Vol. 72, Issue 19

Southern Accident The guile of Southern for 90 years!

Collegedale, Tennessee

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Vol. 72, Issue 19

ols April Fo Edition!

Southern students convicted for freakily frenching Katilin colon The AcTuAl news eDiTor

After a grotesque public display of affection in front of Thatcher Hall on Sunday night, students caught swapping spit in front of the dorms will be fined.

Students are outraged that one of their popular makeout spots has been taken away from them.

The decision was made after two people were engaged in an aggressive game of tonsil hockey. The Thatcher deans said they intervened before someone could score.

“We deans believe in the saying, ‘No ring, no touching’ and we don’t allow jewelry on campus,” said Dean French.

“It’s not fair,” said Lucy Goosey, senior physical therapy major. “Now the only place we

really have left is the Prayer Garden, and it’s always crowded.”

Students who walked by and witnessed the guile of Satan taking over the bodies of the two individuals were horrified.

One student, in passing, said, “We need more Student Week of Prayer.”

In addition to giving fines out to the two individuals, who have preferred to stay unnamed, deans also fined students that appeared undisturbed.

“We chose to fine students that were not disgusted because we wanted them to know what would happen if they tried to do the same,” said Dean Peck.

“I’ve done the tongue twister all around campus and I thought no one would say anything to me because I’m in a relationship,”

said the girl caught sinfully snogging.

“When I told them they couldn’t fine me because I don’t even go here, they told me they would pray for the salvation of my soul and purity of my mind,” said the man caught alongside his girlfriend.

The deans said that they will be handing out fines for what they defined as “lewd acts of the mouth and hands”. The fine will start at $25 for first offense and will be doubled for every penalty incurred after.

“I don’t see why the deans are so mad,” said Luke Tenderly, senior physical chemistry major.

“I personally feel that something called, ‘Seven Minutes in Heaven’ brings me closer to God.”

Photo By Kaitlin Colon Students partake in final Thatcher lawn kiss after Administration decides enough is enough.

Faculty has last laugh: Studio banned from department banter Rachel BRouhaRd The AcTuAl Designer

The writer and presenter of The Feed, Andrew Cuevas, was disheartened when told he could no longer create satire targeting Southern’s art students. “I was told this by higher powers, and going to Southern has taught me to never question authority,” Andrew Cuevas said.

Although many art students remained silent when attacked through every single Studio performance, they are now voicing how happy they are that the

torment is finally over.

“I’m thrilled that I don’t have to be reminded how single I am just because I’m an art major!” said Julia Izquierdo, sophomore graphic design major.

“It’s really difficult hearing that I will never find a job in my career” said Anthony Gonzalez, junior graphic design major.

The writers for future shows will remain uncertain. When the director, Greg Manestar, was approached over the deci-

sion and the future of Studio, he refused to comment. After seeing the most recent show on Saturday, some students left wondering what was going on in some of the skits. “The last episode’s writing just wasn’t good in my opinion, but I know it’s not Studio’s fault,” said Caleb Begley, junior journalism-digital broadcast major. We will have to wait and see what next year holds in store for Studio 4109.

Upon the request of the Administration, some sections of this April Fools’ Edition have been removed.

Photo By Tierra Hayes Director, Greg Manestar apologizes sorrowfully for offensive comments.

Studio 4109 is no longer allowed to make fun of any part of Southern’s student body.

Studio 4109’s final show for the 2016-2017 year exemplified this. At their third show, feelings were hurt and complaints were made (all felt and made by the Gym Masters) and so faculty cracked down on the wisecracks.

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news

Southern Accent

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Administration finds solution to cafeteria debt of death.” Each student who participates in this exercise will be required to recite this prayer as many times as the administrator deems necessary to dismiss up to Last semester, students eruptseven (7) worship credits. ed in discourse about being A more strenuous activity restricted from registering for available for students to declare classes because they were not repentance will be held every able to reach the minimum worSunday morning at 10:30 when ship credit requirement. Since the first trumpet of the three the way in which students are administration has proposed a angel’s message will sound. able to acquire worship credits new system that will please stu- Participants will gather at Jacob’s has been shifted, it has become dents, parents and deans. ladder near the guy’s entrance to almost impossible for students The desk workers at each dorm the cafeteria to bend on their to reach the halfway point by the will be in charge of a penance knees and proceed to climb the time class registration comes shop where students can pur- stairs seven times. around.

Students are thrilled with this chase indulgences in exchange “I remember during my fresh- for missed worships. Indulgences new proposal from administraman year I was able to sign will cost $6.66 per worship cred- tion and parents are thankful out every Friday night and get it. But here’s the catch… that they will not be directly worship credit in exchange for Students can also acquire charged for the faults of their getting wasted at UTC’s Frat par- man-made grace from their children who miss worships. ties,” said Sierra Emilaire, junior sins by meeting up with any “All of this could be avoided, English major. “It was lit, but administrator on Tuesdays and though, if students simply say not as good as the underground Thursdays from 12-2 to recite their “Hail EGW’s” morning and parties at Southern. I would see “Hail Ellen G. White’s”. The night and attend their classes Snapchats of the worship service required recitation is: “Hail and worship services regularly,” from my phone and that seemed Ellen, full of grace, the Lord said John Smithsonian. like enough Jesus for my taste.”

Administration hopes that this is with thee; blessed art thou Since phone lines were backed amongst women, and blessed is new development in atoning up due to high traffic from the fruit of thy brain, The Desire oneself will motivate students to dismayed parents, many angry of Ages. Holy Ellen, Prophet of go to worships and if they refuse messages were left. After months the Adventist Church, pray for to attend, they will at least learn thecalls, request of the Administration, somerituals sections of this April of angry emails Upon and phone of our Church. us sinners, now and at the hour valuable Sierra emilaire and erica King The AcTuAl ediTor-in-chief And The AcTuAl humor ediTor

“Hail Ellen, full of gr ace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy br ain, The Desire of Ages.

Holy Ellen, Prophet of the Adventist Church, pr ay for us sinners, now

and at the hour of death.”

Fools’ Edition have been removed.

Southern Accent The student voice for 90 years

Sierra Emilaire, Editor-in-Chief

on Daniel Ols ISOR STAFF ADV

L THE ACTUA

Natalia Perez

Tierra Hayes

Alexis Hartline

Rachel Brouhard

Jonathan DaSilva

THE ACTUAL MANAGING EDITOR

THE ACTUAL PHOTO EDITOR

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THE ACTUAL DESIGNER

THE ACTUAL CIRCULATION MANAGER

Kaitlin Colon

Caleb Begley

Erica King

Tia Huff

THE ACTUAL NEWS EDITOR

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THE ACTUAL HUMOR EDITOR

THE ACTUAL DESIGNER

Jordan Putt

Hannah Jobe

Daniela Ursulenko

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THE ACTUAL COPY EDITOR

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THE ACTUAL WEB MANAGER

THE ACTUAL SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

The Accent encourages readers to write articles and voice their opinion. For questions, comments or article submissions, email accent@southern.edu.

For all advertising inquiries, email David Cammack at dcammack@southern.edu.

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Thursday, March 30, 2017

Southern Accent 3

DARTBOARD CONFESSIONAL Career services buys game to help students choose major U.N. DeciDeD Contributor

Southern students can now aim for the bulls-eye when choosing their major.

Career services has purchased a career-themed dartboard— with sections allocated for a multitude of majors from accounting to zoology—to aid Southern students in the career exploration process. The dartboard will help students eliminate the stress of the recommended career development process.

“The game of darts is an enjoyable pastime,” said Daniel Olson, Career Services coordina-

tor. “Instead of students having to do all the research associated with picking a major, choosing a career path by the luck of the dart makes just as much sense.”

Recent research at other universities shows that students who use the dartboard approach are not any more satisfied with their new major; however, an alarming number of those students drop out of college to pursuit a career in professional darts.

Most Southern students expressed support for the Career Services dartboard philosophy.

“I’ve always enjoyed learn-

ing about relationships and human behavior,” said Dennys Dominguez, senior psychology major. “But with the research design and statistics course requiring so much work and energy, I’m thinking about using that dartboard and changing my major to something that will allow me to sleep in more.”

Other students were enthused by the new assessment instrument.

“I’m not planning to change my career path,” said Laura DeLillo, junior nursing major.

“But the idea of throwing sharp, pointy objects sounds fun.”

School of Religion: Ring by spring not a thing HaNNaH Jobe the ACtuAl Copy editor

Photo By Tierra Hayes Kay’s Jewelers will be pulling their partnership with Southern.

Southern’s Theology department is significantly behind in its engagement quota for the 2016-17 school year. This year’s total so far is 10 engagements while last year, 20 theology majors were newly engaged by the end of spring break.

With five weeks left before finals, department heads are doubtful that their majors will pull through and reach the year’s goal.

Keeping up engagement figures is very important because several donors’ contributions are contingent on Southern retaining the true spirit of Southern Matrimony College.

“When I was here, everyone was married by the time they left, it’s what you did. Everyone

knows that if you don’t find the one before you graduate, you’ll never meet a good Christian man, or woman,” said Gretchen Wallace, Southern Alumna. “We cannot let the guile of Satan prevent us from keeping our dear youth in the church.”

In accordance with the teachings of Ellen White, prospective pastors must be married before they are eligible to be hired, because as Ned Donors said, “One person simply cannot be a pastor, pianist, Sabbath School teacher, Children’s Story coordinator and women’s ministry’s director at once.”

The School of Religion started the Ring by Spring Campaign in 1985 to incentive students to get engaged during their undergrad. Several conferences have agreed that if graduating seniors propose before the end of the

school year, they will be eligible to receive full compensation for their graduate studies.

Sinthia Snake gave reason that theology majors should find their special someone at Southern.

“Southern is an especially good place to find a wife because it holds the biggest selection of nursing majors in all Adventist institutions, and Pastors have to make a living somehow.”

Conversely, the School of Nursing has had an abundance of students with a brand-new ring on their finger. Their numbers have risen 200 percent over the last four years.

With nursing numbers rising and theology falling, Baal Idol, junior theology major, wondered where the disconnect was. “Are we just not getting out there enough?”

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Southern Accent

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Looking for a church? Here’s the catch!

Daniel Masela runs Florida church Brother John Michael coMstock Contributor

Despite disapproval from the North American Division, Daniel Masela, senior religious studies major, has been running his own Seventh-day Adventist church for two years. Fall Meadows church is located in Sanford, Florida, which is near Spring Meadows church, a favorite of

Masela. “Florida is the friendliest state in the world,” Masela said.

Masela is affectionately known among his congregation as the most bald-headed pastor, a name that he made up himself and demanded everyone call him.

He is now facing dwindling congregation numbers because he cannot remember anyone’s name. “I was doing so good but then my sleeping schedule was

Upon the of the Administration, Photo Illustration By request Tierra Hayes

ruined because I was drinking too much coffee,” Masela said.

“I fell asleep during praise and worship. It wasn’t good.”

Masela said that Fall Meadows is the friendliest church in the world. He fills the role of greeter and pastor. “I started the church with 25 people, but here’s the catch, two years later there’s 700 people,” Masela said. No one knows how Masela has been pastoring a church while in school

two states away.

Fall Meadows has more than what the typical church provides.

“We have coffee, contemporary music, doughnuts from Hebrews Cafe, communion once a week, and there’s a basketball court and swimming pool right next to the sanctuary,” Masela said.

Popular church activities include a game called Holy Hoops where people can dunk in the name of the Lord.

“Hey buddy, here’s the catch, Fall Meadows is the friendliest church in the world! The church is on 5784 North Ronald Reagan Blvd. Sanford, FL, 32773,” Masela said.

“I can say without a doubt that I’ve sensed Jesus’ presence in a real and tangible way in the church,” he added. “Five words, Jesus was near this week!”

some sections of this April Fools’ Edition have been removed.

news

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Southern Accent 5

Fantastic Bietz and where to find him Brandon Beneche Contributor

In the fall of 2019, former Southern president Gordon Bietz will start a new university in Montreal, Canada, called Northern Adventist University.

Bietz’s project is a response to thousands of calls from the world church to add another university in Canada. Mark Haynal, president of Burman University in Lacombe, Alberta, said that he had asked Bietz to consider starting the school when the two met

last summer for tea. “I’ve been trying to get Gordon up here for years,” Haynal said, “but he always left me on read. I realized things had changed when he told me that he really missed running a university. I realized his mind was made up when I showed him how cheap our health care is up here.”

Bietz said that he is excited to resume his presidential work.

“I’ve got some big plans for NAU,” Bietz said. “First and foremost, our mascot has to be the Canadian goose. After years of

pushing Southern’s duck agenda, I really need a change of pace.”

Bietz also said he was looking forward to the change of scenery.

“Collegedale is nice and my wife and I aren’t thrilled about the cold Canadian winters,” Bietz said, “but when I saw all my cutouts gathering dust in my closet, I realized that the boys needed a new home.”

When asked how she felt about her husband’s promotion, Cynthia made no comment.

Photo Courtesy Studio 4109 Youtube Former President, Gordon Beitz, will soon be converting the Canadian forest into “Fenton 2.0.”

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Southern Accent

religion

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Parking tickets to fund start-up band Alexis HArtline The AcTuAl OpiniOn ediTOr

Last week, during the fire drill at Thatcher South, Campus Safety officials announced the beginning of a brand new ministry called “Tickets for Tithe.”

Inspired by various vocal group performances seen on campus, several officers felt called to create an a capella group of their own.

The band has announced that, starting next month, all funds collected from parking tickets will be given to the Tithe and Offering fund of the Collegedale Seventh-Day Adventist Church.

Furthermore, all fees paid for campus parking permits will be donated for the “Tickets for Tithe” ministry.

In a recent interview, an unnamed source said that the group has been searching for a name for the musical entourage, but has struggled with finding the perfect one. Some of the proposed names include

Photo By Kaitlin Colon Students partake in final Thatcher lawn kiss after Administration decides enough is enough.

the following: “Veggie Cops,” “Salvation and Safety,” and the most popular one, “The Three Ticketeers”. The group has asked Southern Adventist University students to submit suggestions for the perfect

name. Submissions for group names can be sent directly to the Accent, or shared on various social media outlets using the hashtag, #ticketsfortithe.

Sources say that the group will be releasing their debut

single this coming April, titled “These (Car)Boots Are Made for Stoppin’”. But here’s the catch! Campus Safety has expressed a strong desire to become involved with Engage Ministries, as well as partici-

pate in Studio 4109 as musical guests. The University president shared his excitement and gratitude by making the following statement.

“It’s not every day that you find such diverse talent in courageous men like our Campus Safety officers,” the president said. “Finding time to practice while keeping our campus safe can prove to be a very trying experience. And yet, amidst fire alarms and the demanding task of yelling “ALL CLEAR”, they have managed to create beautiful and inspiring music. I hope every student at Southern will strive to be as ambitious as these fine officers.”

So what does the future hold for the group? Only time will tell. But we can be sure that if there is an emergency— burnt potatoes in Southern Village, or no one to perform special music— that our courageous Campus Safety officers will be there to answer/sing the call.

From cave to college: Bachelor takes teaching position ZAcHAry HAgen The AcTuAl religiOn ediTOr

Doug Bachelor will join the theology department as an associate professor this Fall. Dr. Peasant made the announcement last week and student responses have been positive.

“I’ve been watching 3ABN since I was in my mother’s womb,” said Hannah Jobe, junior English professional/ writing major. “I’ve never met him, so it’ll be a blessing to be in the presence of such an icon.”

Several theology students have said that they look forward to being taught by Bachelor

because with his guidance they can actually reach their full potential as WorldStar pastors.

“We really need more famous Adventist pastors because we don’t get enough attention,” Carl Aight, sophomore theology major, said. “Westboro Baptist gets all the publicity. We really need to be more like them!”

This sentiment seems to be shared throughout the theology department’s student population. Majeer and Mainer Prophet, brothers in their third year, said that they are looking forward to the department being blasted into the 21st century with classes such as

Preaching to and Loving the Camera, Makeup for the Saintly Pastor, and Postproduction and Audience Prayer Requests.

Their father is also excited about this announcement because up to this point he had lost hope in his sons being drafted by big conferences while attending such a small school like Southern, with Bachelor as their mentor the Prophet brothers’ father’s dream may come true.

We contacted Doug Bachelor about his shocking move from the small screen to the whiteboard and he said, “I look forward to imparting my vast wis-

dom onto the students here at Southern Adventist University, and all over the world. We will be broadcasting my 9 a.m. lectures to other prospective televangelists using Southern’s livestream. Of course, this is mostly because I can’t really leave the camera entirely.

Hahaha!”

Bachelor and Peasant have decided that incoming School of Religion students will be required to take caving as one of their physical activity electives before being accepted. Dr. Peasant explained that, “The prospective pastors, teachers, evangelists, missionaries and

televangelists need to understand what kind of life Pastor Bachelor lived to get him to his place of fame within the Adventist church. I remember my conversation with him about it. He said that he really feels that students need to have the ‘John the Revelator’ experience and that caving really helps students know how to prepare the way of the Lord.”

One thing is for sure, the Southern student body is thrilled to be welcoming the epitome of an Adventist celebrity to the theology team.

Welcome to the Southern Family, Doug!

opinion

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Southern Accent 7

My opinon is soooooo important Kaitlin Jeanette Colon ActuAl News editor

Have you ever noticed that when someone writes an opinion article, they introduce what they’ll be talking about and then only stay on topic for two sentences? Have you ever noticed that the rest of their sentences drone on and on andonandon with no apparent meaning or direction?

Somewhere along the line opinion articles turn into rants.

Does this one feel like a rant so far? Well you’re right, but I’m sure you don’t want to turn away because everything I say

is valid and important of course, because I’ve been handed a prestigious spot in the Accent.

While I’m on opinions, I’m going to just tell you now that if you oppose what I say I’m going to completely shut down and tell you how wrong you are. The whole point of an opinion page isn’t to REALLY express and voice opinions, it’s mainly just so that I can voice mine in all its rightness and glory!

Now, I’m not unreasonable.

I understand that you’re entitled to your opinion. It’s just, I’m also entitled to tell you how wrong you are! Now, a

really good opinion piece will never blatantly say that you’re wrong in your beliefs, ideas, morals or existence. That’s not even good writing. A proper opinion piece will make you feel silently judged with verbiage and tonality; it will make you question why your opinion is so awful and why you’re awful.

Of course, this is all just my humble opinion.

Now that we have established my superior knowledge about opinion articles, I think you should know some pointers on what to do and what not to do. You should never add in

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anything that backs you up with facts and grounds your thoughts and ideas in reality. That’s actually a huge no-no I don’t know what your professors tried to tell you in Comp 102, but that was real writing. This is opinion writing, and anything that you want goes!1! You should always let your thoughts flow freely like you’re violently brain-barfing onto the page! It’s called stream of consciousness and it can get you famous; did you ever read

Ulysses? You should never listen to suggestions; if you find that you’ve been edited, you have to approach the editor because it’s unacceptable for your work to be censored, because then it isn’t truly your opinion and it’s theirs. If you disagree with someone else’s opinion article, always make sure you write an article in response to make sure you have the last word, because as we all know, your word is going to be the most important one!

In my opinion, opinions are great, so long as they are just like mine!

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Southern Accent

personal ads

personals NURSING MAJOR LOOKING TO RAISE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE

I am willing to check all your extremities and will support you through seminary, must let me check your vital signs

love interests PSYCHOLOGY MAJOR LOOKING TO SPEND SOME TIME ON YOUR MIND

must have a fierce electra complex, must have steady career and phat paycheck, perferable dead parents, so must be batman

ENGLISH MAJOR LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO READ HER LIKE A BOOK

MODERN LANGUAGE MAJOR LOOKING TO SPEAK IN TONGUES

must like to travel, has spent a year abroad, is competent in at least three languages, must be a Latin lover

SOCIAL WORK MAJOR LOOKING TO WORK WITH YOU SOCIALLY

must like kids, cannot be an introvert, must have undefined goals

must be able to name all the romantic poets, must have passed Literary Criticism, able to engage in existential conversations that no one else can understand, must be able to use the right “their”

PE MAJOR LOOKING TO WORK OUT WITH A SPECIAL LADY

BUSINESS MAJOR LOOKING TO CLOSE THE DEAL IN HIS RELATIONSHIP

CHEMISTRY MAJOR LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP THAT WON’T COMBUST

organizational skills required, must always be in a rush, must have connections to Adventist healthcare system, must have a six figure salary

must be able to lift her body weight, gains, CrossFitters prefered

can recite the Periodic Table by memory, must be as hot as a bunsen burner set to full power, willing to support me during med school

RELIGION MAJOR LOOKING FOR THE WOMAN OF SONG OF SOLOMON 7:1-3, 7-9

must be willing to be a pastor’s wife, able to play the lyre and tambourine, nursing majors prefered

MUSIC MAJOR LOOKING FOR A HARMONIOUS RELATIONSHIP must be an expert in music history, must be able to spell and pronounce Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, competent in music theory

ART MAJOR LOOKING FOR A CHISELED SCULPTURE

willing to be my muse, must be over 6ft tall, must always have coffee and willing to bring it to me at any hour, willing to spend late nights in Brock on a weekly basis

CULINARY ARTS MAJOR LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO TIE MY CHERRY STEMS must have baking experience, must be able to cut the tension, must be vegetarian although vegans are prefered

Thursday, March 30, 2017

COMMUNICATION MAJOR LOOKING TO BE UNDERSTOOD

must have a copy of the AP Stylebook, must be able to use a semicolon properly, must be able to communicate effectively

LAST SINGLE EDITOR ON ACCENT LOOKING FOR A MAN WHO IS IN TOUCH WITH HIS INNER ANGST

must play an instrument or sing, must professionally mosh and know what a death wall is, must tolerate random thoughts and show fake enthusiasm I CAN: proofread your assignments for free, tear you down with terms you can’t comprehend, instigate your own existential crisis

professional assistance STUDENT ATHLETE LOOKING FOR A PERSONAL COUNSELOR

must have viewed episode 3 of School’s Satire, must be willing to read 1600 word rants, must have taken basic tumbling, must like safe spaces to submit a personal ad, email gottagetthatring@ southernmatrimony.edu

spor ts

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Southern Accent 9

Admin approves stadium for soccer field eriCa King ActuAl Humor editor

Soccer fanatics across the states are rejoicing in America’s new love for soccer. This year brought two new clubs, Minnesota and Atlanta, and next year Los Angeles will have a 3rd team. With all that said, Southern soccer fanatics are distraught because the field they must practice on has “so many rocks” and is covered in “dirty, gross dirt”. Southern soccer superstars have nothing to practice on.

For the past few years, David Beckham has been looking for a location to start his own MLS team. The population that best supported his dream was the Latin community in great Miami. He bought land in Dade County near Miami, but with

the Zika outbreak, having a team there is no longer an option.

Also, all the Latinos rejected the idea of a British man taking the land they have been on for decades more than him, making the them pay extra taxes to build the stadium where they must pay money to go inside, and then pay money inside there for over priced food.

This new concept was presented in a Town Hall.

Dav id Beck ham and Southern have teamed up to break ground for a stadium sized soccer field to facilitate Beckham’s MLS club during the season and Southern’s soccer intramural’s. Beckham will pay for much of the expenses put into the stadium. Southern’s contribution will be providing

the much-admired referees to all the games so the right calls get called.

Southern is currently seeking out other retired professionals

to start sports facilities such as Charles Barkley for a basketball court, Peyton Manning for a football stadium, Wayne Gretzky for a hockey arena,

and the list goes on. Hopes of teaming up with these admired sports stars are high. All of this is a part of the 2020 plan that Southern is implementing.

Braves fan uses Wikipedia to learn about soccer Caleb begley ActuAl SportS Writer

Since we have soccer intramurals coming up on campus and I know next to nothing about the game, I have dispatched myself to learn all I can about the world’s most popular sport…or at least, that’s what I’ve heard. For all I know, the world’s most popular sport could be fly fishing or curling or the classic hot dog eating contest…no, wait, that’s Coney Island’s most popular sport.

Anyway, I’ve been pegged to write about this whole soccer thing, and I lack a bit in the soccer knowledge department.

All I know is that they kick a ball around for 90 minutes, score any number of times as long as the score remains under five, and then the game is over. It’s

basically hockey without the ice, pucks or referees on skates.

So, I have embarked upon a journey to learn all I can about this game. Using the world’s most valuable and entrusted resource, Wikipedia, I am engaging in an act of research that will no doubt change the world. Either that, or it will get a soccer loving girl to notice me.

Whatever works.

According to Wikipedia, the rules of the game are referred to as “laws.” So…does that mean that there are soccer courts and soccer judges? If so, could someone take FC Barcelona to court for “excessive winning?”

While you’re at it, you could also take the New York Yankees, the University of Connecticut women’s basketball team, and La La Land-oops, I mean the Golden State Warriors.

Also according to Wikipedia, the ball is spherical. In other words, the ball is a ball. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, it goes on to list field dimensions, and even says that the ball has to be at a certain pressure at sea level. It really makes me wonder what pressure it has to be when they play soccer in the Himalayas or the Alps. Also, what about underwater soccer? Is that a thing? If so, I’d pay money to see that.

Soccer is the world’s most popular sport, and that’s about the only thing that was right about this entire article. I really need to do more research, and maybe I’ll have an opportunity in my free time. Oh, wait a minute. I’m a college student.

Free time is not in my vocabulary.

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Southern Accent

chat ter

Thursday, March 30, 2017

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student life announcements

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you say it’s your birthday...

11:00 a.m., Convocation: Asian Heritage (Church) Online Fall Registration for Returning Juniors >54 hours & Seniors

7:45 a.m., Senate Surprise Day (Promenade) Education Portfolios due, Initial Admission & Student Teaching 8:00 p.m., Vespers: Asian Heritage (Church) 8:30 p.m., Star Watch (Hickman Parking Lot)

9:00&10:15 a.m., Adoration, Andy Nash (Church) 10:00 a.m., Koinonia Sabbath School (IT Hallway Classroom) 10:15 a.m., Collegiate Sabbath School (Church Training Chapel) 11:35 a.m., Renewal (Church) 11:35 a.m., Connect, Andy Nash (Church) 2:30 p.m., iWitness Outreach 3:30 p.m., The Remnant: God’s Last Day Missional Shock Troops – Dr. Blanco, Dr. Parker, and Dr. Bauer (Lynn Wood Hall Chapel) 4:00 p.m., Revival – Our Greatest Need (Thatcher Chapel) 7:30 p.m., Evensong (Church) 9:00 p.m., Asian Night (Iles)

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9:30 a.m., Senior Exit Exam (Lynn Wood) 11:00 a.m.-3:00 p.m., Cave Open (Student Park) Tennis/Badminton/Racquetball Tournament begins 3:00 p.m., Senior Recital: Bryan Chen, Piano (Ackerman) 7:30 p.m., Wind Symphony Concert, 2 Credits (Church) Online Fall Registration for Returning Sophomores >23 hours, Juniors, & Seniors May graduates deadline to finish incompletes & home study correspondence 12:00 p.m., New Faculty Mentors Luncheon (Presidential Banquet Room) 3:30 p.m., Undergraduate Council 7:00 p.m., E.A. Anderson Lecture Series 12:00 p.m., Tornado Siren Test 4:00-6:00 p.m., Education Initial Admission Interviews (Summerour) 7:30 p.m., Convocation: Mexican Brass –M5, 2 Credits (Ackerman) Online Fall Registration for Returning Freshmen <24 hours, Sophomores, Juniors, & Seniors Wind Symphony Tour (April 5-8) 12:00 p.m., Teach3 (Presidential Banquet Room) 4:00-6:00 p.m., Education Initial Admission Interviews (Summerour)

Song Enchanted Evening: Southern’s Bel Canto, Die Meistersinger and I Cantori present highlights from musical theatre on Sunday, April 9, at 7:30 p.m., in Ackerman Auditorium. Free admission. Call 423-236-2880 for more information.

DEEP Sabbath: SA regrets to inform you that DEEP Sabbath will not take place this year. We’re sorry for inconveniences this may cause and look forward to working with our sister school in the future. We want to assure you that we will work our hardest to ensure a great DEEP Sabbath next school year.

All information on Chatter page is true and is not subject to our pranks in the April Fools edition of the Accent

THURSDAY 30

APRIL

Maureen Baksh-Griffin SATURDAY 1

Amber Ballesteros Paige Cosgrove Zac De Leon Brandon Dobrowsky Doris Farley Austin Fleming David Grau Jonet Hughes Benjamin Schuen Angeles Torres Emilie Watonsi FRIDAY 31 Mikayla Bieri Allison Carbaugh Jesse Darwin Megan Goffin Jennifer Kirby Antoinette Peden Steven Shaffer Ingrid Skantz Shivani Ward Keightee Weekes Roxanne Bruso

Alex Castillo Ashley Christian Shanti James Kerrie Kimbrow Alexander Nelson SUNDAY 2 Naomi Cruz Grace Danaher Melody-Joy Drummond Michelle Garza Karissa Goodman Brent Hevener Ariel Lee Riley Manestar Sharia Sandoval Alina Sherman James Urtekar Trish Ward MONDAY 3 Chandler Bozarth Dennis Dodd Jordan Ela

Chelsea Henry Jonathan Mancao Katelyn Marbrey Carolina Nascimento Eric Palacio Miyoko Verduzco-Tanaka TUESDAY 4 Roy Calderon Tuesta Samuel Dessin Sweetie Flores Miranda Howe Bobbi Molina Varilus Pierre Gaby Sihombing Megan Wilkens WEDNESDAY 5 Rotarick Baldwin Alicia Fernandez Devin Gray Dee Reeves Melissa Salazar Christina Stone Heather Wuerstlin

Thursday, March 30, 2017

We’re excited to announce that Chipotle is coming to @Southern_News! Keep an eye out for more info as time goes on.

Chipotle USA @ChipotleTweets

NO, We do not have 50 Shades Darker. Please stop asking us.

McKee Library @mckeelibrary

Can’t decide which is better, winning my bet on how many students will have to pay worship credit fines or getting my tax refund Dennis Negron @dennyboy567

Whew! Working on all this Sunday legislation sure is exhausting.

Pope Francis @thepope

instagram

GC votes improper haystack order now grounds for disfellowshipping #tomatoesontop

Ted Wilson @GCteddy

@dinomight We can’t wait to be the new Southern mascot. #forgettheducks #dino4life #saulife #rawrmeansiloveyou

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Southern Accent 11

*student walks in* wot in registration

twitter

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new media

Southern Admissions @sauadmissionsdept

remember, if you’re on time, you’re late.

From now on, anything later than 15 minutes early will be considered overdue.

eClass @eClassSupport

so you mean to tell me I *can’t* play John Cage’s 4’33” for my senior recital?

Generic Music Major @ilovemozart55

Studio 4109 can’t be funny without disrespecting others. We’ll see who’s laughing when their funding is on the line! Sad!

Dave Smith @sauprez

just remember what Abe Lincoln said: “The problem with quotes on the internet is that nobody can confirm their authenticity”

@illiterate LOL. No one reads teh Accent #saulife #guile

Jordan Putt @tweetguy

@someflower_middlename These pens really speak to me..... #clickclick

#saulife @southern_accent #saulife @southern_accent

12

Southern Accent

introducing

humor

Thursday, March 30, 2017

$krilla

Accent staffâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s favorite cat

Here is the majestic $krilla disguising himself as an old chubby human with bad posture.

$krilla takes his profile picture for when he is a 40 year old man creeping on Facebook.

Despite the danger of potential water drips, $krilla loves to curl up for a nap in the sink.

Doggos arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t the only ones that are good boys. $krilla begs for a belly rub in this artistic shot.

$krilla loves to snooze, but he also likes a good game of hide and seek in the drawers.

Knowing no one could deny that cute face, $krilla knows how to work it to get all the attention on him.