The Stupe just laugh ok
#Stute, it’s a thing
We don’t write Snevets history.
Volume CXIV • Issue 21
TheStute.com
Friday, March 31, 2017
@TheStute
/TheStute
Established 1904
Snevets Closing meal plan still required
by NICK BURNS Staff Writer
On Today, March 31st, at 8am, from his house, on the Snevets campus, next to the Castle Point Hall, Pres NarFarvar made a statement that cannot be quoted here since this reporter forgot to quote him. However, the gist was remembered, since the statement had such far-reaching effects. Snevets Institute of Technology, after 147 years of education, will be closing. All sports teams will continue activities, as well as any ethnic clubs, media organizations, forum communities, on-campus jobs and, obviously, the continued construction projects scattered across campus. However, all classes will be canceled next semester, although registration will still be open in the coming week. Offices will be closing starting yesterday, and will continue to close through august, when the Res Life offices will finally close. Any credit transfers will need to be requested immediately, as all record of any student activities (aside from billing) will be literally shredded and burned on May 18th. Farvardin continued to announce a celebratory bonfire
that will be scheduled for May 18th, with a whole day filled with activities. Faculty will be fighting gladiator style for their severance pay in the morning, and any fallen fighters will be given Viking funerals on the Hudson as the sun sets, on boats built throughout the day by however many Naval Engineers can be gathered together. He then returned to the logistics of the school’s closing. Any students currently working on graduate degrees will be laughed at and dismissed, but all undergrad students can transfer credits if they put in a request to the office of undergraduate academics before the employees are eliminated in the gladiator battles mentioned earlier this article. All housing contracts still apply for the next semester, on campus housing will be regardless of the fact that all detonated in whatever manner the Chem-Bio majors can manage. Palmer Hall will be spared, because those students have suffered enough. Offcampus housing is still provided, and waitlisted students are still guaranteed housing, discussed in a separate article on page LAYOUT NOTE. Any RAs chosen for next year will be paid until August, when Res life offices will close permaclipartkid,com nently. Due to this, room in-
Stupe forced to pay readers by MARYIA SPIRYDONAVA Puppet Master
After the last SGA budget meeting, Stupe was told to increase readership and circulation, or have publication shut down. Stupe has tried to rally its readers and supporters to fight this ultimatum. However, Stupe readers instead began burning Stupes and yelling, “Death to the Stupe!!!” The staff of the newspaper feels personally betrayed, “The Stupe prides itself on being a voice for its readers! The fact that they refuse to support us is a new level of betrayal,” said a Stupe employee. When asked to comment, the EIC just hissed. The newspaper organization has become divided, some members are outraged and simply say, “If we are not wanted on campus, then fine! I can finally go to LANS on Thursday nights. I DON’T NEED THIS!” Others,
on the other hand, will not give up and have arranged sit-ins. Some eboard members have decided to take advantage of the chaos and taken the Stupe money and made a run for it. In a final attempt to save the Stupe, the remaining eboard and staff held an emergency meeting. After weeks of endless discussions, they finally came to a solution. “If all the SGA wanted was to increase readership, then that’s what they will get!” commented an eboard member. The Stupe had decided to use their ad money to pay people to read the Stupe. Since doing so, the Stupe has been able to not only increase readership but also improve its overall presence on campus. The Stupe has received multiple awards for being the most influential club on campus. Once again, the Stupe has been able to survive despite, eh nevermind.
Photo from Snevets Institute of Technology
spections can only be carried out on Mondays. Res Life apologizes for the inconvenience. Any and all scholarships being provided by this school become useless, since the Institute will no longer exist, and once again, housing contracts still must be honored by all students. The fee to back out of these contracts has also increased to $20,000, in order to help pay for the colosseum that will need to be built for the aforementioned battles. Of
course, due to current Res Life policies, meal plans are still required by all but commuter students. Snevets Food services will be closing on April 2nd, so that funds may be funneled into the colosseum project. Pres NarFarvar thanks all current Snevets students, and encourages them to do well in the future, before asking one final time for alumni donations, then entering his private helicopter and flying off to his personal island.
Rump adminstration calls the Stupe fake news by ALEX MURTAGH Staff Writer
On Tuesday morning President Rump sent out another provoking tweet this time aimed at the Stupe.
“We had another great News Conference at Rump Tower today. A
couple of FAKE NEWS organizations were there but people truly
get what’s going on”. During the press conference, the President
repeatedly called out the Stupe
for “false reporting” and having a “witch hunt” to bring down his administration. When challenged by a Stupe reporter to back his claims,
the
president
ignored
the reporter and only to come
back later with more accusations against the paper. This adds the
Stupe to the long list of media or-
ganizations that have been called out by the President. The only two
remaining on the list are Foxxx
News and The Stute. The President has repeatedly praised the two organizations for their “fair
and accurate coverage” of the ac-
factual and informative news.”
Even prior to his election, Rump
that the president was referencing,
tions taken by his administration.
has been targeting the media for their
reporting.
The
situation
peaked when Rump called Bizzfeed a “failing pile of garbage” and told
a NNC reporter that “you are fake news.” The media took hold of this
moment to target the then President-Elect and claim that he was
silencing news organizations. The President has been fighting with the media about what is and isn’t
fake news since he was elected. Most recently he tweeted out “If
the people of our great country
could only see how viciously and
inaccurately my administration is covered by certain media!” This
was likely his way to double down
on the comments he made during the press conference.
Editor-in-Chief of the Stupe, Tarik Kdiry, denounced this claims of
fake news as soon as the story
broke. “Here at the Stupe, we are dedicated to bringing our readers
When questioned about the stories the editor was referencing, he had
to be run due to the rival media organizations closing in on his position.
When asked if he agreed with
the President’s comments, White House Press Secretary Juan Licer
told the Stupe to go stand in the hallway with all of the other fake
news organizations that would not be allowed into his office for the press briefing. The Stupe will
now have to rely on all report-
ing from The Stute to continue to write about the Rump administra-
tion. Prior to slamming the door shut Licer added, “The articles going out about this administration
from the Stupe are simply not true, and must be stopped.” It is likely that the administration is upset
over the articles with anonymous sources claiming that the President
is not actually a US citizen, but an alien from an unknown planet.
INSIDE THIS ISSUE: Paper
Roving Reporter
Sample text
Do you want to answer a
lorem ipsum dolor
Polling Pierce
question for the Stue?
that’s what she said
Do you read the Stute?
EVERY
BODY
Front page continued
KNEEEES AND TOOWS
developing.
HEEEEADS SHOULDERS
Football?
KNEEEES AND TOWS
READS
Local ball gets thrown, story
THE
STUTE