The Strand | Vol. 64, Issue 12

the

! e u

STRAND VICTORIA UNIVERSITY’S STUDENT NEWSPAPER VOLUME 64, ISSUE 12 | 29 MARCH 2022

T

e h

e Y

h E

w a

s s I

02 NEIGHWS

EDITORS | SARAH ABERNETHY AND DREW-ANNE GLENNIE NEWS@THESTRAND.CA

BREAKING: Members of Parliament meet to discuss ‘cowboy calamity’ Widespread cowboy mania continues to stump authorities as communities begin to panic ROY SHI STAFF WRANGLER

Members of Parliament convened in Ottawa late Friday night for an emergency meeting to discuss the rising number of reported incidents of a mysterious phenomenon that has swept the country in recent days. Across the country individuals are claiming that loved ones have begun to act erratically, leaving jobs, homes, and families behind in the middle of the night, apparently often riding away on household items such as broomsticks or vacuum cleaners while shouting “yeehaw!” In each instance, reports claim that victims experienced a number of sudden onset behavioural changes beforehand, including the adoption of a Southern accent, threatening violence “at high noon” and a compulsive urge to shop at Stetson.

Experts are still debating the cause of what has been termed “cowboy mania” by internet users on social media platforms such as Twitter and Facebook, but one common detail between many stories of afflicted victims has been that the behaviour began with the purchase of

a cowboy hat. At least, that’s what one person blamed for the disappearance of her son.

In an interview with The Strand, Stacy Johnson, a local grocer from Picton, Ontario, said that her son Thomas “just couldn’t resist buying that fucking hat.

I told him he looked stupid, but he wouldn’t listen to me. Thought it made him look ‘manly’ or something. Next thing I know, he’s wearing that crime against fashion around all the damn time. He’s an accountant for God’s sake! Have you ever seen a scrawny twenty-year-old wearing a cowboy hat with a dress shirt and khakis?

Let me tell you, there is nothing cool about that.”

Stories similar to Johnson’s have appeared in an increasing number of areas, varying in population, location, and size.

A number of experts from multiple fields have attempted to offer an explanation for what could be causing the bizarre behaviour, though without substantive evidence or research the Public Health Agency of Canada is reminding citizens that these are only conjectures.

Emily Kanumba, Assistant Director at the Edmonton Psychiatric Research

Institute, suggests that individuals may be succumbing to what she terms “CharacterObsessive Semantic-Psychic Language Accommodating Yearning,” or COSPLAY Syndrome.

“While we’ve never seen an example of COSPLAY Syndrome this severe on such a wide scale before, there’s definitely been research into this type of phenomenon in the past,” Kanumba told The Strand.

“This can be understood as an exaggerated extension of natural inclinations from media consumption, like trying to move a glass of wine towards you with the Force after watching Star Wars and accidentally staining the carpet.” When asked about the specificity of her example, Kanumba declined further explanation.

Despite various possibilities brought forth by Kanumba and other scientific professionals, no one has been able to explain how cowboy mania has spread so rapidly or why these cases are occurring now. Until more conclusive research is done, the Government of Canada is currently advising all citizens to remain indoors when possible, throw out all cowboy-inspired outfits, and avoid any films starring Clint Eastwood at all costs.

VUSAC President skips town to pursue cowboy dreams From fledgling student politician to saloon-renowned wrangler, student body responds WILD WEST CORRESPONDENT STRAND NEWS

Prior to his departure, President Raguindin also made various executive order changes This just in: VUSAC president Jerico Miguel which will affect the Victoria College student Brilliantes Raguindin has made an official body. These include the following mandates: statement of resignation after being spotted yesterday riding bareback on a horse into the - Once a month, residence students are required to partake in emergency drills for “Stampede sunset outside the Goldring Student Centre.

Witnesses report that President Raguindin Response Efforts” as well as “Lasso Code of was yelling something about completing his Conduct Training” pursuit in the golden horseshoe, and “moo-ing - The Victoria College student lounge, The Cat’s Eye, is to rebrand as The Bull’s Eye Saloon on to bigger and better things.”

The Strand has exclusively acquired the - Student fees will be upped 0.4% in order to account for Raguindin’s “Boot Fund” following letter to Victoria University: “Yeehaw partners, All the rumours are true, I’ve run away to become a cowboy. I’m done dealing with varmints, I tell ya. I’m done with bootlicking and bellyaching. Horses are much better company. They’re magnificent loyal creatures.

Few people know this, but I’ve based my leadership style at VUSAC off of Catherine the Great, and in fact, she’s quite adept at handling horses too, I’ve heard. I’ll always be starry-eyed at VUSAC for teaching me how to corral wild students and calm down annoyed people, giving me the mental fortitude to live in Alberta.

Living my best equestrian life, Buckeye Jer”

To some more than others, these changes come unsurprisingly.

A student employee at recently renamed Calf-fiends testifies: “Jerico? A cowboy? I’m not surprised. He tries to be discreet, however I always see him use Ranch dressing on his salads. He doesn’t even like condiments!! He even chooses the Jolly Ranchers from the candy bin outside the VUSAC office.”

Other students are much more sceptical of their President’s new profession: An anonymous VUSAC council member asserted: “I am not confident Jerico could fit the cowboy lifestyle after holding the position of VUSAC president. He has meetings all day and rarely horses around with us at work. I think it is time he turns the udder cheek and moooves on from his cowboy dreams.”

In a follow-up interview Raguindin commented that he now officially endorses cowgirl as the best sex position known to mankind. He refrained from further elaboration.

This is a developing story. More to come.

PHOTO | JAIME REIMER & KIM NGAN PHUNG

NEIGHWS 03

@STRANDPAPER THE STRAND | 29 MARCH 2022

Unsaddled: Interview with Corona Cowboy An investigation into Toronto’s real life cowboy

ILLUSTRATION | AIDA JAVAN BROOKE COLLINS COWTRIBUTOR

In the dead of night, you exit Toronto’s last saloon, the best watering hole this side of the South. A tumbleweed rolls by. All is calm until, there in the distance, comes a noise. Could that be the trodding of hooves? A lone rider in the night sidles up to the streetcar stop. The lights of the 7-11 reflect off his cowboy hat, veiling his face. His trusty stallion appears. The sound has become unmistakable. His stallion is not a stallion after all, but a skateboard.

He’s no stranger to this town. You have come face to face with the cowboy ‘round these parts, best known as Corona Cowboy.

Corona Cowboy (@coronacowboy69) blew up on the internet when videos featuring him shotgunning beers and skating in cowboy boots and heels went viral. Often seen cruising the streets of downtown Toronto with his cowboy hat, he’s become a bit of a local legend (in addition to his TikTok fame).

Whether or not you’ve found yourself in this situation, I’m sure you have some questions for Toronto’s real life cowboy. We’ve got the answers for you: read on for a word-for-word, firsthand account of the wild life of a true cowboy in the city.

The Strand: How did you come up with the name Corona Cowboy?

Corona Cowboy: A lot of Corona beers with my buddies. And then COVID happened, so it just kinda became a thing.

What about the cowboy aesthetic appeals to you?

Cowboys are hot.

Some might question the validity of a cowboy who grew up in the city. Rest assured, we’ve made sure he’s the real deal.

Have you ever ridden a horse?

Yes, in Boy Scouts. His name was Bronco.

Do you listen to a lot of country music on your own? What’s the best country song to skate to?

The first country song I fell in love with was “Neon Moon” [by Brooks and Dunn], it’s a song about love and heartbreak and drinking and that’s

what I think about when skating.

Every true cowboy has a backstory. Sometimes the best ones require few words.

When did you get your first cowboy hat?

Lol I stole it at a bar.

When did you get into skating?

Probably grade 8, idk.

wear, you can wear what you want.

To see what kind of trick riding this cowboy gets up to, you can watch his skate videos on TikTok or Instagram.

What trick are you most proud of landing?

My Favourite trick is Nollie back heel.

If the internet likes two things, it’s cowboys His trusty steed has taken him many places. To and skaters. figure out where the cowboys hang out, you’ve got to look for the horses tied out back. We’ve done you a Were you surprised when your TikTok favour and just asked Corona Cowboy where you started blowing up? should go.

Yeah, I still don’t get it. My friends still make fun of me for it.

What’s the best cowboy saloon in Toronto?

City Pool, lol.

How did you end up skating in heels and boots? Did this come before or after you started What’s the best skating spot in the city? posting?

MEC parking lot because that’s where a lot of One night, I was out at the bar and this girl the videos went viral. wanted to try my board. She took her heels off to try and skate and I put on her heels. I realized that If you frequent these spots, you may even see I can skate pretty good in heels. It was a couple the lone rider himself. years later that I posted my first viral video in heels and that’s how it started.

Do people ever recognize you skating around the city?

And now, we turn to the question on everybody’s Yeah sometimes, it’s weird and I’m shy. minds. We’ve heard why he chose the name Corona Cowboy, but is he willing to put all his horses on At this point, you’re probably wondering where Corona being the best brew? cowboys are made. You may think they only come from the Wild West, but in this case, look no further Is Corona the best beer? Could you ever be than Hogtown. the Busch cowboy?

I liked Corona at the start, but Busch has my Did you grow up in Toronto? heart.

Oui. Watch out, Toronto. There’s only room for one In bringing a little country to the city’s skate scene, cowboy in this town. Don’t try to enter a high noon we’ve got to know more about the other riders in the standoff, because these boots have already been filled. city. This isn’t Corona Cowboy’s first rodeo.

Do you think Toronto needs more cowboys?

What do you think of the skate scene in No, just me.

Toronto?

I think the skate scene is soft and could use a So there you have it: a look into Toronto’s last good kick in the ass. standing cowboy. Yeehaw! All you city-slickers, take a cue from Corona Cowboy and save a horse, ride a Do you think the skate community is skateboard. accepting of non-traditional skateboarding fits?

I think once you stop caring about what you

04 COUNTRY BREADITORIAL

Sweet niblets, life is a rodeo!

the

strand V O L U M E

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF | KHADIJA ALAM EDITOR@THESTRAND.CA

Vol. 64, as told through Hannah Montana song titles

6 4

editor-in-chief

khadija alam

managing editor

holly johnstone

editor@thestrand.ca

managing@thestrand.ca business manager

yasmine shelton

business@thestrand.ca news

news@thestrand.ca opinions

sarah abernethy drew-anne glennie

emma paidra

opinions@thestrand.ca features

anna sokolova

features@thestrand.ca science

jess nash

science@thestrand.ca arts and culture

janna abbas

artsandculture@thestrand.ca stranded

victoria mcintyre

stranded@thestrand.ca copyediting

faith wershba

copy@thestrand.ca design

mahathi gandhamaneni

design@thestrand.ca photo

kim ngan phung

photo@thestrand.ca art

seavey van walsum

art@thestrand.ca podcast

sidharth sachdev

strandcast@thestrand.ca adam lam web

web@thestrand.ca jiwoo oh social media

socialmedia@thestrand.ca kalliopé anvar mccall distribution manager

distribution@thestrand.ca editorial assistants

pooja ajit eva chang kieran guimond max lees mayumi ramos jane wen

associate editors news emma mackenzie

opinions abi akinlade

features tehlan lenius

science jasmine kang

arts and culture rion levy

stranded sarah burns

copyediting roensa salija

art shelley yao

web bronwen prince

copy editors kieran guumond, jane wen design team mahathi gandhamaneni, khadija alam cover art seavey van walsum

The Strand has been the newspaper of record for Victoria University since 1953. It is published 12 times a year with a circulation of 1200 and is distributed in Victoria University buildings and across the University of Toronto’s St. George campus.

The Strand flagrantly enjoys its editorial autonomy and is committed to acting as an agent of constructive social change. As such, we will not publish material deemed to exhibit racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, or other oppressive language.

@STRANDPAPER WWW.THESTRAND.CA

KHADIJA ALAM COWBOY-IN-CHIEF

I may be a student in one of the largest cities in the world, but I’ve spent most of my life in Southern Ontarian suburbia—so I know a thing or two about country living.

Well, okay, I’m from Milton, Ontario, so my experience was more like this weird blend of urban and rural life. Aside from volunteering at my elementary school teacher’s farm and hanging out with my friends at the one mall in our town, my favourite hobby was watching Hannah Montana. I mean, I could totally relate to how Miley Stuart was caught somewhere between embracing her country roots and breaking away from them to be a city girl.

And, of course, being on the Disney Channel, all of the songs on the show and in the movie had great messages that kids could relate to. Songs about how being an “Ordinary Girl” is totally okay, and about how a “True Friend” is all that really matters in life, and about how the “Single Dad Blues” can really suck. But I’ve found that a lot of the songs are still relevant to my life. Let me give y’all some examples: Whoever says that hybrid learning is the “Best of Both Worlds” has clearly never had an online and an in-person class back-to-back.

Taking off my pyjamas to put on my “Old Blue Jeans” feels so wrong now.

I’m “Gonna Get This,” I say as I take my first in-person exam after two years of writing take-home final assessments. (I got about halfway through before time was up).

“Nobody’s Perfect”—except all of the dogs that walk by the Vic quad. All of them!

“I Wanna Know [Who] You” Are, I think to myself as I add more red string and pictures to my New Vic President evidence board in The Strand’s office. (Laverne Smith & Associates, please give us the scoop on who the new President is).

“7 Things” The Strand did this year. (Okay yeah this one isn’t a Hannah Montana song. But I’m not even trying to be funny in this section, so just let me go off the rails here.)

1. Return to our regular print production schedule in a fully remote newsroom.

2. Introduce an investigative news portfolio called Unravelled.

3. Publish a nine-month-long award-winning investigation.

4. Collaborate with BLVCK and VicPride.

5. Interview some fantastic people (including Cheri DiNovo and Eric Walters).

6. Win two John H. McDonald awards (out of four nominations).

7. And the seventh thing I love the most that we did: Work together to

share the stories that are important to Vic students.

Mother trucker, dude. Writing all that sentimental stuff hurt like a buttcheek on a stick. I’ll stop horsing around and officially welcome you to Volume 64’s edition of The Strand’s annual humour issue—the Yeehaw Issue. Thank you to our Stranded team, Victoria McIntyre and Sarah Burns, for taking the reins on this one. This issue includes some hard-hitting Neighws about the VUSAC President’s scandalous secret life as a cowboy; Unsaddled features an exclusive interview with TikTok sensation Corona Cowboy.

In Moopinions, y’all can find a definitive ranking of the sexiest cowboys we know. You’ve heard of Aritzia’s Melina Pant, now get ready for the very scientific Melina Milk—read about it in Stallions.

This issue’s Yeeture story is for all the former horse girls out there.

And in Stranded @ the Ranch, we say goodbye to Saucy Suzy through her final column and we help you answer a very pressing question: Which cowboy ranch is your dream home?

In my Orientation Issue editorial back in September, I wrote that navigating university and life in the midst of a pandemic feels like wandering aimlessly through a never-ending maze. Well, now I’m writing to let you know that “You’ll Always Find Your Way Back Home.”

Sweet niblets, yall!

Special shoutout to The Strand's Staff: Albert Cheng, Faith Dong, Adriana Goraieb, Ashvini Giridaran, Helen Ho, Aida Javan, Stefania Kuczynski, YoonJi Kweon, Amie Leung, Angie Lo, Davide Sallese, Roy Shi, Natalie Song, and Tammy Yu

MOOPINIONS 05

EDITOR | EMMA PAIDRA OPINIONS@THESTRAND.CA

Sexiest cowboys: Dead or alive Wanted... but just for myself

hot in a rat kind of way.

Rating: 10/10

KIERAN GUIMOND COUNTRY BREADITORIAL ASSISTANT

From the mid-1800s’ Wild West, to present day photo shoots featuring those iconic boots and hats, cowboys are certainly well known for being sex symbols. As a cowboy appreciator (both historical and fictional), I believe this makes me perfectly qualified to rank famous cowboys based on how much they make me shake in my boots. For clarification: I am using cowboy as a gender-neutral term; we’re not looking at gender here, this is a vibes only event.

Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain I will admit something quite shameful…

I’ve never, in fact, watched this movie. All my knowledge comes from assorted gifs on the Internet—specifically, that one scene with the most aggressive kiss I have ever seen in my life. Setting aside the plot of the movie, Jake Gyllenhaal is objectively a very attractive man.

Putting him in a cowboy hat… and with that jacket? I am looking disrespectfully.

Rating: 9/10 Owen Wilson in Night at the Museum Haven’t we all wanted to be a miniature wax cowboy in love with a tiny wax Roman general? Jedidah gets points for being a classic cowboy, with a line from his Wiki reading that he is a “true at heart cowboy,” as well as for having a substantial amount of homoerotic tension. (Also, did you know there’s going to be a new Night at the Museum movie released this year? I didn’t.)

Rating: 8/10

Lil Nas X *Insert Lady Gaga’s “Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, showstopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not Annie Oakley ever been done before” gif* What more has to Bonus points for being the only historical be said? Music + fashion king. We love to see figure on this list, as well as being the only it. woman. I would recommend Googling her, 10/10 because she’s just so incredible. She’s well known Those Two Guys from My Own Private for her iconic trick shots, such as shooting cigarettes out of her husband’s mouth, and for Idaho Another iconic gay cowboy movie that I also teaching thousands of women how to shoot.

Rating: 8/10 haven’t seen. These two get lumped together because they’re played by River Phoenix and Cowboy from The Boys in the Band (2020 Keanu Reeves, who are both very pretty men and I couldn’t decide between them. NGL, I movie version) Objectively this man is not a cowboy, have no actual idea what this movie is about, but based purely on eye candy, it looks quite but is in fact a sex worker who was hired as a birthday gift. He has never had a thought in fun. his life, and isn’t that the most attractive thing Rating: 8/10 in a man? He gets thrown into all the drama without a say, and we never even learn his real name. Himbo icon.

Rating: 9/10 Honorary Mention: My Plant, Cowboy Named after the aforementioned Boys in the Band character, this little fellow sits on my desk and provides me joy in my otherwise dull and depressing life.

Rating: 11/10 <3

Woody Another iconic fictional cowboy, but unlike the others on the list, he is so boring, oh my god. You’re literally a toy cowboy—where’s the flare, where’s the drama? Also, he’s painfully heterosexual.

Rating: 0/10 Jonny d’Ville For the uninitiated, Jonny is the captain first mate of The Mechanisms, which is a group of space pirates and also a concept band. He is from New Texas, which effectively makes him a space cowboy. He gets bonus points for being chaotic and committing every crime known to man (except the sexual ones), as well as being

06 MOOPINIONS

@STRANDPAPER THE STRAND | 29 MARCH 2022

“Cowboy” is on the way out Here’s what’s next

ILLUSTRATION | SEAVEY VAN WALSUM

JULIA RAPAI COWTRIBUTOR

Cowboys have been dominating the cultural zeitgeist for the last few years: cowboy parties, chic western wear, country music made by hot people. But if The Strand knows about it, that means it has already been dead for six months. I’m a trend forecaster for Teen Vogue and The Economist (in foreign affairs). Here are my predictions for the next big cultural moment: 1. JUST COW. In 2022, we’re dropping the boy because we’re all about celebrating awesome women (all cows are girls). Boy is now reserved for “farm,” “little drummer,” and “Soulja.”

2. HAVING A QUIZZICAL MIND. On the horizon, we will be thinking about many different things and being curious. Many of us will be asking questions we have never asked before, and stopping at nothing to get our answers!

3. HOT PEOPLE WORKING AT CANADA POST. This new aesthetic will be all about kneelength navy shorts and having gorgeously sculpted calves because you walk a lot.

4. HAUNTED DOLLS. Many of us will be both owning and dressing like haunted dolls. We will be finding them on eBay and purchasing matching looks for nights out with our girlies. Think American Girls with vengeful spirits who have been wronged in death— that’s who we will be getting bottle service for at the club.

appreciation for weather appropriate outerwear. We will be feeling soooo little and cute in our warm outfits.

8. YOUR MOM’S CELEBRITY CRUSH. Roger Federer. Idris Elba. The guy from Outlander. Michelle Williams. (Your mom is bi.) We will be trusting mom's perfect taste and embracing the vibe of these handsome middle-aged hunks. (And 5. DRINKING ONE IPA. This trend is all about chilling out with Michelle Williams!) your friends or rolling solo. It’s about 9. MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT. embracing the whimsical chaos of life, This is THE new hot girl vibe. We will sitting back in your lawn chair and thinking be wearing sparkly leotards, a big tophat, to yourself, “huh, ain’t that something?” releasing pigeons from our sleeves, and getting sawed in half. And that’s just the 6. JACOB TREMBLAY (AGAIN).

Jacob Tremblay made a huge splash pregame! when he came on the scene in 2015. In 2022 he’s back, and we will all be embracing his 10. SKIPPING A STAIR WHILE little sweetheart aesthetic. Think Tremblay- GOING UPSTAIRS. themed birthdays, bachelor parties, and The next moment in culture is all about going somewhere and going there fast. even baby showers.

Thus, we will be skipping stairs and turning around while we do it to look at the other 7. TODDLERS IN BIG COATS. Finally, these unsung heroes will be people on the stairs and then we will be like getting the hype they deserve! We will be “guys it’s faster if you skip a stair!” adopting a childlike wonder and an

STALLIONS 07

EDITOR | JESS NASH SCIENCE@THESTRAND.CA

Melina Milk: The new cow's milk Poog.com Blog Post #1038 GWENDOLYN POOGLOW COWTRIBUTOR

Dear disciples, Now that the health benefits of the Marble Butthole Egg and the ‘This Smells Like My Butthole’ candle are indisputable, I believe that I’ve earned your trust and can now divulge my greatest health secret yet—one that Big Government REALLY doesn’t want you to know. Prepare yourselves, my Poogies: this one will really shock you.

There are three major mysteries of our time: one, which milk alternative is the best? (#savethecows); two, what exactly are the notorious Aritzia Melina ‘leather’ pants made of, if not cowhide? (#savethosecows); three, why are the Aritzia employees so miserable? Trouble your pretty little detoxified heads no more, my Poo-Poos, for I have the answer to all three.

During my latest trip to the shopping

mall in Beverly Hills (are they getting dirtier? Check out our Bad Vibe Repellant Spray, $98) I was recognized— so embarrassing!—by an Aritzia employee who requested my expertise. She led me through an adorable little secret passageway in the employee washroom to the sweetest, most well decorated dungeon hovel I’ve ever seen! All the girls on break were lined up and turned off—you heard that right! They use hyper-realistic humanoid cyborgs instead of people for employees! Talk about avoiding those pesky unions, amiright? Anyways, it turns out that these newly engineered creatures have flesh really similar to leather and, get this, they’re constantly lactating! I think that’s SO brave of them. Aritzia has developed a special machine to remove a layer of their skin each week, dye it, and bam—Melina pants! My employee guide asked me if I thought this was healthy, and I said of course! Seems like a great way to exfoliate.

What I don’t understand, however, is

why they aren’t making use of that sweet, sweet cyborg milk! From what I can gather, it’s completely natural and unpasteurized.

I collected some in a jar during my visit, drank it that night, and let me tell you, Poo-Bears, it went STRAIGHT through me (in the best way ;)). A clear win over oat and rice milk, if you ask me, because let’s be honest, do we really know what’s in those?

Mysteries one and two: solved. As for the third, the Aritzia cyborgs are either sentient and unsatisfied with a life of bodily servitude, or they just need to try my new organic mood-boosting tea! I choose to believe the latter.

With that, sweet Poopies, I leave you only with a GLOWING recommendation for Melina Milk: my new collaboration with Aritzia, available for preorder on Poog.com May 1!

Kisses, Gwendolyn Pooglow

Eco-Friendly 2-in-1 Spinach Juicer and Enema,

Gwendolyn’s Organic Fermented Toe Jam, $799

$1299

“Cured my husband’s leaky gut syndrome. I

“Is eating spinach ever just not enough?”

SWEAR.”

Forest Birth Baby Hammock!! $899 “The first thing YOUR newborn touches should be 100% unrefined HEMP”

08 YEETURES

EDITOR | ANNA SOKOLOVA FEATURES@THESTRAND.CA

ILLUSTRATION | YOON-JI KWEON AND VIJAY VERMA

A stranger’s guide to the ranch BARBARA ATHANASOULAS COWTRIBUTOR

There is a bottomless, unabashed level of passion that is exclusive to the experience of being a preteen girl. As women come of age, those passions are generally dismissed as the byproduct of puberty’s hormonal process and ridiculed as “cringe.” The object of that passion could be anything: boy bands, an obscure Norwegian teen TV drama, or animal-related hobbies, to name a few. To capture some of this passion and analyze what it did for us, I had three friends (very graciously) agree to discuss their pasts as self-identifying Horse Girls: Tara Costello, Julia Pape, and Felicity Freerein.

As a mere observer of Horse Girl culture, I came into the conversation with a few questions prepared and very little prior knowledge. By the end, I was thoroughly fascinated; I ended our Zoom roundtable with more respect and curiosity for a passion that has been overtaking young women for generations. I share this knowledge here to shine a barn-light on the overlooked haybale of the lasting effect of Horse

Girl phases.

To start, distinctions and definitions must be established. The first is a distinction between Horse Girls proper, and the girls who wanted to be horses.

Tara: They’re two separate things. Like, no offense, if you like to run around and pretend that you are the horse, power to you. But we are not the same, we are not the same.

Julia: Agreed.

Second, there are several categories (or rankings) of Horse Girls.

Julia: I was definitely in the lower echelon of horsegirl-dom. [...] If you were a “real” Horse Girl you did equestrian, or [...] did the competitions, or at the very least, you took lessons. Then, there was a level below where you would habitually and pretty frequently go ride a horse. And then you had my level, where you did, like, two lessons one summer and you felt really cool about it.

And then [a level] below me—which I also dabbled in—was what I think is like a Horse Girlto-theater-kid pipeline setup, where you would kind of play Saddle Club and gallop around the schoolyard.

(For the uninitiated, The Saddle Club was a popular TV show among Horse Girls of the early 2000s and 2010s.)

These rankings of Horse Girls are relative to one’s proximity and access to horses.

Felicity mentioned that—along with needing a clean page of Google results for any future employers—putting her real name on this piece might garner flack from family and the “real” Horse Girls back home.

Felicity: I am from a small town, and grew up definitely the most “in the city” of my cousins in the area. So like, I have cousins who grew up on an acreage with horses, and I was just the one who would go visit the horses.

My mum boarded a horse, so I was always in there and all in the thick of it, but I was still in the “city,” and so now that I’m in “the big city,” I don’t need my family finding that I’m attached to something with the term “Horse Girl” on it, because it’s either gonna be like “what are you doing at school, why are we paying for this?” or like, “you weren’t ever actually Horse Girl enough to do this: you never did rodeo, you never had a horse of your own.”

YEETURES 09

@STRANDPAPER THE STRAND | 29 MARCH 2022

We had to address the misconceptions about what being a Horse Girl meant for preteens, both socially and personally. I had assumed that being a Horse Girl was a source of ostracization as a child, and something not to be spoken of as an adult. Instead, I found that a Horse Girl’s past was not an embarrassing secret meant to be kept; otherwise, this article wouldn’t exist as it is. Horse-girling doesn’t become a source of embarrassment until long after the phase has passed its peak.

Felicity: [I] definitely didn’t experience [mockery] as a kid, but now, if [I tell someone] “yeah I was a Horse Girl [in] elementary school,” there’s a big reaction, like, “Yeah, of course you were a Horse Girl.”

Tara: I don’t ever remember someone making a comment to me, because my Horse Girl phase hit its peak [in] like, grades six to eight. And then it kind of continued through high school, but I wasn’t that vocal about it, so I don't remember anyone teasing me.

The acceptance of horse-girlery is assisted by the flocking that happens among all tween girls with similar interests. Be they Beliebers or Tumblr grunge girls, we all find our people.

Julia: I also don't remember anything negative from other people, but that also might be because I just surrounded myself with other Horse Girls, so I don't really know what people were saying about us. [They] could have been [saying] horrendous things, but I have no idea.

Overall, it seemed that horse-girldom was a positive space for my interviewees. My interviewees looked back fondly on their horse past, and even wished to return to it.

Barbara: Is [horse-riding] something you want to return to as adults?

Tara: Yes! Felicity: Yes, yes.

Julia: Yes. If I get rich I'm buying a horse— first thing.

The question that remains is: Why? Why horses? Why girls? Why does the love endure?

Why is Horse Girl such a common identity among young women?

The Horse Girl experience is not merely an obsession with an animal—it is an outlet for teen angst and a route for self-discovery.

The preteen experience is a fraught one, especially for young girls who are constantly treading the line between being infantilized for their appropriately juvenile hobbies, and being expected to mature at a rapid rate to accommodate the adults around them.

It wasn’t about the horses, or the barns, or the cute, mysterious, bad-boy farmhand love interest in every Horse Girl piece of media.

Okay, maybe it was a little bit. But mainly, being a Horse Girl was the first sense of freedom that some girls ever had.

Tara: This is something I’ve thought about recently quite a bit […] I don't think there’s any freer feeling—at least for me—than cantering on a horse. I don't know, something about that was

just such a vibe. The first time I ever did it was an accident, because the horse I was riding got spooked, and I was so afraid to do it. And then, once I learned how to do it, it was—it's like the most out of control but free feeling that you [can] feel. And I want to ride again just to feel the rush.

An integral part of the Horse Girl identity was partaking in Horse Girl media. Plenty of this media served as wish-fulfillment for the many girls who may not have had the money or ease of access to horseback riding lessons. It also often belonged to the not like other girls genre, a common trope in coming-of-age narratives.

The villain was usually another Horse Girl, but one who was less worthy, or in it for the wrong reasons.

Tara: I remember vividly reading this one book (I don't remember the title), but it was typical—the protagonist was like [this] poor Horse Girl, you know, just trying to clean stables to afford her lessons. And then there was [the] mean rich Horse Girl, and they were lowkey fighting over this one horse and then in the end the mean Horse Girl got completely owned because the poor main character’s bond with the horse was stronger. And I remember reading that and being like, “This is the best feeling of my entire life.”

Julia: That reminds me of all the episodes of Saddle Club, [and that] Veronica— Tara: Yes! Julia: The one episode where they almost send her to her death because they find fool's gold— remember this?

Tara: Yes! Julia: And they think that it’s real and she literally falls and breaks all her bones.

The Horse Girl narrative is about the bond of horse and girl being stronger and more enduring than money, training, or status. A salient aspect of Horse Girl narratives was validation, since they told preteens that they were enough: not because they had the money, but because they had an instinct that was intrinsic to their moral character. For the many Horse Girls without the money and access to a horse, this core message secured their hopes. They didn’t have to have money—they were already inherently good.

Julia: That was always the thing—there’s an unruly horse, [that] has a special connection to you, and so, even though it’s not your own horse, you’re the only one that can ride [them].

The fantasy has a unique appeal to girls between the ages of ten to fourteen. The peak of a Horse Girl phase often coincides with the most tumultuous years of puberty, when young people are trying to find themselves and their place in the world. The Horse Girl experience offered another path, where validation came from the protagonist’s connection with the horse, rather than a love interest or change in social status.

Felicity: It’s an underdog story, but it's also absolutely a girl story, where usually there's some sort of girl-on girl-bullying and [...] boys aren't really involved […] It is for a tween or a kid who's

not yet concerned about relationships or other aspects of identity, [but instead in] finding a path through that feeling of awkwardness. [There’s] a very clear hero’s journey, but also there's horses— which you love! [That] is the appeal.

Growing up, we are often scared to put ourselves out there. But with Horse Girls, the fear of falling was matched by the courage to get back up and keep riding.

Tara: [Riding] taught me so much about perseverance. I actually had kind of like a typical Gorse Girl arc [...] in the sense that I fell off my horse once, and I remember being like “this is the moment I have to get back on” and like I got—you know—scared for a couple lessons after that because I was like “I don’t want that to happen again, that hurt.” So much about [riding] is just trusting the horse, [...] communicating to the horse what you want to do. But trusting the horse is a really good tool [for] teaching how to work together, how to communicate non-verbally with something.

Horse-girlery was never just about the riding boots or cowboy hat aesthetic. It wasn’t about having the wealth to own a horse. Horsegirling was an outlet, a means of self-discovery that young women have been seeking out for generations.

Julia: I always think about why this was so much of a thing for girls. And then I was talking to my dad about it, [...] I asked him and he said that there were other girls that were like that too when he was a kid. So it’s not a new thing.[...] I think that [the] fantasy of empowerment is part of it, too. Because [...] my peak phase was between like first grade to fifth grade [...]. At that time, I don't really remember much of the empowering girl media being around.

I think that there's kind of nothing more empowering and powerful than taming this wild beast and being in control [...] being connected to nature (like all the [Disney] Princesses were) but in a really self-fulfilling and exciting way—I think that was part of the fantasy, too. And I don’t know why we get flack for it, because the boys get to be car boys and I think it’s the same kind of ideology.

The boys get to like their cowboy movies, so why can’t I like my horsey?

Horse Girls are girl power at its most concentrated. The bond between Horse Girls provides a baseline of I get it, I get you. It’s a jumping-off point for building relationships and fostering goodwill.

Barbara: Very important last thing! We must know: favorite horse breed?

Julia: Mine’s a clydesdale— Tara: —mine’s a clydesdale!

Felicity: I was about to say clydesdale.

Julia: We should kiss, I love a clydesdale.

To be (or have been) a Horse Girl is to identify with countless girls and women from all generations and walks of life. It is to be part of a tradition of self-discovery through forging a bond with a beast of nature as a means of coming of age.

10 AGRICULTURE

EDITOR | JANNA ABBAS ARTSANDCULTURE@THESTRAND.CA

Yeehaw xo baby A playlist review ILLUSTRATION | YOON-JI KWEON

ANYA SHEN COWTRIBUTOR

Hi, my name is Anya. I worked at the Calgary Stampede for one day. I learned how to drive, trying not to cry while passing 14-wheelers on the AB-1 as my dad got distracted by the mountains. So yes, I am totally a certified cowboy™. Anyways, here are some songs: “cowboy like me” by Taylor Swift In each of us there are two cowboys: the one lurking in the dark, counting skeletons in the closet, and giving up dancing to commit sad romance crimes…

“Dime Store Cowgirl” by Kacey Musgraves …and the one painting pink glitter hearts on a trailer while wearing a plastic tiara. Texas is a big, bad, scary place to be in today, so I think that taking us out of the country and instead thriving on the country within sounds pretty good.

“Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison It’s the deep wistful sigh before the song for me.

Would recommend for late-night walks home from Robarts.

“Old Town Road (feat. Billy Ray Cyrus)” by Lil Nas X There will be a potluck dinner next Thursday hosted in celebration of queer excellence of colour moving into cowboy town. Attendance will be mandatory.

“Take Me Home, Country Roads (feat.

Waxahatchee)” by Whitney I have this fever dream of a memory from high school Model UN: a bunch of IB kids, wearing business attire as subpar as their understanding of international politics, bursting into a song about West Virginia in a sweaty gym. I swear I didn’t imagine it. To my MUN friends, please enjoy a gorgeous cover of this little song we love.

“Desperado” by Eagles Sometimes I wish I could just pack up my sad nonsense and leave. Ride into the sunset with my hands wrapped around the reigns of my steed and never come back.

“You’ve Got a Friend in Me” by Randy Newman This is a Toy Story song. Toy Story songs are automatically cowboy songs. “When She Loved Me”

by Sarah McLachlan would probably have been the superior Toy Story song, but that one makes me cry.

“Work That” by Megan Thee Stallion Yes, sometimes hearing Megan go on about rodeos while I try to create the illusion of good eyebrows makes me feel great about myself at 7:30 in the morning.

Leave me alone.

“Stranger” by Trixie Mattel Hello Trixie Mattel fans—are you looking for an absolute icon, legend, pioneer of a gay country grandpa? Go check out Lavender Country. Cowboy fact: the original version of this song, “I Can’t Shake the Stranger Out of You” by Lavender Country, was released nearly 50 years ago in 1973! “cowboy in LA” by LANY I listen to this when I feel like a lost child in Toronto.

“Let’s skip the club, let’s skip the crowd.” It’s not social anxiety, it’s just my bona fide pastoral romanticism.

“Cowboy Casanova” by Carrie Underwood Just like Carrie said, I think we all need to do a little more yelling at manipulative men.

“Girl Crush” by Little Big Town It’s not a gay song. It’s a Sappho-writing-serenadesabout-women-but-really-it’s-about-their-men-buddies kind of thing. So…it’s a gay song. I don’t know man, I think “I want her long blonde hair” means exactly what it means. Every cowboy playlist needs a bisexual anthem.

“Cowboy Take Me Away” by The Chicks I’m picturing a runaway wedding, poetry reading in the woods, and a long-haul drive to visit your favourite people with a pie in the backseat.

“Space Cowboy” by Kacey Musgraves Pure musical genius.

“Saskatchewan” by Les Trois Accords It’s time to add “Saskatchewan, tu m’a pris ma femme” to your “voulez-vous coucher avec moi.”

Seavey, I promise I will remember to submit our projet culturel before the due date.

“Pumpkin Cowboy” by Brian David Gilbert A fine addition to my regular ritual of reviewing BDG’s entire discography at the cursed hour of 1 am.

If I taught grade 12 English, I would make my students analyze this masterpiece as a means of understanding

the hero’s journey. If I taught grade 12 English, you can bet my classroom would have thrift store puppets, green screens, and gourds.

“Clara Frazer, Clara Frazer” by Lavender Country She’s a commie! She’s a dyke! She’s a striker! A wage hiker!

“Dead of Night” by Orville Peck Shout out to Kieran. I, too, would hit the strange canyon road with you in the dead of night.

“Dicked Down in Dallas” by Trey Lewis The mysterious stranger who walks into the saloon requires a dramatic exit imbued with poignant, thought-provoking moral ambiguity. It is only right that the final song on my playlist serves the symbolic function of such a denouement. Listen at your own risk, and I shall bid you farewell. Yeehaw baby.

ILLUSTRATION | YOON-JI KWEON

AGRICULTURE 11

@STRANDPAPER THE STRAND | 29 MARCH 2022

I wear cowboy boots constantly—and the world hates me for it You call it bizarre and concerning. I call it authenticity.

ILLUSTRATION | SHELLEY YAO TAHMEED SHAFIQ VA(rsity)GABOND

I am the last true member of my species, a truly masculine individual in a world of social decay. I wear boot-cut jeans and cowboy boots. And I am a social pariah.

You see, I’ve recently discovered that my life’s purpose is to live like a cowboy from the Wild West, as the spiritual descendant of the great adventurers of the past.

Across campus, you’ll find an endless sea of Docs, Converses, and Blundstone Chelsea boots. But you won’t find many cowboy boots. I wear my pointytoed, vegan leather boots with pride. When people hear the jangle of my overpriced decorative spurs, they know they’re in the presence of someone with a truly authentic sense of style.

My ‘friends’ don’t understand. They ridicule me for my decisions.

They say things like, “Brett, we know your film prof rejected your thesis proposal about the history of Western cinema, but this is not the way to cope, man.”

They mock me with insults like, “Bro, you’ve been wearing those cowboy boots for three weeks straight.

Please take them off. They’re starting to smell.”

Their cruel remarks ring in my ears. Remarks like, “We know you’re obsessed with how Benedict Cumberbatch lived like a cowboy for weeks to prepare for his role in The Power of the Dog, but no one is paying you to do this.”

Technically, they are correct. But technicalities have never mattered to my folk. We haven’t wrangled cattle for generations just to be undone by technicalities.

Technically, I was born in London, Ontario.

But emotionally, I was born under the wild plains of

Montana.

Some people might say I’m taking this too far, that I should talk to someone over my extreme overreaction to academic failure.

To my critics I have only this to say: this town ain’t big enough for the two of us.

I’m not giving in. I will still win classroom arguments with the phrase, “I never got much schooling, but I learned to take the measure of a man, and you ain’t up to it.”

I’ll still take a raw bison liver to any potlucks I’m

invited to—not because DiCaprio ate one in The Revenant, but because that’s just the kind of meal you get in the wilderness. No beans, just raw meat, and not one spark to cook it with.

And when have household objects thrown at me and am shouted out of the potluck, I’ll gather my trusty boots from the pile of other, unremarkable shoes, and I’ll smile. And once you close the door, you’ll still hear the sweet, sweet music of me and my boots going our own way.

Every country song you’ve ever heard With the hip hop twist we all deserve ASHVINI GIRIDARAN COWTRIBUTOR

VERSE 1 The second you walked into the bar off Church Street In that pretty little Celine T-shirt Dripped out like the Houston heat with a smile so mean I said a prayer that I wouldn’t get too turnt CHORUS Cause you’re pretty like a back road in summer One that I wanna explore every damn curve to I got some big shiny wheels & red bottom heels And tonight I might not leave ‘less it’s to drive home with you VERSE 2 Diet Coke and a splash of cognac I feel the liquor like a spiritual attack Cause suddenly I’m out of my seat & walking up to come and talk talk talk with you CHORUS Cause you’re pretty like a back road in summer One that I wanna explore every damn curve to I got some big shiny wheels & red bottom heels And tonight I’m not leaving ‘less it’s to drive home with you

BRIDGE Your lips move a mile a minute and I wanna learn their history The thought of leaving without you is like a glass of warmed up whiskey Sweet Lord, I pray, please have mercy Cause this heart’s feeling kinda frisky

CHORUS Cause you’re pretty like a back road in summer One that I’m gonna explore every damn curve to I got some big shiny wheels & red bottom heels And tonight I’m gonna drive home with you ILLUSTRATION | ROSA SCHAEFER BASTIAN

12 AGRICULTURE

EDITOR | JANNA ABBAS ARTSANDCULTURE@THESTRAND.CA

The unknown long-term effects of consuming harrowing horse girl narratives as a child They said Black Beauty was a kids movie SARAH BURNS LASSO-CIATE STRANDED EDITOR

Dreamer, the Pony Club chapter books, and Black Beauty are a few among the various trauma plots concerning horses that many of us consumed growing up, notably before our brains had fully developed. It remains unknown whether our prepubescent nervous systems could properly handle the emotional potency of these stories, but I would go so far as to say that they could not.

What do these stories have in common? You might say that they all involve horses and the kind of profound love and companionship one could only forge with such a highly intelligent, majestic creature. Well, another thing they have in common is that the horse almost always dies at the end. Black Beauty is basically the Old Yeller of horse movies, except the animal abuse is far more rampant. The horse might not die in Dreamer, or most of the Pony Club books, but there are enough excruciating moments that will have you fearing for that horse’s life.

Growing up with this genre, one of the first

things I learned was not the remarkable power of friendship, but the fragility of the horse’s immune system. You learn pretty early on that if a horse gets sick you should get ready to say your goodbyes. Considering how strong horses are, it is truly incredible how little adversity they can withstand when it comes to their immune systems. Ruby’s got a cold? Uh-oh.

Mumps has the mumps? Good luck, Mumps.

Lightning comes down with a fever? They’re a goner. The fever subplot was one of the most widely used story devices—or should I say misused! I can only imagine the kind of sadist it would take to orchestrate such inane torture for child-dominated audiences.

Nonetheless, we loved these stories growing up. Mostly, because they involved horses.

If you didn’t want the horse, you wanted to be the horse. Even more alarming than these latent furry tendencies, I think, is that part of us looked forward to the suspense of it all.

What could be cooler than saying, “Sorry, I can’t come into school today—Loofa broke her leg yesterday while we were out for our mid-afternoon stroll. Just around Blackberry

Mend, she was spooked by a squirrel and cantered deep into the woods where we ran into a pack of wild wolves. They chased us towards a cliff edge that had Loofa trotting in place over a 50 foot drop to a low river. After creating a makeshift harness for the both of us out of my lasso, I threw her reins over a nearby tree to act as a pulley. Using my own strength, I grabbed the reins, carrying both our weights in one hand, and rock climbed down with the other. Unfortunately, before we could reach the water and float downstream back to safety, one of the wolves gnawed through the rope and we fell three feet towards the rocks. I tried to cushion Loofa’s fall using my own body, but her front hoof got caught in a crevice. Now, I am living with her in the stable as I nurse her back to health. I will not be able to come into school for three weeks.”

Later on, of course, Loofa caught pneumonia and had to be shot behind the farm

by Lauren’s father. So, once again, we see that the extremes of the horses’ misfortunes cannot have had a positive impact on its adolescent readers and viewership.

STRANDED @ THE RANCH 13

@STRANDPAPER THE STRAND | 29 MARCH 2022

How Did the Cowboy Hat Stray So Far From the Ranch?

Let me tell you a little story about a man named Bret CHARLOTTE CHELLEW CONTRIBUTOR

If you’re on Tik Tok, Instagram, Pinterest, or maybe even the LinkedIn of a particularly rowdy young colleague, you’ve seen the latest in fun girl fashion.

“The Aritizia Melina pants!” you scream, leaping to your feet, frothing at the mouth, and falling in a crumpled heap.

I can only shake my weary head. The Aritiza Melina pants are vegan leather, not the kind of good old rawhide chaps that would so much better suit the trend to which I’m referring. “Cowboy boots?” you ask, a little more cautiously, sitting up and wiping the spittle from your chin. No, not those either, I’m afraid.

No, this specific trend could not be worn by a trendy Toronto real estate agent or with a sundress at bottomless brunch; this trend exists almost exclusively online, in clubs, and inexplicably, at 18 to 25-year-old women’s pandemic-era birthday parties. This trend, partner, is the pink cowboy hat.

Feathered, rhinestoned, fringed, or fluffy, however you wanna slice it, the pink cowboy hat is having a genuine moment in fashion. But who brought that kind of country bumpkin gumption to the motherbucking city girls?

“Uh… Lily Rose Depp?”

Wait, what? No! When did she—

Never heard of her. Anyways, that’s enough engaging with the audience for today, I have someone SPECIAL that I’d like you all to meet:

as far as I’m concerned, the true star of the show and titular rock of love is, and always has been, Bret Michaels’ cowboy hats.

Yes. Plural. In most of the episodes and all of the seasons— “Is it Bret Michaels every season?”

Bret Michaels sports his signature honky tonk headwear. Some have flames, some have crosses, some are straw, all are bedazzled, and some, some are even signed. They’re signed ‘Bret Michaels’ but that just means they’ll have resale value for as long as “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” gets radio play.

“I’m sorry, I was born in 2003, I don’t really—”

But what does that mean for women you ask? Well, Rock of Love with Bret “Joe Exotic in…not a pink cowboy Michaels actually meant a lot for women hat?” in terms of setbacks in feminism but I digress, what this means for women is This is Bret Michaels, lead singer of what Trisha Paytas means for Tik Tok: prolific 80s hair metal band, Poison— “Destruction?”

“Who?” —and renowned star of Rock of Love Influence! with Bret Michaels!!!

You see, Bret Michaels wasn’t just “I’m really just not sure who that-” the progenitor of the funky cowboy hat aesthetic, he was also the prototypical For those of you who don’t know, influencer. He influenced a bunch of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels was a hot women to go on his show and fight popular VH1 reality dating show that for his affections, a lot of these women ran from 2007 to 2009, and much like were under the influence for most of The Bachelor, it featured one man in their time there trying to pretend that a household full of beautiful women they found him attractive, and even who must choose a weapon from the further, once the Stockholm syndrome cornucopia when the cannon goes took, those very same female contestants and fight each other to the death for were influenced to start wearing cowboy supplies and eventually, after several hats of their own! In the second season, weeks of tough challenges and painful a Bret admirer even came onto the show eliminations, Bret will choose his rock with the name Rodeo! This comparison of love! It remains unclear exactly what is rock solid. a rock of love entails (it’s a toss up And you know what, I don’t think between diamond engagement rings Bret Michaels’s influence ended in and viagra induced erections areis the 2009. Look around, those cowboy hats best conclusion we could come to) but have strayed awful far from the ranch.

14 STRANDED @ THE RANCH

EDITOR | VICTORIA MCINTYRE STRANDED@THESTRAND.CA

At Dollywood A Tennessee reverie DOAN JIDION COWTRIBUTOR

We tell ourselves stories about Dollywood in order to live during the 364 days a year that we’re not at Dollywood. The first time I saw the great mechanical arms of the Barnstormer, flinging sunburned parents and their children into the wide, blue Tennessee sky with the irrepressible vigour of a daredevil aviatrix, I knew that some part of me would never leave. There, amidst Granny Ogle’s Ham ‘n’ Beans and the Lumberjack Lifts, I made contact with a vision of America that never materialized. The skeletal wooden rides came out of the backcountry as if they had been placed there by some invisible hand with the intention of merging vomit-inducing rollercoasters and a

cherry-coke daydream of America.

Upon rounding Dollywood Parks Boulevard, I saw Tennessee as perhaps Dolly herself had seen it so many years ago, one made of town tramps, banjos, pink-carpeted bathrooms, and summer wine.

An interlude: before my eyes, a stream of red slushie rushes from the maw of a little old lady, narrowly missing the stripper heels of a daydrunk bride-to-be.

Miss Parton’s reverie suits me very well. Hickory House BBQ sandwich in hand, I gaze at a world that has never existed outside of a Chet Atkins ditty.

I wonder what delights I will find in Dolly’s Tennessee Mountain Home, an exact replica of the singer’s childhood cabin. Yes, doilies and chintz are still a

part of many an American household, but never in such a way as Dollywood envisioned it. And as I leave with a footlong corndog sitting uneasily in my stomach, I am seized with the peculiar feeling that, if I were to turn back, I would see nothing but untouched Appalachia, as if the whole enterprise was designed to delight me for a few brief moments. But I do look, and I see a little girl stick a tentative finger into a steaming pile of refuse outside of Doggywood, the park’s facility for visiting dogs, and I know that the moonshine-fueled dream we all have, buried deep in our cowgirl hearts, will always exist somewhere in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.

PHOTO | RON GALELLA

STRANDED @ THE RANCH 15

@STRANDPAPER THE STRAND | 29 MARCH 2022

Ask Saucy Suzy: How do I save a horse, ride a cowboy?

SAUCY SUZY COWLUMNIST

Dear Saucy Suzy, I’m in love with a cowboy. He’s tall, sleeps in his spurs, and purrs like a kitty cat whenever I buck like a wild bull. We play this game where we go to crowded public places and I charge at him until he catches me. Everything is perfect. The only problem is: I made it all up. That’s right, it’s all in my head. I’ve crafted my perfect cowboy fantasy, but I don’t know how to make it real. And I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried standing around outside my local saloon. I’ve tried stalking Shania Twain so I can scoop up her sloppy seconds. I’ve even tried ritual sacrifice. But no dark god has smiled upon me yet. How do I make it happen? Who do I have to split apart, limb for limb, to get my dream man?

Any help whatsoever would be so appreciated.

You could be next, Reverse Cowgirl in Cambridge

adopted her dog, Meemee, as of 3:00 pm today and, honestly, we couldn’t be happier. She sits by the door and makes this cute little squeaking noise whenever I walk by. I think it means she likes me.

Or that she has IBS. Can a dog have IBS? Either way, she feels totally at home here, I can tell. Way more than at that biatch Clarissa’s place. I mean, what kind of self-respecting old lady doesn’t know how to bake? I’ve asked her to make me a pie at least three times and never once has she come up with anything that wasn’t dumped out of a grocery box. Between you and me: she was useless and kind of ugly. But all you have to do to get a Super Hot Cowboy to ride all the way home is tell the world you want it. That’s right. Say it out loud. Say it in church. Say it on the bus. Meditating on it can help too. Personally, I have a journal where I write down all the things I’m trying to manifest. I keep it on my nightstand, right next to my photo album of Shawn Mendes. Hot tip: if you hodgepodge a book full of pics of Blake Shelton, it’ll totally, like, augment your manifestation powers. Don’t worry, with my advice, you’ll be riding a cowboy in no time. Yeehaw!

PHOTO | CAMILA BLANDO

Dear Reverse Cowgirl, You’re not gonna believe this: I just heard I hope these tips help, and remember, above about this thing called manifesting, and it’s, like, all else… totally what you’re looking for! All you have to do is tell the universe what you want, and let it come Stay Saucy, to you! I mean it. Last week, I told the universe Suzy <3 that I wanted a French bulldog, and, yesterday, my neighbour died! How crazy is that? I’ve officially

Find all of the ingredients for the perfect cowboy boyfriend Okay, so you’re a rocket scientist? That don’t impress me much…

SHAINATWAINLOVER95 COWTRIBUTOR

AsslessChaps

BigTruck

Hot

GoodSinger

BigDick

Horny

BreedsPonies

BigHeart

Sexy

LikesBeer

MassiveFeminist

Sweaty

Polite

MakesWhiskey

LGBTQAlly

16 STRANDED @ THE RANCH

y o b w o c h Whic m a e r d r u is yo

EDITOR | VICTORIA MCINTYRE STRANDED@THESTRAND.CA

ranch home? e McIntyr Victoria y Breaditor ed Countr

! z i u q e h t Take

Strand

START You are in a saloon. A man comes up to you and taps you on the shoulder. He says something to you that leaves you no choice but to duel him.

What did he say?

“I have never tipped a waiter in my life.”

“Miley Cyrus is a piece of shit.”

You challenge him to a karaoke sing-off. What country song are you belting out, partner?

Achy Breaky Heart

by THE Bill Ray. Mmm!!

The Happy Birthday song, but in a southern accent.

Yeee- hawww!!

You go outside to duel him. Right before you start shooting, he stops to compliment you on your favourite cowboy accessory. What is it?

A whip. Hyah!

Right in the caboose!

What is your preferred cowboy beverage?

Busch Light with a splash of Girl’s Night Out Sangria!

A cowboy hat with a massive barbecue sauce stain in the shape of a lonely man

You're riding home on your stallion after a long time away from the ranch.

What are you looking forward to most?

A nice warm bubbly bath with my wife, Tish

All you can eat Wednesday night ribs

What’s one thing you would HAVE to have on your ideal ranch?

A stable with a bunk bed in it so I can stay close to my horse!

Prepackaged moist towelettes for my hands, feet, and the inside of my stinky cowboy boots!

Billy Ray Cyrus’s Tennessee Mansion

Your ideal ranch is big, spacious, and has a tasty dish named Tish.

There’s also a renovated barn in the backyard for Pop Sensation Miley Cyrus. You like to kick back and drink a nice glass of udder juice in the comfort of your humungo home. I’m talking crazy big. But not QUITE as big as your achy breaky heart.

Milk straight out of the cow’s teat!

A Montana’s BBQ & Bar in Mississauga, Ontario

Nothing thrills you more than breaking into your local Montana's and hiding out for months on end, only to reemerge at the sound of the waiters trotting towards a table with a slice of chocolate bday cake. You snake crawl under the table, and wait for just the right moment to swipe the cake like a cowboy bandit. You like to think about that moment at night, when you’re tucking your bare naked bod under the checkered cloth covers. Nothing feels as good as the wooden booth of your local Montana's.