Gilkey's partyof 3

Meet Phylicia and her wife, Tiara, and soon to be 4-month old son, River. The Gilkey’s reside in Melissa, TX a city in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex. The couple have been friends close to 15 years, and have been in a relationship for 10 years and married for 7 years. Tiara originally from St. Louis, MO however, she relocated to Memphis, TN in 2001 on a volleyball athletic scholarship to the University of Memphis. Years later Phylicia I returned to Memphis after attending Florida A&M University and their paths crossed again and the rest is history.

Q: PLEASE SHARE THE DESIRE TO START A FAMILY?

A: Throughout our relationship we've always had a desire to start a family, but in the beginning of our relationship we both agreed that we wanted to enjoy one another before bringing children into our world. We actually explored the IVF process a year after getting married while living in Chicago. However, both of us were on a fast track in our careers and so we paused. After relocating to Dallas and settling in, the topic of children came up again. I expressed to Tiara that before exploring the IVF process, I wanted us to purchase a home and at least enjoy it for a year. She agreed and in November 2020 we built our home and December 2021 we began our IVF journey. We've always talked about having 2 children and Tiara was very clear she did not want to carry LOL. Our plan was to do a process called Reciprocal IVF for our first child which means I would carry Tiara's embryo (similar to surrogacy but involves both female partners) and for our second child we would do Traditional IVF which means I would carry my own embryo. After Tiara's egg retrieval process we opted for genetic testing on the embryos. Unfortunately, none of her embryos resulted as genetically healthy which left us devastated because we could not proceed with placement or what the medical world calls "egg transfer." We decided that we would allow Tiara's body to rest for a few months and we would move forward with my egg retrieval process for our first child and try the reciprocal process again with Tiara for our second. Thankfully, we resulted in 2 healthy embryos after genetic testing from my egg retrieval and continued with transferring one embryo which resulted in our son River. Tiara did go through the egg retrieval process again which resulted in a genetically healthy embryo that is currently frozen.

Q: WAS THERE ANY OPPOSITION FROM FAMILY OR FRIENDS?

A: No. We have an AMAZING village which is made up of relatives and friends who we call our family.

Q: HOW DID THE MEDICAL PROFESSIONS TREAT YOU DURING THE PROCESS?

A: We were blessed with a team of medical professionals that cheered and supported us through our entire process. Our IVF doctor has been named one of the nation's leading reproductive endocrinology and infertility subspecialists in U.S. News and World Report. We are still in contact with his office and share updates on River. Our OB is phenomenal and she really listened to the type of birth experience I desired. The nurses at the hospital were so compassionate and attentive. We have heard the horror stories and being not only black but in a same sex relationship I wanted to do a home birth. However, Tiara had some concerns as it would relate to unexpected emergency situations so we agreed to allow me to labor at home and deliver at the hospital. Needless to say I am happy I listened to Tiara and gave birth at the hospital because the overall care we received was top notch.

Q: WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE OTHER COUPLES OF THE LGBTQIA+ COMMUNITY TO KNOW ABOUT STARTING A FAMILY AND THE ADOPTION PROCESS?

A: IVF is an emotional roller coaster but it is worth it. We highly recommend therapy before starting the process and continuing throughout, especially through postpartum.

Discuss with your partner your desired parenting styles to determine if they are aligned. Please recognize that the 2nd parent adoption is another recommendation of ours. One advantage the LGBTQIA+ community has when it comes to expanding our families is "planning." With the state of the world and laws being overturned and ridiculous laws being introduced, the last thing we need to experience is our relationships being challenged with our children or our families not seen as a family because of someone else's closed mindedness. Research your state laws and put legal action in place as a safety net to protect your family. For example, in the state of Texas, Tiara was able to be listed on our son's birth certificate but if anything would have happened to me during delivery prior to our son being born what would have happened??? We prepared a Will and Medical Power of Attorney prior to delivery to ensure that her role could not be challenged by the medical professionals or family members.

Q: DO YOU PLAN TO HAVE MORE KIDS?

A: Yes, we have 2 embryos frozen.

I’vehit that mid-life stage. You that are here too know what I mean: what’s my plan now? What legacy am I leaving for the next generation? Honestly, a part of me just wants to set the cruise control and coast into retirement. I’m tired. Let’s be honest: It is exhausting being in a marginalized group one’s entire life in a conservative region of the country. After spending most of my life working to find peace, it’s tempting to “tap out” and go take a seat on the porch and watch. After all, I suffered the first twenty-something years learning to love myself, the next twenty defending my dignity and rights and the last ten working to forgive the persecutors. In many ways, I feel I’ve earned the right to sit down. Finally, I’ve reached a place of inner serenity and honestly, I’d like to stay here awhile. And yet…. sitting on the porch while the gay and trans communities get persecuted more than ever before is impossible. How can any of us with a conscience walk away from those who need us now more than ever?

Sometimes our purpose in life chooses us whether we want it to or not. It also does not have a retirement age. It’s what I would say is better defined as one’s life driving one’s purpose.

Growing up, I thought I was going to be a veterinarian just like most gay girls. Then I moved on to thinking about being a doctor. I knew I was going to do something in the medical field and figured it would be the focal vocation of my life. Not once did I think I’d be leading a Church gay group, writing articles and