Healing Through Psychedelics

Grief is a funny thing; it has a way of reaching back in time and touching painful memories and emotions we’ve long forgotten. After the death of my husband, and the subsequent death of my mother a year later, the pain I had experienced as a young girl with an overly critical mother resurfaced. I was desperate to ward off feeling stuck in old trauma and I turned to my spiritual practice, Shamanism, searching for release. Shamanism played a significant role in helping me through the death of my husband, but I found I could not shake the grief and anger I was experiencing toward my mother. So, I dove deeper and explored traditional shamanic healing rituals with plant medicine. In my search, I discovered a documentary on the effects Ketamine, MDMA and various plant-based psychedelics had on healing trauma.

Now, as a “good girl” raised in a Catholic family, drugs were a no-no. I never crossed this line. If anyone would’ve told me that at age 72, I would be exploring psychedelics to ease emotional and spiritual suffering, I would’ve scoffed at their suggestion.

I couldn’t explain how it all came together but, in a strategic stroke of synchronicity and perfect alignment, a message of reassurance was delivered that I was on the right path, when I found myself lying on my bed with a trained sitter beside me as I drifted into an altered state. I had no idea what would surface and what part of me needed healing first. I was told to trust the medicine to show me what I needed to heal and to just surrender. Critical to my sense of safety was my “sitter” whom I trusted and who tended to my safety during the process.

The journey began to feel extremely sacred. The drifting was pleasant. Shortly, I heard a tiny voice inside me say, “I want my mom.” With that request, I found myself floating down a gentle river and on the banks of the river, I was shown passing images of my childhood. Rather than the mother who shamed and criticized me unmercifully, I saw a mother who radiated her love for me. I heard myself saying repeatedly, Wow! Wow! Wow!

As the journey continued, I saw images of her nuzzling close to me reading me stories, pushing me playfully on a swing, holding me gently in her arms while speaking to me with tones of love, walking me to school with my hand in hers, and more. The veil was lifted, and the gift of the medicine allowed me to see my mother’s life from her perspective.

Stepping back in time, I was repeatedly shown images of her and the challenges she faced in the 1950’s with four children and one on the way. With astounding clarity of emotions within me, I could feel her drowning in a religious and family culture that offered no encouragement of her deepest expression. Depression and sadness suppressed her. I was her second child, and the clarity of her revelation in this journey was she wanted no more children after I was born. However, the heavy hand of the catholic church, my father’s insatiable sexuality, her own fertility, and a ban on contraceptives and abortions did not allow her that choice. She was forced to have babies as expected. She felt trapped and her soul was seized and for her to survive she was forced to put herself in a box.

Deeper into the journey, somatic waves of clarity and memory washed over me as I watched my mother make herself unattractive, overweight, and unappealing.

She suppressed all expression of sensuality, sexuality, and creative expression. She was depressed, lonely for love, and hated herself. Being her oldest daughter, in a strange dichotomy, I became her helper, her confidant, and her biggest threat. By this I mean, any creative or typical adolescent curiosity or expression by me had to be quashed. It became too painful for her to watch me grow and thrive and fly in ways she could not. Compelled to make me feel bad or wrong, her resentfulness of my budding development and freedom reminded her of her lack of it. My mother clipped my wings, and I had no choice but to stay with her in her box so she would not be alone.

For five hours I experienced waves and waves of information and understanding. Magically it was as if I was channeling her, as she guided me to her heart and soul. As I was coming out of the journey, I could feel the shift begin to happen inside of my heart. I realized my mother did love me. She wanted me, admired me, and was so proud of who I was becoming. But my mother wanted her own freedom and wanted to soar. Through tears of sorrow and joy, I knew she was watching me. In that moment, I could feel my forgiveness from the deepest recesses of my soul and the grief and anger was replaced with deep love for her in my heart. This peace brought deep and lasting healing and continues to this day.

At the end of the journey, I found myself drawn to her photo on my dresser. Now as I gazed at her picture, I noticed her face was glowing as she smiled joyously from ear to ear. The reflection of the sun upon the water behind her seemed to arc around her head emanating what appeared to be some angelic force making itself known at the crown of her head. Who is this young woman? I asked myself. “Your mother,” my heart replied.

Cathy Bruno

Cathy Bruno has been a practicing psychotherapist for 18+ years. Working with clients through the years, it has become evident that many people resonate more effectively with holistic interventions. They find solutions and guidance that seem to rise up out of nowhere and move them toward the heart and soul of who they truly are, finding deep comfort and healing. As a matter of practice, Cathy began to move beyond psychopathology, using less traditional practices, and widening the lens toward more transpersonal, somatic and spiritual approaches.

In 2013, Cathy’s personal transformation was drawn to the practice of shamanism. She resisted for a long time until she could no longer silence her interest. The more she learned, the deeper she fell in love with its practices both in her personal life and professional life. Cathy found that shamanism dovetails nicely with psychotherapy.

Cathy believes she is a better psychotherapist because of Shamanism and embraces the gifts it delivers every day for herself and her clients. Believing no one should walk the path to their true self alone, she would be honored to walk beside you. To find out more about Cathy Bruno, please visit https://www. walkingyoursacredpath.com.