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The student newspaper of Snevets Institute of Technology, and creator of Attila the Duck. www.thest*te.com TikTok @thest*te Instagram @thest*te facebook.com/stevensthest*te

Disclaimer: the content of this edition are satire or is it???

VOLUME CXXIII No. 21

BOHOKEN, NJ | April 6, 2026

NEW ST*TE EVERY FRIDAY • EST. A WHILE AGO

Snevets to 3D print Davis Tower by byran mahoney, stuper

Snevets once again bans fun! by jack macdonnell, stuper The warning signs have been showing up for a while, but it has now been made official. Snevets has officially put a ban on fun. In response to student grades and productivity being lower than desired, the university has decided to take a new approach to increasing work ethic. After conducting much research, university officials have discovered that students spend a disconcert-

ing amount of time doing things like “hanging out” or “having fun”... and other weird things like “smiling.” Having fun has proven to be too brain-stimulating, so when students resume their schoolwork, they often find it too unengaging or boring. To remedy this, all fun activities are to be prohibited, so that students won’t have anything else to do but their work. Friends, video games, sports, clubs — all these frivolous things are given countless hours that could

GRAPHIC COURTESY OF BRADY SANSOTTA

instead be spent on doing school work. Thus, new initiatives are being put in place to prevent these activities and encourage students to spend more time on what actually matters. Any activities that bring positive emotions are to be promptly shut down and put to a stop. If it causes your lips to do that weird thing where they curve up, it will be categorized as a Smiling or Happiness Infraction Transgression (SHIT). Punishments for being caught doing SHIT

will result in the student being sentenced to public stoning. Major changes that will go into effect are as follows: • Students attend class exhausted too frequently, so a mandatory bedtime at 9 p.m. will be enforced campus-wide • There will be electric fences installed around all Schaefer lawns to prevent people from playing spikeball or hav-

SEE FUN PAGE 2

In a surprising turn of events, Snevets Institute of Technology has elected against building the new Davis Tower through conventional construction methods and has instead decided to use a brand new state-of-the-art 3D printer to create the new Davis Tower. First, though, a recap on what the Davis Tower is. If you haven’t heard, there have been plans at Snevets to demolish the old Davis Hall and replace it with a brand new building, which will not only host dorms, but also classrooms and labs. While Dave’s Hall has served admirably for over 60 years and was renovated in 2018, it has shown its age in recent years. Not only will a new building with modern amenities take its place, but it will also greatly expand the amount of housing, classrooms, and labs on campus. Other aging dorms should watch out… Crusty Point Hall. However, the plans to replace Dave’s Hall are old news. What is making the rounds this time is the method of construction Stevens is going to use in creating the new Davis Tower. In a giant, stateof-the-art, 3D printer

Atilla found in the Epstein files by josh bodenstein, stuper Snevets mascot, Atilla the Duck, appears to be named in the recently released Epstein files, according to documents reviewed by The St*te last Tuesday. The reference, buried deep within the released records, contains an entry that sources familiar with the documents described as clearly resembling the Snevets mascot. The nature of the connection remains unclear, and no photographs, financial records, or travel logs linked to Atilla have surfaced in the files — a fact that investigators note is either reassuring or simply indicative of how carefully the matter was handled. Legal analysts contacted by The St*te described the situation as “unprecedented,” though several acknowledged they had not previously been retained to assess the criminal exposure of a duck, and at least one admitted they weren’t sure ducks could hold a passport. One attorney, speaking on condition of anonymity, said only: “I went to law school for this?” The documents do not establish any explicit relationship between Atilla and the individuals NEWZ (1-2)

Something important.... Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Suspendisse magna leo, aliquet quis pharetra non. FEATURES ( . )( . )

A whole bunch of nonsense Actually some of the funniest articles you’ll ever read. Be prepared to laugh out loud.

named elsewhere in the files. Experts say this is technically the best possible outcome and that they would like to stop being called about it. Snevets’ administration has not issued a public statement in response to the discovery. Sources indicate the past week has been, in their words, “genuinely horrible.” The university has reportedly convened the Ad-hoc Subcommittee Scrutinizing Highly Odd Legal Exposures— or ASSHOLE —to assess the implications of a sitting mascot appearing in federal documents. The subcommittee’s first scheduled meeting was delayed when members spent 40 minutes debating whether its own name constituted a Title IX violation, before concluding that it probably did but that no one wanted to be the one to bring it up. A second meeting was then delayed because three of the five members were also on the Anti-Serotonin Squadron (ASS) committee (see “Stevens Bans Fun”), resulting in a scheduling conflict. A third meeting has been tentatively set for late April, pending the procurement of a quorum, a room booking that doesn’t overlap with the Furry Club, and

emotional support resources for all parties involved. Atilla has not appeared at any recent sporting events or prospective student tours since the story broke, leaving a noticeable gap in the Snevets gameday experience. Tour guides have continued to reference him by name, though the context has become somewhat more complicated. His absence has extended to Snevets’ online presence as well — across every official Snevets Instagram account, Atilla has not been seen in a single post since the story emerged. For a mascot whose entire job is to be visible, cheerful, and publicly associated with the university, the silence is striking. The situation marks the most significant disappearance in Snevets mascot history, which admittedly is a category with little prior competition, since the previous record was set in 2014, when Atilla was briefly reported missing during movein weekend before being found inside a freshman’s mini fridge. No explanation was ever provided by either party. Adding to the mounting concern, Pierce Din-

SEE ATILLA PAGE 2

’T N O

OPINION (9-11)

People with facts These are totally normal opinion columns where opinionated people say opinionated things based on their opinions. PUZZLE PAGE (12)

Everyone’s favorite section you have to read the rest of the stupe before you skip to this sections. we will know if you just skip to the back

DON’T SCAN THIS YOU’LL REGRET IT LAST WARNING

that goes up 50 stories and can produce structures up to 1million square feet, the new Davis Tower will be created. Located in New Brunswick, NJ, the printer was originally developed as a collaborative research project between Johnson & Johnson and Rutgers University. While they intended to mass-produce artificial organs to be used in organ transplants, they quickly realized that mass-producing organs meant to be sterilized out in the open air was a bad idea. To account for this, they soon switched the focus of their 3D printer from mass printing organs to printing out whole buildings. The 3D printer can create everything the building needs in one go. The frame of the building is printed first, followed by the wiring and pipes. Then, everything the building needs to function, in this case, looking at the new Davis Tower, is printed. Whether it is the furniture for dorms, desks for classrooms, or lab equipment for the labs, it is all quickly and efficiently printed with the least amount of pollution caused. Finally, the finishing touches, including the walls, doors, floors, ceilings, and anything else the

SEE DAVIS PAGE 2

Monday, April 6

Fake Newz Masthead Volume CXXIII No. 21 Executive Board boss woman..................................jiya jaisinghani ‘27 money launderer..........................camryn winant ‘28 [barely] managing editor 3.0............tianna spitz ‘27 layout wizard 5.0.............................claire deans ‘29 chair of chairs 2.o .........................isabella fama ‘29 internet explorer ......................charmy kotadia ‘27 excel-errator..........................josephine choong ‘28

Editorial Board mad scientist................................riyana phadke ‘27 professional baller...................milagros carbajal ‘28 the specialist........................................itai geller ‘26 professional yapper......................prisha vagvala ‘28 grammar police...............................tasha khosla ‘25

Operations Board paparazzi................................isabelle villanueva ‘26 infulencer.........................................christine yi ‘29 transportation.................................jonathan lai ‘28 layoutcretary..............................brady sansotta ‘29 layoutcretary...................................kailey supan ‘29 layoutcretary......................................shreya roy ‘27

Retired Bored succesful money launderer...................fiona shi ‘28 layout master..............................eiliyah sarowar ‘28 og chair of chairs ..........................tanya avadia ‘25

Staff & Contributors Jack MaDonnell Bryan Mahoney Hugo Holland Josh Bodenstein Sean Palermo Matt Soltys Reka Weinacht Sofia Stoeckel Disha Gohil Amelie Dela Cruz

Anthony Cursio Broke Nogurka Robert Dietrich Isabelle Villanueva Abigail Thomas Dominc Souza Milagros Carbajal Chris Kalish Vedhesh A. Kamaraj Sydney Leung Breona Pizzuta Wesley Yu Christina Thomas Marcus Hom Viktor Palmer Disha Rana Gavin Ruby

don’t.

ok but actually this is our email and office if you want to say hi: eboard@thestute.com UCC 216B

FUN

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 ing multiracial picnics (picnics will be allowed if approved by a campus photographer) All naughty words will be banned, such as poop, fart, crap, and dookie. They are immature and should never be uttered. The SGA will pay for random people to drive around campus on electric scooters. All clubs have been forced to disband to prevent student unionizing against the new policies… with the exception of the furry club. Officials are too scared to approach them. Sex has been found to be among the most unproductive of student activities, so in order to engage in sexual intercourse, all involved individuals must have their sex permission slip signed by their RA and three witnesses present at the time of signing. To prevent students from having non-campus food in their dorms, mini fridges will be replaced with even minier fridges. Tillie is currently being psychologically reconditioned to be a reverse therapy dog, and as opposed to bringing comfort to students, she will learn to prey on and feed their deepest insecurities and fears. Peirce Dining Hall food will no longer have salt. This is unrelated to the fun ban, they just wanted to do that. To enforce such guidelines, the school has organized the Anti-Serotonin Squadron, or A.S.S.,

DAVIS

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 building needs, are printed. A number of construction projects have already used this printer, including the new Grand Central Terminal and the new East Wing of the White House. The use of a 3D printer in these

an elite task force trained to detect any kind of joy and put a stop to it. These agents are retired homeowners from suburban New Jersey who are already psychologically conditioned to hate kids whenever they’re enjoying themselves. If you have any questions, you can ask A.S.S. in their newly established office in South Tower — it’s the office with “Live Laugh Love” and “Bless this mess” signs outside it.

They will be conducting routine searches of dorms to check for any S.H.I.T, so please be ready for mandatory A.S.S inspections. We understand that all these changes can be very upsetting, but they don’t really care. Try taking up a new pastime, like filing taxes or watching paint dry. These may seem like changes for the worse, but it’s a sacrifice the school is willing to make to get those grades up.

GRAPHIC COURTESY OF JIYA JAISINGHANI

construction projects not only significantly reduced the construction time but also saved billions in dollars and reduced the amount of waste generated. In the near future, there may be a time when every new building will be constructed using a 3D printer, from the smallest of houses to the largest of skyscrapers. However, buildings are only one piece of the 3D printing

revolution. There will be a time when everything shall be created using a 3D printer. The aforementioned plan to mass-produce organs showcases plans for the medical industry to use 3D printers. Other industries in food production and vehicular production are also interested in the use of 3D printers for manufacturing the entirety of their goods.

Corrections

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Disclaimer All opinions and editorials reflect the views of their respective author(s). No Part of The St*te may be reproduced in any form, in whole or in part, without the written consent of the Boss Woman. Cited references of The St*te are permitted.

Policy on Letters to the Editor Here’s a letter from the editor: Do not submit things to us. We don’t care! jk jk, but we’re not gonna make this easy for you. Please take your submissions, print them, neatly place them in an envelope, and then leave them on the bench in the leftmost gateway south basement shower Report back to the shower in 6-9 business days for a timely response.

PHOTO COURTESY OF STEVENS.EDU

ATILLA

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CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 ing Hall introduced a new menu item this week: duck confit. The dish, which was not on any prior Pierce menu and does not appear in the dining services’ publicly available ingredient-sourcing documentation, has been served on three separate occasions since the story broke. When approached for comment, a Pierce staff member stated, “You’re holding up the line, do you want it or not?” and declined to specify the supplier. Dining services also did not respond to a request for clarification on sourcing. The university has not addressed the timing. The St*te is not making any allegations. We are simply noting the facts as they exist. The Student Government Association (SGA) released a statement indicating that it is “monitoring the situation closely and will provide updates as more information becomes available.” The statement was 47 words long. No further details were offered. SGA then immediately returned to investigating how to

waste the students’ money most efficiently. The St*te will continue to follow this story as it develops. Atilla could not be reached for comment. His agent did not re-

spond. His PR firm appears not to exist. Pierce Dining Services asked us to leave after our journalist noticed a rat, and reminded us that the duck confit is available while supplies last.

GRAPHIC COURTESY OF THE ST*TE

Monday April 6

AI Slop Best AIs to use to ensure you finish the semester with a maximum 2.0 GPA by camryn winat, money launderer 2024 brought us the “knowit-alls” in our phones that still can not figure out how many “r”s are in “strawberry” — I understand it gets confusing sometimes. That doesn’t seem to stop us from copying and pasting every assignment into AI just to get some mediocre answer sure to get us a C+ max. Not all AIs are created equally, so I’m going to rank the best. #5 Bottom of the barrel: Grok. In fact, I don’t even recommend going to Grok for even the simplest of tasks…I’ve never seen it answer a question correctly. The only thing it is really good for is pointing out who is in a photo or swapping a detail in a photo. Could definitely be used for making a photo for a presentation or slideshow, which is why it even made this list. Could you imagine having to make a Twitter post (or X…) every time you wanted an answer to a homework question? Might be a fun way to cheat if you’re interested in very wrong answers and being inconvenienced. #4 Microsoft Copilot. Wow. The first week I owned my laptop, I put a question into Copilot and it answered it for me correctly. Easy, right? Later on, I started a new chat, put a new question into it, and it answered the first question for me again.

Then, I started a new chat again, asked another question, and it answered the original question I put in again. And yes, it does that all the time. That’s all. Also, there’s a button built into my laptop just to open Copilot, and sometimes I reach a flow state, but then I accidentally press the aforementioned button, and it just ruins my day. #3 Right in the middle is Google AI Overview. Does that even count? It’s generally only good for the most basic of questions or for clarifications. I find that the more words I start putting into the search engine, Google AI Overview gets more confused. But when I need a quick clarification on a term or an accounting rule, I can just throw that in, and I know Google AI Overview has my back. Though it’s important to remember that AI Overview gets its information from EVERYWHERE on the internet, creating the memorable time someone looked up “cheese won’t stick to pizza” and Overview suggested that you mix glue into the sauce, the suggestion coming from some old Reddit post. #2 To maybe the surprise of everyone ever, ChatGPT is NOT number one. If spending $20 a month to get mostly wrong answers and your personality stolen sounds appealing to you, then I guess Chat is perfect for you. I mean…Chat is like just fine.

If you’re not paying, you have a limit to how much you can say, do, or attach, which makes it essentially useless to the average student. Or you can spend the $20 (yes, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 big dollars) so it can get more screenshots worth of questions wrong. It is super good at making study guides, though. I used a Chat-created study guide for a bio exam once (after getting 50s all semester) and came out on top with a 90. #1 The AI technology most dear to every student I know is Gemini. Very rarely do I find that Gemini gets things wrong (which is confusing? Aren’t all AI technologies pulling information from the same World Wide Web?). I’ve also never run into the issue of Gemini answering an old question when I open up a new chat, or even mixing up the older and newer topics I’ve asked. Also, let’s talk about the feature where you can just press the Ask Gemini button on Chrome, and the AI can just read your screen. AND there are no text limits or attachment limits, and it’s all free. It is elite. I personally don’t use Claude…it’s $30 a month or $100 a year. But I’m sure if I did use it, it would’ve outranked every other AI on this list. At the end of the day, all AIs are stupid in their own special ways, so use whatever. I don’t care.

Chat, replace my professor by tasha kholsa, grammar police In a shocking announcement, Snevets has decided to replace certain professors with artificial intelligence. According to President Narfarvar, this change is being implemented “to help reduce unnecessary spending and to open up new opportunities for students. Snevets will be partnering with OpenAI to provide all students with ChatGPT Plus (for a small fee, of course). OpenAI will also be implementing a brand ambassador program, similar to Fizz, for students to participate in and promote the ChatGPT Pro plan. As for which professors are being replaced, that will be solely based on their midterm evaluations and Rate My Professor ratings. If anyone on campus has any further questions, please direct them to ChatGPT.” Members of the campus community have had mixed feelings about the news. One professor said, “I think that this is a good thing. As an innovative university, we should be embracing new technologies to make students more career-ready. Also, there’s way too much research happening on campus that’s not important. Who cares about the environment or helping the healthcare sector? AI should be our main focus.” This professor later found out they were being replaced due to their low

ratings and had other comments to share that The St*pe cannot publish. A Visual Arts and Technology student complained, “I have to figure out what I’m going to do. I was supposed to do paid research with my professor, but they got replaced, and ChatGPT doesn’t think my work is good enough. An OpenAI representative told me I can sell some of their merchandise on campus and earn $3 an hour. I’m pretty sure that doesn’t meet minimum wage standards, but I guess I’ll take it.” Members of the Honesty Board lamented, “What about the anti-AI policies so many classes have? Using AI counts as academic dishonesty, but now it’s teaching the class! What’s going to happen to all of those cases?” Still, there has been some positive feedback. One Computer Science student exclaimed, “I’m so excited for this! I’m not going to lie, I barely listen to my current professors, so I lowkey don’t know what a linked list is or how to code at all. I’m hyped to use Codex. I’ve already been using AI in my classes and crying when the professor and TAs confront me, so I’m glad I can converse with it more freely without worrying.” Local finance bros also favored the initiative, mentioning that they already skip class to prepare for nonexistent interviews and buy suits

to wear to the classes that they do attend. One shared, “By replacing the professor with ChatGPT, I can ask it to summarize the lectures it gave instead of having to sit through class. I’m going to use that free time to get my blazers tailored and take more headshots for my LinkedIn.” Some members of the campus community feel apathetic towards the news. A few HASS majors explained that “AI cannot capture the human aspect of our writing, and therefore it cannot teach us properly. A lot of us won’t be using the Plus plan.” When asked if they use Grammarly, a writing tool that is powered by AI, one student from this group retorted, “That doesn’t count!” Other students and faculty focused on the school’s finances pointed out, “Snevets just seems to be funneling a lot of money into OpenAI instead of tackling the main issues on campus like high tuition rates, Tillie’s designer wardrobe, the lack of upperclassmen on-campus housing, and rising bookstore prices.” Despite the mixed reactions, it is clear that Snevets aims to position itself as a leader in emerging technology. Although the replaced professors will be dearly missed, this is an exciting time for Snevets and provides students with the tools they need to succeed (or destroy higher education and the environment).

PHOTO COURTESY CHATGPT

PHOTO COURTESY OF GOOGLE GEMINI AND REDDIT.COM

CHATGPT BANNED: WHAT COMES NEXT? by isabella fama, chair of chairs 2.o With the rise of AI becoming increasingly popular in all levels of education, many schools, specifically colleges and universities, are starting to crack down on its usage. Snevets Institute of Technology, the “Innovation University,” has officially banned any use of ChatGPT campus- wide. This ban was put into place almost immediately and left students with many unanswered questions. Where can they literally get their questions answered? All questions that would once be directed to ChatGPT are now being redirected to Tillie, the school’s widely recognized mascot. To the staff at Snevets, this solution seemed like a no-brainer, and a decision was made almost immediately. The St*te reached out to the President’s office for a comment on their new initiative, in which they said, “ChatGPT has become something students now completely rely on. It was once a source of help and redirection, but now it has a completely different meaning and threatens the integrity of the institution. Students must use what is available to them, a strong and credible source, such as Tillie.” The question of how Tillie will answer any of the questions being asked has been circulating. She has been given an iPad to wear around her neck, which can easily print as well as display text for anyone who approaches. The students of Snevets seem to be more confused than anything about the school’s decision to implement this ban. The St*te interviewed a number of students about how they felt about it. A second-year mechanical engineering major, Jayson D. said, “A lot of us are just confused how the dog is supposed to answer literally any of our questions. I asked Tillie for help with my circuits class homework, and she just printed a bitten Yella’s receipt.”

Tillie is no longer just Tillie. She has been given the new title of Chief of Information Operations. She is not just answering any questions that students ask, but she will also serve as a TA across all three schools of engineering, business, and humanities. Although she has been given a major new task and a huge promotion here at Snevets, Tillie will still serve as the emotional support animal she is apparently being trained to be. Despite the confusion that seems to be circulating, Snevets’ administration has not budged on its decision. Many students have explored different options to combat this. An “illegal” non-Snevets-approved club is apparently said to be operating in the basement of Humphreys once a week. Students write down any questions they have for ChatGPT, and a burner phone is used to look them up; no sources are able to confirm or deny the existence of this so-called club. Many are wondering if Tillie will continue to work in this position next school year, but it is too early to see if her work will be proven beneficial. The staff seem optimistic and are excited about Tillie’s new position, while students remain doubtful about the capabilities of the campus’s beloved canine companion. The St*te tried asking Tillie herself for a quote, but her iPad displayed a 404 error. After all, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

404

Monday, April 6

Tillie Takeover Tillie appointed new Dean of Students with 120% approval rate by josephine choong, excel-errator Due to the previous dean’s sudden disappearance, Tillie was appointed Dean of Students. Tillie had an extensive history of being cute, being cute, being cute, and being cute, which made her the perfect candidate for the role. When asked about the previous dean’s absence, Tillie responded with “bark bark bark bark.” Unfortunately, I don’t speak dog, so I don’t know what she’s saying. I have been bribed to say that Tillie is eager to make exciting changes within the university. If I weren’t being bribed, I would have also reported that Tillie had a particularly sinister grin, and I have been warned not to let Tillie near anything sharp. Tillie has emphasized that dogs weren’t represented enough within the Stevens community, and the entire university did not follow her Instagram account. To accommodate this, clubs will now have to pay Tillie for the privilege of

existing. These fees will go to very important things like Tillie’s huge mansion built after Crabbio Center’s demolition or the Tillie shrine that will replace Chow Center. Additionally, at least one event per month must be dedicated to Tillie and should be filled with dog treats and a mandatory speech about how awesome Tillie is. If clubs don’t meet these requirements, Tillie will, unfortunately, have to pay a visit to each e-board member’s private residence, begging them with her adorable puppy dog eyes to reconsider. Some were so touched by this act of cuteness that they decided to move to a farm. The students asked for zero contact because they are too busy with farmwork and perfecting their statue of Tillie. If you discount the negative ratings, Tillie had a 120% approval rate, a record high for faculty, especially for someone as new as her. Some comments mentioned how grateful they are for Tillie’s leadership and how Tillie even visits their

families to make sure that they are doing well. “Oh yeah, I love Tillie,” one anonymous student said while petting Tillie. “She’s so amazing, and I love paying thousands of dollars in tuition to support her. I remember when my club had actual events related to our interests, but who needs that?” they laughed. “Tillie is just far more important than my future career.” In fact, Tillie had done such a good job as Dean of Students that she was promoted to Stevens’ President after the previous president’s strange disappearance. “Bark bark woof woof bark,” said Tillie during her second interview. She was making a bold fashion statement by wearing a dog-sized crown complete with new splatters of red on her fur. “Woof woof woof.” As someone who totally knows what Tillie is saying, Tillie is saddened by Narfarvar’s absence and hopes that she will live up to his legacy. She noted that her term as president is an exciting new step for her quest in world domination.

“Bark bark,” Tillie concluded, which I hope are words of wisdom ok, why am I writing this article? I can’t translate whatever Tillie is saying, and

whatever bribe money I get paid isn’t enough to justi- Tillie, how did you find out where I live? Tillie, is that a knife? Tillie, please don’t do th-

GRAPHIC COURTESY OF TIANNA SPITZ

Atilla V.S. Tillie Battle Royale

Campus staff and you like them apples? Hate to tune and fate. faculty to be phased by sean palermo, burst your bubble, but I think The silence gave Attila more stuper if singing lions are a thing, then time to become lost in thought. out in favor of therapy dogs On Friday, March 27, some- a duck and dog talking isn’t Swaying trees produced a calm-

thing absolutely wild happened. Listen here pal, because I’ve got quite the story to tell. So like, ok, you know Attila (the duck) and Tillie (the dog), right? Well you better or golly gosh gee I’m not sure what to tell you. Anyway, yeah so last Friday. You wouldn’t believe it, but they high-key played Fortnite. Now, I can already hear you: “Oh get a load of this guy, a duck and dog can’t play Fortnite — you’re already on some thin ice buster.” To that, I say I’ve about had it up to here with your comments, so let me just tell this story. So they were playing, you know, like the regular battle royale mode with 100 players and Attila and Tillie both dropped in the infamous drop location, Tilted Towers. I should just preface that these two players are absolute menaces at this game — I mean the fact you doubted that they’d played Fortnite at all is crazy because holy cow! With that said, it’s no surprise that they just dominated there, so they were the only ones left in the drop. Yeah, and when they came across each other, Attila was like, “Why I oughta” and Tillie was like, “Hold your horses, you’re barking (hah) up the wrong tree,” and so they decided not to duel just yet and split. For Pete’s sake, and there you go again, I can already hear the “Nice try, pal, but ducks and dogs can’t talk, either.” Okay, well, watch it Einstein, because NEWSFLASH, they found lions singing with perfect human vocals in the live action The Lion King, so how do

that far of a stretch of the imagination. Anyway, so yeah, a lot of the bulk of the game wasn’t that interesting, but all you need to know is that these two separately just really handed it to these whippersnappers. By now, the storm circle was pretty small, and for the first time since the fabled Tilted Towers, Attila and Tillie came across each other. When they saw each other, Attila bodaciously said, “You mess with the bull, you get the horns” and Tillie was like “Ohhhhh BROTHER, well look what the cat dragged in. I’m going to give you a piece of my mind.” As they expertly ducked behind walls and approached each other, the banter continued. Tillie threw out a “Check yourself before you riggidy-wreck yourself,” and Attila was like “You can say THAT again.” The gameplay continued. Tillie eventually got the first strike, beaming Attila from the top of a building and breaking shield. When this happened, Attila was like, “What the flip? That tears it!,” to which Tillie was like, “Well THAT just happened.” Suddenly, Attila felt a strong burning sensation — a desperate, growing will to survive. Quickly ducking. Reloading. Peeking past the wall. A deep horror began to settle in as Attila recognized Tillie had since disappeared into the mist of the breeze. It was already beyond apparent that this was much more than a game — a mere brief pondering revealed as clear as the beaming sky that this was less a battle of entertainment than one of for-

ing oasis in the desert of stress and contempt. Yet, in a world dominated by a thrill to be the last soul alive, could true peace ever exist? True, the victor would free themselves from the shackles of pain and anxiety — the need to fight for the next day. However, is peace truly an infinite absence of all worries, or instead the brief moments of idle, satisfactory joy? Can the idea of peace exist without its counter — emerging in a vacuum as the opposite of a facet of life whose heart is no longer still beating? The one who finds themselves atop the hill of pride and joy would be remembered only by time as all other bodies lie forever resting, void of any set of eyes to fold in a hesitant, pensive smile before they one day pass on themselves beyond the plane of pure serenity. Then Attila was like, “Erm, she’s right behind me, isn’t she?” as Tillie won and hit the griddy.

by matthew soltys, mad scientist Snevets, ranked as the number one university worldwide in innovation by The St*pe, is once again at the frontier of advancement. The school filled large departmental vacancies last year with therapy dogs. Pleasantly surprised by the results, a testing phase is currently underway to slot in more therapy dogs in place of faculty and staff. Sources say that this unique idea was first concocted after executives walked into Crabbabbio Atrium and happened to see numerous therapy dogs. It was not long after this that those puppies were instated for a highly varying slate of positions, ranging from the C-suite to campus facilities. Sources added that the executives may have been influenced by the free pizza and the puppies’ undeniable cuteness. With close to a full semester having elapsed since the hiring process began, Snevets is reportedly elated with the effect on campus. Productivity across all administrative departments is up 78%. Sales at the bookstore are up 582% following the introduction of dog-related apparel and merchandise. In an anonymous survey conducted with 1000+ students, over 115% reported “overwhelming satisfaction” regarding their student experience this semester, including classes, extracurriculars, and campus life. As such, the administration is looking to further increase the dog-to-human ratio on campus. One path being trialed is the addition of puppies as teaching professors. For the remainder of the semester, comfort dogs will be taking over sections of Multivariable Calculus, General Chemistry II, and Data Structures. This decision was made based on a study conducted showing that

the training therapy dogs receive may correlate directly to the skills required to teach high-level college courses. The study sought to compare student outcomes in classes taught by highly-qualified instructors with decades of teaching experience versus those taught by certified therapy dogs. Researchers spent years developing a proprietary metric aptly named GRI (Golden Retriever Index) that factors in homework and exam scores, student serotonin levels, and tail-wag frequency. At the end of the semester-long study, classes taught by therapy dogs had a 72% higher average GRI than those taught by qualified professors. The authors are still working to understand how these results are possible, currently attributing it to revolutionary “nonverbal techniques” and the lack of traditional content delivery in favor of “good vibes.” With nothing but positive results, it has led to believe that Snevets will continue to expand this therapy dog program. There are hopes to get teaching dogs into more advanced classes, such as Quantum Mechanics and Molecular Genetics. The administration is also acting on another study suggesting that replacing campus police with comfort dogs may improve the overall well-being of students. As such, security will slowly be phased out in favor of therapy dogs that will roam campus 24/7, 365 days a week. Sources commented that there are internal hopes to have 75% of the Snevets payroll as comfort dogs by 2029. Tillie has also been promoted to a new permanent position, CPO (Chief Puppy Officer). She was happy to respond when asked for comment on what she hopes to accomplish in this role. “Woof woof woof? Woof woof. Woof woof woof woof!”

GRAPHIC COURTESY OF TIANNA SPITZ

Monday, April 6

THE INFAMOUS MAN BEHIND THE ST*TE by anthony curcio-petraccoro, stuper In an organization inherently dominated by women, one man stands to persevere and fight against society’s confines. Known as a local legend on campus, that man is none other than Itai Geller. If you are an avid follower of our publication, you may have caught the recent clip everyone’s been talking about: An article about “The Women Behind The St*te,” with a menacing man lurking in the background. While I picked up on the article’s empowering story of women excelling in influential positions around Snevets campus, I couldn’t help but think, “Who is that guy on the cover?!?” Now you may be asking yourself, “How can you call him a local legend on campus if YOU don’t even know who he is?” Relax… I’m getting to that part. Following the initial release of the article, I was completely enamored by his presence. I couldn’t help but stand, awestruck, by his enchanting, intimidating aura. His existence was unfamiliar to me, so I went looking for answers. I started asking questions around campus. With the latest edition of The St*te in hand, I approached people, pointed to his face, and asked, “Do you know who this man is?” To my surprise, it appeared just about everyone had.

The first response I got was, “Hey, I know that guy! He’s the coolest guy on campus!” Later, I got, “I know him! He’s awesome!” Someone even exclaimed, “That man rushed into a burning building to save my cat!” While I was uncovering the true origin stories of this hero, I had yet to pin down a name. Feeling hopeless, I turned to the only comforting place I’d known: the second-floor library lounge. In a last-ditch attempt to find the man with all the answers, I ran into Deep Shah, who said, “What’s goodie, my guy. That’s Itai Geller.” Finally! A name to the face. While he had only been aggrandized in my mind up to this point, it took the one and only Deep Shah to reveal his true identity. Now that his identity had been revealed, I sought to meet him. Through my recent quest, I learned that he’s a full-fledged member of SigEp. So, in an effort to make his acquaintance, I stood outside the red door for what felt like an eternity until he finally emerged, donning his favorite green sweater. We got to chatting, and I quickly realized just how true all those accounts really were. He really is awesome. He really is the coolest guy on campus. He may have rushed into a burning building to save a cat (that part is still undetermined). It took me some time to

Team USA dominates in reel scrolling competition at Milano Cortina 2026 by camryn winant, money launderer Five gold medals in ski and snowboarding, two in luge, one for bobsledding, two for figure skating, and two for ice hockey. All for Team USA in the Milano Cortina 2026 Olympics. This set a record for them for the most gold medals won in a single Winter Olympics. This is an extremely impressive feat for Team USA and an important milestone in our history. When you look up “Team U Winter Olympics,” Google will point out the 12 gold medals and even highlight the same events listed above. But you’ll never see anything about the Olympic reel-scrolling competition that was hosted on February 4, 2026, well before the Olympic Opening Ceremony that was hosted on February 6. It was a small, quick, and niche event that was easy to miss if you were not heavily locked into watching every event of every day of the Olympics. The Team USA Olympic Orientation Camp for the reel scrolling event ran from August 26, 2025, to August 27, where 20 potential athletes were invited. An ISO (in search of) for the athletes was posted to the official Team USA Olympic Instagram account, which gave the opportunity for anyone to send in a tryout. From there, the 20 athletes were chosen and invited to orientation camp, where they were then reduced to just five athletes. Those five were sent to Italy only six months later to then represent their country by using their extraordinary skills of reel scrolling. We saw one athlete from Team USA finish with bronze— just another small detail going unaddressed by the mass media—but then we also got to watch another athlete from Team USA finish with gold, scrolling through the 1,000

reels in a little above a minute. That makes it about 16 reels per second (a record your average bed-rotting teen could easily beat). The two medalling athletes did a marginal amount of postgame media, but most of it was wiped from the internet due to discourse on reel scrolling “not being a real sport.” Yes, the Olympics ended over a month ago, and the reel scrolling event was almost two months ago. However, the reel scrolling discourse has opened back up again after a recent quote from the gold medal winner saying, “I’m trying to get the phone. Like, that’s bull**** that the Reel Scrolling Hall of Fame has it, in my opinion. Why would they have that phone?” Despite the heavy discourse circulating on Instagram, TikTok, and even X, the additional gold medal marks a huge milestone for the USA in sports history, and it is something that should be recognized and celebrated.

PHOTO COURTESY OF @_JEE_MASTER_

PHOTO COURTESY OF MARCUS HOM

come full circle, but the realization had finally dawned on me. The reason Itai Geller is the only man on The St*te Board is because of his great-

ness, not his looming nature. No man dares contest a seat on the board if he must face Itai Geller. It’d be a death sentence!

So, if you’re wondering why there’s only one man on The St*te Board… now you know. It’s not a coincidence. It’s Itai Geller.

Snevets to bring PE requirement by tanya avadia, og chair of chairs Snevets announced earlier this week on April 1, 2026 that the university was reinstating its physical education (PE) requirements that it previously let go of back in 2022. This comes as a result of alarming statistics showcasing how the prevalent use of AI can weaken the muscles of the brain. This can have catastrophic consequences in an academic environment, especially one that is as demanding as the tech-based curriculum here and tank the rankings. As a result, the university is reinforcing a mandatory PE requirement for all incoming and returning students where they would have to register for a minimum of one PE course a semester to fulfill graduation requirements. However, this change is also being implemented during a time of financial constraints and budget cuts, so the PE course offerings will look a little different than previous years. The following is a list of some upcoming courses students for PE:

Swimming 101: Similar to other prestigious colleges such as Columbia or MIT, Snevets will be bringing back the swim test. However, due to budget cuts, the school is currently unable to fill the Schaefer pool with water so students will pass their swimming tests by swimming across the Hudson River. For beginner swimmers, instruction will be offered only when there is significant rain for there to be flooding on campus to create a puddle large enough to hold class. Running with Tille 4126: For those passionate about running or interested in running, this course will take place in the athletic field during Tille’s snack time. Each runner will have a dog treat on them, and Tille will be unleashed, (quite literally) enabling even the slowest of runners to gain momentum and run fast. Stairmaster 1000: Students enrolled in this course will be barred from the use of any and all campus elevators. Instead they will successfully complete this course by taking the stairs across campus. For example,

if you live on the 18th floor of “The Towers,” just climb the stairs every time to meet the requirement. In addition to the listed courses, more will be made available closer to the start of the next academic year. The university has also outlined some rules and exceptions for the PE requirement. Athletes are excused from this requirement as long as they win the highest possible tournament in their sport. Computer Science students are also excused from this requirement due to concerns of odor from making students who already don’t shower participate in intense physical activities. Lastly, Snevets is also creating a hiring committee in order to search for the person who would be the head of the PE department. Composed of faculty, staff, and one student, students are encouraged to apply to be part of the hiring committee by beating Attila in arm wrestling. Applicants will be evaluated on their speed, technique, and strength against Attila. Students can apply using this link.

Monday April 6

For You Page Khoda lives on hidden Hudson River island

Business school launches In the past, The Stupe men- of all of this. “Learning Your ABCs” course by Prisha Vagvala, One can only assume that on tioned the idea of a secret lair the specialist on Babby Patty, and drew anal- this completely hypothetical is- to strengthen core skills Who lives on a secret island ogies to The Twelve Dancing land, Khoda members lounge in

on the Hudson? Khoda! As we said the super secret name out loud, one that’s totally not listed on DuckLink, the clamor in The Stupe GBM grew louder and louder. “Who is Khoda?” many questioned. Let me remind you guys again. Khoda is a leadership honor society whose mission is for members to “use their networks to connect with various organizations, leaders, and administration on campus to more successfully address concerns and accomplish initiatives to enhance the quality of student life at Stevens.” Simply put, it’s a group of highly involved students working to make student life better. Although this raises the question: Where exactly is this improvement being discussed?

Princesses to unlock the secret stairwell to a lair. Khoda could possibly have a lair, but why stop there when they can have something just a bit more dramatic for the monumental difference they are making on campus? Perhaps something off campus, somewhere quiet, isolated, and exclusive. Like an island in the Hudson far, far away, where they discuss meaningful conversations about student life, leadership, and the future of campus, it only makes sense that they have it in a secluded area away from campus itself. And of course, these conversations probably include Snevets’ favorite topic: AI. How students navigate it, how it is developed, how it is used for research, and even researching AI itself. Naturally, Khoda has to stay on top

cozy redwood chairs in a study room, planning how to train state-of-the-art AI systems while discussing ways to help students keep the school ahead in the great AI race, or maybe they are completely against AI. Who knows? And of course, they have these life-changing conversations in their super secret observatory on the island, debating which programs get more funding, how new initiatives should be rolled out, and which voices are included in important decisions on campus. I don’t know what they talk about, but I do beg them to please address one pressing issue: getting better food on campus. If we are supposed to fuel the school’s AI mission, surviving on Yella’s burgers and Tu Taco quesadillas is getting really hard.

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t s e u g . ft by e c n a r appea nny u b d a b

Cheese tier list by Sofia Stoeckel, stuper Cheese, one of the best dairy products there is, with a multitude of flavors and textures, is truly a sublime experience to taste them all. There are so many cheese connoisseurs worldwide, but this is a unique Stupe cheese tier list, ranking 13 different types of cheeses, some of them basic, but some of them a bit fancier. Starting in the first tier, aptly named “Best of the Best,” showcases the two best cheeses on this list. The first in this category (they are not ordered within the tiers) is the timeless Kraft Single. Common, but still nostalgic, and a signature in grilled cheeses nationwide (unsure how common this cheese is outside of the U.S.). The second in this category is queso fresco, a much less-known cheese, but a staple of my home growing up. It is soft, crumbly, melts in your mouth, and is great to just take a chunk out of and bite into. The second tier (and the largest tier), cheeses that are still good but fail to meet the highest criteria, starts with another classic, cheddar cheese. Common on many charcuterie boards, cheddar belongs any-

where, fancy or mundane, and is another classic. You can do almost anything with cheddar. The second in this category is Parmesan cheese, a typical sidekick to most pastas, and it is sharp and flavorful. The third in this tier is one that goes amazingly with bagels: cream cheese. Creamy and smooth, it perfectly complements the toastiness and warmth of any bagel, and is always comforting early in the morning. The fourth cheese, blue cheese, is not a favorite of many people with its pungent smell (because of the edible molds it’s flavored with), but it is still a delectable treat that goes with many crackers. The fifth and final cheese in this lineup is goat cheese. It is not a very extensively enjoyed cheese, but a hidden treat for those who go out of their way in the grocery store to get it. The third cheese tier is for cheeses that are just fine, but not something I would go out of my way for. The first of these is Swiss cheese, which is the cheese that always showed up in those cartoons, with its classic holes. It’s a decent cheese, even if it’s not for everyone, with a not-too-distinct flavor that can sometimes be confused with other cheeses if you’re not too

familiar with the flavors. The second cheese in this tier is a fiery classic, Pepper Jack. The peppers in it give it a shock of spicy flavor, really well-known, but also not for everyone. The final cheese in this group is the brie cheese, with its distinct look of red wax around it. As it ages, its flavor profile almost completely changes, from mild and sweet to sharp and full. The second-to-last tier, the “Meh” tier, shows cheeses that fall below the other cheeses, for one reason or another. The first one in this tier is the lesser-known version of mozzarella, and depending on how it’s made, it can be bland, or almost bitter, and sometimes wet (for who knows what reason). The second one in this category is Easy Cheese, a saltier version of American cheese, all in one convenient spray of some sort (if it can be called that). One of its positives is that it looks fun to spray, though. The final tier only holds one cheese, possibly the worst cheese of all time, and a huge hot take. This cheese is string cheese, somehow a worse and saltier version of the classic wet mozzarella, but a childhood classic for many, which can be appreciated.

PHOTO COURTESY OF STEVENS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY

by Réka Weinacht, new stuper Starting in Fall 2026, the Snevets School of Business (SSB) will incorporate a new course into its curriculum: “Learning Your ABCs.” It aligns with President Narfarvar’s 10year strategic plan for Snevets: the new 2032 plan titled Inspired by Humanity, Powered by Technology. One of its key initiatives is Student Success, and the leading faculty of the School of Business has decided to take this initiative into its own hands. The course will be available to all first- and second-year students in the SSB, but will be required for students majoring in Business and Technology, Economics, Finance, Management, and Marketing Innovation and Analytics. The course material will focus mainly on letter recognition (uppercase and lowercase), phonics, and print awareness. If time permits, an arithmetic foundation will also be introduced, including counting, ordering, and place value of numbers. When asked how he thinks this will impact the SSB’s curriculum, Jason Gerke— currently a third-year physics student—commented, “I hope this will finally help the business school get past assignments centered on coloring books and lead the way to further success. I also hope that this new initiative doesn’t end with just the alphabet, as at least a basic

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understanding of how to read is important for meaningful work in the finance sector.” Though some have raised concerns that the course may be a waste of time or an unnecessary addition, SSB faculty believe that the importance of strengthening core skills cannot be overstated. Many classes offered by the SSB require background knowledge of things like the alphabet, spelling, and basic arithmetic. These are exactly the kinds of things that will be covered in the new course, and the hope is that it will propel students forward on a path to success in the financial sector. Faculty from other departments have been supportive of the new initiative; Professor Martini from the Department of Physics, who is also the Associate Dean for Graduate Studies, said, “I hope it will have a strong result. I also hope they will have extension courses to get them all the way to the letter Z.” Core skills like the alphabet are especially important for students who choose to pursue graduate studies, such as a Master’s in Business Administration or a Master’s in Finance or Management. Leadership is optimistic about the new Student Success initiative, and business students are encouraged to reach out to faculty anytime over the summer or during the semester for support in approaching this new challenge.

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Friday, April 3

Pseudoscience Not touching grass leads to cancer by josephine choong, excel-errator In 1987, Snevets’ founder famously gave a speech about the benefits of not touching grass, claiming that grass was a disgrace to everything they stood for. Since then, Snevets’ students have dedicated their lives to the pursuit that not a single blade of grass should be touched. However, new research indicated that this strange commitment may not be the healthiest lifestyle choice. Professor Ast Rickley’s recent study discovered that the lack of grass exposure may lead to side effects like coughing, sore throat, and cancer. The study consisted of 1,028

Snevets students who hadn’t gone outside in the past month and were contacted through their Skype accounts. Throughout this long-term study, participants answered questions like “Have you seen the sun in the last week?” “Do you know what a park is?” and “Does your doctor think you need more vitamin D?” After the 17-yearlong observation concluded, out of the 1,028 students, 1,027 had reported they had some type of cancer. From his hospital bed, the last student denied having cancer and that his current condition was simply a result of grinding too hard on LinkedIn connections. Rickley, a teaching assistant professor from the Computer

Science department, started this research because he noticed that throughout the years, every single student he interacted with had cancer. While Rickley noted that Snevets students are often strangers to sleep, internships, and love, he urges students not to be strangers to grass. “I got to make everyone understand that touching grass is a necessity,” he said frantically. “I don’t get why these students are fully committed to this weird bit. And don’t get me started on the faculty. I’ve known Narfarvar for so long, but I’m not certain he even knows what a tree is.” However, the backlash from Snevets’ students was extreme-

ly severe. Many noted that it was a time-honored tradition, and their acceptance to Snevets was dependent on it. One of the Common App questions specifically mentioned that you must not have touched grass since elementary school. One student in particular claimed that there was no easily accessible way to do so because of the lack of lawns and parks nearby. “Besides, that professor is probably lying,” the student said. “I read a newspaper graphic where touching grass actually leads to cancer, and because that fits my worldview, that’s the truth I’m going with.” In response to the backlash, Rickley remarked, “Why would I lie about this? My intention

wasn’t to hurt students but to make them aware of the potential health risks. Don’t tell me that you are too blind to see this epidemic that’s happening.” In an effort to reduce the cancer risk, Rickley began having homework assignments where the objective was to find the nearest lawn and stand on it for a minute. Unfortunately, not a single student managed to turn it in, despite the assignment being worth 49% of their grade. “I’m not going to give up on these students, and I’m certainly not going to let them down. These students have a bright future ahead, and I won’t desert my quest in making them touch grass.”

PHOTO COURTESY OF SUSTAINABLEBADDIE.COM

Snow mountains to stay until 2027 by fiona shi, former money launderer Earlier this year, Bohoken was hit with a historic winter storm, leaving over 20 inches of snow around the city. City officials quickly began one of the largest snow removal operations in recent years, leaving large snow piles in remote areas for residents to find. After a few weeks of persistent below-freezing temperatures, the sun finally peered through, and the snow slowly disappeared. At Snevets, however, the snow mountains have remained, and The Stupe has set out to discover why. It turns out, apparently, the plows utilized this winter were made of a special material called Vibralloy, and the repetitive scraping motion of the shovel blade against the snow generated a precise frequency of mechanical vibration that fundamentally reorganized the hydrogen bonding network within the ice crystals. As a result, the shovel induced a phase transition into a rare meta-

stable polymorph of ice, tentatively classified as Ice-XIX, or what the team is informally calling “Shovel Ice.” Unlike conventional ice, which melts at 32°F under standard atmospheric pressure, Ice-XIX has a dramatically elevated melting point of approximately 120°F that slowly lowers as time goes by. The altered crystal structure, characterized by an anomalously rigid tetrahedral hydrogen bond geometry, means the snowpack is essentially immune to the current temperatures. It is projected that the melting point will reach 90°F by mid-July and 60°F by mid-October. By early 2027, we can say goodbye to “Shovel Ice.” This also explains the failure of Snevets’ repeated de-icing efforts since March. Conventional road salt lowers the freezing point of water by disrupting ion interactions at the ice surface. Ice-XIX’s tighter lattice structure, however, presents a surface area roughly 40% less permeable to ionic infiltration, meaning the salt sim-

ply sits on top, doing nothing, in what researchers are describing as “a thermodynamic standoff.” Facilities have reportedly gone through 670 pounds of salt since February. The piles haven’t gotten the hint. Environmental science professors are reportedly thrilled. “What we’re seeing here is genuinely unprecedented,” said Dr. Margarita Narfarvar, who has submitted a grant proposal to study the microbiome developing inside Pile No. 3, located on Palm Tree Lawn. “There are layers in there dating back to February 4. We’ve found a Chipotle bag, three dining hall plates, and what appears to be a Snevets mug we thought we lost in 2019.” There has since been an additional barrier placed around Pile No. 3, and students are asked to remain at least 15 feet away “out of an abundance of caution.” No further explanation was provided. When reached for comment, a spokesperson from Snevets Facilities Management issued a brief written statement: “The university is

aware of the snow piles, their emerging friends, and is monitoring the situation. Students

and faculty are advised to plan their routes accordingly.”

PHOTO COURTESY OF PATCH.COM

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Friday, April 3

Pseudoscience Scientists turn plastic into vanilla flavoring

Clavicular under observation ers have already developed perception of plastic being a by disha gohil, mutant enzymes to break down problematic waste and instead by Stevens Biomedical mad scientist the polyethylene terephthalate demonstrates its use as a new Scientists from the Univer- (PET) polymer used for plastic carbon resource from which Engineering Department sity of Edinburgh have been able to tackle plastic pollution by converting plastic into Vanillin, the primary component responsible for vanilla’s flavor. Plastic bottles are one of the main contributors to plastic pollution since they take a very long time to decompose, ranging from 450 to 1000 years in landfills. Even after that, they do not disappear but instead break down into smaller pieces until they are microplastics. In terms of aquatic ecosystems, every year, 19 to 23 million tonnes of plastic waste pollute lakes, rivers, and seas. To combat this, scientists from the University of Edinburgh developed a way to utilize these plastics. Research-

bottles into their basic components, known as terephthalic acid (TA). The team genetically engineered E. coli bacteria to transform TA into Vanillin. The scientists warmed a microbial broth to 37 degrees Celsius for a day, which was able to convert 79% of the TA into Vanillin. Joanna Sadler of the University of Edinburgh, who conducted the work, said, “This is the first example of using a biological system to upcycle plastic waste into a valuable industrial chemical, and it has very exciting implications for the circular economy.” Stephen Wallace, also of the University of Edinburgh, said, “Our work challenges the

high-value products can be made.” Vanillin is commonly used in the food and cosmetics industries and is an important chemical used to make cleaning products and herbicides. With this work, the production of Vanillin will increase while also decreasing the amount of plastic waste entering landfills and ecosystems. Ellis Crawford from the Royal Society of Chemistry said, “This is a really interesting use of microbial science to improve sustainability. Using microbes to turn waste plastics, which are harmful to the environment, into an important commodity is a beautiful demonstration of green chemistry.”

PHOTO COURTESY OF REDDIT.COM PHOTO COURTESY OF THE NEW YORK TIMES AND TIMES OF INDIA

by amelie dela cruz, stuter If you’ve ever considered taking excessive amounts of steroids and hormones, smashing your facial bones, and becoming infertile in the name of beauty, chances are you’re inspired by Clavicular, a popular looksmaxxing influencer. Braden Eric Peters is a growing creator in the manosphere known for promoting the looksmaxxing lifestyle, in which young men, in particular, will use any means possible to optimize their physical features. He has gained immense popularity due to his unconventional methods and association with controversial figures. Peters, a Bohoken native, is set to come to Snevets for observation by the Biomedical Engineering Department. Snevets students will have a special opportunity to not just meet, but also study Peters as he implements his unique means to beauty. “Science never crossed my mind when I started looksmaxxing. I just wanted to look like a FaceApp filter,” shared Peters in a press release regarding the Snevets program. Students will be able to study a variety of Clavicular’s tactics and their biological, chemical, and physical bases. The BME department, with its large range of expertise, will focus on rehabilitation and tissue engineering to repair damage made by those who participated in looksmaxxing. Although people like Clavicular may not be open to rehabilitation in this sense, the research will provide valuable tools and information for the future. The main biochemical looksmaxxing method being studied is prolonged steroid usage. Anabolic steroids are typically used to create the effect of larger muscles, but prolonged usage has been shown to reduce sperm count to critically low levels, rendering the user infertile. Clavicular has admitted that he is, in fact, infertile, and that his body does not produce any of its own testosterone. Beyond infertility, these anabolic steroids can decrease

all reproductive hormone levels, and these hormone fluctuations can cause depressive symptoms, fatigue, and a wide range of related symptoms. BME students, in collaboration with the Department of Chemistry, Chemical Biology, and Biology, are working to understand amplified testosterone input and how the body adjusts to it. By far, Clavicular’s most notorious looksmaxxing tactic is bonesmashing, where participants will use a hammer or their fist to smash their facial bones. The desired effect of this process is to create a generally more chiseled look, but this is obviously quite dangerous and not endorsed by any doctors. In studying Clavicular’s case, BME students and professors have hypothesized that bonesmashing has long-lasting neurological effects in addition to physical pain and prominent jawlines as short-term effects. While they are still in the experimental design phase, the team aims to use their research to create educational and preventative resources urging prospective looksmaxxers to back down from this bonesmashing. “I hope the main thing that Snevets kids learn from studying Clavicular is that fixing your chopped-ness is not worth this long-term damage to your body,” said one student on the bonesmashing branch of this program. Future plans for this program will expand to the School of Humanities, Arts, and Social Sciences. Peters has requested to be the sole model for a special four-credit advanced figure drawing course, citing the intricacies of his optimal human build as the reason for an extra credit hour. The Visual Arts Department has declined this request, but the Science, Technology, and Society Department would like its students to dissect the role of misogyny in his personal journey and rise to fame. Overall, Clavicular is an interdisciplinary case study bridging biomedicine, chemistry, engineering, and social sciences.

Monday, April 6

FACTS! THE STUTE EDITORIAL

The EIC you think you know On Friday, April 3, a body was recovered from the Hudson River. FDNY maneuvered the extraction, and the Hoboken homicide unit began its investigation at the pier. The recovery

was unknowingly an anniversary for the death and rebirth of the victim, a Snevets student who contributed to the campus newspaper as Editor-in-Chief, Giya Dressingonit. This was not

the Dressingonit that had led countless meetings, events, and served as the friendly face of The St*te for two semesters. Initially presumed missing, Dressingonit was confirmed to have drowned with suspected foul play at hand, leaving friends, family, and club members to question who or what they’ve been trusting as their President. There’s the dead Dressingonit and the living… or at least the “walking” until we know if this thing is alive. The morning following the investigation began, the living Dressingonit had disappeared. A covert operation tracing back to their last coffee order, last Pierce dining hall sighting, and their last text message led me to a trail of nuts and bolts in the MakerSpace and only more questions. The rem-

MIND OF A FRESHMAN

BY ROBERT JACK DIETRICH ‘29 AND CLAIRE DEANS ‘29 Note: Jack slept through his deadline this week and was unreachable. Thus, Claire has gone through his drive and turned an old draft into a Mad Lib in place of a normal article. Prior to spring break, most Blankets decided to give their midterm examinations to their students. All around me, I saw my friends huddled around signs reviewing mugs or sitting silently in Davis Hall, slowly rocking back and forth muttering about Tampa Bay. This was wildly different from me however. I switched my major at the end from Psychology to Music and Technology (M&T). Now since I switched midway through the year, my schedule looks a little purple to most second semester M&T students. We have a bunch of frogs that are fall semester only, meaning my schedule for this semester is underloaded and next semester will be lemon-like. So, I’d like to take you through my life on the

-Managing Editor

Tianna Spitz ‘27

Managing Editor

SENIORITIS

Midterm Mad Libs

begotten week before spring break to provide a glimpse on what a program transfer’s first midterms look like. Monday, March 9th Usually, I would have ASS-105 in the morning but our midterm wasn’t until Wednesday so I got to sleep in till 10:30ish. After I woke up I showered and went to my second class, ASS-103. Our assignment for today was to work in groups and make our carrots sound as cold as possible using our dresses. Afterwards, I went to the UCC and watched my friend Lauren sweat over her upcoming cheese exam. Tuesday, March 10th Today, I had three classes. First was my MGT-103 (fuckass buisness class) lecture where I dozed off as we had our midterm exam two weeks ago. Afterwards I grabbed some lunch and headed to my MA-126 lecture where we listened to music by Terry Crews in preparation for our exam on Thursday. Later in the day I had my MGT-103 lab where I made pajama pants to test different sorting algorithms. Wednesday, March 11th Today was the day of my ASS-105 midterm. It was an ugly conversation with Professor Jack about some of the Ibuprofen we had been using throughout the semester. I talked about the beauty of the phrase “It takes two to tango” and was out of there within 10 minutes. I spent the rest of

nants of what had been operating as our Editor-in-Chief ever since last April lay as metallic pieces in a dark and scattered Ph.D. office that housed power tools and bare wiring. Competent hands intentionally dismantled the shell of a machine that now stared idly at the four corners of the office, smoothing fingerprints and biomarkers that once passed as human life. A single SD chip reader remained empty — the “life source”. Mind racing as memories and interactions with this machine I’ve come to know as our EIC flashed before my eyes, I turned to get out of the office, and the words “I will be back” loomed back at me from the flickering computer screens.

My true calling the day practicing Oboe and listening to slippery music to prepare for my midterm tomorrow. Thursday, March 12th I decided to skip my MGT-103 lecture today and instead continued to study for my MA126 midterm. I reviewed my beavers and tried to memorize who composed what note. After spending the morning studying, I grabbed a Green Bean Casserole from the UCC and went to take my exam. An hour and a half later, I had finished my exam and I grabbed some Gnocchi Alla Baba from Pierce. I ended the day by watching a Chocolate Panda to wind down. Friday, March 13th It was friday and once again, I only had one class. I slept in and grabbed some Chocolate Strawberries for breakfast. Afterwards I spent 3 hours practicing the Oboe in preparation for my midterm later that day. I caught up with some Lint Rollers in the UCC who were panic-studying for their final midterm of the week. After watching them sweat I went to my piano lesson and showed Professor Jack how I had progressed in the last week. Once we finished, I went back to Burchard Hall, packed up my candles and waited for my sister to pick me up to go home for spring break. So there you have it, midterms as a new M&T major. Although it wasn’t the most sweet week of my life, it was a week nonetheless.

BY ABBY THOMAS ‘26 As most of you know, I am graduating in May. Yup, a senior writing the senioritis column… groundbreaking. But most of you knew that by reading this column every week, flipping between myself and Anna as we yap about life and stuff. I actually have some really exciting news though. I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life after college. I am pleased to announce that I decided to switch my major to AI. I know that this will add four years to my undergraduate degree, but what can I say? I love Snevets! I just want to stay here longer because I just love it so much. Artificial intelligence is my true calling, and it has given me a voice. Much more than that, it has given me real friends. Well, not real, but you know what I mean. If you know anything about me, you know how much I love Big Technology and AI. Like when someone thinks “Hey, what does Abby Thomas love?” everyone’s mind immediately goes to “Artificial intelligence! Fake robot that can con-

COMIC CORNER BY BROOKE NAGURKA

trol your mind! Computers and the negative influence of Big Tech on emotional availability!” It’s classic me. As I said before, I know this will add four more years to my undergrad, but I believe this is still the best option for me. I get to stay at Snevets longer, and I get to do what I truly love. I will be graduating in 2030. I’ll only be slightly older than my peers, but I don’t think anyone will truly notice. I will be a 25 year old senior. I don’t think that is too far off, right? I mean some people stay in undergrad way too long anyways and try to live out those college days just a little longer — you know who you are! I’m excited for this next chapter! It is my ultimate dream to sit in front of my computer for 15 hours, soaking in the blue light and melting my mind with a little

robot designed to steal every job and opportunity away from real humans until our entire world is controlled by metal monsters that we bred and trained. I hope one day we can see artificial intelligence blended into every aspect of our lives. Eventually, I hope to see AI replace everyone in every job and make all of us unemployed. And before I finish this article, I desperately need to share that this is all satire. I will not be staying at Snevets after May 20th, 2026. I will be graduating with my degree in Quantitative Social Science and hopefully contribute to the mental health space. I do not love Big Tech, and I will forever try to dismantle the reliance young people have on it in every aspect, especially emotional availability. Long Live Human Interaction! Down with AI!!!! Happy April Fools.

PHOTO COURTESY OF TENOR

Monday, April 6

BOOK OF THE WEEK

FACTS!

Exploring philosophy in The Trial

BY CHRISTINA THOMAS ‘26 The Trial by Franz Kafka follows Josef K., a bank officer who is arrested out of nowhere in his hotel room and has to try to defend himself against charges that are unknown to him. When he

gets arrested, he is not allowed to know why, so he must attempt to figure it out as the pressure rises around him. The Trial is focused on the idea of philosophy and how we can justify, rationalize, or understand what is happening around us. The element of mystery and tension in the beginning of the novel is palpable and works really well. Josef K., after being labeled as “under arrest,” is still allowed to live his life normally, so he just pretends like this arrest never happened. However, as the story continues

on, he realizes that he cannot just pretend. The story itself is very bleak but compelling, and the utilization of this trial is a perfect tool to explore the philosophical ideas of judgement and an interesting look into nihilism. As the story progresses, and Josef is being called into questioning for an unknown crime, you feel the anxiety coming from him and into you. Kafka uses suspense in an interesting way by having the reader know as little as the character into what it is they could have been arrested for. Without an answer to be found, you

are faced with the decisions Josef had: to pursue it or ignore it. The novel itself is not clear as to whether this is supposed to be a warning, a cautionary tale, or a prophecy for the future, and that makes the story more compelling. The closer the story seems to be to our reality, the more impactful the novel is. This novel is considered a classic, and it is obvious why when you start reading. The story itself is timeless and becomes more and more meaningful as you read. The Trial was originally published in 1914,

but even over a hundred years later, the themes are still relevant. This fact makes the overall intention even more interesting, as the true purpose of the text is still a mystery. Something that did stick out to me was how difficult the writing could be. The novel is a translated work, so it is possible my version of the translation was not up to par as other translations, but it was notable. It did not necessarily impact the experience but was a little jarring when I first opened the book and read the first chapter. This

was my first Kafka novel, however, and I think it is a very good introduction into his style of writing. Although his prose is a little difficult to follow, it quickly becomes easy to understand as you continue on. It became easier to absorb what it was he was trying to say and once you got the hang of it, the style became a lot more impactful. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is interested in dipping their toes into classics, especially those who are mostly interested in the philosophical aspects of literature in general.

ON SHUFFLE Music is trying too hard to be artsy, we need more AI

BY VIKTOR PALMER ‘28 Music is one of the worst forms of media, it doesn’t really make any sense. It is just a big performative mess of human emotion… ew. I have really been trying to get into music, but it’s really boring. There are a ton of things about it I don’t really get, like the different subcultures that form because of musical movements or when songs change people’s lives. It’s really all just noise — I find it annoying when people say music means a lot to them. Something that really bothers me is instrumental music. How am I supposed to feel if there are no lyrics to tell me what I am supposed to do? Like let me guess, you’re going to play the guitar?

Boooooohoo. Do something I haven’t seen before (Hendrix and Coltrane, I am talking to you). There is only so much playing an instrument someone can do before it gets really boring. Like I could do that, EASY. It is starting to annoy me a lot. And why is it that lyrics get far too complicated or political? Come on man, I am not trying to acknowledge anything when I observe art, I just want to listen to something relaxing or get lit! Music shouldn’t be about anything, you make yourself look like such a moron when you attach a ridiculous topic to a great party song. I hate when artists use their talents to try and change the world or leave an ongoing message, I am trying to chill. It gets really annoying when music starts movements, like come on bro why are you making it political? Let’s keep the heavy topics out of the music maybe, it really puts guilt on my conscience when I have to hear about our injustices and acknowledge them head on, like these things aren’t really my problem anyway.

If these things bother you too, I have a new idea that I am going to try in the future that will be super awesome: AI slop concerts! If you have ever thought that Jeff Buckley’s vocals were too annoying, or Elliott Smith and Adrienne Lenker’s lyrical painting was too artsy, there is a new remedy for this. We all need

to use MORE AI for our music. Especially concert posters, album covers and lyrics. The human touch on art is getting way too dated, what we really need is a pair of fresh (A)-eyes! DIY concerts are so awful, like why are you so unprofessional? Hand drawn posters or merch from performative jerks just waste time,

why else would generative AI exist if not there to help mass produce crappy PR for bands? No artists are actually trying to make art. Music will never be overconsumed or oversaturated, and it gets really annoying when mid human artists demand money and compensation for their work. That is why AI will

fix the industry, and make it more exciting. No more whiny men or depressed baristas making music for people who want to be sad on purpose. Morale will be booming once the best streaming platform on Earth, Spotify, gets filled with more REAL music, music without the corrupt touch of human art.

lary and various turns of phrase. The last act—the math section—spreads across two sections, a non-calculator and a calculator section. What starts off with easy linear equations quickly spirals to complex trigonometry and calculus that feel less like mathematics and more like a subtle attack. By the end, the protagonist has been drained of the energy they have left, and the director knows it. The central character, the test taker, is the most intricate part of this experience. They arrive overconfident, ready to conquer the test with their two #2 pencils and a graphing calculator. As they progress through the test, the overconfidence wavers and they become a changed person. The rest of the students offer no reassurance. Everyone is suffering. Nobody looks up from their test. It is the loneliest cast of a film ever made. Beneath the surface, the SAT gestures at deeper and difficult themes. It presents itself as a measure of potential, the great equalizer, presented to every

student for a fair shot. What it actually measures is a student’s ability to sit for three hours, to make decisions in time, and not to panic when a person seated nearby flips pages faster than you. Whether this truly predicts success for the future is a question that remains unanswered. But the film doesn’t end with the timer striking zero. Another timer begins to tick. The timer

is waiting for your scores. With scores taking anywhere from two to four weeks to arrive, students wait anxiously for the score that will determine whether they must endure another screening. The College Board offers no updates on what is to come. When the score finally appears, you hear either fanfare or a sad trombone. The number is delivered onscreen without consolation or con-

text. It is the coldest ending in film history. In the end, the SAT is not a test of intelligence. It is about endurance. It asks how long you can hold it together before the second math section finishes you off. As a previous viewer, it is bleak and unrelenting, and exactly how long it takes to break you at the end of it. Four out of ten. Would not recommend. Will never watch it again.

THE THINKING FRAME

SAT: a review

BY VEDHESH ANANDHAN KAMARAJ ‘28 Three parts. One goal. No forgiveness. The SAT comes every year without fail, forcing millions of students across the country into classrooms of endless desks filled with dread in the crack of dawn. There is no character to root for, no plot worth following, and no visuals worth admiring. This film is not for everyone. But unfortunately, everyone needs it. The College Board, as the director of this ruthless film, brings an uncompromising vision to the project. It is a cold approach with no concern for the audience’s emotional experience. The harsh time constraints to the confusing answer choices feel planned and calculated to mislead

the audience. While other directors make films for their audiences, the College Board makes the SAT for their own pleasure. The cinematography of this film deserves its own essay. The setting is sparse and unforgiving. Fluorescent lights, rows of identical desks, sharpened pencils, and a clock that moves slower than any clock in history. It is a masterclass of building fear and anxiety through the environment alone. The production team makes it clear that you are there for one reason and one reason only. You are not here to enjoy yourself. You are here to be measured. The test comes in three acts. It opens with the slow burn of the reading section. The audience is buried with dense passages from the niche 19th-century literary pieces to arguments of city infrastructure. By the halfway point, most viewers have already gotten lost. The supporting cast—the other students in the classroom—are in the same boat. The writing sections involve mind-boggling vocabu-

Monday, April 6

FACTS! HIS HER STEVENS

His Campus: because 70% wasn’t quite enough

In a groundbreaking move that has left absolutely no one surprised, the university has officially announced the launch of His Stevens, a long-overdue counterpart to Her Stevens that aims to spotlight the deeply underrepresented voices of men everywhere, especially at a school where they make up roughly 70% of the population and 112% of the volume in every lecture hall. The new platform promises to cover hard-hitting topics that matter most to male students, such as “Are Dining Hall Portions Big Enough for My Gains?,” “Why Group Projects Are Actually Solo Projects For Women,” and a six-part investigative series titled “Do Professors Hate Me, or Am I Just Not Turning Anything In?” Early drafts also included “Why Atten-

dance Is Optional (For Me Specifically)” and “The Art of Emailing ‘Just Following Up’ Without Ever Reading the Syllabus.” “We noticed a serious gap in campus media,” said one anonymous founder, adjusting his backwards hat with urgency. “There just weren’t enough spaces where men could share their opinions without interruption. Or fact-checking. Or being wrong, hypothetically.” His Stevens will feature a variety of columns written by self-proclaimed experts in fields ranging from “Intro to Philosophy (Dropped Week 3)” to “Finance Bro Mindset” and “Intermediate Explaining Things to People Who Didn’t Ask.” One recurring section, Gym Thoughts, will include philosophical reflections such as “Is leg day a social construct?” and “If I don’t post it, did I even lift?” Another column, Debugging My Situationship, explores complex emotional issues using

flowcharts, pseudocode, and a refusal to communicate directly. The publication also plans to lean into the school’s tech-heavy identity. A weekly feature titled Stack Overflowed With Emotion will document students attempting to troubleshoot both code and feelings, often with similar levels of success. Meanwhile, Office Hours Speedrun offers tips on how to show up the week before finals and still ask, “So… what exactly are we doing in this class?” In the spirit of professional development, His Stevens is launching a mentorship initiative called Big Bro Energy, where upperclassmen guide freshmen through essential life skills like starting a podcast, explaining cryptocurrency at parties, and saying “lowkey” and “highkey” in the same sentence without irony. Workshops will also cover advanced techniques such as nodding thoughtfully during group discussions and then

UNDERGROUND WORLD OF FASHION

Narfarvar new creative director at Balenciaga

BY GAVIN RUBY ‘27 Pierpaolo Piccioli is out and Nariman Narfarvar is IN. In a shocking turn of events, after we all thought that the creative director musical chairs were over, Nariman Narfarvar is dropping Snevets and going to Balenciaga. Piccioli might be going to H&M after it was found that John Galliano went to Zara. This is a stunning upset, and I decided to interview Narfarvar about the position since the landscape of fashion is kept behind closed

doors. When asked how this situation even happened he said, “Piccioli’s collection was lowkey cheeks so Kering fired him, and they realized they wanted the big dog in the position, ME.” The House will now be held with Narfarvar at the forefront. When asked about this decision to leave the school he claimed, “Stevens mad chopped and so is Atilla :P.” I was like woah, how could he say this? But then, when talking about his inspiration in fashion, he continued to express his love for Vivet by Kai Cenat and said, “Fakemink, Nettspend, and Kai are all my inspirations. When I saw mink walk the Gucci by Demna show, I was like #needthat and decided to use my connections to move to Europe or wherever Balenciaga’s house was at.”

His first collection is set to debut for the Spring Summer 2027 collections in September. We are all excited for this decision because he said that his inspirations werevChatGPT, Claude, Attila, Tillie, Grease (the musical), SASE, FAST, uhhhhhh and also Palmer lawn for some reason. In my opinion, I think this was a great decision, and I’m lowkey interested to know how he can mix both the scaffolding at Morton and Balenciaga together. I hope he keeps the city bag and rodeo bag in the mix, and he’ll be at the company for a while. The first look is set to happen in August. Although Narfarvar is leaving Snevets, he said that he won’t forget us and will sell it at the book store, and we can use our DuckBills on it, so that’s pretty gas.

repeating the same point slightly louder than the girl next to you. In the name of inclusivity, His Stevens has emphasized that all are welcome to read its content, as long as they’re prepared to encounter at least three references to protein intake, one mention of a startup idea, and a casual reminder that the author is “actually building something on the side.” Campus reactions have been mixed. Some students expressed confusion, while others noted that His Stevens content appears to already exist in abundance across group chats, Discord servers, and unsolicited classroom contributions that begin with “Wait, actually-.” One student reported accidentally subscribing after someone pitched it as “like LinkedIn, but more vulnerable.” Still, the founders remain optimistic. “This isn’t just a publication,” one member explained. “It’s a movement.

A lifestyle. A brand. And potentially a startup if we can secure funding.” At press time, His Stevens editors were reportedly in heated debate over whether their first official merch drop should include quarter-zips, trucker hats, or a limited-edition Patagonia vest that they will insist is “business casual.” A competing propos-

al suggests skipping merch entirely and launching an app no one asked for. Regardless of the outcome, one thing is clear: His Stevens is here to ensure that, finally, men at this overwhelmingly male-dominated tech school have a voice on campus and that it is heard, loudly, confidently, and during every single moment of silence.

THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS

Larkspur

BY CLAIRE DEANS ‘29 The Victorian Language of Flowers was used for decades to relay feelings that people had a hard time expressing or were too embarrassed to share. Each flower has its own meaning, and each color further explains the emotions they evoke. The flower we will be looking at today is the Larkspur. This flower has a tall stalk with small blooms densely coating the outside. Some of its supposed powers include fending off ghosts, scorpions, and venomous creatures. In the Victorian Language of Flowers, the Larkspur symbolizes lightheartedness and laughter. I apologize for all of those looking for something more satirical for The Stupe. In sincerity, I wanted to cover a flower that covers humor and laughter. Shockingly, it was harder to come across than I would have expected. The closest definition of humor in the Language of Flowers is anything that resembles lightheartedness. My struggles to find a humorous flower aside, I think that laughter plays a huge role in who we are as people. Oftentimes, when people are struggling, laughter serves as a comfort. I was always the individual who needed someone to make me laugh when I was upset, otherwise I would just be consumed by whatever thoughts were troubling me at present. From a young age, I would stress out about school. I hadn’t had an undue amount of stress put on me by my parents, teachers, or friends — it

was all my own anxiety. I specifically recall being in fifth grade when I had felt the weight of one particular assignment hit me. I started spiraling, and I remember crying on the floor when my brother, who was five at the time, came into my room and absolutely attacked my sister, who was twelve. I started hysterically laughing. I could not help myself because, as I knew my sister wasn’t actually getting hurt, her hysteria and frazzled words made me start dying laughing. Since then, my siblings have been what feels like a cure to my anxiety. They have taught me that sometimes all you need is a good laugh to move past a bad situation. It’s like

what Roger Rabbit says in the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit: “A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have.” I suppose in this circumstance, you’d be fighting whatever troubles you. In my experience, it does wonders. Laughter connects and divides people – sometimes you have to either censor or filter your laughter depending on the people you’re with. To be quite frank, it feels like a perfect gift when you find someone who can match your humor and then some. So, if there is anything I can say for this April Fools, it would be to go have a good laugh with friends. You deserve it.

PHOTO COURTESY OF SILVER FALLS SEED COMPANY

BY BIG BRO (AKA BREONA PIZZUTA) ‘27

Monday, April 6

Pulse

Amber Gonzalez ‘29

Ethan Casale ‘28

The Shannon ‘27

“My owala and Cassie!!”

“Ben Chen”

“These people”

ROVING REPORTER by brady sansotta and rachel choi

Who’s downfall are you Luke Brevoort ‘28

Kira Archer ‘28

praying for?”

“Matthew Fatass”

“Naima Sana, Stacy Alvarez, Marilyn Anderson”

Jeylan Jubran ‘27

Sofiia Goncharuk ’28

Mack Lipari ‘29

“Tater tot Trouroonjian”

“Samira”

“Francesco Febbo”

disclaimer: the actual question was “who’s your best friend?”

Puzzle Page

Chris Kalish and Dom Souza Mini Crossword

Connect The Dots The following puzzle consists of a series of points scattered across a page. Starting a dot, draw straight lines to each subsequent dot in order until all points are connected. As you progress, the lines will gradually reveal a complete image.

2 4

3 5

7 9

8 10

*Puzzle instructions by Tillie

Wordle ??? Solve the clues to find the final word. Green boxes mean the letter is in the right spot, yellow is the letter is in the word but not the right spot, grey means not in the word at all.

Across: 1. Grams (abbr.) 2. Second person in text 3. Loss 4. 1000 to a Roman 5. “Sea” 6. “Tea” 7. Sleep 8. First person 9. South (abbr.) 10. Derivative 11. Good grade on a test 12. Marks the spot 13. “Oh”

Down: 1. $1000 2. _2, Irish rock band 3. Death Note character 4. Upside down W 5. My first initial! 6. _-Rex (dinosaur) 7. End of the alphabet 8. “Eye” 9. Small (abbr.) 10. Diameter 11. Start of the alphabet 12. Player in tic-tac-toe 13. Player in tic-tac-toe

Integration A in A/V

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOUwIdufY9Y

Nut from an oak tree Device used to tell time Navigation on a submarine Peanut Butter and _____

*Puzzle instructions by Stephen Pachucki (I think)

ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK’S PUZZLES

Sudoku

CROSSWORD

Difficulty: Light AF

KINGS TOUR

Border Collie CHAIN REACTION Happily Ever Green Olive

CRYPTOLIST

Garden

Soft Drinks Coca Cola

Dr Pepper

Mug

Fanta

Mountain Dew

Seven Up

Pepsi

Sprite

Starry

Gnome