The “Should” Word

By Emmanuelle Festas-Keogh

Good communication is one of the hardest skills for us to gain as human beings. I wish we had a course in high school called Communication 101. A course that would teach us how to interact with the world, and the principles of constructive, healthy communication. It would teach us how to express our feelings and needs, in an assertive, clear and respectful way. Unfortunately, this course is not taught yet, and many of us do the best we can, often relying on patterns of communication (or no communication) that we learned in our own home environments... which might not be the best!

I learned about communication skills through my training as a social worker and therapist and was able to share this knowledge with all the clients I talked with over the years. Also putting these skills into practice in my own life. Of course, nothing is perfect, and sometimes strong emotions get in the way of expressing ourselves in a skillful way. But then we understand what went wrong and can apologize, if needed, to help repair the damage. These skills are essential tools that we all need, simple principles, that are easily applicable in our lives.

One of these simple principles refers to the use of the word “should”. This word is one that we often use and can cause harm in our interactions. When others tell us what we “should” do, or when we tell others what they “should’ do, it is experienced as a way of imposing our view of things onto others, or others imposing their view onto us. This triggers negative feelings, such as anger, frustration, impatience, feeling misunderstood and will not lead to a positive dialogue.

I have made it my intention to scrap the word “should "from my vocabulary when talking with others. Sometimes it is tricky, especially when talking to my partner or my children. Instead, replace it with suggestions, such as you “could”. It opens space for listening to the other person, and understanding them, instead of being preoccupied with conveying our own point of view.

The word ‘should’ can also cause harm to ourselves as it leads us to beat ourselves up for not being the way we think we “should” be. There again, we need to learn to accept the way we are, instead of comparing ourselves to others and to some ideal that does not exist. As such, letting go of all the unrealistic “shoulds” becomes a necessary step to accepting ourselves as we are. Shift your inner dialogue from I “should” to “I need to” or “I want to”, to open up the possibility of change, keeping in mind that the world of “shoulds” does not ever deal with reality, expressing instead our inner resistance to change.

This understanding of what is enfolding when thinking in terms of “shoulds” is of importantance not just in our personal lives, but also at a macro level, when looking at the political and social sphere. Politicians and social activists talk in terms of “should” … what should happen, as opposed to what could or needs to happen. So here the discourse expresses a viewpoint that is not necessarily based on the reality of things, and as such will not lead to change. Clearly, the discussions need to shift from what should happen to what needs to happen; a willingness to have a dialogue, instead of imposing one’s own point of view.

Learning to communicate in a constructive way is essential for all of us, whether it relates to own personal lives, to improve our relationships, or to the political social sphere, when aiming to effect positive change. Yet it is not easy, and it seems we have a long way to go... So here is to sharing a useful tool of communication with you all. And wishing you the best, applying it in your own life, in whatever way you see fit.