Vol 56. Issue7

the STRAND

WHAT’S UP (and DOWN) WITH

The Student Press

VICTORIA UNIVERSITY’S STUDENT NEWSPAPER

VOL. 56 ISSUE 7 • JAN.20 2014 • WWW.THESTRAND.CA

7 ONE STEP FOR UNPAID INTERNS 2

LINGUISTIC PRIVILEGE: ( IF YOU CAN READ THIS ) 4

EBOOKS & GRAPHIC NOVELS: A REAPPRAISAL 10

CANADIAN STEREOTYPES IN TV 12

News at a

Net neutrality loses ground US court overturns provisions guaranteeing equality of Internet traffic

Glance GOVERNMENT TO LAUNCH POSTSECONDARY EDUCATION CONSORTIUM

MAPLE LEAF FALLS SHORT The World Junior Hockey Championships ended on January 5, leaving Canada without back-toback medals for the first time in 30 years. The great white north’s standing in the hockey world, a crucial point of national pride, has been slipping as the world approaches the 2014 Winter Olympics. The globalization of the game has not boded well for the once-dominant teams iced by Hockey Canada. What used to be a twohorse race in the early 2000s between Canada and Russia has proliferated into a pool of six or seven equally competitive hockey nations. Controversy has arisen over the selections to the Sochi Men’s Hockey team; General Manager Steve Yzerman has followed a strategy of chemistry over talent that, when last attempted at the 2006 Turin Olympics, resulted in a disastrous quarterfinal loss.

UNPAID INTERNS BEGINNING TO BE TREATED LIKE PEOPLE In a move sure to please undergraduates across the province, Ontario Minister of Labour Yasir Naqvi recently introduced a bill to extend the Occupational Health and Safety Act to cover those in unpaid internships and university or college co-op programs. The growing controversy around unpaid internships has spurred the growth of lobbying groups, such as the Canadian Intern Association, which are focused on changing existing legislation concerning unpaid internships. Coverage in publications such as The Atlantic has shed new light on the growing trend, asking if the practice is ethical. There are currently multiple court cases which concern the issue being fought, with workers arguing that they are entitled to wages surrounding their free labour. Many decry the unpaid internship as the practice of companies simply taking advantage of the difficult economic landscape.

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MATTHEW CASACA COPY EDITOR A US Court of Appeals in the District of Columbia Circuit struck down vital provisions of legislation governing net neutrality, a step towards allowing Internet Service Providers (ISPs) to obstruct the services of whatever websites and content they desire.

Until January 14, 2014, the Federal Communications Commission’s (FCC) had maintained a position of what is popularly known as “net neutrality”: that all lawful Internet traffic must be treated equally by ISPs, regardless of what applications or services it offers to consumers— meaning that service providers cannot prioritize certain forms of content over others. The court’s 3-0 verdict changed that.

Siding with Verizon Wireless, America’s largest broadband provider, the three judges agreed that the FCC overstepped its regulatory powers—but not for the reasons Verizon claimed.

“Given that the Commission [FCC] has chosen to classify broadband providers in a manner that exempts them from treatment as common carriers,” Judge David S. Tatel wrote, “the Communications Act expressly prohibits the Commission from nonetheless regulating them as such.”

Understanding Tatel’s legalese requires some context. The Communications Act of 1996 gave the FCC the power to regulate ISPs as either telecommunications services or information services. In this legal framework, information services are automatically considered a “common carri-

ARIARIX, WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

The government of Ontario recently announced Ontario Online, an educational consortium that offers credit courses and support for students wishing to learn online. The government has proposed a $42 million investment through 2017 to get the program up and running, and it is set to launch in the 2015-16 academic year. The program is designed to meet the needs of students who have the desire to learn but lack the geographic, economic, or physical means to attend centralized classes or lectures. The University of Waterloo, which currently offers five degrees that can be completed entirely online through their Centre for Extended Learning, will play a strong role in the development of Ontario Online.

Although the institution will not grant degrees, universities and colleges across the province are expected to honour credits taken through the consortium.

er”—no one is allowed to restrict what information passes through them. Since the FCC treated broadband providers as a traditional telecommunications service without classifying them as such, the FCC lost.

Unsurprisingly, Verizon hailed the decision, stating that “the court found that the FCC could not impose last century’s common carriage requirements on the Internet.” As long as this decision stands, broadband providers can easily implement controversial pay-to-play plans (through which a company can sponsor a website that will not count toward an Internet data cap) or tollbooths that compel the most popular Internet platforms of North America—Netflix, Youtube, and BitTorrent—to pay to ensure quality broadband service. In the words of Free Press president Craig Aaron, “broadband providers will race to turn the open and vibrant Web into something that looks like cable TV. They’ll establish fast lanes for the few giant companies that can afford to pay exorbitant tolls and reserve the slow lanes for everyone else.”

In spite of this loss, FCC chair Tom Wheeler can still continue litigation, or better yet, reclassify broadband service providers. “We will consider all available options, including those for appeal to ensure that these networks on which the Internet depends continue to provide a free and open platform for innovation and expression, and operate in the interest of all Americans.”

Net neutrality opponent Ted Stevens famously launched his legislative battle in 2006 with a speech that displayed his ignorance on the subject by calling the internet a “series of tubes.”

Ne

NASH76 TAKES PLACE AMID NEW CHALLENGES Canadian University Press conference in Edmonton draws a large attendance but prompts calls for organizational change PATRICK MUJUNEN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF tive sessions on things such as iPhone videography and information security.

NASH also plays host to daily keynote speeches, usually given by well-known journalists or luminaries from other fields. This year’s conference organizers had generated significant controversy by hiring Sun News host Ezra Levant—“general troublemaker” and “Canada’s best-known Conservative pundit”, according to the delegate guide—to hold the closing keynote; a number of papers threatened to walk out in protest in advance of the conference. However, despite some heckling and a brief shouting match between Levant and the audience, the predicted walkout failed to materialize.

Other keynote speakers included the Toronto Star’s Robyn Doolittle, who has gained international recognition for her investigative reporting on the Rob Ford crack cocaine scandal; Don Iveson, mayor of Edmonton and former CUP president; and TV personality and former 1 Girl 5 Gays host Aliya-Jasmine Sovani, who provoked a backlash from attendees over her comments about body image, feminism, and culture.

The final evening of the conference also saw the awards gala for the national John H. Macdonald awards for excellence in student journalism, with Kate Black of The Gateway leading the way

with three wins. The Strand was nominated for an award in graphic design, but ultimately lost out to The Ubyssey.

The last day of the conference is traditionally taken up by CUP’s annual plenary session, which has occasionally stretched to over 24 hours in length. This year, in addition to taking care of general housekeeping, members elected Patrick Vaillancourt as president and Jane Lytvynenko as national bureau chief for 2014-2015. Vaillancourt’s election was uncontested following a surprise exit from the leadership race by Allison Leonard, the only other presidential candidate.

The most contentious issue in plenary was the perennial problem of fee structuring, as an increasing number of papers under financial pressure have left CUP citing the cost of membership fees. A proposal drafted by ex-member papers The Ubyssey and The Varsity to radically reduce membership fees by cutting some CUP services was defeated; however, delegates did vote to change to a logarithmic fee model based on papers’ budget size. Also passed was a motion to set 1% of CUP’s annual revenue aside for special projects of the francophone membership.

Next year’s conference (NASH77) will be hosted by The Fulcrum in Ottawa.

CUP/JUIL YOON

CUP/SAM BROOKS

CUP/JUIL YOON

For the 76th year, student journalists gathered from January 8-12th for the annual national conference of the Canadian University Press. Affectionately dubbed “NASH” by the student journalists who attend it, the conference returned to Edmonton for the first time in seven years. This year’s location marked the second westward adventure in three years, at the last of which an outbreak of norovirus in Victoria left dozens too ill to travel and effectively ended the conference in 2011.

In addition to delegates from the member papers, several non-member publications were also represented at NASH76, including The Varsity from Uof T, The Link from Concordia, and The Ubssey from UBC. A number of papers have left the organization in recent years but continue to send staff to the conference to reap its benefits.

NASH serves as one of CUP’s flagship services, in addition to hosting the annual general meeting for members to decide on policy for the upcoming year.

Programming at this year’s conference included lectures and workshops with industry professionals on topics ranging from CP style to selfpublishing. There were also roundtables where delegates could discuss issues related to specific positions at member papers, and some interac-

Clockwise from left: Aliya-Jasmine Sovani (MTV, 1 girl 5 gays), Cam Welch (The Phoenix), Robyn Doolittle (Toronto Star)

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OBIWE ISIEP CATETE EREMITI ERIRILIN EMI TAGATO!

SARAH CRAWLEY

e dolup des tihig d imogo, yil etir hosapi deti vebifax ceyiri...

“SORRY, I CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU” A look at linguistic privilege SARA DERIS OPINIONS EDITOR If you can read this, you likely have substantial linguistic privilege. Because I am writing this, I have substantial linguistic privilege. I also happen to enjoy reading and writing; I grasp new vocabulary quickly and I am used to the way language is taught and discussed in this part of the world. It is unlikely that I will ever be made fun of for my written or oral grasp of language, even if I am in a place in which I do not understand the language. This is because I speak English. Even in a non-English speaking part of the world, I can count on the fact that I will be able to use English at will and have someone understand; I could even butcher the local language and be praised as opposed to scorned.

A few months ago, I sat in a fourth year, supposedly equityfocused class and listened to a man who is not a native English speaker articulate a point which was valid and comprehensible. Instead of evaluating his mind, his method of delivery was ripped apart - half the class jumped on one sentence that perhaps could have been better phrased. It sickened me to see these people, almost all of who are about to graduate from one of the most influential institutions in Canada, so obviously oppress this man on the basis of his grasp of the English language.

I grew up listening to non-native English speakers. My father and his entire side of the family do not speak English as a primary language. However, I attended English, euro-centric schools in mostly English-speaking neighbourhoods. I have never had to wonder if I’ll be able to get around

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the city, because I will always be able to read the street signs. I never have to worry about my accent or if someone will dismiss me as unintelligent because my pronunciation or grammar is slightly off. I do not even have a rudimentary knowledge of my father’s language, and there is no pressure to learn. Rather, it is the opposite – the fear is that if I learn this language, I will be subject to judgement and become less successful. This attitude is heartbreakingly common among non-native English speakers and their children.

Just as there are historically dominant races and genders, there are historically dominant languages, and the grasp of one lends privilege, just as whiteness lends privilege. The present-day status of the English language is largely due to the historical expansion of the British empire and the emergence of the United States as a leading economic power. English, although not the world’s most commonly spoken language, is informally recognized as the language of success. Linguistic privilege, like any privilege, is a way in which individual people enjoy certain advantages based not on merit but on characteristics that are out of their control – who they are, where they live, how they were raised. Although language may seem like something we choose when compared to race, it is largely coincidental, having to do with where we are born, what our racial or ethnic background is, and the sort of education we receive. In a 2009 linguistic study, it was found that by the time you are the age at which you can begin to make decisions about where

you live and what language you speak, it is unlikely that you will ever speak an additional language in a way that is indistinguishable from a native speaker.

Linguistic privilege does not only apply in areas of the world where English is the national language. English is also one of only six languages to be named an official language of the United Nations. The International Olympic Committee officially communicates in English and French. The vast majority of research papers, regardless of their provenance, are written in English. Internationally, English tourists are most often accommodated in their own language, with street signs and other useful means of communication written in both the native language and English.

English-speakers have better opportunities to study abroad, as there are many English-speaking institutions in countries where English is not the native language. Non-English speakers, however, will have trouble studying abroad at institutions who claim to have thriving international exchange programs – Uof T, for instance. It is possible for an English speaker to be gainfully employed, and live comfortably in another country without ever learning the local language.

Even within English, there is privilege to be held based on the type of English you speak, and whether or not it is deemed ‘standard’. American, Canadian and Australian English are all dialects that are deemed ‘standard’, although they differ from British English. English speakers from certain parts of Canada and the United States are assumed

to be the ones speaking with an accent, such as those English speakers from the Southern United States or the East coast of Canada. Speakers of Red English (a dialect spoken among some Aboriginal peoples in Canada), African American English (often called ‘Ebonics’), and Chicano English are also deemed to be using the language incorrectly. Those who have learned English as a second language are not seen as using ‘standard’ English. These prejudices affect a person’s ability to gain employment and capital, and even to communicate without fear of being mocked or dismissed as unintelligent. This places a burden on speakers of ‘nonstandard’ English – those who speak ‘standard’ English do so by virtue of where they were born, not because of any special effort undertaken. Conversely, a huge amount of effort is put in by speakers of ‘nonstandard’ English to “pass” as fluent. One’s accent can be a source of shame that leads to anxiety, leaving speakers of ‘nonstandard’ English less likely to express their opinions in public forums.

Linguistic privilege is often overlooked in anti-oppression efforts and is for the most part ignored in cultural sensitivity training in the education system and the workplace. It is irrevocably tied up with issues of race and class, but is worth examining in isolation. Languages are now dying at an alarming rate, and the complacent acceptance of ‘standard’ English and the oppression of ‘nonstandard’ English speakers contributes to this death rate, as well as causing undue hardship in the lives of non-native or nonstandard English speakers.

Op

FLICKR BLAZINRED

COMBATTING CANADIAN ENVIRONMENTAL NEGLIGENCE

CATHERINE EDWARDS “Our Canadian environmental laws don’t matter if they are broken... They are digging a hole that our grandchildren will have great trouble digging their way out of.”—Neil Young During the opening concert of his 2014 tour, “Honour The Treaties,” Canadian icon and world-renowned folk singer Neil Young spoke out against recent environmental injustices committed by the Canadian federal government. On January 14, just one day after his comments were made, Neil Young received a direct response from the Prime Minister’s office, in defence of the government’s actions. Although his public outcry was primarily in reference to the Alberta oilsands, Young drew attention to the broader issue of environmental negligence in Canada.

In the minds of many concerned Canadians, recent decades have been marked by severe offenses against the country’s ecosystems. In the New Year, yet another environmental transgression came to light—the Federal Government’s violation of the Species At Risk Act (SARA). SARA

is a crucial part of environmental legislation that seeks to protect Canada’s endangered species, and in doing so, sustain the nation’s biodiversity and environmental health.

The government officials responsible for this violation met Ecojustice, a coalition of five environmental groups, in federal court on January 8 in Vancouver, BC. In keeping with Young’s statement, Ecojustice claims that federal law has been broken, since government officials have delayed the establishment of species recovery plans. The Canadian government has put these plans into place over four years beyond the deadlines mandated by SARA. The recovery plans in question were meant to protect species vulnerable to development projects, specifically the Northern Gateway Pipeline. These species include the Pacific humpback whale, Nechako white sturgeon, marbled murrelets, and southern mountain caribou.

Although these plans were eventually put into action, environmental groups fear that the

damage has already been done. Because of federal ministers’ failure to abide by SARA’s mandates, the Northern Gateway Pipeline was approved without proper consideration for affected species.

SARA is not only meant to protect the species themselves, but also the lands and waters in which they live. The violation of this act is the epitome of environmental negligence that the Canadian government has repeatedly displayed in recent years.

However, as demonstrated by Ecojustice’s response to the violation, recent decades have also been characterized by environmental activism.

The group’s actions have reinforced the hopeful notion that for every injustice committed against the environment, there are numerous counteracting forces. Perhaps with continued activism, whether it be carried out by large environmental groups, celebrities, or mindful Canadian citizens, the country can be on a path towards a brighter, more sustainable future.

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interested in contributing to

Ed

OUR MASTHEAD Editors-in-Chief

THE STRAND??

Patrick Mujunen Paula Razuri Blaire Townshend

NEWS

News

Catriona Spaven-Donn

Opinions

Sara Deris

Features

features@thestrand.ca

Amanda Aziz Emily Pollock

Arts & Culture

Claire Wilkins

Film & Music

Dominique Béchard

Stranded

Emily Deibert Olesya Lyuzna

news@thestrand.ca opinions@thestrand.ca

artsandculture@thestrand.ca filmandmusic@thestrand.ca

stranded@thestrand.ca

Production

Nikki Gosselin

production@thestrand.ca

Design

Jade Bryan Sarah Crawley

design@thestrand.ca

Copy

Matthew Casaca

copy@thestrand.ca

Photo

Victoria Chuen Thomas Lu

photo@thestrand.ca

Art

Wenting Li

Web

Thanasi Karachotzitis

Distribution

Nigel Maynard

art@thestrand.ca

Editorial Assistants

Anthony Burton Rhianna Jackson-Kelso Eanna Morrison Barrs Lauren Van Klaveren

Contributors Catherine Edwards,Tara Mactavish, Rachel Gordon, Rosalind Deibert, Jennifer Gosnell, Neil MacIsaac, Megan Tangney Illustrations Wenting Li, Sarah Crawley, Vivian Che, Emily Pollock Cover Illustration Sarah Crawley

The Strand has been the newspaper of record for Victoria University since 1953. It is published 12 times a year with a circulation of 2000 and is distributed in Victoria University buildings and across the University of Toronto’s St. George campus.

We’re always looking for writers, artists, and photographers to join our team. We would love to hear from you!

editor@thestrand.ca

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The Strand flagrantly enjoys its editorial autonomy and is committed to acting as an agent of constructive social change. As such, we will not publish material deemed to exhibit racism, sexism, homo/trans*phobia, ableism, or other oppressive language.

The Strand is a proud member of the Canadian University Press (CUP).

Our offices are located at 150 Charles St. W., Toronto, ON, M5S 1K9. Please direct enquiries by email to editor@thestrand.ca. Submissions are welcome and may be edited for taste, brevity, and legality.

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PAULA RAZURI

Student journalism front & centre Controversy and change at annual conference of the Canadian University Press yields divide among the student press PAULA RAZURI EDITOR-IN-CHIEF The ballroom of Edmonton’s Chateau Lacombe is smouldering after a keynote speech by Sun columnist and all-around troll, Ezra Levant.

Levant spoke to a congregation of hundreds of student journalists gathered for an annual conference, many of whom share little to no opinions with the infamous Canadian media personality. The Q&A session is rousing as challengers line up to confront Levant: some he answers, others he shouts over, one he calls an “angry feminist.”

A trail of riled-up students follows Levant out of the room like a bizarre, politically-charged conga line, and the night shifts to an awards ceremony when Esquire writer, Chris Jones, takes the microphone and mutters something along the lines of “I can’t believe you paid that guy two thousand dollars.” The room laughs, but what Jones articulated was two important points of controversy for this year’s NASH conference: tensions surrounding conservatism, and money.

AN ORGANIZATION IN TROUBLE From January 8-12, over 400 delegates from newspapers across the country gathered in Edmonton, Alberta for the 76th NASH conference: an annual meeting of student journalists who get together to share their skills, discuss student journalism, voice anxieties about entering the workforce, and perform embarrassing karaoke.

This year’s conference was hosted by University of Alberta newspaper, The Gateway, in partnership with the Canadian University Press, a cooperative organization founded in 1938 with the mandate to strengthen and unite student papers across the country. CUP offers its members a feeling of national community as well as a shared content agreement, but after announcing some serious financial issues and failing to please all of its members, student newspapers across the country have been opting to leave the organization in alarming numbers.

Needless to say, this year’s conference, then, was particularly weighty. Papers inevitably discussed the future of CUP and their own position with the organization, especially since an important part of the NASH conference is to discuss and plan for the future of the organiza-

tion. With CUP being in a delicate state, the discussion was sure to be important, and the ten-hour plenary session did not disappoint.

The biggest item up for discussion resulted in a debate between two proposals to amend the CUP fee structure. As it currently stands, each member of the organization pays into the services/support they can potentially receive. The amount each paper pays is dependant on the size of the paper, but the organization is set up so that extenuating circumstances can be accommodated.

It was interesting to see, then, that one of the proposed amendments to the fee structure, and the one that was most destabilizing to the current state of the organization, was headed by two of the largest, non-member student papers in the country.

MONEY TALK Geoff Lister, managing editor of The Ubyssey, UBC’s student newspaper, teamed up with Editor-in-Chief of U of T’s The Varsity, Joshua Oliver, to propose an amendment to the fee structure of CUP. Their proposal was meant to be “a holistic approach to unite CUP,” but many delegates felt, rather, that the approach would deconstruct the organization as it stands without offering enough time for substantial change.

Those present got the impression that Lister and Oliver felt the services of CUP were not valuable enough to warrant the cost (over $5000 for each large paper). Lister would later go on to write an editorial in which he voices his opinion on the growing irrelevance of CUP, especially during the digital age in which sharing information doesn’t necessarily need a human intermediate. Certainly, there is truth to this: we live in an age where RSS feeds can share and congregate our information for us, and the position of content curator is less valuable than content generator.

The Lister-Oliver proposal opted to remove the current contentsharing platform, The Wire, thereby eliminating the need to employ (read: pay) bureau chiefs who generate and curate content deemed to be “of national interest.” Lister’s follow-up editorial after NASH reads, “Much of what CUP publishes is aggregated from student newspapers as part of a content-sharing agreement. The rest is written by regional bureau chiefs, but it often duplicates

assignments these employees have at their respective newspapers, and many bureau chiefs fail to meet their quotas. Worst of all, perhaps, is its irrelevance at student newspapers that are increasingly focusing on providing great local news, rather than trying to keep up with The Globe and Mail, let alone the Internet at large.”

The solution from The Ubyssey, then, was to cut costs by eliminating The Wire, eliminating the need for a national office, and changing membership fees in a way that would entice new members to join.

Certainly, the Lister-Oliver proposal makes some compelling arguments. The discussion alone was valuable enough in that it brought attention to some of the major issues facing the organization today. When it came to a vote, however, the current members of the organization favoured change that kept some semblance of the organization, and the Ubyssey-Varsity proposition failed 19-15.

A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN Every year after leaving NASH, The Strand feels inspired and motivated to create a better publication. Perhaps the same can’t be said for other papers that might have felt dejected or ignored. It wasn’t so surprising, then, to see the announcement of a non-CUP version of The Wire, spearheaded by none other than The Ubyssey.

Managing editor Lister writes, “in an effort to create an organization that does represent the interests of student papers, The Ubyssey and a handful of other papers are building up the National University Wire, an organization founded at the start of this year to replace the CUP wire for papers no longer in CUP.” An unignorable part of this debate is the divide between small and large papers and the differences those sizes may afford. Big-school papers like U of T’s The Varsity, or York’s Excalibur, have the time and resources to put into such a project.

The needs of small papers are simply not the same as a large paper. The divide between CUP and non-CUP, is apparently rooted in what Lister himself articulated: the interests of student papers.

WHAT’S WRONG? What is the interest of the student press? Surely, not everyone wants the same thing. A daily publi-

cation that focuses on campus news isn’t quite the same as a small college paper with an environmental focus. The problem with CUP might just be an identity crisis.

The Canadian University Press is the oldest student media collective in the world. One of the great things about being a member is the feeling of community that comes from having comrades in every province who know what you’re going through and can even offer help. The underlying issue, perhaps, has more to do with the tension between paying for services and having that sense of community— a paper that might need help in operating will undoubtedly get more out of an agreement than a large paper with a successfully operational business model.

It’s tricky. After all, the Internet reigns supreme these days, closing the gap between journalists, bloggers, and artists in ways it hasn’t been closed before. What does that mean for an organization that serves to “unite” when unity isn’t so hard to come by?

At the NASH conference held in Alberta (coincidence?) in 1965, delegates voted to change the Charter of Principles to read that the student press would strive to be an agent of social change. Kathe Lemon wrote in her 2004 MA thesis on CUP: “The student press not only had to report on social change, but also had to be a model of social change using democratic rule and co-operative work sharing in the office.” The “agent of social change” clause remained a part of CUP until1991.

An item of this year’s conference, nearly 25 years after the organization removed the objective of social change from its mandate, was to establish a mission statement for the organization. The result was relatively generic and refreshingly optimistic, but the organization needs more.

For a collective of student journalists to come together in a meaningful way (that means having healthy discussion rather than using size and money to threaten the stability of an organization), students need a way to bridge the divide. The general discomfort resulting from Ezra Levant’s keynote might just suggest that there’s something to unite us after it, even if it is general distaste fir a smug “conservative pundit.”

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FE

VIVIEN CHE

8

Penumbra

Rhianna Jackson-Kelso

We at the Features section have been playing with the idea of publishing a fictional story in an issue of The Strand for quite some time. Although newspapers typically abide by printing non-fictional news pieces and opinions, we like to think that The Strand operates on the experimental side. After reading this short story, we felt that it was complementary to the compelling and socially conscious pieces printed in this issue.

Though I find the thought of it more ridiculous with each passing day, there was a time when I dreamt of beauty.

In a world where everything is flashy and artificial, beauty is hard to come by. It has become normal, even necessary, for everything to be thrumming with intensity. Subtlety has disappeared behind lasers and flashing lights. The shiny synthetic surfaces that make up this city, designed to resemble relics from the old world, are a mere reflection of all that we’ve lost. For people who still care to remember what the world used to be like, this attempt at recreation is haunting and hollow.

Nevertheless, even in a place like this it is possible to find some solace if you look hard enough. At present, this small park—metal bench, fake flowers, fake trees—tucked away from the bulk of the city near the end of an overlooked street is the best I’ve been able to find. The seat of the bench, warmed by the muggy city air, digs into my thighs through my thin, government-issued leggings. The thick bunches of flowers made of smooth polymer stand up stiffly around the bench, powdered with chemiluminescent dust in an attempt to add some authenticity to their lifeless surfaces. Surprisingly the muted green, red, and purple glow bleeding from their petals is complimented by the warmer light of the streetlamp in a way that is almost pretty.

I lean back against the slatted back of the bench, feeling that this soft scene is wildly out of place in such an overwhelming city. I’m thankful for the noisecancelling headphones currently pressed against my ears. Their utility outweighs their bulk, and suffocating silence is preferable to the crashing pistons and thrumming generators that would be accosting my ears otherwise.

Right now the streets are mostly deserted. It is late, which means the light show is about to begin. Many of the city’s

inhabitants have flocked to the stadiums or their rooftops to watch. Others have retreated to their apartments. Yet others have undoubtedly slunk, rat-like, to the tunnels beneath the streets, hoping to drown out whatever they can at the taverns hidden away in the bowels of the city. The sole purpose of these shows is to persuade us to forget what we’ve left behind, so for those who still cling to the phantoms of the old world, they can be unbearable. For others, putting any effort into anything but drink has become pointless.

The sole purpose of these shows is to persuade us to forget what we’ve left behind, so for those who still cling to the phantoms of the old world they can be unbearable.

With nothing but my grim thoughts for company, I remain motionless in smog-heavy silence until a series of three quick flashes in the sky signals the beginning of the show. I tilt my head back to watch through the synthetic foliage of the tree above me. The streaky neon trails that might seem pretty to an oldworlder begin to emerge, searing complicated, murky rainbows through the smog.

Choked clouds of rust orange, bile green, and scab red are illuminated high above me, churning slowly and menacingly. This sky seems so poisonous and vile that

watching it soon becomes painful, and I look away.

As I do, another glider appears in my range of vision. It streaks by overhead, far too close to the tops of the buildings— only a few storeys tall in this part of the city—to be in compliance with the safety regulations. I stand, nearly dropping the battery pack for my headphones in the process, and step out from underneath the tree.

The glider flashes by just twenty feet overhead and suddenly, the soft light of the empty street is swept in a wash of toxic green. The glider spirals sharply downward and takes out a row of power lines in a violent spray of sparks. Its sickening trail of light lingers in the sky even as the glider itself vanishes behind a building across the street. I tear off my headphones just in time to hear and feel the shuddering crash roll over me. The noise briefly overpowers the screeching, whirring, thrumming sounds of the city. The building is backlit by a flash of bright yellow, which flickers for a moment before going dark.

I glance over my shoulder down the street. There is no one in sight, of course, but after an explosion that big it won’t be long before the curious are roused from their hiding places, and roaming patrols, though few and far between, have a habit of showing up in unexpected places. If I’m going to do this, I have to be quick.

The pilot will be injured, if not dead, but there’s something else I’m interested in.

I hesitate for a moment under the fading glow of the light trail, my booted foot hovering over the edge of the sidewalk, wondering if it’s even worth the effort.

I look back for a moment at the glowing flowers, ugly in their perfection, and force myself to cross the faintly-luminescent pavement toward the alley that will lead me to the crashed glider.

I have given up on beauty, but I can still dream of freedom.

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THE EBOOK:

a/c

literary Swiss Army knife?

EMILY POLLOCK

TARA MACTAVISH STAFF WRITER As any student here at U of T will understand, books are a heavy burden. Physically, they weigh you down, and as you struggle across Queen’s Park with three five-pound texts, your back breaking, your feet slipping into the lake-sized puddles, you may curse your bag, the books, or your professor. Reading eight novels in a halfyear English course is by no means an anomaly.

So why is it that so many poor, aching English students still refuse to fork over the money for a Kindle or Kobo? Why does the Bob Miller Bookroom, with its ridiculously high prices, still have line-ups out the door? In the print versus electronic debate—which has existed from the moment Amazon released the Kindle in 2007— many students, professors, and book fanatics have remained solid supporters of the print industry. Both literary fiction and narrative nonfiction genres have maintained their distance from the ebook markets. Instead of eschewing the ebook, consider its useful ability to guide you through the constant mutations of the publishing business.

While the Kindle remains the most popular ebook tool on the market, it was by no means the first of its kind. Sony dominated the ebook industry for years since the invention of e-ink technology, giving readers the most basic, nonglare screen possible. Ebooks as an idea were originally conceived as a replacement tool for the heavy schoolbooks students have been

forced to carry with them since the invention of the leatherbound tome. The portability factor is certainly the forerunner of the ebook’s marketability; the ability to carry thousands of books on a device, which fits into most coat pockets, has its appeal. On the other hand, you cannot flaunt your ebook library on sleek wooden shelves. Is it possible for print and ebook to work together, rather than competing for sales data on a marketing graph?

Aspiring authors used to struggle to develop readership, being unable to share their work without the backup provided by some form of publishing— whether serially in a magazine or in book format. Now, most authors will simply create a blog, or self publish in ebook format.

Popular reads like “Fifty Shades of Grey” and “A Discovery of Witches”, while lacking in polished writing or a good editor, have achieved fame and movie deals after thousands of online sales. Due to the publishing industry’s ability to sell ebooks without having to worry about running low on stock, many have chosen to print their physical books “on demand”. This puts authors in the difficult position of having to decide themselves between digital and physical formatting for their books. Nevertheless, if their product reaches a wide enough audience, chances are they’ll get a publishing deal.

Thanks to the “sampling” option on most ebooks, you aren’t at risk of buying something

you may not like. With the Kindle, for example, a reader can try the first chapter or two for free, allowing them to decide for themselves whether they want to read the book. Recommendations can lead to new discoveries; some of my favourite books have been found through Kindle recommendations. By searching names of books you discover when browsing a library or bookstore, but not being able to linger, you can sample them later at your leisure. It’s a genius move, and can save you a lot of frustration and money. Even if your purchase turns out to be a flop, ebooks are on average cheaper than the physical product.

Though ebook sales are not what they initially were, the market is not gravitating back towards the printed word. Unfortunately, with the arrival of the multi-use tablet, books are being set aside. The ease with which you can now watch Netflix and stream video games anywhere on an iPad or Playbook is making the book debate obsolete. It is no longer ebook versus book: reading itself is a dying pastime, dismissed by the younger generation.

The entire “Song of Ice and Fire” saga in your pocket, free samples, and a slew of new writing talent awaits any new ebook owner.

The only downside is not being able to share your electronic discoveries with other fellow readers—unless they are prepared to buy their own copy.

MY EBOOK PICK: Vessel Book I: The Advent by Tominda Adkins

AMAZON .CA

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Part of this book’s appeal comes from the way I discovered it. A tweet by popular Canadian cartoonist Kate Beaton (Of “Hark! A Vagrant” fame) led me to the book’s Amazon page. It cost less than five dollars to buy, and after trying the free sample, I couldn’t spend my money fast enough. The writing is complex, clean and smart. Written in third person omniscient from the perspective of a strong female lead, “The Advent” jumps through hoops and dodges any genre label you throw at it. From road trips to the undead, cocktail parties to prison breaks, “The Advent” delivers it all through main character Jordan’s cynical point of view, with a tremendously imaginative cast to back her up. My particular favourite is the fabulously gay Russian pop superstar Jesse Cannon, who is a hilarious hyperbole of a celebrity. After reading it on my Kindle five times, I now own hard copies of both “The Advent” and its sequel, “Exodus”. Print is not dead, and I’m grateful for my Kindle, as it helped me find this masterpiece.

ANOTHER KIND OF BEAST defending the graphic novel

WENTING LI

RACHEL GORDON Graphic novels and comics are not the same—at least not in the way you’re thinking. Yes, the images can be similar; yes, it’s that unique mixture of text and illustration; yes, many comic book characters from Batman to Superman have forayed into the world of graphic novels. However, if you think these novels are restricted to superhero storylines and predictable narratives, you couldn’t be more wrong.

I’m not disputing that there are more than a few graphic novels featuring a powerful heroic protagonist, but more often than not, they’re less superhero and more antihero.

For example, take the iconic V For Vendetta

by Alan Moore and David Lloyd. The story’s “hero” is V, a masked vigilante working to overthrow the totalitarian government of a dystopian United Kingdom. In his efforts to destroy the ruling system and turn the young Evey into his protégé, V does things so twisted that both his humanity and whether the corrupt system deserves the punishment of his deeds are questioned. As the story unfolds, the reader is pulled deeper into the world of deceit and hopelessness until they begin to justify his actions in a completely unjust world. This novel is dark to say the least, but it raises important questions about power, morality, and independent thought that would be impossible to conquer in the story arc of

a 24-page comic. Other graphic novels such as Watchmen and Deadpool (the latter which originated as a comic) similarly prove that the longer format begets complexity and depth far removed from the basic comic book.

The primary point that is often overlooked when discussing graphic novels is the way they can capture as wide an array of subject matter as any conventional text-based novel. A prime example is Maus by Art Spiegelman, arguably one of the pioneers of the medium. Maus chronicles the experiences of Spiegelman’s father in the Holocaust, as well as their strained father-son relationship and his mother’s suicide. The novel depicts Jewish people as mice and the Nazis as cats—a metaphor that would seem overtly obvious and pandering, if not for its flawless and subtle execution. Unlike other graphic novels, the illustration has a basic quality and is exclusively black and white. In this case it was a wise choice: the photos emphasize the story but don’t detract focus from it, and though the design may be simple, the visual impact is not lessened. The images of slow marches to Auschwitz and heaps of motionless corpses hit home just as much they would if the figures were portrayed as human. The powerful graphic novel was the first of its kind to win a Pulitzer Prize, which gave much-deserved artistic integrity to the format.

Graphic novels have a pop culture presence aside from their superhero notoriety, one obtained largely through 1997’s Ghost World by Daniel Clowes. It follows Enid Coleslaw and Rebecca Doppelmeyer, recent high school graduates disillusioned with life in their small American town. Enid and Rebecca’s blunt nature and post-secondary struggles struck a chord with young adults across North America, and in 2001 the story was picked up and made into a film of the same name. The movie was nominated for the Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar and quickly gained a cult following, as did the book. It made sense as a film for the same reasons it did as a graphic novel: seeing the mundane and at times strangely creepy people and places surrounding the girls made you sympathize and relate to them that much more. This story was not based on action, nor did it possess the fast pace associated with comics. It was simply the lives of two girls, told and illustrated.

Graphic novels have the potential to possess a range of pace, complexity and story far beyond that associated with comics. They are an entirely different beast that cannot be contained within one defining category. So the next time someone says graphic novels and comics are the same, point them to this article. Have them read Maus. Or simply laugh at them and walk away. That works, too.

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F/M

(STEREO)TYPICAL, EH? An exploration of stereotype in Canadian television

MEGAN TANGNEY

I

f my earliest memory is falling off my bike and shredding most of the skin off my left elbow, then my second-earliest memory is sitting on the couch, elbow bandaged and propped on a pillow, while watching Due South.

I don’t have Disney memories like many others our age. I don’t want to pay $13 to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D and relive the supposed magic. But recently re-watching Due South left me with a real sense of nostalgia.

With the benefit of hindsight, I’ve begun to realize just how much I absorbed through the age-inappropriate medium of Due South, especially in terms of how the show informed my identity as a Canadian. Created by Paul Haggis, the series ran from 1994 to 1999, and chronicles the exploits of a Mountie (Paul Gross) who moves to Chicago and teams up with an American

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detective. The traditional “good cop/bad cop” trope is restructured to become “Canadian cop/American cop,” serving as a vehicle for the comical airing of a variety of national stereotypes. For example, Gross’ RCMP Constable Fraser is almost cripplingly polite; he gives away taxi after taxi until it gets dark and he is forced to walk down the highway from the airport into the city, resulting in one of the series’ iconic images. The window in his apartment is always open (Canadians love healthy, natural, cold air). This confuses his partner, who states “This is Chicago. The only reason to open a window is to get a better aim.”

While Fraser never seems to notice when he is being ridiculed, his boss at the Canadian Consulate has learned how to use his “Canadian-ness” to his own advantage. He tells Fraser “You’d be surprised…how many times I’ve

been at some diplomatic cocktail party when people start to say something and then stop, realizing I’m within hearing distance, and then say, ‘Oh, it’s just the Canadian.’ It always works. Though it never quite loses its sting.”

Despite this, Due South is quite affectionate in its depiction of the ways in which Canadians and Americans interact. It is immediately clear how Fraser’s style is complimented by his partner’s, and they make an effective crime-fighting team. However, what may be less obvious to the viewer is that the series was almost entirely filmed in Toronto.

Even though the show’s formula likely wouldn’t have played out as well in reverse, this means that Due South joins a long line of movies and television shows that are set in American cities but filmed here in Canada, either for convenience or for financial reasons.

SARAH CRAWLEY

What is often not taken into account is how disorienting this can be for international audiences. A recent example is the popular new science-fiction series Orphan Black. Although the show is both set and filmed in Toronto, this fact is not explicitly stated. Much of the action takes place in Scarborough, but a basic knowledge of what constitutes Toronto and the GTA is required to understand this; for some this may be the first time that Toronto has appeared on their cultural radar. This confusion is illustrated in an article in the Guardian newspaper’s TV & Radio Blog, which introduced the show when it premiered in the UK. The author wrote that the main character “rolls into New York,” later corrected to “an unidentified city.”

This is why watching the CBC’s Republic of Doyle has been such a refreshing way to spend an evening for the past

five seasons. Since it began in 2010, the show has really put Newfoundland, and specifically St. John’s, on the pop culture map. It celebrates the city’s atmosphere, from its colourful houses to its vocabulary. I have to admit that I never understood what Classified meant when he rapped in “Oh…Canada,” “Think we finish every sentence with ‘buddy’ or ‘b’y’” until I was introduced to this series. Like Gross’ Constable Fraser, Allan Hawko’s private detective Jake Doyle spends an hour every week investigating crimes assisted by his friends and family (admittedly, Fraser’s father appears only in ghost form after the pilot episode).

However, although Republic of Doyle and Due South overlap in many ways, the difference lies in the way that Republic of Doyle as a series capitalizes on its setting to the extent that the city of St. John’s almost becomes a character in its own

right.

Maybe highlighting Canadian comedy is a little stereotypical—but we have to admit that the television we produce is an important facet of the story we tell ourselves about who we are as a nation, and we can learn from the story as we film it. In the past 20 years, the way that Canadian shows have portrayed Canada has changed and the focus has shifted from Fraser’s snowy Northwest Territories to Doyle’s snowy and urban St. John’s. The red Mountie uniform has been supplanted by the black leather jacket.

If a stereotype as defined in the OED is a “preconceived and oversimplified idea,” then our challenge is to emphasize our complexity in a way that makes it clear that we aren’t rejecting our “identity”—we can still be polite, but that shouldn’t be all we can be.

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THE NIGHT 2013 DIED: a Canadian New Year’s NEIL MACISAAC

Of all the Atlantic music I’ve had to defend or introduce to my friends since arriving at UofT from Nova Scotia, none has been odder or seemingly more exclusive in its appeal than the traditional Newfoundland drinking song “The Night Pat Murphy Died.” This epic’s premise is that a man has died and his friends arrive at his widow’s house to turn the night before his funeral into a combination of Finnegan’s Wake and The Hangover. As you would expect from this introduction, it absolutely rocks and every self-respecting Atlantic bar band can crank it out on command.

I was fortunate enough to bear witness once again to its outstanding influence over the Atlantic-Canadian psyche in the first hours of 2014, and was not disappointed.

You see, in its ability to instantly get people’s attention, “Pat Murphy” is a lot like a national anthem. Everyone stops what they’re doing when the opening bars are heard and goes quiet. What’s most amazing is that after that initial marshalling, people will proceed to lose their minds.

Imagine the collective power of “Niggas In Paris,” “Hey Ya,” and “Crazy In Love,” and you have roughly the influence of “Pat Murphy.” For example, at the party I’d gone to, the song started playing in the kitchen where about nine or ten people were gathered. By the end of the three-minute track, literally the entire party of 27 had crammed inside the kitchen and was wheeling around square-dance style, including a girl who had

passed out upstairs an hour earlier in the night and a couple who I’m pretty sure were having sex in a bedroom two floors up when the song started.

The song is a force of nature—and for good reason. It has a catchy-as-hell chorus (which is the only part about 60% of people know; 40% know at least one verse, and 5% know the whole thing). It’s about getting plastered. And on a deeper level, it speaks to the primal desire to shuffle off our mortal coil with the most monumental of bangs. Which makes it the ideal way to send out any year, no matter how great or terrible it was. It can serve perfectly as an ode of celebration or as a resolution to make things better, a funeral march or a resurrection anthem.

HOW I MET YOUR RACISM: Hit CBS show sparks controversy JENNIFER GOSNELL The ninth and final season of How I Met Your Mother is midway through, and has consisted thus far of episodes that have shown us once again the reasons why we fell in love with HIMYM from the beginning. Optimistic love stories, bromance and, of course, Barney abound. Recently, however, the episode "Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmarra” elicited an online firestorm against its racially-charged storyline that sparked the Twitter trend #HowIMetYourRacism.

The public outcry from the episode was met with an apology via Twitter from series creators Craig Thomas and Carter Bays. “With Monday's episode, we set out to make a silly and unabashedly immature homage to Kung Fu movies, a genre we’ve always loved. But along the way we offended people. We're deeply sorry, and we’re

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grateful to everyone who spoke up to make us aware of it. We try to make a show that's universal, that anyone can watch and enjoy.

We fell short of that this week, and feel terrible about it. To everyone we offended, I hope we can regain your friendship, and end this series on a note of goodwill,” the duo tweeted.

Despite some stumbling along the way, including episodes that take the series to a whole new level of tediousness never previously explored on television, HIMYM has dutifully stuck to the days leading up to Barney and Robin’s wedding with the exception of flashbacks to the good old MacLaren’s days. Since most of the episodes in the final season include spontaneous and enjoyable appearances from the Mother (at long last, can we get a round of applause followed by

a relieved sigh?), the final season is finally answering fans' leftover questions and concerns about the protagonist Ted Mosby's future. A breath of fresh air on the show, Cristin Milioti (aka, “the Mother”), has stolen every scene she’s been in. Whether this is thanks to the incredible build-up we had in waiting for her arrival, or simply her natural acting abilities (Milioti is best known for her work on Broadway), the arrival of the Mother is keeping this viewer watching through the ups and downs.

After nine years, series creators Thomas and Bays better have one incredibly amazing finale that ties in all the unsolved mysteries along the journey to entice HIMYM viewers to move with them to their new project: How I Met Your Dad.

HOROSCOPES, YO

St

ROSALIND DEIBERT • ART WORK BY WENTING LI January 20 - February 18 AQUARIUS

As Pluto leaves your sign, you will find your work becoming increasingly complicated this month — either that, or you’ve mistaken SS2108 for SS2118 and sat through two weeks worth of lectures for the wrong class.

PISCES

February 19 - March 20

I am being held captive in The Strand office, forced to come up with horoscopes! Please send help!

TAURUS

April 20 - May 20

The alignment of Jupiter’s moons this month suggests that you would be well-served by submitting lots of articles to Stranded for the rest of the year.

CANCER

June 22 - July 22

A bright outlook will serve you well in the coming months. The stars recommend you buy a flashlight.

And several hundred packs of batteries.

VIRGO

August 23 - September 22

As Saturn and Neptune align this month, you will go to the food truck outside Robarts.

The Strand can’t make any promises, but without sounding too over-confident, we’re 99% certain that these are 100% accurate.

ARIES

March 21 - April 19

The retrograde motion of Venus through your sign means that ROSI will be down for you this month... but did you really want to see your marks, anyway?

GEMINI

May 21 - June 21

Ask not what your horoscope can do for you, but what you can do for your horoscope.

LEO

July 23 - August 22

The horoscope you seek is in The Toronto Star.

LIBRA

September 23 - October 23

Are you looking for love, Libra? If so, the stars suggest you expand your search. Look under rocks. In broom closets.

Beyond that STAFF ONLY sign in Robarts. Don’t worry, the stars promise you won’t get into too much trouble.

SCORPIO

October 24 - November 21 Run.

CAPRICORN

December 22 - January 19

SAGITTARIUS

You will find Yeezus...in your toast.

November 22 - December 21

You will read this and wonder why you’re wasting your time with made-up horoscopes in a school newspaper.

But don’t worry: the stars are telling you that continuing to read The Strand is a good thing.

SPEECH DICTATION Did you watch Her? Do you wish you had a sexy OS companion? (Let’s be real, “OS X Mavericks” sounds like a total demon in the sack... amirite?) “Speech Dictation” is what happens when a Strand editor talks to her laptop with her mouth full, reciting well-known speeches and/or monologues. This week: the Nicolas Cage edition.

FLICKR/ CHEESE_COLOURED_MUMU

THE ORIGINAL

THE FUTURE

Nicolas Cage as Ronny Cammareri in Moonstruck

Speech recognition software and a disregard for basic etiquette.

Yeah. Everything seems like nothing to me now against I want you in my bed. I don’t care if I burn in hell. I don’t care if you burn in hell. ...

Loretta, I love you. Not, not like they told you love is and I didn’t know this either. But love don’t make things nice, it ruins everything! It breaks your heart, it makes things a mess. We, we aren’t here to make things perfect. Snowflakes are perfect, stars are perfect. Not us! Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and, and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and, and die! I mean that the storybooks are bullshit.

Now I want you to come upstairs with me and, and get in my bed. Come on, come on, come on.

Yeah everything seems it nothing to know against the wall unit that I don’t care for granny Helen of care. ...

The red, I love you. No not in the poison of the garage in the love to make things nice I was everything abreast I have nothing tonight after Mrs. Perfect so if that’s a perfect size of passive not synonymous. I think this is Jeremy Clarkson Velcro on call no seller man who love you known obviously love that you know if the love the make those nice euros everything with your heart. Now are you call Marilyn and that mother Mike McMahon.

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SHOULD YOU GO TO CLASS? OLESYA LYUZNA • ARTWORK BY WENTING LI You know what it’s like: it’s Wednesday morning, the sky is an unpleasant shade of gray, and you’ve been up all night to get lucky with your latest essay. Quite frankly, the world doesn’t seem very inviting, and the mere thought of leaving the cosy warmth of your bed is enough to send shivers down your spine. As you open your eyes a thoroughly naughty thought pops into your head: what if you were to skip class this morning? An extra hour of sleep could do wonders for your mood… However, your truancy would have moral implications — already you feel guilty for even contemplating this extreme act of laziness. You’re mentally torn apart by the decision you need to make, and time is running out. Well have no fear, tired student, for Stranded is here to help! Take our simple quiz, and we’ll make up your mind for you.* 1. a) b) c) d)

When is your first class of the day?

Before sunrise, no kidding So early in the morning that it’s practically still night Three hours before the average person wakes up I don’t care, I love this class!

2. a) b) c)

Be honest: what did you do last night?

I spent the night with Mr. Robarts I kind of wish I remembered I streamed approximately 784,926 seasons of my favourite TV show 8 hours of beauty sleep

d) 3. a) b) c) d) 4. a) b) c) d) 5. a) b)

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Is there a java joint on the way to your first class?

Hell to the yes, and I have a gift card and a points card and a friend who works there No, but I have taken to inhaling the fumes from other people’s coffee cups Yes, but I will probably fall asleep on my way there Coffee? Who needs it? I’m high on life!

Do you have any way of obtaining the notes from your first class?

At this point I’ve made friends with 67% of my class I know a few people, but we’re usually too tired to make conversation I’ll just email the whole class when the exam rolls around, they won’t mind!

I keep in close touch with my prof and all the TAs, as well as everyone in my class, my department, and all the study groups

c) d)

How long will it take you to get to class?

15 minutes of walking across campus, but it feels like an hour 20 minutes on the TTC – that is, if one of the other passengers wakes me up on time Hours of suffering in public transit Who cares? Every step that gets me closer to class is worth it!

6. a) b) c) d)

How important is this class?

Let’s just say that there are a lot of things I’d rather do than fail it Eh, I don’t really care one way or another I can never really think in the morning anyway Every hour of learning is precious!

7. a) b) c) d)

Take a look out the window. What’s the weather like?

Thoroughly uninspiring, but isn’t it always like that?

5 minutes of exposure to this kind of cold is guaranteed to freeze my skin All of the pedestrians look like they’re in pain Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows!

8. a) b) c) d)

Final question: do you want to go to class?

Not really, but I’ll feel better about myself if I do I have a throbbing headache and I feel like I’m going to die I probably should, but I can miss it just this once, right?

There is nothing I want more!!!

YOUR RESULTS: MOSTLY A’S: This is just an average day in the life of a Uof T student. You might be reluctant to get up, but it sounds like your mind is already made up and you should go to your first class of the day.

So take a daring sip of your extra large coffee and seize the day!

MOSTLY B’S: Last night was rough, and it’s unlikely that you will be on your feet anytime soon. Honestly, even an attempt to get up is likely to end in tragedy.

So please do yourself (and everyone around you) a favour: take the day off.

MOSTLY C`S: Face it, you`ve set yourself up for this: you chose Netflix over sleep, and now you`re virtually glued to your bed. Your chances of actually making it to class are slim. It looks like you`re better off sleeping in and hoping that you don`t miss anything that will be on the test.

MOSTLY D`S: You`re on fire! The words coming out of your prof`s mouth are the air you breathe, and you wouldn’t miss this class for the world. So put on your thinking cap and go get `em, tiger! *Disclaimer: Results may vary. Please see an acaemic counselor before making truancy a lifestyle.