[The Stute] March 30, 2018 (Issue 21, Volume CXV)

Inside: Davis

#Stute, it’s a thing The Stupe just laugh, ok!

WE WRITE FAKE NEWS. Vol. CXV

Issue 21

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@TheStute

Friday, March 30, 2018

peephole thief captured!

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Established 1904

Snevets decides to cancel Wednesday classes for good!

by ANGIE ZACCARIA CopY Etidor

ing is guaranteed,” Narfarvar pleasantly reminded everyone, “but it’s up to us to say where and when.” Narfarvar went on about this new program, adding, “any resident assistants that feel like they do not have the optimal living space in

In a shocking turn of events, Snevets has reversed its decision to modify academic break.

Instead of reducing it from a five-hour break to a two-hour break, Provost Christopher Pear has decided to cancel Wednesday classes altogether after extensively interviewing professors and students.

Wednesday classes were held for the first time in nearly a month this past week, but many students and professors forgot that classes would be occurring. One calculus professor explained, “I thought that since class has been canceled for a while, we didn’t really need to meet today — hey, if the P.E. classes can do it, why can’t we?”

see SNEVETS • Page 2

see PEAR • Page 2

Edwin A. Snevets building | snevets.edu

State of Snevets Institute of Technology

by BURNS

Stupe Editor-in-Chief

President Narfarvar of Snevets announced, in his final speech as President, that he has sold the school. Up-and-coming entrepreneur and inventor Heinz Doofenshmirtz offered 20 million and 1 dollars for the entire institute, with plans to

make it greater than ever before. President Narfarvar hopes that his time here has been well-spent and that he will be remembered fondly. However, before stepping down, Narfarvar explained the final changes he will be making to this great institute.

All Snevets leased housing residents are subject to trade

apartments with the resident director at any time the resident director feels he or she does not have the best apartment possible. This change will roll out immediately, but any students directly affected by this change will be given at least 12 hours notice to remove all of their things and wait for their next assignment. “Remember, Hous-

Giantfore bodyslams President Narfarvar and gets another building named after him

by MATTHEW CUNNINGHAM Webmaster

Chi Chi Chi Sorority | Courtesy of Chi Chi Chi Sorority

Sororities to start throwing parties in response to numerous dry fraternities

by MARK KRUPINSKI Business Manager

The majority of fraternities have gone dry this semester, resulting in sororities throwing parties to compensate for the lack of events hosted by fraternities.

Normally, the Snevets Panhellenic Council (SPC) would prevent sororities from having alcohol at any of their events, but SPC decided to suspend the rules due to the dire circumstances. “Most of us really need something to let off steam,” said Becca Avalon, President of the Snevets Panhellenic Council.

“We thought that with fraternities being unable to throw parties, this would be the best option for us.”

All of the sororities on Snevets campus are working to determine which existing parties pre-

viously hosted by fraternities they wish to take over. Some sororities already know what parties they want to host, but others are undecided. Chi Chi Chi wishes to host the annual Spookyween party, and Tau Beta Alpha wants to take over the Salmon and Wine party. However, some sororities, such as Lambda Mu Nu are unsure about which party to host. “A lot of our sisters enjoy attending the soap party, but a lot of us also like attending the color party,” said Sasha West, Social Chair of Lambda Mu Nu. Both sorority sisters and fraternity brothers like the idea of this change to campus. “It’s nice to be able to party at your own house,” said Dana Fredricks, a sister of Gamma Gamma Delta.

“It’s a lot more comforting to puke in your own toilet than at some random frat party that your roommate dragged you to.”

Additionally, Ralph Ederson, brother of Zeta Sigma Epsilon, spoke positively of the change to norm. “Normally, I’d need ratio to get into parties, but now I just show up and there are tons of girls and free alcohol. I love it. Maybe we should be dry more often.”

However, not everyone on campus is a fan of the change: unaffiliated girls on Snevets campus are disappointed. “Do you know how hard it is to find three guys on campus?” said Katrina Sampson. “I’m going to parties to meet guys — how should I know them already?”

Unaffiliated girls are a small demographic at Snevets, occupying about 10% of the student body.

With the impending success of sororities hosting parties, SPC has already begun discussions with IFC to make this change permanent.

Congressman Greg Giantfore, while at Snevets to tour his incomplete academic complex, was caught bodyslamming Snevets President Narfarvar. Several witnesses describe the slam as “a bit too aggressive,” and a few witnesses even report that Giantfore bodyslammed Narvarfar more than once.

Giantfore claims that there was no malice intended. “You see, I haven’t been back to the Snevets campus in years,” said Giantfore. “I didn’t realize some brown guy became the President, so when Narfarvar approached me, I got scared and instinctively bodyslammed him. It was purely self-defense, nothing in bad taste.”

Many students suspected that Narfarvar would press charges and remove Giantfore’s name from the family academic complex. But instead, Narfarvar praised Giantfore, even hoping to name more buildings after him. “Bodyslamming is his trademark move,” said Narvarfar. “Whatever his reason for bodyslamming was, I’m so honored that out of everyone to bodyslam, he chose me.”

Narfarvar, days after the slam, announced in an email that he renamed “The President’s Home” to “The Giantfore President’s Home.” In the email, he said that he changed the name because he wanted to live in a building named after someone he “admired so deeply.”

Yet some students raised concerns about the renaming. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this change,” said one student. Narfar-

var released another statement, acknowledging the concerns. He renamed the home again to appease those upset students, calling it “The Giantfore Family President’s Home.”

The change satisfied the upset students. “The home is for the family,” said Senior Karla Alvara, “so I’m glad Narfarvar made that correction.”

Upon hearing that Narfarvar named another building after him, Giantfore began bodyslamming more Snevets faculty. Chief of the Snevets Police Department, Timothy Gryphon, was slammed three times, prompting Snevets to rename “The Gatehouse” to “The Giantfore Family Gatehouse.”

Some Snevets facilities weren’t even picked for slamming, and yet they still chose to honor Giantfore.

Snevets Athletics began offering a new P.E. course for Snevets students: Introduction to Bodyslamming. “This new program is something Snevets has always needed,” said Kristie Pearl, Director of Snevets’ Physical Education Program. “Bodyslamming can get these kids far nowadays. It can even get these kids into Congress.”

Some Snevets students think that the President’s Office is going too far by naming every building after Greg Giantfore, but Narfarvar insists that it’s necessary.

“When outsiders think of Snevets, they think of a few people: an ex-president who mismanaged school funds, a Trustee misrepresenting financial information, and a current president who supsee GIRG • Page 2

News Continued Snevets

Continued from front page

their building can just suck it up.”

An update is planned for the Snevets identification card system. “This will improve school spirit, as well as safety around campus,” Narfarvar boasted, explaining that “all students will now be given a rubber duck as their ID.” This revolutionary rubber duck program is not expected to be carried out in any other university for years to come, making Snevets the innovative school we were promised. The duck will include all necessary information on its bill, which can still be swiped for convenience, and the student’s photo will go on the bottom. Another benefit is the color cod-

ing. Each major will have a different color — Electrical Engineering with Snevets gray, Civil with Snevets red, Mechanical with green, any of those art things with blue, and the rest will have white.

Each duck will also have a convenient chip, which will monitor movement to assist in attendance taking. “And for anyone considering just giving their duck to a friend so they receive credit in a class, don’t do that.”

“We also, as a school, have decided to disband the SGA.” Narfarvar was cut off by a spear striking his podium. Behind the crowd, decked out in full war paint, stood a gathering of former student senators.

“We will not go gentle into that good night!!” yelled former President Timmy Monthly, return-

Friday, March 30, 2018 • Page 2

ing to defend the SGA. It was agreed that the Battle would be postponed until after the speech ended, so each side sat to listen to the new president speak while sharpening weapons and preparing armor.

“Hello, ladies and gentlemen. From this new base of operations, I will easily rule the Tri-State Area. First, new rules.”

The new president instituted first and foremost a complete and total ban on any aquatic mammals on campus. He continued to declare that all engineers would be required to take -inator classes, but since these classes will replace the design spine, most engineers won’t notice any difference. President Doofenshmirtz also announced an update to our alma mater, which from now on will be the

New president Doofenshmirtz replaces Howe center. | Chaz Zwicker Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. song. All four students who had the alma mater memorized were devastated. Finally, President Doofenshmirtz an-

Girg

nounced that he wished the best for all Snevets students not named Roger and thanked former President Narfarvar for accepting his humble

Pear

Continued from front page

Continued from front page

ports a climate-change denier,” said Narfarvar. “We obviously won’t name any buildings after them. But a body slamming congressman is someone we should be proud of! I mean, it’s not like we have any other notable alumni to name our buildings after.”

In addition to professors getting used to having a day off, students’ routines were permanently altered by the snow days as well. “I actually got lost on the way to my class this morning,” lamented freshman Stephen Stevenson.

“Since so many Wednesday classes have been canceled due to

offer for the school, remarking, “it really is a lot of money, certainly worth more than any kind of student petition or anything.” recent snow days, the Snevets community has become accustomed to having a break in the middle of the week.

Therefore, Wednesday classes will no longer be held in order to maintain our focus on student-centricity,” declared Provost Pear in an email to the Snevets community.

To compensate for the Wednesday classes being canceled, classes will now be held every Saturday.

Gossip Girl Comes to Snevets Spotted — Gossip Girl herself, headed towards the Babbio Center.

That’s right, sweeties.

It’s me.

After years of traipsing along the Upper East Side, I decided — what better way to spend my time than to dedicate Photo from YouTube myself to investigating

To reward those men and women who have been especially prominent in undergraduate activities at the college, the organization named Khoda has taken in twelve students from the Class of 2018. This club takes the place that is filled by the senior societies in other colleges, and election to it acts as a recognition of service to forward undergraduate affairs and the college spirit.

The membership of the club is limited to the number of charter members, twelve, and may never exceed this. Several meetings of the 2018 class have already been held, and the Khoda club has been placed, it is believed, upon a firm basis.

The club is not purely an honorary affair, but will exert a beneficial influence upon college

the sad, sexless lives of nerds on Snevets campus? The choked emotions, the honor board violation(s), the Greek scandals… oh, it’s bound to be riveting.

Some might call this a fustercluck. I call it just another day at Castle Point. But there are no

princes or princesses here — just a lot of sad, sad students, choking on some Adderall and drinking their sorrows away.

They say every action has an equal and opposite reaction, and once something is set in motion, it can’t help but

build up momentum.

I’m hoping the laws of physics apply here, too, though the wind tunnel at the Howe Building seems to indicate otherwise.

XOXO, Gossip Girl

Seniors elected to the Khoda Club opinion and will strive to mold Stevens spirit in all things in proper channels.

The club has taken in the following men and women from the class of 2018: S. Abdah, E. Abidor, R. Bertani, T. Burd, N. Fosko, B. Harris, G. McNeil, A. Paciulli, J. Pegler, D. Roghanian, S. Sayegh, and O. Schreiber.

Among the things that the honor society hopes to influence, Khoda, in its effort to further the welfare of Stevens students, conducts a “Safety Walk” with the Vice President of Facilities, Vice President of Enrollment, and Stevens Police each semester. The safety walk aims to address campus infrastructure in need of repair and allows members to raise the safety concerns of the undergraduates to the

administration.

Khoda shall serve as a liaison between the undergraduate student body and the Board of Trustees. Prior to each meeting of the Board, Khoda is to prepare a report outlining student initiatives and concerns.

After the Board adjourns, they confer with the young alumni member of the Board of Trustees to learn about the proceedings of the meeting.

The membership of Khoda will make every effort to conduct a Koffee Klatch each semester. The aims of this event shall be to address concerns with Honorary members, faculty, and staff.

New members from the junior class are notified of their installation in Khoda during what is called the “Tapping and Initiation Ceremonies.”

Khoda club members spotted going to their meeting.

Once tapped, a student can decide whether or not they want to accept their invitation into the society. Special consideration and oversight are known to be given to those students involved

in the Student Government Association, Honor Board, Student Faculty Alliance, Ethnic Student Council, and the Stute.

However, this consideration does not guarantee membership, as a recent

SGA President and the past few Stute Editors-InChief were not invited to join the senior society.

Ceremonies for new members in the Class of 2019 will take place in early April.

JOIN THE STUTE! IT’S FUN!

BurnsFeed

Friday, March 30, 2018 • Page 3

Snevets Accepts a Record Incoming Class of 95% Women, Faculty Expresses Concerns over Lack of Men Attending Institution Snevets student politely declines social plans, doesn’t have room on planner until 2020 Find out this one weird trick to lower your GPA! Snevets is a good school, change my mind.

ResLife, at least buy me dinner first?

Student tries weed once, calls mom to apologize Top ten reasons why you should have dropped out of Snevets last month Local squirrel attacks students after finding amaaaazing sh*t in trash cans outside of fraternity house Students protest when EC books Q-Tip for Off Point Kris Hewomanski gets promoted to Stupe advisor 1000 posters reading “NO POSTERS” found posted on the walls in Babbio Atrium on the morning of April 1st

Davis lawn snowman may have disappeared, but is he gone for good?

HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR BURNSFEED? Snevets is on fire. Again.

JOIN THE STUPE! ALEXANDER HOUSE 3RD FLOOR

X, the Professor we all need

by SARAH HOOGENBOOM Staff Writer

Professor X is the one professor that has set the standard for all Snevets professors and enriches the minds of undergraduate students, also known as “adults with training wheels,” so they can become full-fledged twowheel-bike riding adults.

We have all had Professor X without even realizing that we enrolled in the class. Somehow, we all roll up to X’s class ready to learn the most important “life skills” that do not apply to any profession in this century.

This semester, Professor X has really played into the idea of keeping stu-

dents on their toes. This past week, students were shocked when Professor X canceled class without telling anyone except for one student, who doesn’t even go to class. One student described the moment “like one of those surprise parties, but there is no surprise and no party because you dragged yourself out of bed and up the Eighth Street mountain for 9 a.m. class.” It was the event of the semester, and even the student that got the “class is canceled” email showed up AND was on time.

Professor X is a true hero of surprise and suspense and knows how to change people.

One student last year describes a particular

moment of suspense: “X taught us only one-third of the curriculum during the class, and then the other two-thirds showed up magically on the final on the last five out of six pages. At this moment, you could really feel the thrill you get when watching American Horror Story.” This element of thrill for Professor X’s finals exists every year, and somehow X always knows how to throw that obscure table from page xxii that everyone forgot to teach themselves onto the test. Yup, you know the one I’m talking about, right?

The best thing about Professor X is that X is notorious for allowing homework due dates to

slip. Students spend days in the musty library, trying to figure out the homework assignment. Then X completely forgets about the assignment, and instead of landing in the clammy and dry hands of Professor X, it ends up in the depths of the black holes that students carry on their backs. Huge plus: students save the gigabytes on their laptops and get to lay down the cash because there is no PDF available to download, and the textbook can only be ordered from an obscure Alaskan textbook distribution center that only delivers via Iditarod.

Not familiar with Professor X? Don’t you worry, your time will come.

Kiss goodbye to meat

by DYLAN JAMES MOON Staff Writer

Under pressure from the administration, CompassTwo will be removing meat options from Pierce Dining Hall. “The environmental consequences of today’s livestock industry are beginning to show themselves. Not to mention the inhumane treatment of the animals,” said one representative, mock-

ingly. The real reason for these changes, according to a statement released Sunday, is a growing number of little Arnold Schwarzeneggers at the school.

“We felt the presence of muscular and, frankly, super attractive male students ran contrary to our long-term vision as a technology school. I mean, we have freshmen coming in looking like Hulk Hogan.

Where do these kids think they are?” asked a bewildered President Narfarvar.

The motion comes with other recent changes to school policy, such as revised academic breaks, intended to boost the school’s image as a preeminent technological research institution.

“How are people going to believe we’re pushing the boundaries of hybrid

quantum-communication when we’ve got these kids running around? Like, if their muscles could do math we’d be making top10 lists,” stammered Provost Christopher Pear.

“I’m getting a lot of mixed signals,” added one athlete upon learning that tofu will also be removed from the salad bar. Vegans, for their part, think their complaints had something to do with it.

Student calculates savings on predead flowers

by DYLAN JAMES MOON Staff Writer

For a class project, senior Business and Technology major Timothy Stone found that Snevets would save several thousand dollars per year by renting potted plants that are already dead.

“The obliterating wind, cold, and longboard traffic are enough to tip any cost-benefit analysis into the red. As far as I’m concerned, money on living plants is money down the drain,” warned Stone.

According to the senior, lifeless plants would reduce both upfront and auxiliary costs. “Sure, the product is cheaper.

But now we have a reason to pay Physical Plant less than we already do,” he chuckled.

Professors couldn’t be more proud of the student. “I could hardly walk through the Howe Center roundabout without contemplating the

fleeting nature of existence, the bleak eternity pressing just behind the innocent pastel petals.

Now I don’t have to think about that,” said Dr. Steenmann, who teaches Stone’s 400-level Bioethics class. Dr. Billy Middlemon added, “It’s not heartless. It’s Utilitarianism!” Dr. Andieson, for her part, was pleased to see Stone using terms like ‘cost-benefit analysis’ in an interview.

The administration is looking to extend Stone’s proposal to include trees and grass.

The money, they believe, could go towards bigger, louder speakers in Colonel John’s “Imagine the looks on their faces when Ed Sheeran’s ‘In Love With Your Body’ starts blasting overhead in 900-watt, glass-shattering perfection. They’re going to wish the flowers were dead all along,” tittered a gleeful QAPS director.

Campus Pulse

Friday, March 30, 2018 • Page 4

Roving Reporter How did you get here?

“The other cone made me come.”

“THE PATRIOT ACT.”

“Through the hole right there.”

Traffic Cone #1

Security Camera

Traffic Cone #2

“A general lack of respect from the damn millenials.”

“Graduate Students.”

“The Innovation University”

A Stute in the Trash

Cigarette Butt

The Second Useless Push Door Thing

The First 12 Names you find are YOUR Khoda picks for the Class of 2019

Sudoku

Share your picks at thestute.com/khoda

The Stutey Bunch

Friday, March 31, 2017 • Page 5

Get to know the Stutey Bunch Sarah

Elina

Mark Done with your shit

and the SGA’s shit, not necessarily in that order

Disaster Central, yikes

“Don’t worry, it’s fine, everything’s fine.”

Maryia loves her be-

cause she tried to do layout.

I guess she can have a

nice photo then.

Angie

Matthew

Maryia

Silently laughing to

Had a panic attack

himself

about

SGA

Memes in the corner

finds

page.

SigEp

out

Too

about bad

probably will.

never

this

they

can’t

fix the same problem

Greek E-Board Member

of your articles. You lit-

she’s

the

only

Non-

you’ve had the past ten tle.....”

Lisa

Alex

You

when she realized that

of the Stute

Hopes

“Really?

Literally everyone on

Audrey Came up with the idea

the SGA hates her be-

for the Stutey Bunch

to do something. Wow,

what the Brady Bunch

cause she actually tries what a loser.

and still doesn’t know is

Come meet the Stutey Bunch in the Stute office, every Tuesday and Thursday night.

Opinion Continued

Friday, March 30, 2018 • Page 6

The Stupe Editorial

S.O.S.

We don’t write Snevets history.

Executive Board Editor-in-Chief ..........................Maryia Spirydonava Business Manager .............................Mark Krupinski Managing Editor ..............................Audrey D’Souza Outreach Chair ....................................Alex Murtagh Webmaster .............................Matthew Cunningham

Editiorial Board CopY Etidor...................................Angelina Zaccaria Head Photographer .........................Cole Yarbrough

Staff & Contributors Brad Tylutki Charles Zwicker Dylan James Moon Elina Tuder Khoda Koby Garcia Lisa Mengotto Marko Djapic Mary Ruane

Mathew Green Namankita Rana Nick Burns Off Center Olivia Schreiber PJ LoBello Rachel Stern Sarah Hoogenboom

It has been 5 days, 3 minutes, and 19 seconds since the mice have overtaken Jacobus. We did not see the attack coming — they came in the middle of the night, in a wave of thousands, but luckily, the building was mostly empty.

The only ones trapped are Stupe E-Board members, who were working on the newspaper layout, and SGA President Lukas Hallo and Vice President Rammmi Ramour, who were in the SGA office late at night. We are locked in the Jacobus conference room, and they keep constant watch.

Day 8: Time here has gone slowly. They feed us leftover snacks from the

Contact Us

various events that happened in Jacobus. The doors are barricaded with mouse traps, and the spiders have put webs all over the windows. It is hard to tell who their leader is. The mice only visit us in groups of three.

Day 9: Yesterday, they took away Lukas Hallo for “questioning,” and we have not seen him since.

I am worried I might be next.

Day 11: Today, they only gave us food in exchange for information. They were asking about the leaders on campus. They wanted to know who makes the decisions. It sounds like they are planning on overtaking Snevets. I

heard talks about Jonas and Palmer agents. We still have not seen Lukas.

Day 13: I don’t know how many more entries I can make.

The mice have found my charger and nibbled through the wire.

Day 15: The mice have finally made demands. They want a written contract saying that Jacobus won’t be torn down, and are calling on President Narfarvar to sign it in two days time. If the contract is not signed, the mice are threatening to move to the only other option… the library.

They promise that the cockroaches and other critters will follow!

Day 16: One day left for the de-

mands of the mice to be met. We have not heard if negotiations have been occurring or not. All I know is that water and food has become more scarce. I do not know what they plan to do with us if their demands are not met. We are getting ready to fight. We have been fashioning weapons from the mouse traps, yet progress has been slow.

We can only do so much work without the mice guards noticing. BUT WE WILL NOT YIELD!

Maryia Spirydonava Editor-in-Chief

Senioritis

Office Phone Email Office Location General Body Meetings Advertising Inquiries Mailing Address

The one about Senioritis

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business@thestute.com (we still need money)

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A disclaimer will accompany any letter that is published in The Stute stating this information.

Letters may not exceed 500 words in length and must be fully attributed with name and title (non-attributed letters will be considered on a case-by-case basis, but the author’s identity must be made known to a member of the Executive Board). They must be emailed to eboard@thestute.com. The Stute reserves the right to not publish any letter submitted for publication.

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by MARY RUANE Senior Accounting Major

Just a couple more weeks until graduation, and I really cannot believe it. Four years here and I can still remember how much hope I had when I first stepped foot on campus. Throughout the past four years, I have watched that hope slowly dwindle away day by day.

I feel like I am still stuck

in the Mind of a Freshman, just with a bit more Senioritis than when I started out.

It has been over two weeks since I left my apartment. I really have not been in the mood to go to class, and the only motivation I have to hang onto is the pretty good gig I have starting up after I graduate. They do not need to know (nor do they care) about how often I make my way to campus during the year as long as I keep my grades up.

Listen, Snevets has given me a lot in the past couple of years. Like, the guy-to-girl ratio has given me a prospective group of significant others, most of whom I found weren’t significant at all. (Shout

out to all my exes hanging around who probably don’t even read the newspaper.) The only thing I can really complain about is how sophomores get to choose to live on campus before any senior. I feel like I have been more deserving of a River Terrace Apartment than any sophomore I have met, and frankly, I think they should change that as soon as possible.

I really cannot wait for Off Point, or is it Boken?

I really could not care less about all this fighting over a music festival that will never be as good as the time Smash Mouth came to campus. Who is even playing this year?

Lil Dicky? Post Malone?

T-Pain? I hope not. It would have to be some-

one really good to get me to come to campus.

Anyways, seniors, as we finish these last few weeks we have at Snevets, let me remind you why we are here. Money. Spend it, make it, steal it. Except don’t actually steal it — I take no responsibility for the bad decisions you decide to make before graduation. Just do your best not to get arrested, because it will be hard to pay for your loans from the inside of a cell. Try your best to be on time for graduation too. I am excited to get out of here and I’m sure you are too, so let’s do it as quickly as possible. Well, I’m getting kinda tired so I hope you guys have a great April First, and I’ll see you next week.

Copyright © 2018 The Stute

Corrections & Clarifications

Mind of a Freshman

We never have any errors so don’t bother.

Snevets Freshmanitis outbreak remains uncontrollable

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by OLIVIA SCHREIBER Freshman Chemical Biology Major

It is with great concern that I inform my fellow students of the rampant outbreak of freshmanitis on the Snevets Institute of Technology campus. The senior administration at the university is in disbelief that 90% of the freshman class has fallen victim to this insidious plight.

While a “Patient Zero” has yet to be determined, the Snevets Health Center speculates that the rapid increase in student population might have contributed to the spread of the disease. With over 800

freshmen, it is no doubt that overcrowded classrooms, forced triples in the residence halls, and limited library space have played a significant role in the outbreak.

I am happy to report that our sophomore, junior, and senior students are at this point safe from the affliction. However, it is in your best interest to refrain from all communication with any freshman student exhibiting the following symptoms: unexplainable runs across campus, consistent complaining about Freshman Quiz period, lanyard ownership, short-term memory loss concerning the location of campus IDs, possession of half-working Arduino robots in decrepit cardboard boxes, and fear of having little to no time for anything.

Thankfully, the Department of Chemists and Chemical Biologists is working diligently to develop a cure. Those students who have committed

themselves to a career in drug therapy are pleased to note that a compound, developed with support from the Snevets Center for Healthcare Innovation, has already entered Phase II clinical trials. Afflicted freshman students looking to get A-pluses and perfect GPAs are encouraged to enter the trial.

Stevens is the third institution of higher education that has fallen victim to freshmanitis. We now join WPI and NJIT, universities that have struggled to contain the spread of the disease over the past several months. WPI leadership has recently reported a significant portion of its sophomore class showing similar symptoms to the afflicted freshmen.

I am hopeful that the drug in development will prove to be both efficacious and safe. In the meantime, freshmen have been quarantined in the Canavan Arena, the only space big enough to

host several hundred students. While this is upsetting news, upperclassmen have been seen rejoicing in those coveted spots on campus — the library and Pierce Dining Hall, specifically — which are now vacated by the school’s most recent additions. “I feel rejuvenated,” said one junior student, who claims that he has not been able to sit in the library since his own freshman year. “There is just so much more room!”

Snevets Campus Police was mandated to continuously monitor the campus; however, even our beloved “Dads with badges” fear for their own health. They have since relocated to a new office in the basement of Kidde, a strategic move to decrease the likelihood of freshman contact.

The next few weeks will be difficult, but if there is any consolation, all students should expect a cancellation of all final examinations for the Spring 2018 semester.

Opinion Continued

Friday, March 30, 2018 • Page 7

The Stupe Movie Review

The Room

by KOBY GARCIA

Junior Visual Arts and Technology Major

Some call it the worst movie ever made. Some consider it the best. Following the success and attention of The Disaster Artist (2017), Tommy Wiseau’s The Room (2003) has seen a resurgence in popularity. After visiting and revisiting and revisiting and revisiting The Room, I can safely say it is one of the best films I have ever experienced.

The Room, starring Tommy Wiseau, is a 99-minute film that was also written, directed, and produced

by Tommy Wiseau.

The film is bad. No, really. Putting the cult following and its embarrassing and uncomfortable hilarity aside, there are no redeeming qualities of

this film. Entire shots are out of focus because no one bothered to check the camera(s) on set. Certain plot points in the film never arise again. The actor performances are awkward and, frankly, painful to watch. The entire production of the film, from writing to producing to editing, was a… disaster.

All thanks to one artist.

Tommy Wiseau is a mystery: no one really knows where he’s from (he claims he is from New Orleans), no one really knows how old he is (although he claimed to be in his late 20s in the year 2003), and no one really knows how he has made all of his money. Tommy spent approximately $6 million of his own money on the entire production of The Room, in-

cluding paying for the film to stay in theaters long enough for Academy Award consideration and paying for the ONE billboard of his film to stay up for FIVE YEARS. The film was only actually in theaters for two weeks and only made about $1,900. Even though this production was a mess and “tanked,” fans ate it up afterward. There is an abundance of jaw-dropping information and fun facts surrounding the film, the film’s production, and Tommy Wiseau himself, and if you ever want to know more about it, contact me at kgarcia2@stevens.edu.

Although Tommy Wiseau set out to produce a compelling, cinematic-landscape changing, dramatic film, The Room ultimately fell flat on its

face… but did it really? Ask anyone if they know The Room and you’ll most definitely get some type of emotional response from those who do (some may roll their eyes while many will greet you with elation). There are countless showings of The Room throughout the country every week, and many attendees partake in “fan rituals,” such as throwing plastic spoons in the air and playing football (both of which are relevant to the film).

Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero (co-star, line producer, author of The Disaster Artist, and (unofficial) Tommy Wiseau “translator”) show up seemingly randomly to some of these showings to greet fans and answer questions. The cultural impact this film has

is unmatched, really.

The Disaster Artist (the film based on the book written about Tommy and the production of The Room), was nominated for an Oscar this year for Best Adapted Screenplay and opens with a collection of interviews with celebrities speaking volumes of The Room’s importance. Honestly, The Disaster Artist (film) was one of my favorite films of 2017 and The Disaster Artist (book) was one of my favorite reads in a long time.

“So Koby, how is it possible that a movie as bad as this one is of the best films you’ve ever experienced?”

For me, it’s the inspirational aspect of the film, and hear me out before you skip to another article. Not only did Tommy Wiseau fearlessly pursue and fulfill his dream,

“The Room is literally best the movie EVER to exist. If you don’t agree, fight me.” - Not Koby

but he was able to and continues to make the most of the unexpected reception of his film. What was supposed to be a tragic story about betrayal and love turned out to be a laughing stock of a film, yet to this day, Tommy Wiseau is able to embrace the attention and unorthodox success of his film.

While I don’t aspire to be like Tommy Wiseau at all, I do admire his determination and positivity.

If you haven’t seen The Room, grab a few of your closest friends and family members and their friends and some soon-to-befriends and watch it.

Embrace its terribleness, memorize your favorite lines of dialogue, and laugh.

If you have seen The Room, grab a few of your closest friends and family members and their friends and some soon-to-befriends and watch it.

Revel in the familiar experience that always feels brand new, quote all of your favorite lines, and laugh. Just as Tommy Wiseau “intended”!

Girl Talk

Columnist ousted from own column Girl Talk after facing criticism that the very word “Girl” infantilizes women

by NAMANKITA RANA

Junior Engineering Management Major

Things are not looking good for the Stute’s columnists these days. Of them, it’s the scandal-afflicted, Lady Macbethian columnist Namankita Rana who is doing the worst. Yes, the news is true — Girl Talk will be discontinued thanks to particularly vitriolic backlash re: the column’s name.

One-time (and only one-time) Stute reader Sankee Maringanti expressed these concerns, which are believed to have led to Namankita’s resignation from the column. As she told the Stute, “Why is the column called GIRL talk? Why not WOMAN TALK? Namankita needs to STOP INFANTILIZ-

ING WOMEN!” Maringanti continues, “Namankita is out of touch with the experiences of women on campus and can no longer claim to be one of us. Her woman card is revoked, effective immediately.” No word on how exactly that will happen, or even whether Maringanti has the authority to revoke someone’s woman card at all, but as she assured our reporters, one’s qualifications for a position of power don’t matter anymore anyways, so who cares?

This is hardly the first criticism the column has come up against. Others have argued that the column is too offensive to men, who rarely get their perspective or fair share in the professional and social spheres.

Still others believe that women are biologically predisposed to excel in STEM, while men are not, and the propagation of this column was only furthering those unfair sentiments. Weird!

With a devout readership of exactly two women on campus (one

of whom is the Stute’s Editor in Chief Maryia Spirydonova, and the other of whom is the overworked and underappreciated Managing Editor Audrey Dsouza — both of whom are literally REQUIRED to read said column before it goes into print), it’s safe to say that we don’t think the column will be missed much.

In other news, “Girl Talk” will be replaced by “Man Talk,” a column focused on discussing the struggles and issues of the much more under-represented male population on campus.

No word as to who will be writing this column — finding someone with the crystal-clear clarity of vision to pen the unique male experience on Snevets campus has been a #struggle.

Namankita is not available for comment, although, yes, she did in fact write this article.

Because no man was writing this article for her — she was purportedly “reclaiming her narrative” or something like that. Sad! What a nasty woman!

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Pierce/ResLife

Friday, March 30 2018 • Page 8

Cuisine Corner .

Fine Dining: Il Ristorante Penetrante

by MARKO DJAPIC

Junior Chemical Biology Major

If you’re familiar with the Stute’s fine dining reviews, you ought to be familiar with something we call the “Is-it-as-goodas-Pierce” Factor. Everyone knows this phenomenon on some level — that feel-good gut feeling you get as you sit down somewhere, dig your butt into whatever plush chair is about to serve as your throne for the night, and prepare for a binge of excess calories and selfloathing. Did you really need that fifth bottle of $200 Merlot? That last triple-decker burger?

A whole stick of butter with nothing else??

Of course not! It’s Tuesday and you have three

exams tomorrow, but WCPR just put on the biggest indie banger of 2019 (you haven’t heard of it yet) and you’re ready to dive in with the dignity of the next disgraced NY senator. On your marks people.

Before getting to Il Ristorante Penetrante I figured I might as well call the man with the plan, Dominic Blakemore. As the CEO of CompassTwo, I always have him on speed dial before I go get food. He warns me ahead of time if the sous-chef de cuisine had been reading Yelp reviews for inspiration that day or not. This time, though, the phone went straight to a very polite robo-voicemail, which struck me as odd; it’s usually a very exasperated robocall threatening some type of legal action unless I stop calling that number. I took it as his way of telling me not to miss today, and I promptly ran over.

From the moment I saw the options, I knew Blakemore hadn’t led me astray. Jamaican Chicken, Adobo Pork Loin, Vegetarian Mexican La-

CONTACT & INFO Il Ristorante Penetrante

1 Castle Point Ter. 201-216-5113

7AM - 12AM Service: Food: Location:

Marko Djapic

sagna, Tempeh soy fajitas, jalapeno corn pudding, and spicy green beans? The opulence of the menu rivaled Ric Flair as his best. I threw a heap of everything on a plate, made a sandwich on the new panini press, and flicked my wrist on some stir fry before Wooing my way to the nearest table. Tasty indeed.

Digging in, the first words that left my mouth were “wow these loins

Students endanger yet another housing facility

by DYLAN JAMES MOON Staff Writer

None of the freshmen living in Humps were surprised when, last Sunday, an electrical fire threatened to wipe them off the map. A group of freshmen, nonchalantly watching the firetrucks arrive, showed their immense powers of foresight by questioning the regularity of safety inspections and alternating between comments such as “Honestly, I kind of expected this from the ad-

ministration,” and “Man, this administration.”

The school, for its part, expressed shock at the malfunction. “We figured with a couple hundred engineers regularly using the space, things like this wouldn’t just slip by. I mean, hell, Giantfore probably walked right by that thing when he was here!” an incredulous spokesperson responded. The school contends that its course offerings have prepared the students for situations like this. “The smells,

the sounds, all the warning signs, we teach them everything they need to know. Frankly, I’m disappointed that it got to this point,” said an electrical engineering professor.

“This demystifies a lot, actually,” remarked ResLife pointing to the student negligence behind a recent slew of water pipe and heater malfunctions.

One employee added, “These kids aren’t paying 60k for nothing. I’m just hoping they start taking some responsibility.”

Death of an Editor

by NICK BURNS Burns

It is with great sadness that the Stupe must report that our Editor in Chief, Maryia Spiranovum, has passed away this past week, in what can only be described as an honorable death on the field of battle.

Our faithful Editor had been a member of the Stupe for years, first serving as Managing Editor until she later became Editor in Chief in the time when we needed her the most.

When SITTV declared an all-out media war on the Stupe, many thought it was some sort of joke, but not Maryia Spirenovella.

Banter was exchanged, and both sides published reviews of the other, as well as propaganda to turn unin-

volved people to their side. But it was when the E-Boards demanded ritual combat that things became complicated.

The Stupe E-Board, led by Maryia Spiridonovan herself, marched forward on Palmer Lawn, decked out in full battle armor. The SITTV crew was there waiting, but, defying the rules of Ritual Combat, the entire club was present, not just the EBoard. It was a dishonorable ambush. Outnumbered and quickly surrounded, the Stupe E-Board did the only thing they could: fight their way out.

The battle lasted for only 65 seconds. Maryia Spirallingfrenzy defeated the entire enemy E-board whilst her comrades held off the rest of the club, sparing

them mercifully one by one. But after the ritual combat had clearly ended, the entire SITTV E-Board already having yielded, the rest of the club fought on.

Leaderless and fighting only for vengeance, it was a force not even Maryia Speardodger could defeat. In order to save the rest of her E-Board, she sacrificed herself, which gave time for the Stupe EBoard to escape. Peace was made between the two factions with the Stupe having clearly won the war, despite losing the most.

Emergency Elections will be held at the regularly scheduled GBM next week, Tuesday at 9 p.m. in the Stupe office. The paper will go on. It’s what Maryia Superioreditor would have wanted.

are burning!!” While Adobo isn’t really spicy, my ceiling for heat is typically white bread, so it was a big step for me. The lasagna was much more my speed.

The pasta chips were held together by leathery mozzarella straps that reminded me that I could have been eating my backpack, but its macros wouldn’t fit in my diet plan. After that, I mashed the fajitas and corn pud-

ding in my mouth simultaneously with a gulp of mountain dew, and to my surprise, the balance of tofu and corn with pure MLG no-scope potential was delightfully tasteful.

That said, I was left disappointed at the lack of Dorito-based foods. Buyer beware!

After a few more rounds of sampling the ice cream bar and making sure the Lucky Charms were up to par,

Price: $$$$ I can safely recommend Il Ristorante Penetrante as the best dining option in Hoboken today. While they offer breakfast and lunch, Il Ristorante Penetrante really shines as a dinner date option; let your significant other know it’s real by surprising them with this classic riverfront eatery. Just remember it’s black tie only; you DON’T want to be that person who comes underdressed.

Snevets cancels all leased housing

by OFF CENTER Staff Contributor

In an effort to keep students of Snevets Institute of Technology continuously innovating in their academic and personal lives, an initiative has been set in motion to cancel all leased housing. The administration hopes to promote creative problem solving and life-long survival skills by making a subset of the student body homeless.

Students will have to engineer shelters from the wide array of refuse Hoboken has to offer, design traps to capture squirrels and other small mammals, and act as project managers for larger tasks like organizing a shuttle system to pick up those with off-campus huts.

Many students who have received the news of this

new program have already staked out a living quarter in Hayden Lounge. The couches were the first to be claimed with serious disputes arising as to whether these fortunate furniture dwellers should maintain the cushions on their respective couches or forfeit them to students relegated to the floor.

The library is also shaping up to be quite the hot property to the displaced students. When asked about this plan to live among the books, prospective library resident Lucas Crinston said, “I’m just going to fall asleep in a booth before they close and hope they think it’s not worth it to wake me up and just lock me in there for the night.”

Incoming freshmen have been warned to not let any upperclassmen into

Hayden, Davis, Humps, or CPH. “Under no circumstance is a non-freshman allowed in any freshman dorm,” reads the advising email. “This policy is not only for their own good, but for your own safety.

The risk that these students will steal your key and take possession of your dorm as their own is far too great to ignore. Please be safe and be smart. Also no big fridges. If you have to ask, it’s too big.”

Canceling leased housing seems to be the best options for all parties involved. The university hopes to create more capable and selfsufficient students, ready to take on the real world.

Being homeless will start at rates as low as $7,435/ semester, and students will still be required to purchase the Gray Meal Plan.

“The SGA is amazing,” says the SGA

by MATTHEW CUNNINGHAM Webmaster

After spending an entire semester passing changes to its own bylaws, Lukas Hallo, the President of the SGA, declared, “The SGA is amazing.

We’re doing great work.”

Other officials of the SGA shared Hallo’s belief. Rammmi Ramour, the Vice President of the SGA, believes that the

SGA could not be in a stronger position. “We’ve had a lot of accomplishments,” said Ramour. “I can’t even begin to list our accomplishments.

Uh, seriously, I can’t list the things we’ve done.”

Alina Tooder, the chair of the SGA Public Relations Committee, said, “I typically send a semesterly newsletter, but my newsletter is blank right now — uh, only because I can’t

decide what to put in it!”

Laura Mango, however, thinks that some SGA officials are taking too much credit for the SGA’s success. “The SGA is amazing because of me,” said Mango. “If it weren’t for me, the SGA would be nothing.”

Other SGA officials were asked to comment about SGA’s progress, but they were too busy eating ice cream at their own event to comment.

“I can’t even...uh, seriously...”

Opinion Continued

Friday, March 30, 2018 • Page 9

Campus Conservative

SGA Insider

We need Timmy Monthly Reasons to be a Socialist or Communist: as SGA President again

by MARK KRUPINSKI

Sophomore Computational Science Major

Ever since Lukas Hallo took office, I feel the SGA has taken a tremendous downward turn. Previous SGA President Timmy Monthly pursued numerous initiatives that benefited the student body so much. But what has Hallo’s administration done? Nothing. (Yikes.)

Monthly had so many great initiatives, such as one of my favorite initiatives: the stipend bill.

Monthly knew what he was doing when he sponsored that bill, but it’s so unfortunate that the stipend bill didn’t pass.

The SGA does so much great work! They should be paid for it! All those minor bylaw changes they made and those larger bylaw changes are super important and help so many students; they need to be paid for this hard work. I don’t

think that I could do that; senators deserve all the praise that they get.

Let’s also not forget about the naming of the Giantfore Family Academic Complex. I love that Monthly and his administration decided to be the Snevets administration’s puppet, discounting the student body’s views. As Monthly obviously knows, the SGA serves as the connection between the student body and the administration. Therefore, they need to act like administration. The SGA needs to look out for the interests of the school. Yet I haven’t seen any effort to do that from Hallo’s cabinet. I’ve only heard about meetings with the Snevets administration with no viewpoints developed during those meetings. What does the administration think, Hallo? What does the administration want? Why aren’t you doing everything they say? We need to know.

Hallo, unlike Monthly, has not named a single one of his initiatives publicly. Hallo doesn’t even have the audacity to further the goals of Monthly. Hallo is a disappointment as SGA President.

I know that he could

develop some great initiatives. One idea could be increasing the President’s Discretionary Fund from $2,000 to $50,000. Since Hallo is president, I feel like we should be able to trust him with more budgeting issues and how to use our Student Activity Fee. We pay it to the SGA — it’s only justified that the President of the SGA decides how it’s used.

Or perhaps Hallo, if he had the courage, could lead a proclamation praising the school for accepting the donation from Greg Giantfore. Last semester, the SGA passed a weak proclamation criticizing the decision; perhaps, this semester, the SGA could pass a strong proclamation praising the decision. I think this is the correct move — if Hallo is comfortable using “strong” language.

Frankly, Lukas Hallo is a disappointment as president. He is afraid to use strong language to further great goals of his own, or set forth by Timmy Monthly. Maybe we need a different president in office. Maybe I could do it. But living up to Monthly’s term is a tough task — I’m not sure if anyone could!

by ALEX MURTAGH Sophomore Civil Engineering Major

1)You don’t understand economics or anything else for that matter.

2) End of list.

“Previous

SGA President Timmy Monthly pursued numerous initiatives that benefited the student body so much. But what has Hallo’s administration done? Nothing. (Yikes.) ” SGA Roundup

Entirety of Snevets student body piles into Jacobus Lounge for Scoops with SGA

by ELINA TUDER Freshman Business and Technology Major

Picture this: over 3,000 undergraduate students lining up to meet their SGA representatives and enjoy ice cream. This is precisely what happened on Wednesday with my first-ever organized event at Snevets: Scoops with SGA. All of the students were shoving to get into Jacobus Lounge

because they care about improving their experience at Snevets and wish to meet and give feedback to SGA senators and the Cabinet. Of course, the occasional student was there solely for the free ice cream, but 99% of the student body was there to interact with the SGA. While interviewing myself, I said, “I knew that ice cream is popular, but I didn’t know that the event would be such a huge success.”

I only budgeted for 60 servings of ice cream, so when literally everyone showed up, I dialed CompassTwo, the Snevets catering company, and they had to have drones fly in and deliver more ice cream.

I spent about a month planning this event, hav-

ing multiple nightmares throughout the process: forgetting name tags, no one showing up, and, most memorably, all of the ice cream melting. Thankfully, almost none of this happened!

Of course, since it was a thousand degrees in Jacobus, my worst nightmare manifested itself, and pretty soon I was serving soup to the student body, but according to attendees, “it was the best soup we’ve ever had.”

With feedback from a Google Form that I had floating around, I can now safely say that I would like to do another event in the future. I won’t keep you in suspense, so just watch out for my next event: Soup with SGA!

If you are interested in the Stute, email eboard@thestute.com with your name, address, SSN, credit card number, a sample of your blood, CWID, and at least one complaint about the administration. Thank you.

Sports

Friday, March 30, 2017 • Page 10

Fencing Banned from Snevets Campus

by MARK KRUPINSKI Business Manager

PJ LoBello

Snevets Football Team to host open tryouts

by BRAD TYLUTKI Staff Writer

You may not be awaYou may not be aware of it, but Snevets has a football team and she hasn’t lost yet. When the head coach, Betty Betty, was questioned about her team’s success, the only explanation she was able to come up with was, “I tell them to win and they do.” In addition to her must-win attitude, she later said that the

manual labor she forces the team to participate in keeps them in shape and tired enough to not escape.

Due to the large number of seniors who will be leaving next semester, open tryouts will be held during the upcoming fall semester for the first time in Snevets Football. To participate, Betty requires that you are in good academic standing, which Betty considers to be a 4.3 grade point average, you must volunteer

a minimum of 80 hours per week, and you must remain on an all-Pierce diet for the duration of the season. For more information, you may visit Betty in her office, which is located in the Giantfore Family Academic Center.

Please show your school spirit and support the Snevets Ducks football team at their first game, which will be held on September 17th, 2018 in Walker Gym.

Snevets bowling club goes underground

by DYLAN JAMES MOON Staff Writer

Early this semester, the Snevets Bowling Club dissolved due to an alleged lack of leadership and communistic tendencies implemented by the eboard. However, photos leaked to Stupe intelligence suggest that their activities have continued in the basement of Jaco-

bus.

With multiple Bowling Wii stations set up, the formally publicly acclaimed bowling team has set their focus to improving their bowling techniques. Freed from the hawkish eye of the SGA, the bowlers now enjoy virtually unlimited discretion to treat the bowling lanes as they please with random outbursts of vandalism to the

bowling alley.

“We have the workstudy employees. We have the combinations. Keys.

Pins! Balls! There’s nothing you can do to stop us!” cried the informant. In order to get their alley back, the team plans on throwing bowling balls at President Narfarvar’s house.

It is unclear whether the administration knows or cares.

After a series of unfortunate events, Snevets Fencing has faced a permanent ban from Snevets campus. All fencing faculty members have also been fired.

“Fencing is a disgrace to our campus,” said President Narfarvar.

“Aside from the physical harm of stabbing someone, there is also the mental abuse of someone forcing you to stab someone. It’s amazing that we have allowed fencing on Snevets campus for this long.”

Unsurprisingly, most of the fencing staff and team members were disappointed by the change.

“I love to fence, but I understand the change,” said Carrie Long, captain of the women’s fencing team. “I’ve fenced for nearly four years at Snevets now, and its ending is bittersweet. There were some underlying problems that needed to be addressed.” Long declined to comment on these underlying problems. One of them could be the fencing team’s

poor record — they have not won a single out-ofconference match for the past few years.

“I don’t understand the change at all,” said Jared Soars, a member of the men’s fencing team. “Our team is perfect, our dynamics are perfect, our record is perfect, everything is perfect. It must’ve been something on the other fencing team, damn it.”

Coach Lana Hawksmoor declined to comment to the Stupe reporters. However, one reporter noted that she slipped an angry letter underneath the door of President Narfarvar’s house. The exact wording of the letter is unknown.

Snevets administration has stated that the ban will begin at the beginning of the Fall 2018 semester. Additionally, all Fencing P.E. classes have been canceled, and no credit will be given for fencing courses taken in the past. All students who have previously graduated taking fencing must return immediately, otherwise their Snevets degree will be rendered invalid.

Marie-Lan Nguyen

Family of Trustees fires Jon Lorezee for mismanaging club sports R E D A C T E D

‘apolitical’ I had a freshman do defines the term as ‘not

by MATTHEW CUNNINGHAM interested or involved in Webmaster politics.’ By remaining neutral in the face of injustice, we not only homogeneousThis past Wednesday, ly represent all of the stuseveral administrative dents, but also none of the groups joined efforts to students at the same time.” host Snevets for Solitary.

After a quick break to pat This event advocated for each other on the back, CE the community to take a President Mehg Glesaris stringent stance against in- took the time to reiterate stitutional reform to pro- Rammi’s points: “As somemote apathy across campus. one with a close relationTo kick off the event, SGA ship to our Snevets Student President Rammi Faily, Office, I believe I speak for whose own platform pro- all students when I say we moted “change” despite a must be a campus of acceplong career of student gov- tance; acceptance of how ernment advocacy, spoke hard it is to voice contrarion the value of neutrality: an opinion, so you might as “A quick Google search of well not; acceptance of said,

A R T I C L E

A T

“Worthless! What the fucing fudd do you expec it! cannot find a way to change their own structure, so they ask the students, who deny the responsibility in tandem; acceptance of the status quo. To show truth to this power, I have taken on an initiative to revise our constitution to keep me as CE President until the end of the university or when someone takes issue – whichever comes first.”

Following the two speeches, the event then proceeded to a solitary march-in-place in the Fabbio Lobby. In lieu of walking around campus, like in an actual social activist display, participants were asked to think of com-

R E Q U E S T O F

plaints about the university’s shortcomings, but keep those statements to themselves – representing the inaction of student leaders who seek concerns every day, but bravely refuse to take a stance.”

When the parade came back around to the Fabbio Center, the student body was surprised with a monument commemorating the occasion: a sculpture evoking Alfred M. Mayer, one of the first to accept a professorship of physics at Snevets.

Mayer’s contribution to studying technology in musical vibrations inspired administration to and and and the Family of Trust-

F A M I L Y O F

ees caught Lorezee having a sion a tuning fork from Family of Trustees took pictures of Lorezee while he fuclshort-lived however, as one of the prongs of the fork fell from the wind tunnel that is the university campus. This left the fist-shaped base with a single prong erected towards the student body. This past Wednesday, several administrative groups joined efforts to host Snevets for Solitary. This event advocated for the community to take a stringent stance against institutional reform to promote apathy across campus.

To kick off the event, SGA President Rammi

T R U S T E E S

ON DUCK IN SPORTS

NOTICE

SPORTS CANCELLED

INDEFINITELY

WEATHER VARIATION

CITED

ALL SPORTS CANCELLED DUE TO MASSIVE WEATHER FLUCTUATIONS All sports games have been suspended indefinitely pending m e t e o r o l o g i c investigation.

In recent weeks, repeated weather fluctuations have caused the fields on and off Snevets campus to become unusable.

Some students have been complaining about the weather as well, citing the frequent climbing of temperature, followed by a sudden drop.

Student athletes seem to be taking this cancellation worse than others. Said one student (probably), “It was the only thing to look forward to in midterm season.”

Duck country scoreboard Snevets

Opponent/Event

Score

Result

Fencing Fencing Fencing Fencing Fencing Fencing Fencing Fencing Fencing

VS Alabama Crimson Tide VS The Sages College VS Haverford College VS Middlebury College VS New Jersey City University VS New Paltz Do you really care?

Tatooine Open @ NYU

45-44 10-0 10^6-5 20-3 5-4 0-5 Idk

Undeniable Win Interrupted (for dinner) Win 3rd Banishment Loss How does Fencing work?

1st, 2nd

N/A 2 Deaths

Win Snevets Sports Information

FOR MORE INFORMATION, HEAD TO: WHEREVER YOU WANT, I DON’T CARE. SERiOUSLY, GOOGLE IT.