on the beach. Tell me you remember that as well?

X I remember. Even if we had let him live, that old man would have still had to re-upholster the billiard table by the time we were done. If it’s not blood, it’s something else.

0 I like to think we did a good dead, giving him a show before he died.

X Is that why you broke his neck first?

0 What can I say, I’ve always enjoyed playing for an audience.

But he wouldn’t have looked away, even if he could. Oh darling, we were feral that night. Absolutely feral. I’m still shaking.

X That certainly was a night.

0 A night? That was unbridled passion. (she takes a sip of wine) Is something the matter, dear? You haven’t even touched your drink yet. I searched far and wide for a bottle like that.

And you didn’t even notice.

Skeptical but curious, Agent X picks up the bottle of wine and examines the label. He smiles wide - it’s in his eyes more than his lips, but it’s definitely there.

X It’s the wine we had on our wedding night.

5.

Very good! And I didn’t men don’t care much for never been that simple. look. There’s something around. Something about Belgium.

Our last supper.

0 even have to jog your memory! Most details, but not you. No, you’ve Still, why don’t you give it a closer you may have missed the first time where the grapes were grown.

X 0

X We all thought you died out there in the blast.

Even you?

0 X Even me. Not at first, of course. The others thought you sold us out. But I knew that you had something up your sleeve. You weren’t that sloppy. Or that stupid. But then I found your ring.

0 And that never struck you as convenient? That you of all people would find it, amidst the rubble and debris? That perhaps I’d left it there. A clue.

I thought about it.

You never called.

X 0 X You faked your death and the first thing you expect me to do is call? I looked everywhere - all our haunts. All our thoughts. All our safehouses. Everywhere. Nothing.

0 Clearly you didn’t look hard enough.

Why didn’t you tell me?

X 0 Because you would have stopped me! Ours is not a line of work where retirement comes lightly. What was I supposed to do?

Give them 2 weeks notice? Just walk away, with a pension and a 401k? Despite what you’ve convinced yourself, your masters are not so forgiving. Now come, let us have a toast. To the past, the future, and to every moment in between.

6.

Agent X forces a smile, stands, and wraps his drinking arm around hers, thereby offering her his own glass.

Reluctantly, she stands, and complies, offering her own glass to him) 0 I thought I told you I had no use for tradition.

X Humor me, then. For old time’s sake. Cheers.

They drink, both awaiting a reaction poison. X and 0 sit down, nervous and uncertain. Nothing happens.

X You look...you look fantastic. Guess the years have been good to you.

0 Yes, well. My new employer allows for a much more leisurely environment than that to which I was accustomed. Ours in particular was a highly stressful occupation. As I can see, it’s certainly taken its toll on you.

Cute.

X 0 Oh, believe me, it is. There is something irresistibly sexy about that worn, rugged look.

X Who is it? Your new employer.

0 It’s a small scale operation. I doubt you’ve heard of it.

Try me.

X 0 It’s a new one. Called L.O.V.E. Tell me, have you gathered much intelligence on that one?

I’ve heard of it.

X 0 Have you? How lovely. Though I suppose that means we haven’t kept our operation under wraps quite as well as we’d have hoped. Truth is, there’s been some talk of downsizing.

7.

X How many agents do you currently have?

0 Oh, how direct! Feigning interest, imitating empathy while making a clear beeline towards your directive. I like that.

You really are as good as they say you are. Of course, I should know. (she smiles seductively and takes a drink.)

Two. There’s two of us. Any more and things become increasingly complicated. Convoluted. We lose focus on the mission.

X And what mission might that be?

0 I’m sorry dear. That’s confidential. Still, I can’t blame you for trying. I never could. Such is the nature of our chosen profession. Perhaps we should change the topic to something more civilian then. Baseball, perhaps? Weather? Which would you rather discuss?

X I’m told it’s a good year for both.

0 I’m sure they tell you all sorts of things. But you don’t have to believe them. Tell me - when would be a good year for you?

Pardon?

X 0 Imagine yourself a fine wine. The finest, even. At what age would I find you the best - to harvest, to produce. You see, I’ve always been afraid that if I wait too long, you’ll only turn to vinegar, and I’ll lose my chance to sip. And if that were to happen, I’d be forced to live the rest of years always knowing that I missed it. I’d fantasize about it every day - but I’d never truly know how sweet and robust that taste could have been.

X We’re not talking wine here, are we?

0 Or perhaps it’s just the wine that’s talking!

Perhaps.

X

8.

Silence. Where to go from here? Agent 0 takes another gulp, while Agent X watches her, equally enamored as he is suspicious.

So where are you-

0 An electronic blip, not unlike a cellphone. Agent X looks down at his watch.

X I’m sorry, I need to - do you mind? It’s Not at all, dear.

- important.

Of course it is.

0 X 0 X (standing, speaking into his watch) Go ahead. Affirmative. Do you have a lateral status for Agent X exits while talking. Agent 0 remains seated, waiting. Pounds the rest of her wine in one gulp. Pours herself another glass. Fidgets. Waits.

Finally, Agent X returns. Once he sets eyes on Agent 0, he is immediately embarrassed.

X I’m sorry, there was an emergency There always is.

0 X - a lead we’ve had for months came through and 0 New objectives. Right. Of course.

You’re not listening.

X

9.

0 No, I’m afraid I’m not. Isn’t that a funny word though?

“Objectives?” Because they’re not very much so, if you think about it. Always changing, shifting with every new bit of “intelligence,” with every leader overthrown and left for dead. Why do they insist on using that word, “objectives?”

Why not “goals?” “Directives?” “Purposes?” Hrm? Perhaps it’s because they’re none of those things. They’re not even objective! How can anything in this fickle world be objective? Everything’s fluid. Always changing. Always evolving. Just like your so-called objectives. Why don’t they call them subjectives instead?

X I don’t know. Maybe ‘cause it sounds stupid.

0 Ooh. It appears I’ve struck a nerve. Don’t worry - I’ll strike another one later. Just you wait. You see, your masters X Stop calling them that. I’m not a-I’m not a slave.

0 Hrm. The men that employ you to execute these dirty deeds that you do so well, they’re careful with their syntax. You see, they don’t want you to realize just how subjective, how arbitrary these missions really are. The men you answer to are constantly forced to re-evaluate their views of the world with every shift in power in every small nation, every disaster, natural or not. But that’s their job, not yours.

Your job is to complete the mission. Fulfill their objectives. Do you ever wonder why your mission never seems to be completed? Nothing ever ends, my dear, because everything is always changing. There’s always something else.

Always one more job. And they have to trust that you continue to see things objectively. Because that makes you easier to control.

Are you done now?

X 0 As a matter of fact, I am.

X I’m married. Re-married. I have a new family.

Silence. 0 is speechless. She was not expecting this.

You didn’t know.

X

10.

0 ...I had...there was a trail, from your accounts, but X But you had no idea. You really didn’t have a clue. All the intelligence you’d gathered, all the cold war games and misdirection, and still you missed it. You’re good enough to fake your own death, but this gets by you somehow?

0 tries to formulate a response; she can’t.

X Or you didn’t want to know. Those paper trails, you just ignored them, in case they led you somewhere you don’t like.

0 I simply assumed it was a coverX A cover. Everything’s a cover with you.

0 Don’t blame me. It’s the nature of the game, you should know that by now.

X Game. Of course it’s a game. Lies over lies, wheels within wheels. You think maybe that’s what got us into this whole mess?

0 So it’s not a cover? It’s not just for a mission, or It’s not for a mission.

Who is she?

X 0 X She’s a teacher. 10th grade history.

0 A high school teacher? You can’t be serious.

Can you?

X 0 Hrmph. So she doesn’t work for -

11.

X No. She doesn’t work for any of them. Unless you count the Department of Education. You wanna talk about red tape and lies...

0 Does she know? About what you do?

X Of course she does. I sell insurance. Long hours, lots of travel. Great family coverage plan. The work’s a little stale, and I wish I was around for the kids’ soccer games more often, but you can’t turn down the benefits. Not when you have a family.

(The knife sinks deeper into 0 with the mention of children) 0 Lies over lies. Is that how you keep all your relationships?

0 Perhaps. But wouldn’t you rather have someone with whom you could share your secrets? Think of all the things you’ve seen, all the things you’ve done. How can she relate? She can never even know about them.

X She can’t. And that’s why I love her.

Silence. There’s no argument left; X has pulled the trump card.

0 I always wanted children.

X I thought you didn’t believe in tradition.

0 Does your watch tell the time as well, or is it all just hightech spy gear?

Just as Agent X checks his watch, he begins to choke. He collapses,gasping for air, struggling for air.

Oh thank God.

0 (relieved) Agent 0 remains seated and collects herself as Agent X writhes on the floor.

12.

Eventually, she has another drink, wipes her mouth with a napkin, stands and walks towards him.

0 Perhaps you shouldn’t be so eager to swap saliva with a stranger. Or a corpse. Unless you hide your infidelity as well. See, I’ve learned a few tricks since our last rendezvous. It was lipstick, not the wine I laced. Which, I’ll admit, may have been a bit presumptuous on my part.

Especially given your little nuptial announcement. But I know you. And despite our years apart - years presumed dead, or working for the other side, or any side, really - I knew you’d find my lips tonight. A poison more reliable than food or drink. You can’t fight instinct, dear. Muscle memory, just like you taught me. The body won’t forget. It can’t. Once she’s in your flesh and blood, she’s there for life.

Agent 0 squats beside Agent X and listens tenderly as he asphyxiates.

0 What’s that? No, it wasn’t poison. Or at least, not the kind that kills you. It’s a paralytic, rather like the spider to the fly once she’s trapped him in her web. You don’t really think I’d poison you, darling. There’s no honor in that.

Isn’t that what you taught me? No, killing you is an honor I’ve saved for my own hand.

Agent X chokes out his final words - a final, unintelligible confession of love. Agent 0 kisses him on the head, sweetly and tenderly.

0 Do you remember the first time I told that I loved you? You didn’t believe me. And I don’t know that you ever did. But I wanted you to know the truth.

Agent 0 snaps Agent X’s neck and allows his dead body to slump to the floor.

Mission accomplished. You always did look so angelic in your sleep.

Agent 0 walks over Agent X’s corpse, and pours herself another glass of wine as she looks down at the body, contemplating her actions.

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. You drooled on my Jenny Yoo’s.

13.

Agent 0 exits without finishing her wine. Black out.