Emotion Coaching Manual

T H E S T A T I O N F O U N D A T I O N®

EMOTION

COACHING

C R E AT IN G F O RTIF IE D F A M IL IE S , HELPI NG CHI LDREN DEVELOP STRENGTH AND RESI LI ENCE

PLEASE NOTE These materials are intended for participant’s personal purposes only. Do not copy or disseminate any of this material in any form. ©2021 The Station Foundation. All rights reserved.

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This four week virtual workshop explores how mindfulness helps individuals work through difficult emotions and conflict. Participants receive and learn tools to help increase awareness, identity emotions, and tap into self-regulation. Parents learn to recognize a child’s expression of emotion as opportunity for connection. Teaching parents and children how to grow together through emotional experiences results in deep connection, trust, and healthy discipline dynamics. ©2021 The Station Foundation. All rights reserved.

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BENEFITS OF EMOTION COACHING

Emotion Coaching creates a neurological change in children’s brains that allows them to self-soothe and improve focus.

WHY EMOTION COACHING WORKS Research Findings: What Happens to Kids When Their Parents Emotion Coach?

1. Children were able to focus better, sustain their focus, and/or shift their attention as needed.

2. They had higher reading and math scores at age eight than all the other children.

3. They demonstrated more self-regulation through self soothing techniques, improved impulse control, and calmed self more quickly and easily when they were upset.

4. Researchers speculate that practicing emotion coaching improves children’s ability to calm their heart rate more quickly, which may lead to fewer infectious illnesses.

5. They were better at delaying gratification. This ability, in other research, is related later to higher SAT scores, better college performance, and better adult relationships.

6. They were better at motivating themselves.

7. They could cope better with life’s ups and downs.

8. They required less discipline.

9. They had healthier peer relationships. © 2013, 2015. The Gottman Institute, Inc. Photo by Izzy Gibson on Unsplash

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EMOTION

COACHING

C R E AT IN G F O RTIF IE D F A M IL IE S , HELPI NG CHI LDREN DEVELOP STRENGTH AND RESI LI ENCE

Emotion Coaching through a Child’s Stages of Development

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EMOTION COACHING THROUGH A CHILD’S STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT

I. Preschool (up to 7 years)

A. Behaviors You See in Me

1. Impulsivity 2. Parallel play rather than connect with others through play 3. Under-developed empathy 4. Enjoy ability to make small choices 5. Dependent on parent for rearing and problem solving B. My Goals at this Stage 1. Learn emotional regulation 2. Learn to wait my turn 3. Share toys 4. Experiment with trial and error; begin to problem solve C. What I Need: Engage in Fantasy Play 1. Tell stories, pretend to be a character 2. Participate in imaginative play/role playing 3. Exert energy through rough and tumble physical play

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D. How You can Help 1. Ask questions and model vocabulary to improve ability to articulate feelings a. “Are you feeling ________________________ or ________________________?” (provide choices) b. “Did someone make you feel ________________________?”

E. How I’ve Grown 1. Learn to label emotions (vocabulary about emotions grows over time) 2. Understand and regulate emotions 3. Sense that my feelings matter and are respected 4. Decrease use of inappropriate behaviors* *The more they learn to talk about feelings, the less likely they are to act out

II. Middle Childhood Years (ages 8-12) A. Behaviors You See in Me 1. Know how to interact with others individually or in groups 2. Develop a heightened awareness of social groups, fitting in, cliques 3. Enjoy debating 4. Aware of what is fair and unfair 5. Begin understanding how to empathize 6. Aware of hypocrisy and imperfections within the world and adults 7. Begin to feel superior to grown ups B. My Goals at this Stage 1. Think logically 2. Reason and problem solve continued ©2021 The Station Foundation. All rights reserved.

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C. What I Need: Discuss and Share

1. Make yourself available to listen D. How You can Help 1. Recognize your child’s choice/ decision to reach out and talk to you 2. Convey empathy and understanding before offering advice or problem solving a. “I wish you didn’t have to go through this.” b. “That would have hurt my feelings too.”

3. Use a gentle tone of voice 4. Express interest a. “Help me understand what you are feeling.” b. “Talk to me. I’m here to listen to you.”

E. How I’ve Grown 1. Child seeks out parent to share and feel supported 2. Trust parent as reliable, stable sounding board

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III. Adolescent Years (ages 12-18) A. Behaviors You See in Me 1. Trying to become strong and independent 2. Creating self concept 3. Increased importance on relationships with friends 4. Self absorbed 5. Subject to mood swings B. My Goal at this Stage 1. Integrate emotions with reason C. What I Need 1. Balance desire for independence with family support as needed D. How You Can Help 1. Ask child if they want your help and/or would like to talk 2. Listen 3. Respect child’s evolving opinions 4. Demonstrate grace and patience E. How I’ve Grown 1. Child trusts parent as a supportive ally and feels respected as an emerging young adult

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EMOTION

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C R E AT IN G F O RTIF IE D F A M IL IE S , HELPI NG CHI LDREN DEVELOP STRENGTH AND RESI LI ENCE

Emotional Self-Regulation

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EMOTIONAL SELF-REGULATION

Four Stages of Emotional Explosion

UPSET

F R U S T R AT E D

ANGRY

ENRAGED

When we are upset, angry, frustrated or emotionally taxed, we lose our ability to effectively reason and problem solve. The body and mind become overwhelmed or “flooded”, and the brain’s natural defense is to secrete high amounts of cortisol and adrenaline in a state of fight or flight to protect itself from a perceived threat. Without taking a break or a time out, our ability to effectively process a situation becomes stifled. We can remain stuck in a frustrated, negative mental rut.

How to Manage an Emotion Explosion 1

Know When You are

Flooded with Emotions 2

Take a

20 Minute Break 3

Implement Your

Family Action Plan

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EMOTIONAL SELF-REGULATION

1

Know When You are

Flooded with Emotions

Recognizing that you are flooded takes self awareness. Self soothing requires practice and experimenting with what suits you best. Talking with your spouse as well as your children about flooding helps equip your family with the words to describe when someone needs a break to regroup. Perhaps you discuss and agree on a signal or catch phrase that lets your family know that you need some time to emotionally reset. Taking a break is not avoiding conflict; it is insurance that you will return to discuss and work through conflict with more clarity, creativity, and perspective than attempting to problem solve when feeling overwhelmed or heated.

2

Take a

20 Minute Break

You are, however, equipped with tools to help you calm down and reset. Taking a 20 minute break to self soothe is a simple and effective way to regain composure. Some great ways to self soothe include:

Belly breathing

Listening to soothing music

Going for a walk

Stepping outside

Practicing yoga

Reading for pleasure

3

Design Your Own

Family Action Plan

1. Identify a special word or signal that means you need a break to calm down 2. Discuss your favorite or preferred way to reset your mind and body 3. Explain why taking a break is important

Every Family Needs a

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Special Action Plan Signal

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C R E AT IN G F O RTIF IE D F A M IL IE S , HELPI NG CHI LDREN DEVELOP STRENGTH AND RESI LI ENCE

How Mindfulness Shapes Our Feelings about Feelings – and Empowers Us

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6 Steps to Mindfully Deal with Difficult Emotions

1

Turn Toward Your

Emotions with Acceptance

Become aware of the emotion and identify where you sense it in your body

2

Identify and Label

Your Emotions

To stay mindful, say to yourself “This is anger” or “This is anxiety”

Accept Your

3

Emotions

Don’t deny the emotion. Acknowledge and accept that is is there

4

Realize the Impermanence

of Your Emotions

Even if the emotion feels overwhelming, remember that it will pass

5

Inquire and Investigate

Your Emotions

Ask yourself, “What triggered me?” “Why do I feel this way?”

6

Let Go of the Need

to Control Your Emotions

Be open to the outocme of your emotions and what unfolds

© 2013, 2015. The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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Turn Toward Your

Emotions with Acceptance

Once you become aware of the emotion you are feeling, notice where it is in your body. You may feel it as a stomachache, a tightening of your throat, the pounding of your heart, or tension somewhere. Sit with this anger, anxiety, depression, grief, guilt, sadness, shame, or whatever emotion you are experiencing. Become aware of it and don’t ignore it. If this is difficult, get up and walk around or get a cup of tea.

The key here is to not push the emotion away. Bottling it up inside will only cause it to bubble up and explode later, resulting in more difficult emotions or even a complete emotional shutdown. Listen to your difficult emotions. They are trying to help you wake up to what is going on before a major crisis occurs.

2

Identify and Label

Your Emotions

Instead of saying, “I am angry”, say, “This is anger” or, “This is anxiety.” In this way, you’re acknowledging its presence, while simultaneously empowering yourself to remain detached from it.

When my husband was in the hospital before he passed, I felt a deep sense of uncertainty, anxiety, and fear.

I needed to acknowledge and identify the emotions and say to myself, “I know that I am experiencing anxiety and fear right now and I don’t know what will happen, but I am going to just ‘be’ with it.” Although it remained an extremely painful experience to the end, identifying and labeling my emotions in this way allowed me to take some of the pain out of what I was feeling. This, in turn, allowed me to stay in the present, versus catapulting me into the future, or trapping me in the past. Being thrust in either direction would have only caused me to blame myself. I can just imagine how that critical voice would have rung out, “If only you would have done something different, maybe there would have been a different outcome.”

When you are feeling a certain emotion, don’t deny it. Acknowledge and accept that the emotion is present, whether it is anxiety, grief, sadness, or whatever you are experiencing in that moment. Through mindful acceptance you can embrace difficult feelings with compassion, awareness, and understanding towards yourself and your partner.

continued

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Accept Your

3

Emotions

Think of a friend or a loved one who might be having a hard time. What would you say to them? Bring the scenario of what you would say to them into your mind’s eye. Now, say the same thing to yourself: “I am ok.

I am not to blame. I did the best I could.” Hold these images and phrases within yourself with loving kindness and compassion. Extend this act of kindness toward yourself and become aware of what is going on within you. In this way you will gain the power to not only calm and soothe yourself, but also your partner.

You will soon come to realize that you are not your anger, fear, grief, or any other difficult emotion you are feeling. Instead you will begin to experience these emotions in a more fleeting manner, like clouds that pass by in the sky. Opening yourself up to your emotions allows you to create a space of awareness, curiosity, and expansiveness that you can then apply to your relationship, as well as any other aspect of your life.

4

Realize the Impermanence

of Your Emotions

Every one of your emotions is impermanent. They arise and reside within you for a time, and then disappear.

It’s easy to forget this when you’re in the midst of dealing with difficult emotions.

Allow yourself to witness and observe your emotions with kind attention and patience, giving them the latitude to morph, and in many cases, completely evaporate. To embrace this process, ask yourself: “What and where is this feeling?”

“What do I need now?”

“How can I nurture it?”

“What can I do for my partner?”

“What can my partner do for me?”

“How can we, as a couple, turn toward one another with acts of loving-kindness?”

Asking these focused questions and responding in turn will go a long way to promote empathy, compassion, and connection within your relationship.

© 2013, 2015. The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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Inquire and Investigate

Your Emotions

After you have calmed and soothed yourself from the impact of your emotions, take a moment to delve deeply and explore what happened. Ask yourself the following questions: “What experience led me to this emotion?”

“What is causing me to feel this way?”

“What is the discomfort I’m experiencing and where is it arising?”

“Was it a result of my critical mind, or was it in reaction to something my partner said or did?”

Perhaps you had a hard day at work or difficulty dealing with your family. Maybe you feel unappreciated, lonely, or disconnected as a result of your interactions with someone. Whatever the cause or trigger, look at it closely and ask yourself what is happening here. Consider what was said or done and compare it to your values: What were your expectations surrounding the situation?

What reactions or judgments caused you to become angry or anxious?

Is this a pattern that keeps arising?

Asking yourself these critical questions and investigating the root of your difficult emotions will help you gain empathy and insight into what you are experiencing.

Taking yourself off autopilot and trusting your deepest, authentic self to answer these questions about your situation will create a space to see things with a different perspective. This will ultimately allow both you and your partner to be more present and connected with each other. continued

© 2013, 2015. The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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EMOTION

6

COACHING

Let Go of the Need

to Control Your Emotions

The key to mindfully dealing with your difficult emotions is to let go of your need to control them. Instead, be open to the outcome and what unfolds. Step outside of yourself and really listen to what your partner is feeling and what he or she has to say. Only then will you truly gain an in-depth understanding of your emotions and the interactions surrounding them within your relationship.

Mindfully dealing with emotions is hard, and it takes time. Be kind, compassionate, and patient with yourself and your partner. You’re in this together! As Dr. John Gottman has said, “In a good relationship people get angry, but in a very different way. The Marriage Masters see a problem a bit like a soccer ball. They kick it around. It’s ‘our’ problem.”

We are fortunate that we live in a world where you and your partner can take the time to explore, discuss, and learn about mindfulness and your emotions. Take nothing for granted, for life is fragile and fleeting!

https://www.gottman.com/blog/6stepstomindfullydealwithdifficultemotions/ © 2013, 2015. The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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EMOTION

COACHING

C R E ATIN G F O RTIF IE D F A M IL IE S , HELPI NG CHI LDREN DEVELOP STRENGTH AND RESI LI ENCE

Action Plan: Emotion Coaching with Children

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Emotion Coaching Action Plan

1

Be Aware of Your

Child’s Emotions

This is an opportunity, not an emergency

2

Recognize Emotions

as an Opportunity

Connection is the number one goal

3 2

Equip Child with

Emotion Vocabulary

Use feeling words to model and discuss emotions

4

Communicate Empathy

and Understanding

Validate and accept all emotions

5

Set Limits and Focus

on Problem Solving

All feelings are okay; however, behavior must be appropriate

© 2013, 2015. The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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O PPO RT UN ITY – NOT AN E ME RGE N CY

Y O UR CH ILD’S E MOTIONS ARE AN

STEPS AND AFFIRMATIONS TO CONNECT & TEACH CHILDREN THROUGH EMOTIONS 1. Be aware of your child’s emotions a. Perspective: “This is an opportunity, not an emergency!” b. Helpful tools: i. Pay attention to your child’s facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures ii. Awareness of technological distraction iii. Practice 5x5 when I am triggered or flooded iv.

CBT c. Affirmations: i. We can learn from and grow through conflict ii. I can regulate my emotions and response with my breath

2. Recognize emotions as an opportunity for connection or teaching a. Perspective: “Connection is my number one goal.” b. Helpful tools: i. Proximity ii. Turning towards your child b. Affirmations: i. I connect with my child using words of affection ii. I make opportunities to play with my child continued

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3. Help your child verbally label the emotions a. Perspective: “I am open to all emotions.” b. Helpful tools: i. Feeling Wheel ii. Fantasy play with younger children iii. Picture books, movies with young children c. Affirmations:

i. I value my child’s feelings

ii. I use feeling words to model and discuss how I feel about my experiences, frustrations, disappointments, surprises, and joys

4. Communicate empathy and understanding a. Perspective: “I radiate empathy.” b. Helpful tools: i. Physical touch ii. Awareness and respect for quiet time and space c. Affirmations:

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i. I will validate my child’s experiences and emotions ii.

I understand

5. Set limits and problem solve a. Perspective: “I am an ally, not an adversary.” b. Helpful tools: i. Journaling ii. Teach responsibility by giving children choices c. Affirmations: i. I make myself available to listen i. Listening and understanding are paramount to me offering advice i. All feelings are okay; however, there are limits to what is appropriate behavior

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