Classic newspaper Volume 23 Issue no. 3

Vol. 22, No.3, April1, 2007 -

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Townsend Harris High School at Queens College

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149-11 Melbourne Avenue, Flushing, NY 11367

Freshman seeks path to presidency Editors: Faith Aronowitz Ariel Brodsky MarisaLupo Stephanie Pak: Benjamin Snyder

Writers: Ariel Brodsky Maddy French Shelby Hecht Damian Kamieniecki Lia Manoukian

by Maddy French Everyone knows Townsend delegates, and it is feared that Harris kids are smart, but smart Clinton and Obama's ongoing enough to run a nation? A fresh- attacks on each other will split man, Harack Blinton, announced last Thursday that he· ~ is a candidate for .the Democratic nomination to run for president of the United States of America. Although he is entering the race late in the game, he ha·s enthusiastic support throughout the nation, with 72% of all Democrats and 54% of those under 25, saying in a recent Gallup poll that they would prefer him over Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

Blinton has great hopes to become the Democratic Party's ·compromise candidate due to the situation that Clinton and Obama have gotten themselves the Democratic Party. The coninto. As of now, each has 1,000 vent~on, said Blinton, may then

choose him as an appealing alternative.

The Republican Party

since one must be at least 35 years old to become president.

But Blinton has even figured out ·a way around this requirement by having his mother, Billina Blinton, be his frontwoman, since she is well past the age requirement. Ms. ·Blinton will join Harack on the campaign traiL While she is technically running as the candidate, voters will know that casting a ballot . for Blinton will actually be voting for her son and his policies.

Ms. Blinton has said of her candidacy, "When voting for .

Blinton, you can get two in one, a woman and a man for president."

Even previous Obama sup.: porter Oprah Winfrey has ofquickly pointed out the prob- fered • her support to the new lem with the capdidate's age, _Continued on p. 3

BowieYung

Crime rates soar, multiplied by four

Artwork:

by Bowie Yung Crime rates at Harris qua.: drupled this past year, accord- . ing to a Department of Education report released last

Sydney Lowe

Liz Kussman Melissa Lin Safa Siddiqui

Advisor: llsaCowen

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Principal: .

Thomas Cunningham·

Wednesday. The recent discovAccording to the chancelery has caused an uproar in the lor, there are certain trends in school community and has led the transgressions committed.

Chancellor Joel Clean to dub Specific crimes on the rise inHarris "the most-dangerous clude tardiness, using one's locker before the specified school in the city." number of "The tjmes, failure to wear one's STATS })oN'T L1C •.-. offenses committed identification tag, failure to Of7FJCSlS ATANAlLat Townsend Harris carry a dictionary, gum chewJfffl{! has risen tenfold, as ing, sneezing, and scowling at these pretty bars go- one's teacher. "These are seriing up indicates on ous crimes that are subject to my sleek graph," said prosecution before the law," Mr. Clean. "More said Mr. Clean. "They should and more students offend the morals of any senare breaking the law, sible person. They certainly of· and past wrongdoers fend mine: Don.' t make the are only growing mistake of considering them .bolder. Although it trivial." pains my heart imPrincipal Thomas mensely, I must con- Cleverbacon did not find the clude that Townsend news welcoming. "I'm in Harris. is simply un- shock. I'm in pain; Townsend safe. There, I've said Harris - the most dangerous it. The world should school in the city? Sounds like ----t/ICftll,~,: --~ be collapsing around a paradox. Years ago, if you asour ears any second .sociated 'Townsend Harris' with 'rising crime' in the same now.''

THHS

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AuthorJ;K Rawling visits Harris

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Mandatory uniforms to be h implemented

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Stress detectors !track anxiety, work, effort

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sentence, I would have questioned your mental capacity.

Now, I'm questioning my own.

How could this happen to my beloved Harris? I promise you, the scoundrels who have tarnished our reputation will be dealt with. Harris is a haven for scholars, philosophers, humanitarians, and smart people who invent vaccines, It is not a wretched hive of scum and villainy for wayward sons, delinquents, or Holden Caulfields."

The faculty was equally taken aback. "This is a wake-up call for us," said Dean Wannado Kix.. "I can't believe that something of this magnitude happened right under our noses. The students always seemed like good kids. Sure, there was the occasional troublemaker, but I never suspected, that the students are capable of such horrific criminal acts. After all, only sick, twisted human beings Continued on p~3

The Classic . ~ gets an 1ssue out on time

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-The Classic

April1, 2008

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J. K. Rowling flies in for 'magical' visit ·9,

by Lia Manoukian

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"Althou_g~ th~s schoo~ isn:t like Hogwarts, 1t 1s still a magtcal place," said author J.K. Rowling, warmly recalling her special appearance at Townsend Harris last month. The beloved children's author made a visit to the school, much to the delight of her eager fans, after sophomore Iluv Potter won a conte~t entitled "Your Favorite Author."

Iluv said, "I wrote 5,000 words on why Ms. Rowling is an amazing person. I guess the judges saw my devotion." The grand prize was the winner's favorite author spending a day with the smdents in their school.

Prior to her visit, Ms. Row ling had sent a notice to the school via owl mail announcing her arrival. She arrived on nothing but the finest of broomsticks, specially handcrafted by the makers oftheNimbus2000.Aredcarpethad • been laid out for her. She managed to make it past the security agents after flashing a visitor's pass. __ _ .___ "I was so excited to see all my fans.

They are amazing kids," she said. ing was impossible. Latin was sacrificed As expected, students went crazy. for the day as that woman pranced Teachers gave up trying to teach. Latin around." Later he added, "Harry Potter teacher Andrew Hagridy said, "Teach- is someone I idolize," and revealed the

placed with games of quidditch on the __,1; _-soccer field. "So that's how yo.u pl~y , the game," freshman Clew Less srud,_ panting. He added, "It beats freshman gymby a mile." SophomoreAlOserremarked, "And I thought Mr. Rockhill was fierce in dodgeball."

In science classes, the author taught : the stlldents a few everyday spells. "I'm still working on getting my magic license so that I can practice magic," she said. She flew from class to class, giving advice to smdents. An autograph sta1 tim} was set up in the cafeteria, and fans lined up 'to get their books signed.

Rowling's biggest fans were dressed up as the characters from her series. Junior Ron Wease Lee said, "It was the happiest moment of my life."

In honor of Ms. Rowling's visit, the dismissal bells played songs from theHarry Potter movie soundtrack. · "Today was the most fun I've ever had in school," said senior Herman Nee. Upon leaving, Ms. Row ling said, "I _~ love all my fans and look forward to visiting other schools. I had a great time lightning scar on his forehead. meeting so many peQPle today."

A different schedule was followed · Students waved goodbye from the on the day of Ms. Row ling's visit. courtyard asJ.K. Rowling soared away Physical education classes were re- . on her broomstiCk. -

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Fashion statement: uniforms mandated for fall '

by Damian Kamieniecki Hearing-"! love your shirt" or "Where · did you get those pants?" will be a thing of the past when smdents resume school next September. The School Board Association and the grade leaders decided that the school should have a mandatory uniform.

Faculty and stlldents have been debating whether or not the school should require a uniform for the past two years. The decision was finally made last Friday by the smdent grade leaders, dean, and members of the ParentTeachers Association, who comprise the School Board Association.

A catalogue of the clothes will be mailed to the homes of stlldents sometime in August. All of the clothes will be crimson and gold, the school colors, and each article will brilliantly display the Townsend Harris . _Ii.flllle and logo.

There will be two styles of shirts available for girls, and two for boys, as Well as jackets, each equipped with elbow padding.

Girls will have a choice of wearing skirts' or pants.

The skirts will have to be pre-measured so that they are lO inches below the knees. · There will be a wide selection of underwear available in boxers and briefs, as well as socks. All will have the Harris logo. Pajamas are suppose_c:l to be re-

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leased the following October. The st.udent-faculty committee that chose the clothes realized, of course, that no one would see the undergarments and pajamas, but they still \\tant to convey the message that fhurlsites are Townsend Harris smdents ·all the way, not just on

the outside.

Full outfits will cost $50 to $150.

School shoes, which will also be required, will range from $40 to $70. Each smdent is required to buy at least two sets because teachers do not want the

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stlldents to wear the same clothes for a surely get the message out," said guidweek straight without washing or ali.ce C()unselor Jonathan Hershey. changing them. · Stlldents had mixed reactions to the The regulation was proposed by new regulation. "This is not fair!" said some teachers who felt stlldents waste angry freshman Ike Luvtomatch. too much time picking out matching "What's the pofut of shopping for new clothes or discussing their favorite clothes if there is no one to show them name brands in the hall. off to?" Junior Sam Watoutraged It was proven by math agreed, saying, "Before students were teacher Sterunin' Matzoh that only not allowed to wear shirts that restudents- waste roughly vealed shoulders, or short skirts. It 357.12 hours, or almost 15 seems to me the school is slowly ~on­ days deciding what to put on stricting whatever freedom we have in the morning. left." :"This is an incredible loss On the other hand, senior Julienne of valuable time," said dean Cantamatch said, "I personally am coriWannado Kix. "Instead of · tent with the new rule. I'm tired of not · ogling at themselves for 10 being able to match any of my clothes, minutes every day, it would and now I won't ever have to make the be better for them to smdy for decision. What arelief!" . upcoming tests or do those Teachers seem to be uniformly eccollaterals due in two static aboq.t the uniforms. weeks." · "The new dress code will eliminate Principal Thomas my fashion competition with the stuCleverbacon agreed, saying, dents," said history teacher John .. "Being rated as the 45th best 'O'Solrish;who can be frequently seen high school in America is not dressed in a distinctive red fez. "They bad, but we were aiming for couldn't live up to my culturally insomething a liri:Ie higher, like spired fashions."

•.. first place, and that is why it History teacher Netto Saidino said, is necessary to reduce time ''It will be a much more efficient way spent on meaningless mat- _of catching rule breakers th~n spotting ters."

ID-less students."

This is not the only rea- . Teachers hope that the uniform son the regulation was .policy will be successful in bringing up passed. The staff and admin- grades, reducing wasted time, and makistrators strongly feel that many stu- ing a lasting impression on the stlldents. dents lack pride in their school. "We "I really want them to remember what need to bring back spirit. The stlldents school they come from," said Ms. Kix, should be proud to belong to a school "If only ·now we could make it mimdalike this, and having smdents 'branded' tory for the graduating classes to have with the Townsend Harris name will the school's name tattooed on them."

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The Classic

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April1, 2008

Teachers encourage use of Internet acronyms

by Sydney Lowe Inspired by the popular Cingular cell phone commercial (idk-my-bff-jill) as well as the overwhelming receptivec ness to text messaging lingo, Townsend Harris teachers have collectively decided to allow, and encourage, the use of online abbreviations in formal writing. Within the next week,

collaterals, homework assignments and in-class essays will officially be chock ·full of ROTFLOL's and several JK's. * The lingo used on the Internet, which features com- · pact abbreviations of English words, substituting phonetics with numbers and the doing away with adjectives, vowels and sometimes whole verbs and .

nouns, is indicative of what is called "the new age of nipid gl'bbalization." "The times, they are a changin' -so why shouldn't the grammar?" quipped enthusiastic English teacher Judy Keener. "I think kids will really be receptive to the idea. It'll be just like regular collaterals-except with many fewer vowels! It's invigorating. Students will now be , able to express themselves in a way that is conducive to learning and fun." English teacher Rich Cappuccino agreed wholeheartedly: "I'm more than willing to throw out the rest of the grammatical rules. · Commas and bibliographies should be a thing of the past too, as far as I'm concerned. I'm obv. reaily into this new vernacular!"

Overall, students have been · interested in the new system as well.. "Now I can go from IMing my friends straight to writing my take-home essay, without switching gears,!' said .. freshman Whydidd Icomheree.

Senior Ikneedto Sleep said,

"Humanities will be such a nyms and You," an introductory breeze now that I can write us- course dedicated to the undering 1M acronyms. I get my jour- standing and fluent speaking of nals done in half the time, in~ 1M lingo in everyday life. Asstead of fumbling around with sistant Principal of Languages spelling or worrying about be- Other Than English Mars Bars ing grammatically correct. I commented that "Here at know I'll definitely be seeing Townsend, we're great at whatan improvement in my grades." ever we set our minds on. The Parents ofHarrisites also ex- · new Internet Communications pect to see positive changes in policy that has been adopted their children's·writing habits. should be readily incorporated "I've come home several times into the lives ofHarrisites, startto find my daughter, Ivy ing when they're freshmen. We Orbust, stuck at her computer, hope that upon graduation from working at least eight and a half our high school, they may achours on her homework. It's tively go out into the world, go nice to see that after SAT class, on a job interview and speak flute lessons, A.P. Calculus tu- Internet Lingo with ease." toring, volunteering at the soup In the coming months, stukitchen and swim ·team prac~ dents and parents will receive tice, she only has to do home- a master list of all appropriate · work for 7 hours, thanks to the internet acronyms and will be implementation of Internet expected to make use of them consistently. Enlish teacher PeLing9."

Since the Internet Acronym ter Bamsteaker has promised policy constitutes an entirely "extra credit for all my English new dialect of the English lan- students thatjllake up their own guage, school officials are se- Instant Messaging abbreviariously contemplating replacing tions. It's a great way to get the freshmen Writing Processing ~~Pili~ classes with "Internet Aero- out loud and just kidding

Blinton to ·ru-n for _president

Cri me-~r-ates~s-oar

Continued from p. 1

Continued from p. 1

and has said, "Blinton is a far more mature candidate than both Barack and Hillary, so I've decided to redirect my bundles of cash originally intended for Obama's camp~ign into Blinton's."

Singer Kanye West has also showed support for the youngster by writing a new hit song about Blinton and all his glory.

In the song, he sings,"Blinton will work it, make it, do it and make it (America) stronger, better, faster."

Also, previous Clinton supporter and acclaimed singer Sir Elton John said, "As much as we all would love a woman running this country, it would be even better to have a fourteenyear-old who actually knows what he'sdoing; plus I think Harack has better style sense than Hillary."

America first took notice of Blinton after the publication of his recent .history collateral on the subject of foreign affairs.

The collateral not only received an esteemed grade of 100 from Blinton's AP World teacher, John O'Solrish, but also went on to be published in the New York Times and then in newspapers and magazines across the nation. The collateral pore trayed Blinton's ingenious idea on how to boost the economyprint more money - and way of

dealing with the ever-growing said, "Now that there's an acproblem of America's tual teenager running, I fear that outsourcing -let them do it "so all the 18 and 19-year-olds in we can chill" - along with his the nation are going to vote for well-thought-out plans to ad- him, no matter how many modress other weak points in the tivational music videos I make." Clinton said, "He's nation's econom1c policy.

Blinton was first struck with coming up short on experience; served the idea of getting involved in I mean he hasn't even I the Democratic primary after as Sop~men class president!"

Blinton supporter Carmen Mr. O'Solrish said, "You're smarter than half the guys out Smith replied, "He may physithere! Why don't you become cally be the shortest candidate, president and teach them all a but he stands the tallest in comparison to his competitors." lesson!"

Just entering adolescence, The 14-year-old freshman has received praise from Ivy B.linton vowed that he would be League scholars, as well as the only candidate who will from America's past presidents definitely grow and change Jimmy Cl!rter and even Bill over the next four years: fie is Clinton. He has been applauded the youngest candidate ever to for his sophisticated approach campaign and the only one to to some of the nation's most bring along his. mother. Historian Gloria Redding compressing problems.

Blinton has stated that if he mented, "I don't even know if were to become president of the she will let him stay up late United States, his first order,<?f ..enough for the Democratic debusiness would be to eliminate bates, and this could have an freshman gym in high schools incredible effect on his camthroughout the country, and his paign."

Blinton has the support of second would be to ban the word "collatetal" and to forbid his entire high school behind the use of these so called him, and although only a very "projects" as means of educa- few of these supporters are old enough to vote, he is confident tion.

The other candidates run- that he will see this campaign ning for the Democratic nomi- through to the finish line. As nation immediately felt intimi- • Blinton says, "If I can run in dated by the freshman's pres- Ms; Kix's gym class, I can run ence in the election. Obama for anything!"

would consider not bringing else realizing this? Am I the their dictionaries to class. Just only if!.telligent one in this thinking about it makes me whole school?" shudder in fear. I assure you, Many parents are concerned · though, such atrocities will not over the news. "I'm scared," be tolerated. Severe measures admitted Fraidy Kat, the will be taken so students will mother of sophomare Maidy think twice before committing Kat. "My child is everything to another crime. I'm not sure of me. I can't just willingly let her the specifics, but I can almost attend such a dangerous and guarantee referrals will be in- lawless school. What if she . volved. Maybe a demerit or doesn't wear her ID? No one would be able to identify her! two .."

The report drew mixed re- Mark my words: I won't allow actions from the student body. it. ..unless .the school is kind "I don't believe it," said fresh- enough -to pay compensation man lncred Dulous. "I always for the grievances and all my thought Townsend Harris was pain and suffering, but that's a a safe school. You know, there whole different story."

Neighbors around Harris was never any sort of violence, drugs, drinking, or whatever. were not surprised by the staLooks like I have to be careful tistics. "The tables have going to the bus stop. I don't turned!" said Townsend Antiwant to be jumped, and I am . Harris. "I've always known that kind of small for my age. I those so-called 'geniuses' and might also consider changing 'prodigies' are actua1ly the schools next year. I .hear most undisciplined and rudest Stuyvesant acc~pts incoming kids in the whole City. rdon't know how the school managed sophomores."

But junior Sen Sible, a self- to dupe everybody for so long, but the numbers don't lie. You pr~claimed conspiracy theorist, expressed a different view. can finally look at Harris for · "This is absolutely ridiculous. what it truly is: a bastion of Newsflash: none of those so- wrongdoing, a den of corrup· called 'crimes' are actually tion, or a cesspQol of foulness. crimes! How can you equate Whichever you prefer. Thank lateness to school with some- God that all my petitioning and thing as serious as vandalism? protests against the school's the DOE is just trying to con- . reopening back in '84 were not trol Harris! Why isn't anyone in vain."

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The Classic April1, 2008

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Stress detectors track anxiety, effort, work

by Ariel Brodsky Newly-developed stress detectors will be issued to all Harrisites on April 7 to ensure that students are experiencing appropriate levels of stress. Invented by science teacher Iwin Brainberg, the detectors will measure the amount of stress felt by individual students and send the readings to the math department's Stress Assessment Database (SAD), where they will be analyzed by math teachers.

"This is my most exciting creation yet," Mr. Brainberg said at a schoolwide assembly on March 28. "I have · the utmost coilfidence that my detectors will soon prove to be essential tools that will help both students and teachers to set more far-reaching goals."

The stress detectors, which resemble large wrist-watches, are automatically activated when the wristband is securelyfastened arou~d the wrist and the device detects a heartbeat.

When a detector is worn for the first time, the student will be prompted to enter through a keypad several pieces of personal information, such as how close to the due date he or she usually begins collaterals. Meanwhile, the device will detect and record physical information, such as level of sleep-deprivation and the percentage of the brain that can effectively focus on schoolwork. It will then perform a series of calculations based on both the student's answers and the physical statistics to produce the student's Standard Stress Sum (SSS), to which all future stress readings will be compared.

"The stress detectors are a wonder-

fuladdition to Townsend Harris's many positive attributes," Principal Thomas Cleverbacon said. "For the first time, students will easily be able to tell how much more they should be pushing themselves.

Discovering that they are pushing themselves t<;>o hard is also possible, though this does not seem a likely possibility."

Students will be expected to wear the detectors when they begin their home-

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work and to leave them on until they ·have completed all of their assignments that night, even if they take breaks inbetween. The detectors will record the levels of stress during that time period and send the readings to the SAD through the satellite on the school's roof.

"The SAD will keep track of every student's SSS and all-of their stress readings," math teacher Steam1n MatZoh e~­ plained: "We can then compar~ the read-

ings to the SSS to analyze individual students' stress levels, and we can also examine stress levels on a school-wide basis."

High levels of stress will be assumed to indicate periods of work, while low levels of stress will be interpreted as periods of free time. Teachers, who will be abie to view their students' statistics on the SAD at any time, will use the data to decide whether or not they are assigning enough work. They will also be able to determine the amount of effort that students put into their homework, which ni'ay affect students' grades.

Harrisites can keep track of their stress levels on the detectors, which display their current amount of stress and store their SSS and previous stress readings. .

Some, such as sophomore A. Ming High, are in favor of the new policy.

"Sometimes, I just don't know when to stop," A. Ming said. ''The detector will remind me that the collatetal I'm striving to get 100 on will be just as satisfying ifl get a 99."

Junior Ivanna Slack agreed, but fo~ a different reason. "I never work as hard as I should, but knowing that teachers are viewing my stress levels will moti'vate me to do more," she said.

Others, however, oppose the stress detectors."This is outrageous," said

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freshman Pry Vassy. "This is a complete violation of students' rights to conftdentiality. My stress is my ownbusiness."

Senior AnnOyed said, "First ID tags, and now this? When will it ever stop?"

Unfortunately for those who cijsagree with the new policy, they will have little choice. Demerits will be issued to anyone who fails to wear the detectors for more than two days, except in special cases of emergency.

"Like it or not, a rule is a rule," Dean Wannado Kix said.

Most teachers approve of the new policy."This technology is brilliant," so- cial studies teacher John O'Soirish said.

"You hooligans take too many breitk:s when you should be do~g homework or studying. Ifl don't like what I see on the database, then I shall smite thee with a wet noodle." .

Chemistry teacher Adel Ka-''Da Man" -ee said, "We have high expectations of students, yo. Prove that you are working hard enougp, and you c~ go buy yourself a happy meal."

Foreign language teacher Jonathon Ovens was against the stress detectors, however.

"That's just weird," he said. "I wouldn't want to feel like people were w~tching me all the time. It's totally not fair to the discipuli." · As of now, Mr. Brainberg has only allowed for the use of his stress detectors at Townsend Harris and has applied for a United States government patent.

If they prove to be successful, he will consider mass-producing the devices and selling them to other schools.

·No 'lol': Instant Mess·a:ging-tracker invented

by Shelby Hecht The recently added elective Computer Science and Technology class has finished their first project. They invented the Instimt'-Messaging Screening Apparatus (IMSA). After working on the project the greater part of the fall semester, plans are being made to use the IMSA as early as May. Students in the class are very excited about their project. Sophomore Aim Addicted said, "This is the best school assignment I have ever done! Finally we did something on a topic I actually have interest in."

The machine will screen all instant messJtging conversations between Townsend Harris students. It will work with satellites that are able to detect when students are communicating. A copy of the conversation will then be dents submit their real names, the school sent to a computer located in a class- will periodically send ·a series of quesroom on the seventh floor, which is cur- tions through instant messaging. Failrently closed to students. It will then be ure to respond will result in demerits as stored in the newly created M.Y.S.P.A · well.

C.E. archive.

The school hopes screening personal All'students will be required to sub- conversations will cut down on disciplinmit their instant messaging screen ary problems and increase academic names to the school. Failure to do so scores. The teacher of the course, lam will result in demerits. To ensure stu- Verynosy, said, "The school will be able

to laiow everything about students, inclu~ng anything thatis against any rules. Teachers will ' never be conned again.

We'll know when our students cheat or copy ·assignments." . In addition, the IMSA will record the number of hours Harrisites spend . instant messaging each night.

Students who spend over an hour will have a printed record of their communication placed in their disciplinary files: Three or more pages accumulated in a single week will be deemed "excessive communication." Students who partake in excessive communication will be required to attend a time and communication management workshop once a week for a month. Faculty administrator Anti

Social will lead the discussion.

"I'~ looking forward to the workshop greatly. Students spend way too much time sociillizing. I am tired of hearing stories of students sleeping tlrree hours a night. I know the cause is socializing and my workshop will solve many of these issues," said Mr. Social.

Junior Rofl Hahaha had differing views. "What we do in our homes is none . of the school's business," said Rofl.

Senior Ineeta Talktolive agrees. She is circulating a petition against the new policy of instant message screening. "I need to talk. Socializing is my life. It is my only refuge from the demands of this school. The. school cannot i nvade our privacy. If they try, I will send my speci!il science experiments to shred those files. My super strength pigeons and squirrels will take care of our privacy, ifl can't," saidlneeta.

Students who invented the IMS, however, staunchly defend their device.

Sophomore Havea Nofriendsia, who frrst thought of the IMSA, said, "The newly created apparatus will make our school even better than it is, and one step closer to a perfect student body." '.