Advice

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Meet Joe Backup The guy I’m seeing is super attentive and affectionate when we’re together, but then he always falls off the grid. He’ll wait weeks before texting me to make plans again, and sometimes I have to initiate. What’s his deal, and how do I proceed? It’s a new relationship, so I’d feel too needy to tell him I want more attention. --Yearning In men, a long-term sexual strategy -- being commitment-driven rather than sexual smorgasbord-driven -- can be triggered. Recall that sexual strategies are “context-dependent.” Wanting a family is one such context. But men will also commit when that’s what it takes to land a woman with high “mate value,” who can “afford” to hold out: commitment or goodbye. Your immediate focus, however, should

We have a term for a be on what you potenpleasant, attentive man tially have in common who drops by from with a coke-obsessed time to time and then lab rat. Psychologists isn’t seen for weeks, find that “intermitand no, it is not “boytent reinforcement” friend” but “UPS man.” -- occasional, unpre

Some will say you dictable “rewards,” should just ask for what like a guy who pops you want: Hit the guy up for increased attenAmy Alkon up unexpectedly from time to time -- is the tion and presence like you’d hit up the stuff obsessions are made of. (Poor litBurgers R Us server for another thintle lab rats that push a bar and only spogie of mustard. However, we modern radically get a hit of cocaine will often humans have an antique psychological push the thing till they’re lying paws up operating system: psychology adapted in the corner of their cage.) for solving recurring mating problems Contrast intermittent reinforcefor ancestral humans. So, responding ment with “regular reinforcement,” to behavior without considering the like a guy who’s always there for you. underlying evolved motivation could When rewards come reliably and preget you in trouble, maybe even nuking dictably rather than randomly and your chances with a guy. unpredictably, the suspense is gone.

Evolutionary psychologists David The air goes out of the crazy, and you Buss and David Schmitt find that can relax and maybe even take Mr. Relihumans opt for different “sexual stratable for granted. egies”: “short-term” (casual) or “longBecoming obsessed with a guy -- term” (committed). Which strategy is even if you do your best to hide it -- activated depends on “context,” includtends to send a message, and it isn’t, ing factors like a person’s mate value “I’m seriously high in mate value!” It (relative to their competition) and the also shifts your focus from learning who stage of life they’re in. he is and what you might have together

Many men eventually want to settle to the chase. All that matters is whether down with a long-term partner. Howevhe’s called, when he might call, and how er, because for men, having sex does not you might find a gig-economy sorcerer lead to ye olde bun in the oven (and the to cast a spell to make him call. need for a committed partner to help To avoid taking off on the crazy feed and shelter the child that results), train, open your life up to other men. they evolved to prioritize sexual variety This doesn’t have to mean swiping a and commitment-free sex. (All the betnew guy into your bed every night. You ter to spread more of their genes into could be exploring your prospects in future generations!) So, a “short-term Zoom conversations, taking advansexual strategy” is generally optimal for tage of how the pandemic has slowed men in a way it just isn’t for women. the pace of dating. Adding men on your

Women, just like men, engage in end changes your emotional context casual sex. However, women’s emotions from needy and desperate to “hope you evolved to push them to seek commitcome around, but if you don’t, plenty ment (and freak out and long for it when more where you came from.” they perceive it isn’t there -- sometimes He may sense he has competition even when a woman knows she wants and change his strategy: start calling nothing more than a one-nighter from and coming around on the regular. Of a guy). So, a woman might be relieved course, maybe with the attention and some himbo she dragged home is sneakcommitment famine no longer a facing down the tree outside her bedroom tor, you’ll end up with another guy -- window after sex but then wake up in the one who makes the relationship you morning all, “How dare you?!” that he two have feel like a dream as opposed isn’t back under it, holding up a speaker to the last desert mirage you see before attached to his iPhone, and trying to win you collapse in the sand and are eaten her heart Cusack in “Say Anything”-style. by buzzards.