Issuu

The student newspaper of Snevets Institute of Technology, and birther of Attila the Duck.

why are you looking here? the rest of the paper is the funny part

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VOLUME CXIX No. 20

HOBOKEN, NJ | APRIL 1, 2022

NEW STUTE EVERY FRIDAY • OLDER THAN YOUR MOM

Farvardin steps down, next-in-charge calls for immense change by christa ruiz, staf writre

“HOWE HAS TO GO:”

ethan kleschinsky and claire hannan for the stupe

ANTI-HOWE ACTIVISTS RISE UP by ethan kleschinsky, newbie Tensions are rising as Snevets proves it is able to design buildings that don’t look like vomit stains. Leaving people wondering; what happened with the Wesley J. Howe Center? Recently, protesters have been popping up at the Campus Center demanding its immediate removal. The protesters seem to have one simple goal, to push the building into the Hudson River allow-

ing it to float back to where it came from, (Hell I presume?). After speaking to a few protesters, I was told that the Howe Center was “the biggest eyesore on the east coast,” and “the worst thing that has happened to this country.” As protests continue, campus police begin to fear that people will take action toward what they’re calling “the big push.” Campus Chief of Police Gerald H. Howe, the self-proclaimed grandson of Wesley J. Howe (no real evidence),

“University Mysterious Towers” petting zoo updates appears on campus by tasha khosla, the specialist

by sanjana madhu, boss woman

As if the current housing system wasn’t perfect enough, Snevets has announced a few updates regarding the “University Towers.” Due to arbitrary, unjustified uproar over this semester’s housing registration process, Snevets has decided to reset current housing assignments and add every applicant to an extensive waitlist. As are most deadlines at Snevets, the deadline for the waitlist decisions is unclear and subject to change at any given moment. However, local experts project August 17, 2057, at 7 a.m.. Once applicants are accepted from the waitlist, they will access the Snevets Dining and Housing portal where they are required by law to choose the largest meal plan and renounce their GrubbsHub dollars, as an effort from Snevets to promote on-campus dining. After all, nothing compares to Pierce food. Unfortunately, if you are a “Pinnacle Scholar,” you will not be receiving housing. Like the tower’s al-

On Thursday, March 30, Snevets’ campus featured a random petting zoo between 2 p.m. to 5 p.m., inviting STEM students to take a break from their difficult workload. For business students, attending the petting zoo was a graduation requirement, so please see your advisor if you failed to attend. The petting zoo featured animals of all kinds: lambs, sheep, donkeys, alpacas, cows, bunnies, ducks, and chickens, to name a few. Students were able to pet the animals, feed them, take selfies with them, and also just stand and gawk in awe. But the burning question on everyone’s minds is why: Why was this petting zoo on campus? Who organized this petting zoo? Why was the petting zoo not advertised beforehand? Reporters at The Stupe were determined to find out. The Stupe reached out to three suspects: President Narfarvar, Attila the Duck, and Pearl from Pierce. After

SEE TOWERS PAGE 2

SEE ZOO PAGE 2

NEWS (2-3)

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has been vocal with his opinion on the protests. “I respect the first amendment, but the rioters have no right to be doing what they’re doing,” Howe told reporters. Following the Police Chief’s anti-protest statements, rumors have begun to appear that he requested assistance from the United States National Guard, potentially wanting to enact martial law on campus until the protesters can be prosecuted. With no statements from Snevets regarding

CAMPUS PULSE (10)

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SEE HOWE PAGE 2

Snevets announces new elite 8-year undergrad degree program by nicole giardino, staf writre Snevets has officially announced its new elite 8-year undergraduate degree program! Effective immediately, excelling students will be selected to extend their undergraduate degrees by four years. This new program requires these lucky, chosen students to attend Snevets for an eight-year minimum. Upon completion of their 8-year studies at Snevets, students will be awarded their bachelor’s degrees. After completing their typical freshman through senior year at Snevets, students will be required to start year 5 as “5/8” students, which are also known as “Freshman II” students. They will go on to have their 6/8 Sophomore II year, 7/8 Junior II year, and finally 8/8 Senior II year. Students must live on campus for the additional 4 years so that they feel fully immersed with the Snevets community. The new Towers were designed specifically to hold all students on this 8-year plan. Every student on this plan will be located in the North

’T N O

OPINION (7-9)

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the soon-to-be terrorists, the entire campus has been wondering where President Narfarvar is. After hours of questioning different offices regarding the location of the President, he seems to be off “somewhere re-budgeting campus spending to make Pinnacle Scholars’ time more enjoyable.” Some think that Favardin’s time management is irresponsible and has the potential to lead to a major campus disaster. Howev-

Tower, as it holds more students than the South Tower. Further, to make room for this new program, administration has decided that all computer science majors will be transferred to NJIT. Now, many students may ask why they would have to extend their undergraduate degrees by an additional four full years. These four exciting years will be used to teach each major here at Snevets valuable lessons that they can use in their everyday lives at Snevets and also in their future careers. Every STEM student will now be required to take a minimum of eight outdoor Physical Education classes from their freshman II to senior II (5/8 to 8/8) years since STEM majors never go outside. With these students having very challenging course loads that cause them to spend all day in their dorms through their first four years, the next four years will re-teach them to go outside and get fresh air. It is important for these students to unlearn what is comfortable to them (the indoors) and

SEE DEGREE PAGE 2

In a sudden turn of events, President Narfarvar has decided to step down from his position as the President of Snevets. Though nobody knows the exact reason, there is a multitude of speculations as to why this may have occurred. Some say that he wants to transition to a full-time job caring for his 17-year-old dog Margarita, others say that he struck it rich on stocks (due to insider trading), and others believe that after strenuous decades in higher education, especially at Snevets, he needed a break. It is safe to say we will all miss our beloved president, who made countless positive changes to our school. With this matter at hand, the question posed to the Snevets’ community is who is next in charge. It appears that Narfarvar has full decision-making power in this appointment, as he has hired his executive assistant to take on the role. Phyllis Ruiz is the Executive Assistant to the President here at Snevets, and she also happens to be my mom :). She initially didn’t love the idea of me writing this about her, so I’ll do her well and write about her in a positive light. When Ruiz was informed about

her prestigious promotion, she immediately knew she was extremely unqualified. However, Narfarvar assured her that so are all of the professors on campus. He informed Ruiz that he lost a bet that resulted in making her term end whenever Brady retires, which he may not know means she will likely be president for the next 10 years. In an interview with The Stupe, Ruiz discussed what her plans include for the coming years. For instance, Ruiz attended a liberal arts college, and she believes that transitioning Snevets into one would be beneficial solely because “I went to one.” This is her first order of business with no further comments. In recent conversations between myself and Ruiz, I told her how many of my friends and I have struggled with particularly difficult STEM courses. Therefore, she has decided to remove all STEM courses as a requirement to graduate in correlation with the transition to a liberal arts college. As a reminder, counseling is available on campus for those who have already taken any particularly traumatic course, and full refunds for courses will be issued to students.

SEE PRES PAGE 2

“This paper ain’t big enough for the both of us” EIC eliminated in brawl for power by keenan yates, [barely] managing editor I am writing this from an undisclosed location in fear of my safety. The following events that I am about to disclose Really and Actually Happened, and you can trust me because this is the Internet and Everything Is Real (except for birds, but we’ll cover that another time). On Thursday, February 31 a brawl broke out between former Editor-in-Chief Nadalee Toad-Arrow and current Editor-in-Chief, Saneja-

graphic courtesy of isabella ziv

na Mad-at-u. Initially, the meeting began as a conversation about when The St*te would move offices to the University Towers. However, it quickly became evident that there was no agreement between the two parties; the former had no idea and the latter also had no idea either as to when this fabled and alltoo-frequent office moving event would take place since no one had heard from The Administrative Powers That Be in a hot minute. Toad-Arrow commented “It’s the lack of communication for me” which Mad-

SEE EIC PAGE 2

Friday, April 1

News Masthead Volume CXIX No. 20 EXECUTIVE BOARD

boss woman.................................sanjana madhu ‘23 bus man, the negotiator................jordyn ramelli ‘23 [barely] managing editor................keenan yates ‘24 layout wizard.....................................isabella ziv ‘24 the only humanities major............katie bloomer ‘25 internet explorer...........................bemin shaker ‘23 excel-errator........................zane thummmborst ‘23

EDITORIAL BOARD inside scoop............................stephanie searing ‘24 the specialist..................................tasha khosla ‘25 mad scientist.............................rayna indelicato ‘22 someone with opinions..............roshni revankar ‘22 human spell check.....................gianna callegari ‘24

OPERATIONS BOARD paparazzi..................................caroline montana‘24 influencer...................................vanessa huerta ‘23

STAFF & CONTRIBUTORS Names aleksandar dimoski ben knobloch christa ruiz christopher solan claire hannan emma tong erin mcGee ethan kleschinsky julia dwight

julia wierzbicki kayden cannoli matthew brantl nicole giardino oz aguinaga pooja rajadurai quentin jimenez rafael lee li

CORRECTIONS

We don’t make mistakes. Email us at eboard@thestute.com to tell us we’re doing a good job :)

DISCLAIMER

All opinions and editorials reflect the views of their respective author(s). No Part of The St*te may be reproduced in any form, in whole or in part, without the written consent of the Boss Woman. Cited references of The St*te are permitted.

POLICY ON LETTERS TO THE BOSS WOMAN Do not submit things to us. We don’t care! The guy who did care went on vacation, and the guy that accepts mail went with him. So please take your submissions, print them, neatly place them in an envelope, and then deliver them to the water sprite in the Hudson. She’s the travel agent who arranged for the vacation for the guy who cares.

POLICY ON OP-EDS If you want to have an opinion, join The St*te.

ACTUAL LIST ON thestute.com/policies

FINDING DORY CLAIRE HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PERSON??

HOWE

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 er, several offices on campus insist that they have the situation under control, regardless of the steps the President is taking to solve the issue. Campus employees stationed in the Howe Center are wondering what they can do to help keep the protesters from acting irrationally. Dining Hall employees are attempting to bribe the protest-

PRES

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 On the subject of Gray and Red Cafe being removed as an eatery on campus, Ruiz is aware of the consensus that this is arguably the best cafe at Snevets, and she has decided that Red and Gray is here to stay. In

EIC

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 at-u misinterpreted as a dig, and quickly responded with “It is the use of a contraction for me!” And both parties immediately got all up in each others’ business. As mature newspaper people, they decided to settle it at the octagon the following day and both left the office in a hurry to hit up the Narp Gym in order to maximize their gains. One frat brother, who happened to be taking pictures of his biceps in the mirror at that time, commented that Toad-Arrow’s deadlift “would put James Johnson’s deadlift to shame” because “bro, I mean, I’ve never seen James Johnson lift but, like, I just feel like if he was gonna deadlift he’d be fiiiiiire at it.” Mad-at-u, on the

DEGREE

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 finally walk outside again. All non-STEM students (business, music, art, etc.) must now take at least eight sciences through their 5/8 to 8/8 years, and additional engineering design classes. These classes are required so non-STEM students are no longer eligible to complain about how difficult their majors are. These science courses will teach them to have empathy for

TOWERS

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 leged triples, “Pinnacles” simply do not exist and were only listed on the Snevets website to destroy friendships and fracture roommate relationships. Any “Pinnacles” in protest will be dorming in the basement of Gateway South. And yes, the basement may be haunted but it’s probably better than dealing with the AXE Body Spray stench permeating Humps Hall’s floors. In keeping with the memory of Crusty Point Hall (CPH), the oldest residence hall, Snevets announced that there will be no elevators in the new residence halls. As a recipient of the Healthy Campus Award, Snevets is committed to

ZOO

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 a rumored fight between Narfarvar, Atilla, Pearl, The Stupe believed that one of these suspects might have put the petting zoo on campus to distract from the bad press. President Narfarvar was seen in passing and when asked about the zoo, replied, “I don’t recall seeing this in the school budget. Whoever did this better not have taken it out of my salary!” Next, The Stupe reached out to Atilla, feeling that his animal roots may link him to the petting zoo. Attila, however, busy petting the ducks (weird), responded, “If I organized this, it would have

ers with free snack swipes. The Snevets bookstore has offered 10% off the price of textbooks in order to try to sway protesters to opt to study rather than following through with their initial plans. While employees of the Howe Center are doing the best they can to buy themselves more time, the protesters do not seem to be taking their bait. With the anti-Howe activists growing more impatient as time continues, no one is able to tell where their demonstrations may lead. Some students believe that

the campus is taking the protesters too seriously and that it is a waste of campus resources to deal with unharmful demonstrations that show no real threat. Although, others believe that the Campus Police and President are not taking the threats seriously enough and that their lack of action will lead to detrimental consequences for the future of Snevets. With campus split down the middle, and as protests progress, stay tuned to The Stupe for updates regarding the situation and potential impending prosecutions.

terms of the classrooms that would have been built there, she will relocate them into room 404 of Castle Point Hall (Sorry guys!). Further, on the subject of eating, Ruiz is dedicated to providing students with better quality food and will provide delicious homecooked meals on a daily basis to every single student. However, if she starts to ask me for help with cooking, I advise you not to eat

the food. Finally, Ruiz is well aware of the immense amount of tuition that our hard-working students have to pay, and she has decided that 75% of her salary will go towards giving back to student tuition. So generous! All-in-all, Ruiz is extremely nervous to take on this role, but Snevets has nothing to lose. Congratulations and good luck!!

other hand, was bench-pressing four plates total like it was nothing. “I just like don’t know how I should like feel about this,” one particular biztech, who was found crying and curled up in a ball by the door, commented. “I’ve been working on my compounds for the last sixteen business months and even I can’t do that.” Needless to say, this debacle continued for the next seven hours until the guy working the door woke up and told everyone it was time to leave as he had maxed out on his hours on Workday for the week. The following day, Toad-Arrow and Mad-at-u finally faced off in the makeshift octagon made out of the leftover pizzas from Pierce, held together by D2 robot scraps. When the referee, Kenneth Nielsen, Dean of Students, rang the bell,

Toad-Arrow went after Madat-u at a dead sprint, completely ignoring the rules set forth by The Geneva Convention (she took no prisoners). Unfortunately for Mad-at-u, only one editor walked out of the ring. Upon hearing a rumor that I would someday venture to run for Editor-in-Chief, Toad-Arrow immediately collected the remaining pizza slices from the ring and used them to bribe grad students to track me down. I am on the run for my life and tell this tale as a warning for potential Editors-inChief-to-be. Please note that if this has made it to print then I am safely aboard the S.S. Snevets, sailing away to a secondary undisclosed location that is both the name of a water bottle brand and tropical destination in Oceania. Chips Ahoy!

their many science and technology majoring peers. This valuable experience will present lessons in understanding and compassion for others, while also giving them a first-hand experience of being a technology/science/engineering major (as they are studying at an institute of technology focused on innovation). All students in this program will also have classes in finances, taxes, stocks, cooking, cleaning, and parenting, as even though most of these classes are offered and taught in high school, many

students forget how to do all of these useful tasks by the end of their college years. These classes will prove beneficial to all 8-year undergraduate students, so they do not crash upon graduation. All eight years of this program will help students to enter society as functional, compassionate adults after graduating with their 8-year long Bachelor’s degree. Any refusal to comply with this new program is a direct violation of the Stevens Honor Code, and students could be subject to expulsion.

the health and well-being of its students. All residents of the towers will be expected to climb up the 18 flights of stairs. Sure, this makes the Towers rather inaccessible, and move-in will be a challenge, but Snevets has decided the student body ”needs to be getting gains” and the gyms just aren’t cutting it. Besides, 18 flights can’t compare to the walk from CPH to literally any academic building on campus. Moreover, Snevets administration is appalled by the lack of mice, spiders, and roaches in the towers, as the institution aims to be inclusive for all and promote diversity, including biodiversity. To combat this deficit, the mice from Jonas Brothers Hall and Dave’s Hall will be introduced to the towers at random times throughout the upcoming fall semester. One student

who wishes to remain anonymous shared, “I just feel like it’s unfair. We pay so much for housing but the mice get to live here rent free.” This anonymous student has been mysteriously removed from campus, whatever that means. Snevets’ administration has declined to comment further. As these new updates have shown, living in the towers will definitely be an experience. Rising sophomores will have the opportunity to live in these beautiful (well, we haven’t been allowed in yet so we’re just taking a guess) towers, assuming construction is completely finished by this fall. This is no doubt an exciting opportunity for incoming residents. If for some reason, anyone has issues with these amazing new policies, the administration encourages “tak[ing] it up with Attila mano a mano.”

my name all over it.” Based on the shameless duck branding seen all over Snevets and the lack thereof with the petting zoo, it’s clear that the petting zoo was not his doing. In a final attempt of unmasking the petting zoo creator, The Stupe reached out to Pearl from Pierce. Pearl was clueless about the petting zoo; “What petting zoo? I never saw it.” Her quick dismissal of the topic was indeed suspicious, but knowing how much the Snevets students respect Pearl, we would never challenge her word. In the end, it’s unclear why this petting zoo appeared on campus. The reporters of The Stupe are retiring the case and handing it off to The St*te in hopes that their reporters will be able to find more information.

isabella ziv for the stupe

Friday, April 1

News

CAMPUS IMPROVEMENTS IN REVERSAL, Stevens downgrades SNEVETS TO to 1G Wi-Fi for no reason at all by jordyn ramelli, INSTALL ASBESTOS bus man, the negotiator IN MORE ROOMS

by benjamin knobloch, staf writre Although Snevets previously announced that it would be removing asbestos in the space previously occupied by Kernel Jan’s, it seems that the administration has had a change of heart. Late Sunday night, in a campus-wide mass mail, apparently composed in a rush and riddled with typos and run-on sentences, the University announced that it would be halting the asbestos removal process and would, in fact, be taking the next few months to install asbestos in all Snevets classrooms. “It turns out that this stuff is just really good insulation material,” the email read. “When these buildings were built last century, they stuck the asbestos in just because it was fluffy and looked like cotton candy. But now we know that it retains heat and fights the spread of fire! Right now our priority is to put as much of this stuff in as many walls and ceilings across campus as possible.” (Excerpt heavily edited for spelling, grammar, and clarity.) The administration also announced that a Snevets research team is in the midst of developing a variant of asbestos that is an even more effective insulator and even more cancerous, called “As-BEST-os It Gets!!” “But that won’t be used until we burn through the 12 tons of conventional asbestos we’re having shipped from the mines in Kazakhstan,” President Narfarvar cautioned at a press conference held to clarify the extensive ambiguity and confusing statements

of the original press release. “Just thinking about how much better this is going to make our campus is choking me up. All Snevets faculty and students can take a deep, deep sigh of relief now that this massive insulation upgrade is being implemented. Even articulating all the benefits is making me lose my breath. It is truly wonderful to thoroughly absorb all the exciting changes being made at this period in time; to feel the innovation simply flow through my body.” Addressing safety concerns, Narfarvar assured the community that all structures containing asbestos would be tightly sealed, preventing the spread of the material’s microscope fibers, which are known to cause diseases like mesothelioma and lung cancer. The press conference was cut short after a mouse gripping a large chunk of asbestos in its mouth skittered across the table. In a second email sent in response to the incident, Snevets announced that it was continuing the asbestos installation, but for safety reasons recommended refraining from breathing while indoors for the foreseeable future. “Everything is under control,” Narfarvar wheezed to a reporter in passing. Also announced in the email was that the opening of the University Center Towers will also be delayed another two years to quadruple the amount of asbestos in the new dorms. At press time, the University announced that despite the change in plans with regard to asbestos, Kernel Jan’s will remain closed forever.

Extra, extra read all about it! After many successful years of utilizing 10G WiFi, Snevets has made the executive decision to decrease their WiFi capacity to 1G. After not-so careful consideration, Snevets has decided to further inconvenience their students by making it virtually impossible to access the internet during class and around campus. When asked for a statement on the issue Snevets stated, “We have the money for 10G, that’s never an issue here. We just felt like making the students and faculty work a little harder and struggle, you know? It was getting a little boring on campus.” A shocking realization was discovered by Pearl: President Narfarvar’s house and Dean Nilsen’s office are still receiving 10G WiFi. When the word got out, students and faculty all huddled on President Narfarvar’s lawn trying to use their electronic devices. Students stayed on the lawn all night and day, only leaving to eat. Some students even brought beach chairs so they could tan while working. In addition, students quickly realized that in the Samuel C. Library WiFi capacity is a shocking 0.01G. A business student stated, “I never go to the library, so it doesn’t matter to me. Do the frats still have 10G?” When surveying the student body and faculty, The Stupe received a number of responses. One student explained, “I haven’t been able to complete a single assignment all semester. Kinda good not gonna lie. This isn’t much different than any other semester.” Another student stated, “I was forced to purchase a personal hotspot. Why

meme courtesy of julia wierzbicki

does Snevets keep taking all my money? I’m gonna need to sell a kidney to afford this school.” The faculty stated, “It typically takes us months to grade exams and papers, so students should expect feedback from us within the next year or so. We will reach out through paper mail since e-mail takes too long now.” In an effort to fix the issue, students have designed their very own WiFi system titled “DIY-WiFi.” It runs purely on human power, so someone is running on a human-sized hamster wheel 24 hours a day. Sources

meme courtesy of roshni revankar

say that everyone will be required to run on the wheel at least two times a week. Similar to randomized COVID-19 testing, students will be notified via email. You must attend the session you are assigned to. So far, the success rate has been high. Students reported that they can finally access the internet within 20 minutes, which is a huge improvement— with 1G, it takes students 45 minutes. Snevets has no intent on switching back to 10G WiFi, so we suggest you get used to waiting or running on a hamster wheel.

Friday, April 1

Pinnacle Scholars

THE END OF THE PINNACLE REIGN... Anonymous hackers leak Pinnacle Scholar qualifications

by quentin jimenez, staf writre After just recovering from a massive ransomware attack in August 2019, Snevets’ IT department has just taken another critical blow, sending the administration into a frenzy and further devaluing a Snevets Cybersecurity Degree. Last Wednesday, hackers were able to gain access to top-secret documents found through the Snevets website. An anonymous group of hackers known only as “4chan” have claimed responsibility for the attack, and they described their process as a “brute force manin-the-middle phishing attack” where they “exploited the website’s encrypted firewall” and “accessed cloud metadata through a virtual private network token vulnerability.” From here, they were able to download all of Snevets’ private data (totaling over 400 megabytes!), including some confidential documents. These documents were released on the dark web and detail private communications between staff, including Narfarvar’s skincare routine, Giantforehead’s slightly below average package, and most importantly, how Snevet’s chooses their Pinnacle Scholars. According to these leaked documents, there are five qualities Snevets looks for in its applicants when choosing who should be a Pinnacle Scholar. The first is money, Snevets will make their richest applicants Pinnacles, in

hopes that they will accept and pay full tuition fees. Accepting wealthier students also skyrockets Snevet’s Long Term Investment rating, since wealthier students are more likely to remain affluent. The second quality they look for is rhythmic, if your name rhymes with any fruit or vegetable, you are guaranteed to become a Pinnacle. In their documents, Snevet’s research claims that students with names that rhyme with food are more likely to eat that food, and by accepting more of these students, they can serve worse food at the dining hall. In 2019, 20% of Pinnacle’s last names rhymed with “tofu,” which explains the dramatic increase in unpalatable Pierce meals. The third thing Snevets looks for in Pinnacles is as they call it “one’s connection with the duck state of mind.” To find this, Snevets searches every applicant’s social media and counts the number of times a post is made relating to ducks. The more duck-related posts, the more likely you are to be a Pinnacle. This is multiplied if the posts are in reference to Snevets Ducks, but you are completely disqualified if you post a picture of Attila the Duck. No reasoning is given for this decision. The fourth qualification for being a Pinnacle is a little hard to explain and involves the yearly Snevet’s administration holiday party. Every year, the staff

holds a musical chairs tournament (to the sound of the duck dance) and assigns each participant an applicant. Then, through a Hunger-Games-style battle royale, applicants are slowly eliminated as their corresponding staff member is. Snevets explains that this process allows them to slim down the application pool significantly, allowing them to “put less thought into the process” and “make it as fair and unbalanced as possible.” According to documents, Chris Shemanski is undefeated in musical chairs and has won the tournament for the past eight years. The final qualification is left up to the president himself, and he has chosen a different process for disqualification every year. For example, in 2017, he assigned each car parked in the 8th Street Lot an applicant, and whichever car was not ticketed became a Pinnacle Scholar (everyone was ticketed, even the pass holders). Last year, Narfarvar decided the best way to choose the finalists was to “make a Mii for every applicant and have them face off in Wii boxing.” All in all, it seems like Snevets has got it together on picking their Pinnacle Scholars. Although the hackers claim that Narfarvar has been “exposed” and “ratioed,” at least students now have comfort in knowing that their University Pinnacle Scholar Program has a rational, merit-based, and unbiased decision process.

isabella ziv for the stupe

Announcement: New Study shows non-Pinnacle exclusive Duck Hunt! Scholars have higher IQs by isabella ziv, layout wizard The Stupe would like to formally announce this year’s annual Duck Hunt. The event will take place for one day only this April 1, when students will have the opportunity to search for hidden ducks across campus. Lucky winners should bring their ducks to the Student Center to exchange them for exciting prizes including, but not limited to, free Snevets merch, a brand new car, an all-expense paid trip to the Bahamas, a private slumber party in Farvardin’s house, and exclusive early access to the University Towers. For the lucky winner that finds the golden duck, the grand prize will be rewarded in the form of a full refund of their tuition. It is important to note that these prizes will only be available to Pinnacle Scholars. Last year, a group of hopeful non-Pin-

nacle Students, who hadn’t read the obviously stated fine print, attempted to turn in their ducks at the Student Center. Unfortunately, we were forced to turn them away and fine them $25 due to their second-class status on campus and for attempting to take away opportunities from our beloved Pinnacle Scholars. This event is part of a larger effort to expand the budget spent on Pinnacle Scholars from 85% of campus-wide spending to 90%. Critics have stated that funds should be allocated towards more “important” efforts, like establishing functional WiFi or upgrading residential buildings, but Pinnacle Students agree with the current policy and their opinion just matters more. So, good luck to everyone participating; except Pinnacle Scholars. They don’t need luck, as a list of exact campus locations with hidden ducks has already been emailed to them.

isabella ziv for the stupe

by erin mcGee, staf writre In a recent study by Snevets, researchers found that non-Pinnacle Scholars have, on average, higher IQs than their Scholar counterparts. The Pinnacle Scholar Program is a part of the Special Programs at Snevets, of which “selected” students are a part. The qualifications for the program have been shrouded at best, which is what originally inspired such a study. The study included approximately 100 students, 50 of whom were Pinnacles and 50 who were non-Pinnacles. Each of the groups was put through a series of IQ tests, with the results averaged for each of the two groups. The selection included a wide range of students from several different majors, across different years of their studies.

“I suspect the Pinnacle sample group included far too many business majors,” said one unnamed Pinnacle. “It really is the only logical explanation.” Questions have been brought up about the IQ tests themselves, and exactly what they entailed. Rumors have speculated that the participants were asked to navigate Workday Student as a measure of intelligence. Still, other sources say that the study required the students to explain the Snevets math course order. “Originally, we wanted to measure IQ simply by seeing the percentage of each group that could pass a differential equations test,” commented one of the study’s researchers. “Unfortunately, this original study design was thrown out after all 100 students failed, and no data concerning intelligence could be obtained.”

In the end, the IQs were tested by giving each participant a map of Snevets, and asking them to point to where the North Building is located. “I still haven’t found it,” said one study participant, who wished to remain anonymous. “I didn’t even know there was a North Building.” Snevets Office of Special Programs was reached out to for comment, but The Stupe was only able to ascertain something about “sample size” and “poor experimental design” before the topic was changed. Snevets students and faculty have questioned what this might mean for the future of the Pinnacle Scholars program. Suggestions have been made for a follow up study, however much of the research budget has been given to Pinnacles already, so the administration decided against it.

jordyn ramelli for the stupe

Friday, April 1

Greek Life Greek Life presents first ever Magic Mike Olympics by oz aguinaga, newbie This past week, in an unprecedented move, Svenets’ fraternities hosted their first ever community service event — the Magic Mike Olympics. The Interfraternity Council (IFC) and Undergraduate Student Life found out all the fraternities were lying about their community service hours. Rather than kick the frats off campus, they compromised on a week-long event, where all donation proceeds would go to “Brothers Need Beer,” a charity that finds the most privileged men and gives them a beer to cope with how unfairly they’re treated in the United States. The Magic Mike Olympics was comprised of both individual and team events. It was an opportunity for each fraternity to showcase their best boozehounds, fiends, and chauvinists. The fraternity that raised the most money would be crowned the “Sexiest Chads” on campus.

There are mixed feelings about the event, one brother, Nick Dooshiback, from Delta Omicron said, “I mean, like yeah, it sucks balls we gotta do this, but I get to drink and it’s going to a good cause I guess.” The first event was a classic chug-off where each frat sent their best brothers to out drink one another. All fraternities attended except Phi Omega Chi, who were all too busy consuming low-priced ganja. Fee Fi Foo’s representative opened a beer and passed out. In a not surprising turn of events, the remaining contestants had to stop after three beers. The only contestant barely conscious was Alpha Nu’s very own Miles Philion. He can certainly hang. Another event was Stoner Basketball, a self-explanatory bracket style tournament where teams of five competed. The Cottage did not have enough active members to form a team so were automatically disqualified. Kappa Theta brothers were complaining that the net was too high for

them. A furious pantsing broke out between the contestants forcing the referee, Kenneth Nielson, Dean of Students, to call foul and end the tournament before things got too steamy. The final event was Pole Dance Off. Each contestant was surprisingly good, as they were seen practicing day and night before the event. There was no conclusive winner for this event, it was an all the way tie. The Magic Mike Olympics raised an astonishing $69,420. The Honor Board Frat was crowned the “Sexiest Chads” on campus. These delinquents are certainly worthy of the title. Kevin Grunder, Assistant Director of Fraternity & Sorority Life said this about the event, “I am beyond proud of these brothers, it just goes to show that if you combine all the brain cells of these men then they can accomplish some amazing things.” Many hope that with the success of the event it will be made an annual tradition.

Honor Board becomes a Fraternity by aleksandar dimoski, onion writer Due to a bug in the newly integrated Workday system, the Honor Board is now listed within Snevets’ system as being a Fraternity. This has had several unfortunate repercussions on the organization, including the loss of all female members and the hazing of new members. After speaking with several members of the Honor Board, including Brothers on the Executive Council as well as Pledges, it is clear that the culture within the Board has taken a turn for the worse. “After we heard that we were a Fraternity, we asked ourselves, what are we supposed to do now?” says Honor Board Presidential Chair, Nick Browser. “I knew we needed to make some

big changes. I was on my weekly phone call with Dean Nilsen to plead with him to let us give stricter punishments, and that was when he informed me of the change. As soon as I got off that fateful phone call, I immediately removed all new members from our Slack and had our Treasurer buy 13 gallons of beer. Since we started so late in the semester, we needed to drink enough to make sure we would reach our beer-drinking quota. The entire Executive Board was drunk within minutes.” Fortunately, it seems like the loss of female members did not affect typical functionality within the Eta Beta fraternity. When asked about how this change would affect the Board, one narc who wishes to remain anonymous stated, “Girls? Where? I didn’t

think we had a mixer planned for today.” The change also resulted in a distinct change in the Eta Beta new member process. New members were previously taught by the Vice Chair, but in the new system, Pledges are educated by liquor. “We were brought into a dark room in Babbio, and were each given a handle of vodka,” claimed one of their Pledges. “‘Drink this,’ they said, ‘We won’t let you out until you’re finished.’ Once we were about halfway finished, they returned with a stack of old homework assignments and said to ‘Find the one homework assignment out of these 300 that was plagiarized, and write a case study on why.’ We weren’t sure what plagiarism was, so we just Googled it and copied whatever was on there.”

Boozed up and having found the correct assignment, the pledges were then initiated in the traditional Eta Beta fashion. “We were in Babbio 420 when the Executive Council suspended normal meeting procedure. We were forced to submit Eta Beta violations on each member of our Pledge class and recite the Penalty Matrix from memory. Then they dumped around 2 tons of sand onto the floor and had us kneel and kiss the ground, and whisper ‘I promise to ceaselessly devote myself to the Eta Beta constitution, and to always rat on all my friends.’ Then they had us carry all the sand all over Hoboken and dump it in the Hudson.” Unsurprisingly, the Eta Beta pledge process involves heavy quizzing. “They kept giving us these really difficult exams

on things like ‘ethics’ and ‘values,’” claims another anonymous pledge, “but they left us alone while we took it, and all the answers were on Chegg, so we all passed. Eta Beta rules!” Overall, Eta Beta plans to continue to serve the same function that it has in the past, with some slight changes. Browser requested that The Stupe share the new Eta System Pledge, which all students will be required to write on all their assignments going forward. The new pledge is as follows: “I drunkenly pledge on my booze that I have totally abided by the Snevets Eta System.” Students are advised to begin using this pledge instead as soon as possible, and several emails detailing this and other minor changes will be sent out to the entire student body soon.

meme courtesy of christopher solan

ARE YOU AN RSO? Advertise events in The Stupe for a small fee of $72k pay jordyn’s tuition <3 we accept the following forms of payment: dollar bills disney+ subscriptions meal swipes meme courtesy of julia wierzbicki

Friday, April 1

Attila the Duck An investigation of Attila and campus-wide duck propaganda by claire hannan, newbie Snevets is an anti-bird establishment and it has to change. We’ve all seen The Birds, chasing people on Palmer Lawn and flying into windows. You might have thought to yourself, ‘god these birds are annoying!’ But my stance is that we humans are the nuisance, not our feathered colleagues. Let me start my case with the most obvious guests, the geese of Palmer lawn. While clearly opinionated, they have an understandable side to this debate that deserves to be heard. They are, as I mentioned, guests on our campus, whom we should be honored to host. These airborne migrants have flown thousands of miles (probably) to alight on our fields. They give us the opportunity to take part in their stories in exchange for one simple thing, respect, and yet even this we fall short of. Instead of showing hospitality, we chase, shout at, and harass the geese of Palmer Lawn. Some goose haters might argue that geese have bad attitudes and deserve this negative attention, however this is just another hateful stereotype pinned on geese by the anti-bird smear campaign. I will concur that these geese are strong-willed, but I find their confidence inspiring, not threatening. Geese achieve what we all aspire to but rarely achieve: to do as we intend and assert healthy boundaries. But us students with our fragile identities and threatened worldviews see the silent power of geese and must tear it down out of repressed jealousy. And yes, geese do hold their ground but get over it. Even if that ground is the middle of the pathway separating you from your dorm. You’re not upset at the inconvenience, you’re just upset that you didn’t think to claim that sidewalk first. Conjecture aside, I myself witnessed a feathered hate crime that took place just last fall. It was a beautiful sunny day. People were outside, cohabitating with geese as we should, when one student decided that they had had enough and began, in an unprovoked manner, harassing an unassuming goose. The student held their hand out expecting the goose to want to be pet like some common domesticated animal. The goose, rightfully offended, moved away and tried to continue on with its day, but the person refused to quit, continuously moving closer with the same offensive out-stretched hand. The goose became more and more distressed, eventually being forced to flee the scene, terrified for its safety. Of course, the event was reported to the proper authorities but was quickly dismissed due to the unfortunate fact that hate crimes against birds are yet to be recognized by our legal system here at Stevens. The next major group affected by the anti-bird movement are small birds. Avid readers of The St*te may recall this particular issue being discussed by a fellow bird activist in the article “Are birds hitting the skybridge of the

ATTILA’S HOME LEAKED (not clickbait)

Gateway Academic Complex?,” but I will recap for those unfamiliar. Small bird discrimination goes far beyond stigmas, it is quite literally built into the school itself. It is a well known fact that small birds have difficulty distinguishing windows from clear airspace. This has led many to advocate for pro-bird architecture, including matte finishes and large decals to create a safer world for our tiny aviators. Snevets, however, disregarded the needs of small birds in their building designs and installed large glass bridges like those seen in the Gateway Academic Complex, Kidde Hall, Morton Hall, and the new University Center Complex. These bridges are a clear intrusion (get it?) into otherwise safe airspace for these poor innocent birds. If you ask me, these bridges cannot be excused as a mistake made from a lack of knowledge on bird accessibility issues, this was an aggressive move to repress small birds and keep them out of campus spaces. It is particularly interesting that the most lethal of the campus bridges happen to be the two most recently constructed, Gateway and the towers. While, from personal observation, the rates of casualties for the bridges at Kidde and Morton are comparable to those occurring with any other vertical surface, the glass-encased bridges at Gateway and the towers have sent the small bird mortality rate through the roof. The switch to hostile bird architecture seemingly coincides with the switch from our previous mascot Rodo, the probird duck, to our current mascot Attila, the duck elitist. This brings me to my final point, that this problem goes all the way to the top, Attila himself. A self-proclaimed hater of all other birds. Our very own mascot, who is meant to give the school a bird-friendly appearance, is poisoning us with duck elitism. Ducks have been placed on a pedestal and sold to us as the only acceptable birds to enter our “inclusive campus environment.” In the springtime, you may notice families of ducks waddling around campus without fear of the harassment that geese face. This is because the duck propaganda is ingrained into our campus culture by our model, motivator, and icon, Attila the Duck. Attila has instilled the message that ducks are the perfectly engineered animal, with their ability to fly, swim, and walk. But what about the geese? Swans? Other waterfowl? And, come on, we’re seriously overselling the walking and flying abilities of ducks. We all know swimming is their only strong suit, respectfully. Let me be clear, I am not arguing for the oppression of ducks. Rather, I argue that we should respect all of our flying counterparts equally. We as a community need to stand up against our speciesist campus culture that enforces duck elitism and protect the needs of all our feathered friends, whether they want to claim Palmer Lawn as their own or fly into stationary objects. RODO CIRCA 1908

by kayden cannoli, staf writre Hoboken’s housing market is always jumping, so The Stupe is here to let you know the best places to look for housing next year. Everyone knows that Castle Point has one of the best views in Hoboken, which is why Snevets is renovating the inside of the cannon into a micro home. The cannon will be arranged either as a private single or a lofted double, depending on demand.

Steps away from the gourmet restaurant Pierce Cafe, you can wake up, get your coffee, and be literally blown away by the amazing view and high wind speeds. Reasonably priced at $8000 per semester, you won’t want to miss this opportunity. If being as close to your classes as possible is your main priority, you’ll love the Gateway South Basement. As one of the newest buildings on campus, it has a pristine and modern feel, like a Metaverse ad or a dentist’s office. With 2 private showers, 3 private bathrooms,

and no windows, this place is perfect for a CS major trying to improve their hygiene. If you’re in for a fixer-upper, have a love for true crime, and a high tolerance for magnesia, check out Sybil’s Cave. This Hoboken artifact was a popular attraction in the 19th century and still holds its charm. Less than 10 minutes from campus, interesting fusion paleo-gothic design, with water included*! Act fast though, Attila has got his beady eyes on this spot. *Management not responsible for magnesia poisoning.

meme courtesy of christopher solan

memes courtesy of jordyn ramelli

Attila the Duck and Dean Nilsen: the truth by tasha khosla, the specialist For decades, the true identity of Attila the Duck has been a matter of concern to the Snevets student body. After all, how can you trust someone whose height “varies?” Finally, after years of trial and error, The Stupe has finally solved the case. Attila the Duck is actually Dean Kenneth Nilsen. Have the two of them ever been seen in a room together? Here at The Stupe, we conducted extensive research and found no concrete proof to suggest that Dean Nilsen is not in fact Snevets’ beloved Attila the Duck. Besides, “Nilsen” contains the letters “i” and “l,” just like “Attila” does. I may not be a math major (if those even exist), but this all adds up. Now, many readers may be surprised by this revelation, but we have uncovered a far greater conspiracy. Attila’s reign at Snevets began in 1972 and since then, a secret society has been established to protect his identity. This society, which an anonymous source tells us is named Deceptive Undercov-

er Coalition Keeping Secrets (DUCKS), is the source of Attila’s anonymity. We have reason to believe that Dean Nilsen and many members of the Snevets community are affiliated with DUCKS. The sinister significance of the slogan “Go Ducks!” has come to light. Rather than simply promoting school spirit, this slogan is actually a rallying cry for members of DUCKS, who protect Attila’s identity at every major event. Now, the question remains, why does Attila the Duck keep their true identity hidden? Who are the DUCKS? Multiple theories have been presented. A possibility is that the elusive Pinnacle Scholars are inducted into the ranks of DUCKS, hence the secrecy around their program criteria. Other possible conspirators are the Honesty Board, Margarita the dog, Khoda, and NJIT students. Although Attila has every right to want privacy, their motivations are still uncertain. And, what could Dean Nilsen possibly gain from his secret life as Attila? Our sources

suggest that Attila’s celebrity status has its perks. After all, as a lover of “free bread,” something must be funding Attila’s celebrity lifestyle. Good bread doesn’t come for free, especially not at Snevets. That bookstore merch must really be paying the bills — DuckBills that is. Duck Days. The Founder’s Day Ball. Student meet-andgreets. All this time, Dean Nilsen has been there, as his alias Attila the Duck. As our research suggests, Dean Nilsen is not the first Attila poser, and certainly will not be the last. At this time, we are still unclear as to how DUCKS truly operates. When does the switch happen? Are there other masqueraders? How many Attilas are there? These questions still remain unanswered. The Stupe urges members of the Snevets community to come forward with any information pertaining to DUCKS’ practices. DUCKS is so elusive that Snevets has confidently offered to pay full tuition for any student who solves the mystery surrounding DUCKS.

Friday, April 1

Opinion the stute editorial

Per Stevens, ad Snevets Being Editor-in-Chief is not an easy task. There are a lot of people to appease, such as fellow Stupers, Attila, Pearl from Pierce, the general student body — and a lot of people to make fun of, such as Pinnacle Scholars and IT, or, more specifically, the hamster running the WiFi on campus. In order to fully take on the massive task that this is, I sent out a poll asking what new additions to campus students, faculty and staff, and Attilla would like to see. The poll is out and the answers are in, and here’s what’s crack-a-lackin on campus: Requests from the Stevens community: 1. From Stupers: an office on the roof of the University Towers, rather than on some lackluster floor within the shiny, brand new building itself. The new office would preferably be situated next to the rumored rooftop pool that currently only the Honor Board Frat has access to and has been trying unsuccessfully to keep on the down low. 2. From the student body: Palmer Lawn turned into a golf

course. Current suggestions for the course include starting at the statue, going through the third floor of the library (bonus points if you can name a single person there), and then following your ball at a similar velocity out of the third-floor window onto Palmer Lawn itself, where multiple statues of dinosaurs will be installed in order to pay homage to our administrators. 3. From Attila: A pond, location negotiable. In Attila’s words, “Isn’t it against OSHA protocols to have a duck as a mascot, but no pond? And no, the beach volleyball court, when it rains, does not count.” (Apparently, even Attila has it out for the geese.) 4. From Pearl from Pierce: for skateboarders to not try to bring their boards into Pierce. “For the hundredth time, leave it at the door. You’re not Tony Hawk. People aren’t going to not recognize you because you don’t have a board. Now go, run and get your choccy milk before it runs out.” 5. From Natalie, The Stupe’s previous Editor in between reps: “STUTE WEIGHT ROOM.

GRIND DON’T STOP.” Other suggestions from the high and mighty of Stevens society: 1. From Pinnacle Scholars: To have their own fraternity, because if the Honor Board can have it, why can’t they? From a source that wished to be anonymous, “We are of the same echelon of Stevens society as the Honor Board, and as such we kindly request to be treated similarly.” And from a second anonymous source, notably on their way to a Stevens-sponsored Billie Eilish concert with the former, “Actually, we are even above the Honor Board because we were chosen before they knew our personalities and based off our empirical level of success only.” (Which, as we now know, is not the case, but that information was not leaked at the time) “So yeah, that’s why Stevens rewards us with all sorts of exclusive events by treating us as of a higher class.” 2. From the hamster running Stevens WiFi: “It’s been 193 days and I’m still stuck on this wheel. They keep telling me that I’m the backbone of Ste-

mind of a freshman

I’m so glad I came to Snevets!

by aleksandar dimoski ‘22 During High School, I participated in several clubs, including Hockey, Robotics Club, and Intramural Lacrosse. It was a great time in my life, and it was so easy! Each one of my classes took a few minutes, and usually, I could do my homework in class. Coming to Snevets, I’m so glad to find that nothing has changed since High School. Despite being one of the best Institutions in the nation for STEM majors, it’s really easy and efficient to do work during class. Most of my professors are really boring, so I don’t listen to them during class. Instead, I’ll put Netflix on my laptop in picture-in-picture mode, so that nobody sitting behind me thinks that I’m lazy or not paying attention. The other half of my screen has an open Google doc where I write fanfiction about Attila the Duck. I’ve attached a Haiku that I wrote about our favorite duck below: It’s Attila the Duck, \ Massive fluffy swimming

duck man, \ This is the best school! The reason that I love Attila so much is because he’s representative of our collective School Spirit. Over the course of this past semester, I haven’t seen anything that has lowered my opinion of our wonderful school. First and foremost, I love the construction that pervades every corner of our campus. The fences that obstruct my view on River Street are my new favorite since they’re there to protect the new trees that haven’t been planted yet. I’m really quite sad that they’ll be finishing construction on the University Towers soon since it means that I won’t be able to see concrete and metal strewn about, or hear the wonderful sounds of jackhammers as the work progresses. Secondly, I love our administration. The completely logical decisions of the administration always fill me with pride. I have never witnessed a blunder on the part of any Snevets administrator. Although it was before my time, the best decision in recent memory was to put showers in the basement of Gateway South. I also really loved how they handled the situation with the Gianforte Family Academic Center; students kept bickering about the name, so the administration didn’t listen and took Gianforte’s money anyway. This way, everybody is happy!

Finally, I love the flowers that Snevets plants every year. For some reason, the flowers are planted approximately around the time that high schoolers are visiting campus and are soon removed after they leave. It’s so nice to see such attention to detail! I hope that all the students that visit will choose Snevets as their number one choice! I could go on for ages about all the things that I love about Snevets. I love how the Howe building was built wrong, making it a wind tunnel. I love how there never seems to be soap in any of the soap dispensers in Babbio or Burchard. I love how the administration constantly sends emails about incredibly irrelevant things to the entire student body. I love how Snevets manages to coerce students to stay for another year or two for co-op or a Master’s. I love how the meal plan is required for students who live in leased housing, and how the meal plan makes no sense whatsoever. But most of all, I love how President Narfarvar makes more in a month than I could hope to make in a year. I know for a fact that he deserves it! I’m sure that as I continue to spend time here, there won’t be anything that will change my opinion of the wonderful school that we all attend together. I’m looking forward to my next 5 years here!

vens Net but the IT interns have told me they’re still stuck connecting to the Guest WiFi. What am I doing here then? What is my point in life? What is life? Can I go back to my family now?” 3. From IT: “How do you know about the hamster??” 4. From Greek Life: A quote from the only non-nocturnal fraternity member. “Natty Lite Dispenser. Who make? Engineer. Who drink? BizTech. Who confused? CS.” But before he could elaborate further on the plans for this avant-garde model, the moon came out from behind the sun and he howled and ran away on all fours. 5. From the people who run Workday at Stevens: “More confusion about our platform, naturally. We’re weeding out the technologically inept, it is a tech school after all.” As your new Editor-in-Chief, I can’t promise that all of these will happen but what I can promise is that we’ll submit a work request, and, if it doesn’t get lost in the system, then maybe some of these improvements will happen.

keenan yates ‘24

boss woman

senioritis

From freshman to senior in 8 months

by katie bloomer ‘25 Hello fellow Snevets students and friends. I am writing as the most recent addition to the senior class of 2022. Due to my stellar performance in CAL 103, I was selected for a super secret test trial of a new academic program. Since most of these newspapers are left unread on the racks, I feel comfortable talking about this exclusive program to the small audience who might happen to stumble upon an ancient copy of The Stupe in a landfill or rolling across the land that was once Snevets campus, once it inevitably breaks down due to lack of building repairs. Basically, I am going to complete my entire undergraduate degree in 12 months thanks to the soon-to-be released 4-3 program. This will soon be replacing the 4+1 program, which was found to cause extreme depression in participants. Unfortunately, in order to complete graduation requirements in one fourth

of the time, I do not have time to eat, sleep, or take deep breaths. When I have a few minutes between classes, I sprint to frat row and break into random houses so I can still say I had “the college experience.” Usually, I am forcibly removed in under two minutes, but that is fine because I need to get back to studying anyways. Does being dragged out by numerous frat boys count as dancing? I think so. Anyway, even though I am a senior, that apparently doesn’t change the age on my driver’s license. I tried convincing the liquor store that I should be eligible for an exception because if I’m smart enough to take senior-level classes, then I deserve the chance to crack open a cold one with my peers on the weekends. The employees did not seem particularly interested in my argument. Perhaps they were not aware that being in the 4-3 program is exponentially more prestigious than being a lowly Pinnacle scholar or an elusive Clark scholar. Speaking of elusive, can someone please get me in contact with Khoda?! I have been obsessively researching this group for the entirety of my time at Snevets and yet I still don’t understand what they do. I would love to join and reform the whole organization from the bottom to

isy was here

NOT white space

the top (any other High School Musical fans?). Who cares about tradition? This is the Innovation University where we keep updating things even if it doesn’t necessarily make them better (cough, cough, the WiFi). Also, please let me into Khoda ASAP, because I will be graduating in a few months and want to bask in the glory of being a member as long as possible. The final thing I would like to discuss is the ice cream machine. Although it does not relate to anything I have discussed, it is a topic of great importance. In fact, the desire to have soft serve at Pierce might be the force that unites the entire student body. If you are a member of the small group who does not enjoy ice cream, please remove yourself from the campus immediately. If you have ever admitted to being a member of this group, a bus heading to NJIT will be picking you up shortly to bring you to your new campus.

S R O I EN UCK

Friday, April 1

Opinion girl talk

Lightly mansplaining (please don’t hate me)

by ethan kleschinsky ‘24 Due to the 70:30 male to female ratio at Snevets, The Stupe was unable to find a girl to write the Girl Talk column for this edition. After hours of deliberation, the higher-ups decided that I am the most effeminate man at Snevets, hence I will be taking over Girl Talk this week. I don’t quite know what they mean by effeminate, but I am excited to use this opportunity to talk about some of the biggest problems I think girls face here at Snevets from my perspective as a man. Someone once told me I should be able to relate to the struggles of a woman, and to this day, I still don’t know what that means. People have also pointed out my poor critical analysis skills in the past, but I’m not going to let that stop me from speaking truth to what I have seen. In my opinion, the first and most shocking issue

women here at Snevets face is that some of our current older male staff have yet to realize that Snevets began admitting women as students in 1971. Hearing things in class like “Why am I arguing with a woman?” (Professor Dick Walker), has been a jarring experience for me. Being the feminist I am, I find this absolutely outrageous. You would think after 51 years they would get the memo, right? Another issue that women at Snevets experience is the sync-up. I’ve witnessed this myself, seeing the few women on campus huddled together. On second thought, I guess they could’ve been avoiding the hordes of tech-school boys that overwhelm our campus. But based on personal experience that I would rather not get into, it’s never a good sign when girls are gathered in a group like this. I heard from a friend, who heard from a friend, who heard from his girlfriend that girls “sync-up.” I don’t know what that means, but it cannot be good. In order to combat this, I have been doing preventative research for this cause, and have found that women become increasingly dangerous as more and more of them sync-up. With this infor-

of wet toilet paper on the ceiling, all of which can be found in a middle school boys’ bathroom. The final issue I want to talk about that women face on Snevets campus is controlling their hair. With the strong winds blowing off the Hudson River and Snevets insisting on having an engineered wind tunnel every 500 feet on campus, women need a way to prevent their hair from constantly blowing in their faces. As a solution, most women on campus wear black hair ties around their wrists to have the option to tie up their hair. In order to understand what women put themselves through every day, I wore one of these hair ties on my wrist for a week before taking over the Girl Talk column. However, after leaving the hair tie on for an extended period of time, circulation was cut off in my left hand, and consequently, I had to have the hair tie surgically removed. As a result of my experience studying for the Girl Talk column, I think I finally understand what those people meant when they said I could relate to the struggles of a woman. I hope I was able to shed light on some of the issues women face at Snevets, and hopefully, people will come up with ideas to help solve these issues.

this? (types in Arial, a font not available on typewriters). I digress. I don’t actually know what digress means, but that’s beside the point, and it’s something I’ve always wanted to say. I digress again. So, St*te, I was able to sneakily get the link to the Google Drive using my photographic memory to take a picture of the URL over his shoulder. That’s how this ended up in the submissions folder, with perfect formatting and everything. I need you to publish this, the people need to know. I won’t stand by and let my roommate deceive an entire student body with tall tales of space shuttles and peas in a pod. They need to know the truth. Please publish this. It’s a

little unfortunate that it’s going in the April Fools’ Day issue, but you have to believe me. It’s the only day I knew he wouldn’t be able to get an article done in time. I think he planned that intentionally because I think he knows I was on to him. Hopefully, I’ll have time to Hmm what’s this weird document open on my roommate’s laptop. Meh, looks like a lot of reading. Well, I’m really behind on getting the Off the Press in this week so I think I’ll just tack some words on the end here and submit it. Plagiarism? Probably, but no one will know. Wow, I really lucked out on this one. I almost had to write a super meta, fourth-wall breaker where I just talk about myself making these up on the couch each week.

Pssssst. Is this Miss Julia Dwight’s College Gourmet column? Because if so, it would seem that I am… actually in the right place! You may ask, what is an art and media critic doing in Julia’s wonderfully fragrant space in this newspaper? Well, writing about food of course! And happy April Fool’s Day. I am no chef like our Julia, but I do spend copious amounts of time on Youtube watching cooking videos, because there is something so satisfying about chopping vegetables, hearing fancy words like roux, blanche, and bain marie being thrown around. Now, I can’t personally execute any of these words, but it’s nice to pretend. One of my favorite types of cooking videos are international cooking videos. Having grown up in an Indian-American household, it’s very possible that I have had to develop two distinct palates for the different cuisines. As such, I enjoy watching what other people enjoy most in their native cuisines because it’s a nice reminder that our food preferences can tie us back to the environments that which those cuisines were first cultivated. What yogurt, fennel seeds, and garam masala are to Indian cooking is what chickpeas, olive oil, and paprika are to Middle Eastern food, and is what fish sauce, cabbage, and gochujang are to Korean food. Recently, under the spell of Youtube’s algorithm, I found myself on Youtuber Beryl Shereshewsky’s page, where she tries to recreate different recipes from around the world given a certain topic (think different variations of toast around the world, comfort foods around the world, onion dishes around the world, etc).

I walked to my first class of the day and was shocked to learn that I didn’t remember anything. Even weirder, I couldn’t remember anything before my freshman year. I dashed out of class (at an incredible speed, and I wasn’t even out of breath by the end). In an attempt to make sense of everything, I headed to Red and Gray cafe to grab some coffee. I handed the cashier my debit card, and she handed it back to me, saying that the transaction was rejected. I checked my bank balance and saw that my balance was $3.98 (one unfortunate cent short of the coffee). I walked outside and sat on the steps of Burchard, and hung my

head in defeat. I reflected on my awful day, and then remembered my interaction the previous night with Atilla. Was it all somehow connected? And then suddenly, it all made sense: my better mood, my lack of proficiency in my classes, the dramatic increase in my athletic ability, and shortage of money (well, to be fair, this might not have been a clue); I was in the body of a sophomore! For some reason, Attila had turned back the clock, but why? I was determined to find out. I spent the rest of the day doing activities I thought to be privy to sophomores. I went to Pierce dining hall, which accepted my $3.98 to en-

Please publish this Ok, I need to be straight with you. As you can tell from the dramatic change of voice and direct nature of this article, I’m not the usual writer for Off the Press. I’m here clattering away on my laptop hoping the noise of my furious typing is drowned out by the lack of listeners nearby. If they catch me blowing this metaphorical whistle, I’ll surely disappear into some fake building like Rocco or Nicoll never to be heard from again. It’s fake. It’s all fake. There are no Off the Press reporters or editors, secret tip lines, or clandestine meetings with administration. There are no students that are being quoted, no “Bengals

Fan,” nothing. It’s literally one guy on a laptop, on his couch, in his apartment at 11:30 p.m. on a Friday night smashing his keyboard to get to between 480 and 520 words every week before Sunday night when it’s due. He makes it all up. I caught him doing it because I’m his roommate. I walked in and he had a Google Drive folder open. It featured all the titles and dates from this semester as well as a pitifully empty ideas folder. It’s almost like he improvises all of them on the spot. But you have no reason to trust me yet. I could be an Off the Press writer clattering away on a typewriter with a really funny prank to pull on my boss for the April Fools issue. But if I was on a typewriter, would I be able to do

Eating the world

mation, I think a possible solution is to separate women at their most threatening times of the month to protect the frail and helpless gamer boys from whatever this “syncup” may be. With the Snevets campus originally being built for an all male population, some of the building designs lack the inclusion of restrooms for women. As a way to “mend” their incompetence regarding the bathroom situation in buildings, Snevets decided to add gender-neutral bathrooms. So rather than giving women their own place to use the restroom (like men already have), they have no choice but to share a secondary gender-inclusive bathroom. The school hoped to be praised for its inclusivity with the installment of their new gender-neutral restrooms. However, in this process, they somehow forgot that women might want their own space and are now basically forcing them to experience the horrors of a men’s restroom first hand. After speaking to some women on campus about the issue, they have shared the hardships of using a gender-neutral bathroom. Some women have come forward with their horror stories of toilet seats left up, walls covered in urine, and wads

off the press by off center

college gourmet

by pooja rajadurai ‘23

She always features the recommender of the food in the video itself, and as they explain the significance of the dish to their native region, she tapes a step-by-step version of her making the dish. What I love about this channel is that it is perfect for a non-chef like me. There are no bain maries, flambe’s, or spherifications in this channel but all the recipes echo the important flavors of the countries they come from. Recently, inspired by Beryl’s visceral reaction to one of the dishes she featured in her video “How the world eats eggs,” I decided to try out one dish I had never heard of before: Cilbir from Turkey. The recipe is as simple as I can possibly ask for: garlic yogurt, which is essentially minced garlic and yogurt mixed with a simple sauce; a poached egg, which can be easily achieved by dropping an egg in a shallow pan of water rather than the usual method of creating a whirlpool in a deeper pot to swirl an egg in; and paprika butter, which is literally just melting butter in a pan and adding (preferably smoked) paprika. Then you just assemble paprika butter on top of egg on top of yogurt and dig in, either with a spoon or some toasted bread. The flavors, warmth, and mouth-feel are incredible and I didn’t even have to lose any limbs to create it. I am very excited to know that I was able to eat something that my favorite actors from Turkish serial dramas could have eaten for breakfast (seriously, check them out, I still swoon over Dolunay after watching it over two years ago). I definitely recommend picking a country that has intrigued you recently and creating a simple dish from there, even if it’s just their favorite version of toast. Good luck and Bon Apetit! See you soon on the Doodling Duck.

the doodling duck

The top 4 paintings I would eat

by julia dwight ‘22 After The Stute’s production night last Wednesday, I packed up my things and headed home for the night. In a trance of exhaust and delusion, I wandered the streets of Hoboken on the familiar path home. When I got onto Washington Street, I noticed a hooded figure

a few paces in front of me. Having seen weirder things on Washington Street, I was unfazed and kept marching forward. As I approached closer, I saw glistening coming from the figure’s robes, and I began to grow suspicious. In a bold move, I ran up to the figure and de-hooded them. To my shock, it was clear that Attila the Duck now stood in front of me. For a second, I was starstruck, completely forgetting the creepiness of the situation. Was I supposed to run, or was I supposed to find a pen for an autograph? But before I could decide, Attila pulled out a bag from the depths of his robes and sprinkled a pixie-dust-like substance

over my head. In a blink, he was gone. Obviously, I had a lot of questions. Who even was Attila (suspicions say that it’s Dean Nilsen under the mask)? Where did Attila even live? More importantly, I wondered what the hell had Attila had just sprinkled over my head? After several seconds, I deduced that this was somehow connected to the systemic duck problem on campus. The next morning, I decided to wake up fairly early and felt more cheery than usual, a stark contrast from my usual bleak state. What was to account for this change in attitude, I wasn’t sure. Puzzled, I went about my day, which only got stranger.

ter but after having me sign a contract to pay the remainder with 50% interest compounding hourly. After eating, I went to the library and pretended to be the main character for a bit. And that was pretty much it, I’m not really sure how else sophomores spend their time, to be honest. I retired that day and went to bed. To my excitement, I woke up the next morning feeling tired, smarter, morbidly out of shape, and with a whopping $15.78 to my name. I’m still unsure why Attila turned me into a sophomore. maybe it’s not about the journey, but the friends you made along the way <3.

Friday, April 1

Opinion second-year freshman

A blast to the past

by sanjana madhu ‘23 After The Stute’s production night last Wednesday, I packed up my things and headed home for the night. In a trance of exhaust and delusion, I wandered the streets of Hoboken on the familiar path home. When I got onto Washington Street, I noticed a hooded figure a few paces in front of me. Having seen weirder things on Washington Street, I was unfazed and kept marching forward.

As I approached closer, I saw glistening coming from the figure’s robes, and I began to grow suspicious. In a bold move, I ran up to the figure and de-hooded them. To my shock, it was clear that Attila the Duck now stood in front of me. For a second, I was starstruck, completely forgetting the creepiness of the situation. Was I supposed to run, or was I supposed to find a pen for an autograph? But before I could decide, Attila pulled out a bag from the depths of his robes and sprinkled a pixie-dust-like substance over my head. In a blink, he was gone. Obviously, I had a lot of questions. Who even was Attila (suspicions say that it’s Dean Nilsen under the mask)? Where did Attila even live? More importantly, I wondered what the hell had Attila had just sprin-

kled over my head? After several seconds, I deduced that this was somehow connected to the systemic duck problem on campus. The next morning, I decided to wake up fairly early and felt more cheery than usual, a stark contrast from my usual bleak state. What was to account for this change in attitude, I wasn’t sure. Puzzled, I went about my day, which only got stranger. I walked to my first class of the day and was shocked to learn that I didn’t remember anything. Even weirder, I couldn’t remember anything before my freshman year. I dashed out of class (at an incredible speed, and I wasn’t even out of breath by the end). In an attempt to make sense of everything, I headed to Red and Gray cafe to grab some coffee. I handed the

DOUBLE Country Crush: the romcom of the century

by emma tong ‘25 It is Spring. Are you missing a romance that hasn’t happened or maybe you are homesick for a place you have never been to? Well, I am here to introduce you to a movie that will appeal to both of these tastes: Country Crush. It is a classic movie about a girl who is left without a place to stay after her car breaks down and meets a small-town mechanic who falls in love with her. But life is complicated and sets them apart. What I love about this movie is that it is perfect in every way it depicts what a true romance is like and depicts the American South beautifully. First, I would like to talk about the characters and more especially the interaction between the main characters, Nancy and Charlie (their names aren’t really important; it is the feeling, besides they remind you at the end of the movie.) The way the movie sets up their characters and problems in the film is amazing to be done so subtly but also upfront that you have no choice but to notice it. Like the emphasis on Nancy saying she has a boyfriend or insinuating that Charlie wants to sleep with her, in addition to Charlie’s insistence on being a perfect gentleman. In addition, there are many moments where even the small details are noticed like when there is a big emotional moment, but Charlie gives no reaction or looks at the viewer. However, these characters grow together through the time they spend with each other sharing their secrets, and forcing themselves to open up by messing with their personal business or putting in front of a large

I spent the rest of the day doing activities I thought to be privy to sophomores. I went to Pierce dining hall, which accepted my $3.98 to enter but after having me sign a contract to pay the remainder with 50% interest compounding hourly. After eating, I went to the library and pretended to be the main character for a bit. And that was pretty much it, I’m not really sure how else sophomores spend their time, to be honest. I retired that day and went to bed. To my excitement, I woke up the next morning feeling tired, smarter, morbidly out of shape, and with a whopping $15.78 to my name. I’m still unsure why Attila turned me into a sophomore. maybe it’s not about the journey, but the friends you made along the way <3.

WRITE A LETTER TO THE EDITOR we currently accept the following forms of contact: pigeon mail

TROUBLE

spoiler alert

group of people. Another great part of this movie is the big buildup of the emotional heartbeat of the movie which is Charlie’s family. Charlie is hurting because his mother got sick even though he tried to make enough money to save her. However, another tragedy strikes him as his brother was (heavily insinuated) to be blown up in war. Much of the movie is spent on this buildup as we get to see their interaction and love through a song in the beginning. In addition to four other songs in the entire movie. You can see the importance of it when the wife of the brother is the biggest picture on the poster. Also, the movie chooses to not solve this conflict for her or Charlie besides a big dance party for Charlie. Despite being written and acted by Canadians, they all have a perfect American country accent, even city accents. The ones who aren’t from Canada aren’t from the South. But their acting and singing are on point, the subtle singing and acting showing they are just normal people in the South who happen to burst into song every 5 minutes. However, it is acclaimed with Nancy winning best actress in the Lake Charles Film Festival. Now I would like to talk about the best part of the

cashier my debit card, and she handed it back to me, saying that the transaction was rejected. I checked my bank balance and saw that my balance was $3.98 (one unfortunate cent short of the coffee). I walked outside and sat on the steps of Burchard, and hung my head in defeat. I reflected on my awful day, and then remembered my interaction the previous night with Atilla. Was it all somehow connected? And then suddenly, it all made sense: my better mood, my lack of proficiency in my classes, the dramatic increase in my athletic ability, and shortage of money (well, to be fair, this might not have been a clue); I was in the body of a sophomore! For some reason, Attila had turned back the clock, but why? I was determined to find out.

movie: the music. Every time I show someone this movie for the first time they are shocked by the music. First, there are 16 songs in this entire movie so that means there is a song every five minutes. Also, the transitions are great as they are just talking, and then the music and the lyrics just start up. All the songs are very original with similar lyrics and long choruses. They all end up sounding the same which makes the feel of the movie stay standard. The songs also help heavily convey how the characters feel like the sadness of the brother’s death or a resolution of Charlie’s turmoil. In fact, they may even solve the problems of the film itself. In addition, the actors do a good job of this by lip-syncing a few seconds off from the music and it varies in quality from actual singing to studio production level singing. So overall, I loved this movie not only for its unique plot, cultural value, and music. This film is one of a kind and you should give it a watch. If you don’t believe me, read this testimony from my friends who I convinced to watch it. One said, “I feel like I am not getting this hour back.” The other one replied, “Well, guess what … you aren’t.”

photo courtesy of imdb.com

spoiler alert

Baby Yoda’s newest adventure!: Star Wars Sidekicks

by julia wierzbicki ‘23 Have you ever wondered what happens when Baby Yoda meets a Baby Ewok and a Baby Porg? Neither did I, but now you can find out in the new series, Star Wars Sidekicks! In this latest cash grab—I mean, mini-series—on Disney+, Baby Yoda escapes from the Mandalorian’s care and finds himself in a nursery filled with all different infant creatures from across the Star Wars universe. He ends up befriending an Ewok and a Porg and they begin exploring the galaxy together. I will add that every single baby animal in that scene is available as plushies on the Disney website. So if you ever wanted a baby Rancor or a baby green-milk-cowthing from The Last Jedi, now’s your chance! From there, each episode follows the unlikely trio on a different adventure. Although none of them speak English, so there are virtually no lines in the entire show, there doesn’t need to be! Every gurgle out of Grogu’s mouth is ten times better than any spoken line

anyway. Additionally, while Star Wars films and shows are usually pretty fastpaced, this series definitely took its time. This was probably due to the fact that the three main characters all move exceptionally slowly because of their size. They spent an entire episode walking from one side of Mos Eisley to the other, one cute and tiny step at a time. I was on the edge of my seat every time the Ewok stopped to steal fruit from a nearby vendor or the Porg drank some blue milk. I just couldn’t pull my eyes away from the cuteness! It is important to note, however, that I believe this series has single-handedly destroyed the Star Wars timeline. Once they finally make it onto a landspeeder to start their adventures, (which takes them a whole seven episodes) they travel across the planet and go pod-racing with a young Anakin Skywalker. Then, they head over to a different part of Tatooine and help Luke Skywalker bury the burnt skeletons of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. They also hunt for frogs with Jar Jar Binks on Naboo and make it back just in time to aid the First Order in waging war on the planet of Jakku. Watching a Baby Porg wield a blaster wasn’t something I ever thought I needed to see, but after this incredible series, I couldn’t imagine my life without it! Although the series

mostly stayed light and funny, there were some darker moments that really brought the seriousness of the Star Wars universe into perspective. In the second to last episode, the Baby Porg is fatally injured in battle against the Jedi. After Grogu and the Ewok spend time mourning their brethren, they vow to destroy every Jedi left in the galaxy. At least, that’s what I assumed they said. As mentioned before, none of them speak English. The final episode of the series contained an hourlong montage (with “Duel of the Fates” playing in the background) of Grogu and the Ewok carrying out Order 66 all on their own. Palpatine didn’t even give the order—they took care of it themselves! For how slow they were moving, they were surprisingly ruthless in their attacks. However, every time I was starting to suspect that maybe these sidekicks were not on the good side of the Force, I just took another look into their cute eyes and thought to myself, With a face like that, how bad could they really be? In all honesty, I enjoyed Star Wars Sidekicks. Even though it was an additional $50 to watch the series on Disney+, you can never pay too much for more Baby Yoda content. And I’m definitely headed to my nearest Disney store to buy the rest of the plushies as soon as possible.

graphic courtesy of julia wierzbicki

Friday, April 1

Campus Pulse

Julie Garry ‘24

“Who’s Pearl? Is she the lady in the front? I’m gonna go with the duck.”

Mikaela Jernsletten ‘25

“I’d have to go with Pearl, just a feeling.”

Evan Jinks ‘24

“Is Attila just one person? Let’s just say Favardin for the underdog.”

ROVING REPORTER

*Gasps* “Pearl for sure, she’s a queen”

“Who would win in a fight: Pearl from Pierce, Farvardin without glasses, or Attila?”

“Attila, just cuz I like ducks.”

Anton Danylenko ‘23

Alexa Coccio ‘22

Matthew Casey ‘25

Catalina Abusada ‘23

“Hmm, I’d say Pearl from Pierce. I support Pearl the most.”

“Pearl. She could be feisty.”

Kaitlin Arnold ‘25

“It’s gonna the president 100%.”

graphic courtesy of isabella ziv and rafael lee li

LAST WEEK’S ANSWERS! easy sudoku

crossword

hard sudoku

Friday, April 1

Puzzle Page Inception by Off Center Stephen Pachucki Whoops! This week s crossword has already been solved. Wait a minute, this can t be right. It s up to you to deduce how this puzzle must be solved. The final answer is a seventeen-letter two-word phrase. Good luck!

CLUES (ordered alphabetically by answer) • One might travel from JFK to LAX (8) • Creature from another planet (5) • Image representing a computer user (6) • Baseball player Ruth (4) • Disobedient children (3,4) • Large (3) • Courageous (5) • Civics and Corvettes (4) • Someone shipwrecked on a deserted island (8) • Felines (4) • Select using a computer mouse (5) • Piece of evidence (4) • Restaurant and arcade chain: ___ & Buster's (4) • Ridge of sand (4) • What you're likely to get after taking a cake class (4,1) • Small mischievous humanoid of folklore (3) • Solidified due to cold (6) • Spooky apparition (5) • Colosseum fighter (9) • Lubricant (6) • February holiday (9,3) • October holiday (9) • Make warmer (4) • Third person singular pronoun (3) • You might find these in Swiss cheese (5) • "___, line, and sinker" (4) • Author of Les Misérables (4) • Glacial period in Earth's geological history (3,3) Solving this cipher may make it easier to solve the clues

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Mandibles (4) Crush, as in food (4) Underlings (7) Work an additional job (9) Leech (8) Many of these dots make up a digital image (6) Maniac (6) French dish consisting of various stewed vegetables (11) Second-most populous city in Brazil: ___ de Janeiro (3) WALL-E and R2-D2 are famous ones (6) Ice cream flavor: ___ road (5) Viewed (3) Cry out with great emotion (6) Alabama city known for its role in the 1960s Civil Rights Movement (5) Road indications (5) What a chorus does (4) Very far upward (3-4) Magnitude of velocity (5) Divide into parts (5) Children's book series: "I ___" (3) Cab operator (4,6) Senator Cruz (3) Palindromic term for a primary principle of a philosophy (5) Norse god of weather (4) Colossal (7) Internet provokers (6) Period of time just after sunset (8) Poisonous substance secreted by many snakes (5)

28 21 15 58 37 5 40 32 20 12 45 10 29 57 42

Sudoku

DUCK HUNT Can you find all 24 ducks hidden around The Stupe? Here are a few to start with:

CONNECT THE DOTS. Puzzle 1 (Medium, difficulty rating 0.48)

7 4

1 9

3 1

4 4

7 3

5 6

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Thu Mar 31 04:14:22 2022 GMT. Enjoy!

2 9

Friday, April 1

Meet the Stupers!

Sanjana: Boss Woman

Isy: Layout Wizard

Katie: The Only Humanities Major

MEET SANJANA. SHE KINDA RUNS THIS SHA-BANG, SO IF YOU SEE HER CRYING ON CAMPUS, KNOW IT’S FROM STRESS AND NOT THE WEIGHT OF EXISTENTIALISM WEIGHING HER DOWN.

MEET ISABELLA. SHE STARES AT INDESIGN FOR 10 HOURS A WEEK AND WILL STRESS IF SOMETHING IS A MILLIMETER OFF. SHE DOESN’T REALLY CARE IF YOU READ THE STUPE, JUST TELL HER IT LOOKS PRETTY.

MEET KATIE. SHE TRIES TO GET PEOPLE TO JOIN THE STUPE EVEN THOUGH MOST PEOPLE AT STEVENS ARE ENGINEERS AND DON’T LIKE WRITING.

Keenan: [Barely] Managing Editor

Bemin: Internet Explorer

Jordyn: Bus Man, The Negotiator

MEET KEENAN! QUIET AND NOT VERY SOCIABLE, KEENAN CAN BE FOUND ON THE THIRD FLOOR OF THE LIBRARY ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.

MEET BEMIN. HE IS A MAN OF FEW WORDS, BUT A LOT OF CHICKEN NUGGETS. HE IS THE RESIDENT INFLUENCER… I MEAN HAVE YOU SEEN OUR INSTA??

MEET JORDYN. JORDYN HANDLES THE $$$$ AND EMAILS NATASHA 24/7. SHE MAY BE MONEY LAUNDERING BUT WE CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT. SLAYY

Tasha: The Specialist

Alex: The Pizza Guy

“The Stool”

MEET ALEX. ALEX DELIVERS THE PAPERS TO CAMPUS IN RAIN, SNOW, HAIL, TORNADOES, YOU NAME IT. HE KEEPS THE STUPERS WELL FED.

MEET “THE STOOL.” “THE STOOL” HOLDS OUR ORGANIZATION TOGETHER AND WITHOUT IT, THE STUPE WOULD LITERALLY JUST FALL APART. THANK YOU “THE STOOL”

MEET TASHA. SHE’S ONLY BEEN DOING THIS FOR LIKE THREE WEEKS BUT WRITES AND EDITS SOMETIMES. HER LAST NAME IS A LITTLE TOO SIMILAR TO KHODA BUT WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT.

And now introducing... The Stupe’s new sleep paralysis demon

photo courtesy of stevens150.com