Life’s Rich Pattern

Fish and guests

by Liz Foster

Ben Franklin famously quipped that fish and guests go off after three days. Since my stay with my sister comprises twenty separate three-day cycles, I’m a wee bit nervous.

House guest conflict can escalate rapidly because someone is setting up shop in your primary territory, a cherished space where you usually have a high degree of personal control. Enter a messy houseguest who clears out your fridge and exercises questionable hygiene principles and it’s a recipe for disaster. And if you’re the guest, you need to rapidly fall into step with the Way Things Are Done Here (no crumbs in the sink, shoes off at the door etc). We’ve all been there. You issue a cheery, general ‘come and stay anytime!’ invitation and before you know it, your cousin’s brother-in-law’s neighbour turns up on the doorstep. While it’s nice to give back to backpackers (they’ve been a rare breed in the past couple of years), the best thing about them is they don’t outstay their welcome. Matters can become tense quite quickly. And the worst part is, you don’t know you’ve done something wrong because you just did it the way you’d do it back home. My daughter and husband recently stayed with a second cousin for a few days. The cousin-host’s nose was out of joint because they cleaned up after themselves and unpacked the dishwasher when she was out (the thinking being, this is my house and you are my guests, it’s insulting you feel you should do that). Starting out with the right mindset and determination to do the right thing only gets you so far. I’ve made several rookie errors during my stay and no doubt there are more to come. The most obvious gaffs are below. Mistake #1: Missing the Secret Dishwasher Cutlery Shelf. Our dishwasher has a basket where we bung in all cutlery any old way so I never think to look for the secret sliding shelf at the top. Here, all the spoons must face the same way, with clear demarcation lines between each item. Mistake #2: Trying to open the double-glazed window. The front bedroom window slides open and closed. Not so the small side window. On attempting to open it a fraction I managed to lift it clean out of its bracket. Somehow sitting propped on the windowsill didn’t feel right. I squeezed my hand through to open the brass latch, which snapped off in my hand. Ah yes, my sister said, that one’s not really openable. Mistake #3: The Taps. The skinny spout drinking water tap in one house turns out to be the incinerator hot water tap in another. Best to ascertain which one’s which before an accident happens. As I discovered a nanosecond too late. Mistake #4: Showers. With three extra people in the house, we need to instate a roster otherwise the hot water’s gone by ten o’clock. Instant hot water boilers don’t seem to exist here. Mistake #5: Parking. Don’t take your host’s spot. Also don’t take the neighbour’s spot. You can however park facing the wrong way (this was normal when I lived here but now feels unbelievably counter intuitive). That said, we co-exist very peacefully, and I’ve fallen into step reasonably well so far. I’ve even managed to jam the window back into the frame. It’s been just all round wonderful in the UK during the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee after a difficult couple of years. I’m already planning a giant slap up meal for everyone when I leave. Though I’ll be sure to leave fish off the menu, just to be on the safe side.

Illustration by Grace Kopsiaftis

Liz Foster is a local writer and author. You can find more Life’s Rich Pattern features and more at www.lizfosterwriter.com