Issue 62 Verum , Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum
In the new look Wind Farm......
All the usual ill informed improbableness from the pebbly shores of Whitstable and East Kent Ask Sweary.... That Pissed Bloke From The Pearson’s At Home With ......The Mermaids Cop Tips – With Sgt Harold Par-Boil Competitions (Sometimes) And whatever else we can invent by Friday morning...
Gay Crab Bar To Open In Whistable. Whitstable’s gay crab community was celebrating this week after it was announced that its first gay bar is to open in July. “Pincers Bar” will take over the old Prince Albert pub which closed last week, and the new landlord is looking forward to serving the gay crab community. “All are welcome here”, Alan Jackson told The Wind Farm, “We’ve even adapted the doors so that the crabs can walk out sideways at the end of the evening”. “For years, we’ve wanted our own bar”, said Russel, a red crab from Swalecliffe, “I’m looking forward to drinking there and meeting other crabs. They’re a bit straight round my way”. But it’s not just Crabs who were celebrating this week. Lesbian Jellyfish from around Whitstable are said to be looking forward to The Jelly Box night club opening on West Beach in June, “It’s a good day for gay friends of the sea everywhere”, said Hanna, a gay Lion’s mane Jelly fish from Sheppey. “I just hope we don’t get ‘stung’ on the door!”, she laughed, “Because that’s what jellyfish do”.
Neptune Barmaid's Shamrock Error Leads To Customer's Fortune. Customers in The Neptune were celebrating this week after a barmaid's attempt at drawing a shamrock on a pint of Guinness went wrong. Trainee barmaid Donna Tella of Herne Bay ended up drawing a four leafed clover in a customer's drink - and his fortune changed instantly. Clive Barrow, a regular for 90 years at the popular beach front pub, told us, "Donna handed me a pint of Guinness with what looked like a four leafed clover on top. I was about to hand it back and demand a shamrock, when suddenly Claudia Schiffer appeared at the bar next to me and asked me to take her home with her". An exhausted looking Barrow went on to explain how Schiffer called Noami Campbell over for a threesome that lasted a week. "I'm definitely looking forward to a pint of Guinness after all that action", he laughed.
"Thanks to Donna giving bad head, I ended up getting the best you could wish for!", the cheeky 126 year old told us. Another customer told The Wind Farm how his fortune changed after Tella drew on his Guinness froth. Gary Ukulele said "Donna gave me a pint with a four leaf clover on it. I thought nothing of it at first until I was walking home and found a suitcase with over a million pounds in it on the beach. I retired immediately and bought a yacht". Speaking from The Neptune, Landlord Darren Wilton said, "Since news spread about the four leaf clover thing, people have been coming from all over the world to sample her Guinness. Just yesterday, Chris How came in for a pint of Guinness and seconds later sold every painting he'd ever done to the same bloke who found the suitcase. We're definitely keeping her on!". However, it's not all good cheer for Guinness drinkers, as local man Terry Duvet told us. "I ordered a pint of Guinness, and on the one occasion that Donna managed to draw a shamrock, I got hit by a meteorite. I can only eat through a straw now".
....Me again. Yep, moved up in the world a bit. The Albert closed. You know why? Carbon Monoxide poisoning. Not the pub, the regulars. Too close to the busy one way system, they reckoned. Health and safety shut it down, the bastards. Too many people sitting on the bench outside, see? We all thought we were pissed by noon, but it was the fumes from the buses. Diesel fumes. Deadly. Filled the pub, they did. Anyway, moved into The Pearson’s instead. High class place, that.....they serve ‘Wine’. Yeah! Wine.....I quite like it, been around since Roman times apparently. Today, I tried Peeno Greejo, spelled it wrong on the bottle, it said Pinot Grigio. That’s the French for you though. Drive on the wrong side of the road over there. You know why they have so many tree lined avenues in France. “The Germans like to march in the shade, ja?!”. Bloke that drinks in here told me that one. Guess who – Ken Goodwin. Yeah! Him. Mate of mine reckons his girlfriend gave him a massage once, and when she pressed his lower back, he farted in her face. Nice bloke....I like it here.
Fish bars ‘Using Potatoes’ to make chips. Seasalter Scoolgirl exposes ‘secret ingredient’ in popular meal. Nine year old schoolgirl Penny Pappington has stunned the catering world by revealing the secret ingredient that makes up chips. Penny, who previously solved the mystery of car alarms going off at night and why dinosaurs became extinct (See bumper issue) announced to a stunned conference of food experts that the secret ingredient is – Potatoes. “For years, I’d suspected this was the case”, she told us from her Lucerne Drive home, “I’d always thought chips were a bit starchy, and attributed this consistency to potatoes”. Food experts had ridiculed her theory, with Jay Rainer reportedly calling her “A silly little girl”, but was left red-faced when Penny produced a picture of sacks of potatoes being delivered to Mr Chips on Tower Parade. The picture, taken on Penny’s mobile ‘phone, clearly shows a man delivering potatoes on a sack barrow. “They cut them into little pieces and deep fry them. That’s how chips are made”. Speaking from Rocksalt in Folkestone, Mark Sergeant said “That’s amazing. It’s been a secret for years, much like KFC’s secret ingredient, but Penny seems to have got it right. I always thought it was parsnips or something”. Jay Rainer has recommended Penny for a Michelin star for her findings, but she said, “He can shove it up his arse. I’d rather have a new iPad or some Haribos”
Whitstable elderly to be discouraged from saying 'Yeesssss' after everything they say. Local OAPs have been advised to stop repeating the last few words of the sentence said to them and saying 'Yeessss' at the end. In an initiative by Help the Oldies, OAPs were encouraged to keep their sentences short and to the point, in an attempt to save valuable breath. Jasmine T. Junket, founder of Help The Oldies said, "Research has shown that it takes an average 4.2 seconds to repeat the last few words that a pensioner hears if, indeed, they hear it at all. Adding 'Yeeesss' at the end adds another two seconds".
Mathematician Andrew McFall estimated that an average pensioner wastes 4.2 seconds of valuable breath repeating the last few words and saying 'Yeessss' at the end 137 times a day (Based on Junket's estimation). "Over the course of a year, that's 58.339167 hours of wasted breath", he said. The initiative aims to encourage pensioners to listen and not say anything, especially what they've just heard, and getting them to nod instead of saying a protracted 'Yeeeesss'. We put this to Enid Horse, an 87 year old pensioner, and asked her if she thought it was a particularly good idea. "Good idea...Yessssss", she repeated. We also asked her if she would be attempting to stop repeating the last few words of a sentence in future, to which she replied, "In future....Yesssss" etc etc....
Whitstable man to have pioneering armpit transplant. A local man who spent most of his life making fart noises with his armpit has been told he needs a replacement – or risk losing it altogether. Arnold Rump, of Walmer Road, has been entertaining people, in his own mind, by creating fart noises with his armpit for 30 years, but years of over-use on a part of the body that was principally designed to smell nasty have taken their toll. “My days of armpit farting are over”, Arnold told The Wind Farm, “I’ve been pencilled in for an operation to replace it, once a suitable donor has been located”. Dr Henryk Krryky, the attending surgeon said, “It’s the first operation of its kind and we are appealing for armpit donors nationwide. Someone tried to sell their armpit on ebay recently, but it wasn’t a match. It doesn’t matter if it’s hairy either as they will be shaved ahead of the operation”.
Ask Sweary..... Dear Sweary I need to put a fence up in my garden. Would you recommend using those metal spikes to secure the fence posts, or digging a hole and concreting them in? P. O'Connor, Canterbury
YOUR problems solved - by a Seagull Dear Sweary Parkinson's chat show has really gone downhill. He had glamorous flame-haired Rebekka Brooks as a guest on his BBC Democracy show, for several hours I might add, and not once did he ask her about her new single/film/deodorant. I'm still unsure as to what she was plugging. I love Parky, but this "Enquiry" format is doing his great talent no favours. What do you think, Sweary? Yours sincerely Mark John, Faversham Sweary Says I preferred it when he took on guests like Muhammad Ali and Rod Hull in fistfights. These days, it's all subtle questioning and somebody else (QCJ whoever he is) asking the questions. I've got half a mind to tear up my licence.
Sweary Says I would always recommend concreting the posts in. Those metal spike things are not particularly secure, seeing as how they are only sunk into earth. Over time, they can become loose due to rain etc and you also never know what's beneath the earth once you start banging them in. If you hit a piece of flint halfway down, you're fucked. No, take a little more time and effort to dig your holes, remembering to dig at least 18 inches deep before adding the concrete mixture. Also, paint the bottom of your posts with something like creosote to help prevent damp erosion. Dera Sweary I just got a text from my friend saying that he's about to commit suicide. What should I do? M. Bright, Pudsey (Via T-Mobile) Sweary Says Mate, if your pal is on T-Mobile also, I'd make arrangements to visit his fucking grave, seeing as the funeral would've been last week. Dear Sweary What do you make of feminists? Seems to me like they could all do with a good rodgering to put a smile back on their faces. J. Davidson, Elephant and Castle, London Sweary Says Ah Feminism....Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them. Meeeeeeh! Meeeh!
Whitstable Wins ‘National Towel Day’ award. Councillor Marjory Barjory announces free towels for anyone who wants one. Whitsable residents were celebrating this week after winning the coveted National Towel Day award for the first time. The award was announced after towel inspectors visited Whitstable and were ‘Highly impressed’ with Whitstable’s commitment to towels. Judge Lonnie Pitt said, “We scoured the country inspecting towels and were pleased to see such a variety of different towels on display in Whitstable. They ranged from plain linen towels, to Tottenham Hotspur towels and all had been looked after with fabric conditioner. Whitstable is clearly a town that cares for its towels”. Cllr Marjory Barjory, head of towel services at Canterbury Council said, “I’m very proud of the good folk of Whitstable and we have squandered useful money on buying a truck load of towels to give away. Anyone who wants a free towel can come along to the umbrella centre on Tuesday and collect theirs”. Not everyone was pleased with the results, however. The mayor of Borken, Whistable’s twin town in Germany, was said to be furious at the results. Traditionally, Germany has been the country to beat when it comes to towels, and mayor Hans Gruber said, “This is a dark day for Germany and its towels”. Barjory, however, was quick to dismiss Gruber’s criticism “It’s clearly a towel of two cities”, she laughed, “Ha! See what I did there? I’m here all week”.
Published on May 30, 2012