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Feature The sky is the limit for rooftop farmer Mental health how to tell if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship

Duma Ndlovu modest about his myriad of great achievements!

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CONTENTS

FATHERS ARE THE LINCHPIN THAT HOLDS SOCIETY IN POSITION! By Mbangwa Xaba

DUMA NDLOVU MODEST ABOUT HIS MYRIAD OF GREAT ACHIEVEMENTS!

4-5

MANHOOD IS AN INSIDE JOB!

THE SKY IS THE LIMIT FOR ROOFTOP FARMER

8-9

DEALING WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

10-11

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE IN AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

PUBLISHED BY TELEGRAM MEDIA GROUP

f fathers don’t arrest the everdeepening socio-moral decadence in our society with exemplary and upright leadership, we are doomed as a people. The hypocritical facades of those in leadership in every faculty have become cancerous. Influential institutions like sports organisations, government and even the church are led by people, men in particular, whose conduct is morally repugnant. These are not merely bad examples; they are setting the bar so low that you have to be the underbelly of a snake to pass through. The moral standards have worryingly been lowered in society. Those we are rearing follow these examples. The insensitive and conspicuous consumption by the wealthy amidst a sea of poverty, material hoarding, gratuitous sexual strut, greed, infidelity and inconsiderate pomposity are all perfectly legal, just as they are morally offensive. Because fathers have a much deeper role in moulding the fabric of society, they generally have a far more important role to play in creating or undoing most of the moral decadence. Fathers can influence children in ways that no other person can. They provide protection and economic support and male role models. They have a parenting style that is significantly different from that of a mother and that difference is important in healthy child development. Because fathers lay down the rules and enforce them, invariably, they will influence who we are inside and how we relate with others as we grow. Fathers provide a feeling of security, both physically and emotionally. Therefore, children will want to make their fathers proud. It’s a no-brainer that the way a father treats his child will influence what he or she looks for in other people. Friends, lovers and spouses will all be chosen based on how the child perceived the meaning of the relationship with his or her father. The patterns a father sets in the relationship with his children will dictate how his children relate with other people.

Those who follow the Christian faith would know that despite all our flaws we are the children of a righteous Father. God’s role as the life-giver, the authority and powerful protector, often viewed as immense, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent with infinite power and charity, goes beyond human understanding. Everything in the universe is a vast “overflow of life and joy” from God into the empty space around us, continually replenished with colour and existence. God’s primary relationship with human beings, both individually and collectively, is as a parent – the Father. One of the things that God provided to humans, His children, is knowledge but He spared wisdom for those who live His legacy. Pope Francis puts it much clearer when he says the beauty of fatherhood lies in the reward and the legacy a father has created. “My son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad. My soul will rejoice when your lips speak what is right” (Proverbs 23:15-16). Nothing could better express the pride and emotion a father feels when he understands that he has handed down to his child what really matters in life, that is, a wise heart. This father does not say: “I am proud of you because you are the same as me, because you repeat the things I say and do”. “No, he does not say anything so simple to him. He says something much more important, which we can understand in this way: “I will be happy every time I see you act with wisdom, and I will be moved every time that I hear you speak with rectitude. This is what I wanted to leave to you; that this one thing becomes yours: the attitude to feel and act, to speak and judge with wisdom and rectitude,” the pope told some 7,000 people gathered in the Paul VI audience hall in 2015. If we organised our lives, cultures, societies and politics around the idea that we are all “the offspring of God,” we would carry ourselves with the conviction that we really are all equal and are all deserving of dignity and justice. This is the legacy our Creator wants us to leave for our children, and nothing is wiser.

Legends, John Kani and Duma Ndlovu.

Duma Ndlovu with Marah Louw, Lillian Dube and Gabriel Temudzani. Photo by Twitter

In 2016, US Congressman Charles Rangel declared 9 May as Duma Ndlovu and Mbongeni Ngema Day in Harlem, New York.

DUMA NDLOVU MODEST ABOUT HIS MYRIAD OF GREAT ACHIEVEMENTS! By Staff Reporter

few people will attest to having led a life littered with an array of blessings, and Duma Ndlovu happens to be one such. Once a starving journalist, today a he is double honorary PhD recipient from the University of KwaZulu-Natal (Creative Arts) and the University Of Venda (English). In-between, he launched himself as a producer of one of the longest running TV soapies, Muvhango, a music producer, poet, playwright, casting director for the world famous Lion King and chairman of the South African Music Awards, to mention a few. Spurred by his inquisitive mind and the gift of the pen, together with his own writer’s association involvement back in 1977, Duma’s fledgling career was canned when he had to leave the country handed by the apartheid regime. Duma recalls this period as a time of a course of great benediction. It was long overdue. “I grew up in a poor home and vowed, as a child, that my children will not grow up the way I did. So, I went on a search from a young age. I used to visit libraries to read books and search for scholarships and bursaries to go and study overseas. I was passionate,” Duma said. He hit the ground running in New York at age 23 and enrolled for a degree in Mass

Communication at the Hunter College and later a Master’s degree in Theatre and Film. He cut his teeth in the new culture of the Americans in New York, observing how even his fellow countrymen bestowed with fine communication skills struggled to be heard in the US, when he realised more cultural differences. “One day, while getting an orientation tour of the varsity, I noticed a pay newspaper stand, wondering how the authorities could keep tabs on it. I asked, ‘What if someone takes two when they have paid for just one?’ and the answer from the guide was: ‘Why would you do that?’ and I released I was out of Africa.” But Africa remained with him. He heeded the call in 1985 when he established the Woza Afrika Foundation, a platform that gave young black cast and crew as well as singers, an opportunity to pursue their dreams and also raise funds to support the overall arts in South Africa. Through Woza Afrika, a festival of music and theatre showcased a range of South Africa’s greatest. One of them was Mbongeni Ngema’s Woza Albert. This friendship would continue until the production of Sarafina. The New York Times wrote a series of fascinating stories on the production, prompting the idea of a movie and, as we all know, the rest is history. He also taught African-American literature and music at the State University of New York. Education seems to run neck-and-neck

with the things he cherish and has been extremely vocal about its importance in the arts despite arguments by those who have winged their careers. His only regret is not “having finished my Masters”. So, he is back at Wits University studying for his Master of Arts in Drama. “There is a vast difference between those who have trained at institutions of higher learning and those who didn’t. Converting this industry into a home for those who have studied in chasing the dream is my obsession.” Instead of coming back to exhibit popular snobbery, Duma walked back into political war in 1992 and rolled off his sleeves to use the arts to douse the raging fires. Together with ace producer, Chicco Thwala, they record the epic Peace In Our Land album. It was shortly after this successful album that he started working on the legacy of the TshiVenda soapie, Muvhango. After that, he commanded a Midas touch. “I have been blessed in that I have gone after things I wanted to do and succeeded in doing them. Have I achieved all that I ever set out to achieve? I am not quite sure, but I have been blessed,” he said. So blessed that Duma and Mbongeni were honoured by a United States Congressman, Charles Rangel, for their contribution to the Arts by declaring 9 May as Duma Ndlovu and Mbongeni Ngema Day in Harlem, New York.

4 “Men must declutter their lives in order to progress in life,” says Jerry Mofokeng waMakhetha. Photo by MIP

MANHOOD IS AN INSIDE JOB! By Staff Reporter

ike a show dolphin assured of a healthy supply of sardines, Jerry Mofokeng waMakhetha, has a propensity to mesmerise audiences. The accomplished actor delivered a standing ovation address at the Men In Prayer (MIP) symposium on 2 July at Ipelegeng Community Centre in Soweto. His explosive oratory was illuminated by splendid genius on the podium. He moved the emotions of the men in his audience with wit of a comedian and the charisma of a preacher. Bra Jerry, who also launched his book, I am a man, delivered a nerve-touching subject about mature and responsible father-

hood with his signature entertaining and hilarious conveyance. “Men must declutter their lives in order to progress in life,” he said as he explained that manhood was an inside job, “you can’t put on any make-up or costume, or walk the part”. The award-winning theater maestro said to a euphoric applause: “All pretenses will come to nothing if the character is not in you. That is why not all males are men. There are many 50-year-olds that are still children crying – “die is my ma se huis” (this is my mother’s house). “You don’t become a father just by the number of children you have. You cannot outsource your fatherhood. One quality of fatherhood is maturity. “Growth in wisdom, this is applied knowledge not acquired. The ability to make decisions that are right for the insti-

tution even though you might not like the decision because you are responsible - it is always about the best interest of the institution. “Even if it would have been nice to sleep with that queen at a team building in Australia, where nobody could have seen you - wisdom is the ability to say no,” he explained. Jerry, who is also a marriage counsellor, said men must know that respect is earned not demanded. He says most marriages collapse because “many boys in men’s bodies want to get married”. “We have boys who are married. When he can’t get his way, he screams: “ngubani indoda la ekhaya?” (who’s the man of the house?” He says if you want to be a man, you need to grow up.

Pastor Baloyi, Jerry Mofokeng waMakhetha and Pastor Booi. Photo by MIP

“If you want to know if you are a man or a boy, check your diary on weekends and festive seasons. If you are a big shot during those days and come Monday or January you come and ask for money to go to work, you are an infant. It is much better to be an infant in evil but mature in thinking. For example, when it comes to cheating on your wife, be dom,” he illustrated. “You must be the type of guy that everybody in the family knows where they go with whom and when they will be back. You give this information without them asking. Not the type of guy who teaches his family not to worry about their whereabouts. You will hate the day your wife stops worrying,” he says. Bra Jerry was born in 1956 in Orlando West, Soweto, in the same neighbourhood as political giants Walter Sisulu, Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu. He attended

Orlando West High School. He is the Gibson Kente’s protégé and performed in his musicals at the nearby Uncle Tom’s Hall – opposite the Hector Petersen memorial. He was part of the Soweto’s famous Community Theatre initiatives at Youth Alive in Dube. He started as an actor and ended up as the writer and Director of the group. In 1983, Bra Jerry went to Wits University School of Dramatic Arts. He initially went to major in Acting but graduated with Directing as his second major. In 1986, he auditioned for Peter Brook’s Mahabharata and got cast in the production. But he chose to take on the Fulbright Scholarship to Columbia University in New York. There he earned his MFA in Theatre – Directing and Management. After graduating from Columbia Univer-

sity, Bra Jerry went to lecture at his alma mater – Wits University. He simultaneously got appointed as Resident Director at The Market Theatre. The acclaimed actor blamed most men’s woes to the saying: “Our pride is our biggest problem. Becoming a man means you must become accountable, reasonable and in control of your thoughts and actions. Worry more about the things you don’t do than those you do. Watch your words, watch you temper. When you are angry don’t do the sort of things you will hate to remember. “Most importantly, watch your thoughts, you will be able to call yourself to order before you act on things you will regret. Watch your companions. They say birds of a feather flock together. You cannot become what you want to become, unless you stop what you used to be,” he advises.

It’s time to talk

WHEN YOU SAVE A BOY CHILD, YOU SAVE A GENERATION Strength, courage, mastery, empathy and honour are the alpha virtues of a gentleman. Boys become men of integrity through the influence of people who care about the boy child… and intentionally creating a positive and nurturing environment!

www.mensvoice.co.za

Khaya Maloney was inspired after seeing a company called Brooklyn Grange rooftop farm featured on Carte Blanche. Photo by biznews.com

THE SKY IS THE LIMIT FOR ROOFTOP FARMER It took an episode of Carte Blanche in 2017, which featured rooftop farming, to ignite the passion and love for agriculture and technology for Khaya Maloney. A civil engineer by profession, he thought that rooftop farming could be an ideal solution that the country needed to deal with social ills among young people like unemployment and poverty. By Tiisetso Manoko

lthough he has found his place in agriculture, farming hasn’t always been his dream. “I grew up in a family of five. My mom was in the National Assembly from 1994 to 2009 as Member of Parliament. My dad was in business and I’m the eldest of three boys.” His brothers both pursued careers in film and media industry. “I however, had aspirations in the business of innovation and creating things. I didn’t quite know what I wanted to do so I thought my creative nature would suffice being an architect,” says Maloney, who studied at the Cape Peninsula University of Technology. “I liked socialising and didn’t do too well with routine. It seemed like a fitting career until I learned how demanding it was and moved to construction management and civil engineering later,” he explains. The North West-born Maloney says after seeing a company called Brooklyn Grange rooftop farm featured on Carte Blanche, he decided to venture into rooftop farming.

TAKING THE LEAP Maloney went through the interviews and successfully joined an urban agriculture incuba-

tion programme which opened his eyes. “I joined an incubator by the name of Wouldn’t It Be Cool (WIBC). They had a new Urban Agricultural Initiative (UAI) where they help young aspiring farmers to grow or start agriculture in the inner city.” Following the programme he realised that there was a massive shortage of locally produced hops, barley, sorghum and malt grown in greener, sustainable, and more efficient ways. “So, after asking brewers, farmers, and botanists if the concept of a four-season hydroponics green hop house was something they thought was a good idea, none of them had tried it. “So, I did, and the passion grew as the hops grew. It stuck when a craft SA Pilsner was made from my hops at Soul Barrel Brewing in Cape Town,” he says. Milestones to be proud of Maloney kick started his 300 square metre urban farm, Afrileap in 2018 and he has created two permanent jobs thus far with the hope of creating more and contributing significantly to the country. He says being accepted to participate in the incubation by the UAI was the biggest milestone he has achieved. The costs to set up his rooftop farm on Constitutional Hill in Johannesburg, was between R 250 000 to R 300 0000 and the funding was sponsored by WIBC. He also won some agritech competitions to make up the additional funding. “Winning multiple awards from different competitions, including the United Nations Seed Indalo programme for environment sustainability, building the greenhouse from scratch, developing partnerships and investment are some of the milestones that I am proud of thus far.”

The good and the bad Maloney says one disadvantages of rooftop farming with hops is the limited space, which limits the number of plants you can grow. “The advantageous part is instead of harvesting once every 12 months, you’re able to manipulate the growing to happen once every three months. Pests are also more controlled, less water and energy are required and you can introduce hops to the inner city. “What I have learned is that it has to have an efficient grow cycle that sustains the business with three months output,” he explains. Although he had some financial support, funding, enterprise development and land have been some of the challenges that he has faced. This also impacts other smallholder farmers and makes access to markets even more difficult. Maloney says through social media and what the different mediums are publishing regarding farming, the narrative of farming among young people is changing for the better, which leads to the youth having an appetite on the sector. KNOW YOUR NUMBERS “Farming is a numbers game, down to the last decimal. Before you decide on a crop, have a market; know your numbers until the last digit. “Everything is an expense that you subtract from whatever profits you hope to make,” he advises. Maloney calls on young people to take up opportunities presented to them, especially if they want to venture into agriculture. He also recommends that they engage with people who have been in the sector long enough to have a better understanding of what is needed. – foodformzansi.co.za

8 Erectile dysfunction can affect not only men but also couples, threatening to take the fun out of sex and make it feel like a chore. Photo by Getty Images

DEALING WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION Urologist Tobias Kohler, M.D., answers the most frequently asked questions about erectile dysfunction.

roblems with erectile dysfunction are super common. If you look at the decade of life, that predicts what percent of men will have problems. So, for example, 50% of 50-year-olds, 60% of 60-year-olds, so on and so forth, will have problems with erections. But that does not necessarily mean that as you get older, you have to have problems of the penis. There are plenty of men in their 60s, 70s and 80s and 90s with great sex lives. In other words, if you take great care your penis, your penis will take great care of you. So the things that you can do to take care of yourself to help with erections include exercising, eating well, including a diet high in fruits and vegetables, having a slimmer waistline, sleeping well, and quitting smoking. A lot of these things I mentioned are as powerful as medications in helping with erections and improving your sex life. The penis and overall health is so strongly connected, it’s really important to remember that the penis is one of the most

powerful predictors we have, especially in young men, for heart attacks. The blood vessels that feed the penis are relatively small. Blood vessels in the heart and the neck are a little bit bigger. So therefore, the penis can predict heart attacks or strokes years in advance when they may occur. So when we talk about what truly is a problem with erectile dysfunction, the definition is a problem that lasts greater than three months and is a consistent inability to obtain or maintain an erection adequate for intercourse. So when young men get problems with erections, which is very, very common because it’s normal to have bad nights here and there. And so, if it happens occasionally, you don’t need to be as worried about that. But if you have consistent problems, you absolutely should and must get checked out by a doctor to figure out what’s going on, not only because there are great treatments available, but because we may discover underlying medical problems. When young men have problems with erections, most of the time it’s a confidence issue. And so, there are different ways to deal with that. One way is to give medications to get the confidence back. Another way is to use specialists trained in behavioral techniques to get confidence back, so sexual

counsellors or therapists can really help with this problem. Modern day, we have several new, exciting, experimental things, such as shockwave therapy of the penis or platelet-rich plasma or stem cell therapy. These are not ready for prime time, and so you should not, as a patient, have to spend your hard-earned money to see whether or not this works for you. It’s better to be part of a clinical trial to see if that works or to go with more traditional therapies at this point. If you want to be a great partner for your medical team to help solve problems with erections, the number one thing you can do is book an appointment. Just like anything else in life, you have to take the initiative, set up an appointment for your physician, say, “Doc, I have a problem with sex.” Never hesitate to ask your medical team any questions or concerns you have. Being informed makes all the difference. For many people, a physical exam and answering questions (medical history) are all that’s needed for a doctor to diagnose erectile dysfunction and recommend a treatment. If you have chronic health conditions or your doctor suspects that an underlying condition might be involved, you might need further tests or a consultation with a specialist.

9 Tests for underlying conditions might include: Physical exam. This might include careful examination of your penis and testicles and checking your nerves for sensation. Blood tests. A sample of your blood might be sent to a lab to check for signs of heart disease, diabetes, low testosterone levels and other health conditions. Urine tests (urinalysis). Like blood tests, urine tests are used to look for signs of diabetes and other underlying health conditions. Ultrasound. This test is usually performed by a specialist in an office. It involves using a wandlike device (transducer) held over the blood vessels that supply the penis. It creates a video image to let your doctor see if you have blood flow problems. This test is sometimes done in combination with an injection of medications into the penis to stimulate blood flow and produce an erection. Psychological exam. Your doctor might ask questions to screen for depression and other possible psychological causes of erectile dysfunction. EXERCISE Recent studies have found that exercise, especially moderate to vigorous aerobic activity, can improve erectile dysfunction. Even less strenuous, regular exercise might reduce the risk of erectile dysfunction. Increasing your level of activity might also further reduce your risk. Discuss an exercise plan with your doctor. PSYCHOLOGICAL COUNSELLING If your erectile dysfunction is caused by

stress, anxiety or depression — or the condition is creating stress and relationship tension — your doctor might suggest that you, or you and your partner, visit a psychologist or counsellor. LIFESTYLE AND HOME REMEDIES For many people, erectile dysfunction is caused or worsened by lifestyle choices. Here are some steps that might help: ● If you smoke, quit. If you have trouble quitting, get help. Try nicotine replacement, such as over-the-counter gum or lozenges, or ask your doctor about a prescription medication that can help you quit. ● Lose excess pounds. Being overweight can cause — or worsen — erectile dysfunction. ● Include physical activity in your daily routine. Exercise can help with underlying conditions that play a part in erectile dysfunction in a number of ways, including reducing stress, helping you lose weight and increasing blood flow. ● Get treatment for alcohol or drug problems. Drinking too much or taking certain illegal drugs can worsen erectile dysfunction directly or by causing long-term health problems. ● Work through relationship issues. Consider couples counselling if you’re having trouble improving communication with your partner or working through problems on your own. ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE Before using any supplement, check with your doctor to make sure it’s safe for you — especially if you have chronic health conditions. Some alternative products that

claim to work for erectile dysfunction can be dangerous. The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has issued warnings about several types of “herbal viagra” because they contain potentially harmful drugs not listed on the label. The dosages might also be unknown, or they might have been contaminated during formulation. Some of these drugs can interact with prescription drugs and cause dangerously low blood pressure. These products are especially dangerous for anyone who takes nitrates. COPING AND SUPPORT Whether the cause is physical, psychological or a combination of both, erectile dysfunction can become a source of mental and emotional stress for you and your partner. Here are some steps you can take: Don’t assume you have a long-term problem. Don’t view occasional erection problems as a reflection on your health or masculinity, and don’t automatically expect to have erection trouble again during your next sexual encounter. This can cause anxiety, which might make erectile dysfunction worse. Involve your sexual partner. Your partner might see your inability to have an erection as a sign of diminished sexual interest. Your reassurance that this isn’t the case can help. Communicate openly and honestly about your condition. Treatment can be more successful for you when you involve your partner. Don’t ignore stress, anxiety or other mental health concerns. Talk to your doctor or consult a mental health provider to address these issues. – mayoclinic.org

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE IN AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP By Jessica Migala and Madeline Howard

motional abuse can be incredibly hard to spot - even in your own relationship. Physical abuse is a more clear line, but emotional abuse can get downplayed or minimised by both the abuser and the person being abused, explains Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, founder and clinical director at Growing Self Counseling & Coaching. So, what actually qualifies as emotional abuse? “Well, it manifests itself in a lot of ways. Emotional abuse can be subjective, meaning what qualifies as emotional abuse might look different in every relationship,” explains Jenni Skyler, PhD, a certified sex therapist, sexologist, and director of The Intimacy Institute. “In general, emotional abuse is often behaviour that allows the abusive partner to exert power or control by being demeaning or invalidating, or preventing their partner from doing things they want to do, like spending time with friends and family or having a say in household finances. “Emotional abuse can also happen under the guise of teasing, joking or telling it like it is,” explains Bobby. Bobby adds that at the heart of this type of abuse is coercion: “There’s a fear that if you do something that displeases them, they won’t physically harm you, but there’s

an implied threat. “This might look like the abusive partner threatening to kill themselves if their partner leaves, or the abuser telling their partner they’ll never survive life without them. The real damage of abusive relationships many times comes from these psychological threats.” Since emotional abuse may be harder to spot than physical trauma, here’s what different types of emotional abuse might look like: HUMILIATION “One way that your partner can be emotionally abusive is through humiliating you in public or in the privacy of your home. Perhaps, they’re always making jokes at your expense, or maybe they make a habit of criticising you in front of an audience,” says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in Honolulu. “Whatever the comment is or where it’s made, it has a flavour to it,” Brito says. “It’s supposed to make you feel bad about yourself. It’s supposed to be not nice,” adds Brito. In short, the aim is to make you feel not only bad about yourself in the moment, but do long-term damage to your self-esteem, in order to cheapen your feelings of self-worth. This is a power move aimed at making you feel as if you’re not capable of something, or you’re not worth or worthy of attention or respect from others or your partner.

DENIAL “Denial is a way to instil doubt in you,” Brito explains. Picture it: You bring up a comment your partner made that hurt you. When they’re using the denial tactic, they might refuse to accept that they said the comment in the first place. Or perhaps when you confront them for isolating you from friends and family, they try to make you believe it’s your fault that your friends don’t want to see you more often. Suddenly, the truth seems fuzzy. Ultimately, the point of denial is to make you doubt yourself and your own perception of the world, forcing you to rely on them for thoughts or explanations, according to Brito. They will become your source of “truth,” leading to an unhealthy pattern of self-doubt. CRITICISM “If your partner is constantly putting you down, you’re likely in an emotionally abusive and toxic relationship. It’s insidious, since one comment might not be a big deal, but little by little, the harassment crushes your self-esteem,” Brito clarifies. It might look like them saying that the things you say or do are worthless, or perhaps they’re commenting negatively on your appearance. The more you hear that, the more you start to believe it’s true (even though it’s not). When you believe it’s true, you might start to think that your partner is the only person you have in your life, or that

you’re not worthy of a better relationship, Brito says, which just draws you deeper into your abuser’s arms. CONTROL Your partner might be controlling if they often try to limit what you’re allowed to do day-to-day. You might hear a lot from your partner about what you “can’t” do, Skyler says, along with lots of rigid boundaries that you do not agree with, but feel you must comply with so as not to upset them. “Control is a way to keep you in check,” Brito explains. It extends to all aspects of your life, such as who you can see and where you can go. Your partner might even look at your phone to double check that you’re adhering to the rules they’ve put in place, Brito says. ACCUSATIONS AND BLAME If you’re constantly fielding out-of-nowhere accusations and blame from your partner, it’s another strong sign of emotional abuse in the relationship. Most of the time, a partner who is constantly dolling out these complaints is feeling their own “guilt and shame,” Brito says. To deal with this, “they’re going to pass it over to you and accuse you,” Brito explains, so that they can regain a sense of control. As a deflection, your partner might even blame you for things they’ve done themselves, Brito notes. For example: Perhaps your partner has been engaging in infidelity? They might start accusing you of cheating, essential deflecting from their own behaviour. CO-DEPENDENCY In an emotionally abusive relationship, codependency can work two ways. For some people, their abuser makes it so that they are completely dependent on them for all their needs: Finances, friendship, emotional support, shelter and more. In other cases, your partner is being

emotionally abusive in that they are completely dependent on you. Perhaps they make you put their needs before your own all the time, such as “making you finance their car payment before you pay your rent”. Or, they make you drop them off at work, which, in turn, makes you late to your shift. Overall, co-dependency can manifest in a variety of way, but it typically means the relationship is severely unbalanced.

CONSIDER HER A PARTNER Yes, you are called by God to be the leader of your family. Don’t mistake that calling to read God wants you to be the dictator of your family. Seeing your wife as the equal partner she is will make your marriage so much more enjoyable than if you see her as a grownup version of your kids– someone that is dependent on your guidance and instruction to make sense of this world.

EMOTIONAL NEGLECT This kind of emotional abuse isn’t always intentional, Skyler says, although that doesn’t make it any less serious. Partners who are emotionally neglectful oftentimes “don’t have the capacity to show up emotionally”. When there’s conflict in your relationship, they’ll “turtle up,” which means they might self-isolate, leave the house, refuse to speak with you, and more. It’s possible that they’ll even disappear for days “as a weapon” as if they’re attempting to manipulate you into seeking them out or feeling sorry for them. All in all, emotional neglect is another way to control you and give them the upper hand in your relationship.

BE FORGIVING AND UNDERSTANDING Don’t hold a grudge. Definitely don’t use the silent treatment. And never “punish” your wife for mistakes she makes. I’m going to let you in on a little secret, so come close, so no one else hears…a little closer…you make mistakes every day. I know. It surprised me too. Because we need understanding and forgiveness almost daily, we better be quick to give it back in return. Of course, your wife will make mistakes but always assume she has good intentions. I can almost promise you your wife doesn’t want to hurt you intentionally. So, if your goal is a happy marriage, offer forgiveness rather than a fight when she messes up.

ISOLATION Yes, your partner might be standing in the way of your relationships and keeping you isolated on purpose. “Abusive relationships are supported by isolation,” says Bobby. “Getting an outside perspective on your relationship can help shed some much-needed light on what’s really happening, which is why the abuser may actively prevent friends and family from having access to you. “At the same time, it can also look completely differently. The abuser may portray you as bad or wrong in an effort to have family members turn against you, making you feel like you’re in the wrong, or that you don’t have a support system.” – womenshealthmag.com

SAY, “I’M SORRY” These truly are magic words. They can bring healing quicker than almost anything out there. If you and your wife are at a standoff, be the first one to say I’m sorry. It has an amazing way of breaking down walls and restoring relationships. Remember that last point; you are called to lead your family. Lead the way on this point as well, be the first to say these magical words. MARRIAGE ISN’T PERFECT Every day won’t be a happy day in your marriage. But if you put in the effort and give these above suggestions a try, you will have a happier marriage overall. It makes for a more enjoyable life as well. – manhoodjourney.org

MEN ARE ALSO VICTIMS OF ABUSE It’s time to talk

Just because I am a man, it does not mean she cannot hurt me. I am human too…but nobody believes me.