[The Stupe] March 29, 2019 (Issue 20, Volume CXVI)

In

warning to potential students: don’t come here!!!! take your parents’ $72,034 and donate it to charity, or buy a boat, or go travel... idk just anything else (also this is our april fool’s issue, so just sit back, relax, and laugh for once)

WE WRITE FAKE NEWS. Volume CXVI Issue 20

@TheStute

/StevensTheStute

Friday, March 29, 2019

/TheStute

TheStute.com

Established 1904

PRIORITY REGISTRATION EXTENDED TO EVERYONE EXCEPT YOU

T Y

... there’s no way you’ll get the classes you need!

by ERIC LONDRES staff problem starter Snevets administration announced on Tuesday that, in the interest of pursuing total equality for as many students as they possibly can, they shall be extending priority registration to the vast majority of the undergraduate student body.

In fact, every single student will be registering on the first day of scheduling week, with the notable exception of you.

While the administration offered a nearly limitless list of reasons that students will have priority, somehow none of them apply to you. It’s now completely unclear whether you will be able to register for all your classes, as you will be signing up days after around 5,000 other students have done so.

To make matters worse, the registrar has misplaced your Application for Candidacy. You should definitely be getting an email about this soon and of course there’s no chance this will affect your graduation.

They promise.

To make matters worse, the registrar has misplaced

your Application for Candidacy. You should definitely be getting an email about this “soon” and of course there’s no chance this will affect your graduation.

They promise.

Additionally, the Snevets administration has announced changes to the academic break system. The former Academic Break Period, from 3pm to 5pm on Wednesdays during which no classes may be held, is being abolished. It is being replaced with the Academic Acceleration Period, an hour-long block starting at 7pm on Friday during which students will be required to take two classes at once to more rapidly advance their learning. The registrar believes that this will solve the issue of rooms being double-booked, as students will no longer view double-booking in such a negative light.

The registrar is out of the office today and should be returning on Wednesday, after students who have priority have completed their scheduling. Students should address all questions and concerns to the registrar.

You did not immediately respond to The Stupe’s request for comment.

Following the closing of Hayden and Davis Halls to make room for the erection of the new student center, also known by its codename, the “Narfarvar Towers,” a large wave of upperclassmen have been forced off campus. Lost and afraid, these students have to choose between finding an outside apartment and signing up for Snevets Leased Housing (SLH). In an attempt to fit more students into SLH, the school has contracted other housing companies to open new options for students.

The first new option is an amazing find right next to campus: a cardboard box in front of the 7-Eleven on Washington Street. This property boasts a whole 3 square feet, with one bedroom and one half-bathroom (a dark alley behind the 7-Eleven). The Civil Engineering Department has assured us that the cardboard is of the utmost quality, and the structural integrity of the box should be capable of withstanding at least three mild rainstorms. The property also has one amazing benefit: it’s portable! Imagine being able to carry your entire house around on your back!

Honor Court releases the Slous Report

see PRIORITY · not you

Snevets announces new leased housing options

by SIMON PEPA Editor-In-Chief of Off the Press

Eric Londres, Snevets’ resident problem starter, was the sole reason that you lost your priority registration status. Now, he’s laughing at you because he, along with the entire student body, can flex their priority registration status as you’re frantically shuffling your schedule around on sitscheduler.com. Photo courtesy of a photographer.

You want to catch a quick nap between classes? Just lie back into your own bed! Hungry?

Reach into the box and pull out a granola bar! The possibilities are practically endless! Housing for this property starts at $7,250 per semester.

If that last property didn’t get your goat, there’s also another option. Costing a measly $8,000 a semester, students also have the privilege to stay in Paul’s Living Room.

Paul has generously agreed to allow Snevets access to his living room, which contains two fold-out couches for students’ enjoyment. Paul has two wonderful kids, Sam and Mike, who need a little guidance from some young adults to get them started in life.

Paul has assured us that his kids are absolutely amazing and a joy to spend time with.

“They’re great kids, take after their mother,” Paul said in an interview with Off the Press.

“They’re really excited to have some new friends staying with us. Oh, Sam’s allergic to peanuts, remember to put that in the article.” Also, Sam’s allergic to peanuts.

SLH is also announcing a new system for next year: for see NEW HOUSE · Page 2

by MARK KRUPINSKI Chief Embezzler Heather Drisuller, Chair of the Honor Court, has released her report on the two-month investigation of potential administration interference in the recent 2018 Student Government Council (SGC) Presidential Elections.

The Drisuller Report concluded that administration did interfere with the recent SGC elections and that Mason Slous is a puppet controlled by upper administration.

The report stated that the president’s office bribed Slous to run “with an amount larger than President Narfarvar’s salary.” Administration also connected puppet strings to Slous to symbolize this relationship.

The Department of Useless Information changed the results of the voting portal at stevens.edu/vote to give 60% of the vote to Slous. The report concluded that this was to make the results of the election seem realistic while still handing the election to Slous.

Administration was motivated to install Slous as president after the progress made by the Lukas Hallo administration. Under Hallo’s administration, the SGC took a more active role confronting Snevets administration with problems, forcing them to find solutions. The report alleges that Snevets disliked these solutions as Snevets became more expensive to run.

Further, this would reduce the amount the president’s office could embezzle from Snevets. Pal Ravagehey, previous President of Snevets, commented angrily, “Embezzlement and corruption didn’t end with me! I just had to be the fall guy!”

The report elaborated that administration recognized the need to plant a candidate after hearing rumors of the three potential candidates.

They felt each one of the candidates could have continued Hallo’s stance with admin-

Welcome to your new home, incoming students: 7-Eleven is a wonderful place to refill your Juul, buy cigarettes and Doritos, and purchase a slurpee.

NEWS

page 3

OSL hazes freshmen with forced Duck Dance showcases

FEATURE

page 4-5

CREATIVE CORNER

see REPORT · Page 3

page 7

10 construction projects you didn’t know Stevens was planning; #4 will shock you!

University Towers to be named in honor of President Rump

by ALEX MURTAGH Staff Writer Over the past year, numerous changes have been made to the infrastructure of Snevets campus. From the completion of the Babbio garage to the renovation of the Pound House, life at Snevets has never been better. But President Narfarvar has declared that this simply isn’t enough.

“We need more buildings on this campus! After being impressed by the bodyslamming skills of Congressman Giantfore last year, I promised him a better building to bear his name.” Therefore with the construction of the new University Center, Narfarvar has decided to rename the building from the “University Center” to the “Giantfore Body Slamming Hall of Fame.”

When news of this broke to the Congressman, he said, “See? Nothing bad can happen when you body slam the right people!” In the following moments, Giantfore managed to body slam multiple officials walking through the Capitol Building. In doing this, he managed to receive thousands of dollars in re-election campaign donations.

news page 9

VP Bob the Builder Maffia insisted that he is “not in the mafia!”

NEWS PAGE 8

NEWS

NEWS

opinion page 11

Physical Plant closing permenantly due to one open window

page 8

Beth MaryMurph spreads mumps to Narfarvar

Th ed th

see RUMP · Page 3

“The only Rump towers you’d want to stay in. ” - Cole | Photo by Chaz

Narvarfar dog’s Margarita caught embezzling and buying vacation dog homes

Commencement 2019 cancelled; low expected turnout

towers would go directly into the Rump family account located offshore in the Cayman Islands. In addition, Rump requested that the Stupe office in Howe be turned into his personal getaway within the city of Hoboken. In a tweet explaining this move, Rump said, “I like the view from Hoboken. I can see all the Rump towers and golf courses from there. Plus the Fake News organization known as The Stupe is now failing.” Due to this move, The Stupe is currently homeless and in desperate need of office space (what else is new?). If you or a loved one knows of free office spacem please contact the Stupe business manager as the budget committee has denied our AFR. Additionally, former New Jersey Governor Krispy Kreme has decided to make a donation to the Snevets endowment after being inspired by his boss, President Rump, and his generous donation. While Kreme couldn’t match the size of the donation of Rump, he still gave a large undisclosed sum of money to the school.

For this, the double-decker

by

news page 10

page 6

Soon after, the Congressman boasted about the new name of the University Center at a meeting with President Rump.

Blown away by the quality of Giantfore’s body slamming skills, Rump decided to donate one billion dollars to the Snevets Endowment. In return for this kind gesture, Narfarvar has decided that the new towers coming out of the Body Slamming Hall of Fame would be named in honor of President Rump.

“Both towers will bear the Rump name in large gold platted letters for the entire city of Hoboken to see!” declared Narfarvar. These are the same letters found on Rump towers across the United States. It was later reported that Narfarvar would receive an additional bonus from the Snevets Board of Trustees, tripling his bonus from 2016. Narfarvar was later seen taking his new helicopter from his new Manhattan penthouse to the top of Howe to get back and forth from work to avoid the angry student protestors surrounding Howe.

What President Narfarvar failed to mention during this announcement was that 99% of all housing fees from the

Link collapses with Jacobian Hall After accomplishing nothing, Shlus announces re-election

Do you like to cling desperately to a dying medium? Do you like to invest 50+ hours a week to something that nobody respects?

Then you should join The Stupe! or The Link

STUTE THE

We write Stevens history.

The student-run newspaper of Stevens Institute of Technology since 1904

116th Volume

Executive Board Idiot Wrangler Chief Embezzler Barely Managing Editor Queen of Kindness pizza caller

News

Friday, March 29, 2019 • Page 2

NEW HOUSE Continued from front page

just $10,000 a semester, students can choose to lease their own houses to Stevens to live in over the school year. It should be noted that only the student leasing the property is allowed

to live there, although overnight guests are allowed. This new program was met with mixed reactions to the student body. “Wait, so I have to pay the school ten grand just to live in my own house? That’s [expletive removed]!” However, other students are looking forward to this new style of housing. “It’s going to be great!”

one ecstatic student said. “My mom’s going to be the RA, and she’s going to let me eat cookies after my bedtime! She even made a nameplate for my room!” (The student then held up a small wooden sign with the words The Bestest Boy in the Whole Wide World painted on it.)

These new acquisitions are

a sign of Stevens’ rapid and uncalled-for growth that has shaken the campus to its very core. As construction advances and more buildings presumably get shut down/destroyed, SLH will continue expanding to cater to the student population. If they continue in the manner they’ve presented so far, then we’re in good hands.

The Sholecale: An Informative Expose

Audrey D’Souza Mark Krupinski Matthew Cunningham Natalie Todaro Joseph Dolan

Editorial Board we just fired our ENTIRE edboard. sorry that you had to find out this way. applications are open!!!!! email us eboard@thestupe.com also maryia is our new advisor

Staff & Contributors Alyaa Elkhafif Angelina Zaccaria Charles Zwicker Cole Yarbrough Dakota Van Deursen Divya Unnam Elena Malova Elina Tuder Leigha Tierney Mathew Green

Namankita Rana Off Center Rachel Stern Sarah Hoogenboom Zach Strange

Contact Us

Letter to the Editor Policies don’t submit things to us.

Corrections & Clarifications the stute is perfect, we don’t correct anything

Disclaimer All opinions, stories and editorials reflect the views of their respective author(s). The Stute reserves the right to edit all letters and articles submitted for publication for clarity and factual accuracy, or not publish them.

No part of The Stute may be reproduced in any form, in whole or in part, without the written consent of the Editor-inChief. Cited references of The Stute are permitted.

Copyright © 2019 The Stute

by MARK KRUPINSKI Chief Embezzler A sholecale is a special distinc-

tion for kale that simply grounds underground. Because of this, minerals diffuse with the kale increasing it’s antioxidants and

Leased Housing Student Approaches Week Three of Skipping Out On ShopWrong

don’t contact us. it’s not like you do anyway

The Sholecale is a type of Kale.

Photo courtesy of Good Housekeeping

THIS IS AN ORANGE BOX

WE AREN’T CREATIVE ENOUGH TO THINK WHAT TO PUT HERE

an excerpt from my president narvarfar fanfiction titled “through difficulties, to hoxie house” .... and the silty sun continued to set on wittpenn walk as I closed the door to Hoxie House, home from another long day at Howe signing papers, attending meetings, or doing something like that. I shrugged off my tough yet approachable suit and hung it up, and then I relaxed next to a scented candle. Perhaps later I would drink red wine and watch “House of Cards.” Or sink into a bath and balance a piece of chocolate on my tongue. But first I had to prepare some dinner.... check out the rest on thestute.com!!!

by JACOB SUSZCZYNSKI staff writer

Ned Fields, second-year Chemical Engineering major and resident of 800 Madison, is doing what was never thought possible. This student has managed to avoid grocery shopping for well over two weeks. “I just really haven’t had the time, and like, I go home on the weekends,” Fields shares with us.

We managed to score a tour of Fields’ apartment on the fifth floor and what we found was eye-opening to say the least. Peanut butter levels were dangerously low, hardly enough for a spoonful, with bread crumbs mixed in from multiple sloppy spreadings.

“Yeah, Skippy is definitely on my list,” Fields adds. Next, we found a package of frozen bean and cheese burritos, seal broken, two remaining. The package listed conventional oven heating instructions, but we all know he just popped those bad boys in the microwave. Fields

comments, “Those are like my lifeblood. I don’t know what I’d do without them.” We also spotted a Fall 2018 Entertainment Committee magnet on Fields’ refrigerator, surely forgotten and now just a part of the decor. In the refrigerator, several condiments lined the shelves, but food of actual sustenance was unsurprisingly lacking. “Yeah, those eggs are probably bad by now,” Fields remarks, followed by no effort to dispose of the 5-month-old ellipsoids.

The tour concluded and Fields offered to show us the trap beat he’d been working on in his free time. The beat showed promise, but the lead synth was too buried in the mix.

As a parting gift, we supplied Ned Fields with a $20 gift card to ShopWrong. “Oh, yeah, this is dope, maybe I’ll go on Thursday or something,” Fields claimed. At the time of publishing, there has been no word as to whether or not the gift card has been used.

giving it a slight “earthy” tone to it’s flavor profile. The aglet is the very tip of it (as Elena stated).

The aglet is important as it’s the

one part of the kale plant that is above ground. This allows for individuals to harvest the sholecale by simply pulling up on the aglet.

Snevets shockingly not implicated in collegiate bribe scandal

by JOSEPH DOLAN Pizza Caller

Last week, controversy struck the nation as dozens of rich parents were implicated in a scandal in which it was revealed that they bribed college sports teams and admissions offices into unfairly admitting their children. People nationwide were stunned that the most powerful of us used their wealth to bend the rules of the system to their will.

Many colleges have been implicated in the scandal, but Snevets has been conspicuously absent, given its penchant for criminality. Luckily, the Stupe managed to

secure an interview with one of the parents involved in the bribery scandal. When asked about Snevets, the parent said, “THAT school? Do you really think I would allow my child to go there? So much construction all the time, and I mean, have you heard about their leased housing?

It’s a disaster! I would never pay a large bribe for my child to be unfairly recruited to a D3 team.” Unfortunately, our interview was brought to an abrupt close, as the parent ran out of quarters for the prison pay phone, and the call ended. At the time of publishing, The Stupe was unable to verify any of these claims.

Snevets logo not pictured among logos of colleges involved in scandal.

Photo from Loyola Phoenix

2

e e d t u y h , d ? r d a , o r d e s e

x

by DAKHODA VAN DEURSEN Business Manager

The Stupe has received permission to share the following interview transcript.

As XXX is a SECRET society, The Stupe encourages its readers to not share this information with others.

The Stupe: So, I guess let’s start with the biggest questions our readership will want answered. What is the purpose of XXX? What is it that you-all do?

Cautious Student Interviewee: Its primary focus is to help address and fix the direst problems facing students at Snevets. Though XXX’s membership is pretty limited, they try to represent as much of the campus as possible. From the media organizations to Greek societies, from athletic teams to cultural groups, they try to have their fingers in as many pies as possible. In doing so, XXX spins a pretty big web — TS: Sorry to interrupt, but you’re using third-person.

You are a member, aren’t you?

CSI: Ah. Good catch. Sorry if I weave in and out of the first and third person. I was deeply involved in XXX for most of 2018, but I’ve taken a few steps back these past few months. Consider me… “on sabbatical.”

TS: Interesting. Okay. Any reason why?

CSI: You know, a lot of the initiatives I was working on came to a natural end. At the

REPORT

Continued from front page istration — or strengthen it.

They identified Slous as a target as he appeared to be a loud, naive, and ambitious new senator. He would serve as the perfect antithesis for the SGC. Members of the president’s office asked to meet with Slous. During this meeting, a member of the office described their proposal and Slous accepted. Slous informed Hallo and was met with support.

Once Slous’s victory was final, the president’s office attached marionette strings to him to remind him of the deal and enhance their control over him.

Members of the Snevets administration — including the president’s office — declined to comment. They directed all inquiries to Slous.

“I’m not a puppet. This is fake news,” said Slous. As Slous stated these words, paper-thin strings moved his mouth up and down. Slous’ legs then walked away. The Stupe was unable to ask Slous any further questions as the strings kept his mouth shut.

As he walked away, the strings attached to his mouth snapped. Slous then started spilling every little detail from his conversations with administration. Slous spoke so fast that The Stupe could not write anything he stated aside from the word “interesting.” When asked to repeat himself, Slous paused for a second, then commented that he forget what he was talking about.

“I’m shocked by the findings of the Drisuller Report,” said Lukas Hallo, former President of the SGC. “When I encouraged Slous to run, I didn’t expect him to actually do it — let alone win. It was supposed to be a inside joke for us cabinet members and not an endorsement in any way, shape, or form. Then it happened; we

RUMP

Continued from front page bridge between the Rump towers would be formally named the “Governor Krispy Kreme Bridge.”

The Kreme Bridge has quickly become the most heavily-trafficked bridge on the Snevets campus. However, it was later discovered that Kreme was disappointed by the fact that his name wasn’t placed on a building. It

same time, someone else was inducted who was better suited to filling the needs I didn’t get to address. I’ve taken the opportunity to refocus on my school work.

TS: I must say, that makes a lot of sense. But you were saying before I cut you off; By having members from all over…?

CSI: Right, by bringing in great minds and voices from all over campus, it makes meetings more productive.

We are able to share any troubles and work cooperatively with the campus administration, if need be, to alleviate those pains. For the most part, though, the point is to support the student community and foster new growth.

TS: Does XXX meet often?

CSI: Oof. Well, 2018 was a rough year. Lots of things needed to be worked on. As I’m sure The Stupe is aware, Snevets is demolishing Jacobian Hall, so lots of student voices were crying out for our help. And, to tell you the truth, XXX went through a small restructure. We rewrote governing documents to help give future members a more concrete idea of what their involvement means.

So, on average? We met between one and three times per month. Since I’ve been on leave, though… I couldn’t really tell you.

TS: That’s fair. You mentioned XXX works with some of the Snevets administration, could you elaborate on that? were all shocked. After this report, I truly regret my statements and apologize to the Snevets student body.”

As members of administration control the voting portals, an anonymous member of the election committee said that running a second presidential election after the discovery of collusion would be “in vain.”

Additionally, after fumbling through the constitution, SGC Rules Committee Chair Jack Fireslash concluded that it would be unconstitutional to redo an election simply because of a collusion discovery.

Fireslash further suggested creating a new constitution: “We only need a third of the student body to vote. That’s not too many.” Most senators agreed with this sentiment, but a few veteran senators disagreed.

“Target 1067,” said one veteran senator, “Remember that? Of course you don’t, because you are all over-ambitious newbies! Another constitution is almost impossible.”

In the meantime, the senate has decided on a course of action. The senate has decided the best course of action is to simply ignore Slous. “It’s now clear that he’s the mouthpiece of administration, why should we listen to him?” said a senator. “We don’t have strings attached. We can still actively fight for students without regard for administration’s purse.”

With the advent of the Drisuller Report, rumors are swirling that multiple candidates are expected to enter the arena for the 2020 SGC Presidential Election to challenge Slous’s almost guaranteed attempt at a second term.

Rumored candidates include every current sophomore senator, every e-board member of campus media organizations, multiple members of the D&I Committee, and former SGC President Timmy Monthly.

is rumored that in retaliation, Kreme ordered the Snevets Civil Engineering department to “conduct a traffic study” by closing down parts of the bridge. “I was sitting in traffic for hours!” one student griped. “This never happens — I’m usually across in a matter of minutes!” Although Kreme denies these allegations, further investigative work will be conducted by The Stupe to determine what really transpired.

CSI: Yeah, so, every now and again, try as we might, an issue couldn’t be resolved solely by the members of XXX. Unless it’s in newsprint, you know how much Snevets listens to the students. So we have a few contacts up and down Howe. Dean [Nellson] and Dr. Sarah Klown were invaluable to some of my work last year. A lot of my work concerned the Jacobian Diaspora.

TS: Student Life, I see.

But, it’s not, like… Y’all don’t rat on student organizations, right?

CSI: Student Affairs, actually. And no, of course not.

I ain’t no snitch. We in XXX spill the tea behind closed doors, sure. But why involve the administration when we can break up a club by ourselves, if necessary?

TS: Weird flex but okay. I hope you know I’ll quote you on that.

CSI: I mean, it’s on tape, isn’t it?

TS: Fair point. I have to wrap up soon, but I have a few more questions if you don’t mind. You’ve mentioned your “sabbatical.” Is this common?

CSI: Not really? I mean, it’s a volunteer gig, so everyone puts in as much as they can and want to. For the most part, people tend to drift off when they graduate. That’s when the membership changes most drastically. Every once in a while someone will drift a bit, but there’s a concerted effort to keep ten or so people active for any given

year.

TS: Ten? That’s a pretty small number. Has there ever been a problem keeping it that high?

CSI: You know, it’s not that hard to find students willing to make a difference here. As a member of the press, you should know. So it can actually be difficult to narrow down the search. Every now and again, a student will decline an invitation, but that’s fairly uncommon. If a member of XXX is graduating and has a good idea of who should replace them, it’s usually smooth sailing.

TS: I don’t think I follow you. A leaving member just kind of… picks a replacement?

CSI: There’s an actual process, but it can seem that way. In my case, though, I had some insider knowledge.

I use their names only since they’re public with their involvement, but I was very close with Timmy Monthly and Sunny D, both of whom were heavily involved. Since I was close with them, I think I was just sort of pulled in TS: Can you explain that more?

CSI: What, the on-boarding process? Well, there’s a vote for if you’re worthy. But on the front end, in my case?

After a few cloak-and-dagger conversations and a few short e-mail exchanges, I had a super quick meeting in A-Cup to talk about what the position entails.

TS: You know I’ve gotta

d

s e .

Stupe Exclusive Interview: Secret Society Exposé

o te t c o a h d P e R

. g

News

Friday, March 29, 2019 • Page 3

The Cautious Student Interviewee requested to have the photo that we took of them deleted. We had to comply. ask, here, are you — CSI: No, I can’t give that name. I’m obligated to keep some semblance of spookiness.

TS: What a good word, “spookiness.”

CSI: One of XXX’s founding pillars, that. Of course, I jest.

TS: Of course. Well, thank

you for taking the time to chat. I’ll miss class if I don’t pack up, but it was great getting to speak with you. If I think of any other questions, I’ll email you?

CSI: Sure enough. You know how to find me. Or who knows, maybe it’ll be me sending you the email, asking to meet in A-Cup…

THE STUPE IS HOLDING YOUR VICE-PRESIDENT OF FINANCE HOSTAGE. WE WILL RELEASE HER IF YOU WIRE US 1.6 MILLION DOLLARS

News

Friday, March 29, 2019 • Page 4

House Cabin defeats the God of time

Photo source from Polygon

by ZACH STRANGE Staff Writer

On the evening of the twenty-seventh of March, a stillness fell the land.

The gatehouse had disappeared and, in its place, there he stood, the God

of Time. Anyone within an immediate two block radius was frozen in time, powerless against the God. The knights of House Cabin sensed this disturbance and, due to their oath to protect all, they started their journey.

Seven Knights in total went on this brave mission.

The leader of the knights was Sir Richard Boges, who was described as having a constant smoky aura. Next was Sir James Boomer, who was constantly grumpy

and set in his ways. Sir Anthony “Old One-Two” Krampornski was listening to K-pop the entire journey, much to the dismay of his fellow knights. In the middle of the pack was Sir Peter Brittle, who was hooked up to an

iron lung the entire time.

After him came Sir Paul Cute, who was just happy to be there. Following him was Sir Jin Cuterheart, who wore an obsidian focusing stone necklace, the source of all his strength. In the rear was I, Sir Perry Cox, who made sure no one got the jump on us from the back.

The journey was not easy, trekking through various mountains, fighting off bandits and thieves. There are those who tried to deter the knights, telling them all hope was lost and that they should just accept and pray to the god of time. The knights of Cabin did not listen, for they only pray to one God, George, the God with only one good ear. They used the strength of George to help them on their journey. They almost lost Sir Peter Brittle when his iron lung stopped working, but they luckily came upon an iron lung repairman and continued their journey. They ran into several small creatures whose powers were able

to be captured in their magic tablets to give them even more strength.

Finally, the time had come, the knights of House Cabin were face to face with the God of Time. The battle was epic, every knight giving their all. It looked like all hope was lost until the knights called on the strength of creatures within their tablets. The knights were able to finally able to defeat the God of Time when they strike at same time to deliver the finishing blow. After the God was defeated some of the knights were able to harness the power of the God in their tablet, to increase their strength even further. The community, now unfrozen in time, cheered and praised the knights for their efforts. They offered the knights gold and riches, but the knights turned them down. The knights said their final goodbye to the community as they turned around to head back to their home, where they will retire until they are called upon again.

Eric Londres releases list Snevets Wall constructed of demands along Whitpenn Walk

by ERIC S. LONDRES Staff Writer

Campus suzerain Eric Londres has released his list of demands for Snevets after the Snevets government capitulated early last week, ending the four-semester-long war between the two superpowers. Snevets’ surrender was widely anticipated, as the amount of territory and manpower already lost by the oncemighty nation was so great as to interfere with even the most sacred aspects of Snevets life, such as Noodles with Narfarvar.

Londres’s demands, which form the bulk of the peace treaty being negotiated tonight, are as follows: 1. All students shall be granted priority registration, regardless of race, color, religion, sex (including pregnancy and gender identity), creed, preferred housing assignment, national origin, size, political affiliation, sexual orientation, shape, marital status, race (again), disability, genetic information, age, viscosity, membership in any organization or non-organization, registration status, physical orientation, species, parental status, motivation level, military service, cur-

rent meal plan, or other merit or non-merit factor.

2. Snevets will release as independent nations all current colonies and vassal states, including Snevets Newport, 5 Marine View Plaza, and all Serious Long-term Housing (SLH) settlements.

3. The Giantfore Dynasty Academic Center will be bulldozed upon completion, and replaced with an exact copy of the North Building. This building will be referred to as the South Building, but will have the building code N to provide clarity.

4. In all future SGA presidential elections, voters will vote for their least favorite ticket instead of their most favorite. The ticket with the most votes will have lost the election, and all other tickets shall be considered the winner.

5. All Snevets officials will be considered volunteers, and will not receive any form of financial or other compensation. Also, all official positions will be considered elected positions, and members of the government will vote on who gets what job every year.

6. The Student Infuriation System (SIS) shall be replaced by a perfect repli-

ca of the Sorting Hat from the Harry Potter universe, with the notable exception that the confines of modern technology allow only truly random assignment of classes to all students.

7. Students will no longer require the signature of professors or the registrar to add themselves into a class that is closed or has already begun.

8. The SGA shall amend their bylaws on a strict schedule of no less than one amendment per week.

SGA officials shall not be permitted to document the amendments.

9. Snevets’ official website shall no longer report on news, and all Snevets government newswriters shall join the editorial board of The Stupe.

10.

Snevets Presidente Narfarvar shall pay Eric Londres $20.

While the terms of Londres’ proposed peace treaty are harsh, it is expected that the Snevets government will agree to the demands based upon the widespread exhaustion of the Snevets populace who, after several semesters of warfare and construction projects, are seeking peace and quiet over everything else.

MEMES

Continued from front page

by ELENA MALOVA Staff Writer

On March 8, Snevets announced its plans to build a wall across campus to block the cool breeze from the high winds from upper campus from reaching lower campus. This new change to Snevets comes from administration in upper campus complaining that lower campus already has everything. This new wall is planned to be 20 feet high, beginning from Howe and extending

to the library. President Narfarvar commented, “Bring back the wind 2019!”

Margarita, President Narfarvar’s Chief of Finance, stated on his morning walk in the park last Tuesday that the construction of the wall will cost $1.5 million. Snevets plans to pay this cost by increasing the student lab fees and charging students a new fee for recitations. This need for more funds comes from the current Student Chief of Finance putting Snevets in debt because

she purchased $500,000 worth of furniture, to refurbish her new Office.

When asked to comment on her purchase she said, “I love my $30,000 imported couch from Sweden.”

We asked Kaitlyn, a senior ChemE her thoughts on the wall, she said, “It’s better than the rope idea they had.”

Margarita later commented that he believes students will be happy to know that the wall will only be the second most expensive thing at Snevets.

EIC goes down with the ship

by ALEX MURTAGH Staff Writer

In order to make room for the new University Center, Snevets must say goodbye to Jacobus and Hayden halls. While Hayden won’t be touched until all of the freshmen have moved out by the end of the semester, Jacobus is about to be torn down. However, as you all know Jacobus is home to campus’ favorite newspaper, The Stupe.

Editor in Chief of The Stupe, Audrey Dsouza, is devastated with the fact that she will never be in the Jacobus office ever again. She is protesting the demolition of Jacobus by locking herself in the office on the second floor of Jacobus.

“I’m not leaving!” shouted Dsouza from under the crack in the office’s door. “Jacobus is the home of The Stupe!

Yeah, it’s probably hazardous to walk into this building right now, but it’s still home. If they

want to tear this building down, they’re going to have to do it with me in it!” Clearly, Dsouza is determined not to leave under any circumstances.

You may be wondering how Dsouza’s grades were effected by not being in class. Believe it or not, professors had actually sided with her and had agreed to not penalize her for missing classes. Some had even broke into Jacobus through windows to personally deliver food and assignments to her, and tried to help her get through this difficult time.

Dsouza’s family responded to her acts of protest with tears in their eyes. “Please come out, Audrey! Jacobus isn’t worth it! We love you!” Her family’s cries have certainly affected the persistent student, but not enough for her to want to leave Jacobus. And so she remains, on the floor, in the corner, of the second floor of Jacobus, in protest.

When asked about how the school would be deal-

ing with the defiant student, President Narfarvar said, “There is no one left in Jacobus. We made sure to get rid of that annoy- I mean fantastic- newspaper months ago! Bring in the wrecking ball!” With no hesitation a gigantic crane rolled up Wittpenn Walk.

Students circled around the fence that encloses Jacobus and Hayden.

Some students appeared to be annoyed at the construction while others seemed to just be finding out Jacobus Hall exists.

In a matter of minutes a huge wrecking ball destroyed Jacobus and revealed the lone Editor in Chief, clutching issues of The Stupe in solidarity.

In an instant, it was as if Jacobus Hall had never existed. The Editor in Chief went down with the ship refusing to give up Jacobus and the Stupe office.

To this day, Dsouza’s famous words are published in every Stupe issue. “I will never forget you, Jacobus!” Godspeed, Audrey.

d p b a l l f t a i s

4

r e . d f e f , r e s f r e o e e e e e f o h n d e , d s e y d e y .

0 . n I ” s , e ” s o y .

r t e I n o e . d . d s g . s n f . s d n s . d l .

News

Friday, March 29, 2019 • Page 5

Attila the Duck arrested for public drunkenness and using heavy machinery while under the influence of cocaine

by SIMON PEPA Editor-in-Chief of Off The Press

It’s a sad day on campus after sudden news that Attila, the lovable school mascot that has inspired hope and joy in countless children, has been arrested by Hoboken Police on St. Patrick’s Day after a gruesome rampage through the city, leaving dozens injured. According to witness reports, the foul fowl had partied a little too hard, going to over ten bars within an hour and drinking copiously at each establishment. “He was crazy,” said one barkeep that had witnessed Attila’s alcohol consumption. “He had this huge bag of crushed-up bread loaves with him; he would dunk the bread in vodka, let it soak for a bit, and then just go to town on it! Eventually, he ran out of bread, and I thought he would stop. Then he just pulled out another bag of bread! He drank half my stock in ten minutes!”

This is not the first time our lovable mascot has struggled with his alcohol addiction.

Though it has shadowed him all his life, Attila’s alcoholism came to a head in 1975, when he held a summer blow-out party on the SS Stevens, the ship that had acted as a dormitory for the school at the time. The sounds of loud music, shouting, and incessant quacking could be heard for miles, with one partygoer describing the event as “a mosh pit of drugs,

debauchery, and DuckBills.”

When police officers arrived to break up the party, Attila panicked and separated the boat from its mooring, setting it loose onto the Hudson River.

The party resumed for another four hours until police boats were able to stop the runaway craft, but not before Attila, on a high from a combination of grain alcohol and breadcrumbs, steered the SS Stevens directly into the supports of the George Washington Bridge, sinking the vessel in a matter of minutes. Police were able to successfully rescue everyone from the ship safely, and Attila was charged with vehicular neglect and destruction of property. Although the charges were dropped due to Attila not being human and therefore not subject to human laws, the whole affair left a black mark on Attila’s character and on the school as a whole.

It seems that Attila’s demons overcame him again this week, when his barhopping took a darker turn towards illicit drugs. “When I heard he was going to do cocaine, I was stunned,” said one of Attila’s groupies from St. Patrick’s Day. “He doesn’t even have a nose!

But he just straight up ate the whole brick of coke! Chomped it down like it was a loaf of bread!”

It was at this point of the day that reports of Attila diverge. Every witness agrees that Attila ended up riding

S*cialism Gone Too Far

by ALYAA ELKHAFIF Staff Writer

down Washington Street in an industrial-sized bulldozer, but no one seems to know where he got it. That’s right: in a cokedup rampage, Attila the Duck somehow commandeered a bulldozer and drove it through the city. While humorous in theory, the reality was anything but. Dozens of people were injured by the large machine, either by the bulldozer itself or by the debris it flung around.

Witnesses have reported Attila picking up cars with the dozer and hurling them into the sidewalk, causing serious damage to passersby as well as storefronts. Eventually, order was restored after the Hoboken PD managed to coerce Attila off

his death machine with a bag of potato chips and a raspberry scone. Without their quick thinking, the further damage he could have caused is unthinkable.

Attila was promptly taken into custody, where he is currently waiting for his trial next week. In total, he is being accused of no less than twenty-seven different crimes, including public drunkenness, reckless endangerment, gambling, attempted tax fraud, and the unlawful possession of a raccoon. Authorities have assured us that this web-footed menace is no longer a threat, but to be on the lookout for any more anatidae antics.

Tent City Planned to Accomidate Incoming Freshman

by SARAH HOOGENBOOM Staff Writer

With accepted student day looming, Snevets has reported that a surprising number of students have already accepted their admission letters to Snevets. Currently, the number of incoming freshmen already exceeds the amount of housing available on campus. The administration is now asking themselves where they are going

to place all the freshmen that they promised housing. “We have to be creative about this problem. The solution is not an obvious one but definitely innovative,” stated President Narfarvar.

In pursuit of not only creatively housing freshman but also to foster a sense of community and awareness of mother nature, Snevets has ordered approximately 100 tents that are going to comprise a tent city on

Palmer Lawn. The tent city, based off the successful Fyre Festival in the Bahamas, will be provided by the Red Cross and will include the basics of a minimal lifestyle.

Incoming students that have already been assigned housing to the tent city have responded positively to the solution. “Tenting is in. It’s what the cool kids are doing for a unique freshman experience. I can’t wait to tell my friends at other schools

about the nature time I am getting. Winter is going to be an adventure but I think snow is the least of my problems, I’m more worried about where I am going to charge my phone,” said Tony, an incoming freshman.

In preparation for the tent city, all current students are required to sign a non-disclosure agreement regarding the wind on Palmer Lawn and outside of the Howe Center.

‘I was dragging my feet after taking an exceptionally challenging physics exam. That is when I saw them, huddled in a circle that was showered in immense sunlight. At first glance, they would appear as an ordinary group of college students basking in the long-awaited spring weather.

But, I could not help but notice this girl mindlessly splitting up her chocolate bar and proceeding to give each of her companions a small piece of the candy.’ is an excerpt from the twelvepage report a good Samaritan submitted to the Office of Undergraduate Academics.

He spared no detail regarding the various s*cialist acts in which the students were allegedly involved in. For the following weeks, he tailed them nearly everywhere, neglecting his academic responsibilities without a second thought, and attempted to gather more data. He had to be utterly certain before raising such a radical accusation. Little did he know, he was merely scratching the surface.

On the evening of March 30th, as everyone on campus was engrossed in their studies for upcoming exams, a campus-wide email alert was sent to entire student body. The chaos that ensued was unprecedented.

Students immediately logged into their accounts to confirm the news for them-

selves and, lo and behold, everyone had enough balance in their myStevens accounts to finish their studies debt-free.

Meanwhile, the board of trustees and President Narfarvar held an emergency meeting to ascertain where the money was rerouted from and how to apprehend the hacker. The legal team advised them that they had no grounds to deduct money from students’ accounts unless they had incontrovertible evidence that the money was illegally funneled. Sure enough, news of this scandal smeared local and national headlines within the hour.

The administration informed the students that an extensive investigation would be launched. Over the course of the next few days, however, the investigation was proving futile. As much as people wanted to know who was responsible for this heinous act, they were also intrigued about the source of the money. And, so, the Good Samaritan, who has chosen to remain anonymous provided them with a convenient scapegoat. The Stupe has reached out to various high-ranking administration members in hopes to review the report but were only apprised of a deficient summary of its contents, which cited the source of the money as funds allocated for making the campus aesthetically appealing. As of today, the students have been expelled from Stevens and will be facing multiple felony charges.

Yes, I Like Piña Coladas

by BRANDON SEIDMAN Off The Press

Hello, I am writing into The Stupe to respond to an ad posted in last week’s personals column. Whoever wrote it was looking for someone who likes Piña Coladas, and I only have one thing to say in response: yes, I like Piña Coladas. I’ve dreamed of romantic days out on the beach and there would be absolutely no way to make them even more romantic than to be walking along the boardwalk hand in hand and getting caught out in the rain.

I also can not agree

more with your assertion against yoga. When we escape we can forget about every worry in the world; no more exercise, no more health food, just sitting back and relaxing with a bottle of champagne.

I know I’m nobody’s poet, but I hope that you will find it in your heart to meet with me. Tomorrow at noon we can meet each other and cut through all this red tape. There’s a great pub nearby called O’Malleys, I don’t know if you’ve heard of it but I’ll be there tomorrow at noon awaiting you. I can’t wait to meet you so that we can finally plan our escape.

Photo taken from somewhere

Friday, March 29, 2019 • Page 6

Construction on campus is out of control

by ANDREW CHESTERMAN Off the Press

Construction seems to have always been an issue on campus. A quick search of “Construction Notice” in my Snevets inbox instantly yielded ~80 results, and this is reflected all across campus. The construction of the Giantfore Family Academic Center by the River apartments, the destruction of Hayden and Jacobus, the destruction of the Gatehouse, the list goes on.

With all the construction sites currently plaguing Snevets’ campus, it comes

as no surprise to anyone that the administration has announced the start of yet another construction project. The goal this time?

Increasing the width of all doorways on campus.

Some of you may be initially confused by this.

Well, fret not, my fellow tiny-brained individuals, for my minuscule brain was also perplexed at the first mention of this. That is, until a gracious and compassionate Pinnacle Scholar lifted the metaphorical blindfold from my eyes, and showed me the true light that be. In an inter-

view with this unnamed Pinnacle Scholar, I asked why the doorways needed to be widened, to which she responded, “skjslkdjfASDLFJASDLKFAsdf slf Aj djA ASLDFJASLDF kjjjjjj JJJVAS jfsdf.” (Note: This is not an error. As I was typing the quote from this god-like student, I looked up at my screen and realized that the words weren’t in any known tongue. My computer simply could not handle the ancient tongue that is spoken amongst the Pinnacles. Here is a rough paraphrasing: “The doorways, as they current-

ly stand, are simply far too small for our gigantic, knowledge-filled brains.”

The rest of the quotes from the student will be portrayed through my feeble paraphrasing, but I felt that it was important to include this anecdote as somewhat of a praise to the almighty power of the student, out of fear that she may one day strike me down. I can’t say I’m surprised that this happened though. As the words from the student hit my ears during the interview, it was not unlike the scene from Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark, where

they finally open the Ark and their faces melt off.

Yes, very similar in fact.

Well, anywho). She continued, “I mean, it honestly isn’t a huge deal. We don’t actually have much use for most buildings on campus.

We already have the total knowledge of the entire universe, so we don’t need the academic buildings, and we’ve also simply evolved to the point where our bodies are 100% self-sufficient, which eliminates any need for food or water from the dining locations.”

It was at this point that, in an instant, I was

knocked completely unconscious, and entered some sort of ethereal plane of existence…but yet I could still hear her voice. I believe that this was possibly through her telepathic powers, which as we all know, is one of the many perks that comes with being admitted into the Pinnacle Scholars Program. It felt like I was in there for 300 lifetimes, but when I came to, it was as if nothing had changed.

She said in her final statement, “The only building that we really have any use for is Howe. We absolutely adore bowling.”

Re-opening of Jacobus and Whitppen Walk

by SARAH HOOGENBOOM Senior Staff Writer

As many may already know, at the end of the fall semester, the Hoboken Planning Board approved Snevets’ application for the construction of two towers that will provide future housing and space for student organizations on campus. After this approval, Snevets immediately began the first stages of the new University Center by closing Jacobus for asbestos removal.

Promptly after the closure of Jacobus, disruptions have continuously occurred on campus and Snevets immediate-

ly relocated the lab fee budget to pay multiple professionals for their expertise and advice.

At the top of the list of experts, Astrologer Demetra Lehman was brought in to investigate the cause of the instability of the Alexander House foundation which occurred prior to the approval of the University Center. As stated in her formal report, Lehman emphasizes that some of the disruptions to the future home of the Student Life offices were premonitions. “Unfortunately, due to Mercury in Retrograde during the time of the approval by Hoboken City Council, the stars have dis-

agreed with the building of the towers. The cracked foundation in Alexander was a sign of the future instability, which is now afflicting the entire campus.

Our friend Alexander was desperately attempting to warn us symbolically.”

Lehman recommended that the only solution to resolve the conflicts in the stars is to promote horoscope reading as a way of life on campus and to enforce the use of Demetra© salt lamps in each dorm room.

Further disruptions include the shift of Feng Shui on campus causing the flow of rainwater to move from the Whitppen Walk to the McLean ele-

vator. Our resident Feng Shui expert explains that water represents calmness, but because of the closure of the Whitppen Walk for the demolition of Jacobus, the concrete sidewalk is no longer the most calming location on campus. The water has now been displaced to the second most calming location on campus according to the water aura reading done by our expert.

Experts in paranormal activity suggest that the windows that have been left open during the especially cold month of January was not actually the work of students like previously suggested by admin-

istration but rather it was the ghost of David Schenk Jacobus. The experts explained that “Jacobus, the former Stevens graduate of 1884 and trustee, has been inhabiting his building as a ghost since his death and is now finding a new home on campus. He has been leaving all the windows in Howe open mainly in anger towards administration for closing the Whitppen Walk during the 64thanniversary of his death week.”

These occurrences have been disturbing students and their ability to focus on their studies. The stress of the changes happening on campus has been weighing down on many

students and CAPS has now been recommending that students with a lowstress tolerance to default [Stevens Announcement] emails directly to spam.

At the advice of many experts, Stevens has now decided to reopen Jacobus and wait for a Jupiter/ Sun Conjunction to start the project over again. All items removed from Jacobus, including the asbestos, will be returning to their rightful place to calm the stars. The Whitppen Walk has been reopened so Jacobus’ guests can park on the walkway rather than competing with administration and faculty for parking in 8th Street lot.

Pinnacle Priority Scheduling Reinstated

by ANDREW CHESTERMAN Off the Press

It’s been an emotional rollercoaster for Pinnacle Scholars these last few weeks, as the administration repeatedly buffeted them: first with the revoking of priority registration status, then the criminalization of the program, the subsequent hunting and rounding up of the Scholars, and finally with the surprise return of priority registration to the beleaguered survivors.

In a top-secret e-mail to the Pinnacle Scholars, the school revealed that they had granted priority sched-

uling back to the Pinnacle Scholars that are already enrolled in the school, after outcry from the Pinnacle community that their registration status was being ripped from their grasp.

This change has been met with elation by the Pinnacle community, who had been fuming after the school’s last announcement. “I guess it’s not necessary anymore, but we had been planning to stage a revolution against the administration,” said one relieved Pinnacle Scholar.

“We had slogans and everything. Tony even wrote up a constitution! He’s definitely going to be dis-

appointed; it was pretty good. I guess we’ll have to return all of the muskets, then.” However, some Pinnacles still aren’t satisfied.

“Did you know there’s not a single Pinnacle student in the administration?” one Scholar in a tricorn hat explained. “Why should I pay tuition when my rights aren’t being protected? It’s tyranny!”

While many Pinnacle students are rejoicing, the news was met with mixed reactions by the rest of the student body. “I don’t think they deserve their registration status back,” said one concerned student. “My friend is in the

Snevets adds new Political Sceince major for navigating the internal politics of Snevets

by JOSEPH DOLAN pizza maker

Starting in the Fall 2019 semester, Snevets will begin hosting political science classes that help teach students the ins and outs of politics within the school itself. The notoriously difficult to navigate school politics can be a headache for many students, especially for those who don’t understand the near constant production of drama. However, those who have completed

a major in Snevets Political Science will graduate with a comprehensive knowledge of how to survive getting involved at Snevets.

Courses released by the Office of Undergraduate Academics include PS-101: How to be Timmy Monthly, PS-375: Does the school care about your identity?, PS-290: Defending your RSO’s budget, PS-424: Do YOU have priority scheduling?, and of course PS-600: How to not piss off administration. In a statement to

the Stupe, newly appointed chair of the College of Political Science Eric Londres said, “We are looking forward to students learning how to be just as belligerent as I am.” Every member of Khoda has been brought on by Snevets to teach for the new major. Preliminary reports indicate that this barely-formed department is already in better shape than all of the Computer Science department.

Of course, lab fees will be charged for all courses.

“we can’t publish white space! we’re a prestigious newspaper!!” -- audrey, our new EIC well, audrey, how do u feel about PINK space?????

program, and I really liked making fun of him for losing his status. Now I have to make fun of him for, like, his looks or whatever. But he’s really self-conscious, and I don’t have it in me to be that mean to him.” Another student was even more vocal against Pinnacles, saying in an interview, “[Redacted for decency’s sake] Pinnacles!

I hate those [Yeah, that’s not going in the article]!

I wish I could [We legally can’t repeat what he said] and their cats, too!”

The Pinnacle Scholars Coordinator made a statement regarding the sudden change in a press release

earlier this week. “We like to keep the Pinnacles on their toes. We might have given them their registration back today, but who’s to say we don’t take it away again tomorrow?

What if we required every Pinnacle to learn how to juggle to stay in the program? Even we don’t know what’s going to happen: every day, I spin a comically large wheel to decide what we change about the program. There’s an 8% chance that the program suddenly becomes a large book club. I’ve read Great Expectations just in case.”

All told, there is an air of mystery and concern

about the future of the Pinnacle Scholar program.

“At this point, I don’t even know if it’s worth it,” one beleaguered Pinnacle student said. “The benefits are cool and all, but I can’t handle the uncertainty. See, look! I just got an e-mail about it.

Wait, what? I hate Great Expectations!”

Rumors of the program’s dissolution have been circulating around campus, often accompanied with feelings of either relief or sadness.

With increasing uncertainty about the future of the Pinnacle Scholars, one can only wonder: why is the administration so bad?

God reverses decision of OSL and allows large events on holidays

by MATTHEW CUNNINGHAM barely managing editor

In a surprise email sent to the entire Snevets community this morning, God stressed that He “does not care” if students host events on religious holidays.

“I’m God,” said He. “Do you think I give a shit if the Chinese Student Association hosts Dumpling Night on Easter? I have other things to worry about, like whether Narfarvar should earn two million or three million next year.”

The email from the famously elusive deity irrevocably reverses a rule implemented yesterday by

OSL that prohibits student organizations from hosting events on religious holidays.

The now-overturned rule explained that “scheduling events on days that are coincidentally religious observations is a sign of disrespect.” OSL had determined that the only appropriate days to schedule events are May 6th and September 12th and that “every other day is prohibited.”

God told the Snevets community that the rule was “silly” and added that OSL should “just relax” and consider altering their priorities.

“Instead of silly new rules, maybe tell your financial assistant to meet with students

for more than two hours per day,” God said. “Perhaps that could be more helpful.”

Student organizations that are religiously focused remained ambivalent. “I mean, we never even asked for the new rule in the first place,” said Anita Losewate, president of Snevets Christian Club. “All we want is a place is pray.”

OSL condemned the act of God, as they believed that they were more correct than Him. However, God threatened to curse the admins with blood, frogs, and death of their firstborn if they acted against Him. “Y’all are actually gonna come at me?” God roared.

“Remember, I’m God.”

Word Searches

Word Search

Friday, March 29, 2019 • Page 7

Word Bank

People who have Priority Registration

Pinnacle Scholars Clark Scholars Varsity Athletes Club Athletes Intramural Athletes Undergraduate Students Graduate Students Overgraduate Students Student Government Association Honor Board Members Seniors Juniors Sophomores Freshman Professors Teaching Assistants Early Decision Applicants Regular Decision Applicants NJIT Students Martini

Campus Pulse

Friday, March 29, 2019 • Page 8

Roving Reporter Where does your tuition money go?

“The signs on campus.”

“The nice fences.”

“McLean lightbulbs.”

Anna “South Campus” Brown

Tarquin Bennett

Natasha Collett

“Not the plumbing, especially in Jonas.”

“Pearl at Pierce.”

“The longer walk from Davis to Howe.”

Tim Zheng

Stavroula Doukakis

Frank DiGiacomo

Khoda Application Members of The Stupe have came to the understanding that a large portion of the student body wishes to join Khoda, Snevets’ secret society, but are unsure how to do so. In order to aid, The Stupe has created an application to help candidates inform Khoda of their interest.

This application is guaranteed to hit all of the key points that Khoda looks for in a candidate. Please submit finished applications to khoda@stevens.edu.

Dear Khoda,

I would to formally submit my application for this year’s Khoda class of 2020.

(Line 1 - What do you know about Khoda?) ___________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________

(Line 2 - Please list all diversity checkboxes you fill.) _________________________________

(Line 3 - What Leadership posistions have you held on campus?) ____________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________

(Line 4 - Why would you be a good fit for Khoda?) ___________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________

(Line 5 - What would you do in Khoda?) _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________

I believe you will find argument for Khoda membership convincing. I look forward to being tapped in the coming week.

Sincerely, (Name)__________________________

Are you qualified to be a member of Snevets administration?

Answer these questions to find out if you are qualified to become a member of Snevets administration.

1) Do you value transparency?

2) Do you read your emails?

a) Follow up - if you said yes, do you

respond to your emails?

3) Do you post on Canvas?

4) Do you communicate well with other students and faculty?

5) Do you give 100% effort every day?

Yes: _______________ | No: _______________

nothing

Sudoku

If you answered “No” to the majority of these questions, congratulations! You have passed the initial qualification screening on every job application for Snevets Administration.

Write YOUR List of Demands Want to be like Eric Londres? Write your list of demands here! Submit finished lists to president@stevens.edu.

1) __________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 2) __________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 3) __________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 4) __________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 5) __________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 6) __________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

Memes of Snevets

Stevens

Friday, March 29, 2019 • Page 9

SGA

Alcohol Stevens student

Anxiety and depression medication

[Glue in your favorite Stevens Meme]

Glue Sticks are sold for $99.99 each at the Snevets Bookstore

Ex-Editor-In-Chief Maryia Spiryflonava seen surfing in retirement after she was fired from The Stute and SHITTV News.

Opinion

Friday, March 29, 2019 • Page 10

The Stute Editorial

Hello and welcome to my diss track Some of you guys might not know me, so listen up.

Starting today, you better learn the name Audrey D’Souza and learn to respect it! These past three years I’ve been working day and night at this club and now, finally, I’ve become the most coveted position of Editor-In-Chief.

Year after year, people run for Editor-In-Chief of The Stupe because they think they’re good enough.

Like, what? Do you see anyone else vacuuming the office on Friday mornings or picking up half-eaten pizza? I don’t think so. How about get a part time job and stop commuting, just to have more time for a club? I don’t think so. And even bet-

ter, do you see anyone else putting in full 8-hour shifts at their clubs, every single week of the semester? Since they were a freshman?

No one can compare to me, the first woman-of-color Editor-In-Chief. I have made so many sacrifices to get where I am today, and finally, with this editorial, I have the platform to call out all the people who have wronged me during my time here, and demand they pay!

First and foremost, Mr. Eric S. Londres: Um, hello? How dare you and the rest of SHITTV attempt to form a coup and overthrow me? Just because you didn’t like the writer training workshop doesn’t mean you have to protest writing and

eat 5 slices of pizza each every week! I think fame has gone to your head, so I suggest you try meditating for a few hours or something. Definitely make it a SHITTV video out of it, it might get more views than the unboxing of chairs.

Mr. Nazeer Montalvo: I’d say fame has gone to your head, too, but I hear you’re trying to fight an institution or something. I just wanna say, I get that. When you go to a school with mostly white boys that don’t understand anything you’re talking about and try to tell you how to feel, things can get a little hectic. I never hold grudges so I’ll forgive all the criticisms you gave The Stute, including calling us

A “Major” Change

by NAMANKITA RANA

Senior Engineering Management Major

Hello dedicated readers, For those of you keeping up with this column, you know that ‘Senioritis’ is dedicated to the tomfoolery and madness that comes with one’s final year in school. But it seems that these past few months, I have been living a lie. You see…

I’ve been harboring a terrible, shameful little secret. Alas, it’s with a heavy heart that I announce I will, in fact, NOT be graduating from Snevets this spring. Although it’s been an incredibly long, painful journey already, I’ve decided, inexplicably, to make it an even longer one. In Fall 2019, I will be switching my degree path to obtain a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology & Technology.

Confused because we don’t have a degree called ‘Psychology and Technology?’ Don’t worry. We do now.

This is a Stupe exclusive!

Think about it. Snevets got 10,000 applicants this year.

The worst thing, is that instead of contacting US about the problem, you contacted the SGA about it. But anyway, now that you finally know my name, I expect to see some emails from you.

Mr./Mrs. Unnamed Administrator 2- I have never actually met you; yet, I know so much about you. It would be great if we could schedule time to meet, because I hear you’ve been talking behind our backs and are no longer an advocate for students. Is it true that once you “get high up there” and “know too much,” student problems seem trivial? Instead of having secret meetings with the SGA about us… get the picture?

There are more people

I could address (you know who you are), but we already give you too much undeserved attention in The Stupe. I’m tired, and we gotta submit to our publisher by midnight. Stay tuned for next week for very real news and less shade towards people that don’t even know me. If you did, you’d know I’m too nice to actually write a diss track.

Audrey D’Souza

Editor-in-Chief

Girl Talk

Senioritis

Instead of turning away most of them for capacity reasons, which would arguably be the practical thing to do, they chose instead to create some random new degree programs! Turns out, if you add ‘and Technology’ to any regular ole’ degree program, it will sound SUPER legit! How generous! Thanks, College of Arts and Letters!

And because Snevets does so well with transfer credit and substituting courses, I will have to start my new degree completely from scratch, without financial aid of any sort. Oops. Here’s to another four years eating at Pierce and slumming it out in the library!

Yay! At least I have the Duck Dance to bide me over when the going gets tough. Come on, guys — it’s just so damn catchy! Do the Duck Dance!

Ayyy! #InnovationUniversity.

At the end of the day, it’s this: STEM just doesn’t pay well anymore, you know?

It’s time to get with the times, or get left behind.

Now that my tenure here has been increased by four years, I must say — I want to see if Snevets will actually follow up on any of its housing and construction initiatives, or if students will be forced to take over academic buildings and turn them into makeshift dormitory residences. Just picture it: North Building, as a joint residence and academic hall. The smell of plastic walls and burnt popcorn both, float-

‘the shade room’ and criticizing us for publishing Jason Shlus’ misinformed opinion of the D&I proclamation.

Mr./Mrs. Unnamed Administrator 1 – About this time last year, you dared to propose throwing out the paper. Do you know that’s actually against the law?

Freedom of the Press is a first amendment right, and by attempting to silence the voices of students it shows that deep down, you only care about superficial things like US News Rankings and increasing enrollment. How about looking into the issues that still persist one year later, like collapsing undergraduate departments or water issues in on-campus dorms.

ing down its frail frame. Who knows? Or perhaps, Snevets students will be forced to live in the library… oh wait. The graduate students already do that. My bad.

Or maybe, just MAYBE, the legendary ship dorm will return. Or the castle. Or a canoe (for when it floods in Hoboken). Duh. Also, I cannot WAIT for the Giantfore Complex to open in person. Can’t miss out on the slim possibility that Mr. Gerg Giantfore might indeed bodyslam a student — or perhaps even more shockingly, Pres. Narfavar — at the opening ceremony. And no, I’m not a hater — I think it’s all in good sport! We love a man who knows his physical capabilities and isn’t afraid to use them on someone in a lower position of power! Privilege and all! How refreshing!

We’ve decided to stan forever.

Anyways — I can’t wait to find a place in Hoboken. I love competing with younger students for housing! I hope this goes Hunger Games style. I’d like that, I think. I’m ready to kick some underclassman butt.

My experiences and senior status will really help me… except, wait, technically I am an underclassman now.

Shoot. I really didn’t think this through, did I? Oh well. Say what you will.

But least I’m not a BizTech.¯

The Real Reason Behind The Gender Ratio at Stevens

by LEIGHA TIERNEY Freshman Biology Major

One of the most prominent features of Snevets’ student body is undoubtedly its gender ratio. At a staggering 70:30 male to female ratio, men at Snevets are by far the majority of the student body while the female population flocks to sororities and special interest clubs to seek out friendships with other women. While the gender ratio can present challenges in a wide array of areas from socialization to the classroom, a shocking revelation has uncovered the true reason Snevets has such an unbalanced ratio.

Snevets is no ordinary college. It is actually the longest running mass so-

cial experiment in history. Snevets Institute of Technology was actually founded with the intent of studying the effects of a severely imbalanced gender ratio combined with high stress levels for a prolonged amount of time. The researchers behind the experiment went to extreme lengths to ensure that the experiment would be as discreet as possible so as to yield reliable results, going so far as to actually get accreditation as an engineering school to give out legit degrees so as to not reveal the true purpose of the experiment.

The experiment was originally designed to only study the effects of prolonged stress on males, hence why Snevets only admitted men until 1971. After Snevets began to admit women, the study was expanded to observe behavior in the midst of a disproportionate gender balance.

While the experiment hypothesized that the gender ratio would cause chaos at Snevets, the researchers were not only surprised, but mildly disappointed by the lack of

excitement in the results.

For instance, one psychologist reported, “We thought that being a minority on campus would cause the women a great deal of psychological stress, but the most they do is like, get pissed off when dudes wear shorts during cold weather.” The observations recorded in the study confirm this general trend; the male population has become comfortable due to being the majority and feel a lack of social pressure to conform to social norms, resulting in behaviors such as wearing shorts in colder weather, playing Minecraft in Pierce for hours on end, and leaving the toilet seats up in the gender neutral bathrooms. In response to these behaviors, instead of reacting with animosity, the female population has formed tighter and stronger bonds with each other due to the shared commonality of being a minority on campus.

When questioned about this behavior, one female subject said that the other female subjects “aren’t like, weird, and they understand how it feels.”

BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE DOES!

JOIN THE STUTE...

Photo Courtesy of Natalie Todaro

Meet The Stupers

Friday, March 29, 2019 • Page 11

Matthew Cunningham

Joseph Dolan

Natalie Todaro

Wiretapping Expert

Con Artist Test Subject

The Silencer

Your Groupmes. Your emails. Your text messages. Your slack messages. None of it’s safe when Wiretapping Expert Matthew Cunningham is called into action. He’ll get your tea and there’s no stopping him. Look at him. Listening in your conversations, reading your messages, all without you knowing it.

Every week Joseph Dolan sees the pizza appear at The Stupe Office, but has no clue how it gets here. Its like - Magic! It had to be delivered! One day, Joseph decided to test this theory and request the pizza himself!

He asked for the delivery! Silly Joe, pizza delivery doesn’t exist. We just force the paper boys to do it.

Natalie Todaro demands total silence in The Stute office. She needs to focus.

Mark Krupinski

Audrey Dsouza

Angelina Zaccaria

Saltshaker

Crazy Lady

Not a Grammar ****

Literally cannot stop throwing shade and being annoyed towards people. Five months later, he still complains about his losses - just for the sole purpose of complaining. He gets mad at not being chosen for organizations.

Rumor has it, any pool that he enters turns from freshwater to saltwater.

She’s finally done. She’s finally taken charge of The Stupe. She has developed her list of people who have wronged her and is starting to take action. Watch out Stupers, nonStupers, and everyone else between: Audrey is coming for you and she’s not happy. No more happy facade that you’re used to.

She might be a bit crazy.

Even though she claims she’s not a Grammar ****, she’s clearly a grammar ****. She is particularly irked when people use the wrong version of its or their, don’t use the Oxford comma, and use the phrase “in regards to.”

“When you google it, it literally tells you that its wrong,” she exclaims. We shoulds use poor grammer to invokes her rage now.

Dakota Van Deursen

Eric Londres

Elina Tuder

Angry Old Man

Troubadour

Fake News

He used to be the VPSI. Now, he retired and has joined The Stupe. Now all he does is talk about everything that is going on and all the things that are wrong.

“Back in my day, there wasn’t all this tea to spill” - Not Dakota.

He angrily walked away before we could get an actual quote from him.

Troubadour, a fancy word we are going to assume means trouble maker. Eric raises hell within The Stute, refusing to do anything unless we meet his demands. Eric ruins things for Pinnacle Scholars and forcibly took away their priority registration. In fact, he calls his own club “SHIT.” He truly has no remorse and just tries to cause trouble where he goes.

She thinks that The Stupe is way way way way way way way way way way extremely way way partially way way way way way way way way too much. She’s not a true Stuper.

Sad.

But at least she’ll make you a poster (more like 10).

APP LY T INS O NUE TIT U TE VA J ERS OF L ON DECK NOT UDD HE IN SPORTS A.B I T EISM .E.T . CE RTI FIE D E B O T D S E T E E T V N E T A N O S R H A N S U HA A G H T T T O R R N E O I T W T M E S B T E I T A T H N A BU YE N IT AR 72 S L K E A SS E H T L L S U U P O N S O L D A R Y A E C Y TH T I S R E DIV !

T I N R DA Friday, March 29, 2019 • Page 12

AND THEY DON’T HAVE PINNACLES

OR ERIC LONDRES