The Squire Publication Vol. 1 No. 4 March 2018

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VOL. 1 NO. 4 MARCH 2018

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Editorial Board Maria Franchesca Louise P. Fajemolin Editor-inChief Tatiana L. Maligro Associate Editor-in-Chief Razil J. Gullem Managing Editor Sean Phillipp C. Valencia Design Editor Franz Emmanuel M. Sarmiento News Editor (English) Gillian Marie A. Sun Features Editor (English) Amanda Marie B. Hora Features Editor (Filipino) Tristan Ace C. Binayao Sports Editor Andrea Felice J. Abesamis Literary Editor Gabrielle Jeanz A. Acabo Photography Editor Cyra Patricia C. Barros Freehand Editor Eric Noel B. Jabagat Layout Editor (Interim) Mari Justin P. Akut Office and Circulations Manager Yalany Angela C. Soliva Human Resource Manager Giselle Jeanz A. Acabo Online Accounts Manager Glayzell Altrinna R. Bulang Communications Manager John Alexis J. Diaz Computer Systems Manager Lynyrd T. Peras Finance Manager

Opinion

Editorial

Creative Nonfiction

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Smaller and Smaller Tasks

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A Sense of Compliance

Staff Writers Earl Joy B. Lopina Jan Erika A. Merida Alessandro Kennz O. Nioda Larisa Anne O. Pacamo Jham White C. Perral Maria Alessandra R. Talja Princess Reyen Tan Maria Victoria T. Te Jarrah Francine C. Zaballero

Freehand Artists Rachel Ann Alvarez Steffany Kate Balace Audrey Louisse CastaĂąares Quint Nix Israel de la Torre Daniel Lumantas Bea Ellaine Esperanza C. Mateo Kim Lian Andre Nale Therese Marie P. Po Christalle Beatriz N. Seno

Photojournalists Marielle Louise S. Abao Caryll M. Apostol Murielle Desiree V. Cocjin Cyra Andrea Etor Hailey Monique Larot Ellric Joseph Maglangit Tara Sanchez

Moderator Mr. Jay Rhen S. Galagnara Circulation: 1,750 copies /squirepub /thesquirepublication Publishers: Subscribing students of Xavier University - Ateneo de Cagayan Senior High School

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Cover story

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Behind HIV Hearsays

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Shifting Currents

Leaving Blazing Legacies

Fueling Excellence

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Skwidbols

About the Cover

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eing the first to ever do something is no walk in the park, but that’s exactly what the pioneering batch of Senior High School (SHS) students just accomplished. After two long years of struggles and triumph, the Xavier University Senior High School (XUSHS) graduates have finally overcome the tides and laid the foundation for generations to come. Take a look into the stories behind the legacies left by the trailblazing XUSHS graduates.

Written by Maria Victoria Te Captured by Murielle Desiree V. Cocjin & Designed by Sean Phillipp C. Valencia

VOL. 1 NO. 4 MARCH 2018

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ED ITO R IAL

What Comes Next

wo years have passed since the pioneering batch of Xavier University Senior High School (XUSHS) set foot on campus grounds, their battle cry resounding throughout the gymnasium: Aim High, Senior High! Tumbling deep into unknown waters, the batch geared themselves up for two years of vaguely knowing what lies ahead.

One cannot expect perfection from a first test run.

Several deficiencies have been observed from the XUSHS system within these two years – whether it be a sudden shift in the grading system, Mini-Tasks (MTs) that are basically multiplied Performance Tasks (PTs), cramming of deadlines in a short span of time, among many others. Although nobody expects an already perfect system for XUSHS in its first two years, the hassle these shortcomings have inflicted on the students should not be overlooked. Most of the students have sacrificed their health just to satisfy the standards this system set up for them, losing sleep for weeks on end because they attend to PT after PT, deadline after deadline. Many have cried out for help to the heavens above, fearful for their transformation from SHS students to full-time zombies.

However, as the saying goes, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”. These trials have fueled the students’ passion to carry on despite the setbacks. The batch unified as one team as they faced the remaining times with strength and perseverance to make it to the finish line, wanting to rise as beings greater than the system. The provision on the Magna Carta of Student’s Rights and Welfare being an example of how dedicated the students have been to not only to fend for themselves, but also help their fellows survive with them. Other activities such as General Assemblies and Intramurals had kept the pioneers on their feet despite the waves of challenges they faced throughout their stay.

Now, their time has come to walk down the aisle with proud smiles that scream success. Senior High was not a walk in the park, yet they managed to make it through. They hold onto the hope of a better tomorrow outside of basic education and, hopefully, a better system for the future generations of XUSHS. But for now, it is a time of celebration for surviving the bumpiest ride of their Basic Ed lives. S

Illustrated by Cyra C. Barros

C RE AT I V E NON F ICTION

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wo years ago, the pioneers set off into a journey never been traveled before. They took on unfamiliar paths and conquered bumpy roads.

They sailed through storms and battled foes. They went through flurries of heated emotions and found companions they will treasure even in their next adventures.

With the introduction of the K-12 curriculum came an additional two years in high school. Senior High School (SHS) promised an improvement in the previous educational system, but it didn’t come without a cost. Two more years in high school meant more nights without sleep, more time before acquiring a college degree, more money poured towards the fulfillment of requirements. Aside from pressing academic demands, the first SHS batch also had to endure countless other challenges. They had to establish the student government, build new organizations, counter mudslinging coming from within and outside the community, and so much more—and now their labor has borne fruit.

Now, as the first batch of SHS graduates celebrates a historical milestone, look into some chapters of their stories that go unread.

The Squire Publication, in cooperation with the Creative Non-fiction teachers, proudly presents micromemoirs from selected Grade 12 students of the Humanities and Social Sciences (HUMSS) strand.

Their quest has come to a close, and soon they’ll be journeying off once more.

Jump into tales reminiscing their authors’ experiences. Uncover the remnants of a legacy. S

CON TI N U ED AT PAG E 19

Designed by Sean Phillipp C. Valencia

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VOL. 1 NO. 4 MARCH 2018

OPIN IO N

Setting right course of action

by Maria Alessandra R. Talja

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hich course will you take for college?”

It’s the question that keeps us Senior High School students on our toes—also the common conversation starter used by relatives. After all, a little over a decade to think about it should be more than enough, right?

Well, it’s not an easy decision to make, and it’s actually one of the hardest choices we’ll ever encounter. It’s no surprise there are so many students who remain undecided about their future. Confusions and uncertainties sprout, doubts cloud over their minds as they weigh conflicting expectations with personal preferences. Others would even get the dilemma over with by studying the same course as their friends.

Some students don’t even have the freedom of choice.

For students that have had the reins taken by their parents or other family members, the decision might as well have been a decree. At its worst, students are being forced to pursue a certain profession regardless of their interests.

For instance, being born into a family of doctors or lawyers makes it customary for him or her to be a doctor or lawyer too. There are also some parents that make their children fulfil the ambitions they didn’t get to reach. This mentality of projection on the youth is constricting and highly obtrusive to their personal development.

Forcibly following the aspirations of others won’t guarantee their own success, and most certainly not their happiness. If anything, it’s a dissonance between the child and his or her parents that could develop.

The path is ours to pave, and following the K-12 Program is an asset we take for granted.

An extra two years may prolong the number of years we have to stay in school, but it also gives us advantages. The K-12 Program bridges the gap between secondary and tertiary education, but besides that, it helps us to be mentally prepared.

The undecided get a chance to narrow down their options, and the indecisive get more time to really think about what course to pursue instead of constantly shifting from one course to another.

As for students who have their hands tied by family tradition, it’s the perfect opportunity to find a balance between interests and expectations.

If rejecting their decision is off the table, then at least finding middle ground could show them your conviction to make your own choices.

Some people might be tempted to leave the hard decisions to others, but having our own say at the matter is just as important. It’s our own life.

At this point, not even “going with the flow” will work to our favor. We have to learn to put our own judgment above what other people think.

And maybe when someone asks you the big question again, you’ll have that final answer.

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Meloncauliflower

OP I NI O N

The Violated Inviolable

by Tatiana L. Maligro

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En Pointe

ou may or may not have heard of the famous YouTuber and budding actress Anna Akana. She recently released a short film adaptation of an excerpt from her book So Much I Want To Tell You: Letters To My Little Sister. Shockingly enough, it was about the story of her abortion, and what led her to do such act. As she waited for her doctor in the abortion clinic, she began to realize she wasn’t ready to be a mom. “If I bring a child into the world […] I want to be in a relationship where the child is wanted,” she narrates.

As I scrolled through hate comments of various conservatives, it made me think. In the Philippines, where abortion is a complete taboo because of our religion, many women- teens, even- go through the same situation Akana did.

However, because of the Church’s indirect control over the country’s affairs, these women are not getting the support they need. Instead, they are considered murderers.

This column won’t be about abortion, trying to convince you to go pro-choice. Rather, I would like to use these stories to show you how the Church can control state affairs, when our Constitution states that a boundary between the two should be clear.

Is the picture still a little blurry? Let me try to take a clearer photo.

Remember the Reproductive Health (RH) bills that were never passed? These bills could have held the solutions to overpopulation, lower teen pregnancy rates, and HIV/AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) among Filipinos. However, because of the Church’s strong stand against contraceptives, no bill has ever passed Congress until 2012. Even then, the law has suffered poor implementation. Have you ever wondered how many teenage girls could have still lived if they weren’t afraid to receive hospital treatment after a failed abortion? Have you ever

Captured by Marielle Louise S. Abao

thought of the rape victims who had to bring children of their tormentors into this world?

We also have the recently passed divorce bill.

It’s no secret that the Church greatly condemns the implementation of divorce in the country.

Without an option to divorce, husbands or wives stuck in abusive relationships who cannot afford annulment will be forced to live the rest of their lives in terror, since marriage is so sacred. Even if victims do leave their tormentors, there are conjoined properties that they will have to leave to the abuser. They can’t come back for the properties because of fear. Do they not deserve an option to settle everything quicker and more sufficiently?

Although we cannot deny Catholicism’s huge impact on the country—we are predominantly Catholic, after all—religion should never be the basis of a bill’s passing. This is most especially when these potential laws can greatly help the people. If the state continues to reject aforementioned bills because the Church says so, then the Philippine government is no longer serving its citizens, but the Catholic Church. Constitutional phrases stating the inviolable separation between the two might as well be abolished.

We are all entitled to our own beliefs and interpretations of religion. However, when considering the common good, it is best to momentarily deprioritize the opinion of a dominant religion. Other religions are present here, after all. If a solution to a particular problem can help the common good in the long run— despite going against your religious beliefs—I recommend that you encourage the development of the aforementioned.

Taking everyone into consideration is a step forward in getting everyone to act. I think if God—if He does exist—would have liked this way better.

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O PIN IO N

Dealing with the Unbalanced Force

by Glayzell Altrinna R. Bulang

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arkness has always been viewed by most people as something negative; that it presupposes emptiness and loneliness. It’s kind of an inescapable black atmosphere imprinted inside their heads, or a catalyst of some sort to make them feel as if a huge chunk of the world’s burdens is upon their shoulders.

However, some may see it as an entity that gives them comfort in their vulnerability. It may be the only place where they can escape the realities of the world or the place they call home.

A few may see it as mere nothingness; but it’s quite different for me. I used to describe it as all of these, until the said definitions made no sense to me anymore the moment when both the darkness and the light left me.

Everything was subsequently static. The feeling was neither sadness nor happiness, not even emptiness. It happened after the two most heartrending events happened in my life; my best friend’s passing last May 30th, followed by my father’s last November 29th. It all happened in a year. Imagine how drained I was of every feeling and emotion I could possibly feel. Every part of it was truly devastating. I couldn’t feel a thing. I have experienced lots of hardships in my eighteen years of existence but for the first time in my life, I actually felt nothing but numbness.

After awhile, I realized that darkness isn’t just the absence of light; it is an essential matter that makes one appreciate light itself. When people fight life’s greatest and most painful battles one at a time, they may find one of the former definitions relatable. However, when it happens all at once, it’s a different story. I believe when one experiences them all at the same time, their worlds stop moving. Not even a tiny bit of motion.

A musician decides to create songs again after a heartbreak, when he finally sees the balance of bliss and misery in every memory of whoever or whatever his inspiration is. He then decides to put it into words, incorporates it with original music, and decides to feel again despite it all.

A chef continues to chop garnishes after cutting himself several times in the past, when he realizes that the cuts will heal again after some time. He will then realize that it will all be worth it once the people he is cooking for will recognize and love his art.

Lifeguards commit themselves in saving people, even if they themselves might have experienced drowning at least once in their lifetime when they realize that they do not want those people to suffer the way they did. They want them to live a good life like what they decided to do; doing what they love, which is saving lives itself.

One lives through it all when one finds purpose and seeks to understand life like the musician, the chef and the lifeguards; seeing darkness as a requisite like the light. One should perceive pain as a beginning to create wonderful things, like the musician. One should see obstacles as a motivation to reach success, like the chef. One should realize that everyone fights their own battles and that someone should always be there for them, like the lifeguards.

Tragedies all happen at one point in our lives, but somehow things will start moving again as soon as we know how to deal with them and we learn our greater purpose. A river flows despite whatever blocks them, and that is how one should live. We should keep moving forward and never remain static. It is still beautiful out there. Far more beautiful than what you think.

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Frivolous Enigma

O P I NI O N

Speak Up or Shut Up

by Andrea Felice J. Abesamis

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he recent mass shooting in America has been garnering massive publicity. No, not because of the incident itself, rather the protests and rallies held by students and youths alike demanding for a change in gun laws and an end to these shooting incidents.

Praises were being held in high regard to these students, for initiating to act on this problem and using their voices to let this issue be heard. Mind you, we Filipinos are also part of the vast majority sending positive feedback and sentiments towards these youths.

In our side of the spectrum, the millennials from Manila created quite a stir on social media when they took to the streets last February 23 to uphold their call in fighting for human rights and press freedom. Not surprisingly enough, a lot of backlash came from the other end of the line, where the Digong Duterte Supporters (DDS) expressed outrage at the stand of these youths.

They cried foul at the youth for wasting their money in starting rallies like this, wasting their time in sending them to school to be educated instead of pulling a stunt like this, wasting their efforts in bringing a macho-fascist down when it’s clear he’ll still hold the reins as president in the next five years. They condemned students for rallying about a problem that’s “not even a problem” in the first place, more so they condemned the UP students for being “Dilawans”

and dragging along other Manileños in this “useless” rally.

The irony is there, clear as crystal. Those Filipinos praise the American youths for standing up against those heinous crimes committed overlooked by adults there, while they harshly put down the youths rallying for the end of tyranny because their points are “baseless and are of no use to the progress of the nation”. There is something definitely brewing when history repeats itself – the youths are taking matters into their own hands and calling out all the bull the government has going on. Pardon my cry of outrage, but this is something you can’t just ignore. Remember the past two EDSA revolutions? It was the youth who led those protests, leading the downfalls of two corrupt leaders. What’s to say that it won’t happen again? There’s a reason why the youth is called the hope for the country, and silencing their voices will only bring them to fight back harder.

The spirit of resilience lives on, after all.

The political landscape in this country is changing massively, and this isn’t just student activism or such. This isn’t a matter anymore whether the yellowtards are trying to prove something or the overly zealous Duterte supporters are trying to shut down the complaints lugged at the Malacañang – it’s more of using our voices to finally acknowledge what the heck is going on here.

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Arsené Lupin

Captured by Marielle Louise S. Abao

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VOL. 1 NO. 4 MARCH 2018

by Alessandro Kennz Nioda

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alfway through the Academic Year (AY), the Xavier University Senior High School (XUSHS) administration announced the implementation of Mini Tasks as an alternative to Performance Tasks (PTs) in a semester’s midterm period. Since the said pronouncement, all eyes from the students were set for those thick cards from the registrar’s office that could determine their status in academics and answer their question: “Did I do well?”

As per usual, either they widened their eyes in surprise or made them narrower and smaller than F.H. Batacan’s circles.

Chopped fifties for a ninety-eight When asked of what a Mini Task means, Glenn Sionosa (Formation Program and Religious Studies Department) introduces a short definition. “That (Mini Tasks) would be a PT, but smaller than a PT. It should be something doable inside the classroom.” He elaborates that burden should be reduced for the students to manage, compared to what has surfaced on the past semesters, with requirements needing much ample time to call them a success and to secure half of the grade.

Another instructor, Raya Discipulo (English Department), goes on a more practical understanding with implications. “Parang

additional tasks to the actual Performance Task,” she responds. “[They are] a little help that will lead you towards the big project.”

Voices amplified However, over the course of five months, XUSHS has its own share with the struggle, particularly with application, and especially the student body who are tested with their capacities. Among the number of students who have concerns on Mini Tasks is Krixanne Abejuela (HUMSS-12), pointing out how the load of work is similar to those in previous semesters and at the same time added, resulting to mediocre outcomes.

In a similar point of view, Ed* (STEM-12) argues, “In terms of its magnitude, or how big or bongga it is supposed to be, for me, […] it is like a discount Performance Task. […]

Sometimes, all these Mini Tasks—when they accumulate—they just become as intense as a Performance Task.”

The projects, he suggests, could still yield positive effects if they are spaced out well enough.

Reactions know no scope Throughout the past months, Sionosa has heard feedback on this matter, even from his own students. According to them, he says, “There is no difference having three Mini Tasks

and then one PT, so I really feel what they feel.”

Like Ed, he believes they will produce a great impact to the students. However, and in his own words, “we need to consider also the time and the task that will be given.”

For Discipulo, whether or not they can give advantages may depend on the subject and if they are related to the actual task, citing the case of Creative Nonfiction (CNF), a specialized subject, where a micro memoir draft and a series of critiquing sessions serve as Mini Tasks and the piece’s revised version is the final output. “Siguro kung dili siya related sa major task, murag diha ta magkaproblema,” she notes. *** As what an article from the Publication’s debut issue concluded, school must be felt like a home and learning must be practiced as a passion. The sophomore year of XUSHS’ academic journey has once again reminded the community this in the face of difficulties.

Should proper application be done to give justice to what a Mini Task is meant to offer to the student body, it would conceivably be more satisfying than a crime novel’s denouement.

Captured by Caryll Apostol & Designed by Eric Noel B. Jabagat

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*Names changed per request for anonymity

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aa namo’y org?” has been one of the most frequently asked questions around the student body, while “Hala required diay?” has been some of the responses.

Pressure is on the shoulders of Grade 12 students, particularly those still without ones, as they search for organizations that are still accepting applicants. Due to the “No Organization, No Graduation” policy, students voice out their concerns as they ask why it has to be required.

Xavier University Senior High School (XUSHS) Grade 12 graduates are on the edge of their seats looking forward to the day when they would reap their reward for two years of hard work. Their patience is wearing thin as they wait to finally turn the last page of their High School chapter.

But as the Academic Year nears its end, an unexpected drawback emerged. Although the policy is already common knowledge, the conflict arose when only a few organizations were established to welcome the thousands of XUSHS students.

The Center Point “The main reason why I pushed for organizations in Senior High is to empower students to be active not just in the academic process but also in the curricular activities to develop their leadership skills that is also necessary when they proceed to college,” says Student Activities Coordinator (SAC) Jim Akut II. “The establishment of organizations is anchored on our objective, which is holistic formation,” adds Assistant Principal for Formation Keith Paasa. It is through these organizations that students are given a chance wherein he/she can share themselves with others.

Paasa emphasizes, “If we look at the student handbook, it is stated that membership of an organization is indeed a requirement for Grade 12 students.” This policy can be located in Chapter 2: Basic Academic Policies of the student handbook a n d under t h e

by Jarrah Francine C. Zaballero

Student Activities Guidelines which specifically says, “Membership in student organization/s excluding the XUSHSG is a requirement for graduation.” Paasa also clarifies, that XUSHS students are held accountable for reading the handbook as it guides the SHS system in the University.

“The maximum number of organizations is 35 but only 17 went through the accreditation process,” Akut II expresses this concern, “I believe that the lack of organizations is not the initial problem, but rather the lack of willingness to form one.” Akut II clarifies that he does understand that some are still new to the system, but he also states that it is part of a student’s initiative to go through the accreditation process to establish more organizations. The SACLEAD (Student Activities and Leadership) Office envisions to strengthen the organization process, to increase the number of organizations and to facilitate leadership activities that can accommodate everyone. They plan to attain this by encouraging more students to initiate in the process of organization establishment and to complete the accreditation process. “I assure you that we (SACLEAD Office) will be helping you through the process, so there is nothing to get intimidated about,” assures Akut II. Reinforcing the System In order to assist students in following the handbook’s mandate, the SACLEAD Office and administration have increased the limit of members in each organization from 60 members to 100 or more to accommodate the needs of the students. “The Student Activities Coordinator

and the office will really help with the process of establishing an organization and also with any queries regarding membership application in organizations,” offers Akut II. To assist those still seeking for membership, Akut II provided a list of organizations to guide students in inquiring if an organization would still accept applicants.

Furthermore, the XUSHSG –to be headed by Reneila Maureen Eguia—plans to establish exclusive organizations for each strand during her reign in the impending AY 2018-2019. These organizations will offer seminars and trainings that will coincide with their designated strand.

However, Eguia clarifies that these will not be led by the XUSHSG, but by a new set of officers. This board of directors will be composed of representatives from each section in a strand so that direct information dissemination can be attained. “We will strive to provide a calendar of activities for the organizations, na gihimo sa mga officers at the start of the school year para ma plot na ang mga days of activities,” adds Eguia. **** Academics and curricular activities should supplement one another to achieve the holistic formation XU envisions. The organization system is still new to the SHS community, but with enough time and effort, it will stand as the foundation of leadership development in the XUSHS community. For this to happen, though, students and the administration will have to unite to drive the XU community towards perfected synchrony. S

Designed by Eric Noel B. Jabagat

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VOL. 1 NO. 4 MARCH 2018

COV E R STO RY

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he first two years of the pioneering batch of Senior High School (SHS) have been a rollercoaster ride. Two years came with a handful of struggles, with all the issues and controversies that challenged the administration and its students. Despite all that, the Xavier University Senior High School (XUSHS) community emerged flaming and fierce after that chapter. Of course, they aren’t stepping out of the spotlight without leaving something for the succeeding batches.

by Earl Joy B. Lopina & Yalany Angela C. Soliva

Igniting the Fire The birth of SHS has caused major transformations in the University. “Last school year, most of the teachers were college teachers, so we are used to dealing with college students,” Senior High Formation Program (SHSFP) teacher Arniel D. Daluz says. “We really have to adjust as teachers, as formators.”

Despite taking risks on untested waters for the first voyage of SHS, the faculty and administration in the past Academic Year (AY) have collaborated in providing high quality education for the students of XUSHS. On the other hand, the students had to adjust as well with SHS’ unfamiliar systems. XU Senior High Student Government (SHSG) President Angelika Gultia shares that they had no basis on how things should be done in organizations and the SHSG, itself during their first term. However, she expresses that these challenges only intensify their need to always set the best foot forward.

Up in Flames Aside from faculty and staff, the Gultia-Ondap administration had its fair share of struggles in SHSG. This includes the ever-adjusting XUSHS policies. How can anyone forget about the 7:10 morning assembly every Monday?

Taking on the Heat Challenges bear victories. In spite of the struggles that the XUSHS community encountered, they continued to push forward with their ready swords and shining lance. For the student leaders of the school, three

semesters of service bore significant moments that made an impact not only within the administration but to the batch as well.

Gultia points out that being part of the first batch of senior high students made every event for her a big moment.

She narrates that creating the structure of the SHSG was already a milestone since they needed to grasp the significance of the student council to create an entire system that would cater to the needs of the students.

“We get to experience this structure and we had to thoroughly study it and understand it so that we could effectively fulfill our responsibilities,” Gultia states.

The first SHSG leaders created three branches: Executive, Legistlative, and Judiciary. This was based on the structure of the Philippines’ national government. Gultia believes that this unique model of the XUSHSG was effective in serving the XUSHS community, and allowed effective distribution of tasks among the departments.

As Vice President, Ondap considers the adjusting of policies successfully addressed through meetings in which dialogue was encouraged between the XUSHSG and the Office of the Prefect of Students. Among the policies adjusted were the 7:10AM morning assembly and the movement of PE classes on Wednesdays.

Both Gultia and Ondap recognize the significance of initiating the drafting of the Magna Carta for Students’ Rights and Welfare along with the directorates. Empowering the student body to participate in the legislation and drafting of policies through the Senior High Congress was also a big success for them even though the fight for it still continues.

Daluz adds that, “Towards the very end, we have realized that we cannot treat you as college students and we cannot treat you as junior high school because you have your own identity.

Your identity as senior high school is something very, very new.”

Fiery Breakthrough As the students march with pride on the first commencement exercises, a chapter ends for the pioneering batch of the XUSHS. Still, they have carved a mark in the XUSHS history – leaving blazing legacies.

Daluz explains that the effectiveness of the teaching strategies and disciplinary methods applied in XUSHS won’t be instantly observed among the first two years, since it is just the beginning. However, he believes that, “College will become easier because you [students] are more equipped. I hope that wherever you will be, you are more ready and more mature in college.”

Senior High doesn’t solely revolve around academics. Socializing is also an important aspect for holistic growth in the Ignatian education. Students are given the time to interact with their friends and develop their talents through the different strand and track assemblies and general assemblies organized by the SHSG. “Our greatest legacy is the student body, in itself,” says Ondap. “By training these students to be critical, we have also helped in molding vigilant individuals and responsible citizens that our country needs.”

The SHSG also established activities and services for the students like book sales, free printing services, and calculator rentals – hoping that the next SHSG administration will continue to develop it. *** The present XUSHS system is a work in progress, with the administration and students striving to maintain the Xavier Ateneo mark of excellence.

However, the first two years have been an avenue for learning, discoveries, and growth in the XUSHS community – creating memorable first experiences to many, and producing the ripple effects of Magis. S

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Designed by Sean Phillipp C. Valencia

Last AY, a long line of late students would surrender their IDs to the Prefect of Students (PS) office after morning assemblies – showing the need to adjust the schedule. Another popular issue that heaved uproar from the batch was the imposition of the 2x3x1 haircut policy for boys.

With these issues at hand, sentiments were mostly expressed through social media, mostly on Twitter, expressing their thoughts and opinions on the policies implemented. Although some of the issues were dealt with accordingly, SHSG Vice President Matt Ondap still emphasizes the need for Magna Carta of students’ rights, “the piece of document that would put in check everyone in the community.”

On the other hand, Gultia recalls the proposed lockdown system policy by the administration last school year to reduce cases of cutting classes among students. The SHSG was firm on their stand against the implementation of the policy – conducting several meetings to discuss the problem with the administration.

“We saw it as a concern […] considering that we were in a shared campus with the college students. That is why we convened with the cabinet [members] and together we saw it as something not feasible,” says Gultia.

The challenges that XUSHS faced were not just mere issues but concerns that transformed the community and gave lessons to the students. Daluz, on the other hand, described the experience as similar to birthing pains.

He explains that, “If you want to come up with something that is new and wonderful, we have to struggle. It’s like giving birth to a baby. For one person to be alive, to become a member of the community, you really have to go through labor pains.”

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t’s full speed ahead as brilliant minds and hearts take over the Xavier University Senior High School (XUSHS) scene, proving that the spirit of Magis truly lives outside the four walls of the school.

Heeding to the call of service through sports and experiencing excellence through fulfilling their passion, here are this year’s XUSHS Achievements.

Xavier Debate Circle This team of XUSHS students has joined several debate competitions all around the country wherein they brought home the bacon. They had participated in the 35th Mindanao Parliamentary Debate Championship held at Butuan City last April 7 to 9, 2017. The team was composed of Mikaelo Bombeo (12-Castellani) who won High School Overall Best Speaker, Therese Gellor (12-Bouvet), Reine Madriaga (12-Masterson), Allysa Bacungan (12-Alenio), June Lui (12-Carroll) and Arianne Maghirang (12-Nicholson).

The team also joined the Bukidnon Inter-High School Parliamentary Debate Championship (BIPDC) Tournament. Team A which was composed of Therese Gellor and Mikaelo Bombeo who both won 1st Best Speaker and Reine Madriaga who won 2nd Best Speaker were able to reach quarterfinals, as well as Team C which was composed of Neil Padua (11-Tacquet), Sixto Lalanto II (11-Bernad) and Nicolo Macoy (12 Kostka).

On the other hand, Team B which was composed of Arianne Maghirang who won 4th Best Speaker, Allysa Bacungan and Alfe Padla (11-de la Colombiere) were able to reach grandfinals. Team D, another participating team, composed of Abdul Dimakuta Jr. (11de la Colombiere), Shilina Golez (11-Gordon), Edd Akut (11-Daigler), whileTeam E composed of Miah Daroy (11-de la Colombiere), Kurt Piencenaves (12-Kostka) and Kim Apor (11-Bernad).

Performing Arts Emilor James C. Cabanos (12-Castel) won in the 21st World Championship of Performing Arts held from June 30 to July 9, 2017 in California, USA. He garnered medals from five categories namely Broadway, Country, Opera, Gospel and Rock.

He also received the Industry Award.

by Andrea Felice Abesamis with contributions fro

Speech Competitions Benigno Catipay (12-Alenio) managed to score 2nd place during the College of Arts and Sciences (CAS) Festival’s speech contest held last February 21, 2017. Alleah Rana (11-Demetrio) brought home the success during the Impromptu Speech competition, also coming 2nd. The two were coached by Ms. Cristy Mercadehas and Ms. April Ramayan, respectively.

Philippine Math Olympiad Peter Salgados (12-Cetti), Elizur Maandig (12- Aimerich), and Mary Heruela (11-Gordon) were qualified to proceed to the 2nd stage (Area Stage) of the Philippine Math Olympiad held November 2017. The group was mentored by Mr. Pejie Santillian of the University’s Mathematics Department.

Milo Little Olympics Last September 1517, 2017, XU officially competed in the Milo Little Olympics Mindanao Regionals at Cagayan de Oro City.

The school improved its ranking, placing 6th overall out of the 50 to 70 estimated schools participating in both the elementary and secondary divisions from across the regions in

Mindanao.

M a .

L o u r d e s B a b a n t o (11-Clavius), and Missy Cervantes (11-Becker) of the Lady Crusaders Badminton Varsity Team helped in winning their 1st Championship Title in this competition.

In addition, Ma. Lourdes Babanto was recognized as the Most Outstanding Athlete (MOA) in the high school girls category for her exemplary performance

The Crusaders’ Football Teams The Crusaders Football and Futsal Varsity Teams Victories claimed by the Crusaders Football Boys Varsity Team were also given due recognition. The team came out as the 1st runner up for the Brgy. Carmen Football Fiesta Cup, the West 1 District Athletic Meet, and the 7th CEAP Mindanao Games.

The Crusaders Futsal Girls Varsity Team, on the other hand, emerged as the champion for the West 1 District Athletic Meet, the Division Athletic Meet, the Regional Athletic Meet, and the 7th CEAP Mindanao Games.

s & Glayzell Altrinna Bulang om Gillian Marie Sun

throughout the whole competition.

The Crusaders’ Chess Team The Crusaders Chess Varsity Team also had their own share of victories. The efforts of Adrian Othniel Yulo (11-Gordon) and Gian Patrick Espiritu (11-Ricci) had helped the boys team secure 1st Runner Up out of the 27 schools that competed.

The Crusaders’ Tennis Teams The Crusaders Tennis Varsity Team Recognition was also given to the Crusaders Tennis Varsity Team for the achievements they made throughout the entire school year. Matt Steve Palasan of 11-Demetrio had won first place in the District and Division Meets in the Singles A bracket, as well as competed in the PhinmaPSC International Juniors held in Manila in the Doubles R-16 bracket and the PTT-ITF Juniors held in Nonthaburi, Thailand.

Vince Gabriel Neri of 11-Bellarmine won runner-up for both the District and Division Meets in the Singles B bracket. Additionally, Clarisse Ubalde of 11-De Aguilon became the champion of the Singles A bracket in the District Meet. Mary Genevieve Piator (11-Madigan) and Rizaa Mae Ponce (11-De Aguilon) also both won first place in the Doubles bracket in the District Meet. Erina Renee Tampus (11-Clavius), along with the rest of the players, made it to the semi-finals of the Milo Little Olympics.

The Crusaders’ Basketball Team The Crusaders Basketball Varsity Team Honors were given as well to the Crusaders Basketball Team. The team won silver in the CYBL Summer League, bronze in the Macasandig Summer League, CDOBF Hoop-It Mindanao and the 7th CEAP Mindanao Games, and 3rd runner-up in the Fiba SBP 3x3 Basketball. They also qualified in the quarter finals for NBTC, the Loyola Cup and the Milo Little Olympics, as well as in the semi-finals for Milo Best Basketball and Summer Fiba 3x3 Basketball. They also participated in the DepEd District Meet, Jr NBA Regional Selection Camp, Elite 60 NBTC Invitational Camp, and CDO 3x3 Eagles Club Basketball Tournament. *** The XUSHS community never fails to bring home pride and honor whenever they battle it out, whether it be on the court, stage, or any possible playing field. A manifestation of St. Ignatius of Loyola’s teaching to go forth and set the world on fire, the SHS community unceasingly proves their unwavering potential through their achievements. May the succeeding batches continue this legacy of giving nothing but their utmost best in the things they do for and with the University.

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Designed by Eric Noel B. Jabagat & Sean Phillipp C. Valencia

The Crusaders Swim Team The Crusaders Swim Team also accumulated their own honors for this competition. Tanya Ysabel Barero (12-Nicholson) garnered two silver medals in said competition. Stacey Robyne Sy (11-Clavius) was awarded two silver medals, and Matthew Mikhail Pareja (11-Madigan) gained one silver and bronze medal.

VOL. 1 NO. 4 MARCH 2018

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even months ago, the Philippines was reported to have the highest Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) infection growth rate of 140 percent in Asia-Pacific for years 2010 to 2016. Meanwhile, 31 percent of the 1,962 cases found from July to August 2017 stemmed from people ages 1524.

Misamis Oriental – Cagayan de Oro AIDS Network (MOCAN) Chairperson Fritzie Estoque attributes these alarming figures to the risky sexual behavior of the Filipinos, especially the young. So, when Cagayan de Oro (CDO) was pinpointed as one of the HIV hotspots of the country not so long ago, what has really been happening beyond the city’s well-lit streets and homes where topics revolving around sex are hushed as taboo?

are treatments for HIV available such as the Antiretroviral Therapy (ART), it would still be insufficient to eradicate the virus, for the treatment can only boost the immune system and reduce the risk of infecting others rather than destroying the virus itself.

Four liquids are involved in transmitting HIV: vaginal discharge, semen discharge, blood, and breast milk.

Although least common occurrence, blood and blood products are the most effective way of transmitting HIV compared to unprotected sexual intercourse.

For the first few weeks after acquiring HIV, one may experience flulike symptoms and swelling of glands.

However, severe symptoms would only manifest around 2 to 10 years or more, for it would take roughly a year for the HIV to grow in number and spread around the body. Once HIV-positive, one would have a low energy and is more vulnerable to infections and diseases. University Health Director Augusto C. Guitarte Jr., MD notes, “A simple pneumonia could be fatal for a person who has an HIV.”

Adequate View on HIV HIV is a virus that directly attacks and endangers the immune system of a person, particularly the white blood cells (leukocytes) which is the defense mechanism of the body against diseases, infections, allergies and foreign particles. HIV should not be interchanged with AIDS (Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome) for the latter is a medical condition brought

by HIV, however not all HIVpositive individuals would develop AIDS. Although there

Safety First With the rampant spread of HIV in the country, the Department of Health (DOH) advised five simple precautionary measures to avoid the acquisition of HIV: the A-B-C-D-E pattern. A stands for “abstinence for sex”, B for “be faithful”, C for “condoms” or as mentioned by Dr. Guitarte, “commitment and conscience”, D for “no to drugs and sharing of needles” and lastly, E for “educate and early detection”.

When combined altogether, these five tips boil down to one general concept: responsibility. When one is responsible of his or her actions, prevention is easily attainable.

Designed by Sean P

by Maria Franchesca Louise P. Fajemolin & Jan Erika A. Merida

A Beacon of Hope In CDO, five health centers offer free, fast, and confidential HIV testing, namely: Northern Mindanao Medical Center (NMMC), City Health Office, Maria Reyna – Xavier University Hospital, Committee of German, and the Camp Evangelista Station Hospital.

Clients undergo pre-counselling sessions to boot the testing process, which is followed by blood sampling, where the center may take an hour to three days to release the results. Clients with possibly HIV-positive results shall have to wait two to three weeks for the final say from San Lazaro Hospital, Manila. To conclude the process, clients –whether signaled positive or negative- are briefed through a postcounselling session on what to do next.

“Don’t lose hope. [...] One can have a good life ahead of you, kahit PLHIV (Person living with HIV) ka,” Estoque proclaims, “Pero it’s not easy.” Hope persists when one is aware and is following the ART offered at NMMC coupled with a balanced diet, good sleep, and well-managed stress.

Estoque furthers that there are PLHIV currently far from backing down even after 40 years. In addition, she rejects that one has to abstain from sex or even have children once diagnosed with HIV as long as treatment and precautionary measures are strictly followed.

Ensuring Inclusivity Given the high incidence of the youth involved in risky sexual behavior today, Estoque encourages them to get tested, too. For minors to be tested, however, they

Phillipp C. Valencia

would need the approval of their parents.

She remarks, “Ang dami nang nagpacheck with their parents, pero mas madaming hindi nagpapatest because takot sa parents.”

Aside from the culture of shame and honor many Filipino parents are identified with, several cases such as family abuse hinder possibly HIV-positive minors from getting tested and treated due to existing laws governing the country. This is why an ordinance for proxy-consent is on the works in the city. This will allow a trained person to guide these minors through the HIV testing process. But, should the child be positive, the parents would finally have to know. *** “This generation loves to talk about sex, and most of them love to do it,” Estoque opines. This is why educating the youth is needed more today. Sex education and healthy discussions are not done to encourage this generation to participate in risky and promiscuous behavior, but rather to hand them options. With the rapid rise of HIV cases in the Philippines, now is the best time to talk. S Sources: http://cnnphilippines.com/news/2017/08/30/ UNAIDS-HIV-in-PH-a-fast-growing-epidemic. html http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/948496/breakinghealth-doh-hiv-aids https://medlineplus.gov/hivaids.html https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/ articles/17131.php

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VOL. 1 NO. 4 MARCH 2018 n the two years that the first SHS batch have stayed inside the four walls of the campus, questions still arise on whether they have chosen the right strand for the courses they will take in the very near future.

This has caused a light uproar and panic for those students who plan on taking courses which are not under their specific strands.

However, SHS Principal Rogelio Gawahan announced that there is no problem with such, especially after the University released its progression policies.

outside their strand.

“College is the real deal and I need a course that will give me a solid foundation in the future,” HUMSS-12 student Andrea Brito says. Her two years have helped her decide what she really wants to do in the future, which is business or aeronautics. Brito also claims that the courses do not really matter as the exposure and preparation that SHS gave is the same in all strands.

As risk is inevitably On the basis of shifting present in the pursuit to “We look into the idea of take a different route in the progression policy [of the the future, Brito says that school]. They can take (courses it is possible for her to outside of their strands) be behind the topics and provided that they meet the lessons in the specialized cut-off scores of the RTCU,” subjects that she has Gawahan explains. He further missed because she took expounded that students need to a different strand in SHS. meet a percentile score of 50 and However, she believes that above to be able to take board everything can be learned courses that are outside of their and taking a different strands. Gawahan, however, course is best for her mentions that the Engineering future. department will soon release HUMSS-12 student their own set of guidelines on Yumi Alquisalas shares accepting non-STEM students. the pros of having a strand

by Mari Justin P. Akut with contributions from Princess Reyen Tan Otherwise, students enrolling in misaligned to their course. non-board courses should have “What if mag change imong no problem. mind while in college and be assessed if they have learned the basics of you want to take up other courses (instead On special programs available the course. In other words, all students are of the course one takes on the first year) maStudents who did not meet RTCU cut- qualified to take the course of their choice option dayon nimo ang courses in line with off scores can still be accepted into board outside of their strands as long as they enroll your strand now,” she expounds. courses as “conditionals” or students “on in the summer program in order to take all On the other hand, she also expressed probation.” Given, those from other strands the subjects they missed prior. Gawahan her worries on the fact that she has a lot of will have to take the specialized subjects assures that students who take these classes catching up to do with Mathematics and they missed. will not be required to study their course Sciences subjects in college as she is firm With this, XU will provide a month- longer. Years in college will remain the same in taking up Dentistry instead of courses long summer program which offers these unless other factors arise, such as failing a aligned to her strand. preparatory courses for college. The classes class. will serve as a backgrounder for students to The summer classes are open to non-XU *** take pre-requisite subjects they missed in students as well, though the administration Since the course one chooses in college SHS. is still deciding how much to charge students usually directs someone’s career in the future, To determine which subjects to offer, for these classes. However, Gawahan states most students take utmost consideration Gawahan says that they will be surveying that the price range are similar to 3-unit when choosing a course. It’s true that the students. “When we have the figures, we courses, which is more or less PHP 3,000. risk will always be greater than the result – [will] look at your strand [...] and the but that doesn’t mean one doesn’t have the desires of taking summer classes, then we On students’ sentiments choice to take it. After all, when one wins a [will] offer it.” he added.

Although 2 years in SHS has helped gamble, the prize will always be greater than There will no longer be a qualifying exam harness their skills and interest in a certain what one expects it to be. S at the end of the course. Rather, students will field, some students still opt to take courses Designed by Eric Noel B. Jabagat

CREAT I V E NO N FICTIO N

so far away.

by AJ Haddix

I

took a good long look into her eyes, taking jerky steps back. I felt my vision swimming, the tears brimming and blurring, as a heavy, painful feeling settled in my chest. The rest of my senses were slowly turning mute, nothing else to feel but the pain and fear in her eyes resonating with the rest of my feelings.

Another stab in the chest. No no no, what have I done?

“I-I’m sorry,” I remembered my voice being shaky and uneven. “I’m sorry.” She wasn’t shaking like I was (of course, she was always good at holding her composure) but her eyes never left mine, accusing me of fear, confusion and hurt; each emotion stabbing and twisting painfully in my heart. Her lips moved, but her next words were lost on me.

The conversation, the conversation, it played through my head like a broken record. I could still hear every second it, recall every word laced with venom and pain.

She bade goodbye with the promise of talking to me later. After you sort yourself out? I remembered walking afterwards, walking to God knows where. The pain and fear in her eyes haunted my thoughts, and I felt the need to be apologize, to finally make things right in her eyes. But what good would that do to you?

I remembered calling Jonah, hands trembling and vision doubling. In that moment, I felt everything in me collapse,

leaving me in ruins. Incoherent words left my lips the moment Jonah picked up my call, voice cracking with every punctured word, with every attempt to try to explain my situation.

But there was no mistaking it. No matter how much I tried to clarify my actions, the hurtful look in her eyes would forever haunt me.

Not an angel, I’m not perfect for her.

Monster – I’m a monster.

Alcohol is a luxury for a bum (but I can’t stand it sober) Technicolors in the low lights and bottles of bronze-colored liquor filled my sight. The supposedly throbbing music and noisy chatter of the company in the background felt like a lull in my ears and I couldn’t help but smile just a little bit. There was a hysteria bubbling inside my chest, the need to just laugh everything as if I were a crazed woman but who the hell could care anyway? I needed a release, I needed an outlet from everything that went downhill in my life now.

Another shot down, and everything felt sharper. My mind started to feel hazy, drifting slowly back to where it all started.

Who knew it could end up like this anyway?

Mustering the courage to tell my parents that their eldest daughter, their breadwinner, was actually attracted to girls just as much as she was attracted to boys, who knew it would end up in rainbows and sunshine? A girl could only dream as much, and I wished it happened like that.

Fairytales weren’t meant to exist, just like how I thought my parents would wholly accept me for being a little more queer.

Despite the alcohol in my system, I could hear their disbelieving tones after I told my end of the story. I could see the dismay and disappointment in their faces upon hearing this revelation. I could recall the question dancing in their eyes, asking where they went wrong and what happened to their perfect little girl.

I wanted to laugh so badly. I didn’t realize

being gay means being called a flaw in the family, a disaster to society, and a defect needed to be swatted away. I didn’t realize being pansexual means being a thorn in everyone’s side, because why couldn’t you be like the rest of the majority. I didn’t realize being in love with a person just as the same as I was means being a sinner subjected to eternal damnation. I didn’t realize being me means being rejected, an imperfection to the people I love.

I remembered talking to Nic later that night, after I dropped the bomb on my parents. I remembered breaking down because the people I thought I could trust weren’t there to help me at my weakest, everyone except Nic. I remembered Nic’s comforting words, telling me everything would be alright. But that’s not how it works – that night was the moment that everything started to fall apart for me, the moment where I thought everything was perfect was but a lie I continued to hold on to.

If only I could turn back time.

Another shot downed. Might as well drink until I could no longer remember.

Everyone else is running (why am I the only one here) The week after Nic decided to leave felt like time was being a burden on me. It felt longer than it normally would, like it was giving me the luxury to remember all those memories that now left a hole in my heart.

I remembered sighing and spacing out to whatever Caden and my seatmates were talking about. If anything, Nic’s departure left me feeling more worn out and tired with whatever direction life was pulling me.

The week after Nic decided to leave left me pondering when would I be okay again.

It wasn’t just Nic’s departure that left me feeling numb; my friends, the ones I knew before Senior High School started, were now estranged to me. I couldn’t blame them, I guess? I’m a damned person, my mistakes were the highlights of me and my reputation could no longer be fixed from the damage done. I thought I could fix it, I thought I

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could make things alright again and let it be back to the way it was before – how naïve I was to have ever thought of something like that.

Classes those days felt like a blur, a mechanical routine that meant nothing but compliance to me. Sometimes I would find myself crying to Tia or Klyde about what happened, sometimes I would end up venting out my frustrations and anger at Nic, at my friends, at the world to August. Sometimes I would find myself staring mindlessly outside the classroom, leaning against the railings and thinking how it would feel to just fall. Fall and feel everything slip from my fingertips.

Those days I realized that everyone was progressing, everyone was moving on and making decisions on where to go next. Those days I realized I’m still trying to pick up the fragments of my past and glue them back together. Those days I realized that I was obsessed to getting my life back together, back when it was all perfect for me.

The week after Nic decided to leave was the week I realized I lost myself in the process of trying to bring something back.

I’m an idiot for believing (I live because I can’t die) Adrenaline was my best friend that night. I didn’t know where I was going; just the desire to get away from the fiasco was the only motivation for me to run. Just like Prometheus’ attempts of forgiveness from Zeus for stealing the flames of Olympus, my attempts of forgiveness for leaving my supposed best friend to her own demise were met with anger and apprehension left in nigh. The fleeting memories of the last few months blurred my mind, and the guilt of it left a burning pain inside of me.

The disappointment from my parents, the betrayal from my friends, and the mockery from those who I thought I could trust.

You’re just a mess. You don’t belong here.

It’s too much. I needed to get out. I

CREAT I V E NO N FICTIO N

needed to get away from here.

The cool yet rough surface of the walls felt foreign to my fingers, when I realized I ended up running outside the retreat house. The darkness out there felt like it was spiraling on forever, with the trees and other foliage adding a ghastly yet enticing look for me to dip in. What came over me, I couldn’t remember. My breathing hitched, my weight was hoisted a bit over the edge. If I leaned in more, I could save myself from further damage I could have done.

Just a little bit more. No one wants a defect around anyway.

Footsteps softly padded behind me, and I froze in my act. Suddenly I remembered the people who mattered to me – my parents, my friends, Nic. Nic. I snapped back to reality and took shaky steps backwards, away from the ledge as if I were plagued by it. Nic wouldn’t want this, Nic wouldn’t want to lose you like this.

Tia was there, a worried look clear on her face. I remembered sputtering words out, trying to string something together for an explanation, but they didn’t matter. I remembered almost falling on my knees before Tia closed the distance between us and clung to her instead. I remembered crying until my lungs were on fire and my voice turned hoarse.

I remembered telling myself to never die because of perfection.

Wherever you are (may your trials end in full bloom) Moments like this were peculiar to me.

Most of the time, it was a tug of war, a neverending pull of mistake one after another. I grew tired, and so did Nic. But sometimes, it was like this: when after the long history of regrets and mistakes finally meant nothing to us anymore, and it was just our company that mattered more.

When I could feel Nic’s presence more real than ever, the feel of her soft skin, the

sounds of her soft breathing, the sight of the peaceful look on her face. Intimate moments like this were few and rare, and I cherished those moments, where I could feel my heart being soft for someone like her.

“You’re beautiful,” she would say, I would smile shyly and maybe look away.

You’re more beautiful, you’re so perfect. This is perfect.

I found myself welcoming a pair of arms wrapped around me, a silent forgiveness for all that was done and a promise of love for what was yet to come. Moments like these I realized that I’ve been chasing perfection in all the wrong places. It’s right here all along – right here with her, right here with me. This sounds like something out of a fairytale, but it’s long past that. Perfection is bullcrap, but if it were like this, I don’t mind this damaged definition of it after all. S

Note: The headings for this micromemoir is taken from the English translation of Agust D’s So Far Away.

C RE AT I V E NON F ICTION

Was Love No More

by Yoshia Arjona

H

ow was I supposed to get out of bed?

I didn’t even want breakfast. Going out of my room meant seeing them.

Then we’d have to talk about things… more of those things. I didn’t want to hear any more of it – how much my brother troubled them, the curses my grandfather would spit out of his old mouth, my grandmother’s warnings that left my ears ringing afterwards, telling me that, if I got pregnant, my life would be ruined.

“Shang, it’s better to marry without love,” my grandmother had said. Months had passed since she’d said that but it still stuck in my head like gum on a chair.

“You know what,” she continued, “I never loved your grandfather. He was ugly.”

I laughed. It felt like spurting empty noise from my lungs and into my mouth; I felt nothing.

Well, maybe a bit of disgust.

Now, it was the morning of New Year’s. It was cold. My blanket knotted around my legs, refusing to let me go.

I shrugged internally. Neither my mind nor body wanted to leave the bed. Half of my energy was spent on my tear ducts; they couldn’t seem to close themselves up. It was like a fuse had blown, and my eyes couldn’t quit spilling tears. The other half of my energy was spent on my hands. They’d grown a bit cold and rigid from gripping the blanket too hard. I kept them close to my mouth, muffling my strangled gasps and sighs.

January first. My January first was spent in my room, suffocating in my own air and fluids.

There was no one to call.

Okay, maybe there were some, but it didn’t seem like a good idea to spoil someone else’s New Year’s morning with my own ruin.

So, yeah, there was no one to call. It was definitely not my mother. God, anyone but her.

If I talked to her about this, she’d be crying, too, and we’d both look stupid and I didn’t want that. I most certainly didn’t want to cry with my mother.

Hell, I didn’t want my mother.

My dad. Dude, how do you talk to someone you don’t really know?

The answer – you just don’t. Yeah, sure, we

get each other but he’s a stranger who needs to be called family because he’s my father.

And as for my brother, he’s a guy. Plus, he’s sixteen and stupid. Clearly, there’s no chance. And he’s family; you don’t really talk about personal problems with family. You usually talk about those in a bar with your friends, a half-empty bottle in your hand, and whatever’s left of your dignity flying out of your mouth in the form of spit.

No. I couldn’t worry my friends with my own burden. They already had enough issues to deal with.

The boyfriend. Ugh, God. The boyfriend.

Actually, he was a good idea, but I was sure he was perfectly happy with his New Year together with his mother and father in their small but cozy and awesomely clean apartment. I knew he was happy with his family, so why ruin his morning?

It sucked. It really sucked. Everyone was so psyched about starting their New Year right and happy and just better.

And yet here I was, stuck in my misery. Like, actual misery that they talk about in novels where the character just couldn’t get out of her nasty rut.

I was in that rut on the first day of January 2018.

And no one knew. So, I might as well tweet.

And I did.

And then a ping – Messenger.

His nickname popped up with those two familiar emojis.

“Happy New Year, baby,” said the text with the air of God-given cheeriness that I wished I had at that moment.

“Happy new year,” I replied, with the air of Satan’s gloom and death.

Basically, the conversation went something like this: “nag unsa kaaa?” “wala lang. tanga.”

Chubby sent a video. (This was one of the puppies) Kulot reacted to your video. “nag eat naka?” “wala pa.” “…okay raka?” “lol. okay raman. why diay?”

“I can feel you through the phone.” “aw lol. sure.” “what’s wrong?”

That was when things started to go to hell.

I couldn’t say anything. There was too much to say – an overload of things I couldn’t just talk about like it was the most natural conversation between two people.

If I finally talked about it, there were going to be tears, and dead silences. There was going to be heartbreak, my heartbreak. And hearing him

(even through the phone) ask what was wrong, well, my heart clenched in response.

So, I told him what was wrong – I missed my family.

But there was nothing to miss because there was no family anymore. Both people of my immediate family were separated not only by land and sea but by years of maltreatment, untreated wounds, and seething hatred. And the people left with my brother and me were family, but they didn’t feel like it.

They felt more like a group of people who happened to be related to me by blood and were bonded by their hatred for both my bastard for a father and my misguided brother.

I thought my grandma was okay, but even she dismissed the idea of marriage as something that was supposed to be full of love.

Family: they were the people who were supposed to teach you not only about the ominous paths that may lay ahead of you, but about all the good things in the world, too. I had no mother, and my brother had no father. All I was supposed to have now were my grandparents who loved each other through thick and thin for forty-three years.

But no, even that, I didn’t have because, as it turns out, my grandmother never loved my grandfather, and she wished for me to marry without love.

She didn’t have to say the rest. I already understood. If I was to marry, I should choose a man who was rich and could provide.

Where the hell is the love?

I swear to God that I believed in that. I lived by that. It was my belief since I was a child. It was my hope. I remember little me telling myself that, when I grew up, I’d find love, and I wouldn’t be like mommy and daddy. I wouldn’t be like mommy who lost daddy.

I would keep the man I loved, and I would love him well.

Love. It was who I was at the core of my being.

But what do you do when your own family doesn’t seem to think that love was possible?

What do you do when the people you were taught to listen to and respect told you that it was better that love wasn’t around? What would you do?

What was I supposed to do?

Love. It was what kept me afloat, what kept me going. It was what made me see color when everything was black and white. It was what kept me happy.

Was. January first. I was stuck. I had no hope and every belief was shattered. Reality weighed me down.

So, how was I supposed to get out of bed?

S

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